Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[DeLurker]

I think you (and the other person) are overthinking things and talking yourself out of exploring the possibilities before you even start.  The good news is, you two clearly communicate!

[JTMacc99]

It's just really early and with all of the kids and responsibilities on our plates, we're just being careful.

Chatting with each other is clearly a bright spot of our days, so there's that.

Did I mention that she's really, REALLY attractive? I feel like I should probably mention that. Heh.

[DeLurker]

Being cautious when there are kids involved is commendable.

 

Appreciate the fact that you are in a position to explore the "possibilities" and the heady enjoyment of seeing and talking with each other!  It sounds, at least from talking to my friends, that so many adults jump head first into a relationship and/or physical intimacy (with or without the emotional bond) that the electric stage of getting to know one another is skipped.

 

eta:  Finding her highly attractive is shallow if that is the only motivation.  If it is an added bonus at no extra cost? 

 

SCOOOOOORRRRRE!

(soccer style)

Edited March 20, 2016 by DeLurker

[JTMacc99]

Honestly, I think the fact she looks like she does probably lowered my guard in a "well, I think I'm safe from this person taking an interest in me" kind of way. I just sort of obliviously went about being myself without catching on that we were becoming friendly beyond normal work type stuff. So yes, total bonus.

[JTMacc99]

Hee! That's going to be a problem, as from what I see above, I better not be.

[ZaldamoWilder]

Hoo boy... 

 

What we have here is two people who would both get something positive out of it right now. And we also have two people who are (for completely different reasons) probably not at all prepared to do much more than just enjoy each other's company when time permits. 

 

There is a lot of craziness in each of our lives, which both creates the opportunity to get a break from it all with each other and creates the pretty real threat of making one or both of us eventually looking at the other one and pull a very Seinfeld "Good luck with all of that!" on our way out the door.

 

So we're both sort of feeling this one out to make sure we're on the same page. I'll keep you posted if you would like.  

 

I would like, thank you very much.  :D   My inner Brady fan is rooting for you guys to end up in a 4br mid century modern in a cul de sac somewhere.

[JTMacc99]

Oh dear. I better get cracking.

[KnoxForPres]

Haha, my joke fell flat. I just meant that the way you described yourself in the last post is how Knox described her worker friend. Sorry guys, just being a dork!

Haha, no, it was hilarious!

Just act normal Macc. But....what I would try to not do is friend zone yourself. Don't be a shoulder to lean on. . Be yourself and have fun, laughing, up for a good time. Its so attractive. Better- it's so hot.

[JTMacc99]

Okay, I de-friend zoned myself tonight KnoxForPres

Fun fact: I have NEVER been more comfortable with the things coming out of my brain during these exchanges whether text or in person. That has to be a good sign.

Edited March 27, 2016 by JTMacc99

[Miss Dee]

Cliffhanger ending?! No fair! :)

Whatever the outcome, I hope in the long run you are glad that you expressed what you felt.

[DeLurker]

No one likes a tease JTMacc99!

[JTMacc99]

Or a bragger DeLurker, which I definitely don't want to be.

I was drinking wine and hiding Easter eggs, she was at her best friend's wedding. We exchanged some texts, I fired off one that was probably the smoothest thing I ever said in my life, which was easy because it was 100% true, and that was that. We had lunch together on Monday.

 

We're very much on the same page. Nothing much has changed from my earlier statement about the various challenges and responsibilities we face. But it seems like it will be a little less overwhelming when there is somebody to make you feel like yourself for a little while in your life.

By the way, I forgot where I hid a couple of the eggs.

Edited March 29, 2016 by JTMacc99

[JTMacc99]

This has been lots of fun, but now I'm faced with coming up with date ideas that also fit into our schedules. I'm hoping for the zoo on Saturday, but I'm not sure if I can swing that time commitment.  Honestly, I could see jumping on a train down to the city, walk around a little bit, get some lunch and take the train back as a date, just so we can use the train ride as an excuse to sit next to each other for a couple hours and talk.

[KnoxForPres]

This has been lots of fun, but now I'm faced with coming up with date ideas that also fit into our schedules. I'm hoping for the zoo on Saturday, but I'm not sure if I can swing that time commitment. Honestly, I could see jumping on a train down to the city, walk around a little bit, get some lunch and take the train back as a date, just so we can use the train ride as an excuse to sit next to each other for a couple hours and talk.

That sounds like a wonderful date to me! More so than the zoo (to me at least).

And yay for wine and firing off smooth texts. I'm really happy for you!

When you really like someone the what you do is a lot less important. If I'm into a guy I can sit on a porch, have a few drinks and enjoy it as much as if he had wined and dined me in Paris.

[JTMacc99]

Thanks. I'm all twisted up and excited but pretending not to be. Time isn't going to permit a nice daytime date, so we'll figure out something to do Saturday night.

 

ETA:  Downside of developing this kind of friendship with somebody who works in the same building as you: Constant desire to get up and go walk over there.

 

And by the way, I know from personal experience that after long enough, it is possible that this does a 180 and I could end up plotting my routes through the building to avoid that direction.  But as of right now, I just have to keep my butt in my seat and get some work done.

Edited April 4, 2016 by JTMacc99

[aradia22]

Juggling a bunch of conversations right now but it looks like I'll have some dates to report on soon now that I'm back from vacation.

[DisneyBoy]

So this is technically not an online dating question but I'm going to ask it anyway...

 

What the HELL are you supposed to do when you see someone attractive and you are in a Subway car?

They are sitting in front of you, or maybe you purposely sit next to them just to get a better look, discreetly, and they have headphones on, and then they glance your way, and you catch their eye but look away because staring at them is creepy, but then you want to have an opening to start an interaction so you DO look at them exactly forty seconds later....and they turn their head slightly to see you seeing them...but then you both go back to looking at nothing, and because they have headphones on and it would be utterly bizarre to speak to them you say and do nothing...except randomly catch each other's eye... And then.... WHAT DO YOU DO?!!

 

WHAT? DO? YOU? DO????

 

Ugh. This has been a longtime problem for me. And never once have I had the good fortune of the other person making a move.

So I'm asking for advice. Because this is one of those things that very easily would become an embarrassing situation. Because they could possibly be noticing you for any random reason in the world that has nothing to do with attraction...and meanwhile you are obviously just noticing their looks, which is hugely superficial and creepy, so how do you know if it's worth embarrassing yourself by being random and poking them and complimenting their whatever... shoes for argument's sake...because they could be completely egocentric or strange and by initiating you are essentially making a big statement of "I like you!" when that might not apply ten seconds after they've opened their mouth...plus it makes you seem like a drooling gawking perv when you really aren't and just want the damn universe to cut you a break and let something organic happen so you can seem cool and casual...

Si again...what do you do? What works? What doesn't seem staged or awkward like a pickup line that leaves you an easy out if they are uninterested or you change your mind?

Ugh. I just had this happen and am annoyed and feeling dumb. Help me.

I legit don't want this to happen anymore.

[aradia22]

I think it's different for women and also I can't block people on my phone but if you're feeling brave (this works better if you get off the train first) write your number on a slip of paper, hand it to the person, and just say "call/text me sometime." If they don't, no harm, no foul. If they do, you know they're interested!

Disney, I thought you said you didn't live in NY.

[JTMacc99]

The damn headphones are a problem, because that makes "Hi." much less effective. I really like the phone number on a slip of paper and jump off the train move. 

But I suppose if you've made enough eye contact, you could take a shot at opening up a quick conversation. I actually don't think the compliment on the shoes is a bad approach.  Since you've got the headphones issue, you're going to have to make the scrunched up thinking face, like you obviously want to say something that necessitates the removal of the headphones. Open with, "I really like that [insert interesting accessory here]!", and hope for the best.  

This definitely requires some level of acceptance that it might fail miserably. Heh.

[DkNNy79]

Maybe smile and do a little wave, to show you're interested?

I have a lunch date on Saturday.  Guy is 11 years older than me and I think he has kids, both which are not deal breakers, but I've never dated either of those types before.  He's a biology teacher.  Okay looking.  Will keep you updated.

[ZaldamoWilder]

12 hours ago, DisneyBoy said:

So this is technically not an online dating question but I'm going to ask it anyway...

 

What the HELL are you supposed to do when you see someone attractive and you are in a Subway car?

They are sitting in front of you, or maybe you purposely sit next to them just to get a better look, discreetly, and they have headphones on, and then they glance your way, and you catch their eye but look away because staring at them is creepy, but then you want to have an opening to start an interaction so you DO look at them exactly forty seconds later....and they turn their head slightly to see you seeing them...but then you both go back to looking at nothing, and because they have headphones on and it would be utterly bizarre to speak to them you say and do nothing...except randomly catch each other's eye... And then.... WHAT DO YOU DO?!!

 

WHAT? DO? YOU? DO????

 

Ugh. This has been a longtime problem for me. And never once have I had the good fortune of the other person making a move.

So I'm asking for advice. Because this is one of those things that very easily would become an embarrassing situation. Because they could possibly be noticing you for any random reason in the world that has nothing to do with attraction...and meanwhile you are obviously just noticing their looks, which is hugely superficial and creepy, so how do you know if it's worth embarrassing yourself by being random and poking them and complimenting their whatever... shoes for argument's sake...because they could be completely egocentric or strange and by initiating you are essentially making a big statement of "I like you!" when that might not apply ten seconds after they've opened their mouth...plus it makes you seem like a drooling gawking perv when you really aren't and just want the damn universe to cut you a break and let something organic happen so you can seem cool and casual...

Si again...what do you do? What works? What doesn't seem staged or awkward like a pickup line that leaves you an easy out if they are uninterested or you change your mind?

Ugh. I just had this happen and am annoyed and feeling dumb. Help me.

I legit don't want this to happen anymore.

Awwww honey :)   

It helps to make up your mind about this part in advance.  Personally I think the reward always outweighs the risk.   Complimenting something could be the start of a great conversation or from somebody who's shy or not expecting interaction it could also result in a quick "thanks".   See if you're comfortable using an opening that kinda encourages them to continue talking.    Maybe something like "One of us should probably say hi before this starts to get awkward.  You go first."  Don't avoid the awkward, incorporate it.   Or how bout testing the waters without saying a word - raise your coffee cup and smile the next time you make eye contact or saying good morning if you're close enough.  It doesn't really matter what you say as long as you're willing to risk saying it.    A guy came and stood next to me on the platform last week.   Tall, attractive, his lips were already moving before he'd reached my shoulder but what rendered him doa was that when I looked up at him, his eyes hadn't caught up yet, he was a roamer.   Had he been looking at me as a person not an object, he would've noticed that my excuse to ignore him was that I was wearing headphones.  

p.s.  good breath can never be underrated.

Edited May 3, 2016 by ZaldamoWilder
did I mean overrated? lol.

[DeLurker]

10 hours ago, DisneyBoy said:

So this is technically not an online dating question but I'm going to ask it anyway...

 

What the HELL are you supposed to do when you see someone attractive and you are in a Subway car?

They are sitting in front of you, or maybe you purposely sit next to them just to get a better look, discreetly, and they have headphones on, and then they glance your way, and you catch their eye but look away because staring at them is creepy, but then you want to have an opening to start an interaction so you DO look at them exactly forty seconds later....and they turn their head slightly to see you seeing them...but then you both go back to looking at nothing, and because they have headphones on and it would be utterly bizarre to speak to them you say and do nothing...except randomly catch each other's eye... And then.... WHAT DO YOU DO?!!

 

If you changed the setting to "classroom" (and removed headphones)  you summed up DeLurker's high school years very succinctly. 

Since they are wearing the headphones, why not ask them what they think about the ones they have?  Just say you are in the market for some new ones and were considering that brand. 

Please don't worry that it might seem staged or awkward - just choose a point in the trip where you know one of you get off soon.  If it goes poorly, you have a definite end point near and if it goes positively, something to look forward to in the next encounter.

[JTMacc99]

32 minutes ago, ZaldamoWilder said:

p.s.  good breath can never be underrated.

Hee hee! I wish I could give your post a second like just for this.

By the way, @ZaldamoWilder, you asked me to keep you updated on my adventures earlier in this thread. I'm having a wonderful time so far. It's a really nice connection we've made. Finding miniature windows of time when we are both free at the same time is frustrating, but where there is a will, there is a way.

I've waxed poetic in the happy thoughts thread here on this topic as well.

[ZaldamoWilder]

4 minutes ago, JTMacc99 said:

Hee hee! I wish I could give your post a second like just for this.

By the way, @ZaldamoWilder, you asked me to keep you updated on my adventures earlier in this thread. I'm having a wonderful time so far. It's a really nice connection we've made. Finding miniature windows of time when we are both free at the same time is frustrating, but where there is a will, there is a way.

I've waxed poetic in the happy thoughts thread here on this topic as well.

Squeeeeee!  Love it when a romance comes together, I'm glad you guys are enjoying each other.   Thanks for keeping me/us posted :D

There's a happy thoughts thread?  That's awesome. 

[JTMacc99]

44 minutes ago, ZaldamoWilder said:

Squeeeeee!  Love it when a romance comes together, I'm glad you guys are enjoying each other.   Thanks for keeping me/us posted :D

There's a happy thoughts thread?  That's awesome. 

Oh. I'm in full blown sappy mode over there.  My thoughts are that I've graduated from this thread and into that one, then it will be Chit Chat and finally Pet Peeves over time.

Edited May 3, 2016 by JTMacc99

[DisneyBoy]

Thanks for the feedback folks. I'm not a painfully shy person usually, but something about the Subway car situation makes me feel trapped. For one thing there's a ticking clock. For another, you have to speak loudly just to be heard, which can invite an audience. Also, there isn't enough personal space being maintained to allow for the respect I like to give those I'm secretly admiring. You are usually close enough to count someone's eyelashes and that causes me to feel pressured to do nothing...like the proximity demands I keep my mouth shut, lest I make the other person feel cornered.

The note on a paper thing has come off as creepy in the past. I tried that tactic once to privately let someone know something that would embarrass them if stated in conversation...they had a hygiene issue they were unaware of that was bring openly discussed by everyone around them...and the person took a single glance at the folded paper and assumed it was a love letter and gave me this "awww...yeah, no, not interested!" look without reading it. Mortified. No good deed, I guess!

In this particular Subway incident the headphones were earbuds, so I was unlucky there too. Guess I could have asked what kind of phone they had, but that also seemed stupid. Mine looked like a newer model, so I couldn't fake being impressed and say "I'm looking for a new make...what kind is yours?" None of the clothes were conversation worthy. The shoes were sneaks.

Does "sorry, but you look familiar..." scream Tacky Pick Up line? It was actually sort of true in this case but...and this is my bottom line, I guess...would YOU take well to some stranger approaching you in a Subway car?

I had someone follow me a half block this week while walking down the street just to tap me on the shoulder and say hi - they worked at a store I frequented - and I, without knowing who they were by voice, kept walking and ignoring until they stopped me and walked out in front of me to physically demand I take notice of them, LOL. And when I saw who it was (I had assumed this was some panhandler behind me, FYI), I made polite chit chat for thirty seconds and felt awkward for them. They had gone through so much effort to just get a hello out of me, it felt like they were obviously crushing on me or something. Rationally I know they could have just been in a good mood and feeling social, but the moment makes it feel like more. 

Isn't that always the case?

Have you ever been approached by someone you didn't know and have that go well enough that in the span of one minute you are arranging a date? Or exchanging information?

The people who do these quickie introductions are almost always players, or at the least, come across as players, no?

Sigh. I was tempted to accidentally drop an item out of my bag in front of us both and see if that created an opening. But then...would that work with me? Probably not. Because I don't like it when someone tries to pick me up, even if they aren't and it just feels that way.

If I've always felt awkward being approached in those situations, how can I expect anyone else to feel differently?

[DeLurker]

@DisneyBoy - What manner of approach would someone need to take in order for you to not feel awkward?  Perhaps that is the method you should follow.

I have a problem where I only recognize someone in terms of a context - if I know you from work, I won't recognize you if I see you in a grocery store (if I don't expect to see you there).  Been that way my whole life, so I wouldn't recognize the guy who works in my favorite bookstore or who makes my coffee just so if out of their natural environment I wouldn't expect them to recognize me either). 

[DisneyBoy]

That's my problem...I've never not felt awkward when being approached. It's like I feel sympathy for the other person for trying, while also getting a fat head and thinking "oh nice try, but I'm too classy for this", LOL. But maybe that's EVERYONE's natural response...

Is it? 

[DeLurker]

Hmmmm...I've spent way too much time thinking about this situation today!

For women, we tend to put up different barriers to approach-ability when by ourselves or in a potentially unsafe situation.  I know nothing of subways, but I suspect I would probably be in full protective armor there.  If you've progressed to the stage of making some extended eye contact, I'd say that is a big positive. 

Depending on how geeky you are (or are willing to come across), you can always give her the "May the Fourth be with you" salutation tomorrow.

[ZaldamoWilder]

21 hours ago, DisneyBoy said:

Thanks for the feedback folks. I'm not a painfully shy person usually, but something about the Subway car situation makes me feel trapped. For one thing there's a ticking clock. For another, you have to speak loudly just to be heard, which can invite an audience. Also, there isn't enough personal space being maintained to allow for the respect I like to give those I'm secretly admiring. You are usually close enough to count someone's eyelashes and that causes me to feel pressured to do nothing...like the proximity demands I keep my mouth shut, lest I make the other person feel cornered.

The note on a paper thing has come off as creepy in the past. I tried that tactic once to privately let someone know something that would embarrass them if stated in conversation...they had a hygiene issue they were unaware of that was bring openly discussed by everyone around them...and the person took a single glance at the folded paper and assumed it was a love letter and gave me this "awww...yeah, no, not interested!" look without reading it. Mortified. No good deed, I guess!

In this particular Subway incident the headphones were earbuds, so I was unlucky there too. Guess I could have asked what kind of phone they had, but that also seemed stupid. Mine looked like a newer model, so I couldn't fake being impressed and say "I'm looking for a new make...what kind is yours?" None of the clothes were conversation worthy. The shoes were sneaks.

Does "sorry, but you look familiar..." scream Tacky Pick Up line? It was actually sort of true in this case but...and this is my bottom line, I guess...would YOU take well to some stranger approaching you in a Subway car?

I had someone follow me a half block this week while walking down the street just to tap me on the shoulder and say hi - they worked at a store I frequented - and I, without knowing who they were by voice, kept walking and ignoring until they stopped me and walked out in front of me to physically demand I take notice of them, LOL. And when I saw who it was (I had assumed this was some panhandler behind me, FYI), I made polite chit chat for thirty seconds and felt awkward for them. They had gone through so much effort to just get a hello out of me, it felt like they were obviously crushing on me or something. Rationally I know they could have just been in a good mood and feeling social, but the moment makes it feel like more. 

Isn't that always the case?

Have you ever been approached by someone you didn't know and have that go well enough that in the span of one minute you are arranging a date? Or exchanging information?

The people who do these quickie introductions are almost always players, or at the least, come across as players, no?

Sigh. I was tempted to accidentally drop an item out of my bag in front of us both and see if that created an opening. But then...would that work with me? Probably not. Because I don't like it when someone tries to pick me up, even if they aren't and it just feels that way.

If I've always felt awkward being approached in those situations, how can I expect anyone else to feel differently?

That's how I met my current love.   He walked into his colleague's office where I was waiting (for the colleague - a notoriously late man).  I was the last appointment of the day, he was having a meeting after that so we were just kind of the only two people stuck in this reception area with nothing but time.   I wasn't trying to flirt more than entertain myself so I said lemme ask you something, is it a compliment if a hooker says she likes your hair?  He made a weird I'm thinking about it face then laughed hard.  That was 4 years ago.  So random run ins? I vote YES!  lol.  It needn't be stalkerish or player like, if you're sincere and it isn't actually a pick up line - in other words if you're just making conversation, most (non-dickish) people will respond to you in a way that leaves your dignity intact, whatever the result. 

 

19 hours ago, DisneyBoy said:

That's my problem...I've never not felt awkward when being approached. It's like I feel sympathy for the other person for trying, while also getting a fat head and thinking "oh nice try, but I'm too classy for this", LOL. But maybe that's EVERYONE's natural response...

Is it? 

What makes you feel awkward being approached?  Are you assessing whether they're your type? Don't know what to say to let em down easy if not?  In your head you could turn "I'm too classy" into "thank you for the compliment, I'm flattered".   It might feel not classy if you're looking at it as "being picked up"  - that's a little Jack Tripper/Larry Dallas. :) 

Nope lol.

Edited May 4, 2016 by ZaldamoWilder
because Jack's last name wasn't Roper. ugh.

[ZaldamoWilder]

9 minutes ago, DeLurker said:

Hmmmm...I've spent way too much time thinking about this situation today!

For women, we tend to put up different barriers to approach-ability when by ourselves or in a potentially unsafe situation.  I know nothing of subways, but I suspect I would probably be in full protective armor there.  If you've progressed to the stage of making some extended eye contact, I'd say that is a big positive. 

Depending on how geeky you are (or are willing to come across), you can always give her the "May the Fourth be with you" salutation tomorrow.

::cackles::

[roseslg]

I am not sure if this is even still a thing, but how about trying missed connections? Maybe she's going home and furiously searching for you, or, she's written one herself.  God knows I've written a few...

[aradia22]

As a New Yorker, I reject all these attempts at overtures with people who have headphones in or are reading because most people do not want to be bothered. They might be in a rush, coming to or from a long day at work, etc. You have a slightly better chance if they're just sitting there waiting for their stop but even then I would wait for serious vibes or at least open body language. To me, catching each other's eyes, especially if it's because one person is staring, is not good enough. People can be friendly but the subway is not an accepted venue for picking someone up the way a bar might be so be cautious and definitely be conscious of what signals you're getting. Generally if I do talk to people it's for brief interactions (directions, quick compliments or questions) not to launch into a conversation. People are also going to be wary of solicitation on the train with all the performers, etc. asking for money.

[editorgrrl]

19 hours ago, DisneyBoy said:

That's my problem: I've never not felt awkward when being approached. It's like I feel sympathy for the other person for trying, while also getting a fat head and thinking "oh nice try, but I'm too classy for this", LOL. But maybe that's EVERYONE's natural response.

Is it? 

Nope. Think more kindly of others + more humbly of oneself.

18 hours ago, ZaldamoWilder said:

It needn't be stalkerish or player like, if you're sincere and it isn't actually a pick up line—in other words if you're just making conversation, most (non-dickish) people will respond to you in a way that leaves your dignity intact, whatever the result. 

In your head you could turn "I'm too classy" into "thank you for the compliment, I'm flattered."

@ZaldamoWilder said it better than I.

[aradia22]

OK! New date, new guy, new story... Let's call him, Mr. Animation. It's the field he works in. He was very normal. Very pleasant. He left some lulls in the conversation but it was nothing overwhelmingly awkward. I feel like this is how most first dates should go. We were friendly. We bantered a tiny bit. I made him laugh a lot. No real intellectual sparks (e.g. based on similar interests, perspective, etc.) or sparks of attraction but it's not something I'd necessarily rule out. His appearance is unobjectionable. Maybe a little skinny for my taste. He's the kind of guy that in school I wouldn't really pay attention to until he showed how smart, kind, funny, etc. he was. I don't know if that'll happen here, but again, it's possible. It was a short date for me. About 2 hours. I think it was because our plans fell through and we went to have a tasty dinner in a small restaurant that didn't encourage us to linger. Really the only thing that stood out was our goodbye kiss. It was a little wet (in the bad way). No sparks. But maybe it was a fluke. And I wouldn't expect to feel physical sparks when I wasn't feeling emotional ones. I will keep you posted on whether we go out again.

I was also supposed to have a date tomorrow night but I've reached out two times (we set the date 2 weeks ago and then stopped talking. I reached out a week ago. And then yesterday I asked for confirmation that we were going out tomorrow) and gotten silence in return. I wasn't that invested but it's a little rude. It's the kind of site where I can see that he read the messages.

[roseslg]

@aradia22, will you see him again?  I've had many dates like that where I would go and date the person for a few times just to make sure. 

What site are you on if you don't mind my asking?

[JTMacc99]

@aradia22 I'm liking your post for the first part. Boo to the second part. That is more than a little rude. It's more like plain rude.

[aradia22]

@roseslg Maybe. It's hard to say. I did like him but I won't be massively disappointed if we don't go out again. (There are a handful of guys that I really liked who I never went out on a second date with but that happens rarely.) We'll see what happens. okc guys can be a little flaky. Too many options, I guess.

@JTMacc99 Haha

[aradia22]

Date this morning. Let's call him Mr. Pretty Teeth. I was late. He wanted to see a movie and picked one at 10:40 which I was nervous about because the only way I had of getting there was a bus I'd never taken. So I took the bus and the walk ended up being longer than I'd expected so I was 10 minutes late, which is fine, because there are previews. But then it took me another 10 minutes to actually find the theater which was on the third floor of a hotel with no signage outside??? But once we found each other he was nice about it. I think he still wanted to see a movie at 2 but we decided to go to a bakery I knew nearby instead. I got a juice and he got a dessert and we sat down to talk. Now, on our walk to the cafe, he wasn't the most responsive but I thought maybe that was just the awkwardness of trying to talk in the street while walking somewhere. Nope. He gave me so little to work with. Really short answers to everything, nothing to really build on. I call him Mr. Pretty Teeth because he had a really nice smile and I did think he was handsome. But you know that expression, "nothing in his head but teeth"? Yeah... I probably won't be seeing him again.

[roseslg]

@aradia22 Which movie did you guys see?  I think it's hard to do something so date-y on a movie.  I always did a coffee or an early-ish enough drink that the drink could turn into dinner or coffee could turn into lunch or something (if I liked the person).

 

OKC really makes you work for it, but that's where I met my now husband.  Keep at it!

[DkNNy79]

Had my lunch date today.  Biology teacher, divorced with 2 kids, average looking and is 10 years older than me.  The date was okay, we actually found out that we grew up not too far from each other in Western NY.  Conversation was good, flowing for the most part with some small quiet moments.  We split the bill - well I gave him money and he took it.  So, I wasn't sure if he was interested in me or not.  I got more of a friendly vibe.  So, I don't know if I will see him again or not. 

He texted afterwards and said he had a good time.  If I wanted to get together again to let him know.

[aradia22]

@roseslg We didn't see the movie. We just went to the bakery and talked.

So a few hours after the date he texted me asking if I wanted to hang out again. I'm not sure what to say. I don't think we have much in common and I think he's a bit dull besides not being much of a conversationalist. I always have this dilemma. Am I not giving him a chance by saying no? Or am I leading him on and prolonging the inevitable by saying yes?

[DisneyBoy]

Say that you aren't feeling it but that you did enjoy meeting him. If he feels strongly enough about you to say he wasn't well and would like a second date, consider it.

Having nothing to talk about is no fun.

 

Thanks for all the suggestions about transit flirting, folks. I think it's a hugely tricky thing but one of these days, I may just take a page from your playbook, Zaldamo and bring up something out of left field as an ice breaker.

I'm sure my admission of getting a Fat Head when approached made me sound egotistical, Editor. Truth is, I honestly don't think I am...its probably more as Aradia said: Subway cars aren't an acceptable place to introduce oneself. Everyone ends up feeling awkward.

Missed Connections seems to be the place for vague breakup poems...but I did check it out later that day, to no avail.

I think the fact the earbuds stayed in was a sign.

Still, there was more than slight eye contact. But maybe I looked badly in some way that was impossible to ignore, LOL. See? I'm not a Fat Head :)

Sigh. 

Edited May 8, 2016 by DisneyBoy

[roseslg]

@aradia22 I dunno, sometimes a first date can be all nerves.  You don't know what to say, you are in your head.  Once you're relaxed you may be more open.  If it wasn't awful, I would say have a second date that's completely different from the first.   If nothing there, you can tell him peace out!

What do you have to lose, really?

 

@DisneyBoy, you could always just go and say hello.  Cut to the chase, ask her if she'd like to have a cup of coffee. You can lead it off by saying that you may be a bit presumptuous, but you see her often enough and it seems as though there's some kind of connection.   If she shoots you down, change your subway car!!!

[aradia22]

I took Disney's advice. He backed down so I guess that's the end of that.

[DisneyBoy]

Sorry. The trouble with dating is that there are a lot of really good people around and giving a chance to all of them for the sake of politeness isn't entirely doable. Onwards!

@DisneyBoy, you could always just go and say hello.  Cut to the chase, ask her if she'd like to have a cup of coffee. You can lead it off by saying that you may be a bit presumptuous, but you see her often enough and it seems as though there's some kind of connection.   If she shoots you down, change your subway car!!!

This recent encounter was a one-off :)

[ZaldamoWilder]

On 5/7/2016 at 3:47 PM, DkNNy79 said:

Had my lunch date today.  Biology teacher, divorced with 2 kids, average looking and is 10 years older than me.  The date was okay, we actually found out that we grew up not too far from each other in Western NY.  Conversation was good, flowing for the most part with some small quiet moments.  We split the bill - well I gave him money and he took it.  So, I wasn't sure if he was interested in me or not.  I got more of a friendly vibe.  So, I don't know if I will see him again or not. 

He texted afterwards and said he had a good time.  If I wanted to get together again to let him know.

do you want to get together again? 

"We split the bill - well I gave him money and he took it."  I don't wanna start no mess but the way you phrased this made me giggle out loud.   I see (but am not mad at) you slim shady lol!   No objections to dutch as an arrangement further down the line or as a relationship standard if it works for you, but just so you know I'm not totally from the 1950's there was a 4-answer question I remember from Family Feud not too long ago:  "we asked a 100 men to name something a man should do on a first date" - pay was the number 2 answer.   Later, yeah ok maybe.  But on a first date when he hasn't had the chance to build up good vibe credits yet, this is annoying. 

@DisneyBoy the very next time you get this opportunity, take it.  Your cute stranger on the subway? we're still talking about her a week later.   Count on it being awkward, that way awkward isn't the excuse not to try.   She might be telling her own boards that she saw a really cute dude on a train last week but he never spoke up.

[DkNNy79]

20 minutes ago, ZaldamoWilder said:

do you want to get together again? 

"We split the bill - well I gave him money and he took it."  I don't wanna start no mess but the way you phrased this made me giggle out loud.   I see (but am not mad at) you slim shady lol!   No objections to dutch as an arrangement further down the line or as a relationship standard if it works for you, but just so you know I'm not totally from the 1950's there was a 4-answer question I remember from Family Feud not too long ago:  "we asked a 100 men to name something a man should do on a first date" - pay was the number 2 answer.   Later, yeah ok maybe.  But on a first date when he hasn't had the chance to build up good vibe credits yet, this is annoying. 

Yeah, I was a little surprised when he took my money.  Personally, I like it when a guy pays on the first date.  Afterwards, I have no problem taking turns paying for things and that's what I did in my last relationship.  .  When I have no interest in the guy whatsoever, I will insist on splitting the bill.  So when he took my money, I thought maybe he wasn't into me.

I didn't respond to his text as I was conflicted on if I wanted a second date or not.  Even his text was kinda non-committal.  "If you're interested in meeting up again, let me know."  That doesn't sound like pursuing to me, more like an after thought.

[ZaldamoWilder]

26 minutes ago, DkNNy79 said:

Yeah, I was a little surprised when he took my money.  Personally, I like it when a guy pays on the first date.  Afterwards, I have no problem taking turns paying for things and that's what I did in my last relationship.  .  When I have no interest in the guy whatsoever, I will insist on splitting the bill.  So when he took my money, I thought maybe he wasn't into me.

I didn't respond to his text as I was conflicted on if I wanted a second date or not.  Even his text was kinda non-committal.  "If you're interested in meeting up again, let me know."  That doesn't sound like pursuing to me, more like an after thought.

There's some stuff it's incumbent upon the guy to do on the first date.  This is one of those things.  The action itself isn't as bothersome as that accepting your 20 bux may be indicative of larger financial sensitivities or he's such a serial dater that several meetings per week can get kind of pricey.  Either one doesn't really inspire.

Ok, optimist's view: he had a nice time too otherwise there'd be no point in asking, but if you didn't, his indifferent act dulls the impact of rejection ::coughlooksatDisneyboycough:: lol.

[DeLurker]

In the stone age when I was dating (and there was no such thing as the internet), I would only agree to meet someone new for drinks.  If I liked them and it led to dinner, fine.  If I wasn't too keen on them, drinks (sometimes singular drink) was all I agreed to.

@DisneyBoy - Maybe the lingering eye contact needs to be followed up with a head cock next time this happens (since this one sounds like a one off).  I can't think of a good people example, but it always elicited an Awwww response when my dog did it (this is not my dog)