Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[DkNNy79]

Hmmm, maybe he's an exhibitionist?  I think you should tell him that you're uncomfortable with all the PDA that's been happening.  Well it seems like he really likes you, but you don't really feel the same way?  I mean if you don't think he's serious material, he might be someone just to have fun with in the meantime.

 

Regarding the theater interactions: I've learned that whenever a guy invites you over to watch a movie, its code for lets make out/have sex.  Watching the movie generally lasts 15-30 minutes.

 

No date set up with Mr. Good Morning yet?  At this point, I don't understand what his motivation is?

[aradia22]

 

Well it seems like he really likes you, but you don't really feel the same way?

I do like him but I wish we could get back to where we were on date 1 where he tried harder to talk to me. Again, I am totally having fun with this but when I'm not into it (e.g. on the street corners) it feels (to get all romance novel purple prose-y for a second) like I am a vessel for his lust. Which is why it's easy to shut it down. I am not a blow up doll. I think my other thing is liking him (like getting along with him and being physically attracted to him) is different from trusting him. I do not trust him at all right now. The boundary pushing is definitely a part of that. There's a lot of trust-building that needs to happen before you can let your guard down with someone you met online. I feel like there are little milestones.

 

"I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a girlfriend."

"I'm pretty sure he's not a murderer/sex offender."

"I am willing to get into his car."

"I am willing to let him drive me home (meaning he'll know where I live)."

 

We have not reached any of those milestones.

[aradia22]

By the way I am scheduled to go out with this guy (one of the ones I mentioned who cancelled) tomorrow. But we haven't talked since before Thanksgiving. I texted him to check that we were still on for our date. I sent one text Monday. One on Tuesday. And one message through the app on Wednesday. (All one sentence.) At this point I'm not feeling optimistic. I don't think he was going to be the love of my life but I did enjoy talking to him and I would have liked to have seen him. But two cancellations is too many. Especially with this unexplained radio silence.

Edited December 3, 2015 by aradia22

[ZaldamoWilder]

I do like him but I wish we could get back to where we were on date 1 where he tried harder to talk to me. Again, I am totally having fun with this but when I'm not into it (e.g. on the street corners) it feels (to get all romance novel purple prose-y for a second) like I am a vessel for his lust. Which is why it's easy to shut it down. I am not a blow up doll. I think my other thing is liking him (like getting along with him and being physically attracted to him) is different from trusting him. I do not trust him at all right now. The boundary pushing is definitely a part of that. There's a lot of trust-building that needs to happen before you can let your guard down with someone you met online. I feel like there are little milestones.

 

"I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a girlfriend."

"I'm pretty sure he's not a murderer/sex offender."

"I am willing to get into his car."

"I am willing to let him drive me home (meaning he'll know where I live)."

 

We have not reached any of those milestones.

 

+ combined with occasionally tuning out what you're saying does not bode well.  I mean time, place and context.  If ya'll were further along and/or he made his focus really getting to know you......  vessel for his lust (very harlequin romance lol) makes you sound interchangeable, you could be anybody and that I don't like.  Is there something that leads to "when I'm not into it"?  too public? too much? too accelerated? what?

 

poor Mr. Good Morning.   If he could only have gone off script lol.

[aradia22]

Not to derail but one of my dreams is to maybe write romance novels one day.

 

Anyway, it's not like I'm not using him in a sense too. I like the physical interaction. It's just that I feel like I need to shut it down whenever it's happening too often and I get that feeling (as you said) of being interchangeable. I feel like boundaries are a separate issue from this interchangeable feeling. The boundaries are largely a trust thing. As for the interchangeable feeling... It's when so single-minded in his goal of making out with me... it's like, do you have quota to meet? And when I've shut it down and he still keeps going for it, it makes me feel like a vessel... an object, not a participant. I did not change my mind in the time it took us to walk three blocks. I said not right now. Again, this is not all the time or even most of the time. I'm just focusing on the stuff that concerns me because otherwise this would just be details of him making out with me. 

 

And again, I'm not a perfect date either. I'm totally aware of my own issues. 

[DkNNy79]

Aradia22 - very cool!  I hope you do write a novel one day. 

 

I love romance novels.  I don't read as many now as I did when I was in my late teens/twenties, but its just nice to get lost in them.  I know they are an unrealistic version of how romance is, but what can I say, they make me happy and give me hope that I will get my happily ever after one day.

[DeLurker]

Anyway, it's not like I'm not using him in a sense too....<SNIP>

 

And again, I'm not a perfect date either. I'm totally aware of my own issues. 

Please don't discount his bad behavior because of what you perceive as your own faults.

 

No one is the perfect date - but some are closer to our ideal than others.  

[aradia22]

 

Please don't discount his bad behavior because of what you perceive as your own faults.

Thanks. :) I'm not. It's just that I read a lot of these kinds of date recaps (and I'd write them on my own blog if I wasn't worried about one of these guys stumbling upon it) and the (usually) women who write them seem blissfully unaware of their own shortcomings as they pick apart the guys. I'm perfectly self-aware but we don't have time for me to list all the ways I can be a terrible date. 

[KnoxForPres]

I had vicarious butterflies after date one and now...I'm not so sure.

I thought he was energetic and flirtatious initially (also a small part wondered if he was on coke, but I digress) based on the details provided from your first date.

I've been to lots of shows and making out in the lobby isn't normally on the docket. Agree with place and time, here. Why so close and invasive in the damn lobby!? This is the time for comfortable yet close distance, eye contact, laughter and light conversation. Not making out. Right? I get why an 8th grader does it, but in the (presumable 20s) why his need for such PDA?

From what you've said in posts I think you're very wise and able to assess situations correctly. So while I'm pretty close to creeped out, I'll accept that wasn't how it came off. But man, I don't like his groping and kissing and this and that on date two. Going old school romance novel "that's not how you treat a lady".

Yet I'm not fully out because I trust your judgement , but I am curious what he proopsed for date three.

Look I'm going to be crass. If I'm just looking for a good time with a hottie I would much prefer we go to the bar and have a few too many and then get it on like mad. For me, I'd like that more than making out in Barnes and Noble pretending like its a "real" date. It's hard to describe what I mean so sorry if that makes no sense. Guess it all comes back to place and time.

Man- you have to keep us posted on this!

[KnoxForPres]

My birth year is actually 1980. When we came to the US, my mom messed up my paperwork and put 1979 down. I've never been married or had kids either. I hate singlehood and have always wanted a big family. So that's where we differ. At this point, I'm hoping I have a least 1 kid before I turn 40. If I had the money I would totally adopt on my own.

I'm glad you're enjoying your guy even though he's not the love of your life. You never know what might develop.

Aradia - good luck on your date and I can't wait to hear all about it.

Well shoot, sis! Own that youth and make it 80 :)

A great friend of mine met the love of her life at 37. She'd always wanted a family too. They married, she had her first at 38 and baby #2 was just born! Took time but I have to say- she really landed a great man and is so happy now (he's a doctor too!)

[aradia22]

We're in the same boat, Knox. I was feeling butterflies (at least physically) if a little thrown by how fast he was moving but now I'm getting more wary. LOL at the cocaine part.

 

I've been to lots of shows and making out in the lobby isn't normally on the docket. Agree with place and time, here. Why so close and invasive in the damn lobby!? This is the time for comfortable yet close distance, eye contact, laughter and light conversation. Not making out. Right? I get why an 8th grader does it, but in the (presumable 20s) why his need for such PDA?

I don't know! People in the lobby (other patrons and people who worked there) were definitely side-eyeing us even when he wasn't kissing me and was just standing over me so I know I was not the only one thinking he was standing very close. The thing that confuses me (and contributes to that whole interchangeable/vessel thing) is we usually are not talking about anything particularly romantic. It's not like there's banter or we're laughing about something (I mean we do, but it's not right before he tries to kiss me). I don't even think he's swept away by any kind of physical need like he has an overactive sex drive or something. It seems largely unmotivated beyond the fact that he likes making out and he'll go for it if I don't say no.

 

But man, I don't like his groping and kissing and this and that on date two. Going old school romance novel "that's not how you treat a lady".

Oh, then I definitely shouldn't tell you about how he crossed the line. My best friend didn't approve after date one.

 

Yet I'm not fully out because I trust your judgement , but I am curious what he proopsed for date three.

He proposed it for date 2 but I wanted to see a show instead. I'd actually rather see another show if I can find a good discount for that night but that's beside the point. I'm derailing. Anyway, he wants to go to a French restaurant/jazz club. It's near-ish to me. That is, it's downtown NYC but it's pushing walking distance from my house so it's not in my neighborhood or anything.

 

Look I'm going to be crass. If I'm just looking for a good time with a hottie I would much prefer we go to the bar and have a few too many and then get it on like mad. For me, I'd like that more than making out in Barnes and Noble pretending like its a "real" date. It's hard to describe what I mean so sorry if that makes no sense. Guess it all comes back to place and time.

LOL. No, I totally get you. Personally, I don't drink and I'm not planning on sleeping with anyone anytime soon. But I definitely get being straightforward about what you want. I feel like Mr. Makeout would totally be down with your B&N date. Even if we were somewhere thoroughly unsexy like the biography section. :D

[KnoxForPres]

You got side eye from patrons, workers, best friends, and online friends. I think you end it. I do. As much as I want to PM you bc we could likely be great friends I can't start it on how- and I'm going to escalate this- an asshole treated you. You're right- I don't want to know but your BFF tells me enough- just stop. You've got way too good of a head on your shoulders to give this guy another shot.

You can do infinitely better. And I've kissed oh my word so many people and let me tell you lots and lots are good at making out. They just do it weirdly- like at your door or a non public place or where you have some fucking privacy. Go get it!

[aradia22]

Thank you for weighing in, everyone. I'm glad you're finding this entertaining. Respectfully, I'm choosing to see him again next Friday. Honestly, online dating is kind of exhausting and while I haven't given up hope on finding someone (more) normal, I'm enjoying whatever this is right now. (Admittedly it might be because the last guy I saw for a while... not a relationship, just like 10 dates. I met him on a different app... was a horrendous kisser.) I feel like I've got a handle on it. I will stay safe and smart and of course keep you updated. :)

 

And Knox, you can PM me whenever you want.

[aradia22]

Update on Mr. Good Morning. He lost his phone. He found it again.

[KnoxForPres]

Well, Mr GM has some interest because if ever there was an easy out- that was it!

So you agreed to date three, did you. My tactic has changed and this time while prepping for the date, snack on a raw bulb of garlic. I, uh, heard it's an aphrodisiac hence the advice.

In all seriousness some men view date three as the sex date. Certainly not all, but enough to keep it in the back of your mind.

And I admire your honesty about his dates. What I like best is you're facing it head on. You know when it's too much. And you admit it. If you were posting only how great it was leaving out those parts (which we would never know) that would be different.

I understand why you agreed. Attraction is a wonderful thing! And you're smart and handling it well so keep up the good work.

[aradia22]

Gargh... inarticulate sound of anger. So, Mr. Let's Go Out 11 PM just texted me. We've had this rescheduled date on the books for a while and I just texted him yesterday to make sure everything was going according to plan (partially since the guy who cancelled on me once and then stopped responding right before his second chance date had me nervous). Everything seemed fine yesterday. He was going to get back to me on what time we should meet there. Tonight he texted that he talked to his ex and isn't really in the right place to date right now so he's cancelling. Other fish in the sea, whatever. I'm not bothered about that. But this is getting really fucking annoying. I don't like my time being wasted. I keep putting off other guys because I think I have plans. Also, I really wanted to see the concert he got tickets for. Boo.

[KnoxForPres]

Oh good grief- that is annoying. Talked to his ex blech. Because your date could only have gone fast track to engagement. Impossible two adults could enjoy a concert without threat of serious dating looming around the corner.

Wishy washy and difficult to make plans is my sign to move on. I met a guy I think I would have really liked a few weeks ago. Out of the gate he's telling me how busy he is and I know that was my sign to exit stage left (or whatever that line is).

Because what people say is true, at the beginning that is the best it will ever be. So if he's bailing or rescheduling it will be repeat and rinse. And his schedule will always trump yours.

[DkNNy79]

Oh good grief- that is annoying. Talked to his ex blech. Because your date could only have gone fast track to engagement. Impossible two adults could enjoy a concert without threat of serious dating looming around the corner.

Wishy washy and difficult to make plans is my sign to move on. I met a guy I think I would have really liked a few weeks ago. Out of the gate he's telling me how busy he is and I know that was my sign to exit stage left (or whatever that line is).

Because what people say is true, at the beginning that is the best it will ever be. So if he's bailing or rescheduling it will be repeat and rinse. And his schedule will always trump yours.

Totally agree!  Happened to me earlier this year and it totally sucked because I really liked the guy.   He was cute, had a good job, great personality, funny...but alas he was unreliable. 

[aradia22]

Update: So I have a date with Mr. Makeout on Friday. And then I have first dates on Saturday and Monday. But all of a sudden I'm just not feeling very... energetic. I am just getting over a cold. How do you guys muster up enthusiasm when you're not really feeling it?

[KnoxForPres]

Is it from the cold or just "meh" about the dates or combo?

if I'm in a funk, what you're doing is what works best for me. Getting out and going and doing. If I give in and watch Gossip Girls on Netflix under a blanket I stay blah (even if lusting after Chace Crawford).

And try not to think too much about it. Go about your day and when date time comes- show up and live in the moment.

I've had the "oh Gosh I don't want to do this/not feeling it" etc feeling many times and when I forge on and arrive, within minutes I'm 99% of the time glad I did and have energy, excitement that I did not foresee.

[aradia22]

Third date with Mr. Makeout. This one was less dramatic than the other two. We went to see a show. The show was at 8. He wanted to meet at 7. But then he was 20 minutes late. I would say this date was much more about cute kisses and less about makeouts. Partially it was me really setting the boundaries. We kissed hello and then I kept him talking until the doors opened in 10 minutes (at 7:30). Then we made our way upstairs and I kept him talking. He still mostly talked about work and job prospects but he didn't ignore me this time (the way I mentioned he was doing last time and the first date). I was content to sit in silence at times and he jumped in to fill those silences. He put his arm around me a lot or held my hand or put his hand on my knee or my leg. This continued throughout the show. He was sniffling and asked for a tissue so I asked him a bit about how he was feeling. (This is still before the show started.) I made the first move at this point, telling him I wanted to kiss him but not if he was contagious. He said he wasn't (which I'm not entirely sure I believed) but I let him kiss me anyway. And the show started pretty soon after that. Again, he did maintain physical contact throughout the show in a way that might have been distracting if it wasn't another pretty plot-less show. This is not the best quality in a guy for me, because I like going to shows but nevermind for now. I had seen another show from this company so I assumed this one would also have two intermissions but they only had one. We kissed a little at intermission, not much. Then after the show I was going to wait a bit to see one or two of the actresses who I talked to last time. But he wanted to initiate the makeouts again and I did not want any germs after just getting over a cold (I swear to God, if he gets me sick again... I think I feel a tickle in the back of my throat but that might just be paranoia). I kissed him for a while but since hanging around would probably mean more making out I decided against waiting and headed home. He suggested going to a pizza place. I said I wasn't hungry. Then he wanted to "go to my place." I said I'd just take the subway. He thought when I said I lived nearby I meant walking distance. So then he just walked me to the subway and kissed me goodbye. We haven't set any plans because I'm busy-ish next week and then it's Christmas. So we'll see what happens. 

 

I like him. I do find him attractive. But this was not the best date. I mean, I enjoyed the show. But since he was late we didn't have that much time to talk. And I didn't want to hang out afterwards. I feel like we need to meet earlier in the day. Somewhere we can talk.

 

Oh, in case you're curious. I wore a very sexy LBD. Form-fitting but not tight. Very low V (like cat ears with a sheer panel on the top... like a dance/ice-skating costume). Real heels but short ones. I mention it because it was harder to balance when we were standing and he was kissing me because of our height difference. Also I broke it off a few times because his stubble was very scratchy. He said he hadn't shaved in 3 days.

Edited December 12, 2015 by aradia22

[aradia22]

Another first date tonight. Let's call him Mr. Short But Sweet. We went to see a show. Another one I'd already seen. He spent the first act sighing and making slightly odd noises. He said he had a cough. We hugged hello and goodbye. Finally, a guy who doesn't jump for a kiss. He seems perfectly nice and great on paper. We had a relatively long conversation on okc before meeting up and he was smart and thoughtful (if a little longwinded). And he was just as friendly and talkative in person. He has a good job. I'm just not attracted to him. At all. It's not just the height thing (I'm not very tall and I was as tall if not taller than him in heels). Even when we were seated I didn't feel any spark. I don't think it's going to happen and I don't feel like leading him on.

[aradia22]

And... another first date cancellation tonight. I hope everyone else is doing better. Any updates?

[KnoxForPres]

When you say show do you mean play/opera or musician? If there was no dinner or drink prior (know you don't drink), I will say sometimes it's hard to get a good idea side by side. You can be sitting across a person you didn't think you'd like but conversation flows and they say or do something and it's a turn on. I think that's hard if not impossible (unless immediate attraction) to achieve side by side watching a show. So he's not a total write off yet if that's the case. And I've always had a thing for short guys so never bothered me.

Your dress with Makeout sounds perfect! If at a show and I'm interested in the guy, I don't mind hand and leg touching. I kind of like it. It's hot. But- I get how that could be a person by person case. Just based on your recaps here- you seem a bit less enthralled each time. And haha- I knew he'd want to come back to your place. The third date does it every time! Good for you not allowing it.

I went out to bar last night with male work friend and my BFF wound up meeting us. Met a great guy. Good looking, backpacker, nice, into me and ......screech! About two hours in unloads he's in a bad marriage and wants out. He got my freaking number prior! So I have no great updates either. Married asshole, lol.

[aradia22]

 

When you say show do you mean play/opera or musician?

It depends. In the case of Mr. Makeout we went to see a show called Nutcracker Rouge. It was mainly dance-based revue show with some live singing and the performers in various states of undress (I saw a different production of Cinderella where they were more scantily clad. This was more corset-based.). With Mr. Short But Sweet, we saw Daddy Long Legs. If you can find a bootleg of the livestream online I recommend checking it out. It's a traditional musical, just off-Broadway. Normally, I'd agree that it's difficult for conversation to flow as much seeing a show (see last date with Mr. Makeout) but I struggled to get through the non-show moments with Mr. Short But Sweet because I just knew so clearly that I was not going to be attracted to him.

 

Yeah, at the very least I finally had a chance to wear that dress. I don't mind a bit of physical contact but I like to be very focused when I'm watching something and he shifted around a lot. Like, he would have his hand on my leg and then decide he wanted to hold my hand and then put his arm around me and this would just go on and on. I feel like I need to see him again when he's not sick and we're not seeing a show and it's earlier in the day so I can reevaluate. I love going to see shows but I'm becoming very aware of the fact that they don't make good dates early on. My BFF thinks I need to come right out and tell him next time that I am absolutely not going to sleep with him.

 

Oh, no! I was so excited for you and then you got to the married part. :( And ugh. I feel like I need to get a new phone just so I can have blocking capabilities and all of that.

[DkNNy79]

OI went out to bar last night with male work friend and my BFF wound up meeting us. Met a great guy. Good looking, backpacker, nice, into me and ......screech! About two hours in unloads he's in a bad marriage and wants out. He got my freaking number prior! So I have no great updates either. Married asshole, lol.

OMG :o  That has happened to me.  A guy that I did Karate with asked if I wanted to grab a bite to eat.  I asked if it was a group thing, but he said our other karate friends couldn't make it.  We're facebook friends, so I knew he was married and his wife often comments on his posts.  So, I figured he's not hitting on me, he's married and he knows I know he's married.  I'm someone who believes men and women can be friends w/out there being any ulterior motive, so I went.  At dinner he tells me how much he likes me and that he would love to see me more often/date...etc  So, I tell him that I enjoy hanging out with him (we usually hang out in a group setting), but that I'm not interested in him that way and "aren't you married"?  He goes on to say that he's in a bad marriage, that he's separated.  Meanwhile he still lives with his wife and then ffwd a couple years later they are still living together.  I haven't really spoken to him in over a year, after I stopped taking Karate so I don't know if that is still the case.  It doesn't matter because I'm not interested.  He tries to text and engage me sometimes but I always keep it short and sweet.  I don't want to encourage him, but sometimes I feel bad about ignoring him.

 

I'm still seeing Eric.  We can really only see each other on the weekends due to our schedules and that he lives 45 min away.  Its been like a month.  Do you guys ever have that exclusivity/boyfriend-girlfriend/where do you see this going talk?  Or do you just let if happen organically?

[aradia22]

 

It doesn't matter because I'm not interested.  He tries to text and engage me sometimes but I always keep it short and sweet.  I don't want to encourage him, but sometimes I feel bad about ignoring him.

Boo. Do not feel bad. He is a jerk. I vote for cutting off contact or telling him that you are going to show his texts to his wife if he doesn't stop.

 

I'm still seeing Eric.  We can really only see each other on the weekends due to our schedules and that he lives 45 min away.  Its been like a month.  Do you guys ever have that exclusivity/boyfriend-girlfriend/where do you see this going talk?  Or do you just let if happen organically?

I don't have that talk because the longest I've ever seen a guy is 10 dates (followed by 4 dates). That said, while I don't think you need to get all dramatic and sit down for a serious discussion, if it's something that's bothering you, bring it up casually one day. Say something like... "hey, I just want you to know that I really like you and I'm having a lot of fun getting to know you and spending time with you." (Let him respond) "I know things aren't easy with our schedules but I'm not really interested in seeing anyone else and I'm willing to put in the work if you are." 

[KnoxForPres]

I'm still seeing Eric. We can really only see each other on the weekends due to our schedules and that he lives 45 min away. Its been like a month. Do you guys ever have that exclusivity/boyfriend-girlfriend/where do you see this going talk? Or do you just let if happen organically?

Assholes- the lot of them :) The married ones I mean.

At this point one month in I would not bring it up. That's still pretty early. And if things are going well (which it sounds like they are) then I'd let it ride and enjoy it.

Because if he's like me and thinks one month is early for the talk you'll go "damn it- it was good why did I say that" to yourself.

My experience has been the guy generally brings that up around month three. Of course this is not science but that's been pretty consistent. The advantage here is until he does, by all rights you can play the field. Even if on your nights off if you watch old Gilmore Girls and order in- he doesn't have to know that.

It's annoying and probably old fashioned but by god it's the truth- they want the chase. If you were to verbally advance the relationship 9/10 guys would have preferred to initiate that conversation.

If he's corresponding throughout the week, planning dates for your weekends and engaging and having fun when you're together- you can 100% take to the bank he's interested. And he will ask for exclusivity.

But- that's just my take. Completely my opinion and if you feel otherwise or dynamics are different- do what you feel/think is best.

[aradia22]

Like Knox, I think it's early to have that kind of conversation but again, if it's bothering you I'm always on the side of being honest instead of playing games or following rules and letting your anxiety and resentment fester.

[aradia22]

Mr. Short But Sweet invited me to a spa/sauna this weekend with his friends. That's weird, right? I declined with a simple "No thanks." I mean, I have to work anyway but I've already decided to not see him again.

 

I'm like 80% sure Mr. Makeout gave me his cold. It's OK. It's not a bad one. Still a little annoyed.

[KnoxForPres]

Haha, wait. A spa/sauna....with friends? So many questions!

I try to in general to say yes to most things. But I got a visual of you (except it was me in this movie) standing in a room with a robe on amongst strangers with Enya playing and just hell no.

[magicdog]

My BFF thinks I need to come right out and tell him next time that I am absolutely not going to sleep with him.

 

 

 

No need.  Just refusing his advances is enough at this point.  I get the felling however that your body is all he wants.  He's all touchy feely (based on your accounts) with you when you're together and keeps trying to kiss you .  It comes across to me as a bit "high school" in his demeanor.

 

 

I'm still seeing Eric. We can really only see each other on the weekends due to our schedules and that he lives 45 min away. Its been like a month. Do you guys ever have that exclusivity/boyfriend-girlfriend/where do you see this going talk? Or do you just let if happen organically?

 

 

I'm with KnoxForPres on this one - any commitment talk needs to come from HIM.  The guy knows when he's ready for exclusivity and will take it up with you when that time comes.  Most women want to be exclusive yesterday.  It's just our natures.  Guys start feeling trapped when women start inquiring about "the talk". 

 

I'm like 80% sure Mr. Makeout gave me his cold

 

 

Guys will tell you they're ebola free if it means getting' some!  I suggest you get some Airbourne to help fight the cold (I love it!) and I recommend this recipe to help boost immunity all year long.

[aradia22]

 

Guys will tell you they're ebola free if it means getting' some!  I suggest you get some Airbourne to help fight the cold (I love it!) and I recommend this recipe to help boost immunity all year long.

I still have some leftover antibiotics. (I just got over a cold before I saw him.) Today was a pretty bad day cold-wise. I have elderberry drops but I will keep that recipe in mind. :)

[aradia22]

Another first date tonight with the guy who cancelled on Monday. I have been very sick for the past 2 days (maybe I'll tell you about having to force Mr. Makeout to apologize another day). I have been blowing my nose all day. We'll see how this goes.

[aradia22]

I don't have a good nickname for this guy. Let's call him... Mr. Checked Out. We had a short conversation on okc where he seemed nice enough with some errors/shortcuts I chose to overlook. We texted a little bit today because we were planning on going to a show and we were texting about me going to pick up tickets and where it was and all of that. I think I was a little wary because of all the cancellations lately so I picked up the tickets late in the day but we still got great seats. We planned to meet at 7:30 but the train has been crazy today so I got there closer to 7:45. He was nowhere to be found and wasn't answering my texts. Finally I called him and he was apparently across the street? We got to our seats in the nick of time but hadn't really had a chance to greet each other. He ran off to the restroom and came back a few moments before the overture started so we didn't really talk. He was a quiet seatmate... to the point that he didn't applaud after most of the numbers. I don't know if he just didn't enjoy the show...? I looked over at him once. He wasn't asleep.

 

We were finally able to talk a bit at intermission. Somehow we got on the topic of google maps and talked about that more than I expected to. It was just basic small talk and we got cut off by the overture starting. After the show we looked at the people across the street stage dooring for a Hollywood actor and then headed off to find somewhere to eat. The show ended a few minutes before 10 pm.

 

First we went to a bank so he could pay me back for the tickets. Then we went to a place to eat. I'd call it casual dining. Not fast food but a place where you order at the counter. I got a salad and he got a taco. We talked a bit before the food came about general interests. Music, TV, that kind of thing. When the food came I said something about how big my salad was and that I didn't mind sharing it. He proceeded to pick the chicken off my salad throughout the meal. He had to catch a train or bus at 10:45 and said he didn't want to leave me which somehow ended up in me having to rush to wrap up my salad (and him eating more of it). It was such a rush that I actually left my phone on the table and had to go back for it. We said goodbye right outside the restaurant because it was near the subway. I walked a block digging in my purse for my phone at which point I realized that I'd probably left it and went back.

 

He's not unattractive and I don't dislike him but I felt like we were on different wavelengths throughout the night. As I've said, I can get along with most people but I just felt like there was a slight disconnect. Like we weren't entirely meshing. Also he said "what they shoulda did" at one point which is something I thought people only said on Real Housewives shows. He shook my hand goodbye because we're both on antibiotics and implied that he'd like to see me again. I don't know. I might see him again. Again, I didn't sense a real connection but it wasn't like Mr. Short But Sweet where I knew that I 100% would be leading him on to see him again.

[DkNNy79]

Aradia - you were both sick?  I would give him another shot, maybe being sick affected him.

 

Nosleep - he squashed meeting you altogether just because you were sick?  He didn't want to reschedule for when you felt better?  Thats odd.

 

So Eric got me a christmas gift and I didn't get him anything.  I feel awful about it.

[KnoxForPres]

Aradia - you were both sick? I would give him another shot, maybe being sick affected him.

Nosleep - he squashed meeting you altogether just because you were sick? He didn't want to reschedule for when you felt better? Thats odd.

So Eric got me a christmas gift and I didn't get him anything. I feel awful about it.

That's ok- it happens in this stage combined with this time of year. What was the gift, may I pry? And I think it's nice he got you something.

Are you a cook? I'd suggest making dinner for him. If not I'd maybe order in from a place he likes. Something as a token of appreciation/affection but not so blatant as wrapping a tie and saying "I got you a gift!" :)

I think Mr Checked out sounds worthy of a second date. Can't place my finger on why- but I have this feeling he is. He sounds....normal.

The married guy texted me the other day and I responded asking if he's divorced. He said no- lawyers make things hard etc. I replied "well you have my number when you are". Maybe a bit cold on my part, but for cripes sake- why would I want to get entangled with texts with a married man.

If a guy breaks it off because the other person is sick, as they say, count yourself lucky he excused himself from your life.

I need to become a legit poster on this thread. I should join a dating app in the new year. If you guys have recs- let me know.

[DkNNy79]

That's ok- it happens in this stage combined with this time of year. What was the gift, may I pry? And I think it's nice he got you something.

Are you a cook? I'd suggest making dinner for him. If not I'd maybe order in from a place he likes. Something as a token of appreciation/affection but not so blatant as wrapping a tie and saying "I got you a gift!" :)

I think Mr Checked out sounds worthy of a second date. Can't place my finger on why- but I have this feeling he is. He sounds....normal.

The married guy texted me the other day and I responded asking if he's divorced. He said no- lawyers make things hard etc. I replied "well you have my number when you are". Maybe a bit cold on my part, but for cripes sake- why would I want to get entangled with texts with a married man.

If a guy breaks it off because the other person is sick, as they say, count yourself lucky he excused himself from your life.

I need to become a legit poster on this thread. I should join a dating app in the new year. If you guys have recs- let me know.

He got me a couple of scarves.

 

I've tried eharmony years ago.  Recently match and OKC.  I feel like I got better matches on OKC, but I then again I met Eric on match.

[aradia22]

 

I got a match on a dating app, but when he asked me when I was free, I told him that I'd be flexible timewise in the next two weeks, but that I am sick right now. Then he texted that we should just forget about it. So, I was kind of confused, but apparently talking about being sick is a no-go on dating apps?

That's weird. Maybe he just wanted to hook up? Forget him. The first few weeks I was signed up for okc, I told everyone I was sick and they still kept messaging me.

 

So Eric got me a christmas gift and I didn't get him anything.  I feel awful about it.

Gifts are given for the pleasure of giving and not for the expectation of something in return. That said, if you want to get him something, you still have time.

 

In Mr. Checked Out's defense, I got a text from him soon after I got home and one this afternoon thanking me for the date and apologizing about the rush and saying he'd like to get to know me better.

[aradia22]

I feel like I'm souring on Mr. Good Morning. The good morning's are more intermittent but they're still happening once or twice a week. But when I try to make plans he's not very responsive. The closest we've got is him saying he's got a day free and then me saying I'm busy. Because you can't just pick a day a few days in advance and expect me to be free. Yesterday he sent me a string of one word texts hours apart. One was "Lizzyyy." When I asked who Lizzy was, he said it was a typo and he meant to write "hey." I don't want any of his drama. Should I ignore and pretend I blocked him or give him one more chance to schedule an actual date?

[DkNNy79]

I say "no" to Mr. Good Morning.  He seems wishy washy.

[ShellSeeker]

 

For me, if a guy has shirtless pics (especially if they're flexing) because that just seems douchey/vain to me.

 

I am chuckling because a single friend of mine just joined Tinder, and I was asking her about it, since I'm married and clueless about the online dating scene these days. So she showed it to me from her phone, showed me what "swipe left" means, even though I already had a pretty good idea, what to do if you're interested in someone, and so on. And so she got to a guy who had pinged her (or whatever) whose pic was him shirtless, while driving his car. We laughed about that. Who drives around in their car shirtless, and who uses that as their profile pic?

 

If they have kids  - I'm just not looking to date someone with kids.  Kids = baby mama.  Baby mama = drama, usually.  If I met this person through another venue (at a bar, event...etc) and start chatting them up and later found out they had more kids, then I might be open to dating them.  But I feel like online dating lets you be more choosey.  But then again, maybe that's a bad thing.

 

I met my husband 13 years ago on Yahoo Personals. I was in my mid-30's and really wanted to find someone to settle down with. It worked for my best friend from high school, so I thought I'd give it a try too.

 

Anyway -- my husband has a daughter who was 5 when I first met her. She just turned 18. And you're right, there was some drama with her mom. Right from the start, my husband told me that she was flat-out crazy. I took it with a grain of salt, and figured that he probably wasn't completely objective, plus having to write that huge (really huge -- like $800) child support check every month wasn't helping either. Then a few things happened that made me realize that yes, she really was every bit as crazy as he said. But we muddled through.

 

I will say the advantage to dating a guy with kids is that it lets you see what kind of dad he is (if kids are on your mind), and you can also learn more about what kind of person he is. My stepdaughter moved in with us when she was 14, after things got really bad with her mom (and legit bad, really bad, not just your average teenager fighting with her mom stuff). But up until then, my husband could count on one hand the number of times that he had to cancel on her at the last minute, and they were always valid reasons: a blizzard that pretty much shut the city down, being sick as a dog and unable to get out of bed, one time was when I was in the hospital when I was pregnant with our daughter. So he took his responsibilities to her very seriously, and never, ever decided at the last minute that it was too far to drive, or that he'd rather do something else, or whatever. A lot of guys talk a lot about wanting to be an involved and active parent, but then don't follow through on the important things, like being a consistent, reliable presence in their kid's life. He made it clear right from the start that his daughter was a top priority for him, and that his obligations to her came first -- like getting together on a Tuesday night was never an option, since that was his day to pick her up from school and take her out to dinner. And it was a few months before he introduced us, too, since he wanted to be sure the relationship was going someplace. So I knew that he was a good dad.

 

The other thing that showed me he was a good dad -- and an honorable, principled person -- was that he never, ever, ever, not even once, said anything remotely negative to his daughter about her mom, even though he absolutely despises her (with good reason -- very long, very messed up story). All too often people will trash-talk their exes to their kids, and put them in the middle of their shit, which should be kept just between them and their ex. I told him once that I really admired and respected how he kept his daughter out of all that crap, and he said, "Well, it wouldn't accomplish anything except to upset her, and then make her feel like she has to choose between her mom and me. No kid should have to feel that way." And I told him that yeah, ideally, that's how it should be, but very few people are able to truly set aside their anger and bitterness enough to keep their kids out of it. He's the only person I've ever met that has been able to do that, and it was one of the things that made me fall in love with him.

 

So...all of that is to say that yeah, dating a guy with kids comes with strings attached, but it does let you see what kind of a person he is when he's not romancing you and trying to impress you.

[KnoxForPres]

Great post, Queasy. And yay for finding such an incredible man! I enjoyed reading how much you appreciate him.

I'm off Mr. Good Morning, too. Non-committal to dates, lame ass texts, Mr Move on and bore another girl.

Edit because I attempted to type all of the above and upon reread just wrote Lizzyyy.

Edited December 22, 2015 by KnoxForPres

[ShellSeeker]

Thanks. I was hoping it wouldn't come across as too condescending, like, "The all-knowing person married for 10 years shall now bestow some of her amazing wisdom upon the single masses." And if it did, my apologies. 

[aradia22]

So Mr. Good Morning is still texting me. I want to tell him to stop but then he would know that I haven't blocked him and might infer that I can't block him which would just be the worst. Damn this phone.

[KnoxForPres]

Get an iPhone! Typing from one now hence the autocorrect to small i. It loves to block numbers.

[aradia22]

I feel like I've said repeatedly that I'm not into playing games. And yet it's happening with Mr. Makeout. I tried to coax him into apologizing for giving me his cold and then I basically had to force him into it. And we text sporadically back and forth and it definitely feels like a power play one way or the other depending on who texts first. And now he wants to see me Friday. Well he texted "let's do something on Friday." I feel like he could have phrased that in the form of a question. I mean, technically I don't have plans right now but also, rude, what if I did have plans? 

 

Mr. Checked Out wants to meet up again. We haven't set anything up yet. My fault.

 

Another first date tonight. I will report back.

[BookWoman56]

I will say the advantage to dating a guy with kids is that it lets you see what kind of dad he is (if kids are on your mind), and you can also learn more about what kind of person he is. [snip] All too often people will trash-talk their exes to their kids, and put them in the middle of their shit, which should be kept just between them and their ex.

The flip side to that is the interaction also allows the person with kids to see how you will be with the kids and how you will deal with the ex. My first husband and I divorced when our son was around 2, at a time when I had gone back to college to finish my undergrad degree and then was planning to start grad school immediately. My ex already had his degree and a job, and was in a much better position to take care of our son, so we agreed he would have primary custody. There was zero drama; in fact, the attorney who handled the divorce told us he wished every couple was as calm, rational and polite to each other as we were. A couple of years later, my ex moved because of a job transfer and asked me to come stay with our son and also house-sit because he had to travel for a couple of weeks. The woman he was dating at the time absolutely refused to even meet me, saying that she knew she would hate me because I had given up the marriage to him, which she desperately wanted. She was so OTT about it that a few weeks later, he ended the relationship with her, commenting that as the mother of our son, I would be interacting with him and our son on a pretty regular basis, and he didn't want to deal with the drama of her refusing to meet me and the likelihood of her being bitchy to me if we did meet. It wasn't like we were still actively involved with each other; we lived 200 miles apart and at that point, I was limited to picking up my son for visits and then dropping him off, with maybe 20 minutes total face time with each other during pick-up/drop-off. So she came across as BSC jealous over nothing.

 

To bring this back around to online dating, yes, it's easier via online dating to filter out people who have kids. But whether with kids or without, seeing how the person interacts with other people, including former lovers, is a big indicator of how he/she will ultimately treat you. If he describes every former GF as a raging bitch, then no matter how nice he seems to you right now, sooner or later, you will be yet another in his list of raging bitches who treated him badly while he was in no way to blame for the end of the relationship. Similarly, if he is impatient with his own kids and loses his temper with them on a regular basis, that should be a big red flag.

[KnoxForPres]

I feel like I've said repeatedly that I'm not into playing games. And yet it's happening with Mr. Makeout. I tried to coax him into apologizing for giving me his cold and then I basically had to force him into it. And we text sporadically back and forth and it definitely feels like a power play one way or the other depending on who texts first. And now he wants to see me Friday. Well he texted "let's do something on Friday." I feel like he could have phrased that in the form of a question. I mean, technically I don't have plans right now but also, rude, what if I did have plans?

Mr. Checked Out wants to meet up again. We haven't set anything up yet. My fault.

Another first date tonight. I will report back.

This is 100% my take so keep that in my mind, but I think this is dead in the water.

At least to me when reading, you seem annoyed at Mr Makeout. Like he gets on your nerves. Because what described above is on the surface mild, but the smallest things become irritating when we don't mesh with someone or just don't like them.

To play devils advocate, I wouldn't apologize for giving someone a cold. Not because I was trying to be a bitch, but because it wouldn't occur to me. I might give a "crap, that sucks you got sick too!" But I wouldn't issue an "I'm sorry" because I didnt have intent or a plan to pass on my sniffles. That happens this time of year.

But, to bring it back, I think if there was a great connection you'd be like "I got his cold and whew boy it was worth it!" Possibly while twirling and tossing Kleenex in the air. I don't think you'd be thinking of apologies or analyzing words of being asked out.

Now, because life is weird sometimes I get invested in this and want Person A (who cannot win at this point) to respond or act like I want him to. And when he doesn't I get annoyed, and it becomes a cycle. Not fair for him or me, but I keep going, truth be told often because I find the person hot. And want it to work.

Of course, that's me analyzing a hell of a lot over an innocent paragraph you wrote so I accept if I'm totally off base. It just felt familiar to me as I read it and that's been my experience.

Can't wait to hear about new first date!!!!

[ShellSeeker]

To bring this back around to online dating, yes, it's easier via online dating to filter out people who have kids. But whether with kids or without, seeing how the person interacts with other people, including former lovers, is a big indicator of how he/she will ultimately treat you. If he describes every former GF as a raging bitch, then no matter how nice he seems to you right now, sooner or later, you will be yet another in his list of raging bitches who treated him badly while he was in no way to blame for the end of the relationship. Similarly, if he is impatient with his own kids and loses his temper with them on a regular basis, that should be a big red flag.

 

Good God, what a whack job. I'm glad your ex had the sense to dump her, and I'm glad your son doesn't have to deal with her either. My husband's ex really is nuts, and emotionally unstable (the stories I could tell...) but I do have to give credit where credit is due. She's always been very friendly with me, and I'm pretty sure she never trash talked either my husband or me to their daughter. And kudos to you and your ex for being able to maintain a civil relationship even though your marriage did not work out.

 

I was hung up on a real asshole for much longer than I care to admit. He described all of his exes, including 2 ex-wives, as psychos. Then after he jerked me around and I found myself behaving like a lunatic, on the verge of looking like a stalker to anyone who was not inside my head, I realized that the shitty way he treated women was what made us all crazy.