Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[aradia22]

@emma675 I mean, there's always an unavoidable lack of security when you decide to trust a stranger. In the early stages of dating you can give out all kinds of information... full name, phone number, email address, home address (if they're picking you up), job description/place of employment, where you went to school, hometown, pet names, etc. It's the kind of stuff that could be used against you if someone is a toxic garbage human who wants to doxx you or steal your identity, open credit cards in your name, etc. But, you know, at some point you have to trust people a little. I just always hedge a little. I don't really tell people my last name. I try to avoid being specific about where I work. No one is an entirely private person but there's a difference between that and how Google+ wanted you to tie your entire online life together. I don't need all my facebook friends to know every place I go or all of my specific interests (e.g. Pinterest, if I subscribed to a Martha Stewart newsletter, etc.). Anyone you date is probably going to know your real name. I think more of the concern comes in with people being able to search for you and people you don't decide to date coming one step closer to having the information to track you down. okc also has the separate problem of all the match questions being used against you but that takes a particularly devoted crazy person who specifically wants to target you to sift through all those questions for something incriminating or embarrassing or private or whatever. 

It definitely must be worse for people who aren't openly trans or gay, who are part of the kink community, or who just generally are different in their professional lives or even with family and/or friends than they want to be with a prospective partner. Maybe everyone at your law firm doesn't know you and your partner are poly. It doesn't make you a liar or a terrible person to want to keep some things separate. There aren't clean lines between public and private selves. These days people are much more compartmentalized. You might be one person in your knitting circle and a slightly different person at your teaching job and a slightly different person when you go out to a concert or go dancing to unwind. That's OK. 

[JTMacc99]

2 hours ago, Lantern7 said:

@JTMacc99 . . . are you still looking for somebody nice? If so, by "conventional" (re: pre-Internet) ways?

No, I am not actively searching. 

When I think I’d like to do so, I’m not sure if I’m going back to the Internet. 

[possibilities]

I"m waiting to see if people go along with this new policy, or if they get enough resistance to reverse it.

People can trace your identity from your photo, and you can make up any name you want, as far as I can tell. But I still don't like it, and I don't like the way they did it without giving people advance notice and a chance to delete their own accounts before getting locked out.

[theredhead77]

It's not asking for your full name and I'm not seeing the big deal about using your first name, said as someone with an uncommon first name.

[AgentRXS]

I haven't used my OKC profile in ages so OKC is either going to delete my profile or its going to sit there collecting dust forever. When I saw that email, I was like "Nope, never going on that site again".  To make up a fake "real" name seems silly, being required to give out your real name takes power away from the user. I don't need every creep knowing my real name. I just don't see the point of telling OKC my name is Sabrina (for example) when its not. Then if I meet someone I really like I have tell him my name isn't really Sabrina but I'm just using it for OKC. And that just makes everything seem pointlessly annoying.  Bye, OKC.

Edited December 23, 2017 by AgentRXS

[CastleBell]

12 hours ago, aradia22 said:

Anyone you date is probably going to know your real name. I think more of the concern comes in with people being able to search for you and people you don't decide to date coming one step closer to having the information to track you down.

Can I like this a million times?

I use a real name that is not mine as a screen name, with a note on my profile that it is not my real name but I'll share my real (somewhat unusual) name when we start chatting. And I always do, because if I've chosen to start chatting with someone I've made a judgment call that this is not a psycho who wishes to harass me.

I logged in and claimed that my screen name is my real name. I didn't edit my profile. If the OKC police comes after me after reading my profile, or if they somehow link my real name (which I'm not sure they even have) to my public profile without my taking action, I will of course delete my account. I have spent my whole life being very, very careful about my online footprint and I'm certainly not changing that now because of OKC.

Also, I'll kind of miss names like hOrNyElEpHaNtDiCk. I knew not to bother reading those profiles-- very efficient!

[ratgirlagogo]

On 12/22/2017 at 8:04 PM, aradia22 said:

These days people are much more compartmentalized

They were always this compartmentalized.   That's why I don't get this new policy.  It's not even being justified in a way that I can see the legal need for it, or something.

[aradia22]

A very cute boy dropped into my inbox yesterday (I just logged in to my account tonight). Simple profile (not so sparse as to be worrisome but more like a Tinder profile). Monitoring the situation... I know I've talked about not being so hot on winter dates but I wouldn't mind going on a few. ;)

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They were always this compartmentalized.  

Disagree. With all the different websites and groups and identities I think it's much easier to fragment your "self" into different parts that you share selectively with all those different groups. It works for some people but I could never be a consistent "brand" across all platforms and online spaces. I don't believe you can downplay how much the internet has amplified the ability to compartmentalize.

[aradia22]

Update on the cute boy... he wants to exchange instagram accounts? I mean, mine isn't exciting. I take photos of stuff and landscapes. There's only one photo of me and my face isn't in the photo. I don't really sense the downside as far as a scam goes except for getting me to momentarily follow him on instagram. But that seems like a weird plot because I can just unfollow him. I don't know. What are you all thinking? 

I kind of tapped out at twitter so I'm not really savvy enough to sense where this might be going. I mean, if it was snapchat I'd be side-eyeing it more. 

[aradia22]

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Send a message

Before you send a message, ask yourself:
Is it worth my (and their) time?

Quote

Send a message

Before you send a message, ask yourself:
Do you say this to everyone?

Quote

Send a message

Before you send a message, ask yourself:
Does it relate to their profile?

Quote

Send a message

Before you send a message, ask yourself:
Has this been copy and pasted?

OK, okc, calm down. I don't need you hovering over my shoulder like a misguided Clippy every time I send a message. The added pressure and guilt seems like a weird choice for everyone who isn't about to send something salacious, insulting, etc. It just feels like it's going to make the normal people more anxious about sending those first messages.

Edited December 30, 2017 by aradia22

[possibilities]

It's like they're trying to reduce site usage!

[theredhead77]

I think that message can apply to many situations where you debate if you should reply or not. Is it worth your time (fuck theirs) to reply?

[Lantern7]

Chatting up somebody on OKC. So far, so good. Still pitching myself to others, with no real bites yet.

[Lantern7]

Okay. So.

I'm on OKC. I was supposed to go shopping, but my car's battery died, and I needed a jump. Good news: this was at home. Bad news: It is freezing out. Anyway, I'm thawing out, and I'm responding to another profile . . . and a lady messages me. Turns out she hasn't logged into OKC in about three months. We chatted for a while, and I might see her soon. As usual, I'm waiting for the other shoe, but it does give me a small boost for 2018.

And seriously, may all us single people have luck next year; either with others or by ourselves.

[aradia22]

I can still see first messages on okc in DoubleTake (basically their version of Tinder swiping) even if I haven't liked the person. I had a handful of people wish me Happy New Year. Also this...

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(Heart eyes emoji)(Heart eyes emoji) On here looking like a whole snack

[possibilities]

Good Lord, does that work with ANYONE? Are there really people who want to look like a snack? I'd think that if you had such low standards, you would be able to pick up "dates" on any street corner anyway, so why bother with OKC?

[aradia22]

I mean, it's slang, but as far as pickup lines go, yeah, it's not that different from catcalling. 

[aradia22]

Another person I came across in DoubleTake. 

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Hi [my name redacted]. How is your endow a wednesday treating you?

Another message that makes me think I'm going insane and no longer understand language. What does this mean???

[Bastet]

2 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

Another message that makes me think I'm going insane and no longer understand language. What does this mean???

Maybe it was supposed to be "end of," they typed it "endof," and auto-correct changed it to "endow."

[aradia22]

Oh, this is just priceless...

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First message: Do you have nipple piercings

My self-summary

Honest sweet caring and understanding. Hardworking and very funny.

Profile photo is a random stock photo of hands in a heart shape. 

[aradia22]

Another first message from DoubleTake. In the past I would have just thought this seemed pleasant even though I wasn't interested in the guy. After reading this thread, I now recognize it as a more polite fishing message that actually says nothing about me or my profile.

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Fyi you are beautiful in case you didn't know. I'm looking  for someone to give me a chance to show them the man I am. If you find Yourself a teddy bear fan lmao and Wants to get to know a good person I'm your guy. If not that's fine and I wish you the best. Im just looking for a chance to change all that you believe to be true.

[Lantern7]

@aradia22: Dang. Sometimes, I use the same approach, and I would throw in stuff if the woman has stuff in her profile (by which I mean interests) that makes me excited. I got a message from a woman because she liked the pic of me coming out of a TARDIS. And I usually hate getting photgraphed because I feel that I'm never good at posing. Also, I try not to self-deprecate too much. "You've had the rest, now try the . . . somewhat average" doesn't look good on a screen.

[possibilities]

From my perspective, people need to not say anything that sounds generic. You have to convey something about yourself that doesn't sound like it could be just any random person looking to connect with any other random person. And it shouldn't sound too much like a sales pitch.

Of course, not everyone would have the same approach as I do. Some people might very well be happy to just get coffee with whoever, and see how it feels once they get there, and not feel a need to do any kind of screening beforehand. But for me, I just don't want to bother unless you can seem interesting before we meet in person.

[Lantern7]

For anybody that uses Outlook: when you get a message and/or profiles from OKC and you click the link, does your browser tell you that it's an unsafe link? I think OKC would be safe, but I just want to know if anybody else here deals with that.

[aradia22]

So... Sweet Nugget came back from his semester abroad and we went on a date. What can I say? He works for me right now. In person he's great and since he doesn't have an okc account anymore, I don't get long, crazy messages. We went to the museum and neither of us were really feeling it but we had a nice stroll and mocked some of the art. He laughs at my jokes. He makes me feel pretty. And he's not a terrible kisser. He's not a great kisser. So far no one kisses as well as Mr. Makeout. The guy who smiled a lot was not a wet kisser so I guess he's second best though I was never really moved by his kisses. Sweet Nugget is sort of a wet kisser but not in a way that's too unpleasant. (It is very possible my opinion on this will change.) After the museum we went on a really long walk looking for a bar and then made out in the corner every so often. My lipstick got all over his face but I wore red lipstick for him because he told me that he likes it. I don't know. It was an awkward date, poorly planned, full of silences and rambling. And yet... it didn't feel awkward. It was pretty comfortable. I could talk about therapy stuff and be negative and just ramble and I never felt like he was judging me. I didn't feel self-conscious about my body or my appearance or my opinions. 

I'm not kidding myself. I don't know if we're going out again but we're definitely not in it for the long haul. He's not ambitious. He wants to move to another country. He doesn't want to go to concerts. He doesn't even really like music. But he's smart enough to be pleasant to talk to. He's not challenging. I find him attractive if not a sharp dresser. And right now I want to enjoy being comfortable with someone who I don't hate kissing while I'm waiting for my very lost knight in shining armor.

[SaySay24]

Best wishes with him, Aradia. Just remember that it seems he sort of blind-sided you in the past. I hope you are able to keep that in your mind a little until you know him better if you do still want to keep seeing him. 

[CastleBell]

11 hours ago, SaySay24 said:

Best wishes with him, Aradia. Just remember that it seems he sort of blind-sided you in the past. I hope you are able to keep that in your mind a little until you know him better if you do still want to keep seeing him. 

Co-sign. If he makes you happy in a Mr. Right Now way, great. But I know you're too smart to forget that just because he no longer has an OKC account to send you crazy messages, that does not mean the underlying issue isn't there. 

Speaking of OKC, I was browsing profiles today with the sort set to most recently online. It appears that a pretty significant minority of people just ignored the directive to use their real names.

[possibilities]

1 hour ago, CastleBell said:

Speaking of OKC, I was browsing profiles today with the sort set to most recently online. It appears that a pretty significant minority of people just ignored the directive to use their real names.

Hmmmn... I haven't been back since the new rule and now I'm wondering if I should just try to sign in with my old username....

[Lantern7]

Just got off a date. Instead of going over pros and cons of following up, I would rather get personal feedback. I figure that I could tell the story (such as it was) to the first two or three people here that message me. I'm thinking nothing out of the ordinary will happen regarding this woman, but I'm not really comfortable laying it all out here. Nothing too "adult" . . . more like rated PG.

[aradia22]

A truly magnificent first message in the wake of okc's insistence on real names (Reminder, I do use mine.)

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Hi what is your name

I don't... is this trolling? Swipe left.

[JTMacc99]

1 hour ago, aradia22 said:

A truly magnificent first message in the wake of okc's insistence on real names (Reminder, I do use mine.)

I don't... is this trolling? Swipe left.

Ha! 

Honestly, it kind of makes me annoyed at how many thoughtful opening messages I sent that didn't even get back a "Thanks for the note. I don't think we're a good romantic match (aka: I'm not attracted to you even a little), but good luck out there!"

I mean, I understand why. The same mentality that thinks that "Hi, what's your name?" to somebody who has clearly stated her name right in front of you, is also the same kind of thinking that even a very clear "I'm not interested" as the start of a negotiation. 

Edited January 15, 2018 by JTMacc99

[aradia22]

You guys... it happened. I got a new poem. Do you want to hear it?

[Lantern7]

"There once was a girl on OK Cupid/Who believed the whole process was stupid . . ."

Off to bed. I'll go over Sunday with you guys tomorrow.

[aradia22]

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though these days i only message while drinking

even sober, I find myself thinking

has choice made us fickle?

it sure is a pickle

but what good is liking without linking?

On the one hand, it's still a generic fishing message. On the other hand, points for having structure and rhyming. 

[CastleBell]

I have received no poems!

I did get a message from Mr. Washington DC saying that we had made plans to meet and he didn't remember why we ended up not connecting. I figured it wouldn't be helpful for me to reply "Oh, I do!! It's because you casually blew me off for 'errands' after I broke my neck juggling my obligation to meet you when I said I would with all my other obligations!" 

[Lantern7]

*sigh* I can't spell out my story openly. And I apologize for looking like I'm homaging Kristen Wiig's "Please don't make me sing" character. Basically, I got taken aback by something where I could have prevented by typing in my profile. She seemed open to hanging out when I left, but she might have been saying that to be polite.

ETA: To reiterate: I'm willing to tell my story to anybody here who would PM me in exchange for feedback.

Edited January 16, 2018 by Lantern7

[aradia22]

Was having a relatively normal interaction on okc. Then all of a sudden...

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Him: I don't think you're from NYC.

Me: I am from NYC.

Him: Oh ok. Yeah that makes sense with a neurotic apathetic profile. People seem dead online and all the newcomers are more alive and perky like me. I still have a lot of things I don't hate or get aroused by here. I'm turning into one you. This is the most volatile city I've ever dated in. It's so unpredictable what you'll get.

Me: I think it helps to avoid insulting people.

Him: I insult by being non religious and a-political on the fence. 

Insult will occur even with inaction. Ignorance is insulting too. All you can do is limit it.

Me: You can limit insult by not directly insulting people.

Him: Ok. Goodluck to you.

Sigh...

[aradia22]

Different guy. Remember when I was like 'I'm so lonely. I just want to go out with someone.' Yeah, nothing like a reminder of how guys can be jerks to shake that off.

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Him: Ha literally put my mouth on your mouth?

Me: I think some people call it kissing

Him: I might just jump right into something more intimate than that

It is pretty cold out after all :)

Me: I don't follow.

Him: I think we should make out and have sex :)

I look for romance and I get assholes who say what they want because they just tell it like it is, etc. and objectification and propositioning. Awesome.

[theredhead77]

17 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

 

I look for romance and I get assholes who say what they want because they just tell it like it is, etc. and objectification and propositioning. Awesome.

Have you tried a professional matchmaker or speed dating? If I recall, you live in a big city, surely there are services available to people to be set up or otherwise eliminate the online dating.

[aradia22]

I'm not opposed to online dating. It's the specific guys who feel like they can say whatever they want via online dating. I have no illusions about that improving because you paid $10-$30 for a speed dating mixer. There are great guys on online dating sites. They are not talking to me but they are there. 

[DeLurker]

Every character you typed after "I am from NYC" was wasted.

[aradia22]

New first message. This is a rare good one. I mention liking TAL on my profile. I wish I were attracted to him, but I'm not.

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Welcome to This American Life, I'm Ira Glass, each week we choose a theme, and give you different OKcupid matches based on that theme. Today's theme: (name redacted)! You, know, we were talking about it in the office, and we just thought: "You know those first messages you get that someone put way too much effort into? Why don't we see more of them?" So we decided to make some special. This is This American Life. I'm Ira Glass, stay with us!

[possibilities]

On 1/16/2018 at 1:13 PM, CastleBell said:

 

I did get a message from Mr. Washington DC saying that we had made plans to meet and he didn't remember why we ended up not connecting. I figured it wouldn't be helpful for me to reply "Oh, I do!! It's because you casually blew me off for 'errands' after I broke my neck juggling my obligation to meet you when I said I would with all my other obligations!" 

I would tell him. Why not? It isn't going to change his prospects with you, but that's the kind of feedback I would give. Maybe I'm a bitch, though. Very possible. But I actually consider that to be constructive feedback.

[aradia22]

I would tell him but for the opposite reason. I like to give people rope to either pull themselves out of the hole or hang themselves. I know you already decided how you feel about him cancelling but I like to know where I stand. Is this person actually a jerk or did they just do or say something that could be interpreted badly? 

[CastleBell]

I've literally never had a positive experience trying to give feedback, so I've stopped doing it. It's always taken as an invitation to argue and in this case there's nothing to argue about. My loss of interest is what it is. 

[aradia22]

To clarify, I wasn't giving advice... just pointing out what I would do, for better or worse. :)

[Lantern7]

Short story: the date was mostly okay, but I decided it wasn't going to work. New question: I wrote my sentiments three days after the date. Is she under any obligation to write back to confirm? I do not believe she is, mostly because I never respond when a potential match turns me down. Basically, the most I would do is smile in a forced manner, say "Good luck" behind clenched teeth, and proceed to hate myself for a few days. I don't think I'm that mature, to be honest.

[theredhead77]

1 hour ago, Lantern7 said:

New question: I wrote my sentiments three days after the date. Is she under any obligation to write back to confirm?

Excuse me?
Women (or men) are under no obligation to acknowledge any date related message, call or text, ever. Is it the polite thing to do, sure, depending on the circumstances. Seriously though, this isn't the first time you've inquired about what women are obligated (or similar verbiage) to do. It's a bit concerning.

[Lantern7]

Like I said, I never write back when I am denied, and I think this is the first time I've been on the other side, so I don't know all of the unwritten rules. Also, I did not made my decision to get on that side. My intent was not to offend, @theredhead77.

[Lantern7]

Quick question: if I like a profile on OKC, and then I can't find it the next day in my "likes," does that mean the person removed the profile? I remember seeing a nice woman yesterday, but I didn't have time to message her. I am 85 percent certain I clicked "Like," and I was going to message her today . . . only I can't find the profile. Any feedback would be appreciated.

ETA: I had printed out the profile yesterday, but I can't seem to narrow down the range (age, height, religion, etc.) on OKC, which is a little frustrating.

Edited January 23, 2018 by Lantern7