Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[aradia22]

Mr. Lawyer (I might have called him something else but he talked about it a lot) ended up looking a little different from his photos. Heavier and a little older (but not older than what he said his age was) which leads me to think he used photos from a couple of years ago. But he was perfectly friendly. We chatted about our lives and our interests before the show. And during the show we snuck in little comments about jazz and the performance. It was a nice, chill date. He did start to check his phone a lot at the end, but I don't blame because I think it was running longer than he'd expected. We ended up leaving early (I have no idea when the show would have actually ended). He talked a lot about being a lawyer. But he asked about me too, it wasn't like he was dominating the conversation. It was fine. I didn't feel a ton of chemistry but I thought was going alright until he wanted to leave early. Though I don't see it going anywhere past another date or two. I don't think either of us were that thrilled with the other person. He was a little frowny sometimes. Not in a mean way, just not always in the most... agreeable way. But guys can have RBF too. I know I'm repeating myself but it was fine, I just don't think we're a match. But at least this one didn't annoy me. Progress!

ETA: He sent a text when he got home.

Edited January 13, 2017 by aradia22

[KnoxForPres]

On 1/12/2017 at 2:49 PM, aradia22 said:

I finally blocked Mr. Accountant/Mr. Nice Boy. I had been halfheartedly keeping up a conversation with him because he doesn't seem like a bad person even though I'm not attracted to him. But I was finally over it. He asked me about what I look for/hate in a guy so I finally brought up his terrible spelling/grammar. 

If a guy is in his mid-20's and doesn't know the difference between "your" and "you're" and has no interest in learning... he's not right for me. I don't think he's a jerk but clearly this isn't going anywhere. I'm tired of answering his endless questions. This isn't magically going to become a relationship. I told him a while ago that I didn't feel any chemistry but I thought maybe we could be friendly because he seemed a little lonely. But trying to be nice and drawing it out is just testing my patience. Like I said before, nice boy. He doesn't really care about me or what I think. He's just after some end goal I can't fathom.

Fair. 

I will play devil's advocate and say that means little when it comes to a  

Edited January 17, 2017 by KnoxForPres

[Scott]

On January 11, 2017 at 7:25 PM, theredhead77 said:

Hey [screen name]

We just detected that you’re now among the most attractive people on OkCupid.

We learned this from clicks to your profile and reactions to you in Quickmatch. Did you get a new haircut or something? Well, it’s working!

To celebrate, we’ve adjusted your OkCupid experience:

You’ll see more attractive people in your results.

This won’t affect your match percentages, which are still based purely on your answers and desired match’s answers. But we’ll recommend more attractive people to you. You’ll also appear more often to other attractive people.

Sign in to see your newly-shuffled matches. Have fun, and don’t let this go to your head.

I want to know if there's an equivalent email the other direction:

Hey, what happened?  You must have really let yourself go, because nobody is swiping right anymore.  Because of this, we're only going to match you with other ugly folks!  Congrats!

[ratgirlagogo]

On 1/11/2017 at 10:25 PM, theredhead77 said:

You’ll see more attractive people in your results.

That is weird, and kind of creepy.  I mean, congrats for being so attractive, but still.......

[aradia22]

I think that's just a standard message everyone gets at some point. It's like when they tell you they want to let you be a moderator (i.e. do free work for them). 

[theredhead77]

I certainly didn't think I was doing anything other than being an active member. I have literally not changed a thing on my profile since I signed up. And if they are showing me "more attractive" matches now, I'm doomed. I need to figure out how to be matched with people who don't look like serial killers, douchebags (thanks, Ed Hardy) and people who know what a shower is.

A guy I met a couple weeks ago at one of the Meet-Ups keeps asking me to hang out. Last weekend I was busy. He asked again tonight but I'm spending quality time with my couch and Stephen Colbert. I said maybe we can get a couple beers tomorrow. He's nice enough but my limited interactions did not produce an omg I need to talk to him again immediately reaction and I suspect, based on our interactions, he's a little in to me. I'm going to get drinks as a friend. Maybe I'm wrong and he's not, but if he is, and I'm not I'll have to tread lightly to not make things awkward. The group does have a strict "this isn't a dating group, let the Owner know if you're getting unwanted messages" but he's in other groups too.

[Trini]

On 1/8/2017 at 7:29 PM, theredhead77 said:

I think we need a PreviouslyTV dating site.

Ha! I said the exact same thing about TWoP years ago. Only thing is, I'm looking for guys, and both these sites are like 80% gals. (Or is that about the same ratio as most dating sites anyway?)

[theredhead77]

23 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

A guy I met a couple weeks ago at one of the Meet-Ups keeps asking me to hang out. Last weekend I was busy. He asked again tonight but I'm spending quality time with my couch and Stephen Colbert. I said maybe we can get a couple beers tomorrow. He's nice enough but my limited interactions did not produce an omg I need to talk to him again immediately reaction and I suspect, based on our interactions, he's a little in to me. I'm going to get drinks as a friend. Maybe I'm wrong and he's not, but if he is, and I'm not I'll have to tread lightly to not make things awkward. The group does have a strict "this isn't a dating group, let the Owner know if you're getting unwanted messages" but he's in other groups too.

I met this guy this evening. I'm still not sure if I'm wrong about my instinct or if he's just trying to make new friends but either way, I won't be hanging out one on one again. I don't think I'm wrong because the first time I met him he said he had a hard time being just friends with girls (I am one who can pull off strictly platonic with guys).

Trying to make conversation was a chore. He either has a really shitty memory, is a liar or drinks more than he lets on. A few weeks ago at a Meet-Up he said lived walking distance from the bar we were at but tonight he said he is walking distance of another area (they aren't walking distance from each other). At that same meeting someone gave him tips to stay warm during his vacation to New York. This evening I asked if he did what she suggested and he had no idea what I was talking about. It was just odd, so I finished my one beer, told him I wasn't feeling great and headed home.

[ratgirlagogo]

17 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

(they aren't walking distance from each other). 

Maybe he changes apartments a lot. :) or is some kind of super-duper marathon walker. :)

[theredhead77]

20 minutes ago, ratgirlagogo said:

Maybe he changes apartments a lot. :) or is some kind of super-duper marathon walker. :)

Heh. At the X-Mas eve one he had an apartment. Last night he owned a condo. I asked when he moved thinking it was within the last couple weeks. Nope, he's owned the condo for a few years.  Besides the painful conversation there were enough flags that I won't be hanging out one on one again.

[Avocado]

On 2017-01-12 at 11:49 AM, aradia22 said:

I finally blocked Mr. Accountant/Mr. Nice Boy. I had been halfheartedly keeping up a conversation with him because he doesn't seem like a bad person even though I'm not attracted to him. But I was finally over it. He asked me about what I look for/hate in a guy so I finally brought up his terrible spelling/grammar. 

If a guy is in his mid-20's and doesn't know the difference between "your" and "you're" and has no interest in learning... he's not right for me. I don't think he's a jerk but clearly this isn't going anywhere. I'm tired of answering his endless questions. This isn't magically going to become a relationship. I told him a while ago that I didn't feel any chemistry but I thought maybe we could be friendly because he seemed a little lonely. But trying to be nice and drawing it out is just testing my patience. Like I said before, nice boy. He doesn't really care about me or what I think. He's just after some end goal I can't fathom.

 

On 2017-01-12 at 9:22 PM, KnoxForPres said:

Fair. 

I will play devil's advocate and say that means little when it comes to a persons character. 

He showed he was aware of it and we got to know this because you posted his response (which I thought was A OK). 

I think you've made it well aware your ego is high so instead of putting down the nice people- go out there and find a like minded individual would be my best advice.

I'm not sure if this reply was intended to come off as a snipe or if I read it wrong . . . if the former, I think it's really unwarranted. It doesn't sound like Aradia was at all mean to him personally, but is using this forum as a place to share some honest feelings.

Personally, I find poor spelling and grammar cringeworthy as well, but if someone can't help it, that's one thing. To shrug it off? That would be a turnoff for me as well. (For context: I once dated a guy with very bad dyslexia and of course never judged him for his atrocious spelling.) It was also only one comment among others, the overall takeaway being that there was no chemistry. It is what it is.

I also don't get the high ego comment. Is having healthy self-esteem and knowing what you want a terrible thing? Aradia has also shared plenty of her struggles and I don't think she comes off as snooty as all. JMO.

Aradia, to you directly: I lurk here regularly but never post, so I suppose I'm overdue chiming in that I really appreciate your posts. I've set myself a deadline to get a profile online this year and start online dating, and it scares the shit out of me. I've loved following your adventures.

[aradia22]

Sigh... I could give a more complicated explanation right now but basically... I have a first date tomorrow and I'm feeling fat and lumpy. I'm torn between wearing something that will look amazing when I'm standing but fat and lumpy when I sit down next to him. Or something that will make me look like I'm hiding in a tent when I'm standing that will continue to hide me when I sit down. 

[DeLurker]

Good posture can hide a lot of flaws, whether real or imaginary.  So even sitting, keep that good posture.  Or there's always spanx.

How about something in between amazing and the tent?  Something you feel comfortable in, but looks good?  Or go for basic/neutral from the waist down and wear something that has an amazing neckline (not necessarily revealing), great necklace/earrings and emphasize your best facial feature - anything  that draws the eye away from where you are currently self-conscious about.

From following along your dating adventures, it sounds like this is more the result of a tough patch in your self-confidence and perhaps you are less tone than the standard you set for yourself so that gets magnified into "fat and lumpy".

[aradia22]

I wore the dress I wanted to wear. He didn't seem to mind.

OK. Here's the report. I was a mess tonight. My train wasn't running which I didn't realize until I started texting him because I was going to be late. Long story short, I was planning on taking a train that would leave me a block from the theater (we were going to see a show). I had to run to another subway station, take a train there, and then walk a good way to the theater. So I was super late for our meeting time (a half hour before the show) and 20 minutes late for the show itself. But he was very understanding about it. The show was fine. My view was obstructed. That's not for this thread. Anyway, I spent most of intermission in the line for the restroom so I could try to make myself presentable again. We did talk a little bit though when I got back. But the bulk of our time together was after the show. We walked toward the train/on a search for a coffee shop or something that was in vain.

He seems nice and pleasant and well-spoken. He has a good job and seems settled and focused. We're the same age but he's more together than I am. I tried to shift the focus to him when I could but he kept asking me questions about myself. I think he's very handsome. And he has pretty eyes. He's also a liar and it's a good thing I wore flats. He said he was 5'7. He's not. If I'm being generous, I'd say he's 5'5. If I'm being truthful, he's very close to my height. I guess it's better than the guy who was shorter than me. Our goodbye kiss was very awkward and not... good. It wasn't bad. It just didn't go very well. 

So here's where I am. I obsessed about the kiss on the way home and I got really excited when I saw that he texted me. I think I could date him for a while but right now I'm not sure if I see something longterm. I like him and I think he's cute. But I think he might be a little pushy and I feel like right now my feelings are more PG than I would like them to be. This is how I'd feel if a cute boy had asked me on a date in high school. But I think we're going to see each other again next week and I'm hoping to be proven wrong. Maybe I can somehow teach him how I want him to kiss me. Other than the height and the kiss and prodding a little too much about my life, he ticks off a lot of boxes. It was not ideal but I'd still call it a good date.

[DeLurker]

17 hours ago, aradia22 said:

He's also a liar and it's a good thing I wore flats. He said he was 5'7. He's not. If I'm being generous, I'd say he's 5'5. If I'm being truthful, he's very close to my height. I guess it's better than the guy who was shorter than me. Our goodbye kiss was very awkward and not... good. It wasn't bad. It just didn't go very well. 

<snip>

Other than the height and the kiss and prodding a little too much about my life, he ticks off a lot of boxes. It was not ideal but I'd still call it a good date.

I think liar is a bit strong - when I read that, I was expecting some serious misrepresentations about himself.  For myself, I would not put height into that category because it would be so easily exposed so maybe a marketing ploy of literally stretching the truth.  And having only been a profile advisor who got entertained over lunch by my friends online dating adventures, I don't know how receptive most women would be if he listed his real height.  That might limit his potential dating pool to women shorter than him.

And I am inferring the goodbye kiss was a bit more than a peck on the cheek which, combined with some other things you said, is a good sign.  And first kisses are often awkward.

It seems to me (from your other posts) that you are pretty discreet about your personal life and probably only share your true thoughts/feelings/concerns with a few people that you have a high degree of confidence/trust in.  Is it possible that what you took for prodding was more casual than you interpreted?  Did they kind of mirror the questions you were comfortable asking him?  I ask because I was (well am) that way - it is a defensive tactic to get people talking about themselves to shield myself from inquiries early on.  But try to turn the tables on me too soon?  You're nosy!

And having that kind of giddy feeling post-date when you got his text?  I think that says a lot.

As my daughter says "slow your roll" - he seems to have several solid +s so far.  If that is an accurate assessment, spend some more time with him so you get a better chance to evaluate his character. 

Edited January 22, 2017 by DeLurker
cause spelink is difikult

[aradia22]

I feel comfortable calling him a liar. If you're 5'10 or 5'11 and want to bump yourself up to 6'0 because you think that sounds better, that's one thing. If you're short and adding 4 inches to your height so you're a more average height for a guy, that's a more dramatic misrepresentation. Yeah, certain things sound/look better on a dating site. That doesn't mean you should use old photos if your body has changed or lie about your age because you want to date younger people. I'm projecting my best self on my profile, but I'm not displaying a different person.

Without getting too personal, the goodbye kiss was 3 attempts at a kiss and none of them went very well.

I would say that I'm good at talking, but I don't go very deep immediately. I mean, I'll tell you all about my life but I'm not going to share the darkest parts of my soul. That wasn't what he was asking though. He kept asking "what do you want to do with your life" kinds of questions, which after I'd initially answered, I felt like he should have dropped it. My sense was that he kept prodding like I was going to magically have some epiphany. I was telling him there were people I needed to talk to and hinted at issues I needed to work out and he just kept asking in different ways like if he just pushed the right button, I would realize what I REALLY want to pursue. Which, no, I know myself. I've been thinking about this a lot longer than you have. I'm being more honest by telling you I still have work to do on myself instead of lying and telling you that I want to pursue X. I might have asked him a similar question but I wouldn't have continued to prod like that after he answered. 

But yeah, I definitely want to see him again. Aside from the height, the other two things are easy fixes. Maybe we'll go somewhere on our second date that gives us something more to talk about and see how that goes. And maybe I can teach him how to kiss. Whatever happens, I'll report back.

[DeLurker]

Fair enough on the height issue - again, I've never done the online dating thing so don't have any parallels to draw upon.

I would have been put off with him not moving on from the life plans question - especially if it is something that is a work-in-progress for you.

In any event, hope the next date is a little smoother now that the first in-person meet is out of the way!

[JTMacc99]

So like I said about a month ago, every once in while I turn on either Bumble or Tinder (which I think is weird for people my age) just because I want to know see that there are options for me when I'm ready. My profile leads with separated, pretty much assuring nobody swipes right on me. Or at least nobody who isn't willing to hear my story and still have a cup of coffee. Also assuring that I stay out of trouble I have my current standards set very high. As I told my newly separated friend at work, "Attractive Ivy League graduates or better."  Because you gotta accept that call, right?

Turned on Bumble two Saturdays ago after a big martini, put in a couple new photos, scrolled around for a while. Made me feel better that I have options. Last Saturday night, two martinis in this time, I discover that Bumble says I have matches outside of my search area, and for $10 they'll let me see them. Didn't even need to get a credit card, Apple just took my money before I had a chance to think twice. 

Since then not one, but TWO attractive Ivy League graduates pinged me. Dammit. I'm trying to be just looking here. 

Does make me feel like a hundred dollars though. 

[theredhead77]

@JTMacc99 I'd meet you for coffee but I'm not an Ivy League grad.

Last night I received a rare response on OKC. His second message to me was asking if I wanted to text and share more photos. My response was "not at the moment". His response was "one". Mine was "No". His response "nice legs though ;-) ". I was hoping he would have taken the second no as a clue to change the subject so I replied back "It seems what you're seeking is more appropriate for Tinder. Good luck out there" and I received back "no, but nice of you to assume that".

Well fucker, immediately asking me to text and exchange photos, not taking no for an answer and continuing to focus on the physical instead of making an attempt at conversation certainly didn't seem like you were interested in more than a hook-up. Also: not moving on after the second "no" was an instant deal breaker. At that point I was almost hoping for something inappropriate so I could report him. I blocked him instead.

[JTMacc99]

@theredhead77 Ivy League grad was my short way of determining smart and likely to have her shit together. I'll take any version of that to start.  Let's see, if I remember correctly where you are located, the halfway point between us is Topeka Kansas. If I start driving right now, I should be able to meet you at around 7:30 tomorrow evening.  Gonna need that coffee for the drive back home.

8 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

Also: not moving on after the second "no" was an instant deal breaker. At that point I was almost hoping for something inappropriate so I could report him. I blocked him instead.

Yesterday I sought the advice of a friend at work who is separated and dating here and there. I wanted to run some stuff by her before I had my first phone call with one of the ones I mentioned above. 

But first I wanted to know how she was doing. She told me a very similar "doesn't get the damn hint" story. The guy was just way too pushy. In her case it was just give me some time because I have some stuff to take care of at home. He said sure, and then followed up way too quickly and way too often despite repeatedly being told to give her some time. He's blocked now. 

[theredhead77]

4 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

@theredhead77 Ivy League grad was my short way of determining smart and likely to have her shit together. I'll take any version of that to start.  Let's see, if I remember correctly where you are located, the halfway point between us is Topeka Kansas. If I start driving right now, I should be able to meet you at around 7:30 tomorrow evening.  Gonna need that coffee for the drive back home.

Aw. I'm not setting foot outside of California for a few years.

[StatisticalOutlier]

On 1/22/2017 at 4:26 PM, DeLurker said:

Fair enough on the height issue - again, I've never done the online dating thing so don't have any parallels to draw upon.

The height thing is interesting, especially in online dating.  As you said upthread, you're going to be found out if you're stretching the truth.

I feel bad for short men.  If they admit they're 5'6" in a profile, there is an enormous pool of women who won't even consider dating them.  I think the men think that if they can just get their foot in the door, their other winning characteristics will carry the day and their height won't be an issue.

But I doubt that happens very often, if ever.  And I did have the experience of meeting someone who had stretched the truth about his height, and I was disappointed.  Not in his height--I had a boyfriend for a few years who was shorter than I was--but in the fact that he hadn't been completely truthful about it.  While at the same time trying not to judge him because he almost has no choice.  In order to try to get his foot into some people's door, he alienated me.  They kind of can't win.

I'll admit I'm an outlier, but I'm very much okay with dating a man who's shorter than I am.  In fact, if I'm being honest, I kind of liked it--I don't put a lot of stock in what other people think, but I always thought, when they'd see us together, that they might think there was something special going on with me, and not just that I was a kind person who would date a short man out of pity.  And maybe that there was something special about my boyfriend, that he was confident enough to be with a woman who was taller than he was.

And isn't it ridiculous that this is even an issue at all.  On the one hand, I understand that we all have traits and characteristics that we're attracted to, and to some extent we can't help that, and an online profile is probably the perfect place to have all those desires and prejudices.  I mean, you're in effect putting in an order, after all.  But on the other hand, I just can't help being annoyed by, for example, the men in their 60s who won't consider a woman over 50.  But back to the other hand, if there's one place they can (and should!) make that clear, this is it. 

[aradia22]

I have a random date set for tonight. Basically, I reserved two tickets for this classical musical concert in advance thinking I'd have a date I wanted to take. But I didn't want to take anyone I've gone on a date with or any other prospects and after asking a few friends, I didn't feel like taking any of the others. Classical music is not for everyone. I happened to be talking to a guy from France who's just visiting. I saw he liked classical music and he said yes so there you go. I'm not sure if he's going to show up but I'm not too bothered about it. This is less a date and more of a... I would like a companion to sit through this concert with me kind of thing.

Quote

WEll that's just same as calling me an idiot -- but I think at this juncture it would be ideal and most amicable if we agreed that you're not really interested in meeting/talking further with me at this point in your life and leave it at that. Take care

Speaking of the whole being too pushy thing... This was a response from a guy I haven't brought up before. It was a very basic conversation. I was going to make plans with him for this weekend but then with Chinese New Year, I wasn't sure of my schedule so I told him we should try for another time. I got this in response. Way too much, guy. I know we're all dealing with our own stuff but there were some massive leaps to that conclusion. I guess in the grand scheme of things, at least it was more or less polite? But it seems kind of unstable.

[aradia22]

He didn't show up... I kind of got the feeling it would happen. He messaged 5 hours afterwards (the concert started at 8, he messaged a little after 1am) saying he received my message too late and a friend invited him to a party. Which is weird because I told him all the details on Thursday and he said yes and I was just checking in tonight when he wasn't there. So... given that I wasn't into him and he doesn't even live here do I owe him an explanation or can I just block him now? 

Edited January 29, 2017 by aradia22

[JTMacc99]

Block him and move on. 

[JTMacc99]

Quote

Last Saturday night, two martinis in this time, I discover that Bumble says I have matches outside of my search area

So in the two weeks since I turned on Bumble to look around, there have been a half dozen age appropriate NYC women who set their search radius wide enough up to pick up the boondocks, found and swiped right on me. The whole lot of them appear to have their shit together and appear to be women who would not need me in their life, but would probably appreciate having me in it. I'm basing this on limited information, but I've got a couple Columbia grads, a Harvard Business School, a SVP of Marketing, and lots of words that basically say they're in good places in their lives.

It's kind of cool to see this. I've got a bit of a thing for Frodos, meaning show me someone carrying some sort of terrible burden, and I drop everything and voluntarily walk right into the fires of Mount Doom with them without even thinking about it. Sometimes my Frodo is also a pretty girl, and that's when it gets messy for me. So knowing that I have options, really great options, that are strong, independent AND interested in me? It's kind of a good thing.

And while it's pretty impractical for me to get together with someone from Manhattan, I am enjoying the conversation I started with one of them. 

[DeLurker]

Just check and make sure they don't have Hobbit feet underneath that pretty face!

[theredhead77]

Tell me more about this Bumble. I'm having no luck on OKC or Tinder and I could use another app to have no luck on.

[KnoxForPres]

On 1/29/2017 at 11:42 AM, stewedsquash said:

@KnoxForPres  I took your post to mean, re ego: go for what you want, since you know and are clear on what you want and don't zero in on the nit picking stuff, when what you want doesn't show up, just move on to the next person. And that is great advice, especially when you are making this a search, with boundaries and parameters and not just letting it happen organically. Not sure if that is what you meant, but that is what I took away from it.

*Not a specific you in the above pot, just general, inclusive you, in the thoughts above.

Yeah and I regret how I worded it but yes. And I also removed it because I see it came off as hurtful though that was not my intent. 

It's hard in general. But I can speak from experience. I have a high ego too and the best thing I ever did was reign it in a bit and fell in love with the nicest, most kind, amazing guy who may use "your" wrong but damn he is amazing  in limitless ways. 

[KnoxForPres]

On 1/29/2017 at 7:23 PM, JTMacc99 said:

So in the two weeks since I turned on Bumble to look around, there have been a half dozen age appropriate NYC women who set their search radius wide enough up to pick up the boondocks, found and swiped right on me. The whole lot of them appear to have their shit together and appear to be women who would not need me in their life, but would probably appreciate having me in it. I'm basing this on limited information, but I've got a couple Columbia grads, a Harvard Business School, a SVP of Marketing, and lots of words that basically say they're in good places in their lives.

It's kind of cool to see this. I've got a bit of a thing for Frodos, meaning show me someone carrying some sort of terrible burden, and I drop everything and voluntarily walk right into the fires of Mount Doom with them without even thinking about it. Sometimes my Frodo is also a pretty girl, and that's when it gets messy for me. So knowing that I have options, really great options, that are strong, independent AND interested in me? It's kind of a good thing.

And while it's pretty impractical for me to get together with someone from Manhattan, I am enjoying the conversation I started with one of them. 

Why does it matter that they're Ivy League?  If it's that big can't you get some alma mater thing going?  You mention it enough clearly that matters. I assume you are and there would be some great networking sites,  no?

[ratgirlagogo]

On 1/29/2017 at 11:31 PM, DeLurker said:

Just check and make sure they don't have Hobbit feet underneath that pretty face!

Hey! I resemble that remark!  Mr Rat always calls me hobbit feet since my feet are short, wide, misshapen (multiple broken bones over many years, uggh, don't ask, and intermittent arthritis flareups) and a little hairy on top.  And I am of course a Goddess! (if you're not Quentin Tarrentino or Eddie Murphy I guess - hell, EVEN IF YOU ARE).

[JTMacc99]

10 hours ago, KnoxForPres said:

Why does it matter that they're Ivy League?  If it's that big can't you get some alma mater thing going?  You mention it enough clearly that matters. I assume you are and there would be some great networking sites,  no?

It doesn't matter at all. Like I said to @theredhead77 earlier that was just my short Bumble way of determining they're smart and possibly have their shit together.  It also builds of a quick joke I made to a friend about setting my standards impossibly high so that I virtually assured myself no matches.

Bumble doesn't give you a lot of words. It grabs your first name, age, job and school from Facebook. That information flashes up with your lead photo and can get you swiped left without doing a deeper dive into up to 6 photos and a couple hundred words. (Which is why college comes into play in my Bumble joke, you sit there swiping no, no, no, Medical Professional from Yale? Well maybe...)

In Bumble you do the same swipe / match exercise as Tinder with a big difference. If you match, the woman has 24 hours to say hi.  If she chooses not to, the connection expires.  

ETA: And again, I'm kind of struggling with this stuff anyway. It's why I tried to set my standards impossibly high. And then when I STILL drew interest, it made me feel really good about myself. Sometimes I tell myself it's okay to go look around, maybe make some connections as long as I'm up front with the fact I have work to finish in my own home. And sometimes I tell myself it's not okay, and I should really be protecting everybody from my situation. And then I volley that one back over the net with a "the world doesn't need your protection buddy." And back and forth it goes.

Edited January 31, 2017 by JTMacc99

[DeLurker]

14 hours ago, KnoxForPres said:

I have a high ego too and the best thing I ever did was reign it in a bit and fell in love with the nicest, most kind, amazing guy who may use "your" wrong but damn he is amazing  in limitless ways. 

Is this a current guy?

[KnoxForPres]

On 1/31/2017 at 1:40 PM, DeLurker said:

Is this a current guy?

Yep- he's a current!  

Gotcha JTMacc99. That makes sense. I have a very odd attraction to Princeton so please keep your eyes open for that one :)  

An odd enough obsessionwhen we went to NYC for my moms 70th birthday and I was asked what I wanted to do I said "I don't care as long as we go to Princeton"  haha. Thankfully they obliged and it exceeded my expectations!

To continue starting paragraphs with random sentences I've started listening to old Charlie Rose interviews while working. I've heard so many they run together but I think it was Anthony Hopkins who said (paraphrasing) - this is our one shot and I'm going to enjoy it, damn it. It resonated with me and I say that to encourage not letting the "what ifs" stop you from seeking companionship and looking around.  If we all waited for the "perfect time" who knows when that would be!  And damn right it should make you feel good when great prospects show interest-it deserves an audible hell yeah!

[JTMacc99]

Agreed!  Great advice. I have non-concrete plans to talk with someone tonight. First time I've had one of these phone calls in a loooooong time. So if it happens, let's hope I don't f it up. 

I could go all Ralph Wiggum, "So. Do you like... stuff?" But if I go wrong it will more likely be by running my mouth too much. 

[DeLurker]

48 minutes ago, JTMacc99 said:

I have non-concrete plans to talk with someone tonight. First time I've had one of these phone calls in a loooooong time.

I think you'll do fine.

[JTMacc99]

44 minutes ago, DeLurker said:

I think you'll do fine.

Awesomely life threw me a bone tonight. I didn't hear from her, but while I was waiting I stumbled across someone who went to the same school I did, and we have a common Facebook friend. I swiped right, and ping! Match. Just had a great bunch of texts. At the very least, this looks like that easy breezy cup of coffee type of thing in my future. Or not. But it's still interesting for me right now. 

[aradia22]

I realized I didn't give him a name. Let's call him... Mr. Shorter in Person. We have a date this Saturday. It's at the museum, which is not my favorite spot because I get distracted but hopefully it'll go well. I told him I might be more focused on one of the exhibits and he said it was fine. We've been chatting a tiny bit. It's been a bit weird because his grandma is sick and I've never been the best at offering condolences and it also seems soon in the relationship to be talking about it so much.

I also have a date for next Saturday with someone new at another museum but I'm not as concerned because I'm going to see that person more than I'm going to see any particular exhibit. I don't have any expectations, we've only been chatting for a bit. He seems a little nerdy but that's one of my types. I sent him a longer than usual message on a whim and he actually answered. I don't have much of a read on him but I think that's kind of good because I can form my first impressions from the date. He does seem a little busy for me because he's going to school right now. But that's something to worry about later.

[aradia22]

Does anyone know if there's a meme or blog/tumblr that has something to do with all the guys on okc who describe themselves as "easy going" or "laid back"? Or can it at least be traced back to some column giving advice on how to write a good profile? I refuse to believe everyone just happens to be using the same words over and over. 

[aradia22]

I've been doing a lot of swiping tonight. I came across a guy who's 100% not the ages he's claiming to be. What do I mean? First I saw the one profile where he said he was 27. Then I saw the second one where he says he's 29. I'm thinking it's more like 40-something. Shady... 

[theredhead77]

On 2/1/2017 at 4:15 PM, JTMacc99 said:

Agreed!  Great advice. I have non-concrete plans to talk with someone tonight. First time I've had one of these phone calls in a loooooong time. So if it happens, let's hope I don't f it up. 

I could go all Ralph Wiggum, "So. Do you like... stuff?" But if I go wrong it will more likely be by running my mouth too much. 

 

On 2/1/2017 at 5:04 PM, DeLurker said:

I think you'll do fine.

I did see she didn't call but a tip is to not talk for 2 solid hours.

Story time: a couple years ago I matched with a guy. He seemed cool, had a lot in common and he asked for my number. Sweet. We set up a time for him to call and he calls. After the hellos, the first thing out of his mouth was "so funny thing happened today..." and he proceeded to talk, non-stop for 2 hours. I kept trying to get a word in and couldn't. I was contemplating hanging up on him. He finally stops talking and asks how I feel about Facebook. I know I tuned out but that was a non-sequitur. I answered and he started talking again. I was able to cut him off and he asked if I wanted to meet for coffee. Stupid me said sure. We set up a date and I hung up. 2.5 hours later. OMG.  I suppose I thought he would be normal on the date. But I found myself ignoring his calls and postponed the date. I realize I just need to tell him I'm not interested.  So I sent him a message that while he seemed very nice, the fact that he talked for 2 solid hours and didn't ask me one question was a huge turn off and I wasn't interested in going out or communicating again. I hope the bluntness helped him in the future.

[JTMacc99]

6 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

I did see she didn't call but a tip is to not talk for 2 solid hours.

We eventually did talk. She's a really interesting person. We shared our views on dating at our ages and what each of us is hoping to find. For her, it was life is pretty good, and she is hoping to bring somebody in who makes it better not worse or more complicated. I made sure to tell her the important things about me and a quick story to give a sense of what makes me tick. It was a nice conversation. We started, and eventually finished with, the completely impractical distance between where we live, and made plans to get together to meet if and when either of us is going to actually be in the other one's area. As she said, it's a marathon not a sprint, so who knows where life might take us. 

So pretty much what I expected from that connection. No doors closed, but not a realistic immediate connection either. 

Texted some more later with the new one. I like the way we think together already. Could get together as early as this weekend. We'll see how that goes. 

[KnoxForPres]

On 2/2/2017 at 3:29 PM, stewedsquash said:

@KnoxForPres Well since I now know you went off and fell in love, I can move beyond wondering if your dog has adapted to the move to the new home, or if it still barks at everyone walking by. It  was interesting hearing about your move and dating stuff over in the ChitChat thread and then poof. haha

Not that you owe an explanation, don't want to be like a Seinfeld mother character. haha

Aww- thanks for asking about her!

Knox the dog has  thrived here.  No more barking as she's now oblivious to the walkers, runners,  and bikers etc. it's been a great move  for both of us and appreciate you wondering!  

Yay @JTMacc99!  I love it when there are good texts and I hope you all get a chance to meet up this weekend!  And probably am not alone in that details would be lovely if you do. 

I thought of you today. I'm good friends with a guy who's early 40s and divorced. His reasons aren't exactly like yours but time,. financials etc have kind of kept him from the dating pool. 

He has been a bit down lately (as we all get) and I told him he should explore dating again. I said if nothing else texting or a phone call with even a moderate potential can really help the blues. He agreed and said and he would and I can "hear" in your responses that excitement I hope he finds soon. 

[aradia22]

Filtered messages. Here were go again...

Quote

Wow you really have a cute face and a lovely smile, I'm sure you hear that everyday, I like your profile and would love to have you as my sugar baby if you don't mind. All I Want is trust and attention and I promise to spend on you and take good care of you. I'm a busy man, new on the site and seldom come online here. So pls text me (number redacted)

[ratgirlagogo]

14 hours ago, aradia22 said:

I promise to spend on you and take good care of you

Be sure to tell him you're going to be needing more than $400 a week.:)

[DeLurker]

16 hours ago, aradia22 said:

would love to have you as my sugar baby

Wow...call me old fashioned but in my day a wealthy older guy looking for the PYT had to take out his boat and cruise to a dockside watering holes (South Florida) or go carousing on South Beach.  It provided a time honored tradition of public humiliation when a man who thought he was all that got shot down by girls who looked the part. And better still, to see the one-ups-manship of old geezers* talking about their expensive toys.

*"old" being relative because when I was 22, 35+ was ancient.

No excuse me while I go yell at those damn kids to get off my lawn.

[JTMacc99]

2 hours ago, DeLurker said:

*"old" being relative because when I was 22, 35+ was ancient.

I tell my 28 year-old friend at work stories that start with, "When I was your age..." all the time. 

No news from me. Keeping the dialogue open while my new friend is recovering from a cold. Conversations still snappy and easy. Fingers still crossed. 

[aradia22]

Second date with Mr. Shorter in Person. I knew the museum was a bad idea. But I really wanted to check out that exhibit. We got through the exhibit I wanted to see pretty quickly. And then there was just a lot of wandering and walking. The thing is, I've gone on museum dates before and while they haven't been the best, they usually spark conversations. Mr. Shorter in Person didn't seem that critical or thoughtful about anything. Which is fine if that's not his thing. But it made things a little awkward because we couldn't really walk around and appreciate the art. I still found him a little pushy about my life and what I want to pursue but I get it more now because from what he's told me, I feel like he's a kind of self-help, motivated kind of guy. Though along with that, I feel like I came across a little SJW-y and negative to him. I didn't say anything to him I wouldn't have said to anyone else. Actually, I feel like I was making an effort to be honest and to be myself. I'm not an angry person but I enjoy being critical (as in critiquing, not tearing down) media and I do my best to be culturally sensitive and aware of current events. He called me "bitter" a few times. I don't know. There was just some awkwardness which magnified my awkwardness because I felt like I had to justify myself. Other things came up. But again, I wanted to be myself so I pushed back a little. On the whole we had a nice, polite conversation aside from those road bumps of possible incompatibility. We're both talkative types so there was no hesitation.

I spent the museum part of the date thinking about his height. Not the whole time, but I mean I was thinking about the things I thought might be issues that I told you about after the first date. He's definitely my height. Maybe an inch taller but it's doubtful. I'm just never going to be as attracted to him as I would be to a taller guy. That's just me. I like feeling a little small. But I was thinking, I could definitely get past this. I was mostly focused on whether our personalities are majorly incompatible or if it's just the general awkwardness of getting to know someone at first and testing boundaries. We went to a cafe afterwards. The conversation wandered a little. Maybe we just need to talk about nice neutral things like books and movies and music. 

The big issue for me was the goodbye kiss. The hello kiss was fine. It was normal. Our lips were actually aligned this time. The goodbye kiss was as terrible as the first time. And again it was like 4 kisses as I tried to get it right. The last two times I actually asked him if I could kiss him and "take the lead." That was my big plan for teaching him what I wanted. But, no. It was like 2 seconds of a nice, soft kiss and then he stuck his tongue in my mouth and slobbered all over my face again. I don't know where to go from here. For all his faults, Mr. Makeout knew how to kiss. Mr. Quiet Smile knew how to kiss. There was no work for me to do. And it made me realize I wasn't crazy when someone kissed me before and I hated it. This is a major dealbreaker for me. He wants to see me again. I kind of want to see him too. But I don't know how to fix this. If it's not clear, I don't have a ton of experience but now I have enough to know that it's not just me not liking physical contact. How do I get him to kiss me the way I want him to?

[theredhead77]

Received a message (not filtered) from someone Wed. We had a lot in common and messaged for a few minutes Wed night. I signed off and told him to hit me up tomorrow (Thurs) so we could chat more. His response was his phone number and name. That's it.  I was put off by that and didn't go online Thurs. Fri afternoon he messaged me "hello". I had a crazy day and wasn't feeling great Thurs or Fri. I messaged him when I got home Fri, apologizing for not responding Thurs, explained that I wasn't feeling well and preferred to chat a little more to build a base before moving to the phone.  Response at 5am today was "scam, probably... nice try buddy LMAO".

Seriously dude? I get the need for timely responses and not being in it for pen-pals but dude. Seriously. People have lives. And perhaps something a bit more eloquent instead of a phone number and name, putting it completely in my court, would have gotten a different response.  I responded back that had he not been so presumptuous assuming I was a scam and showed a wee bit of compassion hope you feel better soon we would have connected via phone this weekend. I ended it by thanking him for showing his presumptuous, controlling, manipulative tendencies right way and for saving me time.

[JTMacc99]

9 hours ago, aradia22 said:

How do I get him to kiss me the way I want him to?

I've got nothing. Instead to see if anyone has a suggestion. And you've got a good list of pros and cons going right now, so if you can't get this to turn, I can see how it's a deal breaker. 

And just ew @theredhead77