Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[KnoxForPres]

12 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

Yes, I agree that she needs to drop things with Work Friend. But I'm resistant to gendered readings. I've become the type of person to go after what I want out of frustration. I dipped a toe in the water by asking out my prom date (maybe I'll tell you the story one day) and after college I just jumped into online dating. But for the non-proactive types I think there are both passive male and female behaviors. The big one for guys is the "nice guy." Hang around, be friends, do favors, be supportive... and hope to eventually be rewarded. The female equivalent is pretty similar. Dress in a cute way, flirt a little, be available, basically just provide an opportunity for them to ask you out. Either way it boils down to not being brave enough to just come out and say what you want. I think at the point when someone is telling you about a significant other, you need to accept that as a "no" answer and move on even if it's not what you want to hear. 

This was more of a high school thing but the guys who were keeping their options open were the ones who would flirt and spend time with you... and never tell you they had a girlfriend. 

I agree!   When I was younger there was this smoking hot guy I would see around town. Well- one night I saw some of his friends and they asked if I wanted to go to a party. Yes, please! I sauntered up to that guy I had visually stalked for a year and said "you don't know this- but you're going to date me". We dated for 2 years and it was wonderful. So yeah- by all means we can go after what we want. But in the friend scenario I just don't think the timing looks right. 

Shit to this day if I thought it was a good thing I'd strongly go for it. (I'm in a relationship but if I wasn't- disclaimer). Life is way too short not to!  

[ExplainItAgain]

Thanks @KnoxForPres, @DeLurker and @aradia22. This isn't the situation exactly, but to shed some more light on this, let's go with this: work friend is actually my language tutor. I pay him 2x a week for 1/2 hour. He routinely gives me extra time (usually an hour, sometimes more), then we spend extra time just chatting. This is what I meant by he's not technically my colleague and we don't really work together. I pay him for this service. For awhile, a friend of mine was insisting that he wasn't giving me extra time just to be nice and that he was teasing/flirting by texting me outside of the lessons (about our rival sports teams). For awhile I believed her (because I wanted it to be true). I thought maybe he wouldn't do anything because of the situation (he's an independent contractor and maybe wouldn't want to be unprofessional with his company). But in the last week I've talked to several of my friends and coworkers (and even a stranger at the bar!) about the situation. (And, I suppose, you internet strangers!). He *is* casually dating a girl and told me about it during a lesson. I should have taken this as a hint. I just have a mad crush and have a hard time letting it go, but I think this situation is dead in the water. I sure wish it wasn't because it's easier to find a new language tutor than a guy, LOL.

Anyway...

[aradia22]

Oh, no no no. You are never really friends with someone you're paying to spend time with you (tutor, personal trainer, voice teacher, therapist). You can be friendly, sure but you always need to remain aware that part of their job is to be nice to you, particularly when it's a job that requires you to keep coming back. 

What's the saying? The best way to get over a guy is to get under another? I don't think you have to go that far but the best way to remind yourself that this is something you've built up in your head is to be in a real relationship. Fantasies are fun. And so are fake friendships which is why I treat some of these transactions like therapy sessions (hey, they cost about as much). But the real thing is ultimately so much more worthwhile.

I feel like I'm lecturing so I'll confess something of my own. I still think about Mr. Makeout a lot. No, I would never want to give it another shot. He didn't make me feel valued and I don't think we really liked each other as people that much. But he did turn me on. Fantasies are fine if you don't let them intrude on your real life.

[ZaldamoWilder]

@ExplainItAgain

You guys have a sweet rapport.  But confirming/accepting that he's with somebody, how do you get over a crush if you "have" to sit next to him twice a week?

Do you feel as though any energy spent on him is affecting your potential/opportunity with a new guy?

[ExplainItAgain]

40 minutes ago, ZaldamoWilder said:

@ExplainItAgain

You guys have a sweet rapport.  But confirming/accepting that he's with somebody, how do you get over a crush if you "have" to sit next to him twice a week?

Do you feel as though any energy spent on him is affecting your potential/opportunity with a new guy?

Maybe. I'm still doing the online dating thing, but I definitely compare in my head to the tutor. But I know it's unfair because I don't have the advantage of knowing them as well as my tutor.

I will keep going to my tutor - I can be professional. I have never and would never overtly flirt or say anything to make it uncomfortable. Once I decide nothing's going to happen (i.e. NOW. Lesson tonight), I'll probably start to notice things about him that I don't even like, haha. That has definitely happened before.

Thanks for listening to my ridiculous thoughts folks :)

[ZaldamoWilder]

Ok, I see. 

I don't think they're ridiculous.    I think it's challenging but it sounds like you're prepared for it.   Sending good luck vibes ~~  :)

[KnoxForPres]

2 hours ago, ExplainItAgain said:

Maybe. I'm still doing the online dating thing, but I definitely compare in my head to the tutor. But I know it's unfair because I don't have the advantage of knowing them as well as my tutor.

I will keep going to my tutor - I can be professional. I have never and would never overtly flirt or say anything to make it uncomfortable. Once I decide nothing's going to happen (i.e. NOW. Lesson tonight), I'll probably start to notice things about him that I don't even like, haha. That has definitely happened before.

Thanks for listening to my ridiculous thoughts folks :)

Not ridiculous at all. Though I'm further intrigued now I know the dynamic. That extra time, texts etc would probably have me thinking like you do (especially if I liked him!)

No relevance- -I envisioned Selma Blair and her music teacher in Cruel Intentions while reading how you know him. 

On topic- may I pry and and ask how he managed to say he's causally dating someone?  I doubt it was "haha- that's pluperfect tense and I'm dating someone". I'm genuinely interested because by George I want to know more. In my mind you worked at same corporation- different departments and my dear, this does change things. Indeed he may be interested but yes- he's gotta keep it on the up and up due to circumstances. 

[ExplainItAgain]

Haha @KnoxForPres, don't give me any ideas. I'm trying to get over this crush, remember?! Tonight, I stayed after our time slot for about an hour and fifteen minutes, about half that time on lessons, the other half just chatting. Conversation comes extremely natural. I ask a lot of questions, so one day when he showed me a text that came through all messed up with crazy characters, I was nosy and asked who sent it. He said "a girl I've been dating." I asked how long they'd been dating and he told me only a few dates and that it was *very* casual. Thinking about it like this, that he purposely showed me the text, just makes me think he wanted me to know. Whether because he sensed that maybe I was interested or was just showing off in a way, eh, doesn't matter. I like that he asks questions about me and seems interested in my life. But, likely, it's just that he's being very friendly and trying to keep me as a client. Although we tease each other and banter back and forth, if I'm honest, he has never said or done anything outright flirty. So, he tells me he's dating someone + has not made any indication of interest = dead in the water.

To bring this back around to online dating, I haven't heard from Mr. Maryland in about 3 days. Hopefully it's due to his out-of-town guests....

[theredhead77]

On 10/22/2016 at 9:26 AM, theredhead77 said:

"getting divorced, home separation until the lease is up"

me - expecting lease is up in a couple months. Nope, over a year until said lease is up. Pass!

Also, I don't date people who are separated.

He pressed and I told him he could feel free to reach out when they are no longer cohabiting and has legal separation papers with a divorce court date.. Cohabitation w/ no papers, even if she is [supposedly] seeing someone else is potential for way too much drama and also means he's legally married. Nope!

Too many red flags. 

[possibilities]

Re the "tutor": the two of you can't date as long as you're a client. If your business relationship has an end date, maybe you can tell him at that point (i.e. when the business arrangement is over) that you had fun working with him and if he's ever single, to give you a call. But as long as you're paying him, a personal relationship is off the table.

[ExplainItAgain]

5 hours ago, possibilities said:

Re the "tutor": the two of you can't date as long as you're a client. If your business relationship has an end date, maybe you can tell him at that point (i.e. when the business arrangement is over) that you had fun working with him and if he's ever single, to give you a call. But as long as you're paying him, a personal relationship is off the table.

You're right, you're right, I know you're right. //When Harry Met Sally

[DeLurker]

@ExplainItAgain - There's a certain satisfaction in knowing someone is interested/attracted to you.  It doesn't have to lead to anything, it just "is".  When I was working in a cubefarm, the department I worked in was intermeshed with several others that were all part of the same division.  This guy who easily checked off every box in my Boy Wish List worked there too, but in another department and we never had any reason to interact.  But shortly after I started, he would come over to chat with one of his friend's who sat in my general area.  I would try so hard not to turn around, but I could just feel his presence.  Anyway, eventually I would find some excuse to turn around, we'd make eye contact and then I would return to my work and he would go back to his part of the office (across the hall).  This happened every freaking day for probably close to a year, even when he started dating a woman who sat near me but worked in a different division.

It was some odd game we played, but we never escalated it.  I was living with someone who I eventually married this whole time which is why I never moved things forward.  But it was somehow rewarding.

Or just use an old standby when he does or says something particularly interesting:  You are so funny! Do you have a brother?

[KnoxForPres]

On 10/26/2016 at 2:12 PM, DeLurker said:

@ExplainItAgain - There's a certain satisfaction in knowing someone is interested/attracted to you.  It doesn't have to lead to anything, it just "is".  When I was working in a cubefarm, the department I worked in was intermeshed with several others that were all part of the same division.  This guy who easily checked off every box in my Boy Wish List worked there too, but in another department and we never had any reason to interact.  But shortly after I started, he would come over to chat with one of his friend's who sat in my general area.  I would try so hard not to turn around, but I could just feel his presence.  Anyway, eventually I would find some excuse to turn around, we'd make eye contact and then I would return to my work and he would go back to his part of the office (across the hall).  This happened every freaking day for probably close to a year, even when he started dating a woman who sat near me but worked in a different division.

It was some odd game we played, but we never escalated it.  I was living with someone who I eventually married this whole time which is why I never moved things forward.  But it was somehow rewarding.

Or just use an old standby when he does or says something particularly interesting:  You are so funny! Do you have a brother?

Sorry guys. I'm learning here. I'm trying not to quote Delurker but think I am. (#beenheretoolingtobesodumb)

@Explainitagain I know, sister. I'm the one encouraging it here and shouldn't. You've given nice evidence to the contrary but I still can't stop,  but yet....

[ExplainItAgain]

Finally heard back from Maryland and he's been sick. Acceptable. Not acceptable that he hasn't asked to meet yet, but I'll give him a pass for now.

So, I just joined OKC. Holy crap. So confusing at first. I have to say, I think the pool is larger, which makes sense since it's free. I do see a few of the same people from Match though. It seems MUCH more casual than Match - the messages are much shorter and more to the point. I just don't know if I can get down with people that just write "hey." I need a little more than that. Already gotten a few guys WAY out of my age range (happened a lot on Match too).

These questions you answer are quite personal! I skipped a lot of them because some of the answers were so black and white I couldn't pick one.

[theredhead77]

I don't respond to anyone who doesn't put some sort of effort into their first message. It can be short and sweet but show me you read my profile (I do the same) instead of throwing a net and seeing what bites. Sometimes I'll throw a line "mention [a random word]" into one of the sections, just to make it easy.

[aradia22]

@ExplainItAgain Yes, you have to make allowances since while you can pay for certain tiers and features, anyone can use okc for free. If you're really opposed to "Hey" you can filter messages out that contain 3 words or less. When I first joined I answered most of the questions. Can you tell I like people asking my opinion? But recently I started from scratch and started answering the questions I thought were relevant to what I would want or want to know about a possible match. I feel like that's a good way to go about it. Also, you can answer privately if you want.

Cafe date tomorrow. Will let you know how it goes.

[Lantern7]

I was talking to somebody via OKCupid, but I think she lost interest. Now I come to a crossroads: do I pay for better access? And if I do, how long do I pay for? There's always the fear that I'd pay for six months and find my soulmate within two weeks, even though the odds of that happening are remote.

[ExplainItAgain]

Within the first 24 hours I have well over 150 messages. Overwhelming! There's a much higher ratio of let's hook up messages on here than there was on match. Also...I got a message from someone I went to high school with who claims he had a big crush on me.

I've only answered about 100 questions. They seem to go on endlessly. I'm with you @theredhead77, you need to show me you've at least read my profile. Make at least a little effort. I need to set aside like an hour today and go through everything. Online dating is like a second job.

[aradia22]

Ooh, do you have any intention of following up with the guy from high school?

I would treat the questions like a game. Don't answer the ones that aren't really relevant (if you don't want silly questions counted towards your percentage, don't answer them) but be casual about it. You don't have to obsess. If you answer a few when you're bored you'll be surprised at how quickly you end up answering questions.

[ExplainItAgain]

I don't think so @aradia22. He's not really my type. He also sent me a friend request on FB.

So far I've tried to message two people whose inboxes were full...come on people!

[theredhead77]

If their in-box is full they probably aren't active. You can sort or filter by recently active. I found a lot of the seeming normal men were fake profiles set up by OKC (and eHarmony) .

Learn how to search their images online (to make sure they are legit) and how to utilize Google to check their profiles across multiple dating sites.

[aradia22]

@ExplainItAgain How does that work? Did you get a message that their inbox was full? That's never happened to me. 

Anyway, I'm tired now but I think the coffee date went relatively well. It was a solidly average interaction with a stranger. I shall call him Dr. Giggles. He'd picked a place out of the way and the trains were crazy today so I got there late but he was really nice about it. He's in medical school and since that used to be/kind of is still my world we talked about that quite a bit but also the general getting to know you topics. I led as usual but he held up his end OK. Certainly not to the point that it annoyed me like with other guys. He's tall and sort of cute. It wasn't a coup de foudre but I'm also not not attracted to him. Again, I think it was a perfectly fine first date. I'm calling him Dr. Giggles because I think he's a little bit socially awkward. He has a little bit of a weird laugh and was a little fidgety and didn't always make eye contact. But not to an excessive degree. Again, with my experience the fact that this the worst criticism I can come up with is pretty good. Aside from that, I don't think we have a ton in common. I wouldn't rule out seeing him again but I just get the sense we'd have the kind of relationship where we supported each other in our separate endeavors instead of really sharing interests, aside from going on dates. The non-monogamy thing didn't really come up.

[DeLurker]

10 hours ago, aradia22 said:

coup de foudre

I had to go Google that - I learned something new!

[aradia22]

I texted Dr. Giggles because eff "rules." He texted back pretty quickly. We might do something the week after next. Of course I'll keep you posted.

Edited: Changed my mind and decided to go on a friend date tomorrow instead. I was able to make plans for something that I think is too risque for the guy I had in mind. He seems conservative and to borrow a page from UnReal, like he's looking for a "wifey." Instead, we're going to reschedule to Friday.

Edited November 1, 2016 by aradia22

[aradia22]

Checking in. I ended up spraining my ankle Tuesday night so dates are on hold at the moment. 

[aradia22]

I'm in a mood. It's one of those moods where a wave of body insecurity gets mixed with not a lot of traffic on okc which creates a loop of me not wanting to initiate conversations on okc. And I know it's all ridiculous but that doesn't help me right now.

[roseslg]

Good to step away for a week or two @aradia22.  It's sort of like when you go shopping and you cant find anything you like and when you do try things on, you feel they highlight all the flaws.  You will live to shop another day.

[aradia22]

OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS. The universe has an amazing sense of humor sometimes. Guess who I saw on my way home, a block or two away from my apartment? Mr. Makeout. He was standing outside talking with this girl on what I assume was her doorstep. It was dark but he definitely saw me because he looked right at me. He's not as cute as I remember him being. I don't know why I find it so hilarious. It's such a sitcom/rom com thing. I can count on one hand the number of times I've run into someone in New York. I didn't talk to him. That would have been weird. But I am highly amused. I wonder if they're dating. What if I see him again? I mean, it's not that likely since I hardly see my own neighbors but it could happen.

[aradia22]

Oh, also Dr. Giggles texted asking me out. I still can't really walk. Thinking up a reply.

[JTMacc99]

I'm watching a couple of 30-something coworkers get together here. She's been divorced for a while, has an I think 8th grade daughter. He's recently separated, has slightly younger children.  He initiated the conversation. They've been texting each other, and I think have set up something to get together outside of work.

Whenever I see them, I just want to scream "DON'T DO IT!" Work can become so uncomfortable if something goes sideways. You would think you can be an adult, but you know, when feelings get involved... You can be an adult, you will be an adult, but jeez it could suck for a long time.

[DeLurker]

Something that hits too close to home is tough to watch.  Tougher to keep your (well, my) mouth shut about too.

[JTMacc99]

8 minutes ago, DeLurker said:

Something that hits too close to home is tough to watch.

Are you suggesting that JTMacc may have some experience in this area?  :)  

While that may be true, there is no way I'm going to get in their way, or even offer an opinion.  I hope it all goes splendidly for them. 

[aradia22]

Anything going on with anyone else? I'm just starting to get over the sprained ankle so all my recent conversations have been nonstarters. I feel like I might end up on another cafe date or two. Very frustrating. I would like to get at least a couple of plays out of this online dating experience. Maybe I've lost my touch. Most of the Asian guys I mentioned before disappeared. I'm stringing one of them along still but I feel like I should cut him loose because I don't think it's going to work. I'm slowly fading due to his dull responses and frequent misspellings. I don't need intensely flirtatious banter (though it would be nice once in a while) but when he leads the conversation it's so damn boring. Again, I'm struggling with that balance between leading someone along when I don't think it's going to work out and giving someone a chance if they feel like they want to stick around.

Also... in new filtered messages...

Quote

Wow :) you're very exotic <3. where have you been all my life? Hehe

NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE. And...

Quote

Hi babe can I ask you a question?

Not if you call me babe. Goodbye now.

[ExplainItAgain]

Y'ALL! This doesn't have to do with online dating, but since I started telling this saga in this thread...

Yesterday morning at my language lesson I asked my tutor what he was doing this weekend and he said he had no plans. Later in the day I was at a bar near his house so I texted him and asked to come have a beer since my friends were leaving. He said OK (!!!), came over and we sat and talked intently for more than 4 hours. The bar could have been on fire and we wouldn't have noticed. PS, he's currently not seeing anyone.

[JTMacc99]

Well...

If you two are going to date, and I'm guessing that a proper date is next up for you two, you'll need sever the professional connection. It won't seem like it will be necessary, but I think enough people here have made the case. 

Other than that, good for you! 

[aradia22]

Warning NSFW. But I think it's an important video so I wanted to share it. It's just a lecture so there's nothing graphic on screen but there's sexual content. I don't know if I've been lucky so far, or it's the vibe I put out, or the guys I tend to attract but consent has never been that much of an issue for me. I've felt safe within my boundaries and like I was in control of how far things were going to go. In general, at least as far as the physical stuff goes I've gone out with fairly polite, respectful guys. The one exception was Mr. Makeout. I've had confusing feelings about it (some of which are recorded here) and I think this video helped clarify some things for me. I don't feel violated. I was attracted to him and I enjoyed some of the physical stuff we were doing. But I always got this sense of boundary pushing from him vs. asking for consent. It was mostly me pulling back when it was going too far and policing his actions. I tried to get around it by voicing what I did want but inevitably something would happen and his hands would wander or something else. 

It's something I've been thinking about lately since seeing him again. And also because we're living in a world where this conversation has somehow gotten more complicated even as people are trying to make it clearer. And at the age I am, I think it's more relevant. I know people can be sexually active at various points of their lives but for whatever reason I feel like was easier when I was younger to go on more innocent dates. Like, the friendly, casual dates you might go on in high school. And yeah, there's a part of me that is interested in that more physical side of things but personally, I need a really strong foundation of trust there (not to mention some level of affection) and that's just not the kind of thing that's going to happen after 3 dates. I think online dating can make the issue worse (or at least equivalent to meeting someone at a bar) because unlike someone who is already in life (work, school, friends, etc.) it's going to take that much longer to get to know them.

[aradia22]

Quote

those dresses you have on in your profile pics couldn't get filled out better with your body, which is to say you have a really nice figure and a cute face btw

BOO

Quote

Happy thanksgiving   
U re a sweet potato and sugar banana at the same time. It ll be my pleasure to meet you. ☕️?

What?

Edited November 27, 2016 by aradia22

[JTMacc99]

On 11/27/2016 at 11:24 AM, aradia22 said:

What?

Oy vey.  

Actually, I was sold on that guy when he went with "U re".  Because I guess UR is short for "your"?  And if that is the case, that means he correctly went with U re in that sentence, which would be short for "you're".

[KnoxForPres]

On 11/20/2016 at 4:36 PM, ExplainItAgain said:

Y'ALL! This doesn't have to do with online dating, but since I started telling this saga in this thread...

Yesterday morning at my language lesson I asked my tutor what he was doing this weekend and he said he had no plans. Later in the day I was at a bar near his house so I texted him and asked to come have a beer since my friends were leaving. He said OK (!!!), came over and we sat and talked intently for more than 4 hours. The bar could have been on fire and we wouldn't have noticed. PS, he's currently not seeing anyone.

So has anything transpired since then?  Sounds like a great time!

[aradia22]

Quote

I've been trying out Tinder. Is it normal that none of your matches text you? And if I were to take the initiative to send the first message, would it be slutty if I texted all of these guys, because I swiped right for a reason and not because I'd put one above the other. I find them all interesting.

I don't find slutty to be a useful word both as a criticism or just as a descriptor. I find it's often misapplied to not even mean "promiscuous." A dress can't be slutty. It can be provocative or revealing but that dress is not going out and having sex with a bunch of people. Putting that aside, I haven't had the energy for it much lately, but no, you should 100% not feel bad about messaging a bunch of different people if you're single. Messaging more people increases the chances that someone will message back and that of the people who message back, you'll like some of them. Online dating is a numbers game. It's not like being out on a date with someone and then starting to flirt with your waiter in the middle of it. 

[ExplainItAgain]

18 hours ago, KnoxForPres said:

So has anything transpired since then?  Sounds like a great time!

Sadly, no. My coworker said the ball is in his court now...but I don't think he wants to play. Still been having extra long lessons, he even asked me to come early twice to get extra time in because he had to rearrange some other people. We still talk way over our time about anything and everything. However, I've texted him a few random times and his replies have been lackluster. (My one friend just thinks I have unrealistic texting expectations but really his replies are so blah. He also hasn't texted me first in awhile except to rearrange lessons.)

I'm feeling very down on it today so I feel like I should give up. Then again, ask me again next week...

[theredhead77]

On 12/1/2016 at 11:27 AM, ExplainItAgain said:

Sadly, no. My coworker said the ball is in his court now...but I don't think he wants to play. Still been having extra long lessons, he even asked me to come early twice to get extra time in because he had to rearrange some other people. We still talk way over our time about anything and everything. However, I've texted him a few random times and his replies have been lackluster. (My one friend just thinks I have unrealistic texting expectations but really his replies are so blah. He also hasn't texted me first in awhile except to rearrange lessons.)

I'm feeling very down on it today so I feel like I should give up. Then again, ask me again next week...

This may sound harsh but if he was in to you he would be making an effort to see you outside of your sessions. Time to let it go and move forward.

On 12/1/2016 at 9:26 AM, nosleepforme said:

I've been trying out Tinder. Is it normal that none of your matches text you? And if I were to take the initiative to send the first message, would it be slutty if I texted all of these guys, because I swiped right for a reason and not because I'd put one above the other. I find them all interesting.

And could I possibly be overthinking this anymore ?

If I match I message. If they match I expect them to message. But I rarely get messages. I started doing something I suspect the men do - swipe right on everyone then review the matches as they come. I don't feel bad about un-matching.

[aradia22]

I'm feeling a little tired for story time tonight but I wanted to check in. I finally went on another date. We shall call him Mr. Accountant though we could also call him Mr. Nice Boy. I'll get to that later. I started talking to Mr. A at the beginning of October. I have been stringing him along for quite some time clearly, partially because of the sprained ankle and partially because this fish wouldn't let go of the hook. I started losing interest a little while ago. His written responses are not very compelling and he keeps making grammatical errors (your/you're... and he uses them interchangeably... it's mildly infuriating) but after such a long commitment on both sides I thought I might as well see it through and at least go on a first date. And besides he wanted to take me to see a show and you know how I feel about shows. It's like a guarantee that no matter how the date goes, I'll get something out of the experience. So we met in the morning (I was super late... we don't need to get into it). We were easily able to get tickets (he paid) and then I offered to take him out for breakfast (I paid). We talked for a bit and then he walked me to my train. In total breakfast and the walk took about an hour but I feel like we had a solid amount of time to talk. It was... very dull small talk. We didn't really find anything to connect on and I don't think he was really offering up anything either. He briefly mentioned being into gaming and something else but he wouldn't talk about those things. He's repeatedly said he wants to travel but he had nothing to really say about travel. There was a lot of that. We met up again at night to see the show. Long story short, we didn't talk that much until after the show when he walked me to the train and then insisted on waiting with me at the platform (in spite of my very obvious hints that I would have liked to wait on my own). He seemed to want to take me to dinner after the show. He mentioned texting me. I don't have high hopes for this going anywhere. In addition to everything else, he's never really been in a relationship or dated someone for that long and I don't think that bodes particularly well. 

OK, so here's why I think he's a "nice boy." I don't do very well with nice boys, I've come to realize. A nice boy is different from a nice guy. Nice guys put up a good front but they're trolls on the inside who have misogynistic tendencies. Nice boys are not terrible people but they're not terribly interesting either. A nice boy is not particularly sweet or kind but he is accommodating. He doesn't complain if you're late. He's polite and likes small talk. He's not really paternalistic or trying to overwhelm you with chivalry but to some extent he tries to play the "gentleman." Maybe he'll bring you a gas station rose or come into the subway and swipe his Metrocard for you even when you tell him he really doesn't have to. The nice boy doesn't expect anything (like sexual favors) from these displays but he also follows his script of what he thinks he should be doing regardless of how you respond. He is not proprietary or possessive but at some point he will express some concern over something minor as though you are not capable of taking care of yourself (one wonders how he imagines you survived long enough to meet him when he acts like this). Somewhere in the middle of all the small talk, you'll realize that while the nice boy may push the conversation forward and ask you questions, he's not telling you that much about himself. Sure, if you ask him a direct question you'll know some details about his life but he doesn't really expand when he answers your questions and tell you anything that meaningful about himself or how he sees the world. A nice boy doesn't offer very meaningful critiques of media. You can't really be sure whether he's not clever enough for it or if he just doesn't want to risk disagreeing with you or offending you. A nice boy will not push you for physical intimacy. (This one is a little complicated. I might have to unpack it more later). A nice boy tolerates your indifference and looks past your signs of disinterest. A nice boy doesn't demand your best or push you. When you talk about what you want for your life or regardless of how you present yourself (clothes, makeup, etc.) a nice boy will not react to less than your best. When it comes to goals or failures or negative life events, a nice boy will offer platitudes about everything working out.

In many ways, a nice boy will seem like a good choice on paper. Even though you have no chemistry and/or you're not attracted to him you will try and convince yourself that it's something wrong with you and that you should want a nice boy. You will be tempted to continue going out with the nice boy because he is so accommodating and wants to pay for things and won't push you for more than bland small talk and pretending to be sort of interested. But you do yourself and the nice boy a disservice by not being strong enough to break things off and allow the both of you to find people with whom you could be truly happy. Because there is someone out there who will appreciate all the things about the nice boy that you do not and there is hopefully someone out there who will see all your flaws and humanity and instead of internally smoothing them over or ignoring them, that person will accept them and sometimes be annoyed by them but they'll ultimately see you as a complete person. 

[JTMacc99]

@aradia22 As you might expect from somebody who occasionally needs to flesh out some ideas and feelings in words, I really appreciated what you have to say here.

There is a very interesting and powerful writer named Amy Ferris. I suggest that everybody, especially women, check her out on and maybe follow her Facebook. One of her things she talks about is kindness. You hit on it when you said "A nice boy is not particularly sweet or kind but he is accommodating." I think this is super insightful. True kindness should be treasured.

And then I love your entire last paragraph.  No, we should never settle just because the other person seems like a good choice on paper.  Yes we do a disservice to stick with a relationship that isn't right.  And hell yes to this: "there is hopefully someone out there who will see all your flaws and humanity and instead of internally smoothing them over or ignoring them, that person will accept them and sometimes be annoyed by them but they'll ultimately see you as a complete person."

I have many friends who found that person. I watched my parents be that person for each other for 50 years. (Well, I didn't see the entire 50 years, but you get the point.) And when I figure out how to extract myself form the situation I got myself into with as much of a win/win as there could possibly be, I will be looking for that person as well.

Of course a song played while I was alone with my thoughts this weekend, and I realized that I'm the King of Wishful Thinking. Take my input with that warning.

Edited December 5, 2016 by JTMacc99

[aradia22]

I went into my filtered messages.

Quote

So here's the catch i never had an Asian friend but i think Asians are dope always dressed nice, know how to have fun and stay away from drama so my friend told me about this site so i joined to make me one . So wanna be friends nd we can lie about where we met lol? Im a really chill dude so dont have to worry its just that im from the bronx not much asians out here unless you go to Chinese restaurant lol

I just... NO.

[aradia22]

Quote

Hey by reading your profile you seem like a nice responsible person, would it be OK if I ask you a quick question? So I really like Asian women but so for I never got any responses from any and I have sent lots of likes, could you tell me of its something with my look that Asian girls are not interested in me or it's something I wrote on the profile or its is because of ethnicity reasons?.

OK, seriously, what is going on?

[possibilities]

"I can't speak for everyone, but I personally don't like being objectified."

[aradia22]

But really, two different guys in two days? This better not be a new trend. I do not have time for this nonsense.

[possibilities]

I didn't catch that it was two different guys. Yikes.

[DeLurker]

Too close & too similar.  Either someone(s) is messing with you or time to by a lottery ticket.