Family Ties: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

[BlueSkies]

The image of my gramps was a guy that didn't like sports at all.  But I remember one day when I was being babysit by him when I was real young he told me he was surprised how the Eagles game ended.  I was surprised!  I just thought he hated sports.  I mean maybe it was Sunday night and he was waiting for 60 Minutes afterwards but still.

 

On a real good note today I got back in contact with a family member I hadn't spoke with in years.  We picked up right where we left on.  I was always a little hesitant to reach out to him because that side of the family was "feuding".  Idk even if thats the case sometimes you just got to form your own mind when it comes to family shit and not be afraid to act on it.  That was the point of my first story as well a little.  If I just listened to what my family said my gramps hated and or refused to watch sports.  

[shapeshifter]

11 hours ago, BlueSkies said:

The image of my gramps was a guy that didn't like sports at all.  But I remember one day when I was being babysit by him when I was real young he told me he was surprised how the Eagles game ended.  I was surprised!  I just thought he hated sports.  I mean maybe it was Sunday night and he was waiting for 60 Minutes afterwards but still.

 

On a real good note today I got back in contact with a family member I hadn't spoke with in years.  We picked up right where we left on.  I was always a little hesitant to reach out to him because that side of the family was "feuding".  Idk even if thats the case sometimes you just got to form your own mind when it comes to family shit and not be afraid to act on it.  That was the point of my first story as well a little.  If I just listened to what my family said my gramps hated and or refused to watch sports.  

Your family seems to be a lot like mine. 😉

[Cloud9Shopper]

I am going to need some nice, civil way to tell my mom to stop complaining when she does it to herself.

She insists on driving herself crazy every Christmas even after insisting for the 500th time that she is going to cut back and only give us adult kids money, and while I don’t know what my other siblings say in response to this, I always tell her that is fine, since I don’t really want to be making Christmas lists at almost 40 years old either. But every year without fail, she will go shopping all over the place (since she also has to get gifts for my stepdad, her sisters, my niece and her son-in-law along with others I am missing), bake cookies and do two or three different giving trees at the church and/or at work. Then the week before Christmas she is stressed out and overwhelmed with how busy she is, and when she snaps at me and says she needs her life to be easier, it takes everything I have to not tell her “Then stop making every Christmas like this!” It’s actually part why I can’t stand Christmas myself because she’ll inevitably get to this point and it makes me not want to be around her until the 26th of December. And then she’ll tell me the holiday shouldn’t stress me out. Well Mom I don’t have a great role model here. She was snapping at me before that I needed to drop something off at church for her tonight, which I assured her I would, and her barking at me when I did nothing to cause her stress made me feel even worse and aggravated too. 

I am so tired of this every holiday. 

 

[BlueSkies]

42 minutes ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

I am going to need some nice, civil way to tell my mom to stop complaining when she does it to herself.

She insists on driving herself crazy every Christmas even after insisting for the 500th time that she is going to cut back and only give us adult kids money, and while I don’t know what my other siblings say in response to this, I always tell her that is fine, since I don’t really want to be making Christmas lists at almost 40 years old either. But every year without fail, she will go shopping all over the place (since she also has to get gifts for my stepdad, her sisters, my niece and her son-in-law along with others I am missing), bake cookies and do two or three different giving trees at the church and/or at work. Then the week before Christmas she is stressed out and overwhelmed with how busy she is, and when she snaps at me and says she needs her life to be easier, it takes everything I have to not tell her “Then stop making every Christmas like this!” It’s actually part why I can’t stand Christmas myself because she’ll inevitably get to this point and it makes me not want to be around her until the 26th of December. And then she’ll tell me the holiday shouldn’t stress me out. Well Mom I don’t have a great role model here. She was snapping at me before that I needed to drop something off at church for her tonight, which I assured her I would, and her barking at me when I did nothing to cause her stress made me feel even worse and aggravated too. 

I am so tired of this every holiday. 

 

My mom and her sister are like that.  Always say how this is the last time they are gonna go overboard with Christmas and spending and what not.  But they never do! 

[BlueSkies]

I had to just listen to a vent from my mom about my Dad's side of the family and preparing for them.  To be fair I mean she had some legit points.  I figured she meeds to get some stuff off her chest.

 

But then I suggested you know sometimes your family can make me uncomfortable as well.  To which she replied Well I mean they don't actually mean too.

 

2 things from this:

 

Whether it's a singer, athlete, or family members you will always see people you love in the best light available and people you dont in the worst light available.  While to me my mom's vent about my dad's family had some legitimacy I keep that in the back of my mind as well.

 

 

And like I was saying from a post earlier I am old enough in this point in the game to form my own opinion on all this family manure.  

[Mindthinkr]

I have good news. My daughter’s ex still hasn’t decided whether or not he’s going to see his 3 children (when or not). So my daughter invited me to come up Christmas Day, have dinner with them (depending on him maybe the kids) and stay overnight. Gratefully a neighbor has offered to feed my cats so I can go. I’m tired of him holding up her plans and am glad she has chosen to be proactive and decide what she wants to do. I look forward to the time with her and hopefully some of the kids. (He’s not a great guy anymore. He has a favorite child and doesn’t care about leaving the other two out 😢) Otherwise I would have been home alone. 

[Yogisbooboo64]

Moved to Grief forum....

Edited December 18, 2023 by Yogisbooboo64

[shapeshifter]

3 hours ago, Yogisbooboo64 said:

It has been a minute since I've posted in this folder.  So much has happened and I'm still in a state of shock.

My mother was a fiercely independent woman; stubborn, with a great smile, lover of The Spinners, potato chips and the original Star Trek series….she also never saw a well-kept beard she didn’t like!

On her own, she raised and grew up with the three of us in the tough Raymond Rosen projects, working for the City of Philadelphia as a File Clerk for 35 years.  She was so skilled with patient files that she was nicknamed ‘Ms. Proficiency’ most of her career; all it took was seeing a patient arrive at the health center for their appointment and she could immediately recite their file number.  I’d like to think she’d still be working if not for Multiple Sclerosis cruelly taking away her ability to memorize and her most favorite passion, walking.

Was she an angel?  Hell no!!  Ma had a mean streak just like her daddy; after she and my father had long broken up and I had done something she didn’t like, she would call me Thomasina.  That name was never a compliment, for my father Thomas was an alcoholic and barely there for us.  When she was at her angriest, she would say she hated me.  Being extremely sensitive to begin with, that was always crushing to what little confidence I had.

In 2003, Ma was diagnosed with MS.  Slowly, it took her mobility; first, the right foot began to drag, then she started to use a walker, then a cane.  Eventually, she went from using an electronic wheelchair to being completely bedridden.  In 2008 she had a rough relapse, which robbed her of her cognitive abilities.  From 2003 to 2023, I was her primary caregiver.  In that time, I painfully watched someone who was always so feisty and strong wither away to a bone thin incontinent woman who needed me for basic daily living.  Being with her in the beginning wasn’t too bad; I was unemployed at the time and with nowhere to go, I cared for her.  I cooked, cleaned, and washed her, even after soiling herself.  In time, I sometimes resented her, as I felt she was consuming my life.  

With Spooky, my spoiled rotten black cat, we lived our lives.  Then, Spooky became ill and passed away in March 2023 while I was at work.  When I came home and found him, I was devastated; I blamed myself for not giving him his daily kiss before leaving.  To this day, I wish I had held him before he took his last breath.  Three days later, Ma was admitted to the hospital for a stage 4 sacral wound.  She went in and out of hospitals and rehab until it was decided to bring her home for hospice.  With a caregiver watching her during the day, I’d check in on her once I got home. 

Sometimes, we’d watch television together, with Dallas as the show of choice.  I’d give a humorous dialogue on the characters, even reciting lines, always to get her to laugh.  During the show, I’d feed her ice cream or sherbet or cold ginger ale.  Before going to bed, I’d kiss her forehead and caress her chin; she would playfully try to bite me when I touched her chin.  As I left the bedroom, I’d tell her I loved her.  In the morning, I’d do the same ritual before leaving for work.

The last time she fully spoke to me was on my birthday, Thursday, November 2nd.  My sister called our caregiver and told her to call me at work and have Ma acknowledge my birthday.  Days before she was in a morphine haze with no appetite, not really speaking, so I was down about that.  When I answered the phone and heard Ma say ‘Happy Birthday’, tears streamed from my eyes; it meant so much to hear her voice, and so clearly. 

Three weeks later, she was gone.  Until my dying day, I will never forget finding her still body and open mouth. 

Two days before her death, I was home due to a knee inflammation.  Most of the day was spent looking after Ma and cleaning.  She wouldn’t accept any food or drink, barely taking in a few spoons of water ice.  I went to the doctors to check on my knee and let Ma know; she said ‘okay’ a few times; those were the last words she said to me.  When I returned from the doctor’s, she was sleeping and outside of moaning when washed that afternoon, she slept the rest of the night. 

Friday morning, I did my usual; kissed her forehead and caressed under her chin.  She was still sleeping so I left for work.  The caregiver said she hadn’t eaten or had anything to drink all day.  I was worried and wondered if she was in a low ebb like before.  After work, I went to the market; when I came home to check on her, her breathing was horribly shallow.  I panicked and called the hospice nurse, who suggested that I give her morphine to stop the noisy breathing.  While it did work some, she still made a weird snoring noise.  I told her I loved her and went into the kitchen.  My plan was to put the groceries away then go into the bedroom and play some of her favorite songs while sitting with her.  It was cold and I needed to warm up, so I got into bed for a while.  I left the light on in her room to remind myself to come in with the music.  I ate a bag of potato chips then fell asleep; I slept through the night. 

Saturday, November 18, 2023, I woke up and remembered I was supposed to be in the room with Ma.  I kept rising out of the bed only to fall back asleep.  Around seven-ish, a home health aide called to confirm the time to wash Ma.  I walked into Ma’s room to answer the phone; before doing my daily ritual with her I looked to make sure she was breathing.  I looked and didn’t see any rising up and down; her eyes also weren’t moving.

I panicked and told the aide it looked like she was dead.  I felt her body; her arms and bottom were warm but under her chin was ice cold.  I screamed and tried to awaken her but nothing; she was gone. 

I totally lost it, crying and screaming ‘NO!’ over and over.  I called my sister and could barely explain what happened.  She sent a family text, asking those that were able to come to the house to comfort me.  I immediately became angry with myself; I should have come back and sat with her like I said I would; if only I hadn’t eaten those goddamned potato chips and immediately gone to sleep afterwards; if only I had checked on her when I first got up instead of falling back to sleep.  All those thoughts continue to roam in my head.

The nurse confirmed her dead at 11:05 a.m., yet she likely passed earlier in the morning.  Later, my cousins and Mr. Yogi came and sat with me.  In the afternoon, the funeral home took Ma’s body away.  Just before they placed her in the bag, I snuck in a few final minutes with her.  I held her hand, caressing it, apologizing for not coming in later like I said I would.  I told her how much I loved her and how glad I was that she would finally be back with her mother.  I kissed her on her forehead then went into the kitchen so I wouldn’t see them bringing her out in the body bag.

Since then, everything has been a blur.  Sometimes I forget the simplest shit; I’ve even been lazy in cleaning up my room and pocketbook, two things I’ve always been rigid about.  In a couple of weeks, I must move due to not being able to afford the rent.  And even if I could I’d likely not stay, as there are too many memories; as it is, sometimes when I go into her room I burst into tears.  My sister and Mr. Yogi think I should seek therapy, but I don’t believe in shrinks much because really, will counseling sessions bring her back?

Rest well, Ma.  Now you and your mother are free to walk around gossiping when you aren’t being teased by Uncle and Pop-Pop.  Tell my aunts I said hello.

I love and miss you so much; until we meet again.

I read your entire post. A lot of it I could relate to, as my Mom died of a form of Parkinson's that made her body rigid. But Mom was only severely afflicted for her last 5 years, and during that time she had caregivers when we weren't visiting. So I just know that what you've been through must've been unbelievably difficult. And yet you too still feel you fell short. 

My sister, like you, refused professional help, but I am grateful for the grief counselors I spoke to after my Dad and then my Mom passed. Grief counselors specialize in that one aspect of mental health, and bringing you through it.

Regardless, feel free to continue to post here if you find that helpful, or in the Grief, bereavement, mourning, loss… thread.
🧸

Edited December 16, 2023 by shapeshifter

[shapeshifter]

23 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

On 12/15/2023 at 6:27 PM, Yogisbooboo64 said:

It has been a minute since I've posted in this folder.  So much has happened and I'm still in a state of shock.

My mother was a fiercely independent woman; stubborn, with a great smile, lover of The Spinners, potato chips and the original Star Trek series….she also never saw a well-kept beard she didn’t like!

On her own, she raised and grew up with the three of us in the tough Raymond Rosen projects, working for the City of Philadelphia as a File Clerk for 35 years.  She was so skilled with patient files that she was nicknamed ‘Ms. Proficiency’ most of her career; all it took was seeing a patient arrive at the health center for their appointment and she could immediately recite their file number.  I’d like to think she’d still be working if not for Multiple Sclerosis cruelly taking away her ability to memorize and her most favorite passion, walking.

Was she an angel?  Hell no!!  Ma had a mean streak just like her daddy; after she and my father had long broken up and I had done something she didn’t like, she would call me Thomasina.  That name was never a compliment, for my father Thomas was an alcoholic and barely there for us.  When she was at her angriest, she would say she hated me.  Being extremely sensitive to begin with, that was always crushing to what little confidence I had.

In 2003, Ma was diagnosed with MS.  Slowly, it took her mobility; first, the right foot began to drag, then she started to use a walker, then a cane.  Eventually, she went from using an electronic wheelchair to being completely bedridden.  In 2008 she had a rough relapse, which robbed her of her cognitive abilities.  From 2003 to 2023, I was her primary caregiver.  In that time, I painfully watched someone who was always so feisty and strong wither away to a bone thin incontinent woman who needed me for basic daily living.  Being with her in the beginning wasn’t too bad; I was unemployed at the time and with nowhere to go, I cared for her.  I cooked, cleaned, and washed her, even after soiling herself.  In time, I sometimes resented her, as I felt she was consuming my life.  

With Spooky, my spoiled rotten black cat, we lived our lives.  Then, Spooky became ill and passed away in March 2023 while I was at work.  When I came home and found him, I was devastated; I blamed myself for not giving him his daily kiss before leaving.  To this day, I wish I had held him before he took his last breath.  Three days later, Ma was admitted to the hospital for a stage 4 sacral wound.  She went in and out of hospitals and rehab until it was decided to bring her home for hospice.  With a caregiver watching her during the day, I’d check in on her once I got home. 

Sometimes, we’d watch television together, with Dallas as the show of choice.  I’d give a humorous dialogue on the characters, even reciting lines, always to get her to laugh.  During the show, I’d feed her ice cream or sherbet or cold ginger ale.  Before going to bed, I’d kiss her forehead and caress her chin; she would playfully try to bite me when I touched her chin.  As I left the bedroom, I’d tell her I loved her.  In the morning, I’d do the same ritual before leaving for work.

The last time she fully spoke to me was on my birthday, Thursday, November 2nd.  My sister called our caregiver and told her to call me at work and have Ma acknowledge my birthday.  Days before she was in a morphine haze with no appetite, not really speaking, so I was down about that.  When I answered the phone and heard Ma say ‘Happy Birthday’, tears streamed from my eyes; it meant so much to hear her voice, and so clearly. 

Three weeks later, she was gone.  Until my dying day, I will never forget finding her still body and open mouth. 

Two days before her death, I was home due to a knee inflammation.  Most of the day was spent looking after Ma and cleaning.  She wouldn’t accept any food or drink, barely taking in a few spoons of water ice.  I went to the doctors to check on my knee and let Ma know; she said ‘okay’ a few times; those were the last words she said to me.  When I returned from the doctor’s, she was sleeping and outside of moaning when washed that afternoon, she slept the rest of the night. 

Friday morning, I did my usual; kissed her forehead and caressed under her chin.  She was still sleeping so I left for work.  The caregiver said she hadn’t eaten or had anything to drink all day.  I was worried and wondered if she was in a low ebb like before.  After work, I went to the market; when I came home to check on her, her breathing was horribly shallow.  I panicked and called the hospice nurse, who suggested that I give her morphine to stop the noisy breathing.  While it did work some, she still made a weird snoring noise.  I told her I loved her and went into the kitchen.  My plan was to put the groceries away then go into the bedroom and play some of her favorite songs while sitting with her.  It was cold and I needed to warm up, so I got into bed for a while.  I left the light on in her room to remind myself to come in with the music.  I ate a bag of potato chips then fell asleep; I slept through the night. 

Saturday, November 18, 2023, I woke up and remembered I was supposed to be in the room with Ma.  I kept rising out of the bed only to fall back asleep.  Around seven-ish, a home health aide called to confirm the time to wash Ma.  I walked into Ma’s room to answer the phone; before doing my daily ritual with her I looked to make sure she was breathing.  I looked and didn’t see any rising up and down; her eyes also weren’t moving.

I panicked and told the aide it looked like she was dead.  I felt her body; her arms and bottom were warm but under her chin was ice cold.  I screamed and tried to awaken her but nothing; she was gone. 

I totally lost it, crying and screaming ‘NO!’ over and over.  I called my sister and could barely explain what happened.  She sent a family text, asking those that were able to come to the house to comfort me.  I immediately became angry with myself; I should have come back and sat with her like I said I would; if only I hadn’t eaten those goddamned potato chips and immediately gone to sleep afterwards; if only I had checked on her when I first got up instead of falling back to sleep.  All those thoughts continue to roam in my head.

The nurse confirmed her dead at 11:05 a.m., yet she likely passed earlier in the morning.  Later, my cousins and Mr. Yogi came and sat with me.  In the afternoon, the funeral home took Ma’s body away.  Just before they placed her in the bag, I snuck in a few final minutes with her.  I held her hand, caressing it, apologizing for not coming in later like I said I would.  I told her how much I loved her and how glad I was that she would finally be back with her mother.  I kissed her on her forehead then went into the kitchen so I wouldn’t see them bringing her out in the body bag.

Since then, everything has been a blur.  Sometimes I forget the simplest shit; I’ve even been lazy in cleaning up my room and pocketbook, two things I’ve always been rigid about.  In a couple of weeks, I must move due to not being able to afford the rent.  And even if I could I’d likely not stay, as there are too many memories; as it is, sometimes when I go into her room I burst into tears.  My sister and Mr. Yogi think I should seek therapy, but I don’t believe in shrinks much because really, will counseling sessions bring her back?

Rest well, Ma.  Now you and your mother are free to walk around gossiping when you aren’t being teased by Uncle and Pop-Pop.  Tell my aunts I said hello.

I love and miss you so much; until we meet again.

Expand  

…

Regardless, feel free to continue to post here

P.S.:

There's also the Stress, Depression, Anxiety and other Mental Health-related things thread, under which a lot of the stuff you mention (and to which I can relate) might fit.

Both the Mental Health Thread and the Grief thread are buried here:

PrimeTimer Forums main page

• Beyond TV Shows
  • Everything Else 
    [At the top of the page as one of two Gold-colored buttons; this Family-Ties page is below]
    • Health & Wellness

      • Health and Wellness Chit-Chat: Your Primary Care Topic

      • Stress, Depression, Anxiety and other Mental Health-related things
      • [more topics]
      • Grief, bereavement, mourning, loss…
      • [more topics]

If my word choice sounds critical of the way the threads are arranged, it's only because my own stuff and data are even more difficult to drill down to.
And, even as a retired librarian, I don't have any better suggestions for arranging the threads.
But, also as a retired librarian, I still can't resist the urge to create "Finding Aids."

Edited December 17, 2023 by shapeshifter

[Jaded]

On 10/30/2023 at 3:52 PM, Quof said:

Sent.   

Sometimes you have to point out to people that they are being stupid, because all previous attempts to correct their error have failed. 

What happened with your Mom? I scrolled back too far and saw this last post you made saying you decided go through with hitting the send button. Seeing it got me to wondering about you and her.

[GHScorpiosRule]

I’m a great aunt! My niece gave birth a few days ago to a baby girl! Grand niece decided to come a week early so she wouldn’t have Christmas as her birthday!😄😄😄

Mum and baby are doing well. I won’t be able to see them until Spring, though. But I can coo over the pictures until then. I’m just glad and happy they are all doing well-it was a long labor and she ended up having to get a C-Section.

[DearEvette]

This year was the first year my mother in law came to our house for Christmas.

Usually she goes to my sister-in-law's  because they go really, really big for Christmas and that is her jam.  In my house we are a bit more restrained.  My kids are older and usually just want money and/or gift cards.  And I usually just do a nice dinner and we have drinks and convo after.  Very often we'll have whatever friends or students of my husband over who can't go to their families.

This year my SIL and her family all decided to do a Christmas cruise.  So to our house it was.   Now, my MIL is genuinely a nice person.  But she can be .... a LOT sometimes.  And she is best in small doses.  And this isn't just cliche MIL stuff, my husband from the day we met told me he can only take so much of his mother at times.

So I had 12 people including my MIL coming to my house for Christmas dinner.  Now this is not my first time at the rodeo, so I made sure of everyone's dietary restrictions.  I have been hosting a round robin of people for Christmas for years and learned a long time ago I can just put a rib roast on the table and go voila.  Did that one year and one of my husband's poor vegetarian students sat there and had to fill up on green beans and macaroni.

This year, Of the 12  people who were at my house

2 were fully vegetarian

3 were up to pescatarian

2 the only meat they'd consume besides fish was poultry (no red meat or pork)

2 ate everything but pork

3 were full on omnivore

So I had I menu all set so that everyone would be good.  My main proteins were gonna be duck and a crab stuffed sole.  Everything else was vegetarian

My MIL asked if she could bring anything.  I asked if she could bring her green bean casserole and her corn souffle.  Knowing that these two things would work great with my menu.

She brought those.  Yay.  And they were fantastic.

But that woman also brought a full, grown-ass ham beautifully glazed and a rack lamb (complete with those damn white hat thingys) and baked beans with bacon.  Oh and as she handed over one more crock pot 'I just had a pork shoulder sitting around so I made some pulled pork" She basically made a full Christmas dinner of her own  that almost none of my guests could eat and brought it with her.

Sigh. My husband and I did that talking with your eyes thing that people do when they are kinda pissed but can't really say anything.

 And the cherry on the top of the cake?  She only ate the food she brought and afterwards looked me dead in the eye and told me how everything was so delicious!

She is so damned extra! 

Later that night my husband and I couldn't help but laugh at the audacity!

I also texted my SIL and told her the whole story and told her she should have gone on that 9 month cruise because the next time I see her....  LOL.

[PRgal]

@DearEvette😱😱😱😱😱

ohhhhh boy!  At least she didn’t ask your other guests why they weren’t trying any of her things!  Or basically plop a portion on their plates!  Or did she?

[DearEvette]

5 hours ago, PRgal said:

@DearEvette😱😱😱😱😱

ohhhhh boy!  At least she didn’t ask your other guests why they weren’t trying any of her things!  Or basically plop a portion on their plates!  Or did she?

Everything was laid out buffet style, so people made their own plates...thank god.  One of my husband's students went to town on that rack of lamb, tho.  He went back for seconds and kinda looked at me guiltily and I told him he could eat as much of it as he wanted.  He is on the football team so he is a big boy.  I sent him home with a nice tupperware full of stuff.

 

[PRgal]

Is anyone trying to put together a family tree?  I have a good amount of info on my dad's side, but only the men.  It's actually hard to get access to the women, thanks to millennia of patriarchal culture in China (kinship books basically only talk about men and the only kinship book I have access to is my dad's (male) line.  I only know the maiden name of one of my great-grandmothers (my paternal grandfather's mom) and that name is Wong, so, well, good luck, honey).  I've had AncestryDNA done, but it only showed 5-8th cousins.  And because I'm female, I don't know for sure which side is which (it says "parent one" and "parent two"), though I think I can guess which side is which based on the origins of MY maiden name.  And even if I had info, I would need a translator since I can't read Chinese.  Not to mention the number of sources I'd need to go through if I WERE able to track down a few generations of the female line.  As for my maternal grandfather's line, my dad doesn't think any records exist since he was a farmer.  My grandfather may have been the first generation to attend school.  Village scribes would have kept record, if at all, and since the Cultural Revolution was horrible and many documents, history and culture were destroyed, those records might not even exist anymore.  :(. 

 

Wait, did I already mention this on another board?

[shapeshifter]

28 minutes ago, PRgal said:

Is anyone trying to put together a family tree?  I have a good amount of info on my dad's side, but only the men.…

For similar but different reasons, I have had the same results. 
I now feel less urgency to uncover information because I think it will become easier in the future if/when DNA databases become more complete, plus, everytime I login to Ancestry etc. it seems more data has been added, albeit by more distant relatives. 

So at 70 I'm now trusting that if almost-2-year-old Lambchop or his soon-to-be Baby Brother Lambchop want to find out more about their ancestry, they'll have the tools to do it. 

There's an interesting story about the assumed last name of my father's family and other, unrelated families who share that name that would be interesting to uncover. It's sort of a version of Schindler's List from 1850s Russia. Maybe as online connections continue to proliferate, someone will put together the pieces.

[Mindthinkr]

My brother is a genealogy nut, but won’t share the information. 😡

There’s other things that complicate our family tree, but at this point I’ve decided just to concentrate on the younger generations in my family. 

[shapeshifter]

2 hours ago, Mindthinkr said:

My brother is a genealogy nut, but won’t share the information. 😡

I am trying really hard not to ask about this👆

[Mindthinkr]

5 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

I am trying really hard not to ask about this👆

I’m sorry 🧸

[PRgal]

8 hours ago, Mindthinkr said:

My brother is a genealogy nut, but won’t share the information. 😡

There’s other things that complicate our family tree, but at this point I’ve decided just to concentrate on the younger generations in my family. 

If it’s related to adoptions or illegitimate children, well, I understand.  

[BlueSkies]

I saw part of my mom's family recently.  This clip is so funny to me because it's the same deal with them.  Mac puts in months and months of training to get in top notch shape but he still gets ignored!

 

 

 

Kind of the same deal in my family in a way, my point of view always feels ignored.  Except in the show it's funny because well it's not real and the characters are mainly pretty dumb which enhanced the hilarity of it!   The issue I have with my family members are they are actually really smart and I think more sinister.  

[Gramto6]

I dabbled with Ancestry.com for a while a few years back. I carefully traced my father's side of the family from the info I knew and had in hand and only put in my chart things I was pretty sure of. Along comes someone that rudely tells me my trace is wrong...WTF? I kind of lost interest in that site after that.

My mother was adopted back in the early 20's and I have no info at all of bio relatives for her. When she passed, she left the house to my younger brother (the favorite...another story there) and he found among her papers some of her adoption records. Being the $hit he is, he refused to let me see any of it. Needless to say we are not close any more. 

Like you @Mindthinkr, I too have decided to focus on the younger generations!

Edited January 2 by Gramto6

[Quof]

My mother does not like to shop, and is not good at it. She recently mentioned she wanted/needed new clothing.  I asked about specific types of clothing and sizes, then ordered a number of items on Amazon to be sent directly to her, as her Christmas present.  "Keep everything that fits and that you like."  She is retired, and doesn't go out much, so her needs should be simple.  

We are now on Round 3 of "this doesn't fit right" and "I'm not sure if I like this", arranging returns (which Amazon picks up at her house, so she doesn't have to do anything but answer the door) and ordering new items.  

Send thoughts and prayers.  

[Cloud9Shopper]

And…back to no longer talking about my job search with my mom.

I was just telling her about an employer who ghosted me (especially since it was a place where I had a connection) and she was basically telling me I have to accept it and get over it. Like, OK yeah I can’t change a rude recruiter or an employer who ghosts but…I should still be allowed to vent about how hard it can be to find a new job! I don’t complain about being ghosted if I don’t even get a phone screen but like after two rounds and having a referral on the inside I think a recruiter could send a short “no thanks” email. And it’s so annoying to have family be like “well just get over it, you’re too frustrated.” 

My mom for what it’s worth has been an LPN for years and never had to struggle in her job search much or have more than 1-2 interviews. She has never tried to search for an office job where they expect 3-5 rounds of interviews, assessments, and God knows what else. She doesn’t know what it’s like to send 100+ applications and feel hopeless. I don’t understand why she can’t validate me and agree it sucks instead of just telling me not to complain and then blame me for being upset.

Hell, she even tried to discourage me from going for a paralegal role because “most firms want a paralegal certificate.” I went on the interview anyway and the managing attorney said she did not care about a certificate. So, so much for that. My mom loves to comment on what she thinks jobs want when she has never applied to be a paralegal, never been an attorney…but somehow thinks she knows everything about the types of jobs I want.

Oh and she is a huge hypocrite. She’ll tell me to just deal with being treated rudely on the job search but yet frequently complains about her own job and coworkers. Maybe next time she does it I’ll just tell her that she’s too frustrated and needs to get over it. I wonder how she’d like her “wisdom” if it was applied to her in reverse. 

I wish I had family who supported my desire to do more with my life than be a call center rep. Like geez Mom maybe you should be proud of me for pushing myself, making connections, and persisting in my job hunt! That’s the kind of support I wish I had. 

Edited January 11 by Cloud9Shopper

[shapeshifter]

48 minutes ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

She’ll tell me to just deal with being treated rudely on the job search but yet frequently complains about her own job and coworkers. Maybe next time she does it I’ll just tell her that she’s too frustrated and needs to get over it. I wonder how she’d like her “wisdom” if it was applied to her in reverse. 

Any chance she might just reply, "Yeah. I know. You’re not wrong”?

[Cloud9Shopper]

27 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

Any chance she might just reply, "Yeah. I know. You’re not wrong”?

It’s possible but who knows? 

I wish I had the kind of mom that a friend of mine is to her daughter. Yeah, my friend’s daughter is 18 but her mom is always talking about how amazingly smart and talented she is, they seem to be super close, and my friend supports her unconditionally. Her daughter even made a birthday post with all these amazing things about my friend as a mother. Like yeah it can be eyeroll worthy to hear about how perfect the daughter is all the time, but at least my friend is close with her and supports her goals and her hobbies and doesn’t judge her. I know social media only showcases the best but they seem to have a really great bond and support that I wish my mom would give me! Like sometimes I wish my mom would say how happy she is to see me try hard to better myself instead of being like “sometimes people are rude, get over it.”  

[shapeshifter]

4 hours ago, Quof said:

My mother does not like to shop, and is not good at it. She recently mentioned she wanted/needed new clothing.  I asked about specific types of clothing and sizes, then ordered a number of items on Amazon to be sent directly to her, as her Christmas present.  "Keep everything that fits and that you like."  She is retired, and doesn't go out much, so her needs should be simple.  

We are now on Round 3 of "this doesn't fit right" and "I'm not sure if I like this", arranging returns (which Amazon picks up at her house, so she doesn't have to do anything but answer the door) and ordering new items.  

Send thoughts and prayers.  

Okay. I am your mother. Well, not really. But close enough. So here's my suggestion:
Ask her either in person or by video call something like: "Hey Mom. Are you getting closer to finding [shirt, pants, shoes, coat] that you like?" 
If she cannot convincingly tell you that she's making progress, I suggest you try taking her to a mall that has clothes in her size and style. 
After all the Amazon clothes sampling, she might find it easier to find something in the mall. 
And if she doesn't, the mall trip might in turn give her a new perspective on the Amazon stuff. 
If nothing pans out, let her know that you're okay with her returning everything for now. 

It can be hard buying clothes after retirement. It's hard to justify it if you don't go places where clothes matter, and if you don't know if you're going to live another 10 years or another 30 and how high inflation will go, it can be hard to spend money. And it gets harder to make decisions as you get older simply because you've already made so many mistakes that now you know better.

But then you realize your coat is threadbare or your pants don't fit anymore.

But then you can't escape that clothes are really not designed to fit older people. 
I guess that's why the Golden Girls wore caftans and old guys on TV wore suspenders.

All that said. I really do need a new winter coat, and I'm afraid I've waited too late in the season when the smaller sizes are mostly gone because they don't ever get enough of them.
--which is probably where your Mom was at when she said she needed new clothes.

Maybe just buy your Mom a dark chocolate bar or a slice of cake from Wegmans.

There's a Jefferson Airplane song from the 70s your Mom might know (if she's old enough) called "White Rabbit" with a line: "Feed your head."
Chocolate might make it easier for her to decide. 😉

[PRgal]

@Quof:  I've never bought clothes off Amazon, but my mom has for my son.  They can suck (at least for kids).  Maybe she just doesn't like them.  Have you considered getting something from, say, Old Navy or Gap?  Pact can be comfortable too.

[EtheltoTillie]

2 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

But then you can't escape that clothes are really not designed to fit older people. 
I guess that's why the Golden Girls wore caftans and old guys on TV wore suspenders.

 

Yes, I'm in my caftan/tunic years.  I saw a thirty year old picture of myself the other day that was lying around.  I was literally 50 pounds lighter than I am now.  I was model thin and wearing a bathing suit.  Yikes.  I also used to smoke.  I never had to starve myself when I smoked.  I have to say that no one takes into account the fact that many fewer people smoke now when they discuss how there are more obese people in the US. 

Edited January 12 by EtheltoTillie

[shapeshifter]

Just now, EtheltoTillie said:

Yes, I'm in my caftan/tunic years.  I saw a thirty year old picture of myself the other day that was lying around.  I was literally 50 pounds lighter than I am now.  Yikes.  I also used to smoke.  I never had to starve myself when I smoked.  I have to say that no one takes into account the fact that many fewer people smoke now when they discuss how there are more obese people in the US. 

I weigh the same I did in high school, but it's not arranged the same way. 

 

My daughter's C-section is scheduled for 10 hours from now. 
The hospital is an hour from me, but I get piriformis pain after 10 minutes of sitting. I would drive the distance anyway, but she says no, I should wait until they get home early next week. 
My almost 2-year-old grandson is staying with his father's mother and step-dad. They are 10 years younger than I am and stronger. I cannot lift him anymore.
I'm glad they are willing and able (as are my son-in-law's father and step-mother) but I wish I was stronger and younger. 

But mostly I hope everyone will be healthy.  

[EtheltoTillie]

@shapeshifter Let us know about the new lambchop. 

[Gramto6]

4 hours ago, PRgal said:

@Quof:  I've never bought clothes off Amazon, but my mom has for my son.  They can suck (at least for kids).  Maybe she just doesn't like them.  Have you considered getting something from, say, Old Navy or Gap?  Pact can be comfortable too.

I buy virtually all my clothes from Amazon. It took a few failures but once I found brands and styles that fit and were comfortable, I bought several colors of the same items. I'm just not a caftan person, but soft elastic waist pants with pockets and a top suit me just fine around the house and a little dressier elastic waist pants for going "out", which means grocery store, doctor/dentist, and Post Office mostly. I also bought a selection of vests with a lot of pockets which I wear, so no purse.  I do scour thrift shops often for gently worn things. 

Edited January 12 by Gramto6

[Quof]

Update on the clothing saga - we're done.   She has the items she is keeping, and one last pile of things to be returned.  The point of using Amazon, along with the wide selection, was easy returns so she wouldn't even have to put things in a package and a courier would simply pick them up at her house.  Other vendors don't do that.   I buy myself a lot of basics from their Amazon Essentials brand, and like the quality.

Let the record show, not a single thing she is keeping is the size she told me she wears.

Her last remark "This was kind of fun".  

Kill me now.

Edited January 12 by Quof

[shapeshifter]

1 hour ago, Quof said:

Let the record show, not a single thing she is keeping is the size she told me she wears.

My daughter bought me a pair of pants in a style and brand I liked for the waistband and the pockets and in the color I wanted (gray), but she didn't ask my size until after she bought them. They were too big, so she exchanged them, and they're perfect.

But the old pants I'm getting rid of because they're too tight in the waist are all the same size, so @Quof Mom's old pants (or other articles of clothing) were probably cut differently than the new ones?

 

++++++++++++++++++

 

9 hours ago, EtheltoTillie said:

@shapeshifter Let us know about the new lambchop. 

We just messaged, including a selfie from the hospital room with both her and her hubby smiling (they don't worry like I do). T-minus about 15 minutes to C-section. 🤞

She also forwarded a video of Lambchop from his other Grandma's, which made me very happy.🥰

[shapeshifter]

11 hours ago, EtheltoTillie said:

@shapeshifter Let us know about the new lambchop. 

Just got first pictures! I was able to count all of his toes! Already latched to his Mommy. So relieved and happy! 🥲

And the sun just came out for the first time in about a week.🌞

Edited January 12 by shapeshifter

[EtheltoTillie]

I actually don't own a caftan.  I just used that idea figuratively.

[BlueSkies]

It kind of sucks I had a 2nd or 3rd cousin I got back in touch with that went well and then all of a sudden he started ghosting me again.  

 

I hope though that's more of the result of he just has nothing more to say to me versus family dynamics kind of thing .  

[PRgal]

My mom trimmed my son's bangs without informing me first.  Now he has "nerd hair" for club photos this week!  We're going to get it fixed, but not in time for the pics.  Why do grandparents - especially IMMIGRANT grandparents - like to overstep like this?

[BlueSkies]

Years back when I moved into this house with my family the first thing my cousin's wife told me when she visited was I' should make friends with your neighbor since he has a big pool.

 

I didn't really take that as an insult just a sort of a suggestion.  

 

But overtime I learned my neighbor is the very nosey type.  He'd probably be the last person in the world's pool I'd be comfortable swimming in.

 

 

I guess my point is that pool comment is quite symbolic for that side of the family and I.

[BlueSkies]

It's kind of got to the point I pick and choose what I say to my Dad.  He can be stubborn and is literally hard of hearing.  

 

He's kind of reminding me of the way his mother or grandmother used to be.  

[shapeshifter]

8 minutes ago, BlueSkies said:

It's kind of got to the point I pick and choose what I say to my Dad.  He can be stubborn and is literally hard of hearing.

When my Dad finally got hearing aids, years of misunderstanding between us melted away. 

In our case, there were decades-past reasons for both of us to feel resentful or bitter, but once we could just chat, it turned out that both of us just wanted to live in the present and let bygones be bygones.

[BlueSkies]

Easter is coming up soon this year.  It is weird to me it was like such a big deal and my family and now it just sort of dissolved to an Easter dinner.  Like my parents were both real religious (especially my dad).  He would push going to mass three days in a row with me with vigor.  And these services were long

 

But he's older now, covid happened, and I think he's sort of mentally checked out from Church for the rest of his life.  Plus his mom died and she was like the real sort of Catholic one.

 

I look forward to Easter in that there's still some nostalgia about stuff but more so by then Spring is here kind of thing.  

[Cloud9Shopper]

I’m at a family gathering today and it’s OK so far. My cousin and his wife brought their new baby (who is precious) and my niece is here too. I will just never like these big 20-person gatherings so I do the best I can. I have no choice but to go since it seems like the whole family shows up for Palm Sunday dinner. 

My grandmother does kind of irritate me, which is going to send me bad karma for life because she is in her early 90s so I have to be nice to her. But she keeps nagging me about “why don’t you have anything in your China cabinet?” (It’s not really my cabinet as it was there when I moved in.) and asking what else I need in my house. I’ve been on my own for nearly four years, I have no desire to have fine China even for decoration (and I don’t want to entertain random family members either) and I just wish I could say “hey Grandma, thank you but I really like to make my own decorating choices/don’t want China/etc.” I’m in my late 30s so it’s tiring to have interference of why I don’t do this or that with my house or to have an older relative play with my hair. 

Easter in my family is more about going to Mass and other Holy Week Masses/Good Friday service. My siblings don’t come back since they are here for Palm Sunday so my mom and stepdad and I go to a brunch buffet after we go to our respective churches for Mass. Then after brunch we just relax at home. It’s how I wish Christmas could be, but I think at this point I’d have to relocate from my family to make that tradition happen for myself. I imagine my family won’t change until some of the older people are gone, and maybe not even then. (I am starting to ponder relocating/moving somewhere else but that’s not going to happen really soon; I’m looking at it as more of a long-term idea. Maybe in the next 2-3 years.)

Edited March 24 by Cloud9Shopper

[shapeshifter]

25 minutes ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

My grandmother does kind of irritate me, which is going to send me bad karma for life because she is in her early 90s so I have to be nice to her. But she keeps nagging me about “why don’t you have anything in your China cabinet?”

Do you think she’s hoping you might want her China? If she offers it, you could just say “thank you,” and then, after she passes, sell it on FB marketplace or at a local consignment shop for a low price so someone who needs it and wants it can afford it and you won’t have trouble finding someone who wants it. 

I read in The New York Times about a lot of people in their 80s and 90s who are downsizing to a smaller place wanting to give their kids or grandkids their China cabinets and China, but nobody wants that stuff anymore.

But stuff that’s priced low and is in great condition is more attractive than stuff a relative is trying to get rid of.

[PRgal]

We didn’t even register for fancy china when we married nor did I inherit anything (my parents had a fancy set of Chinese porcelain that we never used.  I’m not sure if they even still have it) and just keep a partial set of our (very nice) regular dinnerware (plain white and dishwasher friendly) and wine glasses in our cabinet! 

[BlueSkies]

Part of this is me getting older but I notice my Dad can give like abrupt answers to me like a lot.

 

Not gonna bitch and moan here....   just going to say I got to understand what I deal with talking to this man.  

[shapeshifter]

1 hour ago, BlueSkies said:

Part of this is me getting older but I notice my Dad can give like abrupt answers to me like a lot.

The first time I visited my parents after Dad finally got hearing aids, his seemingly negative attitude towards me changed to one of interest.
Men tend to develop hearing loss earlier than women. I think around ages 55 or 60?

Edited May 9 by shapeshifter

[AgathaC]

Happy Mother’s Day to the moms out there!

Not an easy day for some. I’m a dog mom and have made my peace with not being a human mom.

Right now, Hubby and I are struggling a lot with Stepson13 — normal teenage attitude turned up to 11, regularly violating rules, just generally being an unpleasant twit. He completely ignores my existence and at this point, I’m fine with it. I just hate it for Hubby because SS is making it very clear he prefers his mom and her house and only comes to our house because he has to. (50/50 custody split)

But yesterday, I got a card in the mail from my MIL. It was a check and a “thank you” card with a sweet note saying she knows my situation isn’t always easy and she wanted me to know how much she appreciates me and everything I do for her son and grandson.

Such a lovely, thoughtful, unexpected thing.

[Bastet]

2 hours ago, AgathaC said:

But yesterday, I got a card in the mail from my MIL. It was a check and a “thank you” card with a sweet note saying she knows my situation isn’t always easy and she wanted me to know how much she appreciates me and everything I do for her son and grandson.

What a nice gesture.

TV abounds with nightmare mother-in-law scenarios, and I've heard some in real life, of course, but most of the women I know with mothers-in-law have/had good relationships with them.

I only ever wanted to be a mom to cats, so Mother's Day is about my mom.  She's still with us, against all odds, so this is a nice day for me (a rather forced holiday, and I already usually see my mom once a week, so I'm not overly enthused about it, I just know I'm going to find it a very sad day to get through once she's gone, so try to enjoy it in that light).

[AgathaC]

22 minutes ago, Bastet said:

What a nice gesture.

TV abounds with nightmare mother-in-law scenarios, and I've heard some in real life, of course, but most of the women I know with mothers-in-law have/had good relationships with them.

I only ever wanted to be a mom to cats, so Mother's Day is about my mom.  She's still with us, against all odds, so this is a nice day for me (a rather forced holiday, and I already usually see my mom once a week, so I'm not overly enthused about it, I just know I'm going to find it a very sad day to get through once she's gone, so try to enjoy it in that light).

I’ve never cared much about this day, either. My parents never made a big deal about Mother’s or Father’s Day. But my mother is totally awesome and so were my grandmothers. In my own, quiet way, I celebrate that. (My maternal grandmother died when I was a child but my paternal grandmother died on New Year’s Eve. Mortality, the end of things, the knowledge that some day my parents won’t be here — all are more at the front of my mind lately.)