Family Ties: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

[oliviabenson]

18 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

Especially this👆 when there are finite resources.  
Seeing her fritter away the $100k from the apartment buy-out was a real eye opener. 
I just hope I’m doing the right thing. 
She often remembers past situations in ways not supported by facts so that she is the financial victim, sometimes even making me the villain. 
And whenever she asks for money and I respond with an offer for her to live rent free with me, she says I am insulting her. 
I can’t help worrying about eventual suicide, but I don’t know what to do. 
Her father is similar and has lived with partners who supported him. 
I would accept her doing the same, but that’s never happened.

I know a few people (60’s) who are fully financially supporting their lazy/grown kids. You have to make sure you are taken care of first. At 39 your baby needs to figure it out.

[Bethany]

Major conflict in the family today.  My niece  has been working from home since the start of the pandemic and took advantage of this to relocate to a country property about an hour out of the city.  Now her employer is saying they want all employees back in the office.  She's furious and says it's a "betrayal". 

So about half the family is supportive of her and the rest of us are going "what made you think this was a permanent thing?"  There have been unfriendings and blockings on FB and some family members are now not speaking to each other.  I thought the whole divisiveness over Covid and mandates and stuff was actually over.  Guess not.

Edited January 14, 2023 by Elizabeth Anne

[CrazyInAlabama]

On 1/6/2023 at 7:00 PM, oliviabenson said:

I know a few people (60’s) who are fully financially supporting their lazy/grown kids. You have to make sure you are taken care of first. At 39 your baby needs to figure it out.

I agree. I've seen people who had to grow up when they were 50 years old, and it's a sad thing to witness.    It's easier to learn to be on your own if you learn along the way, not suddenly at an older age.    

Edited January 14, 2023 by CrazyInAlabama

[shapeshifter]

53 minutes ago, CrazyInAlabama said:

I agree. I've seen people who had to grow up when they were 50 years old, and it's a sad thing to witness.    It's easier to learn to be on your own if you learn along the way, not suddenly at an older age.    

Yes. I ultimately do nobody any favors if I enable her to continue to make life choices that are not sustainable for herself and that she could not otherwise choose without my "help"
——especially if in the process I deplete my own resources to a point that will make me dependent upon her sisters.

I wound up sending her the equivalent of her delinquent electric bill (after she had found funds elsewhere) because I looked back through my bank statements and saw that the thousands I'd paid her in dental bills were long enough ago that if she didn't still owe me anything, I would have gifted her the amount of the power bill anyway for birthdays etc. Not sure that makes sense, but it seemed to work in our weird family.

[Bethany]

2 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

I would have gifted her the amount of the power bill anyway for birthdays etc. Not sure that makes sense, but it seemed to work in our weird family.

Whatever works, works!  No two families are ever going to handle things exactly the same way.  In our family my 87 yr old dad is still trying to be the problem solver even though he has more than earned the right to sit back and let the rest of us  look after him!

[ginger90]

I have nothing against helping grown children financially. However, if it’s said to be something I can pay directly myself, such as a utility bill, that’s what I would do. I have seen a family send or give money for a stated purpose, and that is not where the money was actually going, and it wasn’t good, or legal. 
 

(not saying that’s what’s going on as far as this discussion)

[PRgal]

On 1/6/2023 at 8:00 PM, oliviabenson said:

I know a few people (60’s) who are fully financially supporting their lazy/grown kids. You have to make sure you are taken care of first. At 39 your baby needs to figure it out.

But what if the adult child has a trust fund, but rather than giving them the entire bulk when they turned whatever age, they're getting them in increments, let's say, by year?  I know that this is not most people, but there are people like that.  And the children are expected to use it wisely (investing, put it into THEIR children's education, donating to charity, etc)?  

[Bethany]

I don't have a problem with helping your adult children financially, within your means.  The richer you are the less problem I have!  I think the trouble starts and this is what I believe @oliviabensonmeant, is when an older parent is helping their adults children out when financially this could be problematic for the parent.  I've known elderly people living on pensions -and not particularly generous pensions - who are still helping their adult kids out.  This is the concern my father has for my sister.  That her daughter will always have her hand in Mom's pocket even when Mom is long retired and needing that money for herself.

[isalicat]

4 hours ago, PRgal said:

But what if the adult child has a trust fund, but rather than giving them the entire bulk when they turned whatever age, they're getting them in increments, let's say, by year?  I know that this is not most people, but there are people like that.  And the children are expected to use it wisely (investing, put it into THEIR children's education, donating to charity, etc)?  

And so? Unless said adult child is disabled, what is stopping them from getting a job and being self supporting and therefore using the trust fund as it was expected to be used (investing, etc.)? Adult means adult, not over aged child.

[PRgal]

18 minutes ago, isalicat said:

And so? Unless said adult child is disabled, what is stopping them from getting a job and being self supporting and therefore using the trust fund as it was expected to be used (investing, etc.)? Adult means adult, not over aged child.

These adults have jobs.  They just get extra money from their family.  The elder generation giving the money expects that to be invested/donated to a good cause or perhaps to help with a down payment or their mortgage.  Nothing wrong with a trust fund or inheritance. 

[Cloud9Shopper]

Still working on not sharing as much information with my mom. I told her about a final round interview I have coming up in NYC this week and I have some anxiety about the long commute and eventually relocating if I get it. (They require three days a week in office; no room for flexibility except you can pick you three days.) She’s not wrong in saying that if the employer weren’t serious they wouldn’t be bringing me in. It’s a couple other things:

I told her in the second interview they said for onboarding they’d prefer if I did five days a week on-site until I was comfortable. She thinks this means they’ll offer me the job and they want me, but for all I know they could have said the same thing to the other candidates. She also said, you know this is your third interview; they might offer you the job on the spot. All she’s doing is making me more nervous that at the end of the interview they’ll offer me the job and I’ll be put on the spot. I’m already stressed about the commute and relocation if I get this job; I don’t need to think about every little thing they say that might be a sign or how to respond if they say “we’re offering you the job” at the end of the interview.

I did try shutting her down. I said “well none of what they say in an interview matters until you have an offer letter” and “you know most professional jobs don’t make on the spot offers” but she blew me off. She kind of understood when I said I had other interviews when I thought I would get the offer and then nothing but ugh. I wish I could keep her out of my head and tell her to please stop more effectively. It’s not final until you have an offer letter and sign it. 

[theredhead77]

All that means is they like you enough to bring you in for round 3 and are setting expectations of their onboarding process vs the day-to-day hybrid situation. 

 

Very very unlikely they'll offer you a job on the spot. They're probably interviewing multiple candidates and have narrowed it down to a few for this round. They'll compare notes and put together an offer which will take time. 

[stewedsquash]

Sorry for this bit of levity @Cloud9Shopper but I am already trying to figure out which three days would be the best option to pick and if staying at your sisters short term is feasible.🤪

[shapeshifter]

1 hour ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

Still working on not sharing as much information with my mom. I told her about a final round interview I have coming up in NYC this week and I have some anxiety about the long commute and eventually relocating if I get it. (They require three days a week in office; no room for flexibility except you can pick you three days.) She’s not wrong in saying that if the employer weren’t serious they wouldn’t be bringing me in. It’s a couple other things:

I told her in the second interview they said for onboarding they’d prefer if I did five days a week on-site until I was comfortable. She thinks this means they’ll offer me the job and they want me, but for all I know they could have said the same thing to the other candidates. She also said, you know this is your third interview; they might offer you the job on the spot. All she’s doing is making me more nervous that at the end of the interview they’ll offer me the job and I’ll be put on the spot. I’m already stressed about the commute and relocation if I get this job; I don’t need to think about every little thing they say that might be a sign or how to respond if they say “we’re offering you the job” at the end of the interview.

I did try shutting her down. I said “well none of what they say in an interview matters until you have an offer letter” and “you know most professional jobs don’t make on the spot offers” but she blew me off. She kind of understood when I said I had other interviews when I thought I would get the offer and then nothing but ugh. I wish I could keep her out of my head and tell her to please stop more effectively. It’s not final until you have an offer letter and sign it. 

Am I your mother? 
Just kidding.
But this is why my daughters almost never tell me anything about their romantic lives until after they've broken up with the person. 

With jobs , it's a bit different, but not so much, in that the middle one (the one who's always asking for money) will frequently call to talk about an upcoming job opportunity or interview. 
I assume she wants advice. 
I will be 70 years old later this year; 10 days later she will turn 40.
And yet I just figured out this year that no, she does not want advice, she wants me to listen and then ask her what she thinks she should do. 
Pretty much the same with the others.

So, what helps me (the mom) is if the daughter can begin the conversation with something like: I don't want your opinion, I just want to talk about [it].
That gives me a chance to get into the mode of biting my tongue of motherly advice.

BTW, everything you wrote that she said that made you uptight is all true. 
But you already know that.😉🧸

[PRgal]

7 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

And yet I just figured out this year that no, she does not want advice, she wants me to listen and then ask her what she thinks she should do. 
 

At least you figured it out.  My mom has yet to do so.  

[Cloud9Shopper]

8 hours ago, stewedsquash said:

Sorry for this bit of levity @Cloud9Shopper but I am already trying to figure out which three days would be the best option to pick and if staying at your sisters short term is feasible.🤪

I appreciate it but it’s honestly more stressful for me than amusing. Especially since I will soon have the expense of work clothes (and if I get the NYC job I will need to step it up in wardrobe…not quite The Devil Wears Prada level of fashion, but I will have to look like I belong in NY and have nice clothes and hair done in short order) and hefty commuting costs while still not receiving unemployment. (I’m planning to call my state rep next week if I still don’t have payments; PA’s system is terrible and often a state rep can expedite you getting a call with an examiner to get your payments faster.) My mom is correct to bring up those expenses and it’s been on my mind as well. 

Granted if I get a local job I’d still have to get some new work clothes and put gas in my car, but I currently live in a smaller metro area than NYC so there’s not as much pressure to look high end when going to work around here with the exception of a few jobs. Getting gas and shopping sales for business casual clothes would be more doable. Plenty of people here look presentable without big city looks and get by just fine. 

 

Edited January 15, 2023 by Cloud9Shopper

[chitowngirl]

When I went from a food service job to an office job, I went to the resale and consignment shops for work wear.  Still do! 😆 A lot of people have cleaned out their closets because they work from home more often now. A few neutral pieces that can be mixed and matched should get you started…

[shapeshifter]

2 hours ago, PRgal said:

At least you figured it out.  My mom has yet to do so.  

I would never have figured it out on my own. My youngest daughter explained it to me after some coaching from her therapist.

Hopefully today’s high school guidance counselors are making this more universally understood.

 

I had a video call with my sister yesterday and tried to do the same. Mostly she just wants to talk about people I’ve never met, so I just have to let her ramble on and not bring up stuff like “about my parakeet that died in the 1960s: Was it really because I didn’t take care of it when our parents were out of town, or was it because one of the guys you had over gave it beer?” 
Since I’m still quite sick after babysitting my grandbaby on NYE, it was easier for me not to talk anyway.

[stewedsquash]

@Cloud9Shopper I understand and admire how you are able to both loseyourmind/beratioanal when you are struggling. It’s a process that people looking in don’t always value or understand. 

 

[theredhead77]

10 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

And yet I just figured out this year that no, she does not want advice, she wants me to listen and then ask her what she thinks she should do. 
Pretty much the same with the others.

So, what helps me (the mom) is if the daughter can begin the conversation with something like: I don't want your opinion, I just want to talk about [it].
That gives me a chance to get into the mode of biting my tongue of motherly advice.

 

3 hours ago, PRgal said:

At least you figured it out.  My mom has yet to do so.  

@PRgalyou could be direct with your mom and try just telling her what you are seeking before telling her whatever it is you need to tell her. 

I started doing that when talking with my mom (thanks, therapy!) and it has improved our relationship so much. I know she loves me and doesn't like to see me hurt or struggle but she can't fix everything. Sometimes I want advice, sometimes I just want to talk.

I also have to deal with 'overbearing parent' culture issues, but as an adult I get to define my own boundaries and when I clearly state what I am expecting, and shut down the overstepping, we all get to have a good time.

 

[Cloud9Shopper]

1 hour ago, chitowngirl said:

When I went from a food service job to an office job, I went to the resale and consignment shops for work wear.  Still do! 😆 A lot of people have cleaned out their closets because they work from home more often now. A few neutral pieces that can be mixed and matched should get you started…

I’m plus sized now (lost weight a few years ago before COVID and gained most of it back) and a lot of consignment shops don’t have much available in my size range. I will try but am not expecting much success. 

[Jane Tuesday]

15 minutes ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

I’m plus sized now (lost weight a few years ago before COVID and gained most of it back) and a lot of consignment shops don’t have much available in my size range. I will try but am not expecting much success. 

You might look into a service called Gwinnie Bee. It's a clothing rental service that goes up to size 32. I used it a few years ago when I was still doing business casual, and had really good luck with it. You pay a monthly fee based on how many items you want "checked out" at a time, load a bunch of stuff until your virtual closet, and they ship items from your closet as soon as you return something. I paid for the one-item-at-a-time plan, and I basically was able to have one different item each week. (If you live in a metro area, you might be able to turn them over faster.)

I found that I could use the vast majority of items (meaning, they looked nice and fit properly). I'm also plus-sized, and was pleasantly surprised that the selection wasn't overly dowdy.

Anyway, good luck with your job search, and your mom! It can definitely be difficult when you just want someone to listen, and they want to give advice. 

[Bethany]

It's a little hard reading posts about mothers who overstep their bounds.  I'm the mom who wants to fix things and who has a hard time listening to a litany of complaints without offering my own perspective (otherwise known as telling your kid what to do).  But I've also been the daughter who wanted my own mom to just listen to me and say things like "there, there, they're all a bad lot" and pat me on the shoulder.

My point - relationships are hard and the mother child one is probably the hardest one to get right.

Edited January 15, 2023 by Elizabeth Anne

[theredhead77]

10 minutes ago, Elizabeth Anne said:

My point - relationships are hard and the mother child one is probably the hardest one to get right.

Indeed. It's up to both parties to voice their needs and express what they want and the other party to respect that. Neither party is a mind-reader.

Obviously, this doesn't apply to abusive or situation hat warrant going low or no contact

[Bethany]

2 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

I had a video call with my sister yesterday and tried to do the same. Mostly she just wants to talk about people I’ve never met, so I just have to let her ramble on

This is me with my sister-in-law.  I'm not sure how it happened that I get to be the one to call her and receive calls from her and not her own brother but there you go.  Anyway for fun when I talk to her I sometimes time how long we can go with her doing all the talking and me saying (at most) "hmmm" and "ok".  19 minutes is our personal best so far. 

And I wonder if she is related to your sister because I can't call to tell her anything that has happened within our family, good or bad, without having to listen to her talk on and on about how the same thing happened to her neighbour's second cousin's best friend.   I have chosen to be amused by this.  Just.

[Mindthinkr]

This discussion reminds me of something that happened last night. I posted it in another thread. Reading all of your opinions makes me think that maybe I was wrong to talk to her about it. I certainly didn’t think her answers would make me depressed or make my eyes leak. I expected (yes, silly me, I should have known better) her to say something along the lines of “Gee, that’s bad (or a shame)”. She was harsh and wanted to know what was wrong with me for not taking in my sick granddaughter. Now all I feel is guilt and shame. 
 

Mindthinkr

2 hours ago

I am questioning myself and hope that y’all can tell me the truth. My daughter hurt her knee roller skating Thursday and thinks she damaged her ACL. So yesterday my granddaughter came home from staying at her other Grandmother’s house with a 103 fever. Daughter took her to Urgent Care where she tested positive for both Covid and the flu. Obviously I told her that I’d be happy to shop and drop off food or meals (she lives over a hour away). My friend came over to get her mail (she has got a new place in January, but only now did a change of address). She admonished me for not offering to go pick my granddaughter up, bring her to my house and take care of her until she is well again. 
   The reason I didn’t offer is that I have had 4 surgeries since September and have been on antibiotics a lot. I was advised against getting the booster for Covid until I healed (their rationale was that I needed my immunity system to get me healed and healthy again). I’m just now starting to feel well, but still losing weight. I ate 4 meals yesterday and weighed in at 79 lbs today. I’m scared that the flu could kill me. Same for Covid as I have lung issues as well. Am I being selfish not going up and bringing her down here to take care of? 

[Mondrianyone]

What the hell business is it of hers?

Please just take care of yourself.

[stewedsquash]

You are not selfish under the circumstances above or even if you had no medical issues of your own and decided to not be in contact with flu/covid from your granddaughter. 

You have a terrible friend. You should ditch her. 
 

[shapeshifter]

12 minutes ago, Mindthinkr said:

This discussion reminds me of something that happened last night. I posted it in another thread. Reading all of your opinions makes me think that maybe I was wrong to talk to her about it. I certainly didn’t think her answers would make me depressed or make my eyes leak. I expected (yes, silly me, I should have known better) her to say something along the lines of “Gee, that’s bad (or a shame)”. She was harsh and wanted to know what was wrong with me for not taking in my sick granddaughter. Now all I feel is guilt and shame. 
 

Mindthinkr

2 hours ago

I am questioning myself and hope that y’all can tell me the truth. My daughter hurt her knee roller skating Thursday and thinks she damaged her ACL. So yesterday my granddaughter came home from staying at her other Grandmother’s house with a 103 fever. Daughter took her to Urgent Care where she tested positive for both Covid and the flu. Obviously I told her that I’d be happy to shop and drop off food or meals (she lives over a hour away). My friend came over to get her mail (she has got a new place in January, but only now did a change of address). She admonished me for not offering to go pick my granddaughter up, bring her to my house and take care of her until she is well again. 
   The reason I didn’t offer is that I have had 4 surgeries since September and have been on antibiotics a lot. I was advised against getting the booster for Covid until I healed (their rationale was that I needed my immunity system to get me healed and healthy again). I’m just now starting to feel well, but still losing weight. I ate 4 meals yesterday and weighed in at 79 lbs today. I’m scared that the flu could kill me. Same for Covid as I have lung issues as well. Am I being selfish not going up and bringing her down here to take care of? 

First, @Mindthinkr, I hope you have really started to take a turn for the better.
As a stage 4 cancer survivor, unplanned weight loss always concerns me, whether in myself or others.
I too have lost weight with my current illness, but I'm still within the recommended BMI amount, which it does not seem you are.😞

I can only assume that your friend is either not really anyone's friend (although you may be a friend to her) or she was distracted and somehow did not hear or observe what was really going on. 

Or, perhaps like my sister, your friend is in the habit of listening to a person's situation, applying it themselves, and then telling that person what they should do based on what she would do in her strong, healthy body, with perhaps more resources than you have.

Regardless, just don't respond to her calls or texts, at least while you're still struggling with your health. If she comes over unannounced, don't go to the door. If she leaves some food for you, you can certainly text a brief "than you," but no more. Not now. 

And here I am doling out way too much advice myself.

[PRgal]

Take care of yourself, @Mindthinkr!  My mom masks pretty much everywhere - even outdoors - since she doesn't want COVID (Mom is 74).  Your health is more important.  Does your daughter know that you were told your immune system might not be in tip top shape and that you could get sick easily?  And that being sick for you might not be the same as being sick for her or your granddaughter?  

[Mindthinkr]

19 minutes ago, PRgal said:

Take care of yourself, @Mindthinkr!  My mom masks pretty much everywhere - even outdoors - since she doesn't want COVID (Mom is 74).  Your health is more important.  Does your daughter know that you were told your immune system might not be in tip top shape and that you could get sick easily?  And that being sick for you might not be the same as being sick for her or your granddaughter?  

Yes, which is why she hasn’t asked me for a thing. 

 

20 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

Or, perhaps like my sister, your friend is in the habit of listening to a person's situation, applying it themselves, and then telling that person what they should do based on what she would do in her strong, healthy body, with perhaps more resources than you have.

I think you just got Bingo. 

[oliviabenson]

4 hours ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

I’m plus sized now (lost weight a few years ago before COVID and gained most of it back) and a lot of consignment shops don’t have much available in my size range. I will try but am not expecting much success. 

If you do move to NYC go to dress for success. It’s free. 

https://dressforsuccess.org/

I’d contact them before going to see if they have your size.

I see they have locations in PA too.

[oliviabenson]

1 hour ago, Mindthinkr said:

This discussion reminds me of something that happened last night. I posted it in another thread. Reading all of your opinions makes me think that maybe I was wrong to talk to her about it. I certainly didn’t think her answers would make me depressed or make my eyes leak. I expected (yes, silly me, I should have known better) her to say something along the lines of “Gee, that’s bad (or a shame)”. She was harsh and wanted to know what was wrong with me for not taking in my sick granddaughter. Now all I feel is guilt and shame. 
 

Mindthinkr

2 hours ago

I am questioning myself and hope that y’all can tell me the truth. My daughter hurt her knee roller skating Thursday and thinks she damaged her ACL. So yesterday my granddaughter came home from staying at her other Grandmother’s house with a 103 fever. Daughter took her to Urgent Care where she tested positive for both Covid and the flu. Obviously I told her that I’d be happy to shop and drop off food or meals (she lives over a hour away). My friend came over to get her mail (she has got a new place in January, but only now did a change of address). She admonished me for not offering to go pick my granddaughter up, bring her to my house and take care of her until she is well again. 
   The reason I didn’t offer is that I have had 4 surgeries since September and have been on antibiotics a lot. I was advised against getting the booster for Covid until I healed (their rationale was that I needed my immunity system to get me healed and healthy again). I’m just now starting to feel well, but still losing weight. I ate 4 meals yesterday and weighed in at 79 lbs today. I’m scared that the flu could kill me. Same for Covid as I have lung issues as well. Am I being selfish not going up and bringing her down here to take care of? 

Ditch her. She is not a good friend.

[theredhead77]

1 hour ago, oliviabenson said:

If you do move to NYC go to dress for success. It’s free. 

https://dressforsuccess.org/

I’d contact them before going to see if they have your size.

I see they have locations in PA too.

I hate to be a bubble burster, @Cloud9Shopperbut Dress for Success isn't open to the general public. Their client based is referred from support and social service agencies. Call your local chapter to be sure but I would hate for your to get your hopes up for free clothing when you may not be eligible.

[isalicat]

18 hours ago, PRgal said:

These adults have jobs.  They just get extra money from their family.  The elder generation giving the money expects that to be invested/donated to a good cause or perhaps to help with a down payment or their mortgage.  Nothing wrong with a trust fund or inheritance. 

Then there is no problem! I totally agree with you that there is nothing wrong with a trust fund or inheritance and look forward to leaving one for my son some day, God willing.

[PRgal]

I told my mom the clothes she buys for my son are ugly and can’t be worn in public.  But she was like “they’re not cheap!”  I think she overindulged him sometimes.  She really shouldn’t be getting him clothes beyond, say, something cultural for Lunar New Year.  Or if I ask her to get something (using my money).  I seriously think she thinks she’s dressing me.  The clothes look like better versions of clothes children wore in the 80s. 

[shapeshifter]

5 hours ago, PRgal said:

told my mom the clothes she buys for my son are ugly and can’t be worn in public

LOL, I think the same about the clothes my daughter buys for my grandson, but it’s not my place to say anything.
IDK. Even when he starts walking (any moment now) and then the woven shirts won’t bunch up so much around the shoulders and neck, what’s with all the plaid?
And denim jeans on a droopy-drawered, diaper-padded toddler? 
With his bare tummy exposed to drafts in the northern winter because the shirts never stay tucked?
Forget fashion. Knits just seem so much more functional and comfortable. 
But I’d rather see cute prints than plaid. 
IDK. Maybe the plaid is a disguise for the neighbors’ benefit. 
But with a seemingly endless supply of hand-me-downs from his Dad’s large extended family, plus the clothes my daughter enjoys buying, I probably shouldn’t buy him any clothes.

Well. Maybe one outfit. 
 

[theredhead77]

80/90s fashion, including plaid is having its resurgence. My friend dresses her 3 y/o in the cutest jeans and flannels pairing them with cute little black boots to complete the "90s" look. The daughter also loves tutus so she's usually wearing something sparkly over her pants. It's adorable.

[Cloud9Shopper]

I told my family a long time ago to stop buying me clothes for presents. I’d rather have the money to pick out my own…so many things I got that I never wore. 

[PRgal]

58 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

80/90s fashion, including plaid is having its resurgence. My friend dresses her 3 y/o in the cutest jeans and flannels pairing them with cute little black boots to complete the "90s" look. The daughter also loves tutus so she's usually wearing something sparkly over her pants. It's adorable.

No, not 90s.  Not the good stuff.  80s.  Like circa 1983-1984 (when I was four).  

[RealHousewife]

6 hours ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

I told my family a long time ago to stop buying me clothes for presents. I’d rather have the money to pick out my own…so many things I got that I never wore. 

Agree. I’ve never loved the idea of gifting clothing. Something might be gorgeous but not flattering on me. 

[Cloud9Shopper]

Minor victory in that I was able to shut my mom down really quickly when she asked me if a potential employer discussing benefits with me is a good sign. I said maybe but none of it matters unless I get an offer, and I think she got the hint because all she said was “exactly.” I also made sure she knew I was told that the firm was conducting interviews for the rest of the week and into next week so she wouldn’t bug me about it.

Now…if only she’d stop trying to talk me out of the radio ad sales job I‘m going for. I do understand her concerns that sales is hard and this particular branch of sales involves travel, but I tried to tell her that introverts can be successful in sales and hey maybe I’ll LIKE it! I had a seasonal fundraising/sales job for four years and while it wasn’t like prestigious or made me rich I enjoyed it and learned good lessons from it. I think she really wants me to get the New York-based job, but at the end of the day, I need to keep shutting her down when she starts pushing and remind her it’s my career and life, not hers. 

[theredhead77]

1 hour ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

I was able to shut my mom down really quickly when she asked me if a potential employer discussing benefits with me is a good sign.

Good for you. The answer these days is "no, typically phone screens discuss salary and benefits to ensure both parties are playing in the same chapter of the book".

 

1 hour ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

I need to keep shutting her down when she starts pushing and remind her it’s my career and life, not hers. 

Exactly.

[Cloud9Shopper]

5 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

Good for you. The answer these days is "no, typically phone screens discuss salary and benefits to ensure both parties are playing in the same chapter of the book".

I like that phrase, “the same chapter of the book.” May borrow it in the future. 

I kind of had to laugh just now even though I didn’t at the time. When I told my mom that tomorrow the New York job should get back to me with the time of the interview and the names of the panelists for Thursday, she said “Wow they really aren’t messing around!” I’m like…uh that’s basic job interview etiquette from the employer? It doesn’t mean anything special about my candidacy. 🤣🙄 Imagine an employer who didn’t tell you what time to show up or who to ask for. Come on Mom, really? 

I think she so badly wants me to get this job (and talk me out of accepting others if I get any other offers) that she means well but is instead reading into every little thing and acting like I’m the only finalist, like the employer is going to be like “hey the job is totally yours as long as you don’t blow this.” Oh well. A lot of my older family just doesn’t get job hunting or the modern market. 

[RealHousewife]

24 minutes ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

A lot of my older family just doesn’t get job hunting or the modern market. 

A lot of older people don't realize how hard it can be to get certain jobs without a degree or they think you just need to take a few classes if you do have a degree but want to go down a different path. 

One of my friends gets judged a lot by his grandmother. He didn't go to college after high school, when I think he would have qualified for financial assistance. He went back to school older. His grandmother judges him for still living at home at 30 and not having a well-paying job yet. School/rent/life are all expensive, and imo the fact he juggles school and work and does help his mom with bills shows he's not entitled/lazy. The older generations often think well-paid jobs are easy to come by or that just any job will pay the rent. 

 

 

[Cloud9Shopper]

7 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

A lot of older people don't realize how hard it can be to get certain jobs without a degree or they think you just need to take a few classes if you do have a degree but want to go down a different path. 

One of my friends gets judged a lot by his grandmother. He didn't go to college after high school, when I think he would have qualified for financial assistance. He went back to school older. His grandmother judges him for still living at home at 30 and not having a well-paying job yet. School/rent/life are all expensive, and imo the fact he juggles school and work and does help his mom with bills shows he's not entitled/lazy. The older generations often think well-paid jobs are easy to come by or that just any job will pay the rent. 

 

 

Oh I got judged for living at home a few years back…when I was working at a call center that didn’t even pay $15 an hour. The people I worked with would say passive aggressive things like “well my daughter and her husband just bought a house” or “My daughter just graduated college and she’s already out on her own with a job in her field” or “My kids are being kicked out when they turn 18.” It was a toxic environment anyway but the amount of people happy to cut me down because their kids were in so much better shape than me said a lot about them. 

My dad who has been with one company his whole career was asking me why I don’t think people stay long at jobs anymore. He couldn’t fathom that most employers don’t give you growth opportunities and decent raises to encourage you to stick around and how disposable you are. Being laid off two weeks before Christmas made me realize that employers just don’t care about you unless you make a ton of money in management. (Everyone in management at my old firm got to keep their jobs and paralegals and other support staff were on the layoff list.) It really changed the way I feel about work and the flexibility employers do or don’t give. 

[ginger90]

56 minutes ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

It really changed the way I feel about work and the flexibility employers do or don’t give. 

What flexibility would be a plus, for you?

[theredhead77]

1 hour ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

Being laid off two weeks before Christmas made me realize that employers just don’t care about you unless you make a ton of money in management.

They don't care about you, period. Most companies do layoffs in December to have impact on the next budget.  People in sales or management (or those with high salaries) aren't safe, either.  Companies aren't your friend.

Is this your first time being laid off?

[Cloud9Shopper]

Nope. I was laid off from my first job out of college. But that was in 2008 and I was a customer service rep. Hadn’t even been at the job six months so it’s not even on my resume anymore. 

At the time, I remember the people to be laid off were chosen at random by a computer. I had a friend in the company who was a programmer or something like that and his name came up on the list too. I don’t think job title or anything played into it; just whose number was drawn. 

26 minutes ago, ginger90 said:

What flexibility would be a plus, for you?

I would prefer a hybrid encouraged model or fully remote. Or maybe a company that required limited visits to the office. I’m up for a job now (no offer yet; the final interview is this week) that would require three days in office and does not allow fully remote work. I’d have to commute 2.5 hours each way until I could move so I’m hoping to get something else so I don’t have to drain myself every week. If I absolutely have to be on site frequently I’m more tolerant of local commuting. 

[RealHousewife]

My sister is very understanding (a little too much so) when it comes to her boyfriend’s mental health and lack of $ due to no job for several years.

On the other hand, she has never cared about my mental health issues that stole much of my life, that our parents never got me help as a kid (unlike his) and she thinks just because I have a job that I should say yes to all the expensive stuff she wants to do. She likes to pressure me to do all these expensive things-trips, music festivals, concerts, etc. I can afford some of it, but I do not make her kind of money. I don’t own a home yet either. She’ll try to pressure me into going to things I don’t even have a big interest in and makes me feel like this huge party pooper when I say no to anything.