AgathaC February 13 Share February 13 10 hours ago, Ancaster said: Well adjusted children (and adults) have real, tangible friends that they see in person, even if it's only once a year or over some kind of social media that shows an actual person. And he says he has "friends"? Isn't that a red flag for you? It has been, yes. We think it’s odd they don’t hang out, but my understanding is that’s not unheard of these days. He occasionally stays later at school to go to basketball games and he talks to them on the phone. 10 hours ago, shapeshifter said: Since the "stick" approach doesn't seem to work with regards to changing habitual behavior or his attitude, are there "carrots" you've tried? I don't know why I'm thinking of this, but I'm imagining just you and SS going to a comedy club as a treat after you catch him doing some good deed, like maybe putting a dish in the dishwasher. I've never been to a comedy club, and I don't know if folks are cheered up by them, but he sounds clinically depressed. We have tried the carrot. And that’s his mom’s preferred method (hence paying for grades). It doesn’t work. His attitude is more that he’s going to do and get whatever he wants regardless. 3 hours ago, EtheltoTillie said: I have resisted weighing in on this situation for a while, but I think this child has very substantial psychiatric issues, depression and possibly personality disorder issues, which are the hardest to treat. I say this with knowledge of families who have had to deal with the same things, so my armchair diagnoses are based on close observations of and lengthy involvement with friends' and relatives' families, and/or clients with disabled children. I don't know how or if you can navigate this easily with a two-household situation--it's hard enough with one household. But I don't think these suggestions of behavior modification are of much value here. More investigation and testing is probably needed. Oh, it’s something I’ve considered and I agree. I think a PD (or a developing one) is a distinct possibility. I’ve done a lot of research over the years. My therapist (I see one once a month for maintenance) agrees and says children who are spoiled and indulged as much as SS has been frequently develop dopamine overload. It’s like with addictions. Tolerance builds to the point they just don’t get excited about anything. Regardless, the result of the way he’s been treated: Utter lack of accountability or responsibility. Seeming lack of empathy. entitlement in the extreme. Lack of work ethic or endurance. He’s used to instant gratification. If something requires time or effort, he just gives up. I hate it for him. He really has every possible advantage. But any potential is being totally squandered. And he’s not growing to be the kind of person anyone will want to be around. Mr A definitely shares some of the blame. He could and should have handled things differently. But any attempt he makes to teach lessons is undermined the second SS goes to his mom’s. 6 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8579898
Ancaster February 13 Share February 13 8 hours ago, AgathaC said: Mr A definitely shares some of the blame. He could and should have handled things differently. But any attempt he makes to teach lessons is undermined the second SS goes to his mom’s. There's no reason why routines/expectations/discipline etc have to be the same at both locations. The kid is obviously not stupid; after all he's learned how to manipulate both parents. Children/parents/adults/pets actually thrive on order within reason. Set some ground rules for yourself and communicate them to your partner. 4 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8580262
PRgal February 14 Share February 14 Met with my son's teachers today. I decided to meet with the specialists (i.e. art, music, gym, French) in addition to his regular classroom teacher. They're all saying the same thing. He works well independently but not necessarily in groups. He also tends to be stimulated/distracted when sitting with his BFFs. The Bug Bros are probably going to be split up next year. I asked about ADHD, but the teachers all say that they really don't flag for testing until Grade 2 since Grade 1 brains are still getting used to a more structured environment. 2 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8580360
Ancaster February 14 Share February 14 On 1/27/2025 at 5:08 AM, PRgal said: This was one of my favourite books growing up. I’ve read it to my son and asked him if he thought Frances was silly. He said yes and said he ate lots of different things (yep, just not that much protein. Still hesitant to give him kid protein drinks since they’re usually loaded with sugar). I'm 99% vegetarian and eat a lot of Fage Greek yoghurt; it's packed with protein and tastes great (much better than other brands). 1 1 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8580525
AgathaC February 14 Share February 14 14 hours ago, Ancaster said: There's no reason why routines/expectations/discipline etc have to be the same at both locations. The kid is obviously not stupid; after all he's learned how to manipulate both parents. Children/parents/adults/pets actually thrive on order within reason. Set some ground rules for yourself and communicate them to your partner. Agreed. And we do have rules in place that Mr A and I both agree on. SS, however, frequently breaks them when it suits him. We’ve yet to find anything that works to get him to actually follow the rules even half the time. Anyway, I suppose it’s a good thing we at least try. Can’t imagine how horrible he might be if there was no one legitimately trying to provide structure and hold him accountable. 3 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8580696
Ancaster February 14 Share February 14 (edited) 1 hour ago, AgathaC said: Agreed. And we do have rules in place that Mr A and I both agree on. SS, however, frequently breaks them when it suits him. We’ve yet to find anything that works to get him to actually follow the rules even half the time. Anyway, I suppose it’s a good thing we at least try. Can’t imagine how horrible he might be if there was no one legitimately trying to provide structure and hold him accountable. This book wasn't new when my kids were little (they're in their 30s now), but I found Children: The Challenge by Rudolph Dreikurs very helpful. I see a co-author is now listed so I'm guessing it's been updated (I remember finding a couple of ideas outdated even back then). I remember it as straightforward and no-nonsense, with helpful and practical suggestions. Good luck; I hope you and your husband can find some solutions so your time with your stepson isn't so fraught and unpleasant. (One question - do you eat meals together? Even if his mother lets him have free range of the kitchen/fridge it doesn't mean you have to, and shared meals are A Good Thing.) Edited February 14 by Ancaster 5 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8580764
AgathaC February 14 Share February 14 13 minutes ago, Ancaster said: This book wasn't new when my kids were little (they're in their 30s now), but I found Children: The Challenge by Rudolph Dreikurs very helpful. I see a co-author is now listed so I'm guessing it's been updated (I remember finding a couple of ideas outdated even back then). I remember it as straightforward and no-nonsense, with helpful and practical suggestions. Good luck; I hope you and your husband can find some solutions so your time with your stepson isn't so fraught and unpleasant. (One question - do you eat meals together? Even if his mother lets him have free range of the kitchen/fridge it doesn't mean you have to, and shared meals are A Good Thing.) We do. Always have. And we either watch TV/a movie or play a game after. No clue how meals work at his mom’s, except they get a lot more takeout as she’s not much of a cook. Mr A and I both enjoy cooking and try to eat healthy, so we don’t eat out nearly as much (which is apparently a gripe of his). It’s not that we never do it — maybe once a week when he’s here or we’ll make burgers or pizza at home. But it’s not a regular thing. 3 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8580782
shapeshifter February 15 Share February 15 9 hours ago, Ancaster said: (One question - do you eat meals together? Even if his mother lets him have free range of the kitchen/fridge it doesn't mean you have to, and shared meals are A Good Thing.) 9 hours ago, AgathaC said: We do. Always have. And we either watch TV/a movie or play a game after. That sounds so much better than most households! Today in the grocery store I was very troubled by a mother yelling really loudly at her 2 young kids who she was pushing in one of those larger baskets for small children: "What is wrong with you? You're going to get a lot of timeout when we get home!" The kids were both crying. It did occur to me that maybe one was teething (2-year molars?) and bit the other one, so perhaps her reaction was understandable. But I was still more afraid this was a case of an overwhelmed mother who was abusive and wondered if this was a "See something; say something" situation. But then I saw her a little while later in another aisle with them talking to them in a more nurturing way. I'm not saying yelling like that at your kids is okay, but she didn't say they were going to be hit; just a timeout. Yet I still wonder if it was a cry for help too. But I didn't say anything. I'm a frail little old lady. But I did want to ask her if she was okay. 4 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8581250
Dimity February 15 Share February 15 3 minutes ago, shapeshifter said: "What is wrong with you? You're going to get a lot of timeout when we get home!" The kids were both crying. It did occur to me that maybe one was teething (2-year molars?) and bit the other one, so perhaps her reaction was understandable. I'd have to wonder how you do a time out for a 2 yr old. 2 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8581262
PRgal February 15 Share February 15 Though the school doesn't feel it's necessary to get my son evaluated for ADHD. I'm beginning to think he should. We sent him to a one day camp today since schools were closed. When I went to pick him up, I was told by one of the counsellors that he was a bit distracted while the group was crossing the street and he could have been hit by a car. Being distracted isn't unusual for him - we see it ourselves at home and we always remind him that there are times to wear the "serious hat" and others where he can be silly and wear the "silly hat." Needless to say, we were pretty upset. He seems to shrug it off, which bothers me a bit. And I'm worried that this is beginning to impact his social life. The teachers keep on telling me that he's a very bright child and can go far. He just needs to limit the silliness and to focus. Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8581274
Absolom February 15 Share February 15 How old is he again? Six? Some six year old boys just need a year or two to mature. It's amazing to watch second graders as they turn from young children to the more able to concentrate and more mature 8 year olds. They shift before your eyes in a week or two sometimes. Currently there is a six year old boy living next door. Sometimes he's all put together and other days he's a space cadet. He may have a bit of ADHD or he could just need a little more time to mature. Does he have some activities he likes to do where he can concentrate on his own for twenty minutes to half an hour? 6 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8581391
Mindthinkr February 15 Share February 15 11 hours ago, Dimity said: I'd have to wonder how you do a time out for a 2 yr old. I remember watching a show that said you time out a child the same amount as their age. So a 2 yr old would have a 2 minute time out. Something along the lines of sitting on a step or chair that’s isolated so that they can’t play with toys or interact with other children. 3 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8581542
PRgal February 15 Share February 15 15 hours ago, Absolom said: How old is he again? Six? Some six year old boys just need a year or two to mature. It's amazing to watch second graders as they turn from young children to the more able to concentrate and more mature 8 year olds. They shift before your eyes in a week or two sometimes. Currently there is a six year old boy living next door. Sometimes he's all put together and other days he's a space cadet. He may have a bit of ADHD or he could just need a little more time to mature. Does he have some activities he likes to do where he can concentrate on his own for twenty minutes to half an hour? My son? He's six and in Grade 1. The teachers say he's doing very well academically, but is easily distracted (though they've all seen improvement since the fall). Piano lessons have helped a lot! I asked the teachers if they thought he was bored, but they don't seem to think so. He works well independently but has trouble when it comes to group work. 2 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8581774
shapeshifter February 15 Share February 15 1 hour ago, PRgal said: My son? He's six and in Grade 1. The teachers say he's doing very well academically, but is easily distracted (though they've all seen improvement since the fall). Piano lessons have helped a lot! I asked the teachers if they thought he was bored, but they don't seem to think so. He works well independently but has trouble when it comes to group work. Do regular checkups these days include evaluations for vision and hearing? Just like I'm sure my oldest daughter couldn't see past the pages of the books she taught herself to read at 4, I'm sure I needed glasses for nearsightedness long before 5th grade. Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8581810
PRgal February 15 Share February 15 25 minutes ago, shapeshifter said: Do regular checkups these days include evaluations for vision and hearing? Just like I'm sure my oldest daughter couldn't see past the pages of the books she taught herself to read at 4, I'm sure I needed glasses for nearsightedness long before 5th grade. He has an optometrist and has been wearing glasses for almost three years. He hasn’t had a hearing test yet but I will speak to his pediatrician about getting one. 4 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8581828
Absolom February 16 Share February 16 21 hours ago, PRgal said: My son? He's six and in Grade 1. The teachers say he's doing very well academically, but is easily distracted (though they've all seen improvement since the fall). Piano lessons have helped a lot! I asked the teachers if they thought he was bored, but they don't seem to think so. He works well independently but has trouble when it comes to group work. Six year olds who are easily distracted are not shocking. If he stays in his seat and isn't disrupting others it's a little early to be overly concerned. If he's getting up and messing with things in the classroom or disturbing other students, then that needs to be addressed. 6 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8582285
PRgal February 16 Share February 16 1 hour ago, Absolom said: Six year olds who are easily distracted are not shocking. If he stays in his seat and isn't disrupting others it's a little early to be overly concerned. If he's getting up and messing with things in the classroom or disturbing other students, then that needs to be addressed. He was playing rough with several of the boys. I don't even know who started it, but he seems to do well separated from the boys who tend to play that way. There was also one kid who was his BFF all last year and part of this year who really DOES have a distraction issue (can't sit as still as other kids in the class). Having him sit away from said child has helped him! Piano has too. And it's beginning to help him use his hands better as well. For a while, I mostly ignored the fact that he used his hands to eat a lot, but I'm beginning to worry, especially after his art teacher asked me if he is doing any OT. I was hoping that piano would help him use his fingers/hands a bit better, but I remember being able to hold chords well at his age. And my hands were (and still are) on the small side. He has trouble playing triads. 5 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8582339
isalicat February 18 Share February 18 On 2/16/2025 at 11:05 AM, PRgal said: He was playing rough with several of the boys. I don't even know who started it, but he seems to do well separated from the boys who tend to play that way. There was also one kid who was his BFF all last year and part of this year who really DOES have a distraction issue (can't sit as still as other kids in the class). Having him sit away from said child has helped him! Piano has too. And it's beginning to help him use his hands better as well. For a while, I mostly ignored the fact that he used his hands to eat a lot, but I'm beginning to worry, especially after his art teacher asked me if he is doing any OT. I was hoping that piano would help him use his fingers/hands a bit better, but I remember being able to hold chords well at his age. And my hands were (and still are) on the small side. He has trouble playing triads. Just a little advice: Don't compare your son to yourself at the same age (he is not a mini-you, or a mini version of your husband or anyone else either). And remember he is a *boy* and they are much more physically active naturally, in my experience raising a son and from what most educators observe, than his classroom setting may accomodate. 5 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8584726
AgathaC February 23 Share February 23 I’m no expert, but my understanding is that it’s not at all uncommon for boys to have some difficulty adjusting to the traditional school setting early on. In general, they naturally have more energy. Stepson had behavior problems in kindergarten and into first grade, but by second grade, he had better self control. The boy-girl difference is real. (Again, not true of every single child.) I’ll never forget overhearing my dad talking to a cousin about how he felt that his first grandchild was a boy after having five daughters. He said “I never would have had five boys. My girls would sit in my lap and let me read to them or sit and play with a toy. Boys throw things!” He loves my nephew, but really is the ultimate girl dad. And granddad, because he now has five granddaughters. 1 1 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8588771
shapeshifter February 23 Share February 23 3 hours ago, AgathaC said: after having five daughters.…He loves my nephew, but really is the ultimate girl dad. And granddad, because he now has five granddaughters. That sure is a lot of girls! LOL I was one of 2 daughters. Then my sister had a daughter and I had 3 daughters. And now my youngest daughter (the only one who is having kids) has 2 toddler boys. My little grandsons have 11 cousins nearby through their Dad's extended family, and 10 of them are boys. I'm in my 70s and just now learning about boys. I have a lot of fun with them. They sure are energetic. 6 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8588874
PRgal February 23 Share February 23 7 minutes ago, AgathaC said: I’m no expert, but my understanding is that it’s not at all uncommon for boys to have some difficulty adjusting to the traditional school setting early on. In general, they naturally have more energy. Stepson had behavior problems in kindergarten and into first grade, but by second grade, he had better self control. The boy-girl difference is real. (Again, not true of every single child.) I’ll never forget overhearing my dad talking to a cousin about how he felt that his first grandchild was a boy after having five daughters. He said “I never would have had five boys. My girls would sit in my lap and let me read to them or sit and play with a toy. Boys throw things!” He loves my nephew, but really is the ultimate girl dad. And granddad, because he now has five granddaughters. Most of the other boys in his class are better at sitting still from what's being communicated to parents. He IS young for his grade, however. And an only child. I think my guy also thinks reading fiction is a chore because he always wants to take off to get water or go to the bathroom! But I want him to enjoy fiction, especially childhood classics like the Henry or Fudge books. We ARE on a wait list for an OT eval (for possible functional and/or sensory issues since he likes eating with his hands. He can't/won't say WHY he likes eating non-finger foods that way though. We had pancakes recently and he attempted to eat it with a knife and fork, but ended up finishing it with fingers (I made him wash his hands after. I mean, syrup, right?)). We are also looking into speech language pathology since he's forgetting the "s" sound at the end of words and also doesn't realize he's not pronouncing the long a sound in words like cake and bake. He told his grandparents he had "pankicks" for brunch, for example. And that we "bicked" applesauce brownies. This is why I'm trying to get my parents to ONLY speak Cantonese with him when my husband isn't around. Saying "pankicks" is almost definitely from Hong Kong English. 3 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8588875
AgathaC February 24 Share February 24 4 hours ago, shapeshifter said: That sure is a lot of girls! LOL Oh definitely! It’s great, though. The only annoying thing was people assuming my parents were trying for a boy — or that my dad regretted not having a boy. He was pretty clear. He says “My first was a wonderful, easy, smart, fun girl. After that, I didn’t want anything else.” Girls really are more his speed. And all five daughters and five granddaughters adore him, so… 5 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8589340
AgathaC February 24 Share February 24 So I wrote about our issues with SS14 and his breaking our “no food or drink upstairs” rule. A week ago, I bought a bag of special Valentine’s Hershey’s Kisses (I sometimes like a bite of chocolate after lunch). I’d had about 5 in all. Yesterday, I went to grab one out of the pantry. The whole bag was gone. Ok, yeah, it was only a bag of chocolate. But it was my chocolate, damnit. I was livid. SSwent back to his mom’s yesterday morning so there’s nothing to be done about it until Sunday. Mr A was furious and exasperated. It’s not so much the candy. It’s part of a pattern — ignoring rules, taking things without asking, sneaking around. If he’d asked, I would have let him have some. His mom’s attitude is that “everynody lies” and “all kids sneak around and take stuff.” But she ignores the part where parents are supposed to teach them it’s wrong. Ugh. I just we could go a few weeks without this stuff being a problem. 7 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8589727
shapeshifter February 24 Share February 24 8 minutes ago, AgathaC said: So I wrote about our issues with SS14 and his breaking our “no food or drink upstairs” rule. A week ago, I bought a bag of special Valentine’s Hershey’s Kisses (I sometimes like a bite of chocolate after lunch). I’d had about 5 in all. Yesterday, I went to grab one out of the pantry. The whole bag was gone. Ok, yeah, it was only a bag of chocolate. But it was my chocolate, damnit. I was livid. SSwent back to his mom’s yesterday morning so there’s nothing to be done about it until Sunday. Mr A was furious and exasperated. It’s not so much the candy. It’s part of a pattern — ignoring rules, taking things without asking, sneaking around. If he’d asked, I would have let him have some. His mom’s attitude is that “everynody lies” and “all kids sneak around and take stuff.” But she ignores the part where parents are supposed to teach them it’s wrong. Ugh. I just we could go a few weeks without this stuff being a problem. Ugh is right. The chocolate!? Not the chocolate! My advice: Buy better quality chocolate. Hide it better. But more seriously, this may or may not give you hope for a brighter future: My youngest daughter is now 36. A few years ago she confessed to me that she took a $20 out of my purse on several occasions when she was in high school to buy snacks. I vaguely recall sometimes thinking I thought I had another $20 left, but it was not at a time in our lives when it would have impacted paying a bill on time or buying groceries. She has since more than repaid me. When she was in high school and it was just the 2 of us (her older sisters had moved out) several times I was annoyed when I wanted ice for some reason but the trays were empty. I assumed she had put empty trays back in the freezer. But after she went to college I discovered that the ice cubes were just evaporating. 3 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8589744
AgathaC February 24 Share February 24 22 minutes ago, shapeshifter said: Ugh is right. The chocolate!? Not the chocolate! My advice: Buy better quality chocolate. Hide it better. But more seriously, this may or may not give you hope for a brighter future: My youngest daughter is now 36. A few years ago she confessed to me that she took a $20 out of my purse on several occasions when she was in high school to buy snacks. I vaguely recall sometimes thinking I thought I had another $20 left, but it was not at a time in our lives when it would have impacted paying a bill on time or buying groceries. She has since more than repaid me. When she was in high school and it was just the 2 of us (her older sisters had moved out) several times I was annoyed when I wanted ice for some reason but the trays were empty. I assumed she had put empty trays back in the freezer. But after she went to college I discovered that the ice cubes were just evaporating. Oh, I’ll definitely be hiding it better from now on. (And I do like higher quality but occasionally grab a bag of a childhood fave.) I’d like to think someday he’ll apologize or recognize what he did wrong, but him sneaking and taking whatever he wants has been going on since he was preschool age. No change. And all Mr A’s punishments and talks go nowhere. His value system seems pretty set at “I want = I get.” 1 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8589767
PRgal February 24 Share February 24 @shapeshifter: Isn't that daughter around my age? $20 in the 90s was quite a bit and you could get A LOT of snacks with that money back then. I was given $20 a week to spend on lunch and save up. Lunch in the school cafeteria was $2.50 for a hot lunch and milk or $2 for a sandwich and milk. I'd have $10 left over if I didn't get snacks or eat off campus. 1 1 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8589844
shapeshifter February 24 Share February 24 (edited) 2 hours ago, PRgal said: @shapeshifter: Isn't that daughter around my age? $20 in the 90s was quite a bit and you could get A LOT of snacks with that money back then. I was given $20 a week to spend on lunch and save up. Lunch in the school cafeteria was $2.50 for a hot lunch and milk or $2 for a sandwich and milk. I'd have $10 left over if I didn't get snacks or eat off campus. No, the daughter your age is 10 years older. So this was in the 2000s. And it was for both school snacks from vending machines and after school snacks, which involved walking into town with wealthier friends to Starbucks… when I thought they were at the library. I didn't get home from work most days until 5:30. Edited February 24 by shapeshifter 1 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8589936
StatisticalOutlier February 25 Share February 25 (edited) On 2/24/2025 at 10:03 AM, AgathaC said: But it was my chocolate, damnit. Did he know this? When I was growing up, all of the food in the house was available for everybody. The only person-specific food we ever had I didn't get the full story on until I was an adult--whenever we'd have pork chops, one of them was set aside as my mother's special pork chop, which turned out to be a lamb chop. Talk about sneaky! Or are you mad because you're assuming he ate it upstairs? Edited Wednesday at 01:02 AM by StatisticalOutlier 3 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8590386
AgathaC February 25 Share February 25 8 hours ago, StatisticalOutlier said: Did he know this? When I was growing up, all of the food in the house was available for everybody. The only person-specific food we ever had I get the full story on until I was an adult--whenever we'd have pork chops, one of them was set aside as my mother's special pork chop, which turned out to be a lamb chop. Talk about sneaky! Or are you mad because you're assuming he ate it upstairs? He knew. The top shelf of the pantry is where Mr A and I put any special stuff and he knows he’s supposed to ask before taking anything from up there. I’m honestly not that mad about the chocolate. It’s the principle: He took without asking. He snuck around to do it. He took it upstairs to eat it. And chances are, he’ll lie about it, but I’ll save being mad about that until he does it. 4 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8590501
Dimity February 25 Share February 25 So we had the chance to spend Sunday with two of our grandchildren. Today my son called to let me know one of them is home from school because he was puking all night. Sigh. The neverending struggle between wanting to see the grands and wanting not to get sick with whatever the latest thing going around their school happens to be! 7 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8590802
Absolom Tuesday at 11:33 PM Share Tuesday at 11:33 PM I take zinc tablets before exposure to grandchildren usually. I take half a one a day for about a week beforehand and it has cut the illness rate by 2/3. It's especially helpful with colds and similar viruses. 1 2 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8590960
shapeshifter Wednesday at 02:43 AM Share Wednesday at 02:43 AM After I get home from being with the grandkids (or after they leave my place) I flush my sinuses with the Walgreens Squeeze Bottle Kit Sinus Wash, https://www.walgreens.com/store/c/walgreens-squeeze-bottle-kit-sinus-wash/ID=prod6363069-product It's kept me from catching whatever they have, but if they're vomiting, I'm not going to risk it. 3 hours ago, Absolom said: I take zinc tablets before exposure to grandchildren usually. I take half a one a day for about a week beforehand and it has cut the illness rate by 2/3. It's especially helpful with colds and similar viruses. My daily vitamin has 8mg. zinc? Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8591133
Absolom Wednesday at 05:28 AM Share Wednesday at 05:28 AM I checked and I take 25 mg in addition to regular vitamins for a week or two around the visit especially in winter. I may do 7 to 10 days before and a few days after the trip. I also do the nasal rinse with Simply Saline daily or twice a day at the first sign of sniffles in a grandchild and get super compulsive about handwashing. There's a real oddity though that if one of her kids gets strep throat I take care of them. I have good immunity to strep and she seemingly has none. I'm usually there for a few days so if vomiting begins, we try to isolate me from that kid and go to super handwashing protocols. 1 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8591247
shapeshifter Wednesday at 04:45 PM Share Wednesday at 04:45 PM My just-turned 3 grandson is able to skip already. Of course I'm sure that means he's headed for the Olympics. But I guess there's no Skipping competition. LOL. 11 hours ago, Absolom said: There's a real oddity though that if one of her kids gets strep throat I take care of them. I have good immunity to strep and she seemingly has none. I'm another who has never had strep throat, even though my sister had it every year and my kids had it every year. My pre-retirement boss was "immune" to it as well. 4 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8591523
isalicat Wednesday at 08:30 PM Share Wednesday at 08:30 PM On 2/25/2025 at 6:13 AM, AgathaC said: He knew. The top shelf of the pantry is where Mr A and I put any special stuff and he knows he’s supposed to ask before taking anything from up there. I’m honestly not that mad about the chocolate. It’s the principle: He took without asking. He snuck around to do it. He took it upstairs to eat it. And chances are, he’ll lie about it, but I’ll save being mad about that until he does it. And then what? It sounds like you and your husband are continuing to get angry about the boy breaking rules, but there are never any *real* consequences at either home, so he continues to break rules. Frankly, if this was my kid all privileges (i.e. all electronics - including gaming systems, cell phones, etc. etc. and all other things he liked) would be confiscated for some considerable time and some serious chores would be assigned (weeding, sweeping, cleaning the baseboards, you name it...) until considerable remorse and apologies were expressed by him and it was made clear that this would *never* occur again. 2 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8591773
meep.meep Wednesday at 11:43 PM Share Wednesday at 11:43 PM 6 hours ago, shapeshifter said: My just-turned 3 grandson is able to skip already. Of course I'm sure that means he's headed for the Olympics. But I guess there's no Skipping competition. LOL. My daughter was not going to be able to enter kindergarten because she couldn't skip! I never thought to teach her, I just thought all kids skipped. Kindergarten screening - where parenting gets real. 1 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8591939
shapeshifter Thursday at 12:13 AM Share Thursday at 12:13 AM 21 minutes ago, meep.meep said: My daughter was not going to be able to enter kindergarten because she couldn't skip! I never thought to teach her, I just thought all kids skipped. Kindergarten screening - where parenting gets real. Huh. Nowadays they say skipping is learned around 5-6, but could be later or earlier. I wonder if a teacher was overly attached to some activity that “required” skipping? 3 hours ago, isalicat said: And then what? It sounds like you and your husband are continuing to get angry about the boy breaking rules, but there are never any *real* consequences at either home, so he continues to break rules. Frankly, if this was my kid all privileges (i.e. all electronics - including gaming systems, cell phones, etc. etc. and all other things he liked) would be confiscated for some considerable time and some serious chores would be assigned (weeding, sweeping, cleaning the baseboards, you name it...) until considerable remorse and apologies were expressed by him and it was made clear that this would *never* occur again. In the 1930s, my father’s Russian Jewish immigrant mother dictated that no family members would speak to him for a week because he got a C in math. With 8 people living in a 2-bedroom apartment, it was enforceable. My mother thought that Silent Treatment was terrible, but that might be because she and her mother-in-law did not get along? Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8591970
Absolom Thursday at 01:01 AM Share Thursday at 01:01 AM Skipping is on the kindergarten evaluation. Not skipping doesn't mean the child can't go to kindergarten, it's just a skill that remains to be mastered before the end of the year. The evaluation is intended to see how much of the curriculum they already have mastered so the teacher knows what remains to be done. 2 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8592031
SoMuchTV Thursday at 01:12 AM Share Thursday at 01:12 AM I had no idea that skipping in and of itself was a basic milestone. I guess I figured if your friends skipped, you’d learn to skip. If your friends jumped rope, you’d learn that. If your friends played catch, you’d learn to throw and catch a ball. Is skipping somehow a stand in for some basic coordination skills? 2 1 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8592110
PRgal Thursday at 01:17 AM Share Thursday at 01:17 AM 1 hour ago, meep.meep said: My daughter was not going to be able to enter kindergarten because she couldn't skip! I never thought to teach her, I just thought all kids skipped. Kindergarten screening - where parenting gets real. They screen kids for skipping before they enter kindergarten? I thought it was picked up while in kindergarten (or preschool)? 57 minutes ago, shapeshifter said: In the 1930s, my father’s Russian Jewish immigrant mother dictated that no family members would speak to him for a week because he got a C in math. With 8 people living in a 2-bedroom apartment, it was enforceable. My mother thought that Silent Treatment was terrible, but that might be because she and her mother-in-law did not get along? If he had Chinese immigrant parents, then that's more than a fail, that's "you're dishonouring your long gone ancestors going back to Xia Dynasty*" fail. *According to Wikipedia, the Xia Dynasty is associated with the early Bronze Age (or could be a mythical dynasty that didn't really exist. There are no written documents) 1 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8592149
Mountainair Thursday at 01:44 AM Share Thursday at 01:44 AM As a Kindergarten Assistant I know for a fact that we don’t screen for skipping. I feel like when my oldest (15) was doing his screening they did but not anymore and it never mattered really in the grand scheme of things. It’s just to give a base idea of what level your kid is entering school at. Speaking of my 15 soon to be 16 year old- we went through the whole food debacle with him. Food in his room, eating all the snacks, etc… I even went so far as to put locks on the plastic storage containers that held the snacks which he promptly ripped off and stole all the snacks. Yes, he got in trouble, yes, there were consequences. I hide all my special snacks in a different spot every week so he won’t take them although I really don’t snack so that’s not an issue. My son goes through waves of thinking he’s fat and trying to starve himself to gorging himself on everything he sees. He is in therapy just so he has an outlet other than me and dad to talk to. I just don’t get that mad anymore about the food. If I get upset that certain snacks are gone (I have 2 other kids that want to eat too) I just stop buying them for a while. He’s a teenager and his eating is going to be all over the place. Yes, I expect him not to steal food but it’s just food. There are many worse things he could be taking from me (my alcohol for example, dad smokes so he could be doing that, etc). He keeps his room top notch clean, does his own laundry, etc. it’s a pick your battle type situation. 1 1 1 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8592283
AgathaC Thursday at 02:49 AM Share Thursday at 02:49 AM 6 hours ago, isalicat said: And then what? It sounds like you and your husband are continuing to get angry about the boy breaking rules, but there are never any *real* consequences at either home, so he continues to break rules. Frankly, if this was my kid all privileges (i.e. all electronics - including gaming systems, cell phones, etc. etc. and all other things he liked) would be confiscated for some considerable time and some serious chores would be assigned (weeding, sweeping, cleaning the baseboards, you name it...) until considerable remorse and apologies were expressed by him and it was made clear that this would *never* occur again. Oh, believe me, you and I are on the same page. I think he should have had major consequences over the years. Unfortunately, Mr A’s parents were super-strict and he never wanted to make his kid miserable. But there’s a balance he’s still looking for. I try to support but I learned not to push too much. At least he finally seems to be coming around on consequences, but I fear it’s too late. Obviously, not enough has been done over the years. But as far as apologies and remorse, I’m not holding my breath. I’ve known this kid nine years and have never heard the word “sorry.” Ever. No remorse. No guilt. Nothing. Mr A says his mom’s family is the same way — never apologize. Anyway, when he comes back, his phone and any other electronics are being confiscated and he’s getting a list of chores. 3 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8592577
Absolom Thursday at 02:53 AM Share Thursday at 02:53 AM It varies with the school system. Skipping is a marker of coordination and physical maturation. Again, they aren't really screening and it has nothing to do with getting into kindergarten. It's assessing what skills the child has against what the district expects by the end of kindergarten so they can monitor progress. A child who can't skip by the end of kindergarten should have a bit of thought as to whether the child has overall coordination issues and might benefit from extra services. 2 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8592595
meep.meep Thursday at 03:41 PM Share Thursday at 03:41 PM This was 30 years ago. There were many more items in the screening. My impression was that if your kid failed too many of them, they would strongly suggest that you hold them back a year before entering the school. I will never forget the teacher saying to me, "It's like she's rooted to the ground!" 1 1 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8592960
shapeshifter Thursday at 09:46 PM Share Thursday at 09:46 PM 6 hours ago, meep.meep said: I will never forget the teacher saying to me, "It's like she's rooted to the ground!" This sounds like one of those memories for which you really wish you could go back and respond with the right words. Like: Being grounded is a good thing. 😉 3 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8593213
Sharla Friday at 04:35 PM Share Friday at 04:35 PM On 2/27/2025 at 7:41 AM, meep.meep said: This was 30 years ago. There were many more items in the screening. My impression was that if your kid failed too many of them, they would strongly suggest that you hold them back a year before entering the school. I will never forget the teacher saying to me, "It's like she's rooted to the ground!" Just asking, but why bring it up if it was 30 years ago? Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8593830
shapeshifter Friday at 07:41 PM Share Friday at 07:41 PM 3 hours ago, Sharla said: Just asking, but why bring it up if it was 30 years ago? You weren't asking me, but now that I live close to my youngest daughter who now has 2 very young children, we often bring up parenting styles from 30 years ago. I guess it helps give perspective? 9 1 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8594016
meep.meep Friday at 11:06 PM Share Friday at 11:06 PM 6 hours ago, Sharla said: Just asking, but why bring it up if it was 30 years ago? Because Shapeshifter mentioned that her young grandson was already skipping. The 30 years comment was meant to indicate to the current educators that kindergarten screening may have been different then than now. 6 1 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8594177
StatisticalOutlier Saturday at 12:26 AM Share Saturday at 12:26 AM I was going to point out that I didn't even go to kindergarten, but then I realized that was 60 years ago. We did all kinds of crazy shit back then. 2 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8594248
PRgal Saturday at 01:25 AM Share Saturday at 01:25 AM (edited) 1 hour ago, StatisticalOutlier said: I was going to point out that I didn't even go to kindergarten, but then I realized that was 60 years ago. We did all kinds of crazy shit back then. Here in Ontario, a child technically doesn't have to go to kindergarten. The requirement is that a child has to be enrolled in school the year they turn six. ETA: If you did not enroll your child in a public or private school for kindergarten and you wish to homeschool, you don't actually have to notify the local schools. However, it's courteous to do so. I don't understand this part Quote My child is not registered and never attended public school. Do I need to send in a letter of intent? No. Since you have not registered your child with the school board, and your child does not attend school, the Education Act does not require you to notify any governmental body of your intent to homeschool. However, it is courteously respectful to send in written notification of your intent to homeschool if the school board contacts you and inquires about why your child is not attending school. Please see our questions on notices of intent to homeschool below. (from ontariohomeschool.org) ^^^ sounds sketchy, IMHO Edited Saturday at 01:30 AM by PRgal 1 Link to comment https://forums.primetimer.com/topic/25754-family-ties-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/page/58/#findComment-8594324
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