Family Ties: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

[PRgal]

2 hours ago, Mindthinkr said:

I feel terrible for my daughter. Her youngest has Covid, her oldest has Strep and she has a bad case of the flu. The middle son has the natural immunity of a bull. He remains healthy despite living in a house with all three of these illnesses. Her ex refuses to help in any way (get groceries, tote anyone to the Dr or drop off medications when his oldest needed a Rx filled). 

Groceries can probably be taken care of by online order, but meds and doctor's appointments?  Dude needs to start moving!

[Mindthinkr]

31 minutes ago, PRgal said:

Groceries can probably be taken care of by online order, but meds and doctor's appointments?  Dude needs to start moving!

The ex ended up having to take the oldest daughter to the Dr this am. Her gland was very swollen. So much so that she’s having a stat ultrasound on it Monday and they drew blood. She called him begging for help. My daughter is getting worse and I suspect she has Covid on top of the flu. She sees a Dr late this afternoon. I feel bad for all of them. 

[shapeshifter]

12 minutes ago, Mindthinkr said:

She called him begging for help.

Now that you mention this, it never occurred to me to ask for help.
(And it never occurred to him to offer.)
When we were still married, I remember getting up at midnight with pneumonia to wash dishes because at least the kids wouldn't be interrupting.
No wonder I finally "kicked him out" (locked him out) — I was too exhausted to have him coming in at 3am and waking me up.

My kids say he did wash dishes for his next wife. It was her second marriage, so maybe she knew better.

After the separation, I remember sitting on the floor in front of the pharmacy counter because I was too weak and sick to stand while waiting for the prescription for one of my kids. 

Don't Walgreens and CVS etc. deliver prescriptions now?

My daughter doesn't hesitate to ask her DH for help, but often the "ask" is more of a bark. I think she's working on that.

[Dimity]

9 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

Now that you mention this, it never occurred to me to ask for help.
(And it never occurred to him to offer.)

My sister's ex walked away after the marriage ended and never looked back.  But fortunately for her and her kids she lived near a large extended family who could step up as needed.  I realize that this is not something that is going to be true for everybody.  Not by a long shot.  

Anyway fast forward to the ex having to retire early due to health issues and he leans on the kids now for help and he is very fortunate that they are  far more forgiving than I would be.

Edited September 6 by Dimity

[Bastet]

9 hours ago, Mindthinkr said:

Her ex refuses to help in any way (get groceries, tote anyone to the Dr or drop off medications when his oldest needed a Rx filled). 

What a piece of shit.  Unless they divorced because she did something horrible to him, he should be able to interact with her on a humane level.  Even if she were the only one sick he should be helping with those things because she can't take care of the kids the way she normally does right now, so he should be stepping up to make sure they have what they need.  But that his children are sick, too, and he won't handle their doctor/pharmacy runs?  Oh, hell no.

6 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

My daughter doesn't hesitate to ask her DH for help, but often the "ask" is more of a bark. I think she's working on that.

The problem is that too many women have to ask their husbands in the first place, instead of the husbands simply functioning as grown people: Seeing a household/childcare task needs to be done, and fucking doing it.  That's a shared responsibility, not hers with which he magnanimously helps.

Edited September 6 by Bastet

[shapeshifter]

7 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

My daughter doesn't hesitate to ask her DH for help, but often the "ask" is more of a bark. I think she's working on that.

1 hour ago, Bastet said:

The problem is that too many women have to ask their husbands in the first place, instead of the husbands simply functioning as grown people: Seeing a household/childcare task needs to be done, and fucking doing it.  That's a shared responsibility, not hers with which he magnanimously helps.

Very true, but I don't think my daughter's husband quite fits that mold, probably because he and his sister stayed with their Dad when their mom moved in with her boyfriend/"work husband" over 20 years ago.
My son-in-law just doesn't always see things that need doing in addition to whatever he is doing. And he does do a lot of cooking, diapering, etc.
But, yeah. Sometimes he's just not looking at what needs to be done.
Then again, my daughter has always been "bossy."

My own Dad did a lot more than many, especially of that generation (he was born in 1923), though by no means "half" of childcare, but then again, Mom never mowed a lawn, whereas my daughter and son-in-law take turns, and actually both like doing it.
Hmmm. Maybe Dad did too?
He made baby formula when we were little, and would get up to deal with nightmares because Mom was too tired. He always made weekend breakfasts (and always cleaned up), and the last 40 years of their marriage he did all the cooking and dishes, even though he was still the main "breadwinner."
He loved to cook. Mom did not. 

 

Edited September 6 by shapeshifter

[Dimity]

I admit it's taken me awhile to smarten up about sharing household tasks etc.  My son does most of the cooking in their family for instance and the first time I heard I was a little surprised and thought 'so why isn't his wife doing that'.  I mean honest to god it never would have crossed my mind to say 'why isn't her husband doing that' if my daughter did most of the cooking and her husband didn't.  

[Bastet]

6 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

Then again, my daughter has always been "bossy."

If we lined up every girl/woman who'd been labeled "bossy" on one side and every boy/man who'd experienced the same on the other, the female side would collapse under its own weight.

[shapeshifter]

5 hours ago, Bastet said:

If we lined up every girl/woman who'd been labeled "bossy" on one side and every boy/man who'd experienced the same on the other, the female side would collapse under its own weight.

No doubt. 
Perhaps there’s another term for my youngest of 3 daughters?
Something that conveys:
So angrily assertive as to be ineffective?

[Mindthinkr]

16 hours ago, Bastet said:

What a piece of shit.  Unless they divorced because she did something horrible to him, he should be able to interact with her on a humane level

They divorced because he had a mistress for three years and refused to give her up. 
My daughter drove herself to see her physician yesterday. She has the flu, Covid, and pneumonia. I offered to go up there to take care of everyone, but she stated absolutely not. She said it would kill me (I have medical issues) and she didn’t want that on her conscience. I’m grateful that I raised a strong independent woman, but be that as it may, even she needs help occasionally. 

[Dimity]

2 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

Perhaps there’s another term for my youngest of 3 daughters?
Something that conveys:
So angrily assertive as to be ineffective?

  Your daughter in this situation is, to quote my Mom, "making a rod for her own back" in other words acting in a way that is going to cause her more trouble later.  She might prefer to see herself as being assertive or "effectively managing the situation" but it sounds like she's being a bully, even if her intentions are good.

[shapeshifter]

5 minutes ago, Dimity said:

  Your daughter in this situation is, to quote my Mom, "making a rod for her own back" in other words acting in a way that is going to cause her more trouble later.  She might prefer to see herself as being assertive or "effectively managing the situation" but it sounds like she's being a bully, even if her intentions are good.

Yes. At least she knows it and is trying to change. But I don't see much progress. 

And at least she's not like that with the kids.

[shapeshifter]

34 minutes ago, Mindthinkr said:

My daughter drove herself to see her physician yesterday. She has the flu, Covid, and pneumonia. I offered to go up there to take care of everyone, but she stated absolutely not. She said it would kill me (I have medical issues) and she didn’t want that on her conscience. I’m grateful that I raised a strong independent woman, but be that as it may, even she needs help occasionally. 

Can you hire someone to help for a week with cooking, cleaning, etc.?

Even though I have never coughed up* the money to hire someone to clean my own home, I am currently gifting my daughter $1K worth of house cleaning over the course of the year. It is a combo Mothers Day, Birthday, Fathers Day, Anniversary, and every other holiday gift. It works out to about once every month or 2.
And her home is so much cleaner when I go there — which is essential for me to not cringe every moment at some fresh horror of cat litter gone astray or toilet splatter.
If I were as strong as I used to be, I would do it myself, and my little grandson would cheerfully help. That is my only regret.

But I'm not planning on keeping it up indefinitely, and my Queen of the Spreadsheet Formulas daughter is probably keeping track and will let me know when we've reached the $1K mark. 
(I'm just doing the gift numbers intuitively in the back of my mind.)

_________________

* "never coughed up the money to hire someone to clean my own home"
Heh, not even when I had pneumonia.

Edited September 7 by shapeshifter

[Dimity]

3 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

If I were as strong as I used to be, I would do it myself, and my little grandson would cheerfully help. That is my only regret.

I date everything from the pandemic and for me, pre-pandemic I thought nothing of going to my daughter's house and shoveling it out even though I knew within a few weeks it would be as bad as before.  Now, like you, I just can't do it anymore.  I never thought of gifting them with a cleaning service though.  I'm going to look into costs and whether she would be receptive to that.  Even if the cleaners refuse to do the bedrooms (and I would expect they'd want hazard pay if they did!!) they would do the bathrooms, kitchen and hall which would be a huge help.

[Bastet]

7 hours ago, Mindthinkr said:

My daughter drove herself to see her physician yesterday. She has the flu, Covid, and pneumonia. I offered to go up there to take care of everyone, but she stated absolutely not. She said it would kill me (I have medical issues) and she didn’t want that on her conscience. I’m grateful that I raised a strong independent woman, but be that as it may, even she needs help occasionally. 

Yeah, you cannot expose yourself to that.  I'm sure there isn't anyone she feels comfortable asking that of.  Is the one kid who isn't sick old enough to help? 

I feel so sorry for your daughter.  I once had strep throat and bronchitis at the same time, and I've never been so miserable.  But all I had to take care of was myself and my cat, so I didn't need anyone to stay with me, just had my parents bring me some things.  She has three illnesses, every single one of which wipe you out on their own, but can't just wallow in bed and cough because she also has three kids, two of whom are also sick, to care for.

Their POS dad should take them, or at least the two sick ones, but since he is a certified POS, we know that's not going to happen (or if he'd even take care of them if he had them in his home).

Terrible situation, and you have to worry from afar.  Virtual hugs to both of you.

Edited September 7 by Bastet

[Mindthinkr]

2 hours ago, Bastet said:

Is the one kid who isn't sick old enough to help? 

Yes, he helps with the cleaning, and is bringing home groceries and medicines. He has a full time job as well as going to college full time, so his plate is pretty full. They have animals (chickens, pigs, cats, dogs) and he has been doing all of their feeding and cleaning duties. He’s a great help, but only can handle so much. 

Thank you for the virtual hugs. I’m very concerned, and feel helpless as there is nothing physical that they would let me do. Much to their chagrin I’ll be dropping off a lasagna on Monday. I’ll precook it so they can just microwave heat what they can eat and done. I’ll probably also bring the good paper plates so nobody is stuck with dishes. I appreciate being able to vent here. 
 

 

[shapeshifter]

3 hours ago, Mindthinkr said:

I’ll be dropping off a lasagna on Monday. I’ll precook it so they can just microwave heat what they can eat and done. I’ll probably also bring the good paper plates so nobody is stuck with dishes. I appreciate being able to vent here. 

Perfect!

And the healthy, hardworking, generous son should be bound for success in life.

[Bastet]

@MindthinkrOh, good, they're not little kids.  That's easier to manage.  Still a difficult turn of events, with only one member of the household fully functioning right now, but not quite the nightmare I was envisioning.

Do they live in an area where farm animals are common?  If so, maybe a neighbor who knows how from caring for their own could care for the chickens and pigs for a time, helping out without having to enter the House of Germs, and the son could concentrate on the patients and the inside pets in between his job and school.

I hope everything goes well with your granddaughter's ultrasound Monday, and that everyone enjoys a full recovery reasonably quickly.  (I still can't wrap my mind around your daughter dealing with those three illnesses at once; that poor woman!)  When I was sick as a kid, my mom always told me she wished she had a magic wand to make it just, poof, go away, and that's how I feel when my cats are sick.  I know you'd give anything for that wand right now, but since it doesn't exist, just keep doing what you can safely do, like delivering food (great idea on the paper plates) and giving emotional support.

Also, this internet stranger hates your former son-in-law.  May the fleas of a thousand camels infest his armpits.

Edited September 8 by Bastet

[Mindthinkr]

8 hours ago, Bastet said:

Also, this internet stranger hates your former son-in-law.  May the fleas of a thousand camels infest his armpits.

I only laughed because you are not the only person who thinks this! 

[Dimity]

A cousin of mine just found out that her father had an affair during his marriage to her mother and had a child with her. They are being very cool about this, I can't even imagine how I'd feel finding out something like that about my Dad!

Edited September 8 by Dimity

[shapeshifter]

1 hour ago, Dimity said:

A cousin of mine just found out that her father had an affair during his marriage to her mother and had a child with her. They are being very cool about this, I can't even imagine how I'd feel finding out something like that about my Dad!

That happens a lot these days  because of 23andMe or Ancestry DNA testing.

[Dimity]

2 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

That happens a lot these days  because of 23andMe or Ancestry DNA testing.

I thought that was how they found out but it turns out it was when the brother (well I guess half brother) was going through his mother's papers when he was settling her estate and found out that way who his father was.

[EtheltoTillie]

I had an estate case where my client found out her parents had lied about their wedding date, having backdated it for a year to avoid having to disclose mom was pregnant when they got married.  Once we started the estate proceedings we had to search for the real documents, and because we had the wrong date we weren't finding anything.  Finally the folks at the vital records office figured it out. 

I have another friend whose mom had an unknown sibling show up, having learned his parentage from 23 and me.  He had been put up for adoption, and no one in the family knew!

Edited September 9 by EtheltoTillie

[Gramto6]

Today I have a major issue to tackle and I dread even starting it. When my mom passed away (1988, in CA), she left my younger brother the family home in trust with the condition if he sold it or passed away, I or my heirs would get 25% of the profits. Well, every once in a while I will google him (I have no relationship with him or my older brother, who gets nothing from the house). To my surprise I found the house listed on Zillow! The first time I saw it about a month ago it was at $1.3 million! Little old house in excellent area. Stipulations in will were he was to be reimbursed for upkeep over the years and I figured he'd manage to get all my share by hook or by the crook that he is so I didn't pursue it. I was talking about this to my DD (who is also a non practicing lawyer and Chief of Police in a major city near where the home is) and she said I should get my name and location on the title just in case he hasn't sold it yet. The will has been filed with the courts (in 1989) so I am in that document. But I need to be on the deed too I guess. I am totally sure he "forgot" he was supposed to notify me if he was going to sell the home and he hoped I wouldn't even know about it since I am now in a totally different state,MT.

Sooooo today I am going to have to work my way by phone through the red tape in the CA Registrar's office (or where ever they send me) to be sure my whereabouts and contact info are on file. I can only imagine what kind of nightmare that is going to be from this distance! And if the home is already sold I guess I am SOL on seeing any of my inheritance. 

I am situated just fine and for a long time I just thought I'd let that profit go but now that it is a potential reality I decided, why should he get it all? My family deserves the portion Mom intended for us so I'll try to get this sorted as soon as I can. Oh, and if he tries to claim he didn't know where I am a quick google brings me right up!

Edited September 10 by Gramto6
typo

[EtheltoTillie]

11 minutes ago, Gramto6 said:

Today I have a major issue to tackle and I dread even starting it. When my mom passed away (1988, in CA), she left my younger brother the family home in trust with the condition if he sold it or passed away, I or my heirs would get 25% of the profits. Well, every once in a while I will google him (I have no relationship with him or my older brother, who gets nothing from the house). To my surprise I found the house listed on Zillow! The first time I saw it about a month ago it was at $1.3 million! Little old house in excellent area. Stipulations in will were he was to be reimbursed for upkeep over the years and I figured he'd manage to get all my share by hook or by the crook that he is so I didn't pursue it. I was talking about this to my DD (who is also a non practicing lawyer and Chief of Police in a major city near where the home is) and she said I should get my name and location on the title just in case he hasn't sold it yet. The will has been filed with the courts (in 1989) so I am in that document. But I need to be on the deed too I guess. I am totally sure he "forgot" he was supposed to notify me if he was going to sell the home and he hoped I wouldn't even know about it since I am now in a totally different state,MT.

Sooooo today I am going to have to work my way by phone through the red tape in the CA Registrar's office (or where ever they send me) to be sure my whereabouts and contact info are on file. I can only imagine what kind of nightmare that is going to be from this distance! And if the home is already sold I guess I am SOL on seeing any of my inheritance. 

I am situated just fine and for a long time I just thought I'd let that profit go but now that it is a potential reality I decided, why should he get it all? My family deserves the portion Mom intended for us so I'll try to get this sorted as soon as I can. Oh, and if he tries to claim he didn't know where I am a quick google brings me right up!

I know you probably do not want to hire a lawyer, but maybe you should find a lawyer in Cal to help you rather than try to do this yourself from long distance.  At least get a consultation to find out what is involved. 

[ECM1231]

🤞 Fingers crossed for you, @Gramto6. Good Luck!

[ginger90]

Good luck @Gramto6. Do you have a copy of the will by chance?

Edited September 10 by ginger90

[Gramto6]

1 hour ago, EtheltoTillie said:

I know you probably do not want to hire a lawyer, but maybe you should find a lawyer in Cal to help you rather than try to do this yourself from long distance.  At least get a consultation to find out what is involved. 

Thanks, I think I will ask my DD if she can recommend a lawyer to help. Maybe she has a friend even that may not charge me too much for a consult...

[EtheltoTillie]

Just now, Gramto6 said:

Thanks, I think I will ask my DD if she can recommend a lawyer to help. Maybe she has a friend even that may not charge me too much for a consult...

Great idea.  Good luck. 

6 minutes ago, ginger90 said:

Good luck @Gramto6. Do you have a copy of the will by chance.

Even if she does not have a copy, it's likely filed at the courthouse. 

[shapeshifter]

1 hour ago, Gramto6 said:

Sooooo today I am going to have to work my way by phone through the red tape in the CA Registrar's office (or where ever they send me) to be sure my whereabouts and contact info are on file. I can only imagine what kind of nightmare that is going to be from this distance! And if the home is already sold I guess I am SOL on seeing any of my inheritance. 

Apparently when my ex divorced me in California around 1993, it was never finalized. 
Around 2003, when I was living in Illinois, I sent for the divorce papers because I was going to legally change my last name. 
I wound up on the phone with someone in the courthouse in Cali. 
I said: "So I'm not legally divorced?"
The person on the phone said that no, that it was "just a clerical error" and she would fix it. 

Anyway, yes:

7 minutes ago, EtheltoTillie said:

Even if she does not have a copy, it's likely filed at the courthouse. 

 

[Gramto6]

17 minutes ago, ginger90 said:

Good luck @Gramto6. Do you have a copy of the will by chance.

I do have a copy of the handwritten will as well as all of the documents filed with the court and communications from lawyers involved.

I'm in the process of laying all the documents out in prep for calling the Registrar. Just giving it a try that way first to see what happens. They hopefully will direct me to the right people/places to follow up. 

I think I've muddled through all this enough for today. It has been something like 35 years but this is bringing it all back...not good times!

I'll text DD so she can get a name that I can have as a backup and that is all I can deal with today.

[EtheltoTillie]

29 minutes ago, Gramto6 said:

I do have a copy of the handwritten will as well as all of the documents filed with the court and communications from lawyers involved.

I'm in the process of laying all the documents out in prep for calling the Registrar. Just giving it a try that way first to see what happens. They hopefully will direct me to the right people/places to follow up. 

I think I've muddled through all this enough for today. It has been something like 35 years but this is bringing it all back...not good times!

I'll text DD so she can get a name that I can have as a backup and that is all I can deal with today.

My question is this:  How can you call the registrar to "get your name" on the deed.   Deeds are usually drawn up by lawyers and filed with registrars/clerks (at least here in NY).  The county clerks here don't do that for you.  Let us know how you fare.

Edited September 10 by EtheltoTillie

[EtheltoTillie]

PS to above, your brother likely has to sign any new deed if he is the executor or trustee.  The idea of having a deed or lien or whatever filed is that it gives a public warning to anyone who is trying to buy the house, that the property is encumbered by something that can't be ignored.  This is basic property law, the kind of thing they test on the national part of the bar exam. 

But again, I think you will need a lawyer to help you unravel this, unless your brother actually filed a new deed years ago. 

Edited September 10 by EtheltoTillie

[Gramto6]

Yeah, I am just stumbling around in this mess. My DD says just check to see if name is on deed, but I've just spent time on phone and online trying to find the deed to no avail w/o more info. I just found an old quit claim from when my mom and dad divorced and trying to see if I can get a parcel # somewhere on that. 

I think a lawyer is the only way to go at this point. Knowing my brother, he has done everything he can do to make it seem I am unfindable.  

[Quof]

54 minutes ago, EtheltoTillie said:

The idea of having a deed or lien or whatever filed is that it gives a public warning to anyone who is trying to buy the house, that the property is encumbered by something that can't be ignored.  This is basic property law,

Yes, the will should be registered at the Land Registry/Land Titles Office/Registry of Deeds, not simply "at the courthouse" as notice to any purchaser (mostly their lawyer who searches the title before purchase).  You can't just call and say "Hey, put my name on the deed/title".  My first year property professor was a laugh riot, but I have avoided practising property law because it is fraught with perils. 

[Dimity]

3 hours ago, Gramto6 said:

To my surprise I found the house listed on Zillow!

Is he selling privately or through a real estate agent?  If through an agent at a minimum right now you can contact them to see if the house has actually sold. 

[Mindthinkr]

@Gramto6 Best wishes moving forward with this. I hope it doesn’t become difficult and expensive for you. 
 

[Browncoat]

When my father died, his will stipulated that his house would go to my siblings and me.  When I registered the will, the Clerk of Court said that the deed would automatically be registered in our names -- we did not have to do anything.  This was reflected when we sold the house, too.  All of us had to sign the paperwork with the realtor to sell it.  And we all had to sign all the paperwork when the house sold.

This was in Virginia, though, and it might be different in California.

[meep.meep]

2 hours ago, Gramto6 said:

Yeah, I am just stumbling around in this mess. My DD says just check to see if name is on deed, but I've just spent time on phone and online trying to find the deed to no avail w/o more info. I just found an old quit claim from when my mom and dad divorced and trying to see if I can get a parcel # somewhere on that. 

I think a lawyer is the only way to go at this point. Knowing my brother, he has done everything he can do to make it seem I am unfindable.  

You need an attorney who works in the county where the home is.  He/she may recommend you hire a title company to search for the deed.  That's what they do. They can also find out if your brother has taken out any loans against the home since your mother's death. 

You should see if you have a copy of the actual will, not a handwritten version, since that may not be the very latest version.  It's an unusual bequest - usually property is sold and proceeds split between the beneficiaries.

[Gramto6]

2 hours ago, Dimity said:

Is he selling privately or through a real estate agent?  If through an agent at a minimum right now you can contact them to see if the house has actually sold. 

Right now it is listed on Zillow and Redfin as "off market". The gal at the registrars office suggested I contact the Realtor to see if they had a copy of deed or any info. But there is no listed agent on either sites so I suppose he may just be using them?? I don't know anything about the sites.

@Browncoat the will is registered with the county Clerk. I don't know what the laws are in CA. I guess some more googling is needed to get more info.

 

@meep.meep the actual will was handwritten, only the one version, I have a copy of that. Yeah, I see an Attorney in my future!

[Gramto6]

39 minutes ago, meep.meep said:

It's an unusual bequest - usually property is sold and proceeds split between the beneficiaries.

Oh forgot to comment on this.

My little (5yrs younger) brother was mom's favorite. He was/is(?) a bum, a thief and Dog knows what else in the intervening years. She knew he would never have a home of his own, he was mostly living with her at the time of her death (no cost to him). He'd take her to dr appts and grocery shopping. Nice eh? No, he billed her for each trip, mileage and time spent. Ya that's my baby brother. I was working full time with two young kids at home. And I lived some distance away. I did what I could but couldn't be there 100% of the time as he was. He had no job and was living off her.  Mom knew he wouldn't amount to much, so giving him the house to live in was her way of still taking care of him.  She felt I was married and working, plus raising a family so was very stable in life thus the 3/4 - 1/4 split of the home profits if he chose to sell, still giving him more of a cushion.  She most likely figured selling and splitting the proceeds would not be a good idea as brother would drink or drug away the money, but a home gave him roots.

I don't know how she thought it would play out in the end, but I have a feeling it isn't going to bode well for me. I almost feel like I am going to end up with nothing more than what I have now, which I am OK with, but part of me wants what she wanted for me..... sigh

[Dimity]

3 minutes ago, Gramto6 said:

I don't know how she thought it would play out in the end, but I have a feeling it isn't going to bode well for me. I almost feel like I am going to end up with nothing more than what I have now, which I am OK with, but part of me wants what she wanted for me..... sigh

I hope I am wrong but my thought here is that he has already sold the house and cut you out completely. You can probably sue to recoup your share but I guess it will come down, at least in financial terms, as to whether the 25% is worth the cost of the lawyer you will most likely need to hire to fight this for you.  That's assuming he hasn't already blown through the money from the sale. 

[Gramto6]

34 minutes ago, Dimity said:

I hope I am wrong but my thought here is that he has already sold the house and cut you out completely. You can probably sue to recoup your share but I guess it will come down, at least in financial terms, as to whether the 25% is worth the cost of the lawyer you will most likely need to hire to fight this for you.  That's assuming he hasn't already blown through the money from the sale. 

Yep, that is exactly where my thoughts are at this point. It is kind of like buying a lottery ticket, the anticipation of the win gets you excited, but then you never win. I could dream how nice even 25% of the value could be. But in the end, it would cost more than what I'd end up with most likely....  I don't think I am willing to throw any money at this, as you guess, I'll bet he has already sold and squandered the money any way.

It just bugs me that he has no respect for her wishes and cares not a frack about my feelings or fairness. Both my brothers are bums, don't know how I turned out so opposite them, but boy howdy am I glad I did!!

Edited September 11 by Gramto6

[PRgal]

Reading all of this on estates, etc...makes me glad I'm an only child.   

[shapeshifter]

1 hour ago, PRgal said:

Reading all of this on estates, etc...makes me glad I'm an only child.   

At times I wish I'd only had any 1 of my 3 so I could give everything to the 1. 
It varies which of them I am wishing I could help more. 

[Dimity]

1 hour ago, PRgal said:

Reading all of this on estates, etc...makes me glad I'm an only child.   

I get it.  But there are pluses to siblings if you are fortunate.  They can help share the care of an aging parent and help make decisions you may not want to make on your own.  Not every family situation is toxic.  I have one brother who basically moved away and has never looked back but the rest of us have stayed close - are probably closer as adults to be honest than we ever were as children.  I credit my parents with this - we never had a Smothers Brothers "Mom always liked you best" thing going!

[PRgal]

1 hour ago, Dimity said:

I get it.  But there are pluses to siblings if you are fortunate.  They can help share the care of an aging parent and help make decisions you may not want to make on your own.  Not every family situation is toxic.  I have one brother who basically moved away and has never looked back but the rest of us have stayed close - are probably closer as adults to be honest than we ever were as children.  I credit my parents with this - we never had a Smothers Brothers "Mom always liked you best" thing going!

Only if they live close to your parents.  My husband is in Toronto, but my MIL and SIL are in Vancouver!  My husband can only help make decisions while my SIL (and her family) is the one who visits when she can.  

[Dimity]

51 minutes ago, PRgal said:

Only if they live close to your parents.  My husband is in Toronto, but my MIL and SIL are in Vancouver!  My husband can only help make decisions while my SIL (and her family) is the one who visits when she can. 

I should have been clearer, by close I didn't mean necessarily geographically.  My sister lives in a different province but we are very close.  My other brother does live nearby and has taken on a lot of the day to day stuff for my Dad - he has recently retired so he is doing a lot of the runs to the dr and related health appointments for instance.

[EtheltoTillie]

I just read an insane story in this vein in the Daily Mail, but it took place near here on Long Island about a month ago. Skip if you are sensitive.

Spoiler

A 95 year old woman died. Four children. One son had never fledged and lived with mom. The will specified that house had to be sold and property divided. The family was meeting to discuss sale of house. Son could not deal with being displaced so he went out back and got a shotgun. Killed all three siblings and a thirty year old niece who had a newborn baby (didn’t kill baby), then killed himself.

Yup. It’s simply unfathomable. 

[EtheltoTillie]

There’s a house across the street from my weekend house with similar issues. The mom died at 95 several years ago. The three children could not agree what to do with it.  Fortunately no firearms were involved. The house had deteriorated substantially over the years and even had the yard uncared for with no mowing for months at a time.  Vines had grown over the roof. Then they covered the roof with a tarp.  Finally they decided to sell; it’s a total teardown. Someone just bought it. I think it’s a developer. We are waiting to find out. I wonder what monstrosity they will put up.