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S03.E02: Boxed In

Tara Ariano

By Tara Ariano
in The Following [V]

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Tara Ariano

Tara Ariano

Ryan may have been able to connect Andrew to Mark, but he and the FBI are unsure of how things may tie into Joe Carroll. Meanwhile, tension mounts among Mark, Kyle and Daisy, and Ryan is placed in a serious situation.
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Snookums

Snookums

God, I love Sarah and Poe Head. Reading their back and forths is like watching the Mad Men Promos: "I have no idea what's going to happen beyond generalities but it's gonna be good! (or in The Following's case, suck beyond the telling of it.)

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Such A Flirt

Such A Flirt

Darn it, total fake-out; I was really hoping we'd finally get that Ryan & Joe Poe reunion. Though I laughed my butt off at that "did you two break up?" line!

 

So obvious who was going to die. I was really hoping someone would say "What's in the box?"

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Snookums

Snookums

(edited)

Okay, episode two! Shit's getting real. Real as in "Really? Fuck, they really....really?"

 

Previouslies catch us up on the crapfest so far, and...

 

Open on a vaguely familiar whiteish/silverish truck pulling up to closed up looking, graffiti-ed garage. Guess who's driving? Mark! He's in triple disguise with his beard, ballcap, and hoodie, but pretty much ruins the effect by skulking around like a rat who's being used as a test subject for 5 Hour Energy. He scuttles up to the door--locked--then to the venetian blind-shrouded window, his body language radiating "DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO ME I AM HERE ON COMPLETELY LEGIT BUSINESS. BORING, REALLY. I SAID DON'T LOOK AT ME!"

 

Said blinds are suddenly crunched downward, but for once it's not by a cat who's chittering after a pigeon; or is that just my house? Instead it's a pair of human eyes and hands, pointing him back towards said door. Mark obeys, and soon the guy comes out, inquiring if that's "Andrew's truck." (Andrew, you'll recall, is the nom de plume of Brooding Waiter.) Yes, frets Mark, and they've got to get it off the street, like, yesterday! 

 

The guy says he'll take care of it, which apparently means standing there while Mark drives it into the garage and giving it a slap on its truck fanny. Okay. 

 

Cut to inside of garage, where Mark's asking if everything's set and Guy, who clearly has pride in his work, says "see for yourself" and pulls back a floor length curtain (which he very obviously rigged up just for this reveal--awww. So try hard) and displays several tables' worth of saws, screwdrivers and other about to be used for off model purposes tool sets. Everything's neatly arranged and color coordinated. You'd think this would impress Martha Stewart Lover Mark here, but instead he just looks ill and says torture "isn't really his thing." He's a whiner, not a slicer.

 

Guy immediately says no prob, that's what he's there for, and trots over to pull the shrouding off "the best part:" Ol' Sparky! YES. Apparently Guy (okay, he goes by Spider. Which is just all kinds of sad) bought this thing "in Huntsville, Texas" last year, where it was used in over fifty executions! Uh...huh. You know, normally I would question the idea of a civilian being able to just buy a friggin' electric chair, but A) Texas, and B) this is The Following, where anything from Black Hawk helicopters on down is apparently readily available for sale or lease. 

 

"Today," purrs Spider, suddenly remembering he has a southern accent, "We're gonna use it to fry ourselves an FBI agent." Mark gives a slow grin of approval and delight as we cut to the title card. 

 

(How do you suppose they're going to get enough juice for Sparky, there? A whole bunch of car batteries, the purchase of which should trip alerts in who knows how many anti terrorist watch agencies? Wouldn't it be hysterical if they just plugged it into the wall outlet??)

 

Anyway, we fade into Ryan Hardy's White Apartment of Denial And Fully Stocked Home Gym, where's he's giving a heavy bag a kickbox workout. There's several jump ropes and other equipment neatly placed around, which indicates that Ryan likes to work out a lot. In an apartment. Jumping up and down for hours and hitting things. His neighbors must adore him.)

 

Gwen wanders in and watches for a bit, until Ryan spots her and apologizes, asking if he woke her up (Neighbors: "NOT JUST HER, ASSHOLE.") Gwen smirks and says she thought she wore him out last night. Girl knows her strengths. Ryan grins and says oh yeah, she did and comes over for a big ol' sweaty smooch session. Blech! Towel off first at least, dude!  

 

Gwen offers that his hands are quick but his jab is weak--oh, and he should work on his boxing moves, too (Hey-yo!) At Ryan's quizzical glance she says that she used to patch up her boxer high school boyfriend and that's how she fell in love with medicine. Riiiiighhhht. Ten bucks says her boyfriend was one of the thousands and thousands of nascent serial killers who pop up like dandelions on this show. Ryan laughingly asks how it's possible he doesn't know this and Gwen points out that six months of dating isn't long enough to reveal all our our secrets and hey why not share something about yourself now right this second? Damn, girl is smooth. Max could take a lesson or two on "introduction of sensitive discussion topics " from her.

 

Ryan laughs but is visibly relieved when his cell saves him from this sudden game of Truth Dare Double Dare Promise or Repeat. He reaches for it and it turns out that for once it's good news--fingerprint match on Andrew. He heads off to take a shower, then stops and turns, telling Gwen that it was his brother that taught him how to fight, since apparently young Ryan Hardy was quite the playground target. Gwen smiles and says she wishes she could have met him, and the scene ends on a tender note. 

 

Okay, so I had to cast back and work this out: Ryan had two siblings. His brother who was killed on 9/11 and was I think? Max's dad, and his sister and her husband, who were brief targets way back in season One but have been safely ensconced in Florida since then. Show, do not make me work this hard.

 

Cut to shot of Humongo Mansion (The Family Grey sure likes its houses big and drafty) and then Mark walking in on Daisy and Boyfriend (I seriously can't recall hearing his name! What the hell is it?) who are luckily just sleeping for once instead of playing Hungry Hungry Hippos with each others' faces. He's bearing big trays of breakfast--scrambled eggs and oatmeal! It's to give them long term energy for the big day! BF, who's clearly not a morning person, grumps that he doesn't eat breakfast and Daisy steps on that right quick, thanking Mark for his thoughtfulness. BF is really quite bad at reading body language given his chosen vocation.

 

Mark, chirpy and twittery as a dachshund on six lattes, is all for double checking all the points of their plan but BF's all NO, dude, we got it, okay? Daisy tenses but instead of whatever they thinks going to happen Mark gets very calm and sits down on the bed and says that he knows they're upset about Andrew, how he "brought them together" (REEEEEEEAAAAAAALLLLY) but he's want them to focus. The whole time he's talking he's scooching closer and closer to BF and just being all Mr. Personal Bubble Violator, and BF is not having even one little bit of this. Daisy cuts in to diffuse the situation, agreeing with Mark and everything is just dandy la la la!

 

"Great!" says Mark and gives a final slapparoo to BF's shoulder, then heads out, saying he'll see them downstairs! BF and his gold chain are just so not down with this shit, especially when he gets another slap from Daisy, hissing that they have to keep Mark happy. BF's all that guy's a freakazoid and Daisy does not reply with Yeah, duh, I was the one who wanted to bail last night, genius. Instead she reminds him that Mark would gut them both in their sleep if he suspects they have "another agenda." The show is trying soooooo hard to make this all mysterious and shit when it is nothing but Standard Joe Carroll Plot Point. 

 

Cut to FBI Coffee Room of Terse Dialogue. Max's new squeeze, Tom enters and spots Mike grabbing a cup. He attempts some casual first contact with a neutral "how's it goin'" and Mike, who's apparently put on his Pissy Pants today, says how do you think, a lot of innocent people died yesterday. WOAH, OKAY, says 

Tom's face, but he perseveres and proves he's indeed Max's soul mate by following a man who's broadcasting NO WANT TALKEE on every possible network and continuing the conversation. He tries to bring up the whole "dating your ex" thing and Max is all no worries ancient history we are cool GOING AWAY NOW and stalks into the glass office space that he and Ryan have their heart to hearts in. So Iceman. Such cold. 

 

Ryan, having viewed this exchange, says it's nice to see Mike is making friends. "I'm not here to make friends," snaps Mike, under the momentary delusion that he's on The Bachelor. He points to a screen where someone in prison orange is being escorted down a hallway and asks what's up. Ryan fills him in about Andrew, who apparently walked out on his wife and kids a year ago out of nowhere. Right before he left, though, he got a call from New Jersey, which, as Mike reminds the audience, was the last place they saw Mark. Yes, and it would have been the last place Mark saw as a free man if any of you had bothered chasing him down at Whipped Cream Mansion, Michael. For all that this episode will rag on The Three for their part in Lily Grey's death nobody ever seems to bring this up, or question why the hell any of them are allowed anywhere near these cases. 

 

Anyhoodle, Ryan and Mike outline that Andrew was the guy who picked Mark and Dead Luke up (as we were clearly shown last episode but hey, can't hurt to go over it again) and they head off to question their prisoner.

 

Said prisoner is handcuffed to a table in an interrogation room and clearly has some marks on him. He looks all sad and scared, but that's his thing, so I don't think anybody's going to buy it. In stroll Mike and Ryan, Mike just owning the room and saying that it looks like somebody didn't enjoy their first night in jail. Wait, what? Isn't this guy a highly valuable and dangerous prisoner with connections to God knows how many open murder cases and at least two serial killers??? Did the FBI have him in GEN POP??? Or is the show implying that the guards did a little heavy bag practice with Andrew's face? Either option really does not speak well of this law enforcement agency's handling of assets. 

 

Ryan asks him about how he could walk out on his family and Andrew tries the crying routine but it's not going over and he drops it like a dirty Kleenex. He smirks that they were just cover and hey, who cares. Ryan and Mike go on to outline that Lily saw Andrew as a father figure for her boys and blah blah blah and it's kind of needlessly complicated. Andrew thinks so too and briefly steals Kevin Bacon's audience channeling abilities by asking if he's supposed to clap or something, that these are fairly basic insights. He asks if he can offer a little advice and Ryan's all whatevs, dude.

 

Andrew says they should confess while there's still time and both men stiffen, clearly hoping that this isn't being recorded. Mike says his conscience is clean but Andrew's all good for you but that's not important right now. If the three don't want even more dead bodies following them around they'll tell the world how Lily Grey came to her dire end. Neither guy says Hey, guy? Don't know if you missed it or what but we had a CONGRESSIONAL HEARING on this crap and nobody cares. Like, nobody except you and your little foster puppy. Lily Grey was a shitbag slaughtering monster and the world at large considers itself well rid of her, so this little vendetta of yours is going nowhere. Nope, instead the music sting informs us that more elaborate slaughter lies ahead.

 

Cut to a supermarket, where an attractive woman is living her life and unaware that everything is about to go tits up, as evidenced by BF strolling into frame behind her. He tries to engage her in some truly lame patter about melons and she clearly cannot believe how bad his game is as she ducks him. Daisy agrees, as she steps up to BF and cheerfully informs him "that was sad." He hands her something that seems important since the camera focuses on it but I can't tell what it is even after two rewinds. No matter how pathetic BF's PUA routine is, however, I sense no good ahead for his erstwhile target.

 

Back to Ryan and Mike talking about how they should trace Andrew's driving records when they run into Omnipresent Cop, who will now officially go by Jeff since that's his name and the characters finally get around to saying it. A lot. But anyway, Jeff has something on his mind and buttonholing Ryan, says he doesn't think "he can go through it" again. Uh oh!

 

Part two coming up--The World's Worst Televised ER!

Edited by Snookums
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Snookums

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(edited)

Part Two; Chest Pains, Schmest Pains!

 

Okay, so now we're flashing back from Jeff and Ryan at the FBI to "Eleven months ago." Man, a lot of stuff happened eleven months ago! In this case, however, it's the two of them drinking at what I presume is one of those fancy new tryhard Starbucks that serves booze, because Ryan's drinking coffee whilst Jeff is openly doing shots of whiskey midafternoon. Mmmm-hmm.

 

Jeff, with a little wibble wobble in his voice from his libations, is (over) coaching Ryan about what to say at "the hearing"; I'm guessing about Lily Grey's date with that bullet. He's all stick to the script and don't do that mad thing you do and Ryan's all I'm fine but you, on the other hand...

 

Jeff finishes his drink in a swallow and prepares to lean in. He asks Ryan if he knew that he had specifically asked Franklin (I think he's Pirate Guy who lost an eyeball back in the day?) to run Ryan's op. Ryan's all no, sorry, I am a life wrecking idiot, but not on purpose or anything. Jeff squishes onward that he knew if things went south he'd probably lose his job or end up in prison but Joe Carroll was a monster and had to be stopped. Ugh. Being Cassandra is just not a good thing no matter what you're predicting, is it? 

 

Anyway, Jeff just can't take the pressure, he can't sleep, he's drinking all the time...and he's scared. So scared, in fact that oops, he's short of breath, and his chest is tight! Uh oh! Ryan quickly steers him to his car to take him to the ER, nice and calm, keeping everything quiet, which is a nice change from the usual "guest actor drops to floor while series star bellows 'CALL 911!' at random people." The don't pay for their drinks but I'm willing to write that off given the apparent heart attack and all.

 

Back to hallway, where other personnel are apparently so used to Ryan Hardy intense-whispering to a colleague in an open space they just blank it out. Ryan tells Jeff that he'll take the hit if he has to but he's got a whole bunch of killers to catch and he's got to get back to work. Sure, sure, says Jeff, clearly experiencing another flash of prescient dread. Run right along, Sparky, I have no doubts in you. None at all. 

 

Ryan heads back into the main control room where Day Player Agent and others apparently slave day and night without rest or food, to find Mike running up with a Microsoft Tablet (product placement!) He's all excited about them finding out about Andrew's car; a silver pickup with License Plate Random Number. Ryan decides it's a lead and makes an announcement to the room at large to search camera databases for the car blah blah blah. Everyone in there is "Okay, you know what? We were actually doing that. Already doing it. Didn't need to wait for you to tell us to do stuff, person who isn't our boss. Why don't you go stare at files in the lobby or something?" 

 

(Also, wouldn't any criminal type mastermind wannabe have sold or traded that truck by now? Or at least replaced the license plates? If it weren't for the damn criminals having brains filled with dead gnats Ryan would probably be running around shopping malls with ten year old sketches of Joe Carroll right now. GAH.)

 

But this, as I so often seem to say, is The Following, and we  cut to Spider's Garage of Secrecy and Electrocution, Where Hoodied Mark is pulling in and announcing that "Daisy and 'Codge'? 'Dodge'? are making contact right now." So someone finally said BF's name! Too bad I can't make any sense of it.

 

So 'making contact' means poor Jeff's Wife is heading home with her groceries, unsuspecting that her entire existence is about to take a hard downward plunge. She enters her house and hears music playing. Assuming Jeff is home she heads into the kitchen, espying two poured glasses of wine! Ahhh, some love in the afternoon! She's smiling and clearly enjoying this unexpected surprise and ugh, it's just awful, especially because you know this show just takes the lowest denominator of "suspense" or "violence" at all times. 

 

She heads upstairs to find some lingerie spread out on the bed. Chuckling that he can't expect any of that to "still fit," she follows the sound of shower water into the bathroom, all ready to join her man--and of course, said shower is empty. Showers are never a good idea on the show, as Emma and her gay boyfriends demonstrated back in the day, and it doubles down on that with the entrance of Daisy and Whatever The Hell His Name Is, the latter brandishing a knife. "You really hurt my feelings back there, you know," he says, moving towards her and into commercial. BLECH. ARGH. BLARGH. I mean, I know I'm not watching this show for the realistic elements but this is just so grody. It's almost as bad as those poor dogs in Season One; gristly grue for the sake of it. 

 

Siggghhhh...fuck Comcast and their Fast Forward disable, you know? If I wanted to watch Empire I'D BE WATCHING EMPIRE. 

 

Okay, back to Jeff's House of Soon To Be Horrors. BF is taping Wife to a chair in her dining room and answering her question as to why he's doing this; "I wasn't held enough as a child? Or my amygdala's undersized." He heads off for some cantaloupe, politely asking the ladies if they want any, but they're good. Well, Daisy's good, Wife more WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO MY LIFE but neither requires the soothing kiss of melon right now.

 

Daisy, who's more of a connector then BF, proceeds to explain to Wife that they're going to call her husband, "It's not a party without him, is it?" Wife refuses but Daisy's switchblade convinces her otherwise. She holds the phone up and Wife manages to convince Jeff that she's got a bad migraine and he needs to head home. God, that's sad. I mean sad sad, not "this show...sigh" sad. 

 

Daisy's really impressed with Wife's prevarication skills and says admiringly that she bets Jeff can't tell when Wife's faking it. Wife's all okay I really did not think my day could get any worse on the Weird/Horrible Venn diagram but I was clearly wrong! Daisy goes on and on, asking how long they've been married and how she keeps things fresh "in the bedroom." Well, Febreze usually does it, but that's not important because Daisy says "Kyle and I do whatever we have to to keep the spark alive" HIS NAME IS KYLE. BF'S NAME IS KYLE THANK YOU VERY MUCH BELATEDLY FOR THAT, SHOW.

 

Said Kyle, having very nicely pared and diced the 'loupe, swings in to ask if Jeff's on his way yet. Daisy says yep and hey, why not go check out her night table for naughty items? Wife regrets not hiding that copy of Fifty Shades of Grey in her car as KYLE swings off to keep the spark alive. "God, I love him so much," sighs Daisy, Acting Choice spearing a cube of cantaloupe with her blade and gazing after him adoringly.

 

Back to FBI Serial Killer Tracking Room, and they've got a hit on the truck! A surveillance camera with a hella crisp image and nifty zoom reveals both the truck and Hoodie Mark and Ryan, wonder of wonders, calls for a SWAT team to meet them there! My lands alive, I do believe I have the vapors! Mike takes a second to narrow his eyes in revenge-y fashion at the image before trotting after him.

 

Cut to said garage and shittons of cops and feds are pouring up. I feel dizzy, you guys...the world...it's making too much sense...

 

Swarms of team members and the Three gather as inside, Spider's silent alarm flashes and Mark first asks what's going on, then collapses into squealing protest at the ruination of his zappy plans. Spider, who may be a freak but keeps a cool head, shows admirable loyalty to his employer and quickly hustles the sniveling little baby into a secret passageway. (I can totally see why Mark and/or Andrew hired this guy. Not everybody plans ahead this much.) He stuffs Mark into it and tells him it lets out a block away, then heads off to confront several dozen armed to the teeth body armored law enforcement officers with a single AK-47. Ohhhh dear, I think his smarts just ran right the plumb out.

 

And here comes yet another Following Specialty: Big Confusing Badly Lit Action Sequence! Lots of running and shooting and flailing about, much of which must be guessed at since a full half of the damn sequence is pitch black (remember Claire and Emma's battle at the hotel? Like that but more gunfire and bellows of MOVE MOVE MOVE!) until finally Mike peels off from everybody else (of course he does) and chases his quarry deep inside this garage, which apparently goes down into the center of the earth or something. More shitty ass lighting and somehow Mike's knocked down by Spider and loses his gun, but before he can meet the natural end result of his idiotic actions Ryan takes Spider out with a single shot. Hey, Competent Ryan Hardy! Was wondering when you'd show up! Well, nice of you to stop by, see you next season sometime.

 

SWAT swarms in and Tom Reyes (wait, I thought he was Hostage Negotiation? What the hell's he doing on the SWAT team?) retrieves Mike's firearm and returns it to him, rather imprudently saying "try to hang onto it next time" after handing it over. Luckily Max calls Ryan (and by extention Mike) away before Mike's got another oopsie shooting on his hands.

 

Back into the main room and hey, check it out, it's a bunch of pictures of Anna, (who is Wife of Jeff.) One glance and Ryan, whose experience with Walls O' Photos tell hims this is nothing good, herds everybody out and presumably over to Jeff's place. Oh, dear.

 

Jeff, meanwhile, walks into a scenario that he probably pictured a time or two, considering his job: his wife tied up and Daisy holding a knife to her throat. KYLE steps up and puts a gun to Jeff's temple, but he doesn't need that; Jeff calmly says he'll do whatever they want but don't hurt Anna. "Sorry," says KYLE. "We don't make deals" and pistolwhips him upside the head as Anna screams for them not to hurt him. Daisy rolls her eyes and whips a plastic bag over poor Anna's head, saying "Wish we could stay, suffocation's such a turn-on" and, after a big ol' through the bag kiss, leaves her to smother as they gather up Jeff and flee. Well, that was pleasant for all concerned.

 

More extended Empire bullshit. This crap is making me hate a show I don't even watch. GO TO HELL, DISABLED FAST FORWARD.

 

Back to Jeff's House, where Ryan and company are kicking in the door, luckily only a few minutes after Daisy and Kyle have absconded. They see Anna and in a flurry of panic get her untied and perform CPR, begging her to wake up. This is bringing back especially bad memories for Ryan and Mike, and they clearly really don't want another Debra situation if they can help it. After a few tense seconds--Anna coughs and awakens! YAY! I am seriously glad about this. Even for a show about serial killers Anna would have been a body too far.

 

Anna gasps out that "they took Jeff" and cut to Daisy and Kyle with Jeff tied up but sitting up and quite visible in the back seat. Heh, you'd think they'd put him in the back with the spare tires and fast food wrappers. Daisy gets a call from Mark and answers it to find that Ol' Sparky is no longer a viable option with the police raid and all. Mark is scurrying along and hissing into his cell in a not at all suspicious manner about police and Plan B. Daisy's really not down with Plan B, because "he just scares the hell out of me." Mark snaps back that they don't have a choice and hangs up, leaving Daisy to inform Kyle that that thing they really didn't want to happen is happening; they have to call Neil. 

 

Over to a large guy whose resemblance to Vincent D'onofrio has probably been remarked upon at length patiently feeding a guy whose resemblance to Peter Boyle has probably been similarly extensively noted. The older guy is touchy and querulous, demanding to know who he is and refusing to believe he's "Neil, your son." So Neil here isn't exactly living the life of Riley in his day to day routine. His phone buzzes and when he answers it, there's a two word text message: "YOU'RE UP."  He immediately turns to the nice smiling visiting nurse and asks her to take over since he's gotta go out for a while. This would all be quite sweet if not for the whole "psycho who even creeps out other psychos" thing that's clearly going on.

 

Cut to Mark fleeing up the steps of Humongo Manor to regroup with Head Luke. He's all sobby and whining that it's all messed up, but Head Luke is all no, you're great, you've got that backup plan which you can totally handle, RIGHT? Mark pleads with Head Luke to take point, but Head Luke, as much a dick in death as he ever was in life, informs Mark that he's got to do this on his own. God, can you imagine having your shitty ass sibling hanging around in your cerebellum yanking your chain twenty four seven? It seems to work on Mark, though, and he mans up enough to grab a familiar looking brunette wig. Ugh, I hope it's a wig. And not like, a scalp.

 

Back to FBI Room of Three Steps Behind, where Max is babbling about dumped cell phones and such while the rest of the main casts does a surprisingly fast job putting together the scenario and the fact that they have a narrow window to find Jeff before a backup plan starts up. Day Player Agent pipes up here, saying that a call is coming in--from Mark Grey. Mendez orders it put up on the screen and Mark, in his brunette wig that makes him look like his old self, pops up, sneering "gang's all here" except for Jeff. Mike, frothing a bit at seeing his nemesis, asks what he wants and Mark gets his turn to roll his eyes, saying he's made that very clear. He wants them to tell the truth and they haven't. So they have to go on TV by eight p.m. and announce that they executed Lily or he's gonna kill Jeff, so there, and hangs up. Max, Ryan and Mike look less than thrilled to have this heard by all and sundry but it's not really a secret at this point.

 

Blah blah about tracing and firewalls, as Mendez announces that they've got five hours to go through basically everything in the world relating to the case, then turns to Ryan and Mike and asks what truth was Mark talking about? Both Ryan and Mike look weary as they chant the standard line about how Mark is nutso and can't accept what happened but they can't pull off a particularly convincing rendition of it.

 

And that's pretty clear to all concerned because the next scene is the three conspirators hilariously discussing this in the entirely glass walled office! Literal dozens of agents are walking by and seeing the whole thing as Max is saying Mendez knows, Ryan says she doesn't and Max counters with the fact that they know what really went down with Lily Grey. Mike huffs that Mark's hardly in a position to judge them and Max is all NOT REALLY PERTINENT RIGHT NOW. What's important is they have to consider whether coming clean might help Jeff. Ryan (it's always super creepy when he's the voice of reason in the room) rightly points out that no matter what they do, Mark is going to kill Jeff and this debate is a waste of time. Meanwhile everybody who works in this damn building is strolling right on by going "say, don't you people have a fairly important deadline? Well, no matter, there is no way in the world that you could possibly be discussing how your past actions were both blatantly illegal and led directly to the present situation! Carry on!" Then they all go get coffee.

 

Ugh, I still am not at the damn ER scene! Posting this, feeding cats and swinging right back into the a bit much even for this show stretch!

Edited by Snookums
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(edited)

PART THREE WE ARE GETTING TO THE ER. Which something most people who run into Ryan don't get to say.

 

Now we're in some big machine shop and Neil is being extra focused and crazy eyed about some sharp edged project he's laboring on. Jeff, tied to a chair behind him, demands of Kyle if Anna is okay. Kyle's full of sneery admiration for Jeff facing death and "only being worried about his girl," which Jeff continues to be. "She's good, don't worry," says Kyle, all slouchy and bored. He says he can tell they have something special, just like him and Daisy. Well, I'm actually guessing there's a few differences between them and you and Daisy, Kyle.

 

Kyle takes a seat and asks if Jeff ever cheated on Anna. Man, what is with these two and their weird compulsions to question their victims? Go buy the Blu Ray of When Harry Met Sally... and maybe you won't be compelled to kill so often, dude.

 

Kyle waxes tedious about how lots of guys cheat but he never has. Jeff stares in disbelief as Kyle vocal fries his way through how he might be tempted but he could never hurt Daisy or keep it from her, for that matter, she can see right through him...luckily Daisy walks in and takes things in the more "make out in front of strangers" direction, which is gross but probably a blessed relief for Jeff right now. Not only because Kyle quits talking but because he's just realized the duct tape on his wrists...is...loose...

 

(Oh, and apparently Daisy and Kyle are married. I would bet real money dolphins figured heavily in their wedding decor.)

 

Back to FBI Perpetual Catchup Headquarters. Max strolls in and it's her turn to demo the Tablet in a big close up, while announcing that while she was looking for a connection between Andrew and Mark, she found a connection to....JOE CARROLL. Ryan's entire face seems to exhale sharply at this bit of news. Turns out that Andrew's youth coincided with Joe's, and he went to a brother school to Joe's Lightford Academy. They both took a class with the same teacher. Holy shitsnacks. This news is highly--welcome? Unwelcome? It's something.

 

Ryan doesn't get it, though--if Andrew's one of Joe's Followers, why would he downgrade to whiny Mark? Mike jumps in that Mark hates Joe; he blames him for Lily and Luke's deaths almost as much as he does the Big Three. Nobody brings up the fact that Andrew was clearly working for Lily before she died, not Joe, and that's why he's helping Mark now, doy. Mendez says they have to make sense of all this, and Ryan? You have to go see Joe. Well, okay, sure I can see WHAT?

 

Ryan thinks this is a world class terrible idea and there's hardly a chance that Joe would know anything anyway, if he'd even tell them, but Mendez points out that Jeff's life is on the line. Grim music accompanies the fade to commercial. 

 

These Rob Lowe Direct TV commercials have gone just about as far as they can.

 

A helicopter bears Ryan towards whatever remote mountain fastness that contains the keep they're storing Joe Carroll in. He gazes out the window--

 

And we are FINALLY at the ER flashback. Man, that took a while. Jeff is testily demanding where the damn doctor is, and I AM TOTALLY ON HIS SIDE HERE. Remember how I was saying this is the worst ER ever? Well, it's not because it's run down or has creepy horror movie flickering lights or all the staff are clearly graduates of the Dr. Mengele Institute For Patient Care. It's quiet, clean, high tech and uncrowded. And yet there is not one medical professional anywhere near a middle aged man presenting with chest pains! He's not hooked up to any monitors, he's not in a gown--hell, this might as well be a Motel 6 for all the care he's receiving. There's no walk on in scrubs saying everybody's tied up with a car accident, there's no crowd, nothing! Jeff's HMO sucks donkey balls if this is the best he can do. 

 

As for the actual scene, it's pretty much Jeff wanting to leave, Ryan telling him to not stress his heart, "he knows about these things" (his neglected pacemaker immediately jumps to its feet with an indignant screech) and the a lot of blather about how Jeff made Anna so many promises; he was going to learn to tango with her (Ryan: "Tango?" Jeff: "Shut up, Footloose") and the job keeps getting in the way...the best part is the continual coughing fit that alerts NO ONE until Ryan has to loudly request a nurse to maybe come check out the guy with the chest pains who's having trouble breathing. The extra's leisurely saunter over is interrupted by

 

...a cut back to what's clearly a prison. Series of shots of Ryan being led within its walls, deeper and deeper, door after door, buzzer after buzzer, as he clearly steels himself...finally, the last door opens and we see a shot of manacled hands...

 

And we pan up AND IT'S DOCTOR STRAUSS! Remember him? How ya doin', there, Flipper? Seems he's been in long enough for his hand to heal up and he's just tickled pink to see Ryan again (waaaaayyyy back in the first season Strauss was the guy who was Joe's mentor and he captured Ryan and Carrie and he and his latest protege were going to cut them up but they were rescued just in time. Remember? Doesn't trying to trace this show's plot twists feel like trying to remember one of those tedious morning dreams?) 

 

Anyway, this was a good "Hey! Not bad" twist on the show's part, and the guy playing Strauss is totally smacking his lips over the chance to take this character out for another spin. And for once, this makes sense: Strauss is just as likely, if not more so, to remember Andrew (there's a good chance he 'mentored' him, after all) and he's more likely to help out then Joe would be. Good on ya, show. 

 

Anyhoo, Strauss is all didn't expect to see you until my trial! How ya doing? But Ryan gets right down to business, outlining how Strauss would know Andrew and asking if he has any recollections of the little sniveler. Strauss plays dumb for a bit can't resist for long, savoring as Ryan goes on about how he must have taught him to blend in, to hide...Ryan leans forward, all buddy buddy, and says Andrew isn't one of Joe's followers, is he? He's one of Strauss's. Um, okay, but...how did we get there, exactly? Is the idea that Strauss hooked Andrew up with Lily, or what? And was it to spite Joe or for no Joe related reason? 

 

Ryan presses on Kyle and Daisy but Strauss refuses to acknowledge knowing them at all. Here comes the "cooperate and maybe you'll walk out of here instead of in a body bag" and NOPE. There was an overwhelming plethora of evidence linking Strauss to dozens of murders--even if his trial for attempted murder or Ryan and Carrie goes his way there's no way in hell he's seeing the free world again. I'd congratulate Dr. Strauss for not falling for this, but he's as delusional as Ryan, saying he likes his chances at trial. He does? Why? Is his lawyer Mephistopheles? 

 

Ryan switches tactics, saying it's funny that Strauss never asked what Andrew did and Strauss is that's because I don't care, but hey, I'll give you this much: Andrew would need a very powerful motivating factor to do all this public shit. Something like fear.

 

Ryan knows that's all he's gonna get and Strauss, eager for one last salvo, immediately asks "How's Joe?" It's a damn good thing Ryan Hardy never took up professional poker because he'd be walking down the street wearing a barrel with straps in about six hours--despite the fact that various evil guys have needled him about Joe Carroll for years now, he still can't keep a blank face when he hears the name, and Strauss pounces gleefully with the best line of the episode "Awww! You two broke up?" But Ryan heads out the door and Strauss looks all murdery as the camera cuts to his hands (what's that about?) and then back to 

 

Jeff, still working his hands out of that tape as Neil grinds patiently away at his terrifying hobby. Kyle, tired of making out for the moment, yells HOW MUCH LONGER? over the saw just as Jeff gets his hands free and silently thanks him for the distraction. Neil is less pleased, and indicates it in such a way that even Kyle realizes this guy shouldn't be questioned about anything. "I don't like to be rushed," says Neil quietly and Kyle's no no! Course not! Take your time! Please don't dismember me! And then he snarks off again! saying "Not like we're on the clock" to this terrifying giant holding a fucking electric saw. This guy makes that kid from your class who ate paste look like a Rhodes Scholar.

 

The situation is only prevented from becoming Saw V, or whatever number that franchise is on, by Jeff undoing his legs and taking off running! YES! GO JEFF! All three of the others race after him and here we are in Chase In A Dark Giant Space Land. Luckily this one doesn't take too long before Jeff finds an office to hide in that most fortuitously contains a charging cell phone! How often does that happen? In the funniest bit of the episode, he has to take a minute to remember Ryan's number--clearly it's in his own cell and he usually just hits a button. See? Remember how your kindergarten teacher told you to memorize important numbers? 

 

(Don't quite get why he doesn't just dial 911, but hey. It's The Following.)

 

Ryan has been teleported back to headquarters and Mendez is asking about any fruits of the Straussian tree. Ryan's paucity of results recital is interrupted by Jeff's call! Quick, trace this, Day Player Agent! Jeff asks after Anna and Ryan has to get him back on track, asking what he can see, how he got there... but uh oh, Jeff's being interrupted by the heavy steps of Neil! They stop just outside the open office door as Jeff frantically muffles the phone and Ryan's voice can be heard going "hello? hello?" Ryan, shut up!

 

Triangulating and he's somewhere in Reading, Pennsylvania. Ryan charges off and Mendez organizes backup for the third time that day. Hope those SWAT teams are getting overtime. 

 

Back to the Dark Scary Space as Neil peers thoughtfully into the darkened office, but he doesn't go in or turn the light on or anything, lucky for Jeff. A distant clatter catches his ear and he stalks off, leaving Jeff limp with relief. He slowwwwwwly rolls up, heads out the door, and BASH into Kyle, who drops him with a piece of rebar to the forehead. Dammit to hell.

 

Matthew McConaughey would probably make sweet love to that car if anybody would let him.

 

And we're back! More helicopter, which I firmly trust are not all the same shot being reused. The music for the final montage gets an early start as the local police chief meets him with some maps and cars, saying that the cell phone tower covers fifteen square miles. Well, that's not a huge swath, this shouldn't take long, she said trustingly. Apparently there's lots of abandoned industrial lots around but don't worry, they'll find him!

 

I hope they hurry because Jeff is just coming to from his second major head injury to find his situation is unimproved. Neil's putting the finishing touches on his box as Kyle swings in to make Death seem welcome in comparison. He and Daisy do the "good news/bad news" thing about how Jeff's buds don't seem like they're going to make the confession deadline. Jeff looks rather blank at this, which makes sense because I don't think he actually knows about that. Daisy says hey, don't worry, you can save yourself, Romeo? All Jeff has to do is record his own confession and easy peasy he's outta there! 

 

Jeff says he doesn't have anything to confess, and Daisy, with seeming sincerity, says "Please...please reconsider that." She turns to Neil, who's all set to go. He says he was a bit rushed, but he's satisfied, and this box is exactly the right size. "For what?" asks Jeff, and learns a lesson about not asking questions you don't want the answers too when Neil smiles "to put you in." Since the box is clearly nowhere near Jeff-Sized this cannot be good. Not at all.

 

Long scene short, Neil gets his big scene about how he's going to cattle pith needle Jeff in the skull, dislocate his joints and fold him up, with Neil aware of every moment. Jeff looks the opposite of enthused at this. The show seems to be going for some kind of "Hannibal Lecter/Artist Killer" thing here but it has nowhere near earned it. The guy playing Neil is creepy and effective but much more "brother-cousin who is kept in the basement" rather than "fine murder methods connoisseur." Plus, there's no way Lecter would put up with Kyle and Daisy and their constant PDAs and atrocious domestic beer tastes.

 

Over to Ryan and the local PD scouring maps and cursing Reading's industrial slowdown. Max pulls up and announces Tom called in and no Jeff in his search area. She quietly reminds Ryan it's almost eight, and giving Mark what he wants could buy some time. Ryan knows this to be untrue but looks desperate enough to consider it when Mike calls in, saying he's at an industrial park where the local cops saw cars pull in earlier. Shouldn't you and the local guys start searching then, Mike? Or you could sit outside the gates in your car and wait on Max and Ryan, that's good too. Too be fair, also, apparently the group is only two minutes away! From a giant industrial park that saw suspicious activity but nobody apparently thought to connect it to the massive manhunt! Oh, show. Never change.

 

SCREEECH say a bunch of police cars as they charge through the gates and prepare to swarm! Mark is muttering "I could have done that, I totally could have, if I wanted to" as Ryan orders everybody about for the search. He's interrupted by his cell, again (Man, I can see why he chucks that thing at every opportunity. If it's not Luke sending pictures of Claire it's Joe wanting to get all Deep Chat or some such bullshit) and answers to hear Mendez saying there's something he's got to see. I'm guessing it's not a cute cat video.

 

Mendes sends what is apparently a live stream of : Jeff's confession. He says who he is and that he lead the black ops operation that Ryan was on, that Lily was executed in cold blood, that he seeks absolution...You hear Kyle thanking him and see his arm shutting off the camera. Ryan and Max look like they both just got kicked in the stomach.

 

Okay so of course this is where everything just falls apart.  Ryan and everybody storm the place, finding the office and camera where Jeff was filmed, more running around, up and down the darkened halls... and into a well lit room. That contains a box.

 

This whole scene is supposed to be one of growing horror, what with the giant blood trail and Jeff's ID neatly placed atop the tiny coffin (in a nice touch, there's air holes in the lid) but I am, as per usual when The Following wants to freak me out, totally distracted by logistics. This video was apparently either shot in real time or very, very recently, if the back and forthing between the Ryan scenes and the warehouse ones is supposed to be concurrent. That means that Jeff made his "confession," was pithed and folded, stuffed into the box, put in place, and all three of the murderers got away scottfree while the police were storming the warehouse. Seriously, how can that possibly work??? There is no way that could possibly work! I'm willing to excuse these absurdities in a show like Hannibal because of the artistry and heightened off-centeredness of that series, but The Following has done nothing to earn that kind of pass. 

 

But never mind, it's time to wrap things up. (The Following's Motto: Never Mind, Get To The Next Scene.) Ryan, Max and Mike are all sitting in shock outside the warehouse as various police types move around doing things like collecting evidence and cordoning off the crime scene. A EMP comes by and Ryan asks if Jeff suffered much. The guy clearly doesn't want to get into it and tries to fob them off but Mike insists. The best the guy can come up with is that Jeff was probably in shock and a heart attack would have made things "mercifully brief." Ook. Ugh.

 

Ryan stalks off, Mike stares, Max gazes at the ground as Tom sits down next to her, seemingly torn between comfort and questions. Ryan sucker punches a side mirror off an SUV for the promo shot as we cut to Neil tucking is his dad, receiving a "thanks, Neil" for his efforts. Well, somebody had a good day. 

 

Over to a laptop displaying Jeff's confession to Mark at Mondo Mansion while Daisy and Kyle look on nervously. Daisy asks "pretty good, huh?" in a scared squeak since Mark's not looking too pleased, and he's not. Petulantly he says it's fine but he shoulda been there. Daisy's all we really wish we could have taken you, honey, how about we go to the zoo tomorrow? but Mark is not to be soothed and whines that he wanted to see his lying face but the stupidhead FBI ruined everything by finding Spider's place. Kyle once again demonstrates his truly astounding lack of acumen for reading people by choosing this precise moment to mutter "you're lucky you're not dead like Spider." 

 

Mark, who doesn't take direction from people who aren't his disembodied brother well in the best of times, reacts about as well as can be expected. First he's astonished that Kyle would talk to him that way, and Kyle, as is his idiot wont, keeps on going, through Daisy's frantic attempts to turn the conversation, about how he's hearing a lot of whining and crying when he should be hearing thank yous.

 

Look, Kyle, some people can channel the audience and some can't, and you, sir, are no Ryan Hardy. Mark proves that by lunging right at him and slamming him against the doorway by his throat, and you get a sudden sense that when he's not being a pissy little bitch he's pretty damn strong. He whips out a knife and snarls "don't you ever speak to my brother like that." Ohhhh, shit.

 

Daisy leaps in, begging Mark not to kill Kyle; "You need us."  It takes a second, but she gets through, and Mark reluctantly releases a coughing, gagging Kyle and stalks off as Daisy swoops forward to tend to Kyle's wounds. Daisy, I'm going to give you the same advice I gave Emma--you can do better. I don't care how many pants feelings a guy gives you if he's too stupid to keep from mouthing off to crazy serial killers.

 

Cut to the last scene of the night, Ryan in the shower. Sadly, the show will not be paying homage to Kevin's famous scene in Wild Things (rowr.)  He's still thousand yard staring into nothingness as we cut to a last minute flashback--we're back in the Planet's Worst ER once again, with Jeff grousing he's gonna be dead before the damn doctor gets there and Ryan's all yeah, more anger! Gimme more of that! I assume this is him trying to snap Jeff out of his funk but it seems pretty irresponsible, especially from a guy who seemed to understand the value of keeping calm earlier.

 

But their witty patter is interrupted by the long-delayed doctor: WHO IS GWEN! Ahah, so this is how she and Ryan first met! It was really romantic until about six hours ago. She says it's been a busy day (Uh huh. What the hell does a slow day around here look like?) and a bit more banter as she listens to Jeff's heart and says he sounds fine. Oh, okay, then! Glad to spend six hours of my life here to find that out! To be fair she does say she's going to run an EKG but she hasn't done one thing a nurse or intern couldn't have done when they first showed up. I do not get this "Wait And See If He Dies" approach to medical care. Thanks, Obama.

 

Anyway, we cut from Flashback Ryan and Gwyn smiling at each other back to Shower Ryan, still just standing and staring. Speaking of Gwen! Here she is! Stepping into the shower! Um, fully dressed! Once again The Following undercuts what it apparently wants to be an emotional scene with bizarre, unexplainable behavior. Why the hell is Gwen A) wearing clothing to get in the shower (there's no earthly reason she couldn't be shot from the back taking off a robe) and B) why is she wearing a black bra under a flimsy, see through white shirt? Was she just sitting around the house in that getup? She didn't go outside like that, did she?  Is this supposed to be titillating? Moving? What the hell?

 

These are the questions I am left with as as Ryan clutches her and sobs and we fade to the end card and next week promos. Show, seriously, you've had two full seasons to work out kinks like this. GET. IT. TOGETHER. 

 

Okay, that's that for this one. See everybody next week and don't forget: Clothes Off, Then Get In Shower!

Edited by Snookums
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Snookums

Snookums

If you enjoy glorious trainwrecks against the high plains of reality, you bet!

 

The number of people alive if Ryan Hardy shuffled off this mortal coil? Dozens, easily, if you count all the nutjobs committing murders because he's caught their eye in one way or another.

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morgankobi

morgankobi

Ryan's girlfriend is either dead or a mole, of course. 

At first, I though the fact they met at a place he wasn't scheduled to be meant she was legit (therefore dead soon). But then, Ryan and Jeff talk about how long it's taking the doctor. So now it's possible she took so long because she off was murdering the real doctor to take his/her place. (Because this show's track record.)

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thuganomics85

thuganomics85

Oh.... I get the title now.  Cute, show.  You are so witty!  Not.

 

Nothing really surprising here.  The fact that the FBI saved Jeffery's wife was a miracle; no way where they going to get there in time for him.  And, of course, after he goes through with his confession, he's still killed in that horrific way.  Why does anyone takes these serial killers at their word?  And, I know I was suppose to be freaked out by his fate, but all I was thinking was "Somewhere on a better show, Hannibal Lector is sipping on some expansive wine, thinking 'Amateurs.'"  I also don't think it was a coincidence that they got Glenn Fleshler in that role, probably hoping his role in True Detective would rub off on here.

 

Why in the hell are the killing couple putting up with Mark's shit?  Does he have something over him?  What are they gaining by aligning themselves with him?  They seem to be almost doing all the work, and all he does is freak out and threaten them.  Branch out, guys.

 

Of course, Mike is a dick to Max's boyfriend.  Of course, Max's boyfriend acts like a dick back to him.  Moving on...

 

Gwen has to be involved in this.  Zuleikha Robinson is way more capable then just smiling and comforting a naked Kevin Bacon in the shower.

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Dowel Jones

Dowel Jones

SCREEECH say a bunch of police cars as they charge through the gates and prepare to swarm!

 

And, as always, with red lights flashing so as to warn any traffic ahead on the isolated road that there's a cop car coming.  Move over!  Hurry up and kill that guy!

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