S17.E09: Auditions 8

[Mr. Sparkle]

Eighth (and final!) round of auditions airs Tuesday, July 26th, 8:00 PM EDT. 

ETA: not final! 

Edited August 3, 2022 by Superclam

[ams1001]

I usually like tap dancing but there was too much yelling.

I liked the French magician. He was cute and funny and entertaining enough to not make me feel like his trick was taking forever.

Really tired of random audience reaction shots.

Oh, hey, it's the sweater twins (but they're wearing t-shirts this time).

Howie (pointing at stage, mouth agape): "Fire!" Yes, Howie, it's fire. You're very observant. You sound like a three-year-old when you do that. Except it's cute when preschoolers do it.

I liked the teen dancers but the questions and her response about her dad afterward sounded totally scripted.

Side show freak was a good time to get a drink.

So all those random fruit questions were leading up to the big apple...Do they really think we think Sethward is funny? Thank god the auditions are over next week.

[Chit Chat]

2 minutes ago, ams1001 said:

I usually like tap dancing but there was too much yelling.

He's a good dancer but was lacking in presentation.  I had to fast forward through that, and I generally like to see people tap dancing. 

2 minutes ago, ams1001 said:

Really tired of random audience reaction shots.

Agreed!  Cameras on the contestants, please!

My favorite of the night was the young lady singing 'Dancing Queen.'  That was a very nice rendition of that song.  Heidi was right though.  She needs to work on looking up and connecting with the audience.  She has a lot of potential.  

[Frisky Wig]

2 hours ago, ams1001 said:

Really tired of random audience reaction shots.

Howie (pointing at stage, mouth agape): "Fire!" Yes, Howie, it's fire. You're very observant. You sound like a three-year-old when you do that. Except it's cute when preschoolers do it.

I liked the teen dancers but the questions and her response about her dad afterward sounded totally scripted.

Yes, the reaction shots (both judges and audience members) last too long and there’s too many of them. 
 

Was coming on here to mention how annoying it is when Howie points out the obvious. You’re right about it being cute in a toddler who’s just learning English. 
 

Glad I’m not the only one who heard a script in the female teen dancers responses. It also bugged me how differently she and her partner were costumed.  She’s in a nice, embellished dress and he looks like he’s headed to Target to pick up some antiseptic cream for that ugly septum piercing he has.  

Edited July 27, 2022 by Frisky Wig

[Neet]

Bayley Graham - This guy was an annoying twerp, as many of the acts seem to be. Never mind the reasoning as to why something like this would headline a Vegas show, his attempt to hype up the paid off audience just got in the way of properly fast forwarding because it kept seeming like he was done. Another tap dancing routine that 'clogs' the airwaves. He's from New Zealand and came to America to audition because there's seemingly a bigger circle for tap. Just because homeless people dancing on the sidewalk get coins thrown in their coffee cup, doesn't mean there's a voluntary audience for it.

Freckled Zelda - Since being overweight and filled with trivia about fictional damsels is our domain, I'd complain about attention seeking women ruining video games if there were something to ruin. I can't imagine how she has 7 million TikTok followers, when her tries at humor were utterly terrible and following the wallet test, (would I spend a full paycheck for her to say my name on a Twitch stream?) I felt nothing. She sung Disney's "Colors of the Wind", which I didn't know because I'm on the spectrum, so blow me. That was a forced pun, even though I really don't know the song. The singing was alright, but this seems like a very niche thing, follower count notwithstanding. She can make a living online from pretty much existing, despite possibly looking like a Chess club president without the cosplay. Perhaps that's why it's difficult to connect with her act; the quirky gamer girl shtick is too disingenuous to think she's serious about everything else. She's like a more exaggerated version of Leah Marlene from American Idol (if anyone watched it, probably not), who was also a pill.

Maxence Vire - Like all magic tricks, he gets 5-10 minutes without interruption no matter how convoluted it is. The trick eventually came full circle and was pretty good. His style is similar to Piff the Magic Dragon without the urge to put him in a headlock. Howie expressed fear when giving away his credit card, even though his financial and personal information is probably already shared across multiple foreign think tanks he's never heard of. Solid act.

RCC Aruba - Based on their many previous locales of vacation destinations, I take it that wading through 3 feet of snow for a tour date in Concord, New Hampshire isn't on the itinerary. It was pretty pointless for them to spend a while talking about being from Cuba et al. when they moved away 20 years ago, which is odd and quite different from the nobility of me filling with tears and applying black eyeliner while still listening to songs about high school. They're another gymnastics troupe, which are hit or miss for the most part. Before starting, they said they lost their luggage. It's a good thing somebody had a giant inflatable with 'Aruba' written on it to lend out. The stunts were really good, for once, which is a bit surprising when most of these acts are similar, so I don't know what the difference is. The final trick was the main guy getting blindfolded and flying through a ring of fire, making Johnny Cash sound boring as hell for just sitting there droning on about his.
I assume this guy met his wife while blindfolded, since, to sound catty, he is way out of her league and must simply have a thing for MILs. ('mothers I like' - as in, they're just OK)

Don McMillan - There were two unfunny women who came before him. The first one was a 40 year old woman talking about her post-pregnancy body, and she'd be a great person to have around when the entertainment industry is getting inspected. "See, nobody's trying to do anything here, the casting couch doesn't exist and never has". That "OH-MY-GOD" kind of delivery is a hallmark for female comedians, I don't think it has ever enhanced a joke.
After her was an Asian woman talking about Asian stereotypes, since they seemingly only want to stop those when a TV news camera is present. In their defence, this routine probably did not take an 80 hour work week to come up with.
Anyway, Don came to the rescue with a pretty solid routine. He'd probably be funny without the charts, but it's an infrequent occasion when a prop didn't ruin the show. That last bit about marriage was pretty weak, though.

Ava Swiss - Her song was a cover of "Remember" by Lauren Daigle. Ah, Lauren Daigle. A fine soul that always made me want a Christian wife with traditional values, at least until I throw a fit when she won't recreate certain degrading videos to a T and I act completely blindsided. It's hard to say "women should do more on this show besides sing", but after the standup from earlier, I'm torn. I say the same thing all the time, it gets very difficult to be moved by a song when music is everywhere and treated as disposable, so another good voice doesn't mean much.

Ciara Hines & Trey Rich - There's an obvious reason why they weren't subjected to the 'are you dating?' interrogation like most other duos are, even though it's not worth mentioning because joining dance class to 'meet girls' is a farce from Archie Comics or something. As Ciara has yet to turn 18, all I can do is put my fist under my chin and posit observations like "I believe her style may have incorporated the Vaganova method of ballet? Maybe a tad Neoclassical?" with all the fake enthusiasm I can muster. Jokes aside, this was actually a step up from most of the dancing duets and it would not be utter misery to see again.

Auzzy Blood - There's at least one sword swallower every season, which isn't unwelcome, but it's difficult to rate it on a scale of entertainment when making high-pitched noises of revulsion and trying not to look away. He looked like Marilyn Manson's son, which might give credence to men wanting to wear makeup being genetic. While initially thinking this was performance art as a testament to American insurance being so bad, their citizens try to give themselves appendectomies to save money, Auzzy stood out from other sword swallowers by using a curved blade and letting Howie guide one of the swords down his throat. A rare time where judge participation didn't have me checking my nonexistent watch repeatedly. It was a good act and impressive, but one that is hard to understand how anybody would begin getting into it aside from getting desperate to find a talent upon discovering their singing voice is subpar.

Duo Mico - "I joined forces with this tall and muscular guy to prove myself as my own performer" is a very elaborate way of cheating on her husband, who is ashamed enough to wear a mask while controlling the winch, probably trying to manipulate the other guy to land on his head. Maybe this was just late-episode fatigue setting in, but I was zoning out hard during this.

Debii Dawson - When asked about her reason for auditioning, she said she wanted to make the dream a reality. I was gobsmacked how this actually required work instead of putting clip-outs of Ferrari convertibles and gold-digging wives on my vision board. There was a weirdly elongated bit at the start with Simon chastising Debii for her parents not being there, probably because he's wracked with guilt for the eventual future of his son taking his inheritance and moving far away. I thought her song was an original, which would have been impressive because those are rarely good, but it was Dancing Queen by ABBA. A cruel nod to Trey Rich from earlier, but I guess Debii knew how the editing process was going to go. Unlike 90% of each show, I thought this was a great performance and she has a unique tone.

The Big Apple - What was he thinking when going out there dressed as a low calorie snack? It's no surprise he was greeted with a hostile American audience. Anyway, after several minutes of shitty jokes that were just like the comedian dedicated to pants a few weeks ago (who made it through, somehow), the guy crawls out in a worm costume and it's 'Sethward'. Cue the fireworks, because for how many times he's been on the show, I don't remember him whatsoever. It's apparently a feat to be an unfunny turd on the same stage for years.

Hopefully this really is the last auditions episode now. I checked the ratings for this season and the viewership is around 6 million per episode, which is close to the average for the past few years. (it used to be 10 million in 2019) You'd assume that the lack of live audience from 2020 made people quit watching and they're unaware the audience came back this year, or there never were any restrictions and the previous studio plants merely jumped ship for good upon realizing how repetitive this dreck is.

[InternetToughGuy]

Not related to the show, but has anyone felt the climate change from mildly pleasant in Spring to hot in Summer? My favorite networks with extremely poor track records of truth telling may be right to demand we live more miserable lives to combat this issue.

///

Bayley Graham - He won the New Zealand (one of the few countries with the esteemed distinction of being more irrelevant than Canada) version of America's Got Talent called 60 Seconds, which sounds like the retooled version of 60 Minutes for the next generation who prefers to be fed fictitious stories in bite sized doses. I thought it was extremely boring and looked like how he'd wake up his legs from standing in line all night for the new iPhone, so obviously it wouldn't translate to a Las Vegas act, which so few of these acts do, which may explain why AGT success is rarer than water in that part of Nevada. The backing track's singer proclaiming "this is the greatest show" obviously comes from an entitled punk who has never suffered through a single moment of this crap.

Freckled Zelda - Her name is derived from the Zelda games, which are named after the princess who literally does no work while a man risks his life to save her multiple times. Even as a kid I was pissed over that, despite refusing to see the irony in my adult self sitting on the couch waiting for some hard working female doctor to come scoop me up and spend her earnings on a giant waterslide for me - I'm like Mackenzie Bezos, but without breasts (another issue to be resolved by the money). Anyways, the opening of the act was embarrassing, though I guess the average BMI of the viewer went up for any obese sons who waddled out of their rooms to see where the ocarina was coming from. Song was bad, everything was bad.

Maxence Vire - A Frenchman from France is pretty rare indeed nowadays, though his voice reminds me of the imitation I devote myself to when I hear girls like foreign guys, at least before I realize they mean everything beneath the beret is tall and muscular. This was another act where he thinks being annoying as all hell is supposed to be endearing, but judging by the applause, it apparently works, assuming the audiences aren't all made of holograms, which is a conspiracy that can't be written off, lest I realize having a deep scowl carved in ones face while others enjoy themselves isn't normal. In France or any other civilized country, it would be taken as a harmless prank, but for the typical fat American, finding milk in a can of soda would lead to the largest lawsuit in U.S. history. It was annoying.

RCC Aruba - Southern Florida seems to be like a soccer net with no goalie, since millions of South Americans and Cubans, etc. seem to just come into the US from there and it's all good. I guess writing several hundred pages of legislature on the importation and possession of Kinder Surprise eggs was a more pressing matter. Pointing out the writing on their shirts seemed like a Holloway (my condolences) to introduce the group, since it said exactly what the initials stood for. Anyway, it was a rare time where the act was pretty decent. The compulsion to take their shirts off is a western thing where Americans are so in denial of their health woes that they won't believe you are in good shape even if you are standing in front of them. I always thought the collective "woo!" of the audience to include a member who is covered in shitty tattoos was odd and it happens all the time.

Gina Stahl-Haven - The first in the typical series of subpar acts before introducing someone who usually just gets more screen time to suck. Obviously it goes without saying that young women are hilarious, even when my only evidence is having seen the back of a girl's head from across the room. Youthful beauty makes me invent all sorts of qualities that mysteriously vanish with time. That female delivery of wide eyes and high pitched voice to describe the jokes is so grating. I don't really know how to describe it, since my only communication with women is the diametric opposites of nervous nodding and fidgeting in person and me yelling commands of dominance to prerecorded adult entertainment on the computer.

Kim Evey - Her first name being Kim instead of her last name has just dramatically narrowed down the amount of Asians I have to look through to find her Instagram. I know the editor trims down the whole routine, but you would never give out praise for just two jokes that would elicit a nose whistle on the best day.

Don McMillan - I always flip flop between wanting to credit the invention of comedy to men or young women for just existing, but the male comedians are better every single time. About half of his routine was funny, which is more that can be said about all the others, so it's good enough.

Ava Swiss - I waved and talked at the TV in an infantile tone due to mistakenly thinking she was 17 years and 11 months old. Just like 99.9999999% of the modern world and the millions of years of previous generations who I'm sure secretly wrestled with similar shame, I couldn't live with myself if I thought someone that young was pretty. Obsessive fixation on a woman's past is my specialty, but the story colored the performance way too much and it was just boring, but I naturally shift blame to the male stagehand.

Ciara Hines & Trey Rich - These types of dance pairs always seem to be a special way from the boy's therapist telling him to communicate that he is gay without using words in case his non-accepting Father is nearby. As far as dancing goes, it was actually pretty good, which is quite the compliment. Some people may say a young interracial couple dancing together is groundbreaking, which I may or may not agree with, but I am all in favor of what some perceive as unconventional arrangements, at least for the sake of normalizing my conviction that my future (gold digging) wife hasn't even been born yet.

Auzzy Blood - With how much I looked away from the TV in disgust, you'd think this act was a troupe of overweight Mums trying to be sexy. I did look away for most of it, but it was still pretty entertaining. It's getting harder to let people know you are a sideshow freak with appearance only, as it seems the Fathers of teenage girls have begun allotting their college funds towards getting as many shitty flower and Sanskrit tattoos as possible on their 18th birthdays - if only I could find myself a nice Christian girl who didn't fall for this, while knowing I'd have to endure decades of silently loathing the religious engagements I'd be forced to participate in.

Duo Mico - I appreciate the crowd giving a loud clap for her and a silent and not too stimulating clap for him upon hearing he's from Montreal - I can attest that Canadian heritage is tantamount to having a learning disability. Howie jumped out of his seat and said "we've never seen anything like this", automatically outing himself as a replacement Howie and simultaneously proving the original can indeed fatally overdose on hand soap. It wasn't really anything special. The modern western man seeks purpose and strength from KPop which is obvious by how the guy protected the Asian girl with his life. You can only imagine how lacking in care he would be if his partner was a complainy white girl with a raging "me" attitude (like the one I just casually Venmo'd my whole paycheck).

Debii Dawson - Thinking she was that dark while being from Minnesota made me think she holds a world record for greatest sensitivity to sun before eventually cluing in that she was actually Indian, possibly due to me being convinced that half of the countries on any given map are made up, which coincides with my tendency to terminate FaceTime calls when anyone provides easily accessible proof of the contrary. The performance was pretty decent, helped of course by her being a poopy pie. You know I have a problem when upon hearing the lyrics "Young and sweet, only seventeen" instinctively made me toss my laptop into the dumpster, despite having done nothing wrong.

The Big Apple - The old adage of an apple a day keeping the doctor away doesn't make sense in America when the doctor himself would probably count making a housecall via car as a month's worth of exercise. I was already mentally checked out here, so I can't say I mind the show ending on an extremely crappy note. I do wonder if this guy's repeated appearances on this show have translated into attractive girls wanting to have sex with him, since I imagine that's the main reason why men would want to do anything. This guy wriggling around on the floor is abhorrent here, yet perfectly normal behavior when I'm frantically begging the town bike to take me back after I caught her cheating on me on my birthday (it helped that the guy was wearing a party hat while pounding her better than I ever could, I was touched). Act was shit obviously.

///

This could be a record for least commentary on the actual show being given, but I only care about me, so what does it matter. At least the auditions are finally over.

[ams1001]

6 hours ago, Neet said:

Anyway, Don came to the rescue with a pretty solid routine. He'd probably be funny without the charts,

I enjoyed the charts, but I'm also a nerd (and a bit of an Excel nerd, at that).

6 hours ago, Neet said:

but it's difficult to rate it on a scale of entertainment when making high-pitched noises of revulsion and trying not to look away.

I don't even try to not look away anymore. I usually leave the room altogether. Can't watch these types of acts.

6 hours ago, InternetToughGuy said:

Howie jumped out of his seat and said "we've never seen anything like this", automatically outing himself as a replacement Howie

I think they just have short memories. I don't know the last time we saw something truly different on this show.

[Tango64]

This show has become sooooo repetitious and aggressively boring. It's like they're daring us to be entertained. 

They could run an episode from five years ago and I wouldn't know it's a rerun, because now it all looks like a rerun.

And the Sethward crap feels like the producers not so subtly expressing their hatred for the audience: "Still watching and actually want to see something good? Screw you! Here's more Sethward!"

[PBnJay]

I am in no way involved in the music industry (*coughsimoncough*) or even know any musicians yet I know what an ocarina is. WTH you dumbass judges. Oh yeah, right, they were just reading their scripts. Alrighty then.

I can barely watch this show because I dislike Simon so intensely, and the show, I mean HIS show, insists on showing his (fake) reactions to every single thing, whether it be a noise, vibration of the air, what he had for lunch or every act. And while I like Terry, I'm really tired of his "OMG DID YOU SEE THAT!" reactions while standing in the wings.

There was a singer I liked last night, don't know who she was. Barely saw the other acts and quit watching altogether when Marilyn Manson Jr. was on. 

[Vermicious Knid]

The Asian comedian's first joke was a repurposed Margaret Cho joke from thirty years ago.

[Mr. Sparkle]

As requested by exactly no one:

• Bayley Graham - nice kid, but I rarely like dance, and this didn't change that. I actually thought he was pretty mediocre at what he does. 
• Freckled Zelda - good singer, terrible song choice, the schtick actually grew tired while she was still on stage. 
• French magician - I thought he was pretty good. We've seen a version of that trick a million times, but his delivery sold it. 
• RCC Aruba - I'm tired of people jumping around. All of those acts are the same to me. 
• Chart Comic - Interestingly enough, I saw a yahoo article earlier Tuesday teasing this act, saying something like "you won't believe the direction he took!" I though he was moderately funny, but not particularly edgy.
• Ava Swiss - I'm going to Hell, because I fast forwarded her song. 
• Young BFF dancers - again, nice kids, I'm not a dance fan. They were better than the tap dancer. 
• Auzzy Blood - sword swallowing is boring by nature, but he has natural showmanship. If he expanded his act, he could go somewhere. 
• Duo Mica - I think we saw an exact version of this act a few weeks ago. It's ok to watch, but ultimately unforgettable. 
• Debii Dawson - she's adorable, but I don't like her voice, and I didn't like her version of Dancing Queen. 
• Sethward - so it's either: 1. his father is a producer or a friend of a producer; 2. he's having sex with a producer; 3. he has pictures of a producer having sex with someone or something they shouldn't be having sex with or 4. some producer actually thinks he's funny. I can't imagine it's #4. 

[Chit Chat]

20 hours ago, Tango64 said:

And the Sethward crap feels like the producers not so subtly expressing their hatred for the audience: "Still watching and actually want to see something good? Screw you! Here's more Sethward!"

The joke was lost on me.  I don't remember him at all. ;) 

[Jennabelle88]

Bayley Graham - I thought he was pretty good, but there's only so much you can do with tap. It bores me. 

Freckled Zelda - She truly believes she's a fairy? Well... good for her, I guess.

Maxence Vire - I loved his act. He was funny and confident and his stuff just landed with me. 

RCC Aruba - Why must every male act insist on stripping? *sigh*

Don McMillan - He was alright, but not an act I'd pay to watch. 

Ava Swiss - I didn't really think she was all that good. 

Ciara Hines & Trey Rich - I thought they were okay, but their dance seemed repetitive. 

Auzzy Blood - I didn't watch this. 

Duo Mico - I thought they were pretty good, but after a while, all of these aerial acts start to look the same. 

Debii Dawson - I thought her voice was nice. It was unique. But I felt her ending was flat. 

The Big Apple - How much longer are we to endure this Sethward repeatedly showing up?

[InternetToughGuy]

7 hours ago, Superclam said:

Sethward - so it's either: 1. his father is a producer or a friend of a producer; 2. he's having sex with a producer; 3. he has pictures of a producer having sex with someone or something they shouldn't be having sex with or 4. some producer actually thinks he's funny. I can't imagine it's #4.

That was a good laugh 😂. For the love of God it better not be number 2, as the idea of him of all people outperforming me in the dating pool would be too embarrassing to go on living.

[Lonesome Rhodes]

When a jidge calls attention to some obvious goings on, it's not because they are dense.  They have been coached to do it so that many of the AGT viewers will not miss it.   It also adds to the false hype which drives the entire enterprise.

Did you know that 100% of you who are reading this will die?  Oh, I can tell you that one killed at my audition.

I don't know why, but the milk inside the cola can trick struck me as brilliant.  Something about how the can had to be manipulated.  Of course, he didn't open it in the usual manner.  He cut it up from the side.  I really did enjoy his sarcastic patter.

The Sonic vignettes are horrid.  Who knew the Dunkin ones would be Wellesian in comparison? 

I am always curious to see the producer shenanigans in placement of the returning acts, and in things like song choice.  As always, there are a few truly excellent acts to look forward to, as well.

[Vermicious Knid]

I knew something was up because they don't usually have a terrible act in the final slot. Wasn't expecting it to be Sethward, yet again. Didn't they pass him through last time so he wouldn't be eligible anymore?

French magician didn't do anything mind blowing but he was entertaining and the tricks worked. Easily the best audition of the night.

[Frisky Wig]

On 7/28/2022 at 7:55 AM, Jennabelle88 said:

RCC Aruba - Why must every male act insist on stripping? *sigh*

So that the camera can immediately cut to Sofia and/or Heidi swooning! Every. Damn. Time. Sofia and Heidi act like they’ve never seen a man take off his shirt on stage even though it happens in every episode. It’s annoying and yet another repetitive thing I’m tired of on this show. 

[marketdoctor]

On 7/28/2022 at 8:16 AM, ChitChat said:

The joke was lost on me.  I don't remember him at all. ;) 

He does different costumes (right on the puppet/costume line), but it's basically the same act (puns about his costume.)  He usually gets 4 Xs, and they keep putting him back on, because...OK, I'm not sure why either,  Maybe they hate the "two yes" acts?

It was interesting that RCC beat them to the punch about "you've never seen an act like this before", for an act that most of us have seen on this show earlier this season.

ETA:  It was a good act, and they were up against some challenges--maybe the difference is technical, like when two singers do different Taylor Swift song covers.

Edited August 2, 2022 by marketdoctor