S17.E02: Auditions 2

[Mr. Sparkle]

Second round of auditions premieres at 8 EDT, Tuesday, June 7th. 

[ams1001]

They ain't gonna win but I enjoyed the chickens.

Funkenometry are 19 and 20? They look 15. Or maybe I'm just getting old. Their dance might be in sync but their patter needs some work. (Thank you, show, for letting us know that someone in the audience thinks they're cute. That was important.)

The audience reaction shots (which are probably fake) are completely ridiculous.

I liked the country singer (and I'm not much of a country fan). He's cute. I guess we like originals again this season.

"I'm a translator...when I screw up I'm the only one who knows about it."

I do not believe for one second that the judges believe Madison is just some random audience member who got picked to sing during the commercial.

And we got my first muting of the night. "What would you do with a million dollars, Young Lady?" "I, I, SOB..." -mute.

Do we really need to watch Simon talking to Sophia like she's a complete idiot? Is that supposed to be funny?

I missed a bunch of stuff cuz I was only half watching from the kitchen but that last one was quite possibly the most disturbing thing I've ever seen on this show.

[Tango64]

Did I miss something about the sexy chemical engineer? Was his whole act just taking off his shirt and moving his abs for a few seconds? I mean, even if you like that, shouldn’t he be dancing or something?

I was tempted to get my stopwatch app and dissect how much of the chicken act was audience and judge reactions versus showing the act itself, but then I realized that would make me a sad human being. I think we know how it would turn out. 

[OLynn33]

5 hours ago, ams1001 said:

The audience reaction shots (which are probably fake) are completely ridiculous

The WORST. And not just shots there are subtitles too. So distracting.

I really didn't understand the set up with the girl. Would have been great if she just auditioned because she would have wowed regardless. This show is WAY too over produced.

Even on the fastest speed fast forwarding I saw too much of that weird assed sh*t at the end.

[Vermicious Knid]

They faked us out with the Golden Buzzer happening only halfway through. Really enjoyed Aiko. The question is if she has the material for more rounds.

Surprise singer was yelling more than singing. She needs to learn modulation or she'll shred her vocal chords in a few years.

[Neet]

Similar to when I'm asked about my employment prospects, I don't have much to say about this episode. It was a steep drop off from last week's premiere, which come to think of it, was probably the same trash as usual but with an "it's been a while" sheen.

The Bock and Roll Band - Why even bother putting together an act with chickens when the shelf life is only a few years long. (potentially more, if frozen) It's got to be a headache to think of how to push this any further, never mind how a 90 second performance can find a home in Vegas. Some guy - or girl, in the name of fairness, is going to lose their home equity at the casino and will be expected to find comfort in a chick pecking at a drum that requires binoculars to see.

Funkanometry - I can feel high and mighty when critiquing dancing, as I'll never be required to actually do it myself and acknowledge that the human body is in fact not capable of video game physics. I didn't see the entertainment in this at all, it looked like a TikTok dance that went on longer than usual. (from my experience, TikTok video limits are 5 seconds for men and 60 minutes for teenage girls?) Perhaps that million dollars will be well suited for licensing a pop song for one usage, as the music makes up most of the reason why people watch the clips to begin with.

Drake Milligan - Trying to ignore my rage at him being attractive, Drake said he impersonated Elvis until discovering his own style. A style that sounded like a modern Elvis, which makes sense because he's probably still alive somewhere. A useless addition was the band that had a guy doing backing vocals that were 5% audible at best. Funny how one of the judges pointed at the cheering audience and said they're there to support him. Is someone going to tell him? "Support" for any talent show participant lasts less time than a pregnancy, as once they give birth to a debut album, the fans are gone. American Idol ended two weeks ago and it's already irksome to hear (albeit, rarely) any news about the contestants putting pen to pad for new material, I'm unlikely to ever play it. Music in general is starting to feel like a worthless commodity, there's just too much of it and everyone's attention span has gotten too low to properly appreciate it. What's this about, again? Oh yeah, Drake... it was alright.

George - A family member whispered into my ear that he was on the TV and my eyes widened in shock. Trying to think of which corrupt leader this guy was impersonating didn't narrow it down any more. The material was weak, which you know is true when Howie is the one telling you, since he does the same style to often the same effect.

Aiko Tanaka - There must be some incident involving a female comedian in Howie's past that wracks him with guilt, because he must be trying to atone for something every time he's sent into fake hysterics with such simple material. Even casting aside my propensity to expect a kiss from laughing before women finish their sentence, I'll admit that some of her jokes were alright. Like I've been deployed in several wars and have 'seen some shit', I didn't laugh or smile and just stared at her with a blank expression, but could acknowledge there was a solid attempt made. For a real explanation, even though Aiko didn't do this, my real problem with most female comedy is that they forgo punchlines and real writing for bravado, which is empty when throwing out statements with no twist and expecting relatability and yelling to be the joke. There's a girl on TikTok I watch who does "comedy" videos that pretty much just explain a situation with every element you'd expect, in a hyper tone. She's not hot, either, so watching her must be a form of self harm that doesn't leave any marks for someone to inquire about. Either that or for getting philosophical about what defines humor, because examples like this mean there's more research to do.

Madison Taylor Baez - AGT is beyond frustrating with how overproduced it is. The audience is fake as hell and there are also these segments that expect viewers to think there was no planning involved whatsoever. Yeah, the runs were impressive. Especially so to the homegrown viewership of Americans that regard running and walking as some kind of plyometric theory taught in university. Anyway, her vocals were quite good to me because I have a shit ear and can associate pageantry with good technique, but it was a waste of time to have all that pomp and circumstance only for her to sing the same song twice. The bar for singers on this show is so low that we're going to hear the one song for 3 months and we're expected to like it. Oh, and Howie punched that golden embellishment on the desk for this. If you think that means he'll extend any post-show support/connections to her, welcome to your first season of this program.

Fusion Japan - America is such a melting pot that mixing Japan with Japan is seen as impressive. Not to purport the stereotype of Asians being good at math because these guys evidently aren't; they were two dancing groups in stiff competition and the solution was to dilute their potential winnings even more than they already were? Buying plane tickets home to tell their family they won and then fly back would deplete the full payment. The performance was entertaining, though these dance groups are so common that it's easy to get desensitized to what they're doing.

Marvin Achi - I was praying this act would be about him explaining the mechanics behind his fake muscles so my envy would dissipate. The whole performance was him flexing and contorting his abs, not really doing a routine or anything. "How can he spill all those chemicals on his body?", asks the average person covered head to toe in sunscreen. Now that the chemical engineering part of his set has been quashed, there's nothing left for him to do besides stand there and pose in front of an audience that can't relate to physical effort. I'll assume he was put through because saying or doing anything questionable before adding the phrase "it's science" is seen as impressive. Another stupid act that's allowed to advance, then they'll put on their 'game face' for the next round like they're not kept around as a joke.

Viviana Rossi - This was an interesting act, even though it's one that has been done many times before. Having heard of the AGT Extreme contestant who got paralyzed during rehearsal, it's now more realistic to see how these can go wrong. The crowd fell hush in hopes that Viviana didn't get hurt, as did Simon in terms of hoping there wouldn't be a second accident victim that he'd elect to not pay any money to when the cameras stop rolling. (I don't know if he did, but I heard nothing - obviously, contestants sign a waiver, but still) Doing this stunt over a bathtub made it a lot more tense, probably just because it was easy to imagine an awkward landing on the side of the tub if she fell. Since she still has a slim figure, I'll assume she's not married. Good stuff overall.

Jojo and Bri  - Pretty sure that a guy with his hair like that and going by the name of Jojo will never be confused as the girl's father. Despite my overwhelming Peter Pan syndrome, I have the competence to understand that other kids eventually grow up, so how bankable this is going to be down the line is up for debate. At least in terms of one camp arguing for them being able to fill a venue of 10 and the other camp claiming a venue of 5. I thought this act would get X'd relatively fast, or Simon would say that the girl was the real star and her uncle should put on some properly fitting pants. Even then, it's hard to picture any singer from here being a big name unless in the literal sense where Bri stands for something 10 syllables long.

Zombie Ballet - I thought this was a joke performance, like the usual time killing segments where the audience has to be treated like idiots and shown a bad version of something featuring incognito crew members so they can figure out that the real act is supposed to be the good one. Apparently, this group won another show, so the only other explanation is that they got buzzed out before getting into the bulk of their routine. The 'dancing', or lack thereof reminded me of myself walking to the fridge upon waking up at 3 PM on a weekday, so it was nothing new. AGT is rife with acts trying to be evil, which is never not embarrassing. Especially when the same dozen actors in the crowd are raving about how terrified they are over nothing. Like a kid with broccoli, I want to backhand those plants.

Zeno Sputafuoco - He must've been confused when someone told him his act needed a hook. That was Howie-tier, I'm sorry. Hopefully he has more tricks besides shoving objects in his mouth/nose, though being repulsed at these kinds of tricks is still entertaining compared to the kind of repulsion that comes with watching the once-per-season 500 pound guy pole dancing or some other variation of that. We haven't seen one yet, but it's probably coming.

MetaPhysic Synthetic Media - How many Americans come from fatherless homes? Everyone on this show latches onto the judges like some lost boy who needs a proto-guardian to teach him about shaving. Framing a performance around them is the cheapest way to get a reaction and has been overused for at least a decade. Anyway, this duo's act is about faceswap technology, pretty much, unless they can do more. Having borderline obsessions with various celebrities, I am quite intimate with deepfakes and their uses, but thanks for the remedial explanation. The whole routine was Simon's face projected on a screen while Daniel Emmet was on stage singing for him. Now it sounds like Daniel is tormented by losing to a guy who plays with cards and vows to win by competing once more via any loophole possible. Also, since he was the only one on stage, it felt more like his act than the guys who pressed a button and walked away. DJs doing that during a "live set" is enamoring, but not here. I don't see Simon as a replacement father or questionable lover, so I didn't think this was funny, but the initial shock would wear off within 10 seconds. After that, what's supposed to keep everyone engaged for another 2 minutes?

Talking about the show took longer than it did to watch, and yet watching it was just as big of a pill. So much for 'nothing to say', even though very little of it was praise. What a decline of a week, I don't think there was a single act I'd be distraught about getting eliminated. Half of them I probably won't even remember by the time eliminations start.

Edited June 8, 2022 by Neet

[InternetToughGuy]

I don't remember how this show started, possibly because extreme disinterest has already set in. This episode was way worse than last week, probably due to more singers and lack of anyone very likeable. Since the episode seemed to go on forever, I may have to inject some real commentary in to avoid the stupidity from becoming overbearing. The acts that were out in 5 seconds will be omitted since there's nothing to say.

///

The Bock and Roll Band - It seems stupid to name the act after the portion of it that lasted for 10 seconds. It took me over a minute to remember what a chicken was since my brain has already been conditioned to accept Bill Gates' mung bean burgers as the main source of nutrients. I don't see where this can go, since animal acts always become annoying and seem to inevitably result in one routine where the animals don't cooperate. The band portion seemed to get the most applause, yet was the most boring, as it sounded like what would happen if you gave Tekashi 69 a real instrument (I assume no one here knows who he is - no, he was not on AGT). Overall not very good, but at least it's not dogs doing this, though the upside of having them would be not needing to squint to see what's going on even in the front row.

Funkanometry - Their bit at the beginning where they said the world needs more smiles didn't make a lot of sense to me, since I routinely laugh when I help ruin celebrities' lives over old tweets. These guys actually live really close to me and it appears they have enough brain cells to GTFO to somewhere that doesn't suck. Other than letting out a deep passive aggressive sigh at the fact that they weren't wearing masks while outdoors, they seem to have fairly likeable personalities. The act was pretty good as far as dance acts go, though it seems like it'll get a little tiring later on. I understand the funk part of their name, but I assume the only math portion is figuring out how to divide a million dollar prize that is undergoing hyperinflation in real time.

Drake Milligan - Any act that is slightly better looking than me gets the crossed arms and catty woman glare. Anyway, the song was alright, though country music is basically a list of cliches sung with 2 kinds of voices, so a song being good or not seems random. I guess he'll be another Drake whose fanbase consists of 99% white girls - somewhat of a meaningless statement since higher education has made me blind to color and attempting to define what a girl is is threatened with expulsion. Backup singers making animated faces while you are unable to hear their voice in the mix is something I've thought is funny for years. Not much to say.

George - Hey, it's the last real president who was for the people (OK, not really) but he still tried to do his best (still no). Enough time has passed that I'm sure the only thing Americans remember is him throwing out the first pitch at the World Series due to their love of eating hot dogs and sitting down. I don't actually care, I just find the collective obsession with politics to be funny since innocent remarks about the opposing side cause neighbors to wrestle on the front lawn. Anyways, the first half of the bit was about everyone knowing exactly who he was imitating and then feeling the need to explain it very slowly, possibly because anyone under 20 is also playing a video game and scrolling through Twitter while watching this show at 10% attention. The material was pretty lame, not helped by the need of music in the background and the constant cuts to Terry making an O face.

Aiko Tanaka - I ❤️ her body, which is a praise almost no female comedian receives. The material wasn't very good, though I can see how it could've been better if the delivery wasn't so stilted, since you could tell what was coming from the beginning of the sentence. All the judge commentary was skipped, but the blog I'm reading off of says she said her Mom died during the pandemic - me and the doomsday prepper who spends his days staring at the sea waiting for Noah's Ark to come back want to have a nonsensical argument about that. Like anyone in that circle, I'm free all work week long if you want to set up a time.

Madison Taylor Baez - Any possible chance at good will was removed when she started doing one of the most annoying songs ever. There was some slight intrigue at her sitting in the crowd, since the randomness of selection reminded me of when I am pointed out in police lineups for something I didn't do, probably due to a full wardrobe of grey hoodies and downright creepy bone structure. The commentary was skipped again, but apparently Dad is battling cancer. Since it seems one in ten people on American TV are battling serious illness, they might want to examine a culture built on guzzling sodas and staring at a glowing rectangle all day.

Fusion Japan - This may be the only foreign act where my redneck ass isn't yelling at the TV for them to speak English, since Japanese is such a beautiful tongue, which perhaps explains their adult industry's fondness of sloppy kissing. Is it a requirement for these dance troupes to have one kid dramatically younger than the rest? I just rewatched the performance and was staring through the screen again, but it seemed like the guys were doing all the athletic stuff while the girls waved Nascar flags in sync. Of course I praise women just for existing, so that didn't hurt the performance at all. You have to wonder what they were thinking when combining the 2 groups, since if they won, that'd be like $15,000 a head. I guess they must be so used to being forcefully packed into the Tokyo trains that all of them sharing a small house with 50 sqft of personal space sounds luxurious.

Marvin Achi - Looking at all those test tubes and chemicals while my Father was watching with me, I had to hide my excitement at the possibility of him turning me into a girl from a distance, though the more likely use for them was all the additives that need to be added to a piece of fruit to keep an American from retching at the idea of health (a rare time I was giggling while typing). Now that it's exposed that the chemistry props aren't actually a part of the act, how long until the novelty of what looks like his body having severe indigestion after a barbecue totally wears off.?

Viviana Rossi - Apparently she's only 26, which is a far cry from the arbitrary 40 I assign to every woman who doesn't wear overalls and pigtails. I thought the act was boring other than looking at her ""butt"" (sorry for swearing). All of these acts seem to carry a pretentious "life is precious" message no matter how it's delivered, not to mention the total mystery as to how you'd drag it out to fill up a whole show, though I guess to her benefit, anyone under 20 can only be amused for 3 minute doses before needing a break. She ended the routine with a move reminiscent of what I did after the girl I knew for a weekend didn't want to elope.

Jojo and Bri - "Ain't no Earth that's flat enough, ain't no moon that's fake enough 🎵". After being gifted an Alex Jones subscription for Christmas, that really is how I heard the song. This is another song that seems to fall under public domain, so it does a special disservice to highlight no reason as to why anyone should care. Howie says the two of them will be remembered, ironic since he must forget what show he's on.

Zombie Ballet - For so many pretty young girls to be dead, you'd have to assume they were lifelong vegans. Har har. This show only cares about you if you're close to death, not actually dead, since they were buzzed right away even though it didn't seem bad. I'd fight for their fair shot if I were in the audience, even though the total lack of indignation in my voice would give away I'm only doing it for getting dates with the 18 year olds.

Zeno Sputafuoco - I winced harder at this than the last time I was told to get a part time job, even though I was muscular enough to overpower my Father trying to steer the car towards the job center. Anyways, the danger acts that actually elicit a response are nice, hopefully he keeps it up. Have to give him props for coming up with the one facial piercing that feminists haven't done yet.

MetaPhysic Synthetic Media - These kinds of acts are a bit odd in the sense that the act usually plays out while the people behind it awkwardly stand completely out of view of the audience. When they announced the guy pushing the yellow janitorial cart Daniel Emmet would be returning, I don't think more than 1% of the audience knew who they were talking about. I'd probably be more inclined to think Daniel volunteering his time would be more generous if there wasn't a knowing in one's soul that his schedule is totally blank. Anyway, this was another one of those acts that makes people giggle for 5 seconds at the beginning and somehow the laughter continues for 2 more minutes despite the act not changing at all. It wasn't good. It's odd having the last act of an audition episode not being someone sick unless you can call Daniel's terminal irrelevance a medical condition. I do want to see what new lows this will reach next time - probably something like Howie fused into a talking frog with the other judges as flies buzzing around him or something mind numbing.

///

I survived! Writing this post took longer to write than watching the whole show did.

Edited June 8, 2022 by InternetToughGuy

[Mr. Sparkle]

I agree, last week was better. WAY too heavy on the producer shenanigans. Do they film those reactions in advance? At the dress rehearsal? 

Those political impersonators are always terrible. One joke and it's over. 

That deep fake thing at the end was stupid. 

I liked the duet with the uncle & niece. The young girl singer was good, but they even admitted it was shenanigans. 

Overall, more of the same. 

[ams1001]

8 hours ago, Neet said:

Why even bother putting together an act with chickens when the shelf life is only a few years long. (potentially more, if frozen)

😄 Thank you, I really needed that laugh today.

[Kimmmmmm]

Sorry, didn't catch that kid's name, but... while I think her voice is good, all the over-embellishment and Christina Aguilera-style screeching made me want to throw bricks. 

[ams1001]

1 hour ago, Kimmmmmm said:

Sorry, didn't catch that kid's name, but... while I think her voice is good, all the over-embellishment and Christina Aguilera-style screeching made me want to throw bricks. 

Madison Taylor Baez

Fun Fact: She played young Selena on the Netflix series about the singer.

(Also, further evidence, not that anyone needed it, the judges didn't really think she was a random audience member...how would it be fair to give the GB to someone who wasn't actually meant to audition? If this were a real competition, I'd think the real contestants would have something to say about that.)

[Mr. Sparkle]

3 minutes ago, ams1001 said:

Madison Taylor Baez

Fun Fact: She played young Selena on the Netflix series about the singer.

Of course, I foolishly thought she was relatively unknown. I fell for it again! 

[ams1001]

3 minutes ago, Superclam said:

Of course, I foolishly thought she was relatively unknown. I fell for it again! 

[marketdoctor]

The whole Madison Taylor Baez sequence had me initially, but the Golden Buzzer was too much (it'd be like a magician making a $5,000 bill disappear at a carnival.)  At first, I thought she was giving her all for one lucky chance, and then I went from impressed to suspicious to cynically admiring the strategy to get more singers into the audience in future years.

It also reminded me of Episode 3 of this season's The Boys, which...made The Boys even better.

[rr2911]

Someone mention earlier that if it was up to them, no one would've gone through.  Well, I do agree that most of the performances fell short.  Here are just a few that I remember.

.  Country Band - They were real good.  I even told my wife that they were too good to be on the show.  I was expecting one of the band members to do something stupid.  They easily should go to the finals.

.  The Japanese comedian - It's bad enough that I don't like comedians, but to have a comedian that was bashing  Americans?  And, of course the judges loved her.  All of them aren't from here!  Maybe I forgot to take out my funny bone, but nah man, she has got to go!

.  Girl from audience - I wonder who is in charge of writing this stuff and the people that feel it's ok to put such lame fakery on the show.  It's almost embarrassing to think that TPTB think we would like this.  Of course she mentioned the magic word "cancer" and sure enough, the GB was upon us.

.  The Unce and his Niece - He's going to have to carry the two of them if they want to go far.  Her voice was ok but I could hear Randy Jackson say, "Yo dawg, there were some pitch issues going on there"

.  Everything else seems to be a rehash of acts of past seasons.  I'm actually waiting for a choir of school teachers to perform and have the judges tell them that they've never had a choir like them before.  Ugh!!

Edited June 12, 2022 by rr2911

[Whimsy]

I REALLY like the Fabulous Sisters.  Saw them first on World of Dance.  What I like about them is how in-sync they are as a group and also their very interesting formations and visuals.  I think it's a mistake for them to have paired up with that male group because the Sisters are doing some really intricate moves but all the audience is looking at is the flips and jumps that are just basic and boring to any b-boy dance group.  I still enjoyed the performance overall but it seemed very frantic.  I am pretty sure that the short promo I've been seeing frequently has a cool shot of the Fabulous Sisters, so I'm looking forward to that routine. 

The rest...  meh.  Really hate that they give the Golden Buzzer to all of these child singers.  I just don't feel it.  And Madison's audition was the most contrived of them all. 

[Lonesome Rhodes]

Drake magically made me enjoy an original country tune.  His performance was on point and sharp.  Oh no!  What has he done to me?!

Fusion was really good, but it's been played out.  As expensive as they must be, I doubt they get past the next round.

I really liked Aiko.  I really did not like her material.  I did get the distinct impression she had one or two jokes we did not see that were actually funny, given the edited non-sequential reactions.

The Father/Daughter act was wholesome and the arrangement pretty good.  Fine by me if they stick around.

Sure, it was a one-trick deal...but the Simon singing thing was genuinely a hoot.  I love when some of the deep resentments held within by the jidges come out.  Boy, did they ever gush forth here.  I'll bet the crew loved it, too.  Like Zeno, I have a nose for these things.

Edited June 12, 2022 by Lonesome Rhodes