LibertarianSlut

Yes, Dorit, the people do apparently want the real tax returns of Beverly Hills. Bingo. And while we’re at it, do you even live in Beverly Hills? I’m just going to write this and then set myself on fire: I was digging PK’s athleisure with the Timberlands at the beginning of the episode. I also kind of wanted to know what the Hebrew tattooed on hie forearm said. When did PK get interesting? As far as the looks at the housewarming: I’m surprised Teddi didn’t burst into flames when her daughter implied something about her was “fat.” Kyle’s dress made her look about as pregnant as Teddi, but the bangs were finally gone, and I just have to fall on my knees with gratitude about that. Dorit didn’t wear her dress, her dress wore her. Ditto for Sutton. As awful as a human as she is, Lisa looked gorgeous once again. I like women who improve with age—it gives me hope—and I feel like this is by far her best looking season. Faye and Adrienne—I’m just going to say this because they’re awful—their jumpsuits would have been stunning if they had the bodies they had in season three. Not so much today. I don’t believe Garcelle that she’s very excited about Michael. Is there anything exciting about Michael? The dress looked like she was going to the prom, but the hair, makeup and choker killed it. Dorit’s house looks very nouveau riche, if I’m being kind, but it wasn’t a dump, and I loved the indoor/outdoor ambiance. Lol at Sutton saying no one is going to say she slept with her. Brandi has great stems, but her dress was up past her C U next Tuesday. I actually really liked Kim Richards’s dress. She looks good with the implants off. The hair and makeup were another story. Kyle, someone has seen Denise and Camille “walking together”? Alrighty then. Was that before or after one of Alexia’s friend’s parent’s took their construction workers to take a polygraph and ran into Lisa VanderPump?

I am completely unimpressed with Gizelle’s “new” house, both inside and out. Seriously, Robyn’s home is decorated better than Gizelle’s, and it has more panache. Everything about Gizelle is so tacky this season. Her sequined dress with the thigh highs made the doves cry. Could Ray be phoning in his marriage any more? Or any less? Does Robyn—who is not married—have the best marriage on this show?!? Robyn had some great zingers this episode: “Ray doesn’t even know why he’s partying!” Every so often Robyn manages to be really cool and funny, going back to season one when all the ladies were breaking out the vapors that a man showed up to Ashley’s house in Delaware, and Robyn stayed up late playing beer pong with Michael. Usually it happens when she’s drunk. I also think Robyn plays well off of Karen. There is something about Karen’s uptight manner that causes Robyn to be less Eeyore and more fun girl. Ashley seems tired this season, not just physically, but spiritually. Come to think of it, they all kind of do. Monique was the only one who looked good at Karen’s party, and she looked great. I’m not all lathered up about Candiace allegedly telling Wendy that Gizelle was a monster. This is “Amistad, set me free” from last season all over again. Just much ado about nothing. And I thought it was really cool that Candiace deprived Gizelle of a platform by immediately admitting that she probably said it and she doesn’t believe Gizelle believes that it was meant to be malicious. As soon as Gizelle realized she couldn’t go toe-to-toe with Candiace, she backed down, just like she backed down to Monique last season at Candiace’s wedding when she realized she had to apologize to Monique or she’d look like the asshole who holds onto stuff that she is. I think there might be something to what Karen said to Monique about not having an attractive woman come in to help raise her children. Monique was quick to shoot back that she had “all this,” but a good amount of men do sleep with the nanny, and from what Monique told us when she came on the show in season two, I surmised that she was basically vying for Chris’s attention amongst several woman, and Monique won out after hanging in for a period of years and she’s not about to give that up. Karen in the pink suit and the hot pink hat in the Michael Jackson stance (I must be old, because I saw that and didn’t think Beyoncé) saved not just the episode, but perhaps the season. So funny!

So Karen is throwing a homecoming party in a desperate bid to stay relevant an effort to make Ray happy. Noted. Karen has these moments like twice a season when I like her, and the singing telegraph was one of them. I’m with Robyn, though, that I think Karen has nothing to do. Any fashion goodwill Candiace got from me from the high-waisted white pants last episode became negated with the torn jeans in her meet up with Ashley. I either hate Candiace less this year or I just hate the rest of the cast more, but somehow I am seeing Candiace’s points, and it feels very wrong. If Monique is supposed to be the richest one, I’m disappointed. Why doesn’t she have more domestic help if she’s so tired? And why do her kids share a room? Big Chris continues to creep me out when it comes to his sexual demands. I think there’s a difference between a man thinking he deserves sex from his wife and a man who thinks he’s entitled to sex from his wife. It’s a fine line, and it’s two seasons now that Chis has erred on the latter and it makes me uncomfortable to watch. I’ve always thought there was something likable about White Chris, even though he’s a deadbeat dad who looks like Chris Elliott in Scary Movie 2:

Oh man, I will never live down how grating Luann’s cabaret coach/manager person’s speaking voice is. When he said he couldn’t be there because he was having a winter wonderland party on Fire Island, I wept for all of the people who would be subjected to that voice between Manhattan and Fire Island. What annoys me perhaps the most is that this is under his control and he chooses it. He doesn’t have a speech impediment. It’s just a giggly, gravelly mumble that could be improved with one diction lesson. Maybe Sonja skipped the rehearsal because she wanted to avoid that voice. Did Leah threaten to walk if they didn’t mention her stupid clothing line or something? We heard about it once at the beginning of the season, and it was discussed last episode and ad nauseam this episode. I find it less interesting than Skinny Girl, which is only slightly less boring than watching paint dry. I don’t know why it took me so long to realize this—Dorinda and Leah are the same person in different forms—they both feel personally wronged if their every action is not met with unconditional acceptance. Why do these women get so psycho whenever they get a microphone in their hands? I’ve said before that I think all five of these women are suffering from mental illness to one extent or the other—the insufferable Carole was the last cast member who seemed sane—but the microphone makes it worse by a factor of five. They all, except Luann, whose necklace didn’t work for me, looked pretty horrific at Sonja’s party. Dorinda was nothing to write home about. Sonja looked lumpier than usual, which is tough, Ramona was wearing lingerie that she shouldn’t even wear in the privacy of her own home it is so unflattering, and Leah was just a fashion no with the cut out shoulders that were the same color as her skin and the boots that came up higher than the hem of the dress. Very frumpy all around. A very disappointing fashion turn-out. And their personalities ain’t making up for it.

I can’t help but find it funny when Dorinda mocks Ramona to her face when Ramona confronts her. It’s a very even match, so I don’t feel bad for either party. This is a funny episode. When Ramona put on her sincere voice to Dorinda about how dear Dorinda was to her, and Sonja went, all matter-of-factly, “here we go,” it was so funny. No one has any tolerance for bullshit on this show, sometimes to the point of brutality, and it happens to work amongst this particular group. They all all “broads” and I’m kind of here for it. I am very interested in Ramona’s theory as to why Luann is so far up Dorinda’s ass and the perks she’s getting from it. That was the first time I’d heard this and it rang true. Luann is a very sneaky grifter, always has been. I remember her How They Got Here special, when she said she had to thank the men in her life for getting her so far. Luann knows on which side her bread is buttered if she knows nothing else. Leah, the “smart fucking cookie.” Funnily enough, it’s been a season and I have seen very little that is smart. I’ve seen selfishness, insecurity, belligerence, rudeness, and intimidation. But I guess the difference between these qualities and smarts is *minutiae.* Ramona is so funny in her lack of self-awareness. She’s more than just her sensual body! Who knew? Who even knew Ramona had a sensual body? I see two over-inflated water balloons attached to a watermelon.

I actually lol’ed when Ramona sent the anger article as a group text. That wasn’t passive aggressive; it was actually a really functional way to discuss a sensitive topic without singling anyone out. Interesting that Dorinda would think it was directed at her though. If the shoe fits... ”It’s ok, you can have my life”? What a strange thing to say. What exactly would have been Dorinda’s response if Ramona were to take Dorinda up on that offer? Epic fail in trying to get a rise out of her too. Luann trying to sit down with Dorinda and discuss her attack in the mildest, least aggressive manner humanly possible is Exhibit Q as to why confronting Dorinda directly is an exercise in futility. Dorinda gets a word in her head and uses it on a loop. Schadenfreude. Deflect. Minutiae. Ay, dios mios, we got it the first time!! I hate myself, but I love Leah’s new pink satin jacket with black buttons in her talking heads. Very eighties chic. Ramona was being a pain in the ass about that wine, Luann was on a high horse about the text message, Dorinda is Dorinda, Sonja is shitty background noise and Leah actually made me laugh when she said, “what did you do? And why wasn’t I on the group text message?!?” Is Leah my favorite character this episode?

Erika saying she wasn’t looking at the substance of the texts, but the amount of texts, was as disingenuous as Denise saying that she was only upset about the threesome talk because of the effect it had on Sami, which she didn’t want to “get into.” I don’t think the texts were indicative of lesbianism. I think they just read like two phony LA people who didn’t know each other trying to connect. Sometimes the less actual intimacy two people have as straight girl friends, the more of a sweet spin they put on their texts. I used to text that way with a distant friend, and I would never text that way with my sister, because we’re not fake with each other, because we really know each other. It was proof that Denise was technically lying when she said she didn’t know Brandi, but it’s certainly not the red flag they’re trying to make it out to be. The fact that Brandi was so ride or die about texts that only proved that Denise was lying about a lie she’d already been caught in was a whole lot of nothing, and it was the biggest indication to me that Brandi is lying or exaggerating. I had to guffaw about how proud Erika was that she’d come “full circle.” Hunty, you married an old man, you wore a pink wig, pretended texts were incriminating when they proved something that was already proven, and you acted outraged that she called you a cold bitch when you are a cold bitch. Standing O. These women finally went too far with Denise and her nontroversy that the situation is like a rubber band slapping back. Lisa, “part of the plan”? “Weaponized our friendship”? What in the actual fuck is she talking about? I’m not Team Denise—I’m just not a fan of Denise and I was never a fan of hers on the show—but I just don’t care what happens at this point. This is beyond bad theatre. This is like bad puppet theatre.

So Denise is very serious that she’s “very married” and doesn’t cheat on her husband, as of last episode, but in her confessional she says with a big grin on her face that if she told Aaron she had sex with Brandi, he’d simply ask why he wasn’t involved. This isn’t another lie, but it’s yet another inconsistency in her philosophy. It’s hard to keep up. It reminds me of RHNJ season 4 Melissa, who was outraged at the idea that someone would accuse her of working at a strip club, and then she interviewed that it would have been stupid not to work there because the money is so good. I feel like I say this every week, but please pick a lane, please pick a story. Or just shut up about it. That Bucco de Peppo outfit Dorit was wearing for Teddi’s baby shower was awful, and it made her hips look huge when they’re not. I would say that look was not just bad, but atrocious. Lisa looked amazing though. She may have horrible behavior, but there’s no denying that she looks fabulous for someone in her late fifties. I don’t see any wrinkles. It’s hard to believe she’s older than Kim, although Kim looked much better at Teddi’s baby shower than she did last time we saw her in that ponytail. Of course, it’s natural for Kim to be invited to Teddi’s baby shower. We all know about the famous Kim-Teddi friendship that goes back...five minutes. Kyle and Teddi pronounced “Capri, Italy” as “CAP-pri” with the emphasis on the first syllable. That’s not only incorrect, but I’ve never heard anyone bungle the word “Capri” before in my life. Oh, and place cards are now name tags. Leave it to Kyle and Teddi to sound like bumpkins. I can’t believe how little is happening on this show that Garcelle tells Lisa kind of politely but kind of bitchily that Lisa mentions that she was Roxy Hart too often and the screen fades to black with mouths agape. If that had happened on RHNYC, not only would it be the least aggressive thing that happened all episode, there wouldn’t even be a bite missed between the casual swearing that would ensue. In the Berkshires, no one even missed a bite of Chinese food when Dorinda shoved Luann out of the door because she allegedly wasn’t paying Sonja enough for cabaret. That was such a set-up, Sutton and Garcelle leaving and Brandi coming in. Then Teddi’s real friends have to leave the baby shower before Brandi drops a dime on Denise?!? Where they do that at??? Bravo, Bravo, Bravo, I’m pretty much ready to throw in the towel here.

Is Gizelle narrating this franchise now? I could’ve sworn she was narrating the “previously on.” Gross. I can barely stomach her as a character. Ashley’s baby is three months old, not three days old. She couldn’t arrange to have her hair done for her own party? It looked like a greasy rat’s nest. I don’t think she and Michael have a lot of money. Ashley still can’t have sex with Michael three months after birth??? Is that normal? I commented that Gizelle wore a lot of makeup, but Candiace has her beat. And Candiace is 15+ years younger than Gizelle. I think she looks better without makeup too. Last season before she got her makeup put on for her wedding, Candiace actually looked really pretty. And I like some of her fashion, and I hate myself for liking same. The high-waisted white pants were everything for a woman with her figure. Gizelle, don’t try it! Ashley and Monique’s dresses at the sip ‘n see were also very pretty. I thought it was out of line for Karen to shut down the Ashley-Candiace makeup (which happened anyway) at the restaurant. Karen Is very comfortable with other people’s discord, as it keeps them from turning on her again. Not an attractive quality. There “wasn’t one clear moment” for Gizelle to get back with Jamal. Right. It was several visits to the ATM that made her realize she had to catch another man. I hope the Bryant restaurant fares better than the Darby one. Wendy has a hairline only Teresa Giudice could love. Monique, stop trying to make T’Challa happen! Gizelle’s kids have really good table manners. The first 3/4s of this episode were such a snooze. Two visits to baby/children’s stores and two conversations about whether guests could hold the baby. Freaking scintillating. Ashley sitting all the women in a circle and casually telling Candiace that everyone was talking about her behind her back while breastfeeding was awesome. My favorite new sport is Candiace versus Monique. They spar at a higher level than most of these Housewives, and I thoroughly appreciate it. Then Candiace cried, and the world cried with her. I’m only going to care about Charrisse when she officially spills the tea on Monique, not when Gizelle alludes to something in her talking head. Bravo has been teasing us with this for too long and I’m not biting until I hear it from the horse’s mouth.

I don’t disagree that this has been a nothing of a season, but in fairness, this has been a nothing of a show for me since the beginning. It never delivered for me the way that RHNYC and RHOC did, even though this one came later, and was supposed to be the biggest, baddest thing ever, because not one, but two (!) of Paris Hilton’s aunts were cast and the women were holding diamonds in their opening! Diamonds! I just rewatched season one, and now I’m re-watching season two, and the first season was chock full of nothing—there was an entire episode devoted to Kim and Kyle food shopping for Easter and then bickering about whether Kim’s daughter should be able to go to Houston. An. Entire. Episode. I know season two is going to pick up, but I just finished watching an episode that was devoted to Lisa not being invited to Taylor’s lunch and a protracted debate amongst all the ladies as to whether Lisa told Taylor she wasn’t her “friend” or if she told her she wasn’t her “best friend.” I don’t find this season more boring than that. My personal favorite season was five. I’ve found most of the rest of it boring and a disappointment. Maybe that’s why this season and last season don’t faze me. It’s not a letdown for me, because I never thought this show was all that to begin with. OC is my favorite franchise. This is one of my least favorites, except it’s better than Atlanta. Everything is better than Atlanta though—even my blank TV screen is less repetitious, fake, belligerent and stupid.

Sonja has another five good years of earning potential, huh? How does that convert, in Housewives math, against Carole and the four good summers she had left? Leah’s ex put a bad energy in her vagina? I think there’s a vaccine for that these days. But damn, she really does bring up her vagina a lot. I guess someone needed to carry Bethenny’s lame shock torch. Wow, it actually happened. Dorinda finally turned on the whole group. And they’re still singing her praises. Stockholm Syndrome, y’all.

They were being so decent at the restaurant, to each other and the staff. They say if you give monkeys typewriters to bang on, eventually one of them will write a coherent sentence. I’m surprised this happened first. Does anyone miss Elyse? Anyone? Bueller? She has her truth canon moments, but mostly I find her to be a downer and the fun police. Leah, in true Tinsley fashion, making out with an age appropriate man in a restaurant in Cancun—ding, ding, ding, it only took 18 episodes, but Leah is finally doing something only borderline naughty and inappropriate. This is what having fun and not causing an uproar looks like for future reference, Leah! Congratulations. Leah also had the foresight to kick the guy out, unlike Luann and Ramona in Turks & Caicos. And she didn’t sleep with him. Alright, what the hell is going on? I think I’m being punked.

It’s so strange—Ramona’s behavior is in direct inverse proportion to Dorinda’s. The more Dorinda acts like an ass, the more sane Ramona becomes. It’s kind of a phenomenon. If those guys walking on the beach weren’t plants, I have to hand it to Luann to just start speaking to them In an arguably sober state. She’s either got brass balls or her, ahem, rose really needed to be watered.

Lol at Dorinda teaching aerobics! She’s got some moves like Jagger too. She’s so fun when she’s sober. The guys were good sports too. It’s nice to see male staff members not to be glad-handled by cougars every once in a blue moon. I kept waiting for Luann to make eggs a la francaise. I thought I couldn’t care less about Sonja’s fashion line. Then Leah started talking about hers.

I think this depends on a lot of factors. It sounds like you’re saying the “town drunk,” as if Brandi isn’t to be believed. Fair point. So, if Brandi isn’t telling the truth, there’s nothing to lie about in the first place. Denise got in her own way on that one. For Denise to deflect from Teddi’s genuine question about whether Denise a.) is friends with Brandi or b.) is not friends with Brandi with “Teddi, she called me,” is just asking for trouble. That’s not an answer. That shows that Denise is trying to obfuscate in the worst way possible. It’s like the time on RHOC when Shannon had Tamra dead to rights for making fun of her head injury via a picture and Tamra’s response was that it was not a picture, it was a video. If that’s the best you’ve got, you’re in hot water. Then Teddi says that the point is that there is a friendship between Brandi and Denise, which Denise heretofore lied about. If Denise would have just been honest by giving an inch and saying “yes, I talked to Brandi,” she would have gained a mile. Then Teddi gave Denise another out—Teddi said that if she got the full story, she would be willing to chalk Brandi up to a liar, and Denise replies with “ok, fuck the background.” SMDH. Then Denise says, vehemently, “Did I say those things about you? I did not.” This is after last episode, when Teddi confronted Denise about whether she said it, Denise made the most befuddled face I have ever seen and replied emphatically, “No!” Then they moved to the bar, Erika asked about the “icy bitch” comment, Denise swore on her mother’s grave that she didn’t say that, that she would never say that and Brandi said it. Then, in her talking head, Denise said, regarding Erika, “I said she was cold toward me.” I’m not quite sure I’ve ever seen someone catch themselves so red-handed in their own damn lie! Denise said that she didn’t lie, but that she agreed with the things Brandi brought up, including Brandi’s assertion that Teddi lived in or on her father’s coattails, and she’s said worse shit. So what was with the big, fake face and the “Noooo” last episode? Fair question, I think. Then she says she’s been “so fucking honest” (!!!) I don’t care if Denise is in front of six women or six hundred women—she can’t get her story straight. I don’t generally abide by lying. It makes the person who receives the lie and takes it at face value look like a jerk. I think the truth is the best answer 90% of the time. And the truth can be as simple as, “I don’t feel like talking about that” or “that’s private; I’m not going to talk about that” or “you’re throwing a lot at me and I need to collect myself before I can respond.” Then she can leave the table, call her husband, make a game plan, and follow through on it. She didn’t just fall off the turnip truck. She’s Denise Fucking Richards and she should know how to defend herself by now. I don’t think talking behind someone’s back about something trivial and then denying it falls into the category of a white lie. If it’s trivial, Denise should have no problem saying, “yes, I said that about you. And...?” I would have so much more respect for the person who took this tactic than denial and then half-truths. Last season in Provence, Kyle (and, to an extent, Teddi, but mostly Kyle) got deeper into her friendship with Erika when Kyle said some brutally honest things to Erika’s face and behind her back and then apologized. If Denise had said, “yeah, I think I called you an icy bitch, Erika, or some derivation of same,” I think Erika would be willing to hear her out and this could have been an opening to a bigger discussion. I think that’s all anyone is looking for. Just be honest and grow from it. Ah, yes. I tend to agree with this also. I said I believe in the truth like 90% of the time. The other ten percent of the time when a lie is more prudent is definitely when it’s time to “deny, deny, deny.” My husband and I have had discussions about things that are worth lying about—mostly to bosses and the government aka authority figures who have no business being in our business—not friends—and we have always agreed that you stick to your lie and be consistent and go down with the ship. Even if they have you on tape, you can say it was spliced together and it’s not you. Chances are, yes, they will give up, absent proof. On a related note, clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson says that if you can stand your ground for two weeks, any scandal will blow over. On another related note, I was watching this Israeli spy drama, The Little Drummer Girl, and they said that when you’re lying, it’s imperative to never change a detail. But Denise is doing none of that. She’s all over the place. She’s getting in her own damn way. Just to sum it up, I would be hard pressed to lie to someone I cared for, because I think it would forever damage our relationship. When someone tries to press me under the auspices of authority and I don’t recognize their authority, I will lie, because they committed the immoral act first by trying to get me to account for something that’s none of my business. But co-workers? Especially on a reality show where I’m hired to interact with these people? They’re really not worth lying to, or the indignity that comes with it. Denise keeps saying she doesn’t care, when clearly she cares, if she is discussing these people with Brandi Glanville, which is now a fact (unless Denise and Brandi are both somehow lying that they talked shit when they didn’t), she cares about how they treat her and how they act. So why not just go all-out and admit you said some not nice things so that there can be healing? And next season, when the shoe is on the other foot, people will be able to say “there are many things you can say about Denise, but she ain’t a liar.” On RHOC, Shannon held such a good reputation for truthfulness for five seasons, that I would have believed her hook, line and sinker on anything she said, no matter how outlandish. She was caught lying at the season 13 reunion, and in season 14, if she said the sky was blue, I would look up to check for myself. Lying is so damaging to relationships IMO. Call me crazy, but I think if Denise would have come clean to Teddi about the things she said about her, Teddi very well might remain calm, take it in, and there could be a resolution. Teddi gets caught up in bullshit, but I think she’s generally a straight shooter. Judging by her reaction to Camille at Kyle’s black and white party, she doesn’t seem like someone who is going to have a strong negative reaction at a restaurant table. And Teddi did lie last season, so I don’t trust her that much, but at least she told the truth about the fact that she lied last season! Same can’t be said about Denise. As far as who Denise slept with, if Denise was really this cool, hollaback, chill chick that she seems to want us to believe she is, Denise was free to say in a good-natured way, “get the fuck out of here with that shit” when confronted about having sex with Brandi. It wouldn’t be a lie, it would just be a “stay out of my business.” I guarantee they all would have backed down in the face of that reaction. And if they didn’t? Then anyone who continue to interrogate her about her sex life when she told them to go scratch will look like a really shitty person, and suddenly all the attention is on them and off Denise. That’s how you play this game, in my experience anyway. I don’t get Denise. She’s either a bad bitch who knows how to handle people—as someone who has an iteration of the word “fuck” in their name tends to—or she is a shrinking violet, but she needs to pick one. This fence-riding is what is causing all the ladies—including Garcelle and Dorit—to question her. Those two, at the very least, seem to want to be able to grab onto something Denise is saying and make sense of it, but she’s denying them the opportunity. Stand up. Grow a pair. Or take it all in stride, but pick one. Be your own person. This is all reminding me of that country song, Fancy, where Reba sings, “you know I might have been born plain white trash, but fancy was-a my name.” Be a leader, not a follower. Without acting a fool. What was it that Rudyard Kipling said in the poem If? “If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you...you’ll be a Man, my son!” Damn straight.

I’d much rather hear about Tom’s daughter—who is Erika’s age—cooking Thanksgiving dinner for the Girardis, the religions that informed their upbringings, and even Harry Hamlin having a damn baby out of wedlock. I feel like this is what has been missing from the show. I’m not entirely enthusiastic about watching them ride Vespas in the rain in Rome, the fashion capital of the world (someone ought to inform New York, Paris and Milan that they’ve been bested, as per Dorit). If I wanted to be reminded of Rome, I’d watch the Travel Channel. I think they get a lot of Housewives vacations wrong on these shows. I like them to have to be in one place so that drama can happen. I’m not looking to have a vicarious cultural experience here. Dorit can stop speaking Italian anytime now. I thought it was really interesting how much Kyle and Dorit clammed up when Lisa came to them and told them she was wrong and she made peace with Denise. They were sort of acting like Rinna switched the playbook on them. Things that make you go hmm... Erika’s 1960s mod look slayed. The hair and makeup were gorgeous. And she didn’t hold up the group with her glam. Dorit, take note. As soon as Dorit said “Bucco de Peppo,” and “baby shower,” I said, gee, I wonder if that’s going to be the finale...guess it’s not though. Denise looked like an asshole to me lecturing the table. If Aaron told her not to come, and it was the worst vacation of her life, she shouldn’t have come. Last episode she confided in Garcelle that she tried to get a flight out but couldn’t. So...what was stopping her from saying “Bravo, Bravo, Bravo,” getting a car and going on her own trip to the Amalfi Coast? No one was holding her prisoner. She chose to come to that dinner, have a tantrum, take her toys and almost go home. Denise’s reactions‘ timing are always off. She doesn’t defend herself—or go on the offense—when she should, and when things are peaceful, she goes on the attack. She’s guilty of everything she accuses the group of, and then she doesn’t let them get in a word edgewise. I don’t get her. I really think it’s time to exit stage left. This isn’t the group for her. Sort of like Leah on RHNYC. ”You can’t come in here and make a big speech like that and then not hear anyone else’s opinion.” Preach, producer. I wish they hadn’t kissed her ass when she came back though. It’s like rewarding a toddler for crying. They could have had a perfectly good time without her. Sex in a hospital, on a table, on a commercial flight...in Avignon...that’s fun, like the camping trip last year. Why can’t we get more of that? Although I felt uneasy after Denise’s return. Like someone or something was going to snap if everything didn’t go swimmingly. I fear for this franchise if something doesn’t change with Denise. It’s too toxic. Watching this, I feel way too much like a kid whose parents are fighting and I’m wondering if they’re going to get a divorce. ☹️

I don’t blame Teddi for being confused this time around. Denise lied, contradicted herself, Dorit had to start telling Denise’s story, thus Teddi sought clarity. I know Teddi’s annoying, and I know she has a track record for being “confused” about petty things as an attempt to harp on them, but as soon as Denise lied, it put Teddi in the right. This is what’s so annoying about Denise’s reaction. It makes me side with Teddi. It’s so interesting that now Denise is saying that Brandi said that Erika was cold and Denise agreed. That’s what she’s saying now. The night before, Denise looked completely baffled and acted like she had no idea how the message about Teddi could have been conveyed, because she doesn’t talk to Denise. There are bad liars, there are horrible liars, and then there’s Denise. Lisa doesn’t have an ounce of compassion. Every single thing she does is for the camera. I’m not sure why Denise was talking to her like there’s a heart and soul in there, instead of an anorexic hamster running on a wheel, trying to get its 10,000 steps in.

I’m just curious; how was, say, Dorit more defensive than Garcelle? I think each of the women has a different level of accountability, but Garcelle’s hands aren’t clean either. She has been getting in remarks all season—she just says them with a smile. The only OG is Kyle, so I’m just not seeing a delineation between Garcelle on one hand, and the other women on the other. Sutton seems to be in a different category than Lisa. I think everyone is running their own race with regard to Denise. Aside from that, responding to another oft-made assertion, I can’t understand when it is postured that these women “don’t eat.” I know that’s hyperbole, and what folks mean is that they “barely eat.” But have we seen Kyle, Garcelle, Erika, or Denise? I was just quarantine watching old episodes of America’s Next Top Model, and if Erika and Garcelle were to go into modeling, they would definitely be plus-sized. And Kyle and Denise are nowhere near model thin. When Teddi is not pregnant, she and Dorit have thin, trim, athletic figures that make them look like they take care of themselves, not that they starve. Lisa Rinna is the only one who looks like she barely eats. The vegan, non-dairy cheese stands alone. But as a whole, this franchise right now is one of the bigger ones. Back in season one, Camille was as skinny as Lisa Rinna, and then there was Taylor. Joyce and Brandi were also teeny tiny season four. Orange County has had some really tiny women, like Meghan King Edmonds, Peggy Tanous and Lydia McLaughlin. DC had Michaela Salahi. Miami had Lisa Hochstein, Potomac had Katie, Dallas had Tiffany Hendra, and Atlanta had Shamari. New Jersey has Jackie, but New York took the cake with the three resident super skinny women on one season—Bethenny, Carole, and Jules. So there’s one “non-eater” on this BH cast. Seems like par for the course. I don’t care whether they put their calories into their bodies on camera or off, this is not a cast that doesn’t eat. The calories are getting through somewhere. And I seem to recall them eating roughly as much as any other franchise, like OC, where they are constantly cooking and going out to dinner at The Quiet Woman. Remember season one when Taylor practically dislocated her jaw, first eating cotton candy in Vegas, and then again eating Fatburger at Kyle’s white party? Erika had pumpkin pie for breakfast last season. Kyle always seems to be nibbling on something at home and at parties. Teddi often has to use her man hands to cover her mouth full of food to speak at restaurants. I mean, these are women who blew off a wellness retreat to eat French fries in a hotel room. I’m just not seeing a connection to not eating, other than Rinna. Lack of interest in culinary masterpieces and a preoccupation with alcohol? Yes, I see that. But they’re also eating something. Lots of somethings. Call me crazy, but this is what a Housewife who “doesn’t eat” looks to me: This just looks like a healthy cast. The ones who can gain a few are outweighed (no pun intended) by the ones who could stand to lose a few:

Hey, Dorinda, here’s a Tyler Perry quote for you: “You can’t make yourself happy by causing other people’s misery.”

I remember Sonja refused to ride the camel in Morocco also. No one should do something that makes them totally uncomfortable, but I don’t really admire that lack of adventurism. Luann and Dorinda looked very cool for riding and having an experience. To each his own, but as a former horseback riding instructor, that was really dangerous and impulsive of Leah to just jumpt off the camel. She didn’t even say anything to the staff, she just walked away yelling and cursing. It was a little disrespectful, and it seemed abnormal to me. Leah and Luann are roughly 15 years apart, both have fantastic bodies (I’d argue Luann’s body is marginally better, because she has a better bust, but that’s neither here nor there). Yet Luann looked so fantastic and amazing in her black bikini, and Leah just looked desperate in a flesh colored bikini with the tiniest thong bottom I’ve ever seen with a giant tattoo on her ass. Just how much attention does she need? That wasn’t a flattering look. Dorinda, don’t look now, but when you find yourself issuing proclamations that no one may talk about your drinking, you might have an issue. Apparently the facialist knew what time it was when she told Sonja and Kristen that Luann liked to dominate short men. “Criminals have dicks just like anybody else”. Oh my God, just when I’m ready to write Sonja off, she gets in a god zinger. It wouldn’t have been funny coming from Leah though, because all she talks about are dicks, and when it’s expected, it loses charm. Luann and Dorinda did a good job of celebrating Sonja’s birthday, aww. They really went there with the outfits. At least they’re able to poke fun at themselves. It really changes the tenor of what would have otherwise been a toxic episode. For some reason, I didn’t have a problem with Leah saying Ramona’s pussy is tight. It’s not like she said it was loose. I would take it as a compliment, but not everyone’s like me. Ramona can miss me with the Catholic shit though. Ramona calls sex “fucking” on air (she said last season that Bethenny was “fucking” someone), so I really don’t see a difference. Ramona breaks just about every rule of Catholicism. She’s not helping herself by bringing that up. It all kind of reversed itself and got funny again when Leah said “spicy dick” and everyone just sort of laughed it off. Fun episode.

Leah has a fixation with the word “disgusting.” She seems to think if she says it enough, it nullifies her inexcusable behavior. Why does Dorinda get so sensitive when someone says she’s drunk? Dorinda is always drunk; she’s on vacation, so what? It’s hilarious how Dorinda keeps trying to spin the ‘drunk’ thing back on Ramona. How’s that working for you, Doris? Oh, Dorinda, I feel so sorry for you that someone told the truth about your drinking to your face...again. And there’s no mugshot for Dorinda to sling Ramona’s way either. Dorinda, have you read How To Win Friends And Influence People yet? Usually it’s advised not to bring up someone else’s mugshot when you’re trying to get them to agree that you’re not drunk. I love Leah waxing philosophical about what would happen if “[her] friend of many years” said something offensive to her. Funny, there’s no evidence that Leah has friends of any number of years. But then again, she’s never been married or been in the mob, and she somehow made a business out of that, so why am I just wondering now why she’s a book of contradictions. I’m not a huge fan of Lu letting the F bombs fly. She didn’t curse for so long, then she started cursing a little bit and I never got used to it, because if she was nothing else, she was elegant, and now that everything is “fucking” this and “fucking” that, it sounds horrible on her. Some people, like Dorinda and Bethenny, can let the curses fly and it works for them, just like some people look good in hats. Cursing doesn’t sound good on Luann. If she wants to do it until the cows come home, it’s no skin off my nose though. Leah is such an insecure asshole. She wasn’t the least drunk that night—she and Ramona were equally not drunk. Who cares who is drunk and who is sober on a vacation in a private home, unless the person in question is causing damage to themselves or others? (Actually, usually that’s a rhetorical question, but with Leah and Sonja, they make a pattern of getting drunk and wreaking havoc). Next time I act like an asshole, I’m going to blame it on my “water pill.” Thanks for the tip, Sonj.

Ray won’t say “I love you” to Karen on camera??? That is some Kelsey Grammar shit. I predict it now: a divorce is coming. He used to kiss her ass like crazy, and blatantly lied for her at the season two reunion. How the mightily dishonest have fallen. I don’t get why Karen gets so much grief about her home though. It is much nicer than Gizelle’s, and I assume it’s a multi-million dollar home if Gizelle’s was $900k. There are so many things not to like about Karen, but her house isn’t one of them. Her wig doesn’t bother me either. Gizelle wears so much makeup, even in her lunch scenes. The entire surface of the space between her cheekbones and eyes is highlighted into oblivion, and the space between her cheek bones and jawline is contoured slightly less obviously, but still to the extent that it’s distracting. I’m not surprised at all that her makeup line is faltering. This is not a good spokesperson for the product. I love this franchise for the rumors that fly around. I live for that. If Charrisse has something to say about Monique being seen in public with a specific man, I’m here for it. And I like Monique. But let’s hear it all. Wow, Ashley will earn her paycheck. This is why I can’t quit Ashley. She will tell us about the infection that was plaguing her nipples and breastfeed on camera? Kind of interesting. I’m not a mom, but I’m sure a lot of women go through this. Monique wouldn’t necessarily show this on camera. Respect. Reason number 444,098 for hating Candiace: she is in a state of perpetual motion. She’s always either nodding emphatically, snapping, shimmying, dancing in her chair, it’s inauthentic, and I fucking hate it. When she fake-fainted on the reunion couch last season like Tyra Banks, my blood pressure went up. I think Candiace is naturally a cold person. I think that some person at some point told Candiace that her coldness was off putting, it really hurt her, and it seems like she promised herself she’d never give off a cold vibe again, which results in this noxious persona. On the rare occasion that Candiace is unemotional, I like her a thousand times more than normal. Which puts my position on her at minor disgust. Robyn is so boring. She has nothing without Juan. She doesn’t know how to toe the line between Eeyore boring and scary angry. She is just super awkward and when she tried to deliver minor drama last season—pretending to be mad at Gizelle for pretending to ruin her open house—it just fell flat. Is Robyn Beeky or is Robyn Buzzard? I forget. Either way, Robyn owes Gizelle half her paycheck, because Robyn wouldn’t exist on this show without Gizelle. She was so awkward and messy last year when she said that Michael said he wanted to suck one of “our husband’s” dicks. It was so cringeworthy and tone-deaf. I hate Candiace, but at least she can deliver not-so-pretty things in pretty packages every now and again. Robyn just fumbles through the show. It’s only through the grace of God, Juan’s non A-list basketball fame and Gizelle that she hasn’t gone the way of Katie yet. When Juan met a woman at the restaurant, I thought to myself, “wow, Robyn’s ass got huge.” Then it turned out to be Gizelle. That was unexpected. That whole scene was bullshit. Let them actually get down the aisle again and let them stay married for two years without Juan meeting the love of his life in Europe, and then I’ll say I was wrong. An “engagement” from Juan means bupkis to me. Of course Chris is ready to put a baby in Candiace. Look at those digs she and her mom are putting him in. Chris would be a short order cook with two baby mamas if he didn’t have Candiace. People say Ashley needs Michael’s money, but Ashley is very smart—probably one of the smartest Housewives across the franchises—and Chris seems smart enough, but not like a go-getter. I think Chris needs Candiace more than Ashley needs Michael. Also, Michael has been conspicuously absent thus far. Hmm. At Ashley’s party, what the hell was Gizelle wearing? People were wearing suits and Monique was dressed up, yet Gizelle was wearing black denim shorts and a sweater with rhinestone lips on it? Gizelle doesn’t have great legs either. She would look better in a jumpsuit or a maxi dress. Wow, Monique was going in on Candiace about the honeymoon and she was like season one Karen to Ashley, telling her she needs to have sex with her husband without a condom. Monique was not being subtle there at all, and I loved it. No one is ganging up on Candiace. Ashely was just very upfront by saying that she would be happy to speak to Candiace when Candiace aligned her words with her actions, and Candiace got upset because she is a 31 year old baby and everyone needs to kiss her ass 24/7. It’s too early for me to form an impression on the new Housewife yet, except that I thought it was hilarious for her to ask if Karen has sex, all horrified, and she seems to have money. Wonder if she lives in Potomac. This was a really good episode though. A lot of action and flow. Next week looks really exciting too. The only thing I would add to my wishlist would be for Sherman’s ex-wife to return to the show.

Dorit is not speaking Italian right. She enunciates every word, and that’s not how the language is spoken. It’s how a foreigner who wants everyone to know she speaks Italian speaks Italian. It’s very try-hard. And I have been liking Dorit this season up to this episode. Erika looked older than her chronological age to me for the first time ever in her get-up that looked like Dorinda in costume. She looked around 60 to me. It was not good: I don’t think there’s anything negative or gimmicky about tiara shopping at Dolce & Gabbana in Rome. I was just re-watching season one while I waited for season 14 of Real Housewives of Orange County to hit Hulu, and this is exactly what they were doing from episode one—spending big and showing the amounts they spent on the screen. I thought that was the point of the show. If I had ten grand to drop at a store, I’d do it very happily. I don’t begrudge them that. I love Sutton having things sent to her hotel room, because she doesn’t want to try them on at the store. I would have enjoyed a scene of that. Teddi was so Teddi at that restaurant: “I’m just pregnant, so...” There’s nothing wrong with what she said, it was just how she said it that made me roll my eyes. Aaron cares about each and every one of them??? Is that what “just as long as everyone feels good about themselves” was about? Is Denise going to try to get anyone to think that was sincere? She’s...not good at this. I echo so many of Garcelle’s sentiments with regard to Denise. She needs to stick up for herself and address the rumors. I think it looks really bad that it took her 24 hours to get a story even kind of straight. Whatever she is saying now is damage control and spin. Denise’s saying that Brandi has said outlandish things about everyone at the table, including that she had sex with some of them, is too little, too late. Also, saying that there are things Brandi said but she will not share, because there is a line she will not cross, is now Denise veering right into Kim and “let’s not talk about the husband” territory. Erika got Denise right back together by saying anything Denise had heard about Erika should be brought up In the here and now. I also don’t think Denise anticipated that Kyle and Lisa would clap back and say that Denise is deflecting and her timing is convenient. It...wasn’t good. I thought Denise was going to serve something back tonight and she swung and missed. Again.

Denise was caught in a big blatant lie—whether she had spoken to Brandi in the time leading up to Kyle’s party. I’m like Judge Judy—if someone lies once, everything else they say is suspect. If there was nothing to hide about talking to Brandi, Denise didn’t need to lie about it. And what did she say right after Lisa jumped on her lie—“I’m going to get off of that”? This is like when things didn’t go Denise’s way when she was talking to Erika at ShoeDazzle, when Denise wanted to talk about children, and Erika—who had already apologized to Denise about the children—wanted to talk about Aaron’s presence. Denise told Erika she would get to that in a minute, and she never got to it. Between yelling “Bravo, Bravo, Bravo” and switching off the subject at hand, Denise is looking as much like a control freak with regard to her narrative as everyone else. Dorit was spot-on about Kyle. I think what went unsaid was that Dorit feels like she is forever indebted to Kyle for throwing away her friendship with LVP for Dorit. I disagree with Kyle that Dorit was overreacting. What Kyle was doing to Dorit was like Chinese water torture or death by a thousand paper cuts. Anytime you bring it up, you’re going to look like the petty one, when you’re not. This was a big part of my objection to LVP’s MO. If someone does a bunch of small things to slight someone else, eventually that person is going to clap back or get walked over. I liked Denise saying that she was just going to pretend last night didn’t happen. That is the best thing she can do. This gossip is like a fire, and she needs to deprive it of oxygen. She was completely right that “some of these women” (understatement of the year) want the chaos around them. This is where Denise goes right. It makes it more frustrating for me that I know she knows how to play this game, but she only does a half-hearted job of it. Kyle getting in a very subtle dig about Dorit’s $30k Amex bill was more enjoyable than Kyle just being a bitch. Kyle and Dorit actually play well off of each other, because Kyle can be a stealth bitch and after watching Dorit for the past four seasons, I feel like Dorit does get out over her skis if she’s not constantly checked. Driving Ferraris around Italy? Didn’t Mauricio and Alexia do this exact thing in Italy at the beginning of season four? Probably fun in person, but boring then, boring now. Oh, Denise and her allergies. Again, I don’t care about her allergies and what she has to say or do to avoid an allergic reaction, but the garlic bread was already arriving at the table; she wasn’t ordering. It seemed a little bit like an over share to tell the server she was allergic at that point. It reminded me of last season when they went to Provence and they freaked out over the desserts that they didn’t want to eat. Kind of amusing. Denise doesn’t know how Aaron spoke? At Sutton’s party, right? Because she definitely heard how he spoke at Kyle’s barbecue and she didn’t seem to think there was anything wrong with that? Girl, bye. On the other hand, if Denise had been this mature at ShoeDazzle when Erika wanted to talk about the husband, she might have found herself with any ally at the dinner the night before. At that final dinner, Erika’s glam went so wrong. She was dressed like someone 20 lbs lighter and two cup sizes smaller. She was also freakishly pale, which I don’t find attractive. I think Erika was trying to do something like that red rubber dress she wore in Berlin, but it missed the mark. Dorit’s outfit was so wrong that it was right, and the hair was very cute in a Sandy-at-the-end-of-Grease kind of way, but the lateness was so rude that the entire outfit actually lost its appeal. I commented last season that Dorit can get away with fashion that Bethenny Frankel couldn’t get away with, because Dorit makes it look like fun, whereas Bethenny makes everything look like work. When Dorit is this late, it takes any type of effortlessness out of the equation, and she just looks like a late, vain asshole to me.

Glad Karen moved back to Potomac. It’s nice that more than one woman lives in the locale for which the franchise was named. Gizelle is looking a bit rough. Her story is that her best friend’s husband Niles asked her if there’s anyone she wants to travel with more than Jamal, she said no, so Niles told her to “fix it” and she did? Where does “cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater” come into the mix? She didn’t seem to have an answer for that. I think it’s a money thing. If her ex-husband was poor, or if Sherman was still sniffing around, it would be “Jamal who”? If Gizelle is going to get Candiace together, I’m for her in that regard. Candiace is just as much of a pinhead as ever. She’s still touching her hair and treating life like a pageant play. The only worthy contribution she made to the entire episode was that Gizelle should wear a condom with Jamal. Oh, and calling Gizelle’s new home a $900,00 tear-down cabin is the reason I watch this show. So Dean is two months old, and Ashley gave birth to him in early July 2019. Glad we’re seeing events that unfolded eleven months ago. Why do they always start filming this franchise as soon as the reunion is over and then hold onto the footage forever? It’s interesting to see Ashley as a mom though regardless. She seems more grounded now. Wow, Robyn and Juan are still awkward as hell around each other, with him evading her about marriage. Five seasons in and absolutely nothing has changed with these two. I think they’re fools—he’s the original fool, and she’s a fool because she’s an otherwise smart, assertive woman who lets a man walk all over her and it’s setting a horrible example for their kids. All he has to do is smile and she becomes complacent. It actually makes me sick. He looked like an unshowered lumberjack at Candiace’s thing. I like to see Ashley and Monique raising their babies together. It’s more interesting and organic than that bird. My hat’s off to Monique for potty training her child early. It looks like Monique and Ashley are going to team up against Candiace. As I live and breathe. On one hand, I’m embarrassed that Candiace felt the need to throw such an over the top one year wedding anniversary with a cash bar. Face palm. Hard. That’s not a party, that’s happy hour. On the other hand, I’m living for the season starting off with an event and the new cast member coming into the mix immediately. Also, no tag lines. Maybe that’s the start of a new thing with Bravo. I hate tag lines. They’re so hokey and they lend no information about the characters or the narrative. We all know Gizelle think she’s the word on the street, and very few people care! So Karen is not impressed with Wendy? The plot thickens. Karen is one of Candiace’s two favorite people in the world, and the other one is not Chris? Yeah, I believe that. Aw, Karen, your marriage isn’t perfect? I thought it was an institution. Candiace is still crying at the drop of a hat and holding stiff napkins directly up to her eyeballs to dry her tears? Has she not watched herself at all these past two seasons? She has not exhibited one iota of self-awareness or growth in her third season. This was a pretty solid opener, but I think this show would do better without Candiace. There’s nothing redeeming about her.