I don't get the cell phone thing. I don't know anyone stupid enough to ask me to get involved in their phone issues. But, if someone did, it's damn simple: buy an unlocked used phone and pay your damn bill upfront, in cash every month. It's called prepaid. You can find everything you need right there in the store next to the bail bondsman. We know you know where that is!
I was in heaven with Baby Jane the landlord. The cast of characters is why I watch my court shows. And eeewww, us Hoarder watchers know damn well what was going on with the lack of plumbing!