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I feel like this whole season has been about John and Tom and, to a lesser extent, Michael. Bechdel test FAIL.

Whenever I'm sharing earth-shattering news with a friend regarding her significant other's infidelity, I find it's crucial to do it in a thong.

Whom does Dolores's daughter remind me of? Kristen Stewart? Is that it? This is driving me nuts!

Luann should have a fragrance line called DeLUsion: By the Countess.

Dolores looks like the offspring of Dina Manzo and a piece of beef jerky.

Maybe it's just because I have a toddler, so that's the baseline for my sense of humor now, but I thought Kelly's "Who? Who? Who?", followed by Tamra's observation that she was starting to sound like an owl, was the funniest moment of the night. Also, yes, Jim is a bag of dicks posing as a human, but I didn't feel too bad for Megan during that car conversation. From what I could tell she was asking him if he wanted to Facetime during one of her shots. Why does he need to be "there" for that? Perhaps Vicki was actually worried that someone would write their dissertation *about* her? I could see her case study being gold for some industrious ab psych grad student. The rest of the episode: meh. Producer interference, blah blah blah.

Look, Vicki's a textbook narcissist who makes her daughter's chronic health condition about herself, looks like a cement truck accident when she cries, and says awful, awful things like "chinka-chinka Chinaman." BUT...And I know I'm in the minority here... *small voice*...I kind of enjoy watching her with Brianna and her grandkids. I wouldn't want the whole show to be about that, mind you, but those are some of the few relationships on this show that are really "real." We only see Heather and Shannon with their kids sporadically, Tamra's kids aren't on the show (and her relationship with Teeth, while evidently real in that it's lasted a few years, has always struck me as very showmancey), Megan has no kids and Jimmy is barely around, and everything about Kelly seems very manufactured. Watching Vicki run around after her grandkids is sort of refreshing. And, I don't know... I saw Brianna grow up on the show, and, yeah, she's a bit of an Eeyore, but I guess I'm invested.

Am I missing something? Why would Jules have told Bethenny intimate and potentially damning details about her marriage? Both Jules and Bethenny seem to agree that this was the case, but WHHYYYYY (*arms raised to heaven in a panoramic shot in the rain*) on earth would Jules ever open up like that to someone she barely knows? Especially if it's Bethenny? Does Jules really just have diarrhea of the mouth? Or is there a dimension to the Beth/Jules relationship that we haven't seen on the show? Very confusing to me.

Did anyone feel a little bad in that moment? I felt a guilty twinge, because I've totally posted that before. But I also kinda want Meri to leave...and take Janelle with her.

As expected, that was a whole mess of nothing (Meri should be a deejay, she spins so well). However, there was one bright spot! The moderator's attempt to mentally process the double negative in Meri's statement "Why shouldn't they not trust me?" was priceless. She was like a robot with a tic.

Would you really need a pad if you're that self-absorbed?

There's something that's been bothering me. At one point, Bethenny pointed out that, prior to the surgery, her uterus had "increased by 50%." Elsewhere, she said it had "nearly doubled in size." I think Bethenny may think that those two things are the same. But basic math dictates that they are not. I recognize that in the greater scheme of things - and even in the greater scheme of this show - this makes no difference, but it's been gnawing at me. Thank you for allowing me to get it off my chest.

I totally hear what you're saying, but to me, while the cancer deal was contrived fakery, it struck me as the type of contrived fakery that Vicki would be involved in whether she was on the show or not. Does that make sense? I feel like she's more or less "real" on the show (again, to the extent that any of them are), because that's who she really is -- somebody who is such an endless chasm of narcissistic need and whose identity is so bound up in the love of others that she's willing to go along with a grotesque plot like that, once she figures out it's happening (which I think we can all agree, at some point she did). Again just speaking for myself, but I'd rather watch a fascinating psychological study like Vicki than someone who is giving a very controlled and deliberate performance as a "reality star." (And, yes, obviously Vicki is performing to an extent too, but she's not good at it and you can always see her behind the veneer.)

I totally hear what you're saying, but to me, while the cancer deal was contrived fakery, it struck me as the type of contrived fakery that Vicki would be involved in whether she was on the show or not. Does that make sense? I feel like she's more or less "real" on the show (again, to the extent that any of them are), because that's who she really is -- somebody who is such an endless chasm of narcissistic need and whose identity is so bound up in the love of others that she's willing to go along with a grotesque plot like that, once she figures out it's happening (which I think we can all agree, at some point she did). Again just speaking for myself, but I'd rather watch a fascinating psychological study like Vicki than someone who is giving a very controlled and deliberate performance as a "reality star." (And, yes, obviously Vicki is performing to an extent too, but she's not good at it and you can always see her behind the veneer.)

Trying really, really hard to resist a joke about Bethenny staying on-brand by bleeding Skinnygirl red... Seriously, though, no shade - what she went through sounds awful and I'm glad she seems to be faring better these days. Whatever I may think of Bethenny, I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

That was the way I had remembered it, too. And then that other inmate ODed and Red blamed Nicky for it?

Oh, Vicki. Your face. No.

Here's the thing. Vicki is objectively an awful person. I think we can all get on board with that. But, to me, this show *is* Vicki. I'm not going to pretend I would stop watching if she weren't on it because, let's face it, I'm Bravo's bitch and I would likely continue watching even if they replaced her with a Cornish game hen in lash extensions and a tube dress. However, in my opinion, she is the most compelling person on the show. I think a lot of that is due to her utter narcissism and lack of self-awareness (e.g. Even little things like her comment that she bought Brianna's new house. Why? Why even mention that?). To me, it's more interesting to watch her than to watch someone like, say, Tamra, who comes off as very calculating and playing to the camera in many ways. I can't help it; I want to know what comes next for Vicki, whether it's getting hit in the head with another football or offensively asking workers in her home not to "scratch the woody." Again, please do not read this as a moral defense of Vicki. She's absolutely awful. But, to me, she's compelling and also "real," to the extent that any of them are. And it is absolutely idiotic that the other women were refusing to film with her because...why? Some wacked out sense of a moral compass? (Especially Megan, who's been on this show for all of one season? Like, take a seat.) Do they not realize how dull the show would be if she weren't around? It would basically consist of Terry working too much, Shannon sitting around with a constipated look, Megan discussing her (non-)"fertility issues," and Tamra doing bicep presses. Zzzzzzz......

Dorinda, Jules may be many things but she is not "a young mother doing it all on her own." Ramona, I know you said you like business, but those extensions are SO not the business. Did they sedate Bethenny prior to Carole's monologue about her inability to commit? I think that's the longest I've seen her sit silent and listen on any episode of this show ever. I just can't quit the Countess.

Could you imagine that grandstanding, mansplaining, human equivalent of a Wonder mop looming over you while you were in active labor?!

Would that be sanitary? Is THAT what she was saying? I thought it was "soft foil," which made even less sense. But it was Sonja so...I rolled with it. Jules is Jewish? And Asian??

Is there some mental chip in reality show characters that renders them pathologically incapable of pronouncing the plural of the word "text"? In this episode, I think even Carole was saying "text-sees."

Meri got caught sending banana fellatio pics to a catfisher, yet I was just forced to sit through two hours of treehouses and toddler travel plans?! It's unconscionable.

Meri's face still looks like beef carpaccio, but she appears to have lost some weight. Perhaps from eating bananas? (I'll never un-see that image...*Shudder.*)

Was anyone able to catch what was written in the text before the one Luann sent Carole? Something about Andy's show?