Uncle JUICE

I'd rather watch a reality show told from the perspective of the house itself, and what it has to go through and why. I want to be clear: I'd rather imagine a show where this house is alive and talking about why it has to let these weird productions come through it, like is it leveraged by gambling debts? than I would this show. I'd rather it reveal secrets like "Jim and Cindy just have so much gross sex in the room they take every season, it makes me ill, and they folow it up by praying naked, I wish someone would just burn me to the ground." I would rather listen to house talk about things like "I'm a Spanish-style Mansion, I mean I used to have dignity...these fucking halfwits put an obstacle course in my beautiful pond! I HAVE A BED THAT LOOKS LIKE A WAGON...FOR ADULTS! Do you know how much that hurts me every day?" "I'm so fucking tired of having my walls covered in well liquor after another one of these twats dramatically flings a drink at another one, please help me!" "I want to haunt their asses SOOOO HARD!" This show is really bad, is what I'm saying. :)

Do you think Ariel was no like "No...leave it on!" or David was like "I'm doing it to you with this vest on for my first time, which I'll remember forever"?

What the balls is that name!

Don't forget he authored the text message that was somehow more awful than Adam's "tell me where I can sign the papers to get rid of that mistake ya fat stretch marked bitch." To Tyler: "I do love you, but I just love cocaine more." It might not be exact words, but it's not far off. Except now he's viewed as this irascible scamp. There's no fucking coming back from this text message in my book, I don't care how funny you are. In vino veritas, dickhead.

I've thought for a very long time now that their open adoption arrangement was simply an awful idea for both of these kids. It's like they always thought that those people were babysitting their kid full time. I guess some people might be equipped to handle that arrangement (I don't think that number's very high), but these two definitely are not. That adoption should have been closed, because even now, they haven't moved on with their lives. Didn't they used to have a gigantic tapestry with that baby's face on it? That's just not healthy. I'm in no way a supporter of open adoptions. If a birth parent wants to connect with their biological child someday, they should remain in touch with whatever adoption agency handled it so that if the CHILD wants to meet them, they can call the agency (maybe this is how it works today, I don't know), but keeping in touch constantly seems like no one wins in the end.

There is just no way Simon ever said he was going to pay her back for that ring. He is in no way interested in being with her. She bought that on her own and told him he could pay her back. To which I'm sure he was like "Uh...maybe." I'm not saying his not the lowest level of fame whore, but I 100% do not believe they had some arrangement like that. What, they don't sell rings ANYWHERE in San Diego?

Fuckin' PREACH. I have to tell my kid (daughter really) that those shows are the absolute worst for this very reason.

Because he is awaiting trial for a murder he really didn't commit. He mentioned one of his boys "put another body on [him]" because he's already serving life, what's the difference, so that he could be closer to his family at Rikers, not stuck upstate.

How uncomfortable did Daddy Derek's Daddy look whenever Sofia wasn't around? I was surprised Farrah didn't do the summoning of tears when mentioning his sainted name.

This is where I think you'd hear the "But I'm a celebrity, I can't have a normal life like that" excuse. It's why this show is veering into the darkness a little: they've created these cocoons of quasi fame for these people, with just enough money to be irreplaceable but not enough money or education to turn that into FU money. In almost every case, none of these people can just go work at like Home Depot or something, their boss will find out who they are and decide they don't need the hassle. They're certainly not going to make a living they're used to starting any job, anywhere, so why stop filming? They can only have jobs being "Teen Mom's Catelynn Lowell!". Farrah literally only gets work because she's Teen Mom's Farrah. These people are talentless or lazy or both. But now MTV has culpability in how fucked up the lives of these people, and worse, these children, will be, when this is all over. They should have kept paying them in deferred trusts to keep the whole thing realistic, to see them struggle their way through it, if they were going to keep patting themselves on the back for their infinitesimal contribution to reduced teen pregnancy rates (this is correlation without causation, Dr Drew, come on!). Then these kids would have been halfway forced to find some way to make legitimate money: go to college, learn a trade, get a job. Instead, the show now portrays being a teen mom as (a) being 25 and (b) moving to a new house every season and (c) having FOUR CARS? Lots of teem moms I know have those.

That's a great point! No wonder starting next year she gets into all kinds of shit. I really, really can't wait until the cult led by Agent Gaad (sp). Or that time she gets gutshot in a drive by. That sounds bad. Or her awesome coke habit with that shitty artist. Although I think that''s season 4 episodes 49 - 53.

I have no objection to anyone smoking pot, but should someone with this proximity to addiction issues and self-medicating tendencies with food, as well as active prescriptions for antidepressants, really be doing that? Smoke pot all you like, it's not harmful in and of itself, but when you combine it with the rest of these things, it does start to look like something you want to avoid.

Didn't she also say something like "Indian people like a lot of sauces" here that sounded at best stupid, at worst racist?

I think it looks like she's taking this session out of a faculty dining room in a middle school.

Am I the only one who thinks EPISODE THIRTY?????????????????? What the fuck, I feel like this had to be against union rules. They worked the asses off these people.

By upgraded her office, do you mean "moved out of the copy room"?

Agreed there, you do owe it to them, and to yourself, not to let yourself go, but I doubt anyone has ever decided "He's right!" after their SO said "I don't want no heifer!" That's not motivational, that's just being an asshole.

It's not his place to be an asshole about it, though, knowing she's sensitive to it. Be kind!

I like to imagine their lives especially when the cameras AREN'T there, for the second people in the lives of the stars, like Gary's wife or girlfriend. How many times has she seen him lumber into the downstairs bathroom with the latest copy of the Affliction catalog and thought "What the fuck am I doing with my life," as he battles with the last three Arby's sandwiches he's eaten, knowing she's going to have to clean that up, and will smell his slim jim breath as he huffs away pumping at her for two or three minutes, hoping to god diabetes takes his ability to get an erection soon. How many times has she said "I have asked you a hundred times, please close the door and leave the fan ON after, Gary, we only have one bathroom on this floor and I'm trying to make dinner". How many times has she gone with a laundry basket back into their bedroom while he's still sleeping, only to hear a cacaphonous bedfart that he doesn't even notice. Is it worth it, Kristina?

It seems like "couch" and "food" take up like 85% of the settings on this show.

I asked my wife if that was acceptable on a woman of Debra's age anywhere outside of Westeros. Answer: no.

The best way to do it, and this is firsthand, is to NOT say anything critical on such a sensitive topic, but decide you're going to change your OWN life. If Tyler stopped saying "Why are you so fat? Did you finish this whole bag of chips TODAY?" etc., and instead said "I feel like we're spending too much money on food that isn't a good example for our kid, so I'm going to do something about it. I'm taking a cooking class. I'm going to a nutiritionist to get some recommendations. I'm signing up for this calorie counting app...[etc]..." then by sheer momentum, and practicality, she'd end up doing the same thing. This is exactly how my wife and I lost weight. Instead of "Let's order Papa Johns," you say "That's a waste of money and terrible for us. Let's make fish tacos. Let's learn to make our own sushi." It's not like they have fucking jobs. ETA: you can only take this approach if you are open to the possibility that it DOESN'T work on your spouse, and accept that your health is your own priority, too. It's not like there's NO benefit for him doing it. Get out and jog, etc., it's only natural for your SO to feel a little pressure to do the same, but the pressure CANNOT be explicit and direct from you. It can't be "Im doing this, so you have to do it, or you'll stay fat and I'll be hotter." You committed to loving the person as they are. Sorry dude.

Oh, I got that it was the Ramones. I mean I didn't get (a) why he got it and (b) why Amber was being told to look at it six times right at the end. It was like he was trying to distract her while his gross friend went through her purse to write down credit card numbers. Also, as a person with tattoos (well, one large one that I thought about for a year before getting it, and one on the way), I don't get the whole idea of either pulling a tattoo off a wall display, or getting them impulsively like that in such a visible spot. Clearly neither does that asshole, because he for some reason got a twitter handle tattoo. Good idea, dickhead. Sorry, should have quoted this.

Nothing says ignoramus like someone saying they need "an open concept." This tells me you're doing nothing all day but watching endless House Hunters episodes, because you don't have anything else going on. I've heard Kailyn, Jenelle, Farrah and Amber all say it.