EverybodyIsACritic

Sweet baby Moroccan Jesus, what a mess. My guess is that Azan's boyfriend called the cops once he saw that Nicole intended to leave no scraps behind. Azan was SO tightly wound by the time the "Is this chicken or is this fish that I'm eating?" encounter in the market took place. Nicole will not listen until she is being stoned in the square. Even then, we'll be able to hear her under a pile of rocks, "Babe? I love you... Are we ok? Can I kiss you?" Chantal and Pedro...I'm not sure he gets how much lying has been done. The scene with he and Winter in the barbershop was uncomfortable. And if I were Winter's barber, I wouldn't want anyone to know I did that Kid 'n Play deconstructed 'do. My only problem with Anfisa is that she sold herself short with her $10,000/month "allowance". High end escorts could make a lot more, and she would make a FANTASTIC domanitrix.

I will now come clean and admit that I finished the sentence... "With George Michael!"

How am I supposed to explain the wine sprayed all over my iPad and the surrounding area? Vagina, indeed! Derek's friend John Pierre seems to be the only one of "us" that is surprised about the divorce. I can see Heather on the job, never giving a full can of soda to any passenger. I was very uncomfortable with Derek at times-I think that Schwaggy has a temper. If Sonia ever wants another orgasm, she probably needs to stick with the tantric thing. If anyone wants to get high, the instructor sounded like she was on The Good Shit.

Oy, vey, Nicole.... Poor May is probably facing a lifetime of watching her mother get her passport stamped, so to speak. I'm just glad she has other family nearby. There is noting I can say about Jorge that hasn't been said. I definitely think Anfisa had dumped him, but her next mark had dumped her, so she decided to troll Jorge's waters for Chanel chum again. I'm kind of rooting for the lil grifter. The only thing that I was envious of in the entire episode was the stash of old-school light bulbs Matt's mom had brought over. And maybe the rotisserie chicken. But definitely the light bulbs.

I had hoped this would be a handful of popcorn from my guilty pleasures bowl, but now I'm not so sure. It was like a prequel to an episode of "Cops". It left me feeling a little unsettled overall. What has happened to Rob? There isn't anyone home behind those eyes. And his speech patterns sound ridiculous. I've always had a soft spot for Scott, but even more so now. Who woulda thunk it, Scott as the voice of reason? I loved Paige. She was very direct with BC, and the scene with them at Rob's place made me laugh.

When I saw Matt Skyping and excitedly gesticulating like a long lost member of the Village People all I could think was, "please don't let me see a boner."

I'm hanging out with my bestie, watching tv, and my DVR picked up last two shows of last season. I came out of the kitchen to see him standing up, pointing at the tv, hollering, "It's the make party potty asshole!" We are so thankful to the tv gods for this gift!

How could Tom miss the thin hair? God bless poor Lilly, the sun was glinting off her freaking scalp outside once the monsoon stopped, and I noticed it so many times during the reception. WhyWhyWhy didn't they neaten her hair up?

I'm not sure I believe Lily would be that shitty about the bus. I choose to believe it's editing, lol! Wee Screaming Texas Demon Trapped in Camper from Arranged did have something to screech about, but Tom's bus seems bigger than some studio apartments.

My sister is moody and bossy, too, but she's a Sagittarius. I guess every sign has shitty people in them ;-)

I felt bad for Vicki in the period penalty box last episode, and while she was ridiculous about that $62 candle, I still like her more than Ben and his cash-sucking car. That same car that broke down on the way home for Shabbos (? I hope that spelling is close). I mean, to keep driving when the car is hitching and shuddering and making cartoon-like broken noises? No wonder it's falling apart. Thank Christ for Taylor's truth-telling mother. Taylor wants to move into a big house, but hasn't worked in at least the last several months, and picks at David like a dermatologist with a schedule full of blackheads. The date they had at the end was most notable for Taylor's au natural face (which I thought looked younger and prettier than her usual Toddlers and Tiaras Gone Wild) and the fact that my DVR. Cut. Off. Oh, well.

I can't believe how much loathing I have for a person I've never met. Congratulations, Taylor, you win Miss Tiny Hateful Demon 2016.

This one was a bit disappointing to me. If JoJo truly had no idea how bad Chad was until the very last day, then shame on production. Is anyone looking out for her safety? I believe Chad is a narcissist on literal steroids. He has no insight and a hair trigger. For ABC to become aware of that, and keep that person in an emotionally charged situation with copious amounts of alcohol is insanity. The meats were nice, though.

Chase IS a bit snoozy, but I was rather intrigued to see if he could stand up after that yoga straddle lovin'. He was a trouper! So, do y'all think all 3 roses were pity roses? And the preview looked to me like James Taylor had taken that punch to the face.

As an aside, I would ride Mahky Mahk's Fear roller coaster any day, but that is a personal failing on my part, and I'm working on it. I cannot believe I missed the Gary Oldman Chad Muttering Sequence! I love Gary Oldman, but holy shit, Chad called it. I felt like there was a "I feel a really weird vibe tonight, and I'm not sure what it is, so I'll give it to Evan" rose. Also known as the Overprotective Older Sister Rose. It ain't the same rose Chase and James got, for sure.

Taylor wants to be a flight attendant? She's too short to go on all the rides at Six Flags, for Christ's sake. From what I understand, flight attendants work really hard, and the most energy I've seen her expend is rolling her eyes, violently flipping her hair, and stalking away from David whilst screeching that YOU! NEED! TO! MAKE! A! CHOICE! tinyfoot *STOMP* The honeymoon camper cracked me up-it was like a crossover episode with My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. Romney vs. traveler drama an' everythang. The troweling on of makeup sitting in bed is a favorite move of mine from any reality show. There was a scene with Taylor where the lights hit her at juuuuust the right wrong angle so it's all frosted eyeshadow, schmear-y lipstick, and then, pointy zit city, with a scorch of blush running through it. You know, they just don't give out awards for that kind of excellence, and it needs to change. I feel as though I want to adopt Vicki, and tell her her wig is lovely (and, in the spirit of full disclosure, I REALLY want to play in the wigs now, too) but Ben is not the one for her. He hovers over her, watching her every move, and zings her on everything. Yuck. And what was with the Saran wrapped table during his "bachelor party"? It looked like a table Dexter had prepped. And the other one, yes, you are making a mistake. But your henna was gorgeous.

I was watching the bridal shower scene very closely on total Wig Alert. I think I only spotted 3, one being the horrifying shag thing I believe you referenced. I was also wanting to check out the shower snacks, but the wigs won my attention.

I had a bout with insomnia last night and ended up watching all 5 (?) episodes. At first, I was horrified at Stefanie locking her kids in their rooms at night, but it doesn't seem to have negatively affected them. And who doesn't want an Ellington/Otto spinoff? I love the Fair family! I also really liked Meghan and Nick. I kept thinking there were 4, not 3 kids. I wasn't Jennoffended by Meghan calling her kids Morons! or Idiots! Hattie is gonna be one hot handful. The potty training struggle is real..."I got poop, Mommy!" She and Sully's haircuts reminded me of a cross between flappers and Campbell's Soup kids. Nick seemed to be so genuinely gobsmacked by Meghan in a dress-so sweet! I bet the psychic was right about a 4th baby. Leah mesmerized me. After Stefanie's party, I would be saying, "Hon, did you see all that cool shit they have?" Leah tells Burning Man Bill how "amazing the experiences" were. I was sad to see that she seems to keep herself on a short leash to make sure she doesn't rock the boat with BMB. It reminds me of "keeping sweet". Jen...I just don't know. Definitely anxious and neurotic, but those aren't deal breakers for me. I didn't like her trying to get all the dirt on Beth at the bday party while Ellington was so scared of Greta. For Christ's sake, she had a DOG NANNY there! Not that I didn't want to hear the dirt, though. Her dad teasing Rivers with that white sugar Satan cupcake was kind of shitty. And Beth. There are a lot of layers to that onion. I imagine she was her husband's arm candy, with beyond full-time help, and now, in 2 months, is basically broke. If anyone else saw "Queen of Versailles", Beth reminded me of Jackie saying that since there were always nannies, she just kept having kids. Once there was no money for nannies, she was completely overwhelmed. I don't get why you would want to appear on tv at that particular time of stress and change. Maybe she's looking at it as a way to advertise her single status. And her yellow bikini. I know there's another one, but I can't remember her name. Or her kid, or her story.

I need to rewatch this certain-to-be-nominated-for-a-Shitshow-Emmy again because it is the most awfullest wonderful ever. Luann's Rey dude was actually disturbing. Being all cool means hanging out with that guy? Although, he did remind me of the character that Chris O'Dowd played in "Girls"-married Jessa and made musical mashups. Oy.

DingDingDing!! Great call! I kept thinking she and Travis both looked familiar, so one solve, one to go.

Dear God, what a shitshow. Leeann, I just do not believe a cab driver felt so sorry for you crying in his cab that he didn't charge you. I suspect Marie's "head art" was a clever way to have some twine close by for when her head exploded. I was truly concerned for her. Also, did anyone else notice when Leeann was "sobbing" that the cry noises emanating from her big ol' piehole didn't match her dry eyes? It was like she was using it as a warm-up to her "I'm so pissed!" aria. Only a dude that is on the Dallas SWAT team is equipped to handle that one. Oh, Brandi, Brandi, Brandi.... Bless your heart. Sometimes she looks so tentative and sad. And then she tells us that her husband bites his toenails, flosses with her pubes, and picks his nose. So hawt. Kelly and Judy must be shitting themselves. Hopefully, this breach of etiquette (Karen Huger's having palpitations) will be addressed at training camp. Tiffany, 1978 called, and they need your side ponytail back at the roller rink for Ladies' Choice. I will pray for you and lil Keith. Stephanie, girl, you in danger with that Gayle and Oprah talk! Travis reminds me of someone, I just can't think of who. And that thumping noise you hear is beerCoozy locking TheOtherOne in his tiny football locker.

I like Chris, too! With Lisa, I don't dislike her, but I'm always worried she will fall apart emotionally, start ugly crying, and it will be a hot melted mascara mess of eyelashes dripping down her face.

I completely agree that some people just aren't great at research. For whatever reason, I seem to do pretty well with it, and once my 75 year-old father became more computer literate, no one was safely hidden away, lol! The part with Lisa and the old magazine chapped my ass. If the daughter hadn't led them to it, then it was a team of interns or something similar, combing through the material.

I have just binged the last 4 of 5 episodes of the season. I need a hug, or some tequila. I wonder if some of these people haven't done the search themselves because they fear rejection? If a tv show makes the first moves for them, maybe it feels like a protective layer. Heidi, the woman whose mother was 12 when she got pregnant, when they snuck the keyboard out for her, my BF completely cracked up. A moment of much-needed levity. I did notice that Heidi's last name was Jeffs, and we saw either Mormon or LDS in reference to the bio mom on the adoption info paperwork they showed. I actually had a point I wanted to make with that, but it's escaped me. So many details with this show!