BookWoman56

I used to find her tolerable, but FFS she needs to quit babbling on and on when she’s being asked for information the team needs ASAP. Just give them the facts your magic computer spat out, and stop editorializing. We don’t need to know how icky you find a potential unsub, or how upset you are, working with the BAU, at having to pull up crime scene photos.

@hoosier80, I think your instinct to go “no contact” with your mother is the best solution, along with seeking therapy for yourself. Any mother who seriously suggests that at age 13, you should have gotten a job and assumed responsibility for your own basic needs that she was in fact responsible for, has no moral authority to make demands of your time and feelings. You are doing things for your mother, who shows zero appreciation and instead criticizes everything you do. She is a toxic presence in your life, and from what you’ve said, this is nothing new. Yes, she might have some dementia but her actions don’t seem radically different from her previous behavior. As people get older, sometimes it seems as if the filters just come off, and they reveal their true thoughts. For example, it’s a standing joke in my family that my mother is incredibly self-centered. I had to travel for work last week, and arranged for my younger sister to come stay with my mother while I was gone. My mother’s last comment to me before I left was to drive carefully, because if something happened to me, there’s nobody to take care of her. That’s not really true but a good indication of what her priorities are. My siblings and I laughed about it, and agreed that the only surprise about her remark is that she said it aloud. Her filters are gone. In her case, I have to weigh the annoyance of her self-centeredness against the rest of our relationship. From a holistic perspective, she was a reasonably good parent. But I don’t get that sense with your mother, or at least there’s the sense that even if she did the normal parenting things, she did so resentfully, and at this point, you don’t owe her anything. You have freely given of your time and energy, and apparently gotten only verbal abuse in return. It’s time to minimize her presence in your life, and focus on your own needs and wants. This is not a healthy relationship, and you need to change how it works or end it before it harms you more than it already has.

Sulfa is the antibiotic I absolutely can never take again. It was given to me when I was about 2 and a half and had a major infection, all while my mother was in the hospital in labor with my younger sister. Full anaphylactic shock, up to and including my kidneys not functioning for three days; my parents were told I would probably die. When I was old enough to understand the situation, my doctor warned me that if I was ever given it again, I would die. So when seeing a new doctor who needs a list of my drug allergies/sensitivities, sulfa is at the top of the list, followed by about three other antibiotics that give me rashes or hallucinations. Fortunately I have very few memories of the experience.

For example, when I hired someone a few months ago, the job description mentioned working on a couple of specific stress testing components required by federal regulators for the banking industry. The candidate I hired had looked up information about those stress tests, and while she had never worked on them, was able to compare documentation she had worked on to what she envisioned would be required for stress testing. The candidate that the entire interview panel rejected was the one who essentially asked, during the interview, “So, what is this [name of specific stress test from the job description]? I’ve never heard of stress testing.” It became obvious that he hadn’t bothered to spend even 5 minutes finding out anything about the topic, which had been described in the job description as the major project for the role.

Hell, I would interpret “demonstrate basic knowledge of XYZ” as just being able to explain in a few sentences what this process is, at a high level, and the major components such as having to obtain permits. Definitely doesn’t sound like they are looking for someone who already knows how to do everything in detail. ETA: Having that sentence in there may just be their way of weeding out applicants too lazy to look up even basic information about this role/function.

@funky-rat, it’s possible that the text about having to be familiar with that specific type of permit and so forth is there because the agency already has an internal candidate in mind but is required to post the job anyway. But if it’s not, my advice would be to google as much information you can find about the permits and field. In your cover letter and resume, highlight your work experience that parallels the function you would do in the new job. I wouldn’t email to ask them about learning these things on the job. If you get an interview, leverage your previous similar experience and convey absolute confidence that you can quickly learn the details of this new responsibility. Even though there may be very few people who would already have this specific knowledge, the hiring manager may be hellbent on hiring someone who does versus hiring someone able to learn and adapt to new roles. No way to know that ahead of time. You could email to ask, but that raises the possibility of an immediate rejection rather than presenting your overall skill set via a resume and cover letter, with which you can create a positive impression.

Yes, as disgusting as I found Danny’s BS insistence that no, Diane wasn’t drunk despite the various lab tests that showed she was, I thought the Bastardi family came across as hellbent on finding someone living to blame. There were several mentions of them wanting a grand jury to be convened, and they didn’t like it when the cops eventually told them that Diane was the only person who could have been charged with a crime, and with her dead, there was nobody left to charge. I just don’t see what purpose a grand jury would serve other than revealing dirty laundry. No matter why Diane drove while drunk and high, the results are the same. Do I think Danny’s general uselessness and possibly having an affair and asking for a divorce contributed to Diane’s decision to drive while intoxicated? Absolutely. But that doesn’t make him legally liable in any way for the crash, unless he literally watched her chugging down vodka and made no effort to prevent her from driving. Not that I would put it past him or slipping her a sleeping pill, but only if he was sure she’d end up killing herself and both kids, with zero chance of any survivors who might require care and attention. In much the same way it came across in the documentary that Jay was looking for a story she could tell herself in which Diane wasn’t to blame, in the book the Bastardi family was clearly looking for someone still alive who could be sent to prison.

I was only half watching at the end, but didn’t they go with the compromise house that was under budget? I don’t remember much about that house. Loved the acreage on the first house but hated the log cabin style. Thought the larger house in town would have been the best bet, and she could have kept working for a year before starting with foster kids or they could have rented out the apartment for a couple of years to balance out it being over budget. I don’t recall any mention of why they planned to foster, but that could be a deliberate choice on their part not to have bio kids or they may be unable to do so. Not that it makes any difference in figuring out what their housing needs are. It was refreshing to hear a couple who plan for a family consider the logistics of the floor plan calmly, instead of the usual extremes of going for a floor plan suitable for parties and not much else, or insisting through clenched teeth that all bedrooms be right on top of each other, because the kids must never be out of sight until they leave home.

Exactly. I don’t necessarily believe the Bastardi idea that she was drunk before she left the campsite, but I wouldn’t say her behavior at either McDonald’s or the convenience store proves anything either way. People can come across as insistent while completely sober or drunk. Unless she was falling down, OTT as-portrayed-on-film “drunk,” I don’t think the staff at either location could make a definitive assessment of her sobriety. This does remind me of one of the crazier conspiracy theories that I think the Bastardi book mentioned as coming from Jay, that some employee at the McDonald’s had been busted for drugs previously, and gotten so annoyed that Diane insisted on the specific meal she did, that the employee spiked her soft drink with some random drug. Because yeah, that makes sense and completely negates the BAC numbers, except for the part where it completely doesn’t. The thing that most reviewers of the Bastardi book slammed the most was something that was pretty insensitive. At one point they heard on the news that Brian/Bryan? (survivor of the crash) was being moved from the hospital to a rehab center. A couple of Bastardi family members made some comments that they expected Danny’s legal team to make medical excuses for why the child couldn’t be interviewed by the cops. The Bastardi family thought the child was old enough to have observed his mother drinking or something, and should be subject to interrogation by law enforcement. Again, while I understand their frustration, the child had been both physically and psychologically traumatized, and was in no condition to be interrogated.

@methodwriter85, I have forgotten details on your housing situation. Is it your house or your mother’s house where your half-sister has left all her crap for years with no real effort to reclaim it? If it’s your house, I’d seriously consider telling your half-sister she has 2 months to come get her stuff or it’s going to Goodwill. If it’s your mother’s house, can you persuade your mother to invest in a storage shed or something to put all of the stuff left behind? I’ve recently been considering this option for some of my mother’s stuff. Although the regular storage sheds can be fairly pricey, I found some made of that very hard resin material for a decent price (7’ x 7’ for ~$700). That at least would get some of her crap out of your living space. As for her behavior excluding you from a “family” event, she’s made it clear how she views you. And I think you have the right response: be civil but quit thinking of her as your sister. FWIW, though, it’s quite possible to have siblings who despite having both parents in common, treat each other badly and behave in entitled ways. In your case, try to stop investing emotional energy, positive or negative, into the relationship. She obviously doesn’t give a flying fuck if she hurts your feelings, so to the extent you can, quit having any fucks to give about her and what she thinks of you.

Getting back to the documentary itself, while I found it frustrating at times, it feels like the creator opted to just let viewers see how far Danny was willing to go to deflect any blame, no matter how ridiculous the notion became that the toxicology reports must have been wrong, the autopsy report must have been wrong, there must have been an underlying medical condition, because Diane would not have been drunk and high. All of that nonsense, primarily so nobody could accuse him of having seen her drunk and still driving away with only the dog. One other rumor from the Bastardi book was that Warren and Jackie both cut off all contact with Danny as soon as he did that press conference, and I could also see that happening. ETA: Regarding the Bastardi complaint that Jackie wasn’t pushing the cops to find answers and somehow that indicated she knew Diane was drunk, the toxicology report came out fairly quickly. Up until that point, Jackie might have known on a gut level that Diane was drunk, but the report made it official. After that, what was left to investigate? I don’t buy into the Bastardi conspiracy theory regarding Warren and Jackie. A telephone conversation would have been insufficient grounds for the cops to charge Warren or Jackie with anything. Danny, OTOH, has obviously interacted with Diane F2F just prior to them leaving the campsite, and if he knew she was drunk, he possibly could have been charged with something. I regard just about anything he said as suspect, but whether he knew Diane was drunk or thought she would drink, get high, and then drive because she was so upset about his actions, his entire focus since the crash has been how unfair it has been for his life.

I don’t blame Warren and Jackie for getting an attorney at all, and can completely understand Jackie not talking to the cops while she was sedated. The Bastardi family seemed to blame Warren and Jackie as if they somehow knew exactly how drunk Diane was that day, which I think is unreasonable. And as you said, any coverup is most likely to be the various local law enforcement agencies not wanting to admit that Warren and anybody else calling that day were shunted around and not actually helped. I do agree with their overall assessment of Danny, that his motivation for his statements about Diane were strictly CYA. As for Warren and Jackie, if in fact they tried to alert law enforcement as soon as they could and Warren went looking for Diane out of frustration that he wasn’t getting anywhere with the cops, then I don’t know what else they could have done to prevent this. They didn’t have ESP to know how the weekend was going to play out, and that Diane was going to drive drunk and high, whether accidentally or deliberately. My impression of the case overall is that while Diane liked a few drinks at times and smoked weed on the weekends to relax, something happened that weekend or that morning to set her off, she saw that her “perfect” family life was about to be shattered, and she decided to just end everything for herself and her kids, with her nieces being collateral damage. Oddly enough, the Bastardi family assumed at first that Diane had done this as a deliberate suicide, and seemed much more accepting of that idea than of Diane being drunk and having killed all the victims just by driving drunk. I feel sorry for the Bastardi family, but they came across as vindictive not just toward Danny, who I think deserves a lot of the blame here, but also toward Warren and Jackie, whose loss of their three kids must have been overwhelming.

Thanks for the information, @funky-rat. I got curious enough to buy the Bastardi book from Kindle and just read it pretty quickly. I wouldn’t recommend it; while it attempts to describe the devastation to their family, it’s not written well and adds little of value to the story as a whole. There were a few items of interest, but most of them were rumors rather than hard facts: (1) Danny was supposedly having an affair with the babysitter, who ended up moving in a while after the crash. The Bastardi family thinks possibly Danny was with the babysitter on Thursday, when he initially claimed he had gone to the campsite alone that day and done some fishing. He later changed his story when his highway pass showed he didn’t drive up until Friday. They speculate that Diane found out about the affair, and it wasn’t his first, and spent much of the weekend drinking. (2) Supposedly the cops told the Bastardi family early on that the Schuler and Hance families were not cooperating and were lying. (3) The Bastardi theory is that Danny knew Diane was drunk when he left the campsite, and spun the story of her being fine to avoid being charged as an accessory. Ditto Warren telling the cops and so forth that Diane was simply feeling unwell when she called; if she had sounded drunk, he might be liable for failing to call 911 ASAP. (4) Again based on rumor, Jackie asked Warren for a divorce the day after the accident. To the Bastardi family, this means she felt Warren knew Diane was drunk and didn’t escalate to the cops immediately because he didn’t want her to get a DUI. (5) They feel that the idea Diane was perfectly sober that morning before leaving the campsite is nonsense, and that the impression she was sober is based primarily on Danny’s account and some vague statements by the campsite manager, who wouldn’t want to say that a camper was drunk for various reasons. (6) Apparently Danny was to receive $100K from HBO for the documentary, and it was put into an escrow account controlled by his attorney, who then swiped at least part of it and was later disbarred or something on unrelated problems. (7) They took exception to Jackie Hance refusing to talk to the cops. This for me was the hardest part to comprehend. Their idea is that if she really didn’t know what happened, she should have been pushing the cops to investigate everything, and her refusal to cooperate means that she also knew Diane was drunk from talking to her, and she went along with Warren’s plan to find Diane before the cops did to avoid a DUI. (8) The “wrong numbers” dialed from Diane’s cell phone were misdialed numbers that the cops think the kids were trying to place. The calls that went through were done using a speed dial function. So, no real mystery there after all. Although the Bastardi family was seeking to get phone records for everyone at the Hance house, Danny’s phone, etc., because they essentially feel that it was the delay in anybody notifying law enforcement of what was happening that gave Diane enough time to get back on the road and crash. Nothing in the book changed my mind one way or another. It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if Danny were having an affair, Diane found out about it and he asked for a divorce. She had a couple of shots, poured some vodka into her soft drink from McDonald’s, at some point talked to Warren and told him about Danny’s affair and possible divorce, and Warren was focused on getting her calmed down. I agree he didn’t anticipate that she would get back on the road, and his failure to consider that option and tell his daughters to just refuse to stay in the minivan will haunt him forever.

@funky-rat, was there any explanation in the book as to why Jackie was so concerned that Diane couldn’t handle all of the kids by herself for the camping trip? I can easily see Jackie thinking that Danny would be useless, but wondered if she had specific qualms about Diane or just thought 5 kids would be too much for anyone to handle solo. I guess it’s too much to expect, but I would really like for someone who knows to state whether Diane was in the habit of having a few drinks too many, or if she drank occasionally but not to excess. This situation reminds me of one of those unsolved murders where the cops know who did it but have no evidence. That is, somebody in the family knows a lot more about the dynamics of Diane’s marriage and her normal behavior patterns than what was presented in the documentary.

Agreed. The time for a birthday party has passed. Maybe she has spent whatever cash she raked in from her father’s family and is now just trying to get money or presents from your family? In any case, there’s no way you should plan a family party, given her tendency to flake out and not show up. Offer to have her come over to your house, perhaps, but for a specific day and time. If she accepts and shows up, fine. If she blows you off again, then leave your house for a few hours and go do something fun, so you’re not sitting there thinking maybe she’ll show up. You need to make it clear that you’re not going to cater to her demands and whims. Yes, offer her affection and emotional support, but her ongoing rejection of those things means you need to pull back a little. After you respond to her message, let her be the one to initiate contact for a while. As long as she feels you’re desperate for contact and interaction on any terms, she will continue to try to exploit that. While she’s now technically an adult and your relationship should involve some give and take on both sides, you need to establish what your own parameters are for the relationship to work. Right now she’s doing all the taking. Have you considered writing down how you feel about the situation, and just mailing that as a letter to her? That is, describe the relationship you used to have, the relationship you currently have, the relationship you’d like to have, what you think needs to happen to get to that point, and what your hopes are for her future. A calm appraisal of the state of your relationship with her might be the best birthday present you could give her.

My great grandmother always told me, when I was a kid watching her make meals, to clean up as you go while cooking, rather than wait until everything was finished. My 5-10-year-old self thought that was crazy, because it was obviously better to postpone the cleaning as long as possible, right? She said I’d understand when I was older. I still hate the cleaning part, but hell yeah, it’s much less daunting to clean as you go than face a mountain of debris and dirty pots and pans after you’ve cooked and everyone has eaten, so that there’s now also dirty dishes.

Thanks, @Mindthinkr, @Bastet, and @Browncoat. I am going to go with my gut reaction and tell her she can’t come. In terms of her kids, one is too young to remember my mother, and while the other child is old enough, even under different circumstances it might be better for her not to see my mother now, with her memory failing enough she might not know who the child is. My mother has virtually no assets left after my father’s major health expenses before he died. Her remaining physical possessions are in my possession, and I have a durable POA for all legal, financial, medical, etc. decisions. My siblings have all agreed that for all intents and purposes, those will be mine upon her death, with the exception of a few specific items she wants to go to designated people. Her will left everything to be divided equally among the kids. She’s not mentally competent to sign a new will. If Niece A dares to show up after my mother dies and claim she is entitled to some portion of those possessions, I will do whatever is necessary to prevent her from getting her hands on anything else. She’s already walked off with jewelry, collectibles, expensive household items, and a large chunk of cash. She’s not getting another dime or stick of furniture.

Health issues are a distinct possibility. Also, with some authors who are very established, they sometimes insist on minimal editing, which can be fine when authors are in their prime and able to edit their own work effectively, but not so fine when authors can’t perceive massive problems in their scripts. I think I have mentioned this elsewhere, but I gave up on “The Cat Who...” series when for a couple of books in a row, lack of substantive editing made the books almost incomprehensible.

@Katy M, Sidney Sheldon is one of the few authors I met, while I was interacting with a ton of authors for an annual book fair, who rubbed me the wrong way. At that time, we made arrangements for individual volunteers to pick up each author at the airport and take the author to the designated hotel, which was a very nice hotel that was comping the rooms. But that wasn’t good enough for him; insisted on a limo and swanky hotel. To be fair, I don’t know if he insisted on those things or his agent did, but it left a bad impression. That, and I thought his books were often trash. The man obviously had talent, but definitely not my cup of tea.

I need a reality check, because this is an issue where my ongoing rage and resentment may be clouding my judgment. Last spring my oldest sister died; she had been moderately ill for a few months and then collapsed, and died a month later. While she was moderately ill, she gave both her own debit card and the debit card for the account for my mother’s SS and other benefits, which my sister controlled, to one of her daughters, Niece A. The purpose was for Niece A to buy groceries for my sister and various items for my mother, who was in an assisted living facility. Niece A had gone through some serious substance abuse problems several years earlier and then got married, had a couple of kids, got divorced, gone back to college and finished her degree, and had a steady job. So we all thought she had turned her life around. Instead, she just got better at hiding things. She walked off with numerous valuables of my mother’s, that were in storage at the house her sister (Niece B) owned, where my sister was living. Niece B had warned my sister about giving the debit cards to Niece A, but also had a job with irregular hours that made it hard for her to handle the various shopping and errands my sister needed done. Niece A proceeded to drain the checking accounts the debit cards were linked to. Niece B was able later to see the online bank statements, and see that while her mother was in the hospital dying, Niece A was withdrawing hundreds of dollars from ATMs. She flatly stole money from both her mother and my mother, because she knew her mother was dying and wouldn’t be able to press charges. And to this day, denies that she did anything wrong. She insists her mother would have wanted her to have the cash, and that she didn’t realize the other debit card was for my mother’s money. (Account was in my sister’s name, as she was essentially my mother’s guardian.) After all this came to light, my other siblings and I made it clear to Niece A that we wanted nothing to do with her. Niece B changed the locks on her house to prevent further thefts, and cut off contact. Her brother and SIL who live in the same town cut off contact. So after no contact for over a year, Niece A found out somehow that my mother’s health is failing, and asked if she could come visit, with her kids, before my mother dies. My mother has stated repeatedly that she doesn’t want to see Niece A, because of the theft of the money and physical possessions. Niece A is bitching and moaning how unfair it is that her family has cut her off, and that her kids have no contact with our side of the family. My gut reaction is to tell her that there’s no way in hell I will allow her to see my mother, who doesn’t want to see her anyway. And that I feel sorry for her kids having no contact with our family, but that isolation is because of her own reprehensible actions, not because our family just took a whim to cut off contact. It’s possible her brother will relent to enable contact between his kids and her kids, but that’s his decision to make. For me, I am not willing to make my mother upset just because I feel sorry for Niece A’s kids, who are the innocent victims of their mother being a jerk. It’s not like Niece A is proposing coming over here to apologize to my mother. She claims she has a right for her and her kids to see my mother before she dies. Thoughts/advice?

My company doesn’t allow fundraising activities or products in the office at all, for those reasons and also so employees aren’t pressuring colleagues to buy crap. I’m sure some fundraising stuff still takes place between colleagues who hang out together during lunch breaks and so forth, but nobody has to deal with someone stopping by every cubicle in the same area to give a sales pitch for overpriced candy or whatever. I would be out of the loop on that anyway, because I work from home, but remember how much I disliked having people badgering me to support their kid’s school fundraiser.

Hell to the no. You wouldn’t be facilitating a family birthday party; you’d be facilitating a birthday present and money grab. If your daughter wants some outpouring of physical tokens of affection from her family, then she needs to act as if she actually cares about that family. This is a prime opportunity for her to see that if she ignores her family on a consistent basis, they are perfectly free to ignore her in return. As others have said, everyone has contact information and can send a card or gift if they want to. OTOH, if you were to organize a family party, then the invitees might feel obligated to bring a gift, when your daughter has essentially blown them off for a while now. Personally, I might be tempted to set up as if for a party, let your daughter show up anticipating presents, and then tell her nobody wanted to come, but that’s just me imagining a harsh reality check.

Not a big fan of his music (didn’t hate it but didn’t especially like it), but the first time I saw a music video featuring Ocasek, I thought he would be a great choice to play the character of the Mule in Asimov’s Foundation series, if it were turned into a film. He just seemed very different from other lead singers.

I agree with @Bastet‘s suggestions on the cell phone and bank account monitoring, with a couple of caveats. Don’t take her off your cell phone plan prior to her first payday from the new job. If she ends up without a working phone prior to the start date or during her first week or two of work, she might miss a critical call or message from work and end up losing her job. That would then give her ammunition to blame you for losing her job. So, let her know that effective the day after her first paycheck, she’s off your plan and responsible for her own phone service. If she fucks that up, that’s entirely on her. I’m unsure how you are able to track her spending, but I am guessing that you might have a joint account with her, separate from your own checking account. If so, contact your bank to see if you can be removed from the joint account. If not, explore options with the bank. Again, you don’t want to close the account (assuming you can do so) with no notice, if that’s the account your daughter’s paycheck gets direct deposited into. Depending on how the account is set up, you can remove yourself from the account, notify your daughter you are closing the account effective on a certain date, or request that your privileges to see her account activity be removed. Finally, make it clear to her that you are not her ATM. If she has a genuine emergency (medical event or needs to escape from an abusive relationship) that’s one thing. Even then, though, I would probably pay the doctor directly or buy a Uber trip, bus ticket, or whatever directly rather than provide cash.

Yes, there are Uber gift cards; I have seen them at the grocery store, which is the only reason I knew they exist. I did just google them, to make sure I hadn’t hallucinated them, and it does sound as if they’re only redeemable through Uber, no trading in for cash. I have used a similar strategy with one of my siblings at times, giving her a grocery store gift card rather than cash which her husband would undoubtedly take for his own use on drugs.