BookWoman56

It’s not them sharing the new activity or whatever that annoys me. It’s absolutely acceptable to bring up new things in one’s life and share enthusiasm about those things. Not so acceptable: “During the pandemic, I’ve taken up two new time-consuming activities that have totally changed my life and made me so happy! What about you? Oh, you haven’t done anything special? You absolutely need to focus on some self-improvement activities. I mean, you’ve got all this free time now. You should be doing something productive, not just lounging around with all this extra time.” Especially annoying is the presumption that this person knows better than you do what you should be doing, and that you do in fact have more free time. For example, my schedule has changed not one bit because of the pandemic. I was already working remotely, so no change there. Not a big socializer under any circumstances, so no significant changes there. Elves have not magically appeared in my house to do cleaning. I still spend most of my free time reading. I try not to make assumptions about the lives of my family, friends, and colleagues, so it’s annoying when someone makes assumptions about my life and my priorities.

There are so many people who do this, not just with pandemic hobbies. It’s a constant mindset of “I just started/switched to ABC; now I must convince everyone to make the same decision.” I don’t know if they are just pushy or seeking validation for their choices, and I don’t care. They annoy their family and friends when pushing their latest choice. Maybe because I’m older than dirt, but as I have gotten older, I have found it much easier to shut down those conversations with a simple variation of “I’m glad you like ABC, but I have no interest in it for myself.” If I wanted to hear someone trying to convince me to try something, I would be watching commercials. I don’t mind someone telling me they just started a new activity or tried a new product, but don’t try to convince me my life isn’t complete unless I also do the same thing.

She went through addiction treatment years before this latest debacle. On the surface, it seemed like she had gotten her act together; she enrolled in college, got her degree, got a decent job, etc. However, in retrospect, while she did accomplish those goals, she simply got better at hiding other things. From a distance, it’s pretty clear that she is at best a pathological liar and at worst a sociopath. There is no 12-step program that can help her. She regards others as people she can manipulate or not manipulate, and places value only on those she can get something out of. And once someone no longer has something she wants, she has zero interest in them. So my remaining siblings and I are adamant in remaining no contact with her. The family members who have resumed contact have done so mostly to stay in touch with her kids. I feel sorry for the kids, but I think the best thing that could happen is for her to lose custody. Of course I don’t blame the kids for their mother’s actions, but I had never spent much time with the kids and my general good wishes for their welfare aren’t sufficient to overcome my refusal to ever spend another minute with her.

I just need to vent about a situation that is simply annoying for me but apparently a major problem for some people. An extended family member did something reprehensible a couple of years ago, and after telling her what I thought of her actions, I cut all contact, as did most of the family. She bitched and moaned about it on social media, but we stood firm. However, in the past 6 months, a couple of other extended family members have resumed contact. Now those who have resumed contact are pushing the mantra of “You all need to just get over what happened and resume contact because she’s FAMILY.“ There’s a strong implication that we’re the ones being jerks for not just sweeping things under the rug and pretending that nothing happened. And hell no. She stole money from both her mother (my sister) while she was dying and her grandmother (my mother), by using my mother’s bank cards that my sister had in her possession and stealing cash from a home safe. The total was around $40K, so this wasn’t a small sum that she could easily repay. For various reasons, it wasn’t feasible to press charges against her. She has vacillated between denying that she took the money, blaming another family member for not monitoring the bank accounts more closely and preventing her from withdrawing the money, and claiming she deserved the money and needed it more than her mother and her grandmother did. She most likely spent the money on drugs. What annoys the fuck out of me are people who don’t understand that some actions are unforgivable, and that even with family members, nobody is required to forgive someone for bad actions. I fully believe that occasionally, someone’s behavior is so bad that there’s no getting past it. In this case, this was not a one-off incident of bad behavior; it was just an escalation of previous incidents. And so I am ignoring the couple of family members who want to “move on” to keep the peace. I cut a toxic person from my life, and the fact that we’re related means nothing to me at this point. There is absolutely nothing she could do that would ever make me forgive her or want to interact with her again.

No, it’s categorized as an end of life planner. Similar titles include “Sorry for your loss, it’s me” and “Shit you”ll need when I’m gone.”

This is true for any adult, male or female. Males in their mid-20s who don’t know how to cook or do laundry? Females in their mid-60s who don’t know their own finances and how to pay bills? All of them are likely to be in for a very rude awakening when the person who previously did this for them is no longer willing or able to continue babying them. Barring some kind of cognitive impairment, these and similar activities are things ALL adults should be able to do themselves. In my mother’s generation, too many women were taught to rely solely on their husbands to handle all financial decisions and obligations. To this day, too many boys are still taught that domestic tasks are the responsibility of their mothers, sisters, girlfriends, and wives. I highly recommend, for anyone, getting a couple of small books from Amazon or other bookstores: one is a password book that has space to write your online accounts, with user names and passwords, so that if you forget them, it’s an easy reference, and if the normal bill-payer in the household isn’t available, someone else can do it. The other is a book (several variations available) that is essentially “I’m Dead; Now What?”; it contains spaces for critical information that family members would need in the event of a spouse’s/parent’s death, all in one place rather than having to search through a laptop or physical files. While purchasing these and filling them out doesn’t change the division of responsibility between couples or parents/children, it does make it easier for survivors to keep the household going without having the power cut off because nobody knows where the bills are and how the bills are normally paid.

Honey Nut Cheerios Medley Crunch. Love the combo of textures and flavors.

I have to wonder what that mom will whine about when the kids grow up and leave home. Being a full-time SAHM or SAHD can be a huge challenge, if the person is committed to being a good parent. Being a child-free person who is in the workplace can also be a major challenge. Being a parent who has paid employment isn’t easy either. But what I am tired of is the smug self-righteousness that so many people exhibit when they act as if their specific choice is somehow morally superior to choices others have made. Why is it so difficult to understand that people make these decisions based on their situations and needs/preferences? It’s not a “one size fits all” decision regarding how you manage your life.

Another option to consider is donating blood or platelets. I haven’t been able to do so for health reasons for a couple of years, but I used to donate platelets on a regular basis. Often people receiving chemotherapy need platelets, and it feels good to know you are possibly helping someone survive a certain treatment. Of course, blood is almost always needed as well, and the process for blood donation is usually fast and relatively easy. I know people can be squeamish about donating blood, but it’s a critical need. Most people don’t volunteer to donate, and so despite me living in a large city, the local blood bank used to call me on a regular basis because I have AB- blood, and they would have a shortage. If you’re looking to do something positive and can’t handle volunteering at an animal shelter, please consider looking into blood/plasma/platelet donation as a way to help others.

My ex-husband is Jewish, and while he didn’t observe all the dietary laws, he was adamant about not mixing dairy and meat. I can’t even begin to count the times he would order a burger, decline cheese when it was offered as an option, refuse to accept the cheeseburger that was served, and have to explain to wait staff that no, just scraping the cheese off wasn’t sufficient. Admittedly, this was more common in small towns. I haven’t spoken to him in a few years, so I have to wonder if the increased awareness of people having problems with dairy has made it easier for him to get a burger that hasn’t been contaminated with cheese. Overall, I wish wait staff and people in general would be less judgmental about food choices. For example, the fact that I won’t eat seafood doesn’t mean I distrust someone’s cooking or don’t think the restaurant has fresh enough seafood; it just means I hate seafood, and I shouldn’t have to justify my preference.

In this part of Texas, the default is sweetened tea and so I have to specify “unsweetened iced tea, no lemon,” and it’s as if the wait staff are so focused on getting the unsweetened part correct, they completely forget about not adding lemon. However, the lemon problem occurred regularly even back when I used to drink sweetened tea. I’m okay with raspberry-flavored tea, as long as I know ahead of time that’s what it is. Peach and other flavors of iced tea, hell no. And don’t get me started on iced tea that is so weak that it’s essentially colored water. All this is why I generally prefer to make my own tea at home, but when it’s necessary to go out, I try to order iced tea instead of soda unless I already know the iced tea at that specific restaurant is horrible. For hot tea, I’m a little more adventurous with flavors. English or Irish breakfast teas are my standard morning beverage, with decaf/herbal teas for the afternoon.

In the giant scheme of things, this is especially petty, but it annoys me to no end: restaurants who serve iced tea with a slice of lemon already in the beverage. Not everyone likes lemon in their tea. For those who prefer coffee, imagine how you would feel if 95% of the time, your coffee was served with creamer already added even though you didn’t request any creamer. Yes, I can remove the slice of lemon but the flavor has already contaminated the tea. Yes, I can ask the wait staff not to add lemon but they’re so accustomed to dunking the lemon into the tea that most of the time, they forget my request and add it anyway, and when they serve it, are obviously not happy when I ask for a new glass without the lemon. A very small minority of restaurants or servers handle iced tea correctly by either asking up front if the customer wants lemon or by sticking the lemon in a separate small bowl or saucer. Yet almost all wait staff will ask customers who order coffee if they want cream and sugar, and they damn sure don’t deliver coffee with creamer and sugar already added into the coffee. Why is it so difficult to treat iced tea the same way, especially as many of the wait staff will ask if the customer wants sweetened or unsweetened tea? How hard is it to add one more question and find out if lemon is wanted?

When I moved my mother in with me a few years ago, the assisted living facility she had been in handled all the paperwork to give me a power of attorney for my mother, and it’s a good thing. She could make some decisions for herself, but would have been easy prey for some of the scams on the various home shopping networks. She wasn’t computer savvy enough to use one herself, so no online scams. I did order a few things for her from one of those networks (clothes of some sort) but had to explain that the $200 miracle wrinkle remover she wanted consisted essentially of liquid glue, and while it might give your skin a smoother appearance while you had it on, that effect would disappear as soon as the junk was removed from your face, and it was bad for the skin when used on an ongoing basis. The irony was that even at age 90, she had remarkably few wrinkles and people, including her doctors, would always initially think she was 20 years younger. My pet peeve would be outright scams or deceptive ads online or television that seem targeted for elderly people who may still have some control over their finances but can be very gullible. The existence of these scams can make it much more urgent to have that awkward conversation with a parent that it’s time to give up absolute control over their finances, which is just as or even more awkward than the conversation that it’s time to give up driving.

From this and some of your other posts, it sounds as if your parents frequently try to impose their attitude on your decisions about your child. For the sake of your child and your own peace of mind, you need to establish some boundaries with your parents; otherwise, your parents are going to spend the next two decades telling you which pre-K, elementary through high school, and university your child should attend, along with which extracurricular activities he should participate in, who his friends should be, and so forth. Yes, there may be cultural factors involved, not in the sense of grandparents being pushy because that occurs across many cultures, but in the sense that you may have been culturally conditioned to defer to your parents’ opinions and wishes. But it is possible to be polite and respectful to your parents while still making it absolutely clear to them that you and your husband will be making the decisions about how to raise your child. As a grandparent myself, I understand the temptation to tell my son and DIL what they should be doing with their son. But generally, I wait until they ask me for input, and even then, frame my thoughts not as a directive but as “You may want to also consider ABC,” in a tone that shows respect for their role as parents. I have only once given completely unsolicited advice, and that was in a situation where I felt they were unaware of a critical failure of the charter school my grandson was attending. Long story short, the reading and writing homework he was given was almost always riddled with errors in the instructions, and despite my attempts to bring those errors to the teacher’s attention, there was zero response from the teacher. (I had been asked to oversee my grandson’s homework because at that time, both parents were working evenings and didn’t get home until after homework should have been completed.) So I eventually talked to them both and recommended a change from the charter school to the neighborhood elementary school, pointing out the advantages of doing so, but nevertheless reminding them it was their decision to make. They took my advice and I can’t help but feel part of their acceptance was that I don’t constantly tell them what they should be doing and that if I was disturbed enough to give them advice on the school, then they needed to listen. My point here is that if your parents are giving you unsolicited advice on every aspect of your child’s life, you may disregard actual good advice because you’re automatically tuning out what they say because it’s nonstop.

I fail to comprehend why other employees delude themselves into thinking another employee’s work schedule is any of their damn business. That’s between the employee and his/her manager. It would be one thing if a colleague wasn’t there as promised for a meeting or project work, but to just randomly snark because another employee arrives or leaves earlier or later than one does oneself is complete and utter bullshit, not to mention it’s acting as if one has authority over the other employee to dictate work schedules.

I recently got tired of the crappy service I was getting from Spectrum (internet going out a couple of times a day, cable working maybe one day in 10, etc.) and switched over to AT&T. Had some problems getting the new internet to work, so they sent out a tech who discovered their equipment outside my house was broken, so it was a relatively quick fix once the tech got there. What I hate about dealing with customer service with any cable/internet provider is their immediate assumption that the problem is your fault: you didn’t set things up correctly, you unplugged something you shouldn’t have, etc. Things I miss about customer service from a few years ago: a cable tech from a regional cable company who was honest enough to tell me that the service problems I was having were caused by crappy equipment that the company had bought a couple of years prior. He replaced the old model with a newer model from a different manufacturer, and problem solved. Then it also used to be that if I did an online chat with my cell phone provider, they would not only fix the issue, but proactively look at my plan and inform me that because of my longevity as a customer, they could offer me a cheaper rate for my existing plan. It wasn’t an offer to lower my rate if I added other services; it was a legit offer to just reduce my monthly bill, and sure enough, the next bill would be lower than the previous one. I’m not seeing that kind of customer service anymore. Sure, if I ask about other plans, they will review my usage and possibly recommend a different plan that better suits my situation, but they are no longer proactive about it.

I have read in a few places that covid is having a serious effect on the appeal of completely open floor plans. That is, with so many people working from home, these people recognize the need for rooms with a defined space so they can shut the door to decrease noise and be able to work. Given the trend of many companies to make working from home a long term option, it will be interesting to see if new house designs move away from open floor plans. I was working from home well before the pandemic, and when I bought my current house a few years ago, one major selling point was that despite the open floor plan for most of downstairs, there was a dedicated office with doors. Inevitable pet peeve of New Year’s day: damn fireworks and the people who think they need to set them off not just at midnight but off and on for days before and after.

@BexKeps, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with liking a simple, clean decor. My pet peeve is less with that particular style trend and more with the various TV interior designers who seem to insist that every house they touch must use that style. I’d feel the same if they were insisting that everyone use dark paneled walls, dark furniture, and cluttered display shelves. Not everyone likes the same style. But too many of the TV designers are way more interested in imposing their own preferences than in finding out what the client likes and figuring out a way to express those likes. I personally prefer dark furniture. Most of my interior walls are a light color, with the exception of my dining room, where I chose the burgundy color to match one of the colors in my mother’s china (and to complement the colors in my own china). But if I were ever to have a house near a beach, for example, I would opt for a light and airy decor. No damn shiplap, though.

There are some “cream of ...” soups that would work okay in lieu of cream of mushroom, but then there are things like cream of asparagus or something that would dramatically alter the taste of green bean casserole. I sometimes experiment, so I have added cream of chicken and cream of celery to the family recipe for dressing, reducing the amount of chicken broth added to make the consistency right. My biggest culinary disaster occurred a long time ago when babysitting my nephew a few days while my sister was out of town. I decided to make Mac and cheese from scratch. Somehow I got so distracted I failed to notice I had opened a can of sweetened condensed milk instead of evaporated milk, to stir in with the cheese I was melting. That was some wretched Mac and cheese, but my nephew begged for some anyway and loved it. (He was 3 at the time. )

In my family, a sweet potato casserole gets a topping of chopped pecans, a little butter, and a little brown sugar. A sweet potato pie has a slightly different filling, with eggs and some cinnamon, but the topping is only marshmallows. Personally, I prefer just a plain baked sweet potato with nothing on it. @Bastet, I don’t know what kind of green bean casserole monstrosity your friend encountered. It’s pretty hard to fuck up green bean casserole unless you put in some really weird spices. That said, a friend had a former girlfriend who made rice krispy treats with red hots mixed in, which was not at all the flavor he wanted. Fortunately, my mother was compulsive about writing down her recipes, and an upcoming project is to get her various handwritten cookbooks scanned in and have some copies made to distribute to family members. Unfortunately there’s some overlap of recipes but I will try to ensure the final version has all of her recipes without any duplicates.

Yes, my sister made it this year, using my mother’s recipe with pecans and brown sugar on top. It’s a little sweet for me, so I treat it as a dessert.

Thank you. For major holidays, I often have this internal debate about using my regular dishes that can go in the dishwasher versus the “good” china, but then I figure what’s the point of having good china if I never use it. Sure, there’s a little more effort involved when washing the dishes by hand later, but that’s a minor inconvenience. Last Christmas my mother was literally on her deathbed, and we just got takeout. This year it felt important to resume the traditional family dinner and decorations. It was the people who live with me (daughter, sister, BIL, & nephew) plus my son, DIL, and grandson who live a couple of blocks from me and are already part of our bubble. I feel strongly that one big responsibility as a parent/grandparent is to create good memories, and holiday dinners are part of that. However, if it had been just me, I would have also set the table and enjoyed it. It’s just as important to do nice things for ourselves as it is for family and friends. My own dinner preferences are slightly different from how my parents did things; I put all the food on a separate table buffet style rather than everything on the dining table, but it’s my tradition now. Especially after how crazy this year has been, it felt great to have a normal celebration.

I hate clickbait items on general principles, but even more rage-inducing are the ones that presume to tell you that if you are over a certain age, then certain items should not be part of your wardrobe or, in the case of furniture and so forth, not be in your house at all. I’ve quit looking at those, primarily because I don’t give a flying fuck if someone thinks I’m too old to wear clothes I find comfortable or if someone thinks I should get rid of a useful household item. For home decor in general, the trend of gray floors, gray furniture, and gray walls all combined is never going to be my cup of tea, no matter how many interior decorators try to convince me that it’s the best thing ever. I have certain colors and styles I like. Yes, next time around I need to use the gold tablecloth instead of the burgundy tablecloth with the burgundy dining room walls, but I would rather have burgundy overkill than gray everything.

I’m fine with gift cards, especially from someone like my manager, who knows me primarily as a colleague and only a little as a person. Or as a group gift when it might be difficult to select something appropriate. For example, when my oldest sister died a few years ago, there was no funeral service as she didn’t want one. My manager (at that time) opted to send a gift card from our team rather than send flowers, given that there would be no funeral and she knew I planned to do a project to commemorate my sister in my own way, and could apply the gift card toward that. Generally I give more personalized gifts to family members that I know well enough to select something they will truly enjoy. But my list of people to whom I will give a gift is fairly short, and my basic feeling is that if I don’t know for sure what they would like, I’m not close enough to give them a gift at all. I am giving the person I manage a gift card, because while I do know some things in general that she likes, such as books, I don’t know enough about her specific tastes in books to know which book would be a good fit.

My gut instinct is that the “bragging” part of it is mostly reserved for those people who use FB and other social media to pretend their lives are completely perfect, with no posts related to more normal activities or the occasional stumble. All their vacations are expensive jaunts to exotic places, all kids make great grades while excelling at sports and being extremely popular with their peers, all spouses get major promotions and wildly successful careers, and their houses and yards are always spotless and gorgeous. There’s never any post to say that anything might possibly be less than perfect. That said, though, I would rather read a gazillion bragging posts than the ones where a couple or a family decide to argue over something or air their grievances with each other. At least I can snark about the bragging posts, but the family drama exhibitionists make me want to throw things over the stupidity.