VanSensei

That fucking guy who bought $2,500 in women's panties has to be in some fuckin pedophile ring or something. That's too creepy to be normal.

That makes sense. Infidelity is a big thing in the Dominican. Big, big thing. It's actually quite accepted that more than likely, your partner has a side chick.

I still think Paola's an idiot for dragging him to Miami, where there's not a lot of oil/petroleum jobs - that's like moving to Amish country to be a Java programmer.

OK, good, they're not pregnant. I know many people who had kids with people they've known for several months - including a cousin of mine. That's not a problem. This would be awkward, though.

I knew I should've gotten hammered and then watched this.

They're still together!!! BREAKING NEWS: What the fuck?!

I'll play devil's advocate and say that Danielle and Cody could make it work, really they could. They just have to try harder and un-friend zone each other.

Hey, it's the platonic couple with a marriage license!

"Have you had chocolate yet?" Holy shit, Rachel, shut up.

1. Are we really having a discussion on racism on The Bachelorette? 2. Who the fuck is Iggy? I don't remember him.

10 minutes in, they break out the Fireball and someone's already hammered. That is the only way to watch this show.

Here's one positive with Chantel and Pedro. ONE. Chantel is learning Spanish and honestly, as someone who can speak Spanish, she's doing very well. And with the Dominicans, too! Mi gente! No one understands Dominican Spanish - too fast and a lot of weird slang. Lots of Russian-born Israelis after the fall of the Soviet Union. They mostly don't Hebraicize their names like early Israelis did.

Season 1, the only productive season this show has ever had - and probably it's best - was close. SO close.

What the fuck?!

Holy crap! Have we found this show's second success in 15 marriages in Ashley and Anthony? EDIT: Because there is absolutely no way the Duke and Duchess of Friendzone are staying together.

The guide had me thinking that the Buffalo couple with the bus were coming from NYC, then I saw their budget! $200k in NYC is some decrepit studio where a murder happened, lol.

OK, future condolences to anyone who turned Eric's use of the word 'man' into a drinking game. They are apocalyptically fucked. The show absolutely wants us to think Bryan wins, I'm convinced. Especially with the line of "I went to Mass and got a sign from GOD for you *angelic chorus!". Watch as they're broken up by September, lol.

Absolutely. There's helping the old country and being a dick. Pedro is just a dick.

Y'all. Y'all. Y'all. I'm fucking 100% Dominican - both my parents were born there, but most of my dad's family moved to Connecticut and Puerto Rico. It is ABSOLUTELY 100% expected that whenever you go back to the old country, you send money and bring them items from the US. Not doing so is considered sacrosanct. Ask anyone who has family in a third-world country and they will tell you the exact same thing.

I would consider it a miracle of space and time if they even evolved to slightly-romantic kissing. They're roommates with a marriage license and even that might be horseshit.

If I had a dollar for every fucking time this happened, every man, woman and child in America could have a brand-new Ford Focus.

For some reason, we're hearing about their favorite ways to fuck. What a weird thing to have out in the open.

"The experts got it right!" The experts, in 5 seasons of this show, have gotten about 4 things right. Still a step up from the original 3 of the Great American Scam Married at First Sight. And no, Cody and Danielle are NEVER having sex. It would be a Christmas miracle if they got past non-cordial light kissing.

You might need hard liquor, instead.

Man, Cory is milquetoast as fuck. There is nothing there. Why is this anesthesia drug with legs on my screen? Donnay sets off my gaydar in ways that would put Elton John to shame. Nate should not be jealous, but he's Nate. Ashley and Anthony will be the 3rd success in 5 seasons - I'm putting on my Wolf Blitzer wig and making a projection now.