nachomama

When Madonna's naked pics showed up in magazines my mom was very curious so she went out and bought the magazine. She did let us see them (we are not calling her a good mother) and then she was going to throw the magazine away but gave it to a homeless guy. This is sooooooooooo pre internet it's hilarious. This is also the same day she ran a cop off the road because she thought she could pass a little navajo man doing 35 mph on the frontage road but she wouldn't shift out of 5th gear to get the fire power to zoom around him. She went immediately to pay the ticket that way there was no evidence of the magazine or the ticket. She had a very naughty day. My computer is all set up, programs installed, internets working, I can email (and goof off, clearly) but I can't print anything. Omg 2015 can't get here fast enough. I'm done. kerblewy. plonk. thunk.

I finally have a computer again at work. re-installing software is thrill a minute. I went to see Into the Woods over Christmas, I liked it. I was familiar with it from college and I thought it was very well done. Can't wait for Walking Dead marathon.

Y'all make me feel good. 2014 has been the suck. I have several friends who are having near death scrapes with the parents. Sooner this holiday crap is over the better. I go to the movies and avoid my friends because I don't want their invites so I can be the odd non-relative. I don't want your turkey, sweet potatoes or punkin pie.

SQUEEEEEEEEEEE! I'm geeking out. Kim Dickens aka the other whore from deadwood will be in the walking dead spin off. I figured I would probably watch because they own me like that. Perhaps Sweegin will join. :D Walking Deadwood ftw!

Here's a festive Christmas story. My mother bought my father art one year for Christmas. Dude found a tree that looked like a deer sitting in the forest. We could call it a sculpture. Trimmed it up buffed it. Nice wooden deer with a rack. Oh daddy didn't like it. He was not an art guy. He rely woulda crapped his pants if he knew mom spent like $1000 on it! (Her money from my gramma). So it sat in our living room for long time with no love. So I hung Christmas ornaments from his antlers and named him shotgun. I would sit on him sometimes and give a royal wave. So when we moved we loads him in the truck and I kept referring to him as shotgun and my friend (who didn't see us "load" shotgun only heard us refer to having loaded shotgun into the truck) got very worried as we drove down a very bumpy road. She says "I hope that shotgun doesn't go off"

Never knew anyone who had a pet vulture before. Yes I can definitely wait til late. I'm not after any traditional Christmas items. I don't like all that. And I come back day after Christmas for the marked down crap. I love the lotion soap baskets really smelly good things. I get em half off day after and the candy. Who hates self check out? Oh booze too. Need the booze for the holidays. There's no edit post on phone.

You guys gotta talk. Still no computer so I can't do any work plus there isn't much anyway last day before Xmas break. I'm sooooooo bored. I cleaned the work fridge. I cleaned toilets! =o Which will be more hell? Shopping tonight for groceries or tomorrow mid day? Either way I'm treating myself to lunch.

Yes little house on the prairie. Oh my you think wholesome family entertainment. There were mime rapists and people dying all over the place. One year I got Barbies for Christmas and there was a note from Santa saying she didn't make it on the sleigh but she could be picked up at the western auto store in town the next time mommy went. So the nephew will probably be fine.

My computer did go to be with his father Steve jobs I. Heaven so I'm on my phone. Auto correct gonna make me look like an embicile but here I is. I'm avoiding busy work like cleaning around the office or gathering trash. We aren't busy Anyway. I'm glad you didn't have to postpone Christmas irishmaple. I gave up many years ago trying to do any cards. I assume the chocolate was for me and I'm watching my mail. :D I enjoy toffee. Please write that down. I was a refugee from twop also but I hung out in much more demented threads than this. Lhotp <<-- those in the know will know the sickest people on the planet dwell there

You have nooooooooooooooo idea how appropos the jesus one is pertaining to my life. hilarious.

I saw someone post on facebook that they took a blind kid's cane away at school because it could be classified a weapon and gave him a pool noodle to lean on (could be internet hoax but some people are that stupid) and I've heard of kids getting into trouble with zero tolerance because of butter knives in lunch boxes. I'm from such a rural place that kids drove their trucks to school with loaded shotguns in gun racks. Obviously pre-Columbine but no one thought anything of it and every boy had at least a pocket knife if not an actual hunting knife that they carried on them.

Wow, you know how quickly we would be hauled into the counselor's office for all our whacky hijinks? We'd be having some serious psych evaluations based on the stuff we got up to as kids. The only thing my parents were ever called in about was they asked us to draw a picture of our family in kindergarden. I drew everyone, ev.reeee.one! siblings, grandparents, cousins, the dog, the cat, neice, aunts the goldfish you name it, I drew them. I did NOT draw my dad. Teacher came around and labeled everyone for you so I definitely didn't list him. Now it was very small town, people did know my parents were not divorced and daddy hadn't died or nothing (as you know Mrs. Funk was at church and most of the teachers had my sister just the year before) so they called a meeting to see if there was a nefarious reason I didn't draw pops. My explanation is this, my dad was the guy who lived in the room at the end of the hall. He worked swing shift so he sometimes slept during the day and and went to work at midnight or 4 pm not 9 to 5 like other people's dads. So he was the mean guy if you woke him up during the day and he took his meals in the bedroom etc etc. There was nothing squirrelly about the situation but to my (dimly lit) mind he lived in that room, not in our whole house. But there were serious talks about why I left my dad out of the picture. OOOPSY

The Scruples book stands out in my mind as dirtier than HH but maybe I didn't know most of the stuff she was up to?? I only remember her peeing on someone and being super grossed out. And last night I noticed our weatherman is named Weatherbee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and and I thought I was a frikkin genius when I read an article about Harper Lee that said "childhood friend's with Truman Capote" I slapped my hand down on the desk and scared the bejeebus out of my roommate and hollered "TRUMAN CAPOTE IS DILL!"

We always watched "That Darn Cat" and "Pete's Dragon" but thank you jeebus I've never heard of the 5000 fingers of Dr. T I somehow never ever saw Willy Wonka til I went to college. The childcatcher in Chitty Bang Bang petrified me. Not only did my parents let me watch Horror movies or whatever was on tv I also had some seriously inappropriate books from a very young age. I had Mistral's daughter when I was like 8-9, I had some book about Cynthia Parker (kidnapped white child from Texas who was raised as an Indian) It was a true story so I'm sure my mom thought it was history but it had pretty graphic sex and violence. Do not ask me how or why but my sister had "The Happy Hooker" and Scruples<-- if you've read that IT'S A DIRTY BOOK! =O I read "To Kill a Mockingbird" and "Diary of Anne Frank" when I was like 8 which these are not bad books but the meaning went compleeeeeetely over my head. I thought tkam was funny, because Scout dresses up in a ham costume and Atticus says to the old lady "You look as pretty as a picture" and scout whisper "a picture of what?" totally missed the whole racism, faux rape (THIS IS WHERE I LEARNED THE WORD CHIFFOROBE!!!!!!) and Anne Frank I was all giddy that they got to live in an attic. Nazis and the fact that THE WHOLE FAMILY DIED were lost on me. My bulb, she are not lit well. :D I re read them obviously and I love love love to kill a mockingbird to this day.

Apparently Dirty Harry was my favorite movie when I was like 3 cuz yeah you watched what they watched. I hated Mash because it meant my dad took over the tv and I couldn't watch Gilligan after school. It blew my mind when I found out that all those "after school" tv shows, Brady Bunch, Gilligan, Beverly Hillbilly's used to be prime time tv. We went to the drive in and I was supposed to go to sleep after the cartoon. (Movies used to show cartoons before the main feature!) And my parents were watching some horror movie and the man gets out of the tent in the middle of the night and the monster grabs him. Instead of being scared I shouted "Dont forget the toilet paper" I had a friend who didn't know until college that Bambi's mom got shot, or that the Von Trapp's were escaping Nazi's her mom didn't only let her watch the parts of Bambi where he's hanging out with Friends and stopped the Sound of Music after they won the singing competition.

Explain to a kid that you couldn't watch anything anytime you wanted. You had to be there at the time the show aired. What a concept! Or watch pretty princess ponies endlessly over and over and over. We got the Wizard of Oz once a year or The Sound of Music or The Grinch. (original, I spit on Jim Carrey version, ptooey) We lived in bfe Utah for a while and had 1 channel. just the one. On the day the Wizard of Oz was coming on the channel went kerblewy. Apparently we were quite traumatized because my dad loaded us up and we drove 90 miles to a motel that had cable so we could watch. He liked to tell me that story when I was a sullen teenager and he said "don't say I never did anything for you" I threw back that I didn't remember it so I probably would have survived and thus I owed him nothing for this gesture. Regular barrel of sunshine I was.

We had a party line but it was because we lived way out in bfe* and my dad's company provided the phone line to the houses. My mother was totally the person who listened on the party line. And then we moved to a small town where you just dialed the last 4 digits and if you gave up your phone number you had to wait until a number was available cuz they weren't adding any, then cell phones took over and no one has a land line. * We were so far out of town that we only went grocery shopping once a month and it was all canned, frozen (you packed in dry ice), or dried. Any fresh fruit or perishables were gone within the first week and it was frozen milk, canned veggies and thaw some hamburger. And I'm sure this was not good for us but we sucked the smoke from the dry ice. Run water over it and smoke up the house and use a straw to inhale (its frikkin carbon dioxide-bye bye brain cells) and if you stuck a fork on the ice it squealed. Oh and the smoke tastes like root beer :D or dying brain cells do.

Ulysses is better! I'm still not the brightest bulb. They do that on the news now, like Bart Simpson they write in for birthday shout outs or new baby names and see if they get past the little midwest news team. First baby of the New Year Peter Reader! Little MIchael Hunt turns 2 today. I used to be so fascinated by the plug wire telephone board thingys. And I loved the punch game on the Price is Right. You get 3 punches and pull out the slips to see what you won. Something about holes and stuff you stick in them. Plinko is a rip off though, nobody ever wins the big prize! People just get excited to see the thing bounce off the pegs. I liked the scrambled number game where you get 6 numbers and have 10 chances to scramble the numbers for the price of the car. But you gotta get through the 3 digit prize first, then 4 and you run out of chances by the time you get to the car. We were watching Bob Barker (that was the name of the show not Price is right) and my sister was pushing an empty rocking chair behind me. Turned it over and it smacked me in the head, I saw the tv go off with a little white circle going smaller smaller bloop. And I'm thinking HEY! >=( WHO TURNED OFF BOB BARKER! She knocked me out cold. ( I also thought the Carol Burnett show was just the cartoon janitor at the beginning)

First name Haywood J.? ;) We had a computer teacher in high school who the big rumor was she did cocaine. (Bunk I'm sure) But she was showing my friend Robert something and when she had left I pointed to the powder on the desk and his face went all =0 ( It was chalk people! How dumb was robert?) Anywho My first joke, we were typing random garbage for our typing skills and one of the sentences had the word "thespian" so I raised my hand and asked cocaine teacher "what's a thespian? A lesbian with a lisp?" (Which makes no sense but I got to ask a teacher a question that made her face go =O )

Could those aliens from sesame Street who say YIP YIP YIP YIP be in the show? I demand a doctor with a special name! We also had a Pete Reader in my class. So the lady is on the intercom "Mr. Peacock (drafting so does no good that he has funny name) would you please send Peter Reader to the office" then you hear the microphone back feed noise and muffling. Then "Mr. Peacock will you send PETE...long pause...Reader to the office". Say Peter Reader out loud. Its fun :D

My computer is dying! I just looked for a previously app because I might go poof. My boss is supposedly looking for a replacement but I got scary message this morning and my nerd friend says "not long now, start the vigil". My boss is looking for used. so cheap! omg just spent the weekend in New York and he's a 3 mercedes household (plus the credenza, donchaknow) and he'll be skiing in Park City over New Years. the man can afford to pay me better and get a decent computer. I had Mrs. Yip for music. I grew up in New Mexico and we had plenty of odd names but can't think of really appropriate job names, Harry Larry. not that isn't a joke. Tom Joe and Joe Tom, Jimson Jim they had a thing of first names being last names cuz when the gubment went and snatched the kids from the reservation they demanded an english name of them and would give them the name Harry or Tom or Joe and then the next kid in line would repeat it. Basically assigned names on them.

Oh of course I know Debra. I loved Dexter. Got a little weird for me when Debra was in love with him. But I enjoyed the fucktacularity.

5th grade? /me clutches pearls I did an oral report IN COLLEGE where I extoled the virtues of Hemp and passed around hemp paper (totally just a piece of art paper ripped out of sketch pad, not hemp at all) and I had scribbled all the notes down 5 minutes before class, about the government made hemp illegal so DuPont could make nylon yada yada, the speech was a big hit and I got an A but it was utter and complete bs. We lived 30 miles outside of town, looooong bus ride, when I was a kid so there was no going home for lunch but the kids taught me the words to Pink Floyd's The Wall as "we don't need sex education we don't need no birth control" so I'm like 5 singing that. Then they sent me to the school nurse for hearing check and I was the last lil kid sent back to class by my lonesome and my class had disappeared. ABDUCTED! Omg I freaked out, absolute panic set in that I didn't know where my teacher or classmates were. So I did the logical thing, threw myself on the ground and threw a fit. Couple teachers ran in and tried to calm me down. Guess where they were? Lunchroom...where was the lunchroom? Next door. I was not the brightest bulb. :D At church Mrs. Funk (yes her real name) was whispering to my mom "she's such a quiet child, I couldn't believe it" she was the principal's secretary.

I remember the old Parkay commercials and the DON'T FOOL WITH MOTHER NATURE LADY when you told her it was not butter. I'M NOT OLD! >:(

My mom said oleo too! freaky I haven't heard that in so long. I'm strictly anti margarine now, only real butter. And I'll break things if you bring Miracle whip into my house. I also dislike eggs but can't do anything about that, you kinda gotta cook with them once in a while. But ick if you do a soft 3 minute egg thing like my gramma used to do I'll probably puke on your shoes.