Stress, Depression, Anxiety and other Mental Health-related things

[Cloud9Shopper]

I think I am just about done with my career counselor. This past session, we were talking about an interview I had and she noticed the closet doors behind me, which are the doors to my laundry area, were slightly open. She asked me if this is where I sat while doing my interview and I said yeah, and she said well those doors should be closed all the way because some employers are really picky and may notice that kind of thing. Mind you, you couldn’t even see the washer and dryer; the doors were open maybe an inch or two. She also criticized me for having a wall hanging up that said “Hello.” It was one of those $3-$4 things that I found at the Christmas Tree Shoppes and thought it was cute. I get that she was trying to talk about interview presentation and whatnot but my theory is that if an employer is upset that a closet door in my home was open an inch and they couldn’t even see the contents, then I don’t want to work for them anyway.

She also told me I shouldn’t go into a job just because it’s stable. So what am I supposed to do when I’m two years from 40 and currently in a dead end job that doesn’t even pay $50,000 a year? The “find your passion” and “find work that fits your values!” stages of my life are long over. I did, however, realize that I am still capable of more than working in a call center and I shouldn’t give up on it even though yesterday I did want to quit and throw in the towel since I feel rejected and undesirable as an employee.

I gave my resume to her because I am at least open to hearing ways I could improve it and it’s better than posting it on Reddit or sending it to someone else online who doesn’t know me. Once she gives me resume feedback (she doesn’t write resumes which is OK with me) and I redo it I may thank her for her help and then go do my own thing. Even with that, though, I essentially paid her to hear things that I’ve already read online, like how recruiters only look at your resume for six seconds and you have to have “keywords” to “beat the ATS.” (And even with that a lot of companies do still read resumes anyway so it’s kind of a myth.) Honestly the whole job market and ever increasing expectations and pressure on applicants is stressing me out more than not knowing my “passion” anyway…maybe I need actual therapy to handle being more anxious and stuck and not career coaching. 

Edited June 25, 2023 by Cloud9Shopper

[PRgal]

@Cloud9ShopperDo you have a passion that you can do as a side hustle?  Like, maybe something you can list yourself on Findr for?  Or make stuff to sell on Etsy?  Just a thought. :) 

[nokat]

I've had a lot of change happening at once.  A lot of things to juggle and a cross country move. I am actually surprised at how well I've handled it. I know people do this so it's no big deal, but for someone with anxiety it can be overwhelming.

So for anyone out there feeling it is too much, accept help if offered, and do a little at a time without thinking of all the things to do yet. What needs done now? Do that. Write lists for short term. Put aside the things that can wait. This kept me going.  If anti-anxiety meds help you like they did me, don't hesitate.

[Bastet]

I have chronic anxiety (and depression), so anything that would make the average person worry shoots me into high-anxiety mode.  My cat is very ill, but extensive testing hasn't revealed a cause.  This same thing happened three years ago, and after several months she fully recovered, so I'm letting her suffer for now in the hopes she can do it again. 

I shared in the Pets thread that my parents were frustrating me, telling me this kind of stress is not good for me (or my cat, as she senses my anxiety and gets anxious herself), as if I a) don't know that and b) can do anything about it -- I'm scared my cat is dying, that's not something I can suddenly not be stressed about. 

Shortly after that, my dad called to tell me my mom has stage four kidney disease.  That was completely out of the blue; her oncologist referred her to a nephrologist on a "just in case" basis because her kidney values jump around.  How is she already at stage four?!  That's it; the next stage is failure, where you need either dialysis or a transplant (which, of course, is not an option for an 80-year-old).  The next step is an ultrasound, but there's really not much that can be done other than some adjustments to her diet and her medications to ease the burden a bit and slow the progression.

If I took enough Ativan to calm down from this state, I would be non-functional.

[supposebly]

53 minutes ago, Bastet said:

have chronic anxiety (and depression), so anything that would make the average person worry shoots me into high-anxiety mode. 

Same here so I relate. Two serious illnesses in the family are just so much. I'd be a wreck just worrying about the cat. 

Meditation, yoga and audiobooks are my go-to methods when life becomes overwhelming.

I hope your kitty recovers soon. And your mother's illness remains manageable.

 

[Cloud9Shopper]

I just did something so stupid that I wish I could leave town for a while or claim it was for a reason anything else than my own stupidity. (Has anyone else ever felt super embarrassed like this or is it just me?) It feels like my issues have all finally come to a head and I need to start getting help before it gets even worse. I know what I did is up there with Worst Thing Ever so just looking for support to move forward. 

I’ve posted a few times now about being upset about not being invited to a wedding where most of the choir I’m in was invited. I only found out today and last week that a few others weren’t invited too but today I still felt really depressed and upset and hit the angry emoji on the FB feed of the wedding. My mom saw it and didn’t believe me when I tried to say it was an accident and I hit the wrong emoji, and she was like how could you do that on the wedding day this is Bride’s dream come true! Now I feel like shit that my envy got the better of me (I have long had troubles with comparing myself to others) and I feel like I’ll be run out of the church forever and be shunned. I don’t know how many other people saw it or will mention it to my mom offhand, or isolate me or stop being friends with her as a result. That’s a “time will tell” thing. I guess I’m struggling so much with my own life (unhappy at work, trying to get out from under a huge amount of debt, feeling like everyone else has more fortune than I do, etc.) that I finally let it get the better of me and hurt someone. I know that even rationally I’m not the only person who’s ever said or did something that hurt someone else’s feelings. (Hell just after blowing up at me my mom was fighting with my stepdad about a totally different issue and I know she’s told me when he upsets her or worried her.) 

I feel so ashamed now, and if I could I would definitely go home tonight, pack a suitcase and get out of town for a while and delete my Facebook to claim anything else happened (I was hacked, it was an accident) and I don’t know what anyone is talking about. I mean doesn’t get much lower than wrecking someone’s wedding day. But I really do need the help now before this gets worse. And it’s not just issues like this. I stress myself out so easily that I catastrophize and go into panic mode way too easy. Yesterday I was taking a skills assessment for a job and felt so much anxiety I spent the whole time wanting to throw up. That is not normal either. I just feel so frustrated with myself and letting this fester. Sorry… 

[shapeshifter]

4 hours ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

My mom saw it and didn’t believe me when I tried to say it was an accident and I hit the wrong emoji

But likely most people who see it will assume it was a mistake. 
Anyway. Just change it to a ❤️.

Edited July 30, 2023 by shapeshifter

[stewedsquash]

@Cloud9Shopper I hope you find some relief from feeling overwhelmed. And I second @shapeshifter's advice. It will likely be looked on as a mistaken reaction. 

 

[Cloud9Shopper]

34 minutes ago, stewedsquash said:

@Cloud9Shopper I hope you find some relief from feeling overwhelmed. And I second @shapeshifter's advice. It will likely be looked on as a mistaken reaction. 

 

I’m so much unhappier than I was this time last year. Last year I had just found a new job with career potential and the highest salary I’d ever earned (the job I left when I took the new job I just felt like I had grown out of but overall it was still one of the better jobs I had) and was finishing a certificate program. This year I am in Crappy Job after New Job laid me off only four months in and I am trying to get out of Crappy Job. I’m also trying to put my financial life back together and my credit is basically garbage right now. Sometimes I don’t see how it will ever get better. Barring a windfall of money I don’t anticipate being out of debt for 3-4 years, and that’s not even counting student loans. 

Not to mention most of my friends and family are coupled off now, own homes, and/or have kids so I’ve gotten lonelier as a result. I’ve had so many promises from people of “let’s get together soon!” but they never go anywhere. I’m starting to wonder if I should start dating just to feel less alone. Having a partner doesn’t fix every life problem but it fixes a lot of them. 

None of this excuses my behavior, I know, but if I were happier I know I wouldn’t be as prone to being easily jealous of others or worried about not being invited to a wedding. Even when my cousin and his wife got married, or when a different friend got married last year, it’s not like I look at the pictures all the time or constantly relive how fun it was to be invited. I let it bother me for no reason at all. 

[stewedsquash]

6 minutes ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

None of this excuses my behavior, I know, but if I were happier 

 

6 minutes ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

I let it bother me for no reason at all. 

When a person gets overwhelmed with life chaos what you are feeling and doing is a natural reaction. It is a circular cycle, and feels like a pile on when you are in the middle of it. You have a lot of self awareness and honesty in evaluating your situation, which is a useful trait to have moving forward. 

 

 

[Bastet]

7 hours ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

I mean doesn’t get much lower than wrecking someone’s wedding day.

I highly doubt you actually wrecked someone's wedding day via a reaction icon on social media - and, if you did, they're pathetic, so not someone to disproportionately worry over - so just change it (assuming you can, as we can on here) and get back to focusing on yourself.

1 hour ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

I’m starting to wonder if I should start dating just to feel less alone. Having a partner doesn’t fix every life problem but it fixes a lot of them. 

It can also create more problems than it's worth; it depends on the relationship.  One should never look to a partner to fix their life.  A good partner can be a great bonus in life, and if you want to explore dating rock on with your bad self, but expecting that to be a game changer isn't realistic, and sets you up to accept a partner who is less than what you deserve just to have someone.

[GATenn]

I've been diagnosed with ADHD, bi-polar, and anxiety. 

I'm in the middle of moving to Savannah, GA from Nashville. My place is a wreck, and I can't stand it. And then yesterday I found out that one of my closest friends died in a car accident.

I don't know how to deal with it. Right now, my mental health is shaky at best. This is just throwing me off a bridge.

Not only that, I have to find new providers in Savannah. I've had the same doctors in Nashville for nearly 12 years.

I'll be ok, but my friend's death plus the move is pushing me over the edge.

[nokat]

8 hours ago, GATenn said:

I'll be ok, but my friend's death plus the move is pushing me over the edge.

I very much understand this. You feel like you can't handle any more. I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend, and things do seem to pile on and you don't think you can handle it.

If you need a virtual hug, I'll give you a long one. The usual day at a time. I try to remember that.

[shapeshifter]

9 hours ago, GATenn said:

...I'll be ok, but my friend's death plus the move is pushing me over the edge.

I admire your ability to even type "I'll be ok."
That makes me trust that you will be okay. ⛈️⛅

 

9 hours ago, GATenn said:

I have to find new providers in Savannah. I've had the same doctors in Nashville for nearly 12 years.

When I moved across the country 2 years ago, my doctors continued to provide speedy responses to my messages through the online system as long as I needed them. I did a couple of video appointments too.

I've had similar mental health diagnoses, plus I sometimes think there should be an "empath" (Star Trek) diagnosis too. ❤️

Edited August 10, 2023 by shapeshifter

[GATenn]

16 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

I admire your ability to even type "I'll be ok."
That makes me trust that you will be okay. ⛈️⛅

Thank you all. I really appreciate it.

There is going to be a celebration of life at Lipstick Lounge in Nashville (where we hung out and where I met him) toward the end of August. I'll be moved by then.

It's probably just as well, because I'd probably bring it all down.

Why did he have to die?

Why does any deity or whatever think it's ok?

Why did he have to die at 49?

Why didn't we get to say goodbye?

The last text I got from him the day before he died?

"I'm so happy".

I seriously feel like M'Lynn from Steel Magnolias. I want to know why.

 

Edited August 11, 2023 by GATenn

[annzeepark914]

I can see and hear Sally Fields as M'Lynn right now. Whoever wrote that script spoke for a lot of people on this planet. I wish you a safe and successful move, and some serenity in your new home.

[RealHousewife]

Anyone else more anxious when working in the office?

My job is currently hybrid. I am totally okay working remotely. I still deal with anxiety when it comes to large groups, but day to day, I manage work, errands, seeing people I'm close to, etc. 

But my anxiety in the office is really bad. I am constantly shivering. I worry about stuff I shouldn't worry about. I feel like I just need to escape. It is embarrassing, but I have to go to the bathroom more often than normal, but then sometimes I just want to find any excuse to leave. I'll leave my desk to go outside to warm up. I'll go to my car. I'll leave to go get a snack I don't even want. It's really frustrating because it makes me look flaky when it's not during a break time, but for whatever reason, being in the office, my stomach is in knots all day. I wondered if maybe I need to stop drinking coffee so my body would calm down, but I felt worse at work drinking a small tea than I do after two cups of coffee at the house. I'm not jittery at home even if I have a lot of caffeine. I thought maybe the food I ate at work upset my stomach, but I have no issues eating the same foods at home or out with friends. 

I am friends with my boss. I get along with my coworkers. There are instances here and there that make me uncomfortable. There are days that can be stressful as far as my workload, but for the most part, it's a low-stress job. 

I'm not sure why my anxiety is triggered so much working in the office. Maybe working remotely 100% of the time/the pandemic changed me more than I realized. I have also previously dealt with some pretty bad work place harassment. What's odd though, is that the anxiety has gotten worse as of late, and I've been back in the office part time for about a year now. The only thing that's happened very recently is having to be in the office earlier than normal. I am getting less sleep. I have also been given new responsibilities. Neither is anything that hasn't happened before, but I'm not sure what else could make me so anxious all day. 

[GATenn]

I get it. I'm going to be 100% remote since I'm moving, but when they asked us to come into the office two days a week, I bolted by 11am. None of my coworkers were there anyway, and I just didn't see the point.

It seems so weird now that we actually went to an office five days a week at one time.

[PRgal]

19 hours ago, GATenn said:

I get it. I'm going to be 100% remote since I'm moving, but when they asked us to come into the office two days a week, I bolted by 11am. None of my coworkers were there anyway, and I just didn't see the point.

It seems so weird now that we actually went to an office five days a week at one time.

They were okay with you coming in for just a few hours?  

 

[GATenn]

13 hours ago, PRgal said:

They were okay with you coming in for just a few hours?  

 

As long as I showed up, they didn't care. Plus, I only lived 10 minutes away. I've taken longer bathroom breaks than it took me to get home.

[PRgal]

6 minutes ago, GATenn said:

As long as I showed up, they didn't care. Plus, I only lived 10 minutes away. I've taken longer bathroom breaks than it took me to get home.

Lucky you that you live 10 minutes away!  And it sounds like if they need you in for a meeting, you could very well just pick up and go, do the meeting and then go home to work more there.  My husband has, on average, a 40 minute drive.  Last week, due to an issue on the way back, it took him twice the amount of time.  And it's a reverse commute, too, so you'd think that it would be easy.

[oliviabenson]

Trying to date made my mental health even worse. Men on apps are awful.

[Cloud9Shopper]

I just spent most of my lunch break on text with a crisis line volunteer. The majority of my last few days at work have been so shitty and it’s making me feel so suffocated and hopeless. It’s literally garbage to the point where I’m having to beg my boss to let me go to a doctor’s appointment because we had something blow up, but when I put in the request last week, the day off was available for me to ask for it. Like sorry but I shouldn’t have to pay for something that wasn’t my mistake. Plus the high volume of panic and calls we’re getting is almost trapping me. No motivation from management about how great we’re doing is helping me right now, especially as we’ve been told not to joke around and being asked to work a ton extra at the moment. (I don’t want to say where I work, obviously, but we don’t exactly work for FEMA or the Red Cross or a 911 center.) 

l have never really felt so hopeless at work to the point where I felt like I was on the brink. The volunteer I talked to was very kind and helpful at least. It just feels as if right now, life will never get better and I’ll never be able to get time off again. 

Edited August 14, 2023 by Cloud9Shopper
“Wasn’t” my mistake, not was

[GATenn]

8 hours ago, oliviabenson said:

Trying to date made my mental health even worse. Men on apps are awful.

Gawd. Don’t get me started on being a 51 year old gay man trying, unsuccessfully, to date. Which literally never happens.

[PRgal]

24 minutes ago, GATenn said:

Gawd. Don’t get me started on being a 51 year old gay man trying, unsuccessfully, to date. Which literally never happens.

Let me guess.  Guys your age are committed/married or pull a Leo and won't consider anyone over a certain age?  

 

On mental health:  I was recently prescribed anxiety meds.  It's too early to see if it really DOES work, but at least I feel more calm.  

[GATenn]

2 hours ago, PRgal said:

Let me guess.  Guys your age are committed/married or pull a Leo and won't consider anyone over a certain age?  

I guess it's the latter. I get nothing. Ever. And I honestly either 1) don't understand it, because I'm not at all unattractive, and 2) I'm a pretty cool guy, considering. I've just learned to live with it. And it's not just in Nashville - it happens everywhere I go. Or, more accurately, nothing does.

At any rate, I'm trying. Maybe moving states will help, or it won't. If it doesn't? I'm good, I guess. But, it doesn't help the depression and the wondering if there is something horribly wrong with me and what not. On one hand, I'm great. On another...I don't know.

[RealHousewife]

55 minutes ago, GATenn said:

I guess it's the latter. I get nothing. Ever. And I honestly either 1) don't understand it, because I'm not at all unattractive, and 2) I'm a pretty cool guy, considering. I've just learned to live with it. And it's not just in Nashville - it happens everywhere I go. Or, more accurately, nothing does.

At any rate, I'm trying. Maybe moving states will help, or it won't. If it doesn't? I'm good, I guess. But, it doesn't help the depression and the wondering if there is something horribly wrong with me and what not. On one hand, I'm great. On another...I don't know.

Aw, big hug to you. Have you tried the dating apps? Or do you mean no luck when you're out and about? 

[GATenn]

5 minutes ago, RealHousewife said:

Aw, big hug to you. Have you tried the dating apps? Or do you mean no luck when you're out and about? 

Either.

[RealHousewife]

1 minute ago, GATenn said:

Either.

I know a lot of lovely and attractive men and women who don't have luck meeting fellow singles when they're out doing normal things, especially past a certain age. Once you're past 20s and especially past 30s, a lot of folks might assume you probably aren't single.  

If you're open to the online dating world, have you asked any family or friends for feedback regarding your profile? I know some sweet people who are straight up hotties in person, but if you just see just see their profiles for social media or whatever, they choose pictures that aren't remold flattering. Sometimes they're scowling and look like they'd be unpleasant, but they're really not. 

[shapeshifter]

20 hours ago, GATenn said:

I guess it's the latter. I get nothing. Ever. And I honestly either 1) don't understand it, because I'm not at all unattractive, and 2) I'm a pretty cool guy, considering. I've just learned to live with it. And it's not just in Nashville - it happens everywhere I go. Or, more accurately, nothing does.

At any rate, I'm trying. Maybe moving states will help, or it won't. If it doesn't? I'm good, I guess. But, it doesn't help the depression and the wondering if there is something horribly wrong with me and what not. On one hand, I'm great. On another...I don't know.

It sounds like you realize it's not you. By a certain middle age, people who prefer to live alone often stop dating because it's too much drama for the eventual break up. And by that age, most who want to live with someone already are. There are still some possibilities, but they become fewer. 🧸

[GATenn]

14 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

It sounds like you realize it's not you. By a certain middle age, people who prefer to live alone often stop dating because it's too much drama for the eventual break up. And by that age, most who want to live with someone already are. There are still some possibilities, but they become fewer. 🧸

I honestly don't think it's me. There's always room for improvement (something that applies to everyone), but I don't think I repel people or anything. I'm fine being on my own, to be honest.

[StatisticalOutlier]

On 8/10/2023 at 10:57 PM, GATenn said:

The last text I got from him the day before he died?

"I'm so happy".

It wouldn't change the fact that his death is tragedy, but I would find a lot of comfort in this. 

[GATenn]

On 8/14/2023 at 12:55 PM, Cloud9Shopper said:

I just spent most of my lunch break on text with a crisis line volunteer. The majority of my last few days at work have been so shitty and it’s making me feel so suffocated and hopeless. It’s literally garbage to the point where I’m having to beg my boss to let me go to a doctor’s appointment because we had something blow up, but when I put in the request last week, the day off was available for me to ask for it. Like sorry but I shouldn’t have to pay for something that wasn’t my mistake. Plus the high volume of panic and calls we’re getting is almost trapping me. No motivation from management about how great we’re doing is helping me right now, especially as we’ve been told not to joke around and being asked to work a ton extra at the moment. (I don’t want to say where I work, obviously, but we don’t exactly work for FEMA or the Red Cross or a 911 center.) 

l have never really felt so hopeless at work to the point where I felt like I was on the brink. The volunteer I talked to was very kind and helpful at least. It just feels as if right now, life will never get better and I’ll never be able to get time off again. 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. We shouldn't have to beg our employers to treat us decently. Hugs.

[GATenn]

6 hours ago, StatisticalOutlier said:

It wouldn't change the fact that his death is tragedy, but I would find a lot of comfort in this. 

In most ways I do, but it also smacks of getting the rug pulled out from under him just as things were going well. 

[Cloud9Shopper]

6 hours ago, GATenn said:

I'm so sorry you're going through this. We shouldn't have to beg our employers to treat us decently. Hugs.

Thank you. It’s been a hard week, but I’m happy to say things turned around after I wrote my post and barring something unforeseen, I should be accepting a job offer early next week! I got one offer I’m kinda “meh” on so waiting to see if my top choice can pull through. But even the “meh” offer would get me out of the call center and back into my career field if I do decide to accept it. So fortunately my customer service days are numbered, but in a good way. 

I obviously won’t resign until all background checks are final, etc. but it’s going to be so satisfying to quit.

[Cloud9Shopper]

I am so sick of the number toxic positivity does on my mental health. I almost wish I could punch the next person who says to me “Comparison is the thief of joy,” which is an actual response I got today when I was discouraged about not getting a dream job and was feeling upset that my loved ones all have great jobs and successful careers while I can’t seem to land anything. I got one crappy offer that paid less than what I was making now and would require me to commute and buy work clothes on that lesser salary, not to mention I’d have to keep paying all my utilities and my groceries and other bills. Meanwhile it seems like everyone else gets jobs at these amazing companies and they get pay increases and are supported at their workplaces.

I mean, when I see that everyone else around me appears successful and is not experiencing things like not getting an offer after a reference check, of course I am going to compare. Of course I am going to ask myself what they did correctly and what I’m doing so wrong. Of course I will want what they have and want to find an employer who offers me a job with better pay and quality of life. Of course I will be envious that they had a little bit of luck too. But no. Instead I get told that I should be just joyful. It’s like my feelings don’t matter to anyone and people are more concerned about me destroying their “good vibes” on Discord rather than just letting me talk. I wish someone would support me and understand that I want and deserve a break too instead of hand waving it away and just telling me to be happier or say I shouldn’t talk about it. (My mom also thinks part of my life struggles is that I just need a companion to travel with or go to dinner with, but let’s not go into my dating life.)

And yeah it sucks at times knowing that in dating I have only ever attracted losers while my friends get to meet normal men who are crazy about them (in normal ways) and get nice weddings and get to brag about how in love they are. It can be annoying to me (I know someone who got married in July and she posted a pic of herself drinking Starbucks and made a note flaunting her ring) but it also sometimes sucks that they got lucky and found a good husband. Which yes even if they used dating apps, part of it is just right place, right time and being able to form that connection. It’s not all about who works the hardest to meet their husband. And I also know people who married their high school sweethearts or got fortunate enough to meet someone at a party and have things take off. So again, at least partial luck that their relationship thrived into adulthood and they loved each other through all the changes that brings. 

Edited September 6, 2023 by Cloud9Shopper

[PRgal]

@Cloud9Shopper, my dad thinks my anxiety stems from me being too regulated and avoiding certain foods.  He doesn't seem to understand that I can't do cereals/grains very well. As in I can't eat too much of it.  To him, I'm more or less rejecting my heritage.  He doesn't criticize me as much as my mom.  My mom has gotten worse since she lost some of her hearing.  She wears hearing aids, but they apparently don't work (they're "supposed" to be the best, so WTF?).  It's driving me crazy to the point that I'm now on meds.

[shapeshifter]

49 minutes ago, PRgal said:

He doesn't criticize me as much as my mom.  My mom has gotten worse since she lost some of her hearing.  She wears hearing aids, but they apparently don't work (they're "supposed" to be the best, so WTF?).  It's driving me crazy to the point that I'm now on meds.

Dad's hearing decreased over his 90 years until he was totally deaf without his $7,000 hearing aids, and only had 20% hearing with them. He became adept at lip reading, and they got one of those readers for the phone, so his ability to function was not as much of a downhill slope as his hearing was. 

All that to say: 
Dad was very judgmental of me when his hearing first started to go in his 50s.
The first time we visited after he got hearing aids brought a total change in his attitude. I guess he'd been assuming what I was saying was like my 16-year-old "male chauvinist pig" remarks. But he found out I was a mature (30-something) thinking adult.

So, IDK, @PRgal, where your Mom is at, and language/accents could be complicating her hearing issues. But it is both normal for her to be cranky and for her crankiness to cause you stress.
Hopefully you too will have some peaks of mutual understanding between the valleys of disconnect. ❤️

BTW, my hearing loss is now bugging my daughters.

[PRgal]

@shapeshifter I’m not sure either.  I know she lipreads but she can’t say(won’t say?) how much her hearing has gone.  She catches things from time to time, like how im having my son practice his reading with a reading app I recently learned about.  I mentioned that the book selection (it’s freemium - free to download but you have to purchase the books) is not that great for the beginner crowd since the target audience is more or less third and fourth graders.  I mentioned “chapter books” over and over she got upset at me because she didn’t understand that “chapter books” was code for “older kids.”  Or maybe it’s more cultural. 

[shapeshifter]

1 hour ago, PRgal said:

I mentioned “chapter books” over and over she got upset at me because she didn’t understand that “chapter books” was code for “older kids.”  Or maybe it’s more cultural. 

I'm guessing you didn't have a chapter book handy to show her as an example
— and wished you had.🧸

"Chapter books" is a term used mostly by a subset of educators within the larger Western cultural group.
A lot of Western grandparents have not heard the term if they weren't very involved with their child's education.
My son-in-law grew up in homes (Dad's and Mom's) without books.☹️
But my grandson now has 4 other grandparents besides me who buy him educational toys and take him to educational venues and exhibits.

And "chapter books" is a jargon term, IMO, with "jargon" having both meanings 1 and 2 from merriam-webster.com:
Note pretentious* 😉

Quote

jargon

1: the technical terminology or characteristic idiom of a special activity or group

     sports jargon

2: obscure and often pretentious language marked by circumlocutions and long words

     an academic essay filled with jargon

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/jargon

I think I first heard the term "chapter book" in a Children's Literature course, which was after my oldest was in high school, and after she and the middle one had read every children's book in the public library and the children's section of the community college library.

I love to use jargon-y terms because they do describe exactly what I mean, but I'm sure there are plenty of posts of mine that get ignored because of those words — either because the reader doesn't want to look them up, or because they look so f'in pretentious.🤭

So it's probably better that your Mom is expressing frustration rather than pretending to understand, because it means she does want to understand.

But it's also unpleasant to be on the receiving end of that frustration.🧸

[PRgal]

@shapeshifter  That's probably true, and why my mom (and these days, to a certain extent, my dad), has issues with how I eat and how I feed my family.  The terms "plant-based" or "plant-forward" is probably a lot more pretentious to them than plain ol' vegetarian or vegan.  Though my mom would go on about how she thinks there isn't enough protein/complete proteins (when I mention strict Buddhists, both my parents would go on about how they're typically not as active as I am...not necessarily true).  They, especially my mom, I think, are getting into the fake news stuff.  They read English fluently, but they also read and watch a lot of news targeting the Cantonese-speaking community.  Some aren't from reliable sources.  It's not as bad as when my grandmother was their age, I don't think.  At least my mom isn't spouting that Bermuda has the highest HIV rate in the world.  BERMUDA!!!!!

[Cloud9Shopper]

I keep wanting to quit (or just straight-up quit) hobbies, and I don’t know if it’s a mental health problem or just a general block or getting easily frustrated at myself. 

As an example, I quit ice skating last year when I stopped wanting to practice early on Saturday mornings (due to hockey being more popular, this is when we had ice time; it’s not something I could have fixed by asking for afternoon lessons, and ice time on other days and times was sporadic). I felt like I worked all week and wanted time to sleep in and relax. Plus my coach was leaving and I decided to not try and find another one. 

Right now I am thinking of quitting writing fanfiction. My stories don’t seem to be appreciated or well-liked and I don’t seem to fit into fandom communities. I don’t feel as if I want to continue when no one seems to like my writing and I have difficulty making friends in the community for whatever reason. At the same time, I know that as soon as I pressed that delete button on my fanfic account, I’d regret it. But I think it’s normal to want appreciation for my work and want friendships and I hate when people try to make me feel bad about wanting it. 

I also have meant to do so many things that I end up feeling too tired to do or put energy into, like learning how to decorate cookies or cakes. (I don’t want a business; that is strictly just for me and friends/family/charity.) 

I wish I could understand what was going on with me. I know they say not having interest in hobbies is a sign of depression but I otherwise feel OK, except for the fact that I’ve gained back almost all the weight I lost a few years ago because my job has been so miserable that I eat sugar to stay awake or eat out of boredom and stress and I’m panicked that I can’t get anything better. But that’s my fault. And it doesn’t help when nobody talks to you and you’re lucky to get an emoji response, if that. 

[shapeshifter]

53 minutes ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

I keep wanting to quit (or just straight-up quit) hobbies, and I don’t know if it’s a mental health problem or just a general block or getting easily frustrated at myself. 

As an example, I quit ice skating last year when I stopped wanting to practice early on Saturday mornings (due to hockey being more popular, this is when we had ice time; it’s not something I could have fixed by asking for afternoon lessons, and ice time on other days and times was sporadic). I felt like I worked all week and wanted time to sleep in and relax. Plus my coach was leaving and I decided to not try and find another one. 

Right now I am thinking of quitting writing fanfiction. My stories don’t seem to be appreciated or well-liked and I don’t seem to fit into fandom communities. I don’t feel as if I want to continue when no one seems to like my writing and I have difficulty making friends in the community for whatever reason. At the same time, I know that as soon as I pressed that delete button on my fanfic account, I’d regret it. But I think it’s normal to want appreciation for my work and want friendships and I hate when people try to make me feel bad about wanting it. 

I also have meant to do so many things that I end up feeling too tired to do or put energy into, like learning how to decorate cookies or cakes. (I don’t want a business; that is strictly just for me and friends/family/charity.) 

I wish I could understand what was going on with me. I know they say not having interest in hobbies is a sign of depression but I otherwise feel OK, except for the fact that I’ve gained back almost all the weight I lost a few years ago because my job has been so miserable that I eat sugar to stay awake or eat out of boredom and stress and I’m panicked that I can’t get anything better. But that’s my fault. And it doesn’t help when nobody talks to you and you’re lucky to get an emoji response, if that. 

If you’re not currently talking to a therapist, this sounds like a good time to do so.

I’ve left behind a number of hobbies in my life. The one I regret is playing music because it would take a lot at this point to get back into it since it requires relearning muscle memory and refurbishing instruments. 
Writing does not have those kinds of impediments to returning after a break — even one of decades. 

Maybe take a break from fanfic and join  a writing group or enroll in writing a course?

🧸

[Cloud9Shopper]

29 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

If you’re not currently talking to a therapist, this sounds like a good time to do so.

I’ve left behind a number of hobbies in my life. The one I regret is playing music because it would take a lot at this point to get back into it since it requires relearning muscle memory and refurbishing instruments. 
Writing does not have those kinds of impediments to returning after a break — even one of decades. 

Maybe take a break from fanfic and join  a writing group or enroll in writing a course?

🧸

I really don’t enjoy going to therapy but I feel like I will give in and go at this point. Hopefully I can find a decent therapist but at least these days there are so many virtual options that I’m not limited to my local area if I can’t get an appointment for ages. 

[isalicat]

On 9/18/2023 at 7:13 AM, Cloud9Shopper said:

I wish I could understand what was going on with me. I know they say not having interest in hobbies is a sign of depression but I otherwise feel OK, except for the fact that I’ve gained back almost all the weight I lost a few years ago because my job has been so miserable that I eat sugar to stay awake or eat out of boredom and stress and I’m panicked that I can’t get anything better. But that’s my fault. And it doesn’t help when nobody talks to you and you’re lucky to get an emoji response, if that. 

A few suggestions:

(1) I have no idea what the weather is where you are right now, but I would guess part of your mental condition is a lack of exercise. Since you gave up ice skating for understandable reasons, I would recommend regularly scheduled long brisk walks (or runs - I don't run as I'm allergic to it, but some people seem to like it). Being outside (without an electronic device, 'kay?) is very therapeutic on its own, particularly if you can find a place with lots of trees to be in. Look up! My son once saw a wise therapist who said that a lot of people constantly look at the ground when they walk and they entirely miss all the wonder that surrounds them.

(2) Find something to volunteer for - work at a food bank/pantry or volunteer at your local library as it fits your schedule, or something. Nothing will make you feel more positive than "giving back", even if it is only for a couple of hours a week. It also gets you out of thinking about your own situation.

(3) Ditch the sugar. Substitute fruit if you need something sweet (whatever fruit you like is better than anything with sugar/processed grain in it). Not for weight reasons (although you may lose weight) but because you are jacking up your insulin, and then experiencing the inevitable crash, rinse and repeat. This is not helpful for mental equilibrium.

[StatisticalOutlier]

On 9/18/2023 at 9:13 AM, Cloud9Shopper said:

My stories don’t seem to be appreciated or well-liked and I don’t seem to fit into fandom communities. I don’t feel as if I want to continue when no one seems to like my writing and I have difficulty making friends in the community for whatever reason.

From what I know of writers, they feel compelled to write, and do it even if they're not assured what they write will ever see the light of day, never mind reach an audience, never mind reach an approving audience.  And they often choose to toil in isolation.

It doesn't sound like you fit that profile, so choosing to step away from it for a while might give you a chance to evaluate your enjoyment of it.  If you do it for accolades, good luck--plenty of people are finding out what a horrible life it is to chase likes on the internet. 

Most people change as they get older.  I used to love skiing so much I couch-surfed for two different winters just so I could ski every day.  Then a few years later, I realized that if I never skied again, that would be okay with me.  I didn't see that coming. 

I've skied only very occasionally since then, always for just one day because it was convenient, and I had a good time but when I was finished that day, I'd think, "If this is the last day I ever ski, that's okay." 

It bugs me sometimes when I'm around people who really love it, because I miss loving it.  But I don't miss actually doing it nearly as much--if I did, I would make the effort to do it more often.

What changed?  I have no idea.  But I accept it and take action to make it as palatable as possible--for example, I don't live in a ski town because I don't want to surround myself with people who love skiing like I used to.  (Plus it's cold and I couldn't afford it anyway.)

Quote

At the same time, I know that as soon as I pressed that delete button on my fanfic account, I’d regret it.

I don't know how fanfic accounts work, but can you just not go on the site and turn off notifications or whatever?  That way you can avoid any possible regrets and you can feel empowered when you choose not to go on the site because you know you don't like the way it makes you feel.

2 hours ago, isalicat said:

Being outside (without an electronic device, 'kay?) is very therapeutic on its own, particularly if you can find a place with lots of trees to be in. Look up! My son once saw a wise therapist who said that a lot of people constantly look at the ground when they walk and they entirely miss all the wonder that surrounds them.

I've never been all that enthralled with scenery, and imagine my surprise when my sister said that an upcoming trip she was taking to Iceland probably wasn't a good fit because she likes towns rather than natural wonder type scenery.  I'm exactly the same way, yet we have three brothers who are keen appreciators of scenery.  What an odd thing to have in common with each other, and the opposite of the other siblings.  And probably most people in general.

I've never liked hiking; it just seems rather pointless.  When I was living in the mountains, people would say, "I'm going to go hike Bear Creek today" and I'd think, "Haven't you been there before?"

When Mr. Outlier and I were at Glacier National Park, he tricked me by telling me were going to walk to see a glacier.  The "walk" was on a foot trail up to a glacier over five miles away, plus the return.  He didn't use the word "hike" until it was over.  😀

I don't hate that we went.  But the most memorable part to me was when we walked through a bunch of mountain sheep, and the rams were butting each other with their horns.  It made the coolest sound. 

But the grandeur?  It was mountains, and I've seen lots of mountains.  In fact, I've seen Mount Denali but I can't remember if it was shrouded in clouds like it usually is, or if we got lucky.  Fortunately, it doesn't really make any difference to me one way or the other--there are plenty of beautiful photos I can look at if so inclined.

Even if groundwatchers accept their lot, you should still feel sorry for us--we used to have a big advantage because we were the ones who were always finding money on the ground, but now that nobody carries money any more, the only thing we see is those god damn plastic tooth-flosser things everywhere. 

[RealHousewife]

Anyone go through phases when a compliment makes you want to cry? What is that about? They're supposed to make us feel good, but sometimes the last thing I want to hear is that I'm beautiful or have everything. Instead of feeling good about myself, they almost make me want to focus on all my flaws and things I hate about myself. :(

[shapeshifter]

6 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

Anyone go through phases when a compliment makes you want to cry? What is that about? They're supposed to make us feel good, but sometimes the last thing I want to hear is that I'm beautiful or have everything. Instead of feeling good about myself, they almost make me want to focus on all my flaws and things I hate about myself. :(

I rarely cry (a separate topic).
But, yeah, I am just now at age 70 learning to accept a compliment.

But, @RealHousewife, are you saying this is something new for you?

In my case, I think my inability to accept compliments stemmed from growing up with an intense amount of unchecked sibling rivalry — so being complimented meant someone would  resent me for being better at something than they were.

Edited September 27, 2023 by shapeshifter

[stewedsquash]

@shapeshifter I understand and have that sentiment/reaction but in my case it was my mother not siblings. I also rarely cry. Even when I probably should cry so I get that also. 

[RealHousewife]

2 hours ago, stewedsquash said:

@shapeshifter I understand and have that sentiment/reaction but in my case it was my mother not siblings. I also rarely cry. Even when I probably should cry so I get that also. 

Whenever I feel down on myself, it can be hard to hear a compliment.