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The Quotes Topic: Blood Pressure Is Zero Over Zero. Perfect!

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1x09

"You're not a squid, you're a boy who smells like a baby."

"I thought you didn't hear that."

"Of course I heard it."

 

"I've stopped sleeping. Every time I close my eyes, I see Dan calling to me."

"Oh Jesus Eric. I'm so sorry."

"No I'm just messing with you. Dan was an awful man and I'm glad he's gone."

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Joel: Act casual. We say we came across this murder site and we're just cleaning it up.
Sheila: Who cleans up murder sites?
Joel: I don't know. We're Mormons.
Sheila: Mormons don't clean up murder sites.
Joel: Mormons are helpful.

Eric: The less time spent at a crime scene, the better.
Joel: What do you know about it?
Eric: My step-dad's a cop and I enjoy the internet.

Joel: It'd be great if we didn't talk about Gary's balls anymore.

Eric: [Bunchen] has a master's in art history and he lives with his mom so....he's pretty angry.

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Sarah: Look at what Cole got me for our three month anniversary. Such a sweet boy.
Abby: He's not a boy, Sarah. I mean, he's a 26 year old drug dealer who drives a car that says, "Ask me about my tiny dick."

Abby: It's not your job to make me happy.
Eric: It sounds like it was and I just got fired.

Sarah: He broke up with me. He didn't even get out of his car AND he took my quesadilla!

Sheila: Sometimes your pot smoking bugs me.
Joel: Well, I don't like that you're gong to be killing and eating people so we both have things that bug us. And by the way, they're legalizing my thing.

Joel: [Cole] didn't know Sarah was 16 and he was helping his divorced sister.
Sheila: First of all, every creep who dated a teenager "didn't know."

Abby: Your stepdad may be a dick but he has really cool toys.
Eric: Finally his right wing paranoia pays off.

Eric: Maybe [Cole] didn't know how old [Sarah] was?
Abby: What did he think she was doing every day between 8:00 and 3:30? At the high school where he picked her up.

Joel: Porsche guy was from Nevada. He owned a strip club and a waste management company.
Sheila: Oh, nothing sketchy there. Any family photos [in his wallet]?
Joel: Nope. I found pictures of a few women but they were taken from inside a toilet so probably not serious relationships.

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Lisa: I gotta get ready for work. I gotta drive out to Riverside today. Might as well be Mars except it's hotter, there's less air, food's not as good, less culture, and it's further from my house. Fuck me.

Julia: We need to find someone who speaks Serbian.
Joel: Yeah, in Santa Clarita, which just got its first Indian restaurant.

Abby: It all just seems to meaningless. Seriously, trigonometry? What does that matter?
Joel: Trigonometry matters a lot. There are triangles in everything - pizza, triangles. Not the shape - the musical instrument.

Joel: Sometimes I went into the woods and yelled at birds. We didn't have money for a therapist and yelling at people was Grandma Jenny's thing.

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Eric: Personally, I don't mind when my mom lies to me. I just wish she did it better. She claims she started a new spin class but really she's having an affair with a guy named Bob. She accidentally linked her cell phone to my computer so I can see all of her texts. Today Bob copied and pasted all of the lyrics to Stevie Wonder's "Part Time Lover" which seems lazy and on the nose.

Lisa: Put it away, I'm coming in! Oh, Abby, I didn't know you were here.
Eric: Jesus, mom.
Lisa: Oh, calm down. Everybody does it, even your own mother. You guys want some waffles?
Eric: Yeah, Abby, my mom masturbated, then made waffles. Does that make you hungry?

Joel: So I got a cop question for you. Can you run a search on a guy with just a first name and an expired email address?
Rick: This guy fucking Sheila?
Joel: What? No. Why would you say that?
Rick: Two reasons people ask a cop to find somebody - wife fucking or because they found a wallet and they want to return it, which is usually an excuse to find a wife fucker.

Dan: I just want to be friends.
Joel: Fine, we're friends. Let's get slurpees and go to Magic Mountain.

Joel: I don't want to be Dan's hired assassin. I'm just settling into being a real estate broker who kills people.

Joel: I went to the gym, I misplaced my phone, and then Dan asked me to murder a murderer!

Joel: Loki Hayes - larceny, arson, homicide, homicide, homicide, homicide, impersonating a forest ranger.

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Joel: Excuse me, I gotta go lie to a cop and tell him I murdered somebody so I don't get in trouble.

Dan What kind of a name is Loki anyway?
Joel: I didn't ask before I fucking killed him. But I'm pretty sure Loki's the trickster god from Norse mythology. I took a class in junior college on folk and fables. Credits didn't transfer but it's paying off now.

Eric: [Dan]'s got a closet full of illegal shit but he chews me out for riding my bike on the sidewalk.

Eric: I'm not doing cocaine, Abby. I just have a feeling I would be unbearable.

Abby: Now let's buy you that stick.
Eric: First of all, Groot's not a stick. He's a plant that believes in the power of community.

Eric: You're an evil genius.
Abby: According to my SAT scores, I'm just evil, but thank you.

Joel: How was your night with the sex trafficker? A question I never thought I'd ask my wife.

Joel: No more doing things separately. From now on, we fuck everything up together.

Joel: I knocked on your door. No one answered.
Dan: So you trespassed. I could shoot you.

Dan: I'll just plant some evidence. I'm an LA Sheriff's deputy. It's literally what we do.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Alondra: I love the beach. It's so peaceful. When I was a little girl, we'd go there and fly kites.
[Sheila looks out the window and sees Joel throwing Dan's dead body over the fence]
Sheila: Oh, FUCK!
[Alondra looks startled]
Sheila: I fucking love kites. In the fucking sky amongst the fucking clouds.
Alondra: Boy, you're unusually passionate about kites. That's awesome! How have we never talked about this? Do you prefer single line or double?

Joel: I love coffee. Think about it. It's a bean that you drink.
Sheila: Are you high?

Sheila: You really want to criticize my decision making in front of our neighbor who you just killed with a shovel?
Joel: Yes.

Joel: I can't believe you eat this.
Sheila: You eat meat, even after we saw that slaughterhouse documentary.
Joel: I cut out veal and I limited bacon to the weekends. That's all I can do.

Sheila: Fucking top-heavy Dan and his narcing butthole!

Abby: You guys don't let me see The Godfather until I'm 15 but you fucking kill Dan and leave him in the bathtub for me to find?

Lisa: I'm sure Dan is fine. He's probably just in the desert shooting owls or at the beach shooting starfish or maybe at that strip club that has the bacon he likes.
Joel: He's a man of many interests.

Eric: You were right about one thing, Dan. I won't be having sex in your lifetime.

Eric: There was never a moment I wasn't scared of you. But when I see you like this, I realize you're just a small sad man. And who knows? Maybe you treated me so badly because someone else did the same thing to you.
Abby: Wow, that's really sweet.
Eric: I'm not done. Still - you can suck my dick.

Anne: Mind if I grab a soda?
Joel: Sorry, we don't drink soda in this family - only milk.
Anne: You're bringing milk to the beach?
Joel: Well, they don't have it there.

Rick: This is the best goddamn day ever. We should get high and go to Magic Mountain.

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Sheila: Nothing says, "We didn't kill your husband," like freshly baked brownies.

Sheila: Does this hat make me look like The Edge?
Joel: No. Wait, yes. What do you want to hear?

Loki: I made a deal with my old gang. If they need to get rid of a body, they leave it in my van in the Magic Mountain parking lot. By the way, that's like the third sketchiest thing happening in that parking lot.

Abby: [Travis]'s cold. Should we call the police?
Eric: Here's my perspective on that - we hired a guy who does illegal stuff to fix a bike that we're not legally allowed to ride with money I stole from a corrupt cop whose body is in your parents' freezer. So...no.

Abby: I'm just thinking - my mom eats people and this is a person.
Eric: Those are both true statements but I don't like the way you're connecting them.

Sheila: Wow, a box full of feet. I only needed the one toe but you got me a literal foot locker.

Loki: I know a doctor who can sew [the replacement toe] on you. All he'll want is some cocaine and a handwritten thank you note.

Sheila: Okay, get ready to have whatever the opposite of a boner is.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Joel: I know a lot of this seems improbable but I never thought I'd be making a Snapple cap sound with my wife's eyeball.

Joel: How hard can it be for me to convince a nervous paranoid recluse to show me his most prized possession?

Lisa: Eric, you have a gentleman caller.
Eric: Mom, you don't have to sexualize everything.

Joel: So any news about finding your stepdad?
Eric: You mean since you killed him?
Joel: Oh. That's a thing that you know.
Eric: Abby told me.
Joel: I'm really sorry, Eric. He kept pushing me and pushing me and I just snapped.
Eric: Hey, it could happen to - well, "anybody" is probably too broad of a category when talking about murdering someone with a shovel.
Joel: I am not a murderer.
[Eric gives him a look]
Joel: Okay, technically I am. Not even technically. Literally. But I refuse to be defined by the one time I murdered somebody!

Eric: Do you know how to fold a hoodie?
Joel: Yeah. The secret is not to give a shit. And I hang mine in the closet.

Eric: Once you get food more than three feet long, it's more about structural integrity than flavor.

Anton: If you believe that, I got a Japanese sex doll to sell you - unused.

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Eric: Kanye says never to apologize for your creative choices.

Sheila: We can make a game out of it, like Fuck, Marry, Kill.
Joel: Which is something we stopped playing twenty years ago when you chose not to kill or marry my brother.
Sheila: Yeah, well, I wasn't going to fuck the Charmin guy or the Unabomber.

Sheila: You would kill me with a bat and bash my brains in? That is so angry. Where is that coming from?
Joel: I don't know. That's how they kill the undead in movies.
Sheila: Yeah, but I'm your wife. You love me.
Joel: Okay, what's the right answer?
Sheila: You kiss me on the lips and then place a silk pillow over my face and shoot me through the temple with a pearl handled revolver.
Joel: You still end up in the same place.
Sheila, Yeah, but my way is romantic. Your way is how a gangster kills a stool pigeon.

Cora: You're trying to trick me. I hate that. It's why I will not go to magic shows.

Cora: Have you shown any signs of unprovoked aggression?
Sheila: Unprovoked? No. Everyone I killed had it coming.

Cora: [Joel] seems a little angry.
Sheila: I know, right? His plan B is to bash my brains in with a baseball bat.
Cora: I wouldn't even do that to the rats. If I have to put them down, I dim the lights. play Mozart, get them high on nitrous oxide, and then drive a tiny mint-flavored toothpick into their brains.
Sheila: You see? I've known you, what, five minutes and already I'd rather have you kill me.

Joel: We are not taking [Baka] to Magic Mountain.
Sheila: People throw up on those roller coasters all the time!
Joel: How are we supposed to collect her vomit? Strap a bucket to her face like a horse?

Baka: American women only good at one thing - boo hoo about sex with boss.

Joel: What WON'T we do?
Sheila: I don't wear fur and I won't eat people's buttholes..
Joel: Yeah, we're great. They should name a street after us.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo · Reason: Missing a word

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Joel "We have a hummingbird feeder in our garden and we kill people. I'm just saying, you can't always judge a person by their aviary accessories."

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1 minute ago, Mindthinkr said:

“....pulling out intestines like they are scarves” 

It was the delivery that made that line so great.

Eric "It's only money and everyone with money says money's not important."

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Joel: I've been here 17 hours. I have to get home. 
Ron: Me too, man. 
Joel: No, but I really do.
Ron: Are you saying my situation isn't also urgent?
Joel: No, Ron. I'm sure you have to get to your apartment before the asparagus people come back.
Ron: They're not asparagus people, Joel. They pronounce it oz-para-gauze. And they are certainly not people. If they were, I wouldn't have to seal my ears with peanut butter at night just to keep them from infiltrating my brain. They're so intrusive. And their music.
Joel: I'm thinking this isn't your first time here.

Eric: "Are you Serbian? Do you want to make a $130 just for throwing up? You know you do. Send copy of birth certificate. No dick pics, please."
Abby: Yeah, I had to add that cause apparently it wasn't obvious? But honestly, it just made people more creative.

Abby: Maybe we should check on her. 
Eric: I really don't want to do that.
Abby: She's chained up.
Eric: I will bet every time someone has said that about the undead, it has never ended well.

Sheila: Come on, you can come with me. I'll even wear handcuffs.
Eric: I don't have handcuffs.
Sheila: My bedroom, bottom drawer. Don't touch anything else. Go. 
Eric: Wait, really? You have handcuffs?
Sheila: We recently discovered how intense sex is if your lover orgasms while you - how much of this do you want to hear? 
Eric: Less than that.

Joel: I purchased a foot here two weeks ago. 
Barton: Yeah, sure, I remember. How'd that work out for you? 
Joel: Excellent. Thank you. I'm looking for something very specific.
Barton: I have a vagina I can sell you for 500. It's a little past its best used by date, but it'll get 'er done.
Joel: Dear God! Who comes here?
Barton: Brace yourself. Mostly men.
Joel: I need a fresh gallbladder, but it has to be from someone who's Serbian.
Barton: God, what are you into? I love it. Come on in. Let's take a look around, you sick fuck.

Goran: Here is your vomit, milady. I take PayPal, Venmo, Bitcoin.
Abby: I have cash. 
Goran: Oh, how very retro. I produced a bit extra if you'd like to top it off. 
Abby: No, I'm good. 
Goran: Would you like to stay for a chocolat? 
Abby: Not in a million years.
Goran: Maybe you'd prefer something salty then. I can get very sweaty.
Abby: I'm going. I just wanted your vomit. Why'd you have to make it weird?

Joel: I had such a good day at the asylum.

Joel: When I was at the asylum -
Abby: Don't say asylum. It sounds like they sent you to the 19th century.
Joel: Okay. When I was at the time-out resort, I had a roommate, Ron.

Abby: Mom brought us food!
Joel: She even got me a shrimp cocktail. 
Abby: She's the best. 
Joel: She really is. 
Abby: I hope we never have to kill her.

Ramona: Is [Abby] your girlfriend?
Eric: No. I'm as single as a hummingbird moth at the end of June. They mate at the beginning of June. I like science. And moths.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Sheila: Oh, my God, you can run and poop. That's so cool.

Sheila: So I took the container with Serbian guy back to the storage unit. And then I destroyed his phone and then buried his clothes in the desert. Look at me - I'm becoming a morning person!
Joel: If this helps you be less murdery, that's great. My concern is if someone sees you running around snatching rabbits like a coyote in yoga pants, they might ask questions like "What the fuck is that?"

Eric: Do you have [Goran]'s cell phone? 
Abby: No, my mom destroyed it. 
Eric: Shit! He didn't mention his password before your mom killed him?
Abby: Unless it was, "Ah! Oh, my God! Why?" then, no.

Eric: Maybe we should tell your parents.
Abby: I don't do that anymore.

Carl: [Gary] could sell farts to an asshole.

Eric: Are you sure [Goran] lived alone?
Abby: He sold vomit on the internet. I'm pretty sure there's not a Mrs. Right.

Abby: My mom loves fingers, but she says thumbs are like the ends of bread, so maybe we'll get lucky.

Sheila: What a douchey move! We should do that.

Joel: We've known Chris and Christa since high school. Chris is a few years older, but we graduated at the same time. I'll let you do the math. Because he couldn't.

Sheila: Both ways are correct.
Christa: That's not true. One way is correct and the other is profoundly ignorant.

Sheila: Listen, bitch. You keep talking shit about us and I swear to God, I will drop you.
Christa: Try it and I'll kick your twat so far up your throat you'll get pregnant giving blowjobs.

Joel: What are we gonna do about Chris and Christa?
Sheila: We could kill them.
Joel: We can't solve all our problems with murder. 
Sheila: How about just this problem? 
Joel: No. We're not killing them.
Sheila: Right. We could kill one of them.
Joel: That'd be a tough call. They're both such dicks. No, we have to do something that doesn't involve murder. Boy, if you take killing off the table, we really don't have a lot of moves. 

Abby: I don't need life advice from people who were plotting a kidnapping.

Abby: Hey, you should go out with Ramona. I don't want to be the girl who holds a friend back because they have a three percent chance of winding up together. And I like her. I want you to be happy. 
Eric: Did you say a three percent chance?
Abby: Really? That's all you heard?

Paul: Who are you?
Abby: Who are you?
Paul: We're friends of Goran.
Abby: So are we. Why are you wearing gloves?
Marsha: Why are you wearing gloves?
Eric: We're teen hand models. And we have to protect our assets from sun damage. Right, Charlotte? 
Abby: That's right, Hank. And you?
Paul: We're wearing gloves because we're janitors on our way to our janitor jobs.
Marsha: Yeah. And we hate changing there.
Abby: Well, we're off to a photo shoot with a watch company, and as I'm sure you can imagine, they are very punctual.

Eric: Don't forget you have a defrosted thumb in your pocket.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Gary: Okay, confirm a theory I'm working on. Am I a severed head?

Joel: You can't live like this, so I guess we have to kill you?
Gary: Are you asking me?
Joel: No, I was trailing off because it's uncomfortable.

Gary: There's something I want you to do for me before I die, something incredibly important. 
Joel: Really? You want us to do you a favor? 
Gary: You buried me alive.
Sheila: Not knowingly.

Gary: Hey, can I be in the living room? It's kind of spooky down here.
Joel: The only reason it's spooky down here is because you're down here. We could put you in a garden of lollipops and it would still be spooky.

Gary: There was only one thing I ever did I was proud of. I always took care of my niece, Kayla. She's had a lot of bad breaks, but I was the one person in her life who always made sure she and her baby had food to eat, a roof over their heads.
Sheila: That's really nice.
Joel: He assaulted you. He's a creep.
Gary: People can be more than one thing, Joel.

Sheila: I think being separated from your penis has made you a better man.
Gary: Maybe. It certainly has given me more free time.

Sheila: You were wondering if we were bad people. But only good people would do a favor for the severed head of their victim.
Joel: I think at best, we're in a moral gray area.

Joel: I also haven't written a restaurant review for Yelp in a long time and my followers rely on me. Elite status is a privilege and a burden.
Sheila: Yeah, I was kind of hoping that Yelp thing would die with me. But I know it's important to you so I pretend I care.

Sheila: We can't let her find Gary's head.
Joel: I know. I'm not worried about her being shocked. I'm just tired of her criticizing us.

Eric: You know, I still feel bad you didn't eat anything. Was Panda Express a bad choice for a first date? 
Ramona: Yes.

Ramona: There are a million things I want to do to you.
Eric: There's a million things I've had done to me. But I did all of them myself. Actually, it's just one thing a million times.

Eric: Stay calm, Eric. Dumber people than you do this successfully all the time.

Sheila: I'm sorry that we're not gonna make it back in time for your hair appointment.
Joel: It's all right. It's not your fault. There was traffic on the 405. I just don't understand why people slow down to look at a mattress.
Sheila: Well, it was brand new and it had a cowboy boot next to it. It invites questions.

Kayla: I always thought that [Uncle Gary] would just grope the wrong woman one day and she'd kill him.

Joel: The cherry wood I wanted is on sale, and it's a very fast moving wood. I guess we could just get pine, the Toyota Camry of the forest.

Sheila: Maybe [Kayla's ex-boyfriend]'s not so bad. He has a bird bath. He's inviting birds to come and play on his front lawn.
Joel: We have a hummingbird feeder and we kill people. I'm just saying, you can't always judge a person by their aviary accessories.

Sheila: By 8pm, you are going to be balls deep in bok choy.

Eric: It'll take a few minutes to prepare the serum. Why don't you have a seat right here and relax?
Ramona: You'd make a really good receptionist at a medical or dental office.
Eric: Thank you. And your calm and dispassionate demeanor would make you a wonderful 911 operator.

Eric: Hey, isn't Ramona great? I was so worried my first time would be with my cousin, Sophie. She gives such good massages. But now instead of doing something creepy and desperate -
Abby: You're having sex with a dead woman. 
Eric: Undead. You know, I always thought my obsession with the supernatural would hurt my chances with girls, but really it was just preparing me for my deflowering. 
Abby: Why stop there? Maybe you could have a threesome with a mermaid and a hobbit.
Eric: Are you okay? You seem a little hostile.
Abby: I'm fine. Let's just finish this serum so your girlfriend's head doesn't fall off when you're porking her.
Eric: Well, for your information, I recently found out I'm a gentle, giving lover.

Boone: Hey, you guys like fun, right? There's a funeral down the street for a gay Jew lady doctor. You want to go shout stuff at her colored foster kids?

Ramona: See ya later, alligator. Or maybe never again, crocodile.

Sheila: Now that we've dealt with Kayla, we have to kill Gary's head tomorrow. 
Joel: That's right. How should we do that?
Sheila: Well, the weather has been great. Something outside would be nice.
Joel: We could take him to Pike's Ridge. Set him on that boulder overlooking the valley, tell him a joke, and while he's laughing, drive an ice pick through his brain.
Sheila: Oh, that's good. I was thinking we'd count to three, but then do it on two. But your way is better.

Joel: I know we have to kill Gary now, but how great would it be to put him out for Halloween. 
Sheila: Omigawd! And we could make the Andersons' corn maze look like the bullshit that it is.  

Joel and Sheila's pseudonyms:
We're John and Wendy Darling.
I'm Hume Cronyn and this is my wife, Jessica Tandy.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Joel: I've broken ground on our bookshelves. And I got the last of the cherry wood at the lumber yard. Met a guy in the parking lot who offered to build them for 50 bucks, but I said, "No, sir, I need to do this myself, and you are not wearing shoes." I'm thinking about this for the design.
Sheila: Those are the bookshelves in the Nazi's house. You wanna build Nazi bookshelves? 
Joel: The bookshelves weren't Nazis. If anything, those shelves were Nazi-occupied.

Sheila: So you want to take a break and go kill Gary?
Joel: I could take a break.

Sheila: So we have a few thoughts on your departure.
Joel: There's a beautiful overlook at the top of Pike's Ridge that we sometimes hike to.
Sheila: Yeah, we could lay you down in a meadow of wildflowers.
Joel: And as the butterflies say goodbye to the morning dew -
Sheila: So, too, will we say farewell to Gary West. 
Gary: Yeah, I don't wanna do that. 
Joel: Well, we know you also like porn.
Sheila: You could watch a few girls go at it for a while, and we could shoot you in the back of the head.
Joel: There are no wrong choices.

Sheila: How do you have so much testosterone without balls?
Gary: She asked you a question, Joel.

Joel: Ramona? Rite Aid girl is undead? How's that even possible? Did you bite her? 
Sheila: No! I don't just run around biting people.

Abby: Can I ask one question about the head in our basement?
Joel: Sure. 
Abby: WHAT THE FUCK?
Sheila: Well, Gary was the first person I sampled, and we didn't know we had to kill the brain.
Abby: Destroying the brain is literally the one thing that everybody knows about the undead.
Joel: You were there when we buried him! I didn't see you picking up a stake!

Joel: Maybe we make Gary's life so unpleasant he wants to die.
Sheila: Well, we already took his body away. What are we gonna do? Stop brushing his teeth?
Joel: You brushed his teeth?
Sheila: We don't want that hole in his cheek to get any bigger. Anyway, I'm sorry you didn't get back to your bookshelves. I could've talked to Ramona myself. 
Joel: No, I should be here. Besides, if this is the rise of the undead and the end of humankind, we may not need bookshelves. 
Sheila: Yeah, well, I'll still want to read.

Abby: So my parents freaked out when I told them about [Ramona]. They're going to her apartment.
Eric: Really? To tell her she never should've dumped me?
Abby: Sure.
Eric: I love your parents. Your dad's the best.

Sarah: Abby, you're here. Thank God. There is a crisis. Cindy tore her shorts while twerking to win this bet and now she has nothing to wear to gym. And Talia definitely has an extra pair but she is being a total cunt about it.

Sheila: You were an auctioneer?
Joel: Why? Did you go to an auction?
Sheila: No, it's just really hard to picture.
Ramona: I had a natural gift for it. The high energy, the rapid-fire musicality of the presentation. It was very exciting. I hated it. I always dreamed of being a slower, duller person, but was never brave enough to make it happen until now.

Joel: What the fuckity fuck is that?
Sheila: Your ball grew legs?
Ramona: I left it on a counter for a few days and when I came back, it had legs. I call it Mr. Ball Legs.

Sarah: So Janie and Christian got into a fight at Meghan with an H's party, right? And then he breaks up with her in front of everyone. And then he hooks up with Chess Club Megan in the media room.

Joel: There's got to be something in this Serbian book. You'd think spider monsters would be worthy of their own chapter.

Sheila: What are we going to do about Ramona? We can't have her leaving bodies around.
Joel: I know. Do you think we'll have to...
Sheila: I don't want to kill her.
Joel: Good. Me, neither.
Sheila: She's, like, Abby's age.
Joel: Plus she's the only one at that drugstore who gives a damn about customer satisfaction.
Sheila: Maybe we could teach her. We could have her tag along when we go kill our first Nazi.
Joel: I don't know, honey. We've got a lot on our plate. I don't want to be opening up a finishing school for the undead.

Sheila: That knight has Mr. Ball Legs on his shield.
Joel: What does it mean? 
Sheila: I don't know. Is he a knight that fights the undead? 
Joel: Or is he an undead knight?
Sheila and Joel: Whoa.
Joel: Either way, it's terrifying. I realize it's not their fault, but fucking Serbia! Other than tennis players, has anything good come out of that country?

Joel: We know, Abby, we're bad at everything because we're your parents.
Abby: No, it's because prior to this, you led a mindlessly happy suburban existence, which left you fundamentally unprepared to deal with the life and death decisions that now plague your every waking moment. 
Joel: Jesus. 
Sheila: Don't listen to her.

Joel: Damn it! All we have is tomato soup. You can't serve tomato soup with lasagna. It's just not done!

Gary: Sure, Sheila's got a lot going on. Her life's always gonna be bigger than yours. It's like being married to the Queen of England.
Joel: It's not exactly like that. 
Gary: You got two ways of looking at it. Either it's "My needs are always gonna come second" or "Jesus Christ, I'm fucking the Queen of England!" Appreciate what you have, buddy. Stop trying to turn it into something it's never going to be.

Eric: Ramona's back in my life forever! In fact, Ramona here wants me to go later with her to kill someone. She said she wants me to be her Joel. Does that ring any bells for anyone? Joel? 
Joel: No. We just went over today and told her she has to be more careful.
Sheila: Yeah, and that we realize how much harder she has it because she's all alone.
Joel: And doesn't have anyone to help her clean up and carry bodies like I do for Sheila. Okay, I see what happened. 
Sheila: I hear it too.

Joel: It felt good not to kill Ramona. I like not killing people. I've always liked it. I just forgot how much.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Sheila: Boone may be a Nazi, but he's very kind to birds.

Joel: Do you see a way for us to get the body out?
Sheila: Well, it's going to be tough. There's no alley, there's a lot of foot traffic, and there's a 7-Eleven on the corner, so night's not going to be any better.
Joel: Killing people is hard. I used to think that was a good thing.

Rick: Hey, you want to smoke a little? Get the creative juices going. It's been a while.
Joel: No, I gotta stay focused. If we get high, we'll just end up designing sneakers again.
Rick: Okay, what is going on with you? You don't want to smoke, you were in the hospital, now you're writing a good review for a place you once called "thunderously mundane."

Joel: I told you you shouldn't be friends with a cop. It's too dangerous.
Sheila: Said by the man who was just wrapped in a warm embrace with a cop.
Joel: That's different. Anne is an intense and ambitious sheriff's deputy. Rick joined the Santa Monica Police so he could ride a horse on the beach.

Sheila: Now that Anne is looking into things, we need to rethink our whole operation.
Joel: I agree. We have been erring on the side of incompetence, some of us more than others.

Abby: Bobby Ramirez says a lot of weird stuff since he got hit with that smart car.

Sheila: I just heard from Boone. He got the flyer. It worked! He's gonna swing by the storage unit at 4:00. It's happening, baby. We're going premeditated. We're going pre-med.
Joel: Yay, first-degree. It's kind of ironic. The more care you put into a murder, the harsher society judges you.

Sheila: "I'm sorry but" is not an apology.

Eric: I was trying to channel the swagger of Eddie Redmayne in The Theory of Everything before he got Lou Gehrig's Disease.

Joel: I said I was sorry about Ron. 
Sheila: No. You said, "I'm sorry, but." That's not an apology, that's a rationalization. Here's a way to remember it - inside of every "but" is an asshole.

Sheila: I think our kill room looks too much like a kill room.
Joel: Yeah. Feels like we copied it from a kill room catalogue.

Joel: What if we tell them that's Hitler's fruit basket and Goebbels' fern?

Sheila: Come on, these guys are Nazis. We still have the moral high ground.
Joel: What if one of the Nazis is in a wheelchair?
Sheila: God, I hope that's an oddly timed philosophical question.
Joel: No. Boone's buddy is in a wheelchair.
Sheila: Did this just get easier or harder?
Joel: I don't know. Killing someone in a wheelchair might be a hate crime.
Sheila: Well, these are Nazis. They invented hate crimes.
Joel: Still, killing him feels discriminatory.
Sheila: Or is it discriminatory not to kill him? He wouldn't want to be treated unequally because he's disabled.
Joel: Or would he want that because then he would be alive?
Sheila: I guess if we're on the fence, we shouldn't do it.
Joel: Yeah, let's get them out of here then go read up on moral relativism.

Paul: Ron, if you don't give us something useful, I will personally ban you from the paranormal subreddit.
Marsha: That's right. You won't be able to post. You won't be able to upvote or downvote. It'll be like you're dead.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Abby: Going through all these Japopo's receipts is making me hungry. Can we go there tonight?
Joel: They may have killed your mother, so no. Also, the food's not great.

Abby: Hey, if I ask you a boy question, will you promise not to be weird? 
Joel: I promise.
Abby: There's this guy at school, Sven.
Joel: You can do better. Okay, starting now.
Abby: He asked me out so we're getting coffee today. Do I tell Eric, who likes me and may be really hurt? Or do I not tell him which feels like I'm hiding it because Sven is hot and spent a summer in Greece playing guitar?
Joel: Well, let me ask you a question. Does Sven know your mother and I are constantly looking for people to kill?
Abby: Dad.
Joel: Okay. Eric is your friend, and it's gonna hurt him a lot more if he finds out from someone else so you should tell him.
Abby: Thanks, Dad. That was uncharacteristically good parenting.
Joel: Couldn't just let me have the straight win, huh?
Abby: I feel like I gave you enough.

Abby: Colonel Ed Thune. We googled him. He's single, retired, and he thinks that a profile picture is literally a profile.

Sheila: Who's Sven?
Joel: Just a boy who's gonna break Eric's heart.

Sheila: We both have really good arguments. 
Joel: I don't think we both do.

Sheila: I'm just going to act like old Sheila, who's demure and chipper and never had an orgasm while eating a man's liver. Judging by your look, I haven't mentioned that before.
Joel: No, you have. I just never know what to say.

Anne: Hey, uh, Joel, you're a pretty good dancer, right? 
Joel: No. Who told you that? 
Anne: You did.

Eric: Do you know what a ghillie suit is? 
Abby: Assume I don't.

Eric: If life has taught me anything, it's that human emotion is all about fairness.
Abby: Well, thank you for trying and failing to be cool.
Eric: That's kind of my jiggity jam.

Eric: We thought my grandma had irritable bowel. Turns out she was just what her pharmacist called a grumpy pooper.

Thune: You said Barbara might be sick. I want to get you her number. I'll bet you it's in the basement. Let's go to my basement.
Joel: I'm not going to your basement. I have a problem with stairs. Extreme vertigo. I faint if I look directly into the washing machine.
Thune: I get it. "Let's go to my basement" did sound kinda creepy. It's just that's where my office is. I just redid it. You should come take a look. I'm doing it again.

Carl: I love the hair, by the way. You look like an attainable Jessica Rabbit.

Thune: Why were you rummaging through my freezer, Martin?
Joel: I was just looking for ice cream to put on my Danish.

Abby: I got Sven to take me to the fracking site. He has this really fancy camera, so we didn't need to get too close. The guards thought we were just teenagers taking pictures of each other, you know, before we banged it out on the hood of his Mazda. 
Eric: What? Oh, okay. Payback.
Abby: Anyway, look at this fence. Right there, there's a tree. You could easily throw a blanket on that barbed wire, and we're in. And this billboard can be seen from the highway. That's where we make our statement.
Eric: Wow. We're really gonna do this?
Abby: I want to do it. Are you in? 
Eric: I am in.
Abby: Huh, this is the exact conversation I had with Sven on the hood of his car.

Joel: Anne, I was discussing a private seafood matter with my wife.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Joel: Is this your toe?
Sheila: I didn't wanna throw it out.
Joel: Well, it shouldn't be in the junk drawer. It should be...well, I guess we can put it back in here for now.

Sheila: Whoa, I can lose parts and reattach them. I'm like a snowman.
Joel: Our lives just keep getting better and better.

Joel: So what's the plan?
Sheila: We have all the information, but she doesn't know that so for once, we're one step ahead.
Joel: Finally!
Sheila: I say we go in, ask her about school, and give her the chance to talk about the tray thing.
Joel: Smart.
Abby: I can hear you.
Joel: Shit.
Sheila: Fuck. Abby, are you in there? 
Joel: If so, your mother and I would like to talk to you.
Abby: Omigawd. Come in. Guys, I have some unprompted honesty I'd love to share with you. I hit someone with a tray.
Joel: Well, now we know. What we don't know is what you were thinking.
Abby: He was being a dick to his ex-girlfriend online.
Sheila: Well, people can be jerks, Abby. But unless they come at you with a knife, you can't attack them like that.
Abby: Mom, you kill and eat people.
Sheila: I kill and eat people because I have to.
Abby: I hit him with a tray because I had to.
Joel: Your mother has a medical condition. That comparison is offensive.

Sheila: I'm just worried about your future. You could get expelled.
Abby: I'm not getting expelled. Principal Novak couldn't get anyone to talk. No loose ends. I learned that from you. Mostly from your mistakes.
Joel: Yes, we're not good at murder. I happen to believe that's a positive quality.

Joel: As the great juggler Francisco Garibaldi once said, "When there's fear in your heart and knives in the air, the wise juggler focuses on but a single blade."
Sheila: What's with you and the juggling?
Joel: I saw a cool documentary about a juggler. You should watch it. 
Sheila: I'm not going to watch it. 
Joel: It has a great twist.
Sheila: Tell me about it.
Joel: He had four wives and eighteen children and none of them knew about each other. He was juggling balls AND families.
Sheila: Wow. That's crazy. I would've liked to have watched that.
Joel: You can still watch it.
Sheila: No. You ruined it.

Abby: I can't believe you guys are actually making me do this. You apologized to all your victims?
Sheila: Let's stop comparing our behaviors.
Joel: Someday, if you have kids and you get a virus and start killing people, you'll appreciate how well your mother and I are doing.
Sheila: It's true. And then you're going to call and be like, "Mom, omigawd, this is so hard. " And I'll say, "Mmm-hmm."

Sheila: Lesson number one is when you hurt somebody -
Abby: Like by killing them? 
Sheila: No. This is about you. When you do something wrong, you take responsibility.
Abby: By turning yourself into the police?
Sheila: No, still on you. You apologize. 
Abby: To the loved ones you've left behind?

Joel: Apologize or you're not getting your iPad back.
Abby: So blackmailing me into saying something I don't believe is your idea of good parenting?
Joel: So you admit it is parenting.

Abby: Christian, I really am sorry that something went so wrong in your early relationships with women that you ended up being such an irredeemable douchebag.
Sheila: Abby.
Abby: I've decided I don't need my iPad back. Phones have gotten big enough.
Christian: If my relationships with women are so messed up, then why did I have sex at age 13? Boom.
Joel: Whoa. Buddy, there's a lot to unpack there.
Sheila: Guys, let's stop with all the name-calling and the unsettling sexual revelations and just get back to why we're here.

Sheila: Chris? Christa? Christian is your son? Oh, I see what you've done there. Wow.
Christa: What are you doing in our house?
Joel: Our daughter felt great remorse for hitting your son with a tray and came to apologize. 
Chris: She hit our son with a tray? 
Abby: Only in the face.

Christa: Oh, this is delicious. You two came over here and told us something we never would have known. And now we're going to strap it on and fuck you with it.

Joel: Look, let's take a breath. We're all real-ators here.
Chris: Actually, we're realtors. We don't know what a real-ator is.
Joel: You know what, Chris? Fuck you.

Abby: Grace Tinsler got expelled, and now she's homeschooled and has 200,000 YouTube followers. And all she does is whisper ingredients from cereal boxes.
Joel: You're not getting expelled. And you're not - what'd you say she does?
Abby: She whispers ingredients into a camera. It's a non-sexual fetish thing. It pays her parents' mortgage.
Joel: If it pays her parents' mortgage, it's a sex thing.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Sheila: Where's my other boot? 
Joel: I don't know. Is there even the slightest chance you traded it for a human heart?

Carl: Sheila, what the fuck happened to you yesterday? I see you in the parking lot, and then you just drive away? I mean, I couldn't pitch your bullshit eco-homes to the investor. I had to pull a Mad Men and take him to a strip club all night.

Lisa: As you know, Anne is very religious. Without going into too much detail, she refuses to get her tongue pierced and go down on me until I accept Jesus as my savior.
Joel: Thank you for keeping it vague.

Lisa: Anne's been fixated on these missing people in Santa Clarita. Your wife was all, "Stop thinking about work and use the creative side of your fucking brain." And then she slapped her ass.
Sheila: Sometimes I do that to make a point. Right, honey?
Joel: It's new and I love it.

Abby: Oh, God damn it! We're out of frozen strawberries.

Eric: Is your dad checking out that Japopo's clam distributor we found yesterday?
Abby: No, he got distracted. There's a dead guy in our freezer and they don't know how he got there. But I've ruled out suicide.
Eric: I once found my mom's vibrator in the vegetable crisper.

Eric: Okay, here are the ideas I worked up for the fracking billboard. So vandalism doesn't come naturally to me, but two Mountain Dews and the beast is off its leash!
Abby: Sugar-high Eric! Drink that go-go juice.
Eric: Yeah! But seriously, if I try to have another one, do not let me. This is what the fracking site looks like now.
Abby: Ugh. "Energy that turns on your future."
Eric: And this is what it will look like tonight, after we paint it.
Abby: "Energy that turns off your future."
Eric: Asterisk.
Abby: "By polluting the water table with carcinogens." And then a really long URL.
Eric: Booyah. Citing my sources. The beast strikes again.
Abby: Okay. Building on that, what if, instead, we just write "Fracking Kills" and then make it look like blood's coming out of the family's eyes?
Eric: That's so much better.

Abby: Are you sure you can get a drone?
Eric: Uh, yeah, I won a Parrot AR off Fenton Hoffstadter in an all or nothing game of Magic: The Gathering.
Abby: Okay. Bunch of words I'm not super familiar with.
Eric: I beat a boy at a game and now he's giving me his toy.

Abby: I was thinking it would be super helpful if we had your stepdad's night vision goggles tonight.
Eric: It would, but after your dad killed him, my mom locked up all of Dan's psycho cop stuff and won't let me anywhere near it. For no good reason.
Abby: Uh-huh. What's the reason?
Eric: I got busted using the goggles to observe an owl. It was perched above the Andersons' bedroom window. They thought I was watching them have sex. As if their unremarkable human forms could hold a candle to the feathered glory of a western screech owl.

Abby: Eric mentioned that Dan had some night vision goggles lying around. I was just wondering if I could borrow them. It's for a school project. 
Lisa: On what?
Abby: On nighttime. What happens at night, anyway? I'm going to find out.
Lisa: Is this for Eric to look at owls? Because I can't have Neal Anderson storming over again yelling at me about parenting while standing there in sweatpants with half an erection.

Lisa: Okay, if this is too slutty, I can change it. And if it's not slutty enough, I can fix that, too. Any excuse to get out the body glitter.

Christian: You're Abby Hammond's friend, right? 
Eric: Oh, uh, we're a little more than friends. There's a 3% chance we might someday become lovers. Her words.
Christian: Dude, I lost my virginity when I was 13, so...

Joel: We go through a lot of dish gloves.
Sheila: Yeah, well, we kill a lot of people. And sometimes do dishes.
Joel: I know. I just worry about our carbon footprint.
Sheila: We do our part. You know what happens every time we kill someone? They drive less.

Sheila: Killing and eating people can't be the only thing that I do. Then I'd just be a monster.
Joel: Well, you could have hobbies. You like hiking, getting out into nature.
Sheila: You know who else likes hiking and nature? Well-known monster Bigfoot.
Joel: Just because one monster does those things doesn't mean he gets to own them.

Eric: Whoa, hey, wow. Look at your face.
Abby: Oh, too much?
Eric: No! No, you look amazing.
Abby: Thank you! 
Eric: Like a sexy raccoon. They said I'd be better with girls when I got my braces off, but I don't see it.

Sheila: Hammond Realty?
Joel: If we can't work for someone else, we'll work for ourselves.
Sheila: Really? You wanna start our own company?
Joel: I just spent nine dollars on this sample business card, so there's no turning back.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Ruby: What's your story, Irv?
Joel: Well, I'm an amateur clam grower - a clamateur, if you will. I just had a few questions about going pro. Such as where do you get your clam seeds? How many have you grown? What other restaurants have you sold them to?
Ruby: Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down. You gotta put a clam in a hot bath before she opens up.

Ruby: You looked nervous, like I wasn't gonna like your Danish or something.
Joel: Well, I put a little nutmeg in it, and I'm always afraid someone's gonna say, "Whoa, nutmeg?"

Sheila: I cost us our last job because my boss was such a fucker. Sorry. Jerk. My fucking boss was such a jerk!

Eric: Just stopped by to see if your dad needed help checking out the clam distributor. I don't know if you heard, but to get the name, I had to engage in a pretty dangerous game of cat and mouse. 
Abby: You were the mouse, right? 
Eric: I also wanted to see if you were mad I bailed on blowing up the fracking trailer with you. But then you just called me a mouse, so I guess that's a yes?
Abby: I'm not mad. I'm just busy, okay? My dad's not here. If you want to let him know you came by, you could always leave a trail of tiny droppings on the kitchen counter.
Eric: Okay. I'm not comfortable doing something illegal, but if you want to, that's fine, I'm not judging. Are you making your own explosives? That's crazy! What's wrong with you?
Abby: I'm exploring options. You bailed so you don't get to have an opinion, okay? Nobody likes a backseat arsonist.
Eric: All right. Just so you know, you should be careful using a hydrocarbon-based fuel as an accelerant, all right, because it's-
Abby: More volatile than available combustibles. I know, Eric. But thank you for mouse-splaining explosives to me.
Eric: Well, I could call you an animal, too. You're like an Indian mealmoth who flies directly into a flame because it read one book from 1971 and now it knows everything.
Abby: Yeah, well, at least a mealmoth has friends it can rely on who won't flutter away at the first sign of trouble.
Eric: You know nothing of moths. Although that was unbelievably accurate.

Joel: Look at all these clams. 
Ruby: I grow them all right here. They say you can't get local seafood in the desert, but I'm gonna prove those fuckers wrong.

Ruby: My brother explores deepwater lakes all over the world. He's one of those rich assholes who develops a dangerous hobby.

Ruby: If this goes well, I can quit my job at the sleep apnea center. I won't have to strap wires to those fat fucks and listen to them snore all night.
Joel: First of all, no matter how this goes, you should quit your job.

Joel: I don't want to sound harsh, but you should burn these before people see them and judge you.

Joel: God damn it! Anne's one Nazi in a wheelchair painting away from nailing us.
Sheila; Well, at least her boss doesn't believe her.
Joel: And what are we supposed to do with this [painting]?
Sheila: I don't know. I just thought it was a bad idea to have her staring at you while she's trying to solve our crimes. Also we don't have any paintings of you.
Joel: And if buying art isn't an effective way to shut Anne down? What then?
Sheila: We can't kill her. 
Joel: I know. 
Sheila: We only kill bad people. 
Joel: I know. But what if she secretly is bad? She seems nice, but it's always the people you least expect that do the worst things.
Sheila: That's us. You're describing us.
Joel: Yeah, it did sound familiar.

Rick: Problem solved. Called in a favor with a friend of mine at the health department.
Joel: That's great! I couldn't even get someone on the phone. What'd he say?
Rick: Why do you assume it's a man? Sexist.
Joel: I'm sorry. What did she say?
Rick: It is a man, but you should question your assumptions. That's the only way the world's ever gonna change.
Joel: I love that your police department made you take a sensitivity class, but I don't have time for this.
Rick: There's always time to respect the differences that make us great. I got an A.

Joel: Rick was no help and I think we just broke up.

Joel: So I'm thinking game over. What does everyone wanna do for our last night on Earth?
Eric: I've never eaten a pomegranate.
Abby: I don't know, Eric. They stain, so it's super dangerous.

Sheila: I can't help but notice you two are pointedly saying each other's names in a hurtful way.
Joel: Which we, damn it, don't have time to explore.

Sheila: Something is going on with these two.
Joel: Teenagers. They even make the apocalypse about them.

Joel: I am unbelievably sweaty.
Sheila: Yeah, well, Eric was just trying to protect you against contamination in case a clam bites you, or, God forbid, ejaculates on you.
Joel: World's worst porn.

Abby: Hi, Sven. I was wondering if you wanted to see a movie together after you GET OFF.
Sven: Yeah, sure. Why is [Eric] here?
Abby: He's doing a super secret pottery project, and I would just consider it a huge favor if you could let him use your HOT, HOT kiln while you and I are share a LICK-orice and a BUTT-erfinger.
Sven: Um, no, I can't leave him alone with the kiln. What if he burns the entire place down? I could be arrested. Kiss college goodbye.
Abby: But kiss me hello.
Eric: Abby, I don't think it's working.
Abby: I apologize. This is a new muscle for me.
Eric: Look, Sven, I was in your English class. You're going to be at this Color Me Mine the rest of your life unless someone writes your college essays for you, which I will do if you leave us the keys and walk away.
Sven: All right. Text me when you're done.

Joel: I'm the reason you died. That night we went to Japopo's, I was supposed to cook dinner. 
Sheila: Right, but you had a work call. 
Joel: I lied. You weren't home. I smoked a little pot, and instead of cooking, I watched epic dog fails on YouTube. Then I wanted pizza, so I told you I got stuck on a work call and we had to go out.
Sheila: So all this happened because you got high and wanted to watch a stupid dog video?
Joel: Yes. It's my fault.
Sheila: Omigawd. Wait a minute. I sent you that video. 
Joel: You did?
Sheila: So maybe this is my fault. But Evelyn gave me that video from work, and her mom gave it to her.
Joel: You think this is Evelyn's mom's fault?
Sheila: Maybe it's the dogs in that video who think they can make sharp turns on linoleum. Maybe it's cavemen who decided to turn wolves into pets.
Joel: So you're saying it's everybody's fault? But mostly cavemen?
Sheila: No. I'm saying it's nobody's fault. Joel, it's nobody's fault.

Marsha:  You missed.
Paul: Thank you, Marsha. That's great feedback.

Paul: Let's go home and make a baby.
Marsha: Don't say that if you don't mean it.
Paul: Don't look beautiful if you don't want me to love you.

Joel: Who the hell did that? 
Sheila: I don't know, but they're serious. No one casually owns a rocket launcher.

Joel: Remember an hour ago when someone shot a rocket at us? What if those were the good times?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Joel: You're defrosting an elbow in our microwave. We are terrible murderers!
Sheila: Well, maybe they'll be terrible detectives.

Joel: We should think about leaving before it's too late. 
Sheila: Leaving? Where would we go? 
Joel: I don't know. We'd just keep going until we found someplace safe.
Sheila: What about Abby? She's still in school. She can't live like a fugitive.
Joel: We could stop in Phoenix and drop her at your sister's.
Sheila: Omigawd. You've really thought about this.
Joel: Since the day you killed Gary. If we get caught, we'll never see each other again. And if Abby's with us, she could end up in prison, too. We don't have a lot of good choices.
Sheila: No, but we do have Gary.
Joel: Right. I guess we'd take him with us. He's small and he knows a lot of jokes.
Sheila: No, I'm saying that Anne's theory is that the same person killed Dan and Gary. But if we can prove that Dan and Gary are alive, it destroys her case.
Joel: So what are you suggesting? We walk into a sheriff's office, hold up Gary's head and say "Look, we're innocent - we killed this guy, but he won't stay dead"?
Sheila: Of course not. But sort of.

Eric: This'll probably work.
Abby: I'm thinking, with explosives, "this will probably work" isn't where I want to be.
Eric: I mean, there are a couple of issues, but nothing you can't fix. When do you need it? 
Abby: Tonight.
Eric: Omigawd, you're going to die.
Abby: They're having a press rollout tomorrow talking about how great it is to fuck the earth with their toxic semen, so their trailer needs to be a smoking hole in the ground by morning.
Eric: Wow, you will never work in corporate PR.

Sheila: So using this burner phone, you'll record a message to Dan. 
Joel: Which is left on this burner phone. 
Sheila: Neither of which are traceable. And we'll plant that phone somewhere Anne will find it.
Joel: "What's this? Why, it's a phone that must've belonged to Dan."
Sheila: Curious, she'll listen to the voicemail.
Joel: "I'm a cop. I want to know everything. It's so annoying."
Sheila: She'll hear your message to Dan.
Joel: "Oh my, Gary and Dan are still alive. I should learn to leave well enough alone."
Sheila: And her whole theory will implode. Ba-boom!
Joel: Or since it's imploding, boom-ba!

Sheila: So we're thinking something like, "Hey, Dan, it's Gary. I'm on my way to Mexico to find you."
Joel: "I have your laundered drug money. And please don't send another Serbian goon to cut off a finger like you did before." The Serbian thing connects another missing person we killed. 
Sheila: But only if you can work it in. 
Joel: Try to work it in.
Sheila: I'm just saying, if you load it up with too much exposition -
Joel: It'll be better. 
Sheila: Or it might not be believable. 
Joel: Try to work it in. 
Sheila: Or don't. Shall we?
Gary: Hey, Dan. It's Gary. I'm on my way to Mexico to meet with you. But since I'm only a head, it may take me a few years to roll there.  
Sheila: Delete.
Gary: Sorry, I'm just rarely the center of attention anymore. Fine. Let's do this. Hey, Dan. It's Gary. How's the weather in Mexico? And by Mexico, I mean the inside of Sheila's stomach.
Sheila: Delete.
Gary: Hey, Dan. It's Gary. I've laundered your money. I'll meet you in Guadalajara on Thursday. I'll be wearing a Padres cap and nothing else. Oh, the shark babe has such teeth, dear. I heard Joel killed you with a shovel and then Sheila ate you with her teeth, dear. And she shows them. So I will see you in Guadalajara with the money next week. We did it, buddy. We're rich.

Gary: I want you to kill me. 
Joel: What? 
Gary: My niece and Hailey are safe. I don't have a purpose anymore. I don't wanna sit in a vase forever, guys. That's no life.
Joel: But we just started rewatching The Wire.

Joel: I'd be fine in prison. I make friends super easy and I love bunk beds.
Sheila: You're also a picky eater and you don't like people touching your stuff. Plus there's no guarantee you'll get the top bunk.

Sheila: Anne may be the instrument of our doom, but she's still my friend and this baptism is important to her.
Abby: The gal does love her some God.
Eric: Yeah, she sees his work in everything we do. I know that because she crocheted me a pillow that says, "I see his work in everything we do."
Sheila: It must be nice to have the comfort and clarity of religion. The only things I believe in enough to put on a pillow are "I'm winging it" and "All races taste the same."

Eric: Anne also invited the head of the homicide unit, Bill Ramirez. I met him once. Super intimidating. I confessed to stealing Milk Duds when I was seven which I didn't even do.

Joel: We're going to need your help with something. 
Abby: So this lunch was a bribe?
Joel: No. We just feel guilty because we're going to ask you to do something that's potentially dangerous.
Sheila: And we wanted to give you a treat to incentivize you to go - oh, it is a bribe.

Abby: My parents can't sneak around your house trying to hide a phone. What if they got caught? Which you know they would because they're not good at anything - apart from being realtors. And they don't even pronounce that right.
Eric: It's just when it comes to being clandestine, spelling dirty words in alphabet soup is kind of the edge of my comfort zone.

Eric: Huh.
Abby: What?
Eric: This is C4. That's a military-grade explosive. Why would Dan have this?
Abby: Because he was reckless and stupid.

Sheila: We - mostly you - just need to be calm. Look at how relaxed everyone is.
Joel: Maybe none of them are murderers.

Sheila: We did it!
Joel: We - mostly you - are fucking masterminds.
Abby: Unbelievable. Something you guys planned actually worked. If this happens a thousand more times, I may have to rethink my perception of you.
Joel: I love it when you almost respect us.

Alondra: So did your bisexuality sneak up on you or did it burn inside you for a long time?

Joel: Your stuff's in that bag.
Sheila: You packed me, like, all my lingerie. No shoes or pants?
Joel: Did I? I'm panicking so my lizard brain is making a lot of the decisions.

Abby: If you fuckers try to leave me somewhere, I will track you down and give you so much shit, it'll make the time you didn't take me to see One Direction feel like a walk in the goddamn park.
Sheila: I told you she'd have an opinion. All right. Go pack.
Abby: Please. I've had my go bag ready since you killed Gary. By the way, you're taking too much stuff. Also you should go to the bank and withdraw as much cash as you can before they freeze your accounts.
Joel: What were we thinking? We're so going to need her.

Joel: Gary, you've been someone I can talk to, someone who listens, who has opinions, especially when it comes to baseball. 
Gary: Ugh, fucking Padres. 
Joel: Who roots for the Padres? 
Gary: I'm from San Diego!

Gary: You guys are the best. I mean, sure, you disemboweled me and buried me alive, but after that you really stepped up.

Joel: I can't [shoot Gary]. 
Gary: You worried about killing half the world's Padres fans?

Anne: If you're gonna bury someone out here, you should turn your cell phones off so they can't be tracked.

Sheila: I died and then I came back to life. And now I hunt people to survive.
Joel: But only bad people. In a way, it's like what you do, only we're volunteers.

Anne: So you've risen from the dead? And you're doing God's work by ridding the world of evildoers? Is that what you're saying?
Joel: It's not NOT what we're saying.

Joel: She can grant eternal life! 
Gary: Eternal!
Anne: Oh, Lord! Help me. Is it true? Have you chosen Sheila to do your work?
Gary: Unlikely, but seems to be true!

Gary: Well, this just got fucking weird.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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