Original Quotes: This Family Makes Me Want to Murder People

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Klaus: Modesty is for the weak.

Cami: Let me guess: tall, redhead, ax to grind?

Cami: I saw the light from the courtyard and took a chance that...you weren't with a half naked psycho witch. Seems I gambled and lost.
Genevieve: Ten minutes ago, I was fully naked.
Cami: Oh, then you served your purpose. Don't let me hold you up.

Francesca: Please, boys. At least fight over something interesting. Me, perhaps?

Marcel: You're pretty smug for a guy with a witch's hex.

Rebekah: What a relief. His ego's in check.

Elijah: You poisoned me with a kiss. At least you haven't lost your sense of irony.

Celeste: First I'm going to cure you of your greatest flaw: this absurd devotion to your lunatic family.

Rebekah: Absolutely not! I paid for that!
Elijah: Please. You never paid for anything in your life.
Rebekah: I hardly see how that's relevant.

Davina: You're Hayley, Klaus's wife.
Hayley: Eww, no. Never.

Elijah: How delightfully democratic of you.

Elijah: You don't make it easy to love you, brother.
Klaus: And yet you're obstinate in your desire to do so.

Klaus: They have all forsaken me. My siblings are as deceitful and diseased as my parents ever were. Accusing me of using my baby for my own gain, trusting others before their own blood.
Cami: Would a laptop kill you?
Klaus: That typewriter was good enough for Hemingway,
Cami: I can see the resemblance: booze and random acts of violence.
Klaus: Type, please.
Cami: What's the point? You just repeat the same thing over and over again. Rebekah's out to get you. Elijah's out to get you. Is there anyone who isn't plotting your downfall? I doubt you trust your own reflection.
Klaus: You know if the daggers weren't missing, I would put one in each of their hearts, rid myself of the burden of my siblings for a couple of centuries.
Cami: Look at you, repeating the same destructive cycles over and over again. You are the architect of your own unhappiness.

Cami: It's an ancient mystical plot I'm using to destroy you. Relax, it's a tattoo design.
Klaus: Draw on your own time.
Cami: This IS my time! YOU steal it from me.

Edited February 20, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Doctor: What the hell?

Josh: Oh, okay, yeah, totally seeing how we a crime scene vibe happening here. Just don't freak out, okay?

Klaus: Think very carefullly before you speak. The sound of your voice is likely to make me forget what mercy I've shown thus far.

Marcel: Yeah, yeah, I know I'm on your who's been naughty list.

Doctor: I'm going to have to let the authorities know what the hell is going on here.

Cami: Josh?

Josh: Oh, right. Dude, be cool. It's just a priest hexed by a witch because of some vampires. Accept that these things are real, then forget them. I mean later. You forget them later. Crap, let me start over.

Hayley: As fun as it is to imagine Klaus changing dirty diapers, I'm pretty sure that I'll be doing this alone.

Elijah: Pardon the interruption. I wonder if I might have a quick word with the conspirators of a supposed uprising.

Hayley: Give me your shirt. NOW!

Hayley: Since I don't see any genius mastermind types around here, why don't you just tell me where Marcel is and we can both get on with our day?

Elijah: Unfortunately in troubled times, people do not look for the best but rather the loudest.

Edited April 23, 2014 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Klaus: It seems rather uncivilized to laugh and dance around the body of a loved one.
Elijah: Yes, far better to practice your process of grief, Niklaus: denial, rage, and hoarding coffins in basements.

 

Klaus: In the mean time, with all manner of unknown enemies conspiring against our family, you'll move back in with us.
Hayley: AWESOME. That means you'll do that thing where you lock me in the tower, I escape, there's drama, and then you two both realize that I'm very capable of looking after myself.

 

Elijah: So you're saying that our father, facing permanent extinction, has decided to spend his remaining time tormenting us? How delightful.

 

Elijah: Please tell me you've designed a stronger method to control the witch than playing hard to get.
Klaus: Well, I've always been partial to the classics.

 

Hayley: You, me, Elijah, and miracle baby all under one roof. Sounds like a bad reality show.

Klaus: You said you saw my father.
Hayley: Why do you call him that? He's not your real dad.
Klaus: He's done damage only a father could do.

Edited April 30, 2014 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Davina: Josh, now that you have a ring, I think you need to leave town.

Josh: Whoa, wait? Are we breaking up?

Davina: I'm serious.

Josh: Yeah, I know. Serious is kind of your default setting which is why you need me around to lighten you up. Ergo not leaving.

 

Davina: Why are you doing this?

Klaus: I blame you. After all my overtures of friendship, you once again sided with Marcel, forcing me to do horrible things to someone you care about.

 

Genevieve:Worrying isn't going to help. You should sit down, try to keep calm.

Hayley: What are you now? Magician slash zen life coach?

 

Klaus: Accolades to Marcel. He did quite a dance across the bridge of your nose.

 

Elijah: Sit still. You'll be freed as soon as it's safe.

Klaus: Our focus should be the stones. Considering Jackson's competition for Hayley's affections, I'd think you'd agree,

Elijah: Disregard my brother. Over the course of the last millennium, his capacity for tact has somewhat diminished.

Klaus: Well, that's typical, isn't it? Marcel fills a room with dynamite and yet I'm the tactless one.

 

[Klaus uncovers another box full of explosives]

Klaus: Okay, exercise extreme caution in this general area. Bit of a mess.

 

Jackson: This is my fault. I will find a way to fix it.

Hayley: No, Jack, you're hurt. No one's blaming you.

Klaus: I'm blaming you.

 

Klaus: If you fail to uphold your end of the deal, the consequences for you will be apocalyptic.

Genevieve: You say the most romantic things.

 

Marcel: No surrender this time. You're going to have to kill us all.

Klaus: Okay!

 

Elijah: Gentlemen, shall we?

 

Marcel: I never went after Hayley. I'm not a monster, Klaus. I'm not you.

Edited May 7, 2014 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Elijah: I needed her and you've broken me.

 

Rebekah: She looks like her mother. Maybe there is a God after all.

 

Finn: May you rest in peace.

Esther: What's the fun in that?

[ladyrott]

[Klaus uncovers another box full of explosives]

Klaus: Okay, exercise extreme caution in this general area. Bit of a mess.

 

 

I don't know why that line tickled me as much as it did, but I laughed out loud. 

[September]

Klaus threatening the witches while Hayley was giving birth:

 

"I will bring hell to your doorstep!"

 

"I will bathe in rivers of your blood!"

 

"You will die screaming!"

 

And I loved that Klaus stopped shouting when the baby was born.

Edited August 2, 2014 by September

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Elijah: I suppose we shall have to call this your white period.

Klaus: You're missing a crucial color in my palette, that of my enemy's blood.

Elijah: Well I recommend a Venetian red with a dash of rust.

 

Cammie: I have to get back to campus, meet my new advisor. Apparently the one I was supposed to have dropped dead. Guy did triathlons yet couldn't climb a flight of stairs.

 

Cammie: [Klaus] is in mourning.

Marcel: No, no, if anyone can mourn and murder at the same time, it's him.

 

Joe Dalton: Here you go, Davina. Now some time you're going to have to give me the lowdown on why you're so hooked on ancient Icelandic folk music.

Davina: It's for someone else.

Joe: I sure hope so.

 

Davina: I don't know why you keep showing off. You know you can't hurt me.

Mikael: Oh but the desire I have to do so.

 

Klaus: We don't need to hit them all, just the twelve with the rings that take me out every full moon.

Marcel: You want to find twelve rings? Go out and chop off the hand of every wolf you find until you get what you want. I mean, come on. You taught me that.

 

Klaus: One enemy at a time. In the end we will slay them all.

 

Elijah: Each ring is distinguishable by its setting - gauche, like those that wear them.

 

Marcel: I know your boss wanted to buy this place, but I've been stockpiling wolfsbane for months and I just really needed a place to store it.

 

Josh: They got Joe.

Marcel: Joe knew what he was getting himself into.

Josh: So, what? "Hey, come on, join our team - your reward will be your death"?

 

Esther: At least you're not stuck in the body of a teenager.

Kol: I love my body, mother. I'm pretty sure Davina Claire does too.

Esther: Don't be puerile.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Hayley: I was having a crappy day so Klaus took me out to the cauldron. Wouldn't you know we ran into some witches?

Elijah: So would you like me to remove your leftovers?

Hayley: Oh, don't judge, Elijah. What I did is no worse than anything Klaus has ever done.

Elijah: I would hope that you would hold yourself to a higher standard than Niklaus.

 

Mikael to Davina: For someone who despises Klaus so much, you certainly share his paranoia.

 

Marcel to Elijah: First thing I learned living with your family - wherever you people go, threats and bloodshed are soon to follow so just stay out of sight. Try not to kill anyone.

 

Davina: What if I do find [the white oak stake]? I'm not just going to give it to Klaus. He and Elijah are both brutal sadistic monsters.

Elijah: I do wish I could disagree with you. Tragically, however, you're quite right.

 

Davina: No, I'm done listening. For a long time, you and your family have had all the power. You manipulate and kill anyone who gets in your way. That time's over. From now on, you can know what it is to be afraid.

 

Oliver: What the hell do you two want?

Klaus: Hold your tongue or I'll tear it from your gaping mouth.

 

Oliver: I'd rather die than follow you.

Klaus: Well at least you didn't drag this out.

Hayley: Hey! Let him go, Klaus.

Klaus: You need to learn about the art of politics, love. You gain support by killing your detractors.

 

Kol: Don't be absurd! Shakespeare should be experienced in the flesh. In truth, these aren't the finest actors but we are in the colonies.

 

Klaus: What happened to decorum? Does no one greet their guests anymore?

 

[Finn sneaks up on Kol]

Kol: That's not creepy at all.

 

Finn: Stop complimenting her and find out what she's hiding.

Kol: I'm wooing her, Vincent. It requires charm and personality, something you'd know nothing about.

Finn: Our mother wants answers and if you can't get them, we'll just do this my way.

Kol: What are you going to do? Are you going to bore her until she can't help but tell you everything.

 

Klaus: [Esther] was the true monster. She changed her children, stole our innocence, made us vampires, condemned us to an eternity of bloodlust, and then acted as if we were to blame.

Esther: She sounds awful. Are you building to a question, Niklaus?

Klaus: You use my full name as though we are familiars. I find it insulting.

 

Klaus: Are we running a kennel now?

 

Klaus: There's only one question we need to ask now, isn't there? Which of our parents do we kill first?

Edited October 14, 2014 by ElectricBoogaloo

[September]

Klaus: [Esther] was the true monster. She changed her children, stole our innocence, made us vampires, condemned us to an eternity of bloodlust, and then acted as if we were to blame.

 

 

That was my favorite quote. 

 

Klaus (talking about his mother): "I'm going to kill her. I will boil her bones and feed them to the dogs if that's what it takes."

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Especially considering you know that Klaus would do that just for sport with no other benefit.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Elijah: Second lesson of the day - acquisition through mind compulsion.

 

Marcel: Michael's back, Elijah's babbling on about family drama, and you're here looking for antique jewelry.

 

Klaus: Are these outfits really necessary?

Elijah: Appearance is a way of showing respect, Niklaus. Mother will be more like to surrender her true intentions.

Klaus: I doubt her guard will drop just because I'm dressed like a bloody lawyer.

 

Finn: You two haven't change a bit. Linens and silk can't disguise your pathetic self loathing, and you - despite the arrogant facade, you're still the same paranoid little boy full of hate and fear.

 

Oliver: You asked me to infiltrate Cassie's coven. I'm not going to below my cover for some has-been hippie witch. No offense.

Hayley: I guess we could always make it look like you got jumped, tell Cassie that Lenore got rescued by her people.

Oliver: Let me guess, you want to beat the hell out of me, make it look convincing.

Hayley: I can't say I wouldn't enjoy it.
Oliver: Okay, just not the face.

 

Finn: Care to make an educated guess? How about a paranoid one?

Klaus: There's no way Kol would listen to anything other than his ego.

 

Klaus: You were daggered for being an ever simpering sycophant.

 

Elijah: Like father, you've always despised our supernatural existence. Father, of course, slaughtered and consumed his whereas you became pretentious and dull, much like this meal.

 

Gia: What? You need another python?

Elijah: Well one can never have too many.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Elijah: NIKLAUS!

Hayley: You do realize that literally everyone here has supernatural hearing, right?

Elijah: Where is my brother?

Hayley: I'll check his calendar. Wait, nope, not his wife.

Hayley: If only there was a magical device that people use to call people.

Kol: It's only a matter of time. Look at this face. How long can [Davina] possibly resist?

Esther: Given your progress, I'd say indefinitely.

Finn: Considering your sole task was keeping track of a teenager, you might want to draw a little less attention to your absolute failure to do so.

Kol: You're one to talk about failure. You got that human girl to bare her soul to you yet? Or are you too busy playing captain to a pack of mangy dogs to have any success as a fake head shrinker?

Mikael: Werewolf venom is to be purged by force, not acquiesced to.

Davina: What is that? Like a Viking bumper sticker?

Mikael: Confrontation is inevitable, child. Your fear will prove to be our greatest disadvantage.

Davina: I'm not afraid.

Mikael: Well you should be. You are weak.

Davina: But I'm still in charge.

Marcel: There's a big difference between wanting to fight and knowing how to win.

Josh: Um, yeah, not that I don't dig the whole Karate Kid vibe that we've got going on here, but how are we supposed to learn how to defend ourselves from an army of super wolves in, like, one day?

Davina: No offense but your dad seems like a jerkwad.

Mikael: Mothers love their children. Fathers make them strong.

Mikael: The ability to endure pain is the warrior's true weapon. Master that and nothing holds power over you.

Cami: You're the one who hijacked my afternoon to drag me along to this revenge fantasy of yours. Excuse me if I need a drink to take the edge off before the killing begins.

Klaus: So that's your plan, is it? Ply me with alcohol and then prattle on until I'm convinced to leave Davina and Mikael alone to plot my death?

Cami: No, my plan is to listen. Come on, Klaus. You could have eavesdropped on that phone call and vanished before I even knew you were there so let's just get to the part you really want me to play - therapist, stenographer, drinking buddy. Call it whatever you want. I know why I'm here - to give you the one thing you've never had: someone to hear your side.

Elijah: As a devout feminist, I refuse to say you hit like a girl.

Elijah: Speak. I suggest you be succinct.

Cami: Oh, goody. Papa Tunde's mystical knife of ludicrous torment. Glad that's still around.

Elijah: Stay and the situation becomes irrefutably awkward.

Mikael: You seem rather impatient. Are you so eager to meet your end?

Klaus: I'm only eager to stand over your burning corpse again. Only this time I intend to enjoy it more.

Mikael: I traveled all the way back from hell for this moment.

Klaus: Then I'd hate to keep you waiting.

Josh: Didn't think you were going to show.

Aiden: Didn't think you were a vampire.

Josh: Ditto, the whole leader of a werewolf army thing. P.S. - these pictures don't really do you justice. You're way hotter in person - you know, when you're not murdering people.

Marcel: Never say never cause never ain't that long.

Edited October 29, 2014 by ElectricBoogaloo

[immortalfrieza]

Mikael: You seem rather impatient. Are you so eager to meet your end?

Elijah: I'm only eager to stand over your burning corpse again. Only this time I intend to enjoy it more.

Mikael: I traveled all the way back from hell for this moment.

Elijah. Then I'd hate to keep you waiting.

I'd hate to correct you, but actually it was Klaus instead of Elijah that said that.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Ha, that's what happens when I type as I'm watching the episode! Thanks for catching that - I will fix that mistake.

[RachelKM]

 

Cami: Oh, goody. Papa Tunde's mystical knife of ludicrous torment. Glad that's still around.

This made me laugh, because it was almost verbatim the though in my head.  Also, Cami's delivery was spot on.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Kol: You might want to try a bit of lavender under your pillow. Does wonders for stuck up pillocks with anger issues.

 

Finn: I hate voicemail.

 

Mikael (to Cami): You are the enabler of the weak! No wonder [Klaus] seeks your company.

 

Davina: Klaus?

Kol: Angry bloke with deadly aim, yeah, he smashed the place up and then he left.

Davina: Where'd he go?

Kol: To hunt down your pet serial killer friend. Listen, not to be Mr. Judgemental here but I'm starting to question the company that you keep.

 

Klaus: I appreciate your assistance.

Marcel: Hey, you die, I die. Call me selfish.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Klaus: Nothing says, "I loathe you," quite like descrating a corpse.

 

Klaus: I'm sorry, is this some sort of motherly critique? Please feel free to choke on it.

 

Klaus: Your love was a curse.

 

Klaus: I've never needed any help when it comes to killing parents.

 

Esther: A thousand years ago in a fit of rage, you wrapped your bare hands around my neck and squeezed until I died. Do you even remember why?

Klaus: Let's see. You turned us all into monsters, you cursed me, you denied me of my hybrid nature, you lied about my father.

Esther: It's that one above all. You killed me because I kept you from ever knowing your true father.

Klaus: My hatred for you runs so deep it's difficult to pinpoint its origin.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Kol: Here's a magical secret from the ancient legends of the Romani psychics - sleep, Davina. You've been awake for days.

Davina: Kinda hard to rest with a 1000 year old psycho in the next bed.

Kol: When you say that, I sound like a bit of a creeper.

 

Cami: I always thought having a woman's mouth on my neck would be more erotic.

 

Josh: I know this probably isn't your ideal Friday night. I'm sure you'd rather be, like, doing pushups or drinking beers with your bros or whatever.

 

Davina: Is the hand holding really necessary?

Kol: I mean, we could make out but then that would be entirely distracting.

[driedfruit]

Davina: Is the hand holding really necessary?

Kol: I mean, we could make out but then that would be entirely distracting.

 

LOL But it sucks that they didn't get to it this episode. Can't they try some hate!sex or something? 

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Elijah: My recommendation was to remove your limbs one by one until you comply.

 

Finn: Is loyalty to [Klaus] ever rewarded?

 

Klaus: Has the earth shifted on its axis? [Elijah] needing restraint from me?

 

Hayley: So are you going to work on a rousing speech or just get day drunk?

Jackson: A little bit of both.

Hayley: Jack, it's 10am.

 

Marcel: At least with Klaus I know exactly what I'm getting.

 

Josh: Failure, party of two.

Davina: You seem to be doing alright.

Josh: Uh, yeah, except that every werewolf in town is trying to kill me. Well, except for the super hot one that I'm sort of dating but that's got its own problems though. It's kind of a Romeo and Romeo thing.

Davina: And how hot is this Romeo?

 

Kol: [Esther] must have wiped your memory.

Cami: Not the first time that's been done by a member of this family.

 

Elijah: It's hard to believe we were all this innocent once.

 

Kol: I'm never going to say this again, but Marcel's right. We do need the bastard [Klaus].

 

Klaus: Pass the beignets.

 

Klaus: A mother cares for her children. A monster does not. Once you accept she is the latter, you stop expecting the former.

[slayer2]

Esther: I have come to heal our family.

Me: I do not think that word means what you think it means.

Edited November 25, 2014 by slayer2

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Klaus: You're looking very dapper this evening, Kol.

Marcel: No gloves, without a tailcoat? Very unusual, wouldn't you say, Klaus?

Kol: I didn't realize you two lovebirds were interested in fashion.
 

Rebekah: How are you feeling?
Elijah: Patronized.

 

Kol: Think I'd be a bit testy too if my old ex was about to jump into my new ex. I think that would be a bit, uh-

Cami: Awkward?

Kol: I was going to say kinky.

 

Mikael: I will slaughter every single wolf I see until I am taken to the dog you saw fit to bring back from the dead.

Esther: You can stop looking for Ansel. Klaus killed him. Klaus may not be your blood but he certainly has picked up a few things from you along the way.

Mikael: Do not mention the bastard son!

Esther: Resolution through violence. You are nothing if not consistent.

 

Rebekah: It's bonfire season and I am reviving a family tradition, especially since we're all going to be together.

Elijah: Only because we're fleeing from one of our deranged parents, another Mikaelson family tradition. It's a peculiar thing, never to be tired yet forever exhausted by the sameness of things.

 

Klaus: I wish you would tell Elijah you're marrying your werewolf suitor, at which point I will pour him a scotch and congratulate him on the bullet he dodged.

 

Cami: I'm not much of a cook, but I do make a mean grilled cheese.

Finn: You're a compassionate woman, Camille. It's your fatal flaw and it will be your downfall.

Cami: Well that got dark fast.

 

Kol: I was a lot better looking back then.

 

Rebekah: Doing a bit of pilfering before cocktails?

 

Rebekah: Hey, Nik, do you think you can cram us all into a selfie?

Elijah: Only Klaus is the virtuouso of cramming his siblings into confined spaces.

Klaus: I'm so glad I traveled hundreds of miles to visit my mentally ill brother only to have him insult me to my face.

 

Klaus: If we kill [Esther], she body jumps.

Rebekah: Then stop her from jumping.

Klaus: If I knew how to bloody stop her from jumping, don't you think I would have happily murdered her ages ago?

 

Esther: Elijah is happiest when there's order and music, Klaus when he's the center of attention and in control, but you are my only child capable of unfettered joy. And you're happiest amongst humans. I've seen you yearn for that life, for love.

Kol: And when am I happiest then, mother?

Esther: When you're doing as you're told.

 

Klaus: I've done what every good son does, mother. I've followed the example of my parents.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Elijah: A single violent outburst at a filthy roadside cafe and one never hears the end of it.

 

Cami: If there's one thing I've learned about you people, it's that there's always a bottle of booze around. You want one?

Elijah: Sounds delightful. And after that, Camille, then what? We have another and another, perhaps another after that. Before long, I find myself opening up to you or baring my damaged soul as it were. It's an old trick, Camille, and not a particularly clever one.

Cami: Your mother really did a number on your boys, didn't she? Has it ever occurred to you that I am less interested in fixing your problems and more interested in forgetting my own? I'm basically in a supernatural witness protection program because your psychotic brother, who, by the way, I practically had to seduce, wants me dead so yeah, booze and board games is pretty much where I'm at right now. Here's a question for you: what was the name of Don Quixote's horse?

Elijah: This is absurd.

Cami: Fine. Dumb idea. How's Hayley? You two seemed close.

Elijah: Rocinante. The horse's name is Rocinante.

 

Klaus: I'm glad the two of you dropped your pretenses and, uh, shall we say, let the spirit move you.

Hayley: Okay, okay, stop, enough. This family's weird enough already.

 

Klaus: Of all the poems written on the subject of unrequited love, there are so few on being the object of that affection. The truth is, Hayley, it's not love on which the strongest foundations are built. It's the decency of merciful lies.

 

Cami: Who was the only U.S. President to earn a Ph.D?
Elijah: The rather tedious Woodrow Wilson.

 

Josh: Please tell me that I did not get murdered and come back from the dead just to get shoved in the closet again.

 

Finn: What I want, brother, is to exterminate the plague that is your kind. What I want is to watch the flames flicker on your smoldering corpse. What I want is to hear the silence  once you finally stop screaming.

Klaus: Kssssshhhhhhhh. I'm sorry, we must have a bad connection. Could you repeat everything you said after "what I want"?

 

Rebekah: Stupid human body!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Klaus: Family are not just people who coddle you, who grant you your every whim. They are people who fight for you, who you fight for, and if this family endeavors to stop you from making a tragic error of the heart, then by all means express your discontent but what you do not do is abandon us.

 

Klaus: Haven't you found Finn yet? I must say, for a witch of your caliber, your spells are not particularly efficient.

Davina: Finn is blocking my locator spell so I need to try something new but I need to concentrate and it would help a lot if you would quit standing over me like a stalker.

Klaus: No need to be testy, love. We both have the same goal.

Davina: Really? Because my goal is to get Kol out of your house alive, which seems to be about number ten on your list.

Klaus: Number nine at least.

Davina: What is wrong with you? He's your brother.

Klaus: Yes, and I also have a sister, one I happen to care about more so until he tells me where she is, Kol can rot as far as I'm concerned.

 

Davina: [Finn]'s channeling your parents.

Klaus: And here I thought I was the poster child for least grateful offspring.

 

Cami: Are you name dropping Freud? Well here's something I know that even Freud didn't - what it's like when someone takes away your deepest ugliest pain without your consent. It is both a blessed relief and a complete violation. Sound familiar?

 

Klaus: Let me guess. I'm the big bad wolf, Kol the wily fox, Elijah is the noble stag, and you, fittingly enough, are the boar.

 

Klaus: Hate the war, love the hats.

 

Marcel: It's just hunger, Gia. Lots of people on this earth have been a lot hungrier than us.

 

Gia: You're supposed to be our leader. Right now you suck at it.

 

Hayley: I am great with old people. And babies. It's just the in between that I suck at.

 

Elijah: I am fighting the monumental desire to mount your severed head upon one of these walls.

 

Elijah: So the city is safe?

Klaus: I wouldn't exactly go flinging around words like "safe."

[ElectricBoogaloo]

[Aidan hands Davina a hairbrush and a toothbrush]

Aidan: This is everything Josh left at my place.

Kol: Wow, practically moved in, has he?

 

Davina: You can't go alone.

Kol: Well, to be absolutely clear here, technically he could go alone.

Davina: No, it's a suicide mission.

Kol: Yeah, and what's more tragic than a suicide mission but a mass suicide mission?

 

Hayley: In your paranoid mind, nobody can be trusted. Where does it end?

Klaus: There is no end!

 

Marcel: Two centuries back, I was just a kid looking through the compond. I found a coffin. Klaus catches me and he says, "That's my brother Finn. We keep him like that because he is such a bore."

 

Klaus: I see you've mastered the self-righteous air of all hypocrites.

 

Kol: You know me, Finn. I take sides with whoever I think is going to win. And to be honest, well, you and mum were acting a bit daft, weren't you? But I heard about how you turned dear old dad into your own personal black magic battery pack and I thought well, that's cold but it's smart.

 

Kol: Finn, you sound like Sherlock Holmes after one too many tequilas.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Klaus: This family makes me want to murder people.

 

Kol: Of course, why would a brother expect his siblings to leap to his aid?

Klaus: Spare me the pity party, Kol.

 

Cami: In cases like yours, sometimes not dwelling on the problem is more productive than examining it through the minutiae of therapy. Staying mentally busy instead of physically.

 

Cami: Or we could go fishing and I could tell you about the summer I lost my virginity.

 

Marcel: Wait, I'm not here to hurt you.

Hayley: Stalking me is a very funny way of showing it. You're lucky we're friends or I would have just killed you.

 

Klaus: You come simpering to me for help and the whole time you've been plotting against me with that damn dagger. You're no better than Finn.

Kol: And you threatening me makes you better than Finn, does it?

 

Rebekah: Your stupid temper will be the end of you one day. Just know that.

 

Klaus: I'm not going to kill you, you idiot. Despite your behavior, you're still my brother.

Kol: Just the one you dagger repeatedly.

Klaus: I've daggered all of you! Each for your own good! If you don't agree with my motives, fine. I've never claimed to be the bastion of temperance.

 

Cami: Elijah, I left my cell at the house like an idiot. Luckily pay phones are still a thing out here in the sticks!

 

Cami: I don't know if the pediatric ward would approve of Uncle Elijah using vampire blood to heal boo boos.

 

Kol: Did you get me what I asked for?

Klaus: Mystical artifacts and dark objects galore from my own personal collection garnered over a thousand years.

Kol: I wondered where this had gone. Half this stuff is mine!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Hayley: Do not tell me that it's not safe. I'll tell you what's not safe - blowing up a house just to keep your evil brother from finding [Elijah and Hope].

 

Rebekah: I know it's white, which won't fool anyone, but you can't get married in skinny jeans and combat boots.

 

Rebekah: I happen to be the only woman alive who's commissioned wedding dresses in five different centuries.

 

Rebekah: You may be marrying Jackson Kenna of the boozy backwater Kennas, but you're still one of us, a Mikaelson. Always will be.

Hayley: Gosh, that would be such a nice compliment if it didn't link me to so many homicidal lunatics.

 

Rebekah: What happened to the brother I used to know? The one who laughed death in the face?

Kol: It's a lot easier to do when you haven't died already once.

 

Hayley: Wanted to make sure you weren't wearing a flannel tux.

 

Mary: There was a time when werewolves saw themselves not as cursed, but as blessed, with a connection to our most pure selves.

 

Klaus: Are you to be my chaperone the entire evening, brother?

Elijah: Chaperone, steward, babysitter, whichever term tickles your fancy most, brother. You are welcome to indulge whomever and whatever you please. I would only ask that you refrain from any homicidal behavior.

Klaus: Just one day back and already you've more than fulfilled your quota for irritating brotherly conduct.

 

Elijah: Just listen to yourself, fueled by your delusions of persecution.

 

Kol: All my life, all I ever wanted was for you lot to care about me.

Edited February 17, 2015 by ElectricBoogaloo

[mac123x]

Hayley: Wanted to make sure you weren't wearing a flannel tux.

 

Okay, that makes much more sense than what I mis-heard:  "Wanted to make sure you wren't wearing a formal tux"

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rebekah: I can take care of myself.

Marcel: All evidence to the contrary.

 

Marcel: Elijah, Josephine is an eccentric old bat with no love for vampires. Your charms might not work as well as you think.

Elijah: My charms are quite adaptable, Marcellus, let me assure you.

 

Gia: Can't we just bring wine or coffee cake, bundt cake, any kind of cake?

 

Elijah: If this fails, the life of someone I care for deeply will be in jeopardy and that would displease me immensely.

 

Gia: I suppose you want me in a dress.

Elijah: We should adapt for our audience, yes.

Gia: And you - dark suit on the left side of your closet or [gasp] identical dark suit on the right?

Elijah: I prefer the one in the middle, thank you so much.

 

Marcel: Nothing says manly like buying a matching tea set.

 

Rebekah: Perhaps I feared I might be desperate to kiss you which I clearly can't do whilst occupying someone else's lips.

 

Finn: Your hubris truly knows no bounds.

 

Gia: You like beer?

Elijah: I'm adapting to my audience.

 

Elijah: Often victory is allowing your opponent to believe that they are triumphant until they're not.

Edited March 10, 2015 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Marcel: I thought I told you to stay put.

Rebekah: Well, I hate being told what to do so I ignored you.

 

Klaus: I sent Hayley and her poorly groomed husband off to spend the day with their werewolf brethren.

 

Klaus: You yourself said to hear [Freya] out.

Elijah: And you yourself said that would be idiocy.

Klaus: Did I? Well, that does sound like me.

 

Freya: [Dahlia] will kill anyone who would defy her.

Elijah: And yet you would defy her.

Freya: I don't have a choice. She will never let me be free. My one chance is to align with you and kill her.

Klaus: Well, now that we're all suitably motivated, let's talk specifics.

 

Jackson: You're getting faster.

Aiden: Maybe you're just getting slower.

 

Freya: [Dahlia]'s paranoid, obsessed with power. She hungers constantly for what's been denied her, be it love or revenge.

Elijah: Yes, I think I'm familiar with the type. [looks at Klaus]

 

[Cammi takes a drink]

Marcel: Cammi, if you don't want to do this-

Cammi: Of course I don't want to do this!

 

Vincent: I do not break, not for vampires and not for pretty faced whatever you are.

Cammi: Well, that's a relief. The last time we spoke, I got the feeling you were kind of obsessed with me.

 

Jackson: What about our other problem?

Hayley: You mean our evil landlord?

 

Freya; I was ruined by those who raised me. If nothing else, at least we have that in common.

 

Klaus: If she was telling the truth about being immortal, she'll awaken shortly. If she was lying, good riddance.

Elijah: Yes, of course if she wakes she'll be willing to help us with unbridled enthusiasm.

 

Klaus: Ah, you're awake. Clearly your restorative powers are not renowned for their speed.

 

Klaus: The truth is Elijah and Rebekah can be a bit naive when it comes to family relations. Case in point, their unending faith in me.

 

Klaus: You all seem to think this is a democracy. I assure you it is not.

 

Elijah: Can I help you, Niklaus? Or did you cross the river purely to critique my decor?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Klaus: I should stop packing these away. There's always a family member in need of a good shackling.

 

Hayley: And what will you be doing while we're doing all the dirty work?

Klaus: Why, tending to the even dirtier work - as usual.

 

Hayley: I'm just glad you found someone so multitalented to spend your time with.

 

Klaus: I know I can't kill you but I shall have a fine time trying. Tell me - have you ever been skinned alive?

 

Josephine: You have a wonderful way with words, really. Your cadence is pleasant. Normally I could listen to it all day long.

 

Eva: Change was necessary. Unity was necessary.

Vincent: Killing kids was necessary?

Eva: I just need their power. They don't need to die.

 

Esther: My beautiful girl, my first born.

Freya: Touch me and I will use these chains to strangle you.

Klaus: Yes, well, now that we have the pleasantries out of the way, let's begin, shall we?

 

Esther: Your child?

Klaus: Oh, yes, I suppose it is difficult keeping up on current events whilst rotting inside a tomb. Very well, the short version: my child is alive. Dahlia is on her way.

 

Marcel: I can hear [Eva] yapping but clearly she's not talking.

 

Klaus: No violence until [Esther]'s finished writing the spell, please! Honestly, it's all temper and no timing with this one. I, for one, am glad you gave her away so that I could be born. You should think of me as an upgrade.

 

Freya: For an upgraded model, you're not very sharp.

 

Klaus: I compelled you to state the truth, not state the bloody obvious.

 

Klaus: You think of turning us as your greatest sin but the truth is it's the only one of your many faults I've come to forgive. I prefer us as we are.

Esther: We are a macabre echo of a family and I take all the blame for that. I only wanted to undo my evil that you might love me again.

Klaus: My mother, the comedienne.

 

Rebekah: There's a saying in my family - kill a demon today, face the devil tomorrow.

 

Klaus: Maybe you've wormed your way into the witches' good graces and my siblings' too but I see you for what you really are, even if they cannot.

Freya: They are not burdened by crippling paranoia, the kind that leaves you muttering to yourself alone in the dark, "Where has everyone gone?" Mean of me, yes. Shouldn't bring up your childhood secrets but don't worry. All I saw when I channeled you were anger issues and a questionable taste in women.

Edited April 7, 2015 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Elijah: Children, please. Niklaus.

Freya: This spell you described, Dahlia calls it kenning, using proxies to watch her enemies from afar. But I've never seen it done on quite this scale.

Hayley: Awesome. So every hurricane chugging boob flashing tourist on Bourbon Street is a potential spy.

Davina: What do you want, Klaus?

Klaus: Perhaps I'm merely concerned about you. You do seem to spend an inordinate amount of time in graveyards for a teenager. It's a rather morbid habit.

Davina: Sorry, I'd love to help but I'm a little busy mourning another dead boyfriend.

Klaus: It seems your big bad alpha has been compromised.

Aidan: What? What happened?

Klaus: Relax, Jackson is fine. He just offered further proof of his general inadequacy.

Jackson: Running isn't a sign of weakness. It's what wolves do.

Davina: Aidan at your beck and call now?

Klaus: I'm simply mentoring a promising young wolf.

Davina: Josh isn't going to be too happy when he finds out about it.

Klaus: And I am shaking in my boots at the mere thought of his displeasure. You see, Davina, Josh and Aidan are in love which means they both have something to lose, thus making them all too easily manipulated should the need arise.

Davina: It must really suck to have to be you all the time.

Klaus: It hasn't been a picnic, honestly.

Davina: You know, thing is you have that now too, don't you? Someone you love more than anything, even yourself. How does that feel to be one of us? Someone with something to lose.

Davina: This is it. One last favor and if you don't give me [Kol]'s ashes, I swear I will-

Klaus: Davina, whatever you may think of me, I am a man of my word.

Mikael: Actually, he's a liar, a beast, and a degenerate. But in this exceptional instance, he may be of some use.

Klaus: Oh, good. You're back.

Davina: Wait, so you two are friends now?

Klaus: Absolutely not. We're merely aligned out of the necessity for the purpose we both enjoy the most: glorious murder.

[Davina rolls her eyes]

Davina: All the sources of [Dahlia]'s power bound together form a weakness. So what do you want me to do?

Klaus: Simple. Bind those ingredients to a weapon.

Davina: Well, am I supposed to go to the toy store and get a slingshot?

Mikael: Use this. [pulls out a knife]

Klaus: You just wouldn't be you if you didn't have a knife, would you?

Mikael: Well perhaps you can steal it later and dull its blade with your "art."

Freya: Dahlia will lure [Klaus and Mikael] into a trap. She prefers places of darkness. She'll be drawn to any site that's been steeped in death.

Rebekah: Well, welcome to New Orleans.

Jackson: I need to get Hayley and Hope the hell out of here tonight.

Aidan: Right under Klaus's roof? He's going to kill you.

Jackson: Klaus will kill me for leaving dishes in the sink.

Josh: Okay, look, before you say anything, I'm sorry I lied to you about my sketchy phone call with Klaus this morning. I'm a jerk. Wait, my bad. I accidentally did your side of the conversation. Let's start over. You go.

Aidan: You heard the phone call.

Josh: Uh, yeah. Vamp hearing, dude. You can turn it on and off but I'm nosy, particularly when my boyfriend is conducting secret business with the guy who, you know, murdered me on my spring break.

Aidan: I don't know what to do. Jackson's got this big escape plan with Hayley and the baby tonight and if I don't tell Klaus-

Josh: He'll cut your head off with a dull butter knife.

Aidan: But Jackson's been looking after me since we were kids. I can't just stab him in the back.

Josh: I don't know if you have a choice.

Aidan: He's part of my pack. You don't know what that's like.

Josh: You don't have to be a crescent wolf to love your friends.

Rebekah: Am I hearing things or did Nik just exchange words with our father?

Mikael: Rebekah, I'd know that wicked tongue anywhere.

Freya: This was not my plan. You rushed it and made but a single weapon. Of course she took it from you, and now we've lost what advantage we had and used up the very materials we needed to kill her.

Klaus: That's a bit histrionic. Your materials are easily found. Let's take stock, shall we? There's an ample supply of your blood. Norwegian soil is hardly scarce. What else? Ah, yes, the ashes of Dahlia's Viking oppressors.

Mikael: Only priceless relics gotten with great difficulty at a museum, lost due to your worthless strategy.

[Klaus holds a stake to Mikael's heart]

Klaus: If I feel even the faintest touch of your magic, Freya, I will end him with a flick of my wrist. [to Mikael] You don't seem surprised.

Mikael: Betrayal is in your nature, boy.

Klaus: No, I wasn't born like this. Her you fight for, lovely Freya, the daughter you barely know but there was a time when you knew me, as your son, a time before all the disappointments, the revelations of betrayal. There were moments when all you had to do was be my father and even then you despised me, didn't you? I want to know why.

Mikael: I don't know. I just did.

Klaus: Are those your final words?

Mikael: Freya, I'm so sorry. I love you.

[Klaus stakes Mikael who bursts into flames]

Klaus: Viking ashes, indeed rare, but all you really need is a burning Viking corpse.

Edited April 14, 2015 by ElectricBoogaloo

[bluebonnet]

So many great lines in this episode.  Just knew that ElectricBoogaloo would have lots of work to do!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Klaus: Is something the matter, brother? Can I fix you a drink perhaps?

Elijah: Strangely enough, Niklaus, I'm not in a mimosa mood.

Klaus: Fantastic. More for me!

 

Rebekah: It's not every day you lose your father at the hands of your brother - again.

Klaus: Who ever said opportunity only knocks once?

Elijah: ---

Klaus: Oh, come on, we all fled Mikael's tyrrany for centuries. I thought the mood this morning might be a bit more jubilant.

Elijah: Under normal circumstances, the annihilation of our father would be rather commendable, Niklaus. Unfortunately, we have a greater threat to contend with.

Klaus: You know, for someone who's been invited to a celebratory breakfast, you're proving quite the buzzkill.

Elijah: Well, Niklaus, if indeed anything has killed the buzz, as you say, perhaps it was because murdering father alienated the one person who truly knows how to defeat Dahlia.

Klaus: If Freya wants to be part of this family, she should be willing to accept us, warts and all.

 

Elijah: Freya is our blood, brother. She also has every reason to want Dahlia's demise. We have no cause to distrust her.

Klaus: Which is a far cry from being trustworthy.

 

Aiden: Klaus doesn't suspect a thing.

Josh: Oh, right! Yes, I'm sure that Klaus "color me paranoid" Mikaelson totally fell for your whole "I came across the river for Hope's bunny" ruse.

 

Elijah: Like your own, his was not a happy childhood, but art was something of a sanctuary for Niklaus. It remains so to this day.

Freya: Do you tell me this so I might sympthize with him as you do incessantly?

 

Cami: Maybe we could go for a walk. You could spend, I don't know, five seconds not obsessing about who not to trust and who you're going to murder next.

Klaus: I quite enjoy my obsessions, thank you very much.

 

Dahlia: I can assure you anything that Freya may have told you about our life together, well, she always had a flair for the dramatic.

Hayley: It seems to run in the family.

 

Klaus: I of all people know whether the parent raising you loves you or loathes you, they still form who you are. After all this time, am I not Mikael's son? And therefore is Freya not just as dangerous as Dahlia herself?

Cami: You've been talking for twenty minutes and that's the first time you brought up Mikael.

Klaus: I see no reason to dwell on the deceased.

Cami: You made an alliance with him. You fought beside him. And then you killed him.

Klaus: Yes, for the second time. Your point?

Cami: You don't have any feelings about that?

Klaus: My only feeling is a lingering sense of annoyance that he didn't stay dead the first time.

 

Josh: So after I realized that I'm spending like three hours a day on reddit, I just thought this is stupid, you know. I'm just going to start readin the Times-Picayune. I mean, even though it is like the weirdest name ever for a newspaper.

Aiden: Josh.

Josh: Huh?

Aiden: I love you.

Josh: Oh no. What are you going to do?

Aiden: Here's the thing. I am who I am. Loyalty is in my DNA but I can't live with myself if I'm spying for Klaus because I'm not cut out to be a double agent so I'm going to tell Jackson everything.

Josh: Why? Because it's so much better to be killed by Jackson than Klaus?

Edited April 21, 2015 by ElectricBoogaloo

[raytch]

You know Cami's lines sound so much better on paper

[Pollock]

ElectricBoogaloo, thank you for the quotes you post for this show and some others I follow also. Always a pleasure to read those bits!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Glad you enjoy them, Pollock!

 

Rebekah: I won't stand for this chauvinism.

Marcel: It used to be called chivalry and back then you liked it just fine.

 

Vincent: You could have just sent me a text.

Rebekah: Well, Marcel's in a very kidnappy mood this morning.

 

Cami: Have you spoken to Klaus?

Elijah: Mmm, briefly. Before I put him to sleep with a dagger, words were exchanged.

 

Rebekah: Who gets a jazz club with no bloody jazz?

 

Rebekah: I assume you told [Freya] she's out of her lunatic mind.

 

Klaus: Is this your feeble attempt to garner sympathy? To what end? No ancient plight will ever justify your intention to enslave my daughter.

[says the man who enslaved an army of hybrids and still expects everyone to do his bidding under pain of death]

 

Davina: Have you diagnosed yourself with OCD yet?

 

Klaus: So Esther was cruel. You'll excuse my complete lack of surprise. Seems it runs in the family.

 

Esther: Like you, I have been unjustly painted as the villain of the story.

 

Marcel: So given that taking out enemies is sort of Klaus's forte, you thinking about pulling that dagger out?

Elijah: Until Hope is safe, I would rather not unleash that Shakespearean rage.

 

Vincent: Magic is not a gift, Cami. In my experience, it's a loaded assault rifle with a hair trigger and I am putting my gun down.

 

Hayley: Why would [Klaus] take the blame [for killing Aiden]? Because he's stubborn and irresponsible on top of being a blood thirsty murdering lunatic.

 

Klaus: I think I'll find someone less hostile to teach [Hope]. Shouldn't be difficult. Practically anyone will fit that criteria.

Dahlia: Will you be interviewing tutors while you lie dessicated?

 

Elijah: Must we proceed with this nonsense? From what I understand you didn't fare too well against my brother.

Jackson: That's the difference between you and Klaus. You can't kill me. You're waiting for the day I die so you can take your immortal place beside Hayley. If you kill me, you lose her for good. She'll never forgive you.

 

Klaus: In my experience, an offer from a malevolent witch always comes with a catch.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Klaus: I've never been daggered. Never knew it was such an agonizing experience. It does help explain why my siblings loathe me.

 

Marcel: No offense, but are we really going to put all our eggs into one still kind of mysterious basket?

 

 

Cami: Your brother is an unstable paranoid narcissist with chronic mood issues and zero impulse control.

 

Freya: I recalled what I saw when I looked inside your mind - the day you all swore an oath to stand by one another, always and forever. There's strength in such vows.

Elijah: I can assure you, it has not been free of consequence.

Rebekah: That is an understatement. That vow's been more trouble than it's worth.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Dahlia: You're quiet. Are you having misgivings?

Klaus: I was just looking for a polite way to ask what the hell is taking so long.

 

Freya: Well, my adage holds. Nothing good ever happens in a clearing in the woods.

 

Rebekah: Nik is demented. Are we really to dig up our mother, burn her to ash, swap said ash for Kol's, and then trick Davina into using her last chance to bring someone back from the dead? Not to mention we lose the opportunity to save Kol.

Elijah: Or we dig a deep hole and leave both our problems at the bottom of it.

 

Rebekah: Isn't this lovely? Fresh air, the birds are singing in the trees. Perfect day to dig up mommy dearest's corpse.

Elijah: Perfect day to carry out the assignment of a lunatic.

 

Rebekah: Can't help but think we should use this opportunity to raise Kol and not this daft bitch.

 

Rebekah: I suppose it's a family trait. Everything we love we turn to ash.

 

Marcel: Heaven forbid one thing not be a damn secret in this family.

Freya: Yet despite your anger, here you are casting your lot with Klaus. Is that because you believe his plan's going to work?

Marcel: That is the Mikaelson paradox. You want to love and kill each other all at the same time.

 

Davina: You are all liars.

 

Klaus: I have no idea where the vile harpy has fled to.

 

Klaus: Camille, I need your help.

Cami: Hello, Klaus. Hello, Camille. Thank you so much for convincing my furious siblings to join my Machiavellian plan. Yeah, that was good times. Oh, what did you say? How is my neck? It's healed. Thank you so much for asking. Now you were saying?

 

Esther: Let me guess. You brought me back from the dead to torture me.

Elijah: We simply need your blood. Though in the event you should suffer horribly, I can't promise I won't enjoy it immensely.

Klaus: Mother, I've arrived just in time for another of your deaths!

 

Rebekah: Yes, dear mother, you do not have a choice. Then again, why should you be any different from the rest of us? We're all dancing puppets in Nik's end of days marionette show. He forces every move we make.

 

Elijah: What of Gia? Hayley?

Klaus: Collateral damage.

Elijah: You claim your actions are part of some ruse. This was punishment.

Klaus: Punishment? Whatever for? Perhaps the dagger you put in my heart.

Elijah: You brought that upon yourself. Now we have fought together for centuries and once again, to break your enemy you broke your family.

 

Vincent: You have blood right there.

Cami: Oh, yeah. My dry cleaning bill's been insane since moving back into town. Drinking in front of a baby. New all time low?

Vincent: You're the one that brought her into a bar.

 

Vincent: I'm trying to figure out why a smart, levelheaded woman such as yourself would choose to stick around a town that to my eyes seems to offer you nothing but danger.

 

Cami: Against every ounce of my better judgment, my sanity, and my common sense, turns out I have complicated feelings for a monster.

Vincent: And does this monster have complicated feelings for you?

Cami: I think it's entirely possible that he does, yeah.

Vincent: We're going to need another bottle.

 

Dahlia: Darkness isn't born, you know. It's created by the snuffing out of the light. So however you thought you might mend me, please know you never could. Whenever I looked in your eyes, I saw your mother, the sister who turned my heart to stone. With that stone, I will crush every one of her children.

Klaus: Isn't there a saying about stones and glass houses?

Rebekah: In case the analogy is lost on you, I believe my brother is calling you a hypocritical bitch.

 

Rebekah: This, dear brother, is not what happiness looks like.

Edited May 12, 2015 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Freya: [Klaus] claims a desire to amend his ways. In truth he seems utterly free of remorse.

 

Cami: The things we do on purpose, we tend to repeat.

 

Art critic: It's a derivative fiasco. Little atmosphere, less technique. The work is nothing more than a self-celebratory ego trip.

 

Guard: Hell of a spot for a picnic.

Klaus: If you can tolerate the mosquitos, it's actually rather serene. Finger sandwich?

 

Lucien: Kol was a bloody loon! I loved it! But Finn, oh, Finn. Finn was fine as long as you didn't actually have to speak to him.

 

Lucien: [Alexis] does exceptionally well on the stock market and never fails to guess the winner of the Bachelorette.

 

Vincent: That's New Orleans. Our city, our streets - not our fault but it is our problem.

 

Cami: Don't be so flippant and self absorbed! I get it, you're a vampire. It's a tortured existence. I'm sorry, but do you have to be such an insensitive disappointment?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Freya: I've been trying to get my brothers to mend fences but Elijah remains bitter and Klaus remains obstinate. Thus tequila.

 

Klaus: Freya, I'm aware that twenty first century technology remains a mystery to you but when you see my name pop up on your phone, you answer it.

 

Klaus: Mere hours after you lecture me about boundaries and here you are at my house in the middle of the night.

Cami: I came through the front door. You appeared through my window like a creeper.

 

Klaus: Are you suggesting I prove my redeemability by killing my oldest friend? Such irony.

 

Freya: Nightcap? You'll find bourbon on basically every horizontal surface.

 

Klaus: Freya! It is about time you brought a gentleman home to meet the family. I'm Freya's brother. And you are? No, don't tell me. Let me guess. Brad, Chad, Brody. Let's go with Brody. What are your intentions for my sister? Should we discuss a dowry?

 

Lucien: Your family's full of unfounded accusations today.

 

Hayley: The only way that I will stay under your roof is if I'm in a coffin.

Klaus: If you think that I will allow Hope out of my protection for a second-

Hayley: What you'll allow doesn't matter, Klaus. Welcome to a twenty first century custody battle. Moms win them now.

Elijah: If I may, the apartments across the street have recently been renovated. I might pay a visit to the management. The fact that Hope will never be out of earshot should assuage your incessant paranoia.

Klaus: So we are to listen as my daughter is raised by savages?

Jackson: Cause everyone here is so damn civilized.

 

Marcel: You're not going to get the better of Klaus by becoming him.

 

Cami: Staking out my apartment now? Something else you want to steal?

[Will hands back her laptop]

Will: All the interesting stuff was password protected. I finished up the end of the video you were watching. Lucien Castle. Highly motivating. Feeling like my best self already.

Cami: I should report you.

Will: You definitely should.

 

Freya: I suppose I was misguided to believe Hayley's return would ease tensions in this house.

Elijah: Misguided, delusional, refreshingly optimistic. You're new.

 

Freya: One by friend, one by foe, and one by family.

Edited October 16, 2015 by ElectricBoogaloo

[lion10]

Hayley:  My parents left me!  Yours turned their backs on you!  Look at us now, Klaus!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Klaus: Lucien qualifies as both friend and foe, and according to Freya's prophecy-
Elijah: We are beware of both friend and foe, but let us not forget family, Niklaus.
Klaus: Lucien's two out of three. I say we put him down just like old times.

 

Elijah: Brother, I wonder who among our family do you suppose has the greatest predeliction for betrayal?

 

Klaus: Have you finally forgiven me?
Elijah: I will consider it - when Hayley forgives you, Gia rises from the dead, and hell freezes over.

 

Cami: After all these years you continue to re-enact your trauma. You're choosing victims who are the contemporary equivalent of the privileged son who hurt you.
Lucien: I share a deeply personal tale of woe, one meant to garner sympathy and inspire kinship, yet all you take away is an admission of guilt.

 

Lucien: Let's discuss these absurd murders. If it were true that I were scattering bodies about and scarring up faces, then you'd be right to assume I'm mentally unstable. I'm not, by the way.

 

Tristan: How grandiose. I thought I was the one with the flair for the dramatic.
Elijah: Watch your tongue. I am not the patient, fun-loving social butterfly you might recall.

 

Elijah: What makes you so certain Niklaus would select Lucien over his own family?
Tristan: From what I hear, he tortured his friend Marcel, cursed the mother of his child, and burned your paramour alive in front of you, all because he thought it a logical way to defeat his enemy.

 

Cami: For the record, Vincent thinks you should kill [Lucien] but you can't execute someone without, you know, due process.
Klaus: Are we really going to have a legal debate about this?

 

Josh: Dude, is it just me or is vampire blood like a thousand times harder to get out than normal blood?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Klaus: Oh, good, it's my not so loving elder brother and my former one night stand. What a nice, normal family gathering.

 

Hayley: Whose doom are we talking about? Because if it's yours, then I think we're all okay with it.

 

Hayley: Why are they all staring at you?

Elijah: I'm kind of a big deal around here.

 

Elijah: I wanted to assemble minds curious about the world and eager to improve it, allowing them time and circumstance to do so. My desire was to create an elite brotherhood devoted to a new, better civilization. It was naive. Eventually I was forced to abandon them once I realized I'd cultivated a legion of egomaniacal sociopaths.

 

Freya: Uch, this place smells like dried blood and bad cologne.

Lucien: That's just my natural musk. I find the ladies love it.

 

Lucien: Granted we are the two most cunning, powerful, and handsome vampires of all time.

Klaus: Granted.

[Freya rolls her eyes]

 

Elijah: I suppose I shall have to intervene. It is a shame. I expect I shall ruin my tuxedo. I've had this suit for over a hundred years. It's proven far more reliable than you, Marcellus.

 

Lucien: My god, it's a room full of Elijahs.

Klaus: I had that exact same nightmare once.

 

Freya: I'm your knight in hot pink armor.

 

Klaus: I used to find it insulting that I was barred from your special little club, but now I realize I lack the flexibility to become a member. I could never get my head far enough up my own ass.

 

Mohindu: There's no shame in dying at the hands of one's superior.

Marcel: There's not much glory in it either.

 

Mohindu: You fought with honor. Embrace the nobility of this end.

Marcel: I will if you will.

 

Marcel: When do I learn the secret handshake? Wait, do you guys know who killed JFK?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Cami: So there is an active serial killer at large and the city's response is to throw a serial killer themed festival.

 

Hayley: I'll keep you alive. But if you wear that awful orange scarf, you'll wish that I hadn't.

 

Vincent: Everybody likes a charismatic killer. You and me know that better than most.

 

Lucian: You do know I was cleared of suspicion by real detectives.

 

Hayley: Not a fan of goats, huh?

Davina: I love goats. But do you know how many of them I've had to sacrifice? Just once I'd like to get a gift card. And you know what I really hate?

Hayley: That choker scarf?

Davina: This choker scarf!

 

Hayley: If you're going to wear old lady choker scarves, you're going to get old lady goats.

 

Marcel: I'm not blowing my cover just because you heard a guy's heart skip.

 

Vincent: Why didn't you tell me about this before?

Cami: Oh yeah. "Hey, Vincent, you want to check out my creepy collection of black magic knickknacks?"

 

Klaus: You speak to me of enemies when the greatest traitor of my life stands before me.

 

Klaus: You knew that your secret betrayal was the cause of everything I became.

 

Elijah: All this BLAME! Have you ever looked at yourself? I have carried you for centuries, Klaus. No more. You want a fight? So be it.

Edited November 6, 2015 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

 Lucien: A cold blooded killer - Camille, what a shocking turn of the cards!

 

Freya: You seem more annoyed than usual.

 

Freya: [Aurora]'s aligned with her brother. What chance does Nik have?

Elijah: None. Still, Niklaus believes she can be swayed, although his perspective of family loyalty is schizophrenic at best.

 

Rebekah: Not only did you slit my throat but you stole my bloody phone.

 

Klaus: So you choose to ally with the brother who locked you in a prison and the stable boy who was until now so far beneath you.

 

Hayley: You might remember him from that pretentious excuse for a party.

Marcel: According to Tristan, he was a torture consultant for Genghis Khan.

Hayley: I don't care if he's a gemini who likes long walks on the beach, Marcel.

 

Cami: How are you holding up?

Kinney: I'm gushing blood into a bucket because the vampire who kidnapped us doesn't want to stain his floor, so....pretty great.

 

Elijah: Marcellus, next time I ask you take out the trash, try not to dally.

 

Freya: I suppose arguing with you would be a waste of already precious time.

Rebekah: See? Fitting into this family like a glove.

 

Lucien: Are you trying to appeal to my merciful side? Because I don't have one.

Edited November 13, 2015 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Hayley: In the mean time, please tell me that we're going to kill someone.

Elijah: Oh, we will kill many someones.

 

Elijah: Am I to assume you've gone completely mad?

Klaus: You see madness. I see method.

Elijah: And that method would be what, Niklaus? To fornicate with the she devil who took our sister?

Klaus: To be clear, the Strix took our sister. Aurora simply hijacked her. I will get Rebekah back, trust me. Keeping Aurora close garners the good will we need.

Elijah: Well, it is a bold if somewhat lecherous plan. Will you employ the same tack when it comes time to retrieve the medallion from Lucien and Tristan?

Klaus: They're not really my type.

 

Lucien: Something wrong?
Cami: Should I make a list? You tortured Detective Kinney, gave him a compulsion lobotomy, not to mention you're holding me against my will. And using up all of my minutes. I mean, I appreciate your dead witch's hand me downs and remembering to feed me, but did you really think I was just going to smile and eat up?

Lucien: Think of all the poor people who are starving in, well, somewhere. Let me ask - are you more likely to tell Vincent that you're drowning in a tub of bourbon or awash in a sea of chardonnay?

Cami: Go to hell.

Lucien: Bourbon it is.

 

Lucien: Anton, if you should not hear from me by nightfall, go ahead and kill [Cami] but do it quickly. Oh, and for godssakes, don't ask if she has any final words. You'll be here through the weekend.

 

Lucien: It's a bit odd, isn't it? Celebrating an American holiday?

Elijah: Well, you know, Lucien, I rather enjoy Thanksgiving. The turkey, the cranberry sauce, the lies, the deceit, the betrayal.

Aurora: So this entire dinner is meant to be some boorish inquisition? How rude.

 

Elijah: Oh, my dear. These pathetic lies promise to be as difficult to swallow as your stuffing this year, Niklaus. Walnuts, honestly.

 

Cami: Seriously? Football? You're a vampire!

Anton: Shut up and get me a beer.

 

Lucien: Well, this all escalated very quickly.

 

Aurora: i haven't felt pain since the 1700s. Kinda tickles.

 

Anton: I thought I told you to sit still.

Cami: No, you told me to drink. So I drink.

 

Cami: How much do you know about Klaus Mikaelson? Because the chances of Lucien coming back are kind of slim.

Anton: You better hope you're wrong or you might not make it through the night.

Cami: Oh, I don't think you want to hurt me. See, Klaus is the most ruthless vampire in all of history, and guess what? He kind of likes me. So maybe you should be the one worrying about whether or not you make it through the night.

Anton: You're a bad drunk.

[Cami smashes a beer bottle in his face and chops off his finger]

Cami: I think I'm a pretty good drunk.

[mac123x]

Elijah: Oh, my dear. These pathetic lies promise to be as difficult to swallow as your stuffing this year, Niklaus. Walnuts, honestly.

 

I blurt laughed at that.  His delivery was perfect.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Freya: You're still upset I tortured Aurora without your permission.

Elijah: Oh, Freya, I'm obscenely fond of torture but yes, when I'm entertaining I like to be the one to choose precisely when and how we violate the guests.

 

Elijah: Destroy his body, infiltrate the mind, and steal the information we need.

 

Hayley: Which one of you will take Hope while I take my anger out on this pompous dick?

 

Lucian: Not a fan of knocking, are we?

Klaus: I afford courtesy to those in my good graces. You've fallen short.

 

Klaus: You put [Cami] in danger.

Lucian: I put her in protective custody. Her decision to leave was rather ill-advised.

 

Klaus: Aurora has neither the means nor the will to harm me.

Lucian: So you say, yet she is a vindictive lunatic.

 

Aurora: The internet is such a marvel!

 

Aurora: What do you think the overlap is between us? Is it crazy brothers? Yours was quite mad and mine, well, Tristan. I love him but he can be a bit daft sometimes. You know he likes to have be committed every so often, hoping to cure my more eccentric predispositions. Thanks to him, I've been plunged into ice baths, bled for melancholia, and exorcised for demons five, no, six times.

 

Aya: Such hubris. Surprising given your lack of accomplishments.

 

Aurora: The frail little human that [Klaus] has manipulated, abused, and compelled to be everything from stenographer to spy.

Edited February 20, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo