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CletusMusashi

GoT Jokes?

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I mean, obviously, most of the threads here contain jokes. But I'm talking about real, old-school, formulaic jokey-jokes.

How many Lannisters does it take to screw a lightbulb?

Lots of them, but Cersei isn't the brightest lightbulb...

:Knock, knock."  Who's there?" "Arya." "Arya who?"

"Arya gonna to give me one of those chickens, or do I have to stick Needle in your eye?"

Why is King Joffrey like a sandwich?

Because he's in bread.

Heard any others?

Edited by CletusMusashi
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The punch lines aren't actual spoilers, just a way of telling the joke

Why is Daenerys still in Essos?

She's dragon ass

How many Half Men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None.  Even Tyrion's too tall to screw in a lightbulb

Why don't the Unsullied play games?

They've got no balls

What did Drogo's one night stand tell him the day after?

Khal me

Why is little Theon still so stiff?

What is dead may never die

Why was Jon Snow remorseful?

He's had Ygrittes.

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Once again, punch lines are in spoiler tags, but no actual spoilers

When did the rumor start that Daenerys was a man?

When she got her drag on

Why do people say Joffrey loved Magaery?

He choked-up at the reception

Why are the Brotherhood no longer welcome at the inn?

They left a big hot pie

What did Merle from The Walking Dead say to a Walker?

Wight Power

What did Bolton's bannerman say when Jaime was thirsty?

Urine luck.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get the fuck away from the Hound, obviously

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I am embarrassed to admit that I liked some of these:

(especially the Jon Snow one.)

Oh, what the hell. As long as I'm here...

Knock, knock. Who's there? Pycelle. Pycelle who?

Pie selling a lot cheaper since that wedding fiasco.

Edited by CletusMusashi
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Why do people pinch their nose around Bran?

He has a strong Hodor about him



Why doens't Oberyn take it personally when people tell him tough luck?

They keep telling him to pound sand



Why do Iron Islanders refuse to pay the gold price?

They're pyrite



Why did Ramsay pretend to free Theon?

It was another snow job

.

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Gems stolen from tumblr:

 

What does Roose Bolton say if someone falls down the stairs?

"The bannisters send their regards."

 

Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?

When they put two twins together, they make a king.

 

How many Starks does it take to change a light bulb?

3. 1 to angst about the honor of changing a light bulb and the duty to do so, 1 to screw a light bulb from Volantis instead, and 1 to warn Queen Cersei first so she can install her own, evil light bulb.

 

Why did Ygritte think Jon Snow had some sexual experience?

He told her about the Fist of the First Men.

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Wow.

 

ETA: OK, I've got one.

 

How does Robin keep up on current events?

 

Lysa keeps him abreast.

Edited by CletusMusashi
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What did Danaerys say to the masters of Mereen?

I'm getting very cross with you.

 

What was the final proof that Lysa was crazy?

She fell for Littlefinger.

 

What was Tyrion's main job responsibility as Master of Sewers?

Slapping the shit out of Joffrey.

Edited by CletusMusashi

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Well, since he didn't get any screen time this week, I'm at least giving him a joke:

What did The Hound say to the Braavosi sausage vendor?

What the fuck's salami?

 

ETA:

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Jon Arryn." "Jon Arryn who?"

"Jon Arryn out for a while after The Hound used it."

Edited by CletusMusashi

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Three lords walk into a tavern-- a Stark, a Martell, and a Lannister.

They order ale, but when the barkeep brings them over, each of them finds a fly in his cup.

The Stark punishes the barkeep for failing in his duty.

The Martell shows the barkeep how to prevent flies from ending up in the cup and then makes mad passionate love to
him all night long.

The Lannister brutally murders the barkeep, the barkeep's family and everyone in the surrounding villages.

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Three holy men walk into a bar, a Faceless Man, a Red Priest and the High Septon.

They order wine but when the barkeep brings them over each finds a fly in the cup

The High Septon charges the barkeep with heresy and his him tried before seven septons.

The Faceless man assassinates the barkeep, takes his face and pours himself a flyless cup of wine. 

The Red Priest resurrects the fly with the light of the Lord and calmly downs the glass.

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2 Khals walk into a bar...

Each orders a mug of goat blood but each mug has a fly in it.

Khal #1 is so enraged that he did not get an extra fly as a show of respect,,,he kills the bartender

Khal #2 takes advantage of the distraction to steal the fly from Khal #1 

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The Mountain, The Hound, and The Viper walk into a bar. Blah blah blah, order wine, yadda yadda, each one discovers a fly.

The Mountain crushes it like a beetle, goes into a 'roid rage, and massacres everyone on the left.

The Hound quaffs his drink obliviously, says something about chickens, and massacres everyone on the right.

The Viper drinks his wine, smiles, and begins to unzip the fly...

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As always, no actual spoilers, just punchlines in the spoilers.

Why does Jaime suspect Cersei cheated on him?

Spoiler

She blew everyone in town

Why doesn't anyone like Arya's cooking?

Spoiler

She's all thumbs in the kitchen.

Why do people love the Tyrells?

Spoiler

They're a blast

Why do people think Tommen was nervous on the day of the trial?

Spoiler

He was a little jumpy

Edited by Constantinople
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On 14/4/2014 at 3:08 AM, CletusMusashi said:

I mean, obviously, most of the threads here contain jokes. But I'm talking about real, old-school, formulaic jokey-jokes.

How many Lannisters does it take to screw a lightbulb?

Lots of them, but Cersei isn't the brightest lightbulb...

:Knock, knock."  Who's there?" "Arya." "Arya who?"

"Arya gonna to give me one of those chickens, or do I have to stick Needle in your eye?"

Why is King Joffrey like a sandwich?

Because he's in bread.

Heard any others?

1

Yup you are right

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What would Jaime Lannister do if he'd taken the throne instead of Cersei?

Spoiler

King Jaime's first act would be to find a new King's Hand.

How did Olly feel on the scaffold, after the mutiny against Jon failed?

Spoiler

He had no rygrittes.

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Why were viewers confused by Missandei and Greyworm's sex scene?

Spoiler

Everyone thought Missandei was the cunning linguist

Sorry, couldn't resist

As always, no spoilers, just using the spoiler tag to hide the punchline.

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(This is a terrible joke worthy of a 13yo. I apologize in advance.)
Why did people keep thinking that the sea can't stop the white walkers?
 

Spoiler

They must have heard that Winter would be cumming onboard Dany's ship.

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To the tune of "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas:"

I want a bunch of elephants to kill with
Only a bunch of elephants will do
Ships bring no glee, nor does the cavalry
I want a bunch of elephants to crush the enemy
I want a bunch of elephants to kill with
I don't care if the rebels mind, do you?
I guess they need a saddle but they never need a shoe
To tromp over my enemies and stomp them into poo
I can see them in our final season
Marching everywhere
And my revenge will be so sweet
When I look beneath their feet
To see my traitor brothers trampled there
I want a bunch of elephants to kill with
Only a bunch of elephants will do
No hairy wolves, no fugly dragons
Those only side with Starks and slut Targaryans!
With elephants my house could have friends too!
Qyburn says that elephants cost a lot to feed
Mountain says a horsey's not cut out to be his steed
There's lots of room for them to poop on the dead sparrow's lawn
And if they see a shame nun they'll just poop on her and yawn
I can see them crushing wights and dragons
Trumpeting with joy
And they will be so great
While I use this dumb pirate
To legitimize my third incest boy
I want a bunch of elephants to kill with
Only a bunch of elephants will do
Why form alliances with tact and/or intelligence?
I'd rather kill everyone with elephants!
And, frankly, Mountain just wants one to screw!

Edited by CletusMusashi

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I wish I could do something more season-appropriate. For example:

Here come Cersei's elephants

Stomping down the dumb peasants

Never mind that the damn Night King's on his way...

Unfortunately, a few Easters ago that Peter Cottontail thing was so extensively re-imagined by a lady on the Walking Dead forum that I can't even hear the original in my head any more, so it would feel like doing a parody of a parody. 

I do hope the writers get into the spirit of the season, though. Kind of like when Tyrion gave Tywin a shiny new crossbow bolt for Father's day. Maybe it'll turn out the dragons hid some eggs. Or they have to infiltrate the Night King's army by hiding inside a large wooden rabbit, because the large wooden badger was not available. Or maybe The Hound will actually have to Family-Guy-style battle a fucking roomful of giant fucking marshmallow fucking chickens. 

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