Crazy Quotes: Body Rolls Are Hard

[possibilities]

15 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Scott: Babe, do we have stamps?
Paula: I don't know. Did you buy any?

Ah yes, the humor comes from the rage.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Heather: [Valencia] hates you.
Rebecca: No, she doesn't. She thinks she does.

Heather: You just want someone who will yammer about Josh with you all day long because with me every time you mention Josh, I make you give me five dollars. By the way, you owe me three hundred dollars.

Rebecca: If Valencia and I hate each other, then that means Josh wins.
Paula: Wins what?

Rebecca: I eat muffins three times a day. It's NBD for me but for you it's a big old cry for help.

Rebecca: Wow, a shirt with sleeves. Are you meeting the President?

Darryl: The Electric Mesa - it's the San Gabriel Valley version of Burning Man.

Valencia: Can you stop talking about my weight? I get it. I'm a ginormous 6 junior 5/7 so just shut up about it.

Valencia: The best thing about this is-
Rebecca: I know, we saw each other's vaginas!
Valencia: What? No.

Darryl: I don't belong here. This is for young people and all of Josh's really old boyfriends.

Darryl: It turns out Josh is really into old guys. Yeah, it's practically a fetish.
Rebecca: Okay, well, let's not knock someone for a fetish. Some people like being choked by red licorice. I'm not saying who but I think you know it's me.

Heather: Hey, bitch. I heard you peed on some stuff. I always knew I kind of liked you. You're basic but in an enjoyable way.

Edited November 19, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Valencia: You talk about pooping a lot.

Trent: What's up, Hector and White Josh?
White Josh: How'd you know our names?
Hector: Yeah, have we met?
Trent: Oh, I called you White Josh because you're a white person who looks like Josh. And obviously I called you Hector because I'm racist. Yeah, that's right.

Rebecca: I am not forcing. I am aggressively facilitating.

[PatternRec]

On 11/19/2016 at 4:17 AM, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Darryl: It turns out Josh is really into old guys. Yeah, it's practically a fetish.
Rebecca: Okay, well, let's not knock someone for a fetish. Some people like being choked by red licorice. I'm not saying who but I think you know it's me.

Haha did you catch at the end of the most recent episode when she's in bed with Trent and she's holding a piece of red licorice and tosses it out of the bed? 

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Hipster barista: One semi-petite latte with organic coconut milk. And you, sir?
Josh: Just coffee for me, dude.

Anna: Taylor loves this place. She brought me here with Lena, Kara, Gwynnie, Selena, and Uzo. All really great girls, except Uzo is a little bit of a name dropper.
Josh: I can't believe you know all these famous just from tweezing their eyebrows at your salon.
Anna: Well, it's not always about the tweezing. Sometimes it's about not tweezing. Sometimes I send my clients on six month growth retreats. It's all about the bold brow right now. The bigger, the better.
Josh: Oh, like the dad in American Pie!
Anna: Eugene Levy! Yes, totally! He's all over the salon inspiration board.
Josh: Before I met you, I didn't even know eyebrows were like a big deal.

Anna: You're so refreshing. I'm so tired of these skinny bearded hipsters.
Josh: Thank goodness I'm not skinny or hip or able to grow a beard.

Josh: Whoa! That foam has a lady's face!
Anna: Frida Kahlo. Well done, Ichabod. That is my girl right there. Talk about brows. I wish I had her hormone imbalance.

Valencia: The internet is so much more fun now that it's a Josh Chan-free zone. I am so glad we unfollowed him.
Rebecca: Omigawd, me too.
Heather: You both unfollowed him? You really stuck it to him, huh?

Rebecca: It's just an internet quiz to figure out what Tom Hanks movie my hairstyle is today.

Heather: You guys miss Coolio?

Valencia: Omigawd, who is that?
Rebecca: What?
Valencia: Nothing, I just always forget which Kardashian is which.
Heather: Okay, describe her for me. Is she the tall one, the naked one, or the mom one? Cause if you're talking about the model one or the lip one, those are Jenners.

Rebecca: Jenners. Jumanji. Robin Williams.
Valencia: Williams. Willie Wonka. I want candy.
Heather: Are you both high right now?

Heather: I knew you guys didn't miss Coolio.

Rebecca: Anna Hicks? No one has that name. That's like the romantic lead in an Adam Sandler movie.

Valencia: There's no way Josh could land someone that cool. What could she possibly see in Josh Chan?
Rebecca: I have literally no idea what he has to offer to someone like this.
Heather: You both dated him.
Rebecca: Yeah, but we're mortals and she's like a fairy angel. What could she see in a guy from West Covina who still wears stitchy jeans?
Valencia: And supermarket store flip flops.
Rebecca: And lives with his mother.
Valencia: Yeah, he's the worst! I once saw him bite off a toenail.
Rebecca: He is very flexible and strong.

Rebecca: Let's Thelma and Louise this thing!
Heather: Thelma and Louise drove off a cliff so...be careful.

Valencia: Josh's girlfriend is a stone cold narco!
Rebecca: I guess it makes sense. You can't pay gentrified commercial rent by plucking forehead hair.
Valencia: We have to tell Josh. There's no way he'll figure it out. Let's face it - not the smartest.
Rebecca: No, no, no. He's not so bright. He once told me his favorite animal was Antarctica.
Valencia: Thinks eau de toilette is called that because-
Rebecca and Valencia: "Oh, it's from a toilet."

Valencia: Josh gave her flowers? The only time he got me flowers was prom night - blue carnations from a gas station. From a bucket. And in return, I gave him my virginity.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Paula: Scott is-
Rebecca: GAY! I knew it! I knew it. I always knew it. I didn't say anything. That's on me.
Paula: He had sex with Tanya from work.
Rebecca: Why would he have sex with Tanya if he's gay?

Paula: It's what my father always told me - that if I ever tried to make something of myself that no man would want me and just the minute that I try to pursue my dreams, my husband "accidentally" falls into another woman's vagina.

Josh: This is THE new hangout in the San Gabriel Valley.
Anna: Oh, is that where we are? I thought this was the Inland Empire.
Josh: A common mistake, but no. It's the San Gabes Valls, babe.

Tommy: [Brendon] left again. I found this note taped to the mannequin under his sheets. "Hopped a Greyhound cross country. Be back when I run out of the money I took from mom's purse."

Rebecca: FYI - boobs are really just sacs of yellow fat so not worth the whole obsession.

[Tommy sees a sign of Heather as Miss Douche]
Tommy: Why is your friend on a sign for the thing my mom calls my dad?

Rebecca: OMG, it's my ex. Okay, this is really awkward because the last time I saw him, I peed on all of his stuff.
Tommy: Up top!

Tommy: Omigawd, can you just stop talking? I'm trying to look at boobs.
Rebecca: Thomas no idea what your middle name is Proctor, is this an adult themed publication?
Tommy: You gave me five months' allowance and no guidelines.
Rebecca: Okay, so Tommy, you're not in trouble but I think it's important that you know that pornography does not accurately reflect adult sexual behavior.
Tommy: Do you always make these big speeches?
Rebecca: Yes, I do.
Tommy: Oh, man.
Rebecca: So let's put it this way - pornography is to sex as superhero movies are to seventh grade. Do you get what I'm saying?
Tommy: Yeah. You're saying that seventh grade is going to be awesome!

Josh: I gotta get a selfie with the soup and tag her. Can you take [the picture]?
Alex: I can but then it's not a selfie.
Josh: It's a picture with myselfie so it's a selfie. How do you not see that?
Alex: Got me there, bro.

Rebecca: I made a promise to your mom that I would take care of you and I take that responsibility very seriously so I'm not leaving you home alone. Now come on, let's go get you a fake ID so we can go clubbing.

Cocktail waitress: Soju?
Rebecca: Excuse me?
Cocktail waitress: SOJU.
Rebecca: So Jew? Okay, sieg heil, bitch!

[Rebecca spots the Spiders' sign]
Rebecca: Oh, look, the sign's grammatically correct!
Cocktail waitress: No, actually Mr. Spiders went into business with his brother Dr. Spiders so it's actually Spiderseses.
Rebecca: Actually that's a common misconception about how plural possessive works but nice try, Himmler.

Rebecca: [Anna] can't know that I'm here.
Tommy: Why not?
Rebecca: Okay, I accidentally almost killed her cat and she thinks my name is Madge and that I live in Silverlake.

Heather: Okay, calm down. Why are you wearing those ironic mom half sneakers?

Rebecca: How many times must I sit in a bathroom and listen to Josh Chan have sex with another woman?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rebecca: How dare you? If you want to know sexual details about me, you have to employ me first.

Rebecca: You know, sometimes you just gotta say to the wife, "Maybe you should get a job. Then you can tell me not to go to strip clubs." Am I right?

Josh: Blah blah puka shells, blah blah karate, blah blah blah sleeping in my old twin bed, blah blah intensive purposes.

Karen: Just do it! I can't take it anymore! Do with me what you will. Fire me, throw me out, cover me in honey and blindfold me. My safe word is penis.
Darryl: I heard someone yell, "Penis!" What's wrong, Karen?

Nathaniel: You are surprisingly nimble.

Paula: Nathaniel has a terrible peanut allergy and Rebecca is trying to stab him with an epi-pen.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rebecca: #statusupdate #itsfacebookofficial
Josh: Rebecca, leave it to the professional! #fromthemountaintops #everafter #doublerainbows #merrilymerrilymerrilylifeisbutadream

Heather: You know, studies have shown that couples who post a lot on social media are often insecure about their attachment.
Rebecca: Heather, did you just look that up?
Heather: No, I actually started with a hypothesis and then I backed it up with a vox article. It's standard scientific method.

Nathaniel: It's not a real workout unless your body's convinced it's being chased by a lion.
Rebecca: That sounds factual.

Valencia: I had to take a few days once I heard about you and Josh.
Rebecca: I wanted to make sure you're okay.
Valencia: It's not my favorite thing, you guys being a couple, but I'm okay.
Rebecca: And are we okay? The answer doesn't have to be yes.
Valencia: Good, because the answer is eh.

Rebecca: Love protects you, so the things that used to annoy me about going home won't annoy me anymore. Josh is like a blankie, a suit of armor, a bulletproof vest.
Valencia: Honey, just because Josh Chan owns all those things doesn't mean he is all those things. He's not magic.

Josh: You know Rebecca's mother doesn't like me. Ar parents' weekend at camp, she asked me if I had pierced her daughter's hymen. And I told her no, Rebecca showed up to camp with those earrings!
Father Brah: Wow.
Josh: What if people don't like me? What if i say the wrong thing? What if an old person calls me oriental?
Father Brah: Look, Josh, I'm a man of God and I try to believe the best about everyone, but if you think you're going to make it through a whole weekend with a bunch of 70 year olds and not get called an oriental, you're out of your everloving mind.

Father Brah: Josh, do you think you're defining yourself through your relationship?
Josh: You define yourself by your relationship to Jesus.

Naomi: I forgot you were bringing the oriental.

Naomi: Becky, do you know what Torah portion they gave Skyler? The one with the menstruation and the lepers.
Rebecca: The one that cousin Stewie got when he talked about his sister's Kotex!

Nathaniel: Our work needs to be Ivy League and right now it's Arizona State.
Jim: Go Sundevils!

Paula: I can't work on Saturday. I've got the kids all day.
Maya: I'm supposed to do an escape room with my college roommate. Some of you may know her - Zosia Mamet.
George: My adult ceramics class is finally going to glaze.

Jim: Nathaniel made us throw out the candy. He said it was disgusting, it impacts productivity, and it's a tumor waiting to happen.

Naomi: Don't yell at me in front of the oriental. They're a very peaceful people.

Josh: In my family, we don't talk about poop. I had to learn about it by watching an episode of 90210.

Audra: Rebecca Nora Bunch.
Rebecca: Audra Esther Levine.
Josh: Joshua Felix Chan.

Josh: You know what they say - it's not how long you last, it's how big your penis is.

Rebecca: Hey, remember when I had sex with your husband? As he finished, he called me mom. Have fun unpacking that. Mazel tov!

Josh: This guy is the best! Turns out we both love Dave Matthews Band! We should all go skiing in Mammoth!
David: Totally!

Darryl: Skittle me this - what is the best way to get back at a sugar dictator?

Nathaniel: I can see you. There are slats here. Have you ever hidden before?

Paula: I did it. It was me. I got the Snickers.
Tim: And I got the Skittles.
Jim: I got the Milk Duds.
Maya: I got the Toblerone.
George: And I brought gummi vitamins.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Karen: I have eyelash specific alopecia. You know that.

Darryl: You guys got engaged so fast! But I think if you know, why wait?
Mrs. Hernandez: Maybe because making permanent commitment to someone is not to be taken lightly.
Rebecca: Wow, so this is our thing now? You just say insulting things in a calm voice and I'm supposed to take it? Awesome.

Darryl: I wasn't eavesdropping. I was actually listening actively from afar.

Rebecca: Periods are code blue because blue is the color of the liquid they use in tampon commercials because men hate that women bleed.

Paula: You need to stay away from him as much as possible. And whatever you do, do not get stuck in a small space with Nathaniel.
Rebecca: Wait, why would I do that?
Paula: You wouldn't mean to but that is exactly what happens in rom-coms. Good looking people who hate each other but secretly have the hots for each other - they are always getting stuck in snowy cabins and bank vaults and the trunk of a car. It's happened to Reese Witherspoon like eight times.

Nathaniel: When people say that they're Ravenclaw, they really think that they're Gryffindor but they don't want to sound too braggy.

Rebecca: You're totally a Slytherin.
Nathaniel: I'm not ashamed of that. Slytherin are proud, cunning, ambitious.
Rebecca: And evil, which actually totally fits you.

Nathaniel: You can't be with Cedric if you're already with Ron.
Rebecca: Stop talking dirty.

Rebecca: Your dream is coming true!
Josh: Are they doing a remake of Chuck Norris's Sidekick?

Edited January 21, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Naomi: Help you with your wedding? Did you help me with my wedding? No, you just sat in my uterus giving me heartburn and making me look like a big fat pig.

Rebecca; I reached out to my mother from another mother.

Sunil: Ah, look, if it isn't the ingenue beset by tragedy.
Rebecca: Oh, and if it isn't the plotting understudy just waiting in the wings with a bag of marbles.

Rebecca: Plenty of dum dums plan perfectly good weddings all the time!

Rebecca: DIY makes [a wedding] so much easier!
Heather: It's the opposite.
Rebecca: All I need to do is pick up some twinkle lights, some burlap sacks, some mason jars, more mason jars. A lot of mason jars. Wow, they have mason jars for everything like candles and cocktails and succulents and lightning bugs.

Valencia: I make my own candles so rooms smell like me even when I'm not in them.

Josh: Clearly you didn't see me dunking on Jimmy earlier.
Sara: He's eleven AND we lowered the hoop.

Josh: I came up with the hashtag BunchofChans.
Father Brah: That's a goodass hashtag.

Nathaniel: I couldn't find any place in this stupid town to make [this smoothie] correctly so I made it myself. It's got spinach, kale, cauliflower, Thai mung beans.

Nathaniel: I don't believe in sick. If it's not cancer, you come to work. In fact, most cancers are a half day.

Josh: I want to wear a forest green tux. It's my favorite color.
Rebecca; Oh, so, Dustin wore a 1930s high waisted vintage tux that had a tear in it that he patched over with a piece of gabardine from his father's wedding suit, so I'm sorry, I went online today and I got you a vintage tux with a hole in it that I'm going to patch over with a swatch from your father's radiology scrubs.
Josh: What about my idea for a Sugar Ray cover band, Splenda Ray?
Rebecca: So funny, I got your text about that but Dust and Sash, they had a jug band with a guy on the spoons and another guy on the washboard and there's just a lady who hums and so I already went on Craigslist today and posted an ad for a hummer. I've gotten a lot of responses.

Nathaniel: That is the sound of my body defeating fat.

Nathaniel: Are you supposed to wash kale before you put it in a smoothie? I'm just asking for a friend.

Nathaniel: It's like my dad always said - if you're not missing a leg, you walk it off. If you are missing a leg, you limp it off. And if you're missing two legs, thank you for your service and here's a quarter.

Nathaniel: I don't nap. I'm a man.
Darryl: What? Napping is manly. Bears nap for months. What could be more manly than a bear?
Nathaniel: A lion? It's like my dad says - naps are for children, the elderly, and weaklings.
Jim: Your dad has a saying about naps?
Tim: Hey, your old man isn't here. You can do whatever you want!
Darryl: That's right! Your dad's not here and we are and we're telling you - you don't need to take a nap like a little baby. You can take a nap like a man. Take a man nap!

Heather: I need wines. Do you have wines?

Mr. Plimpton: What is this suit? You look like an unsuccessful oil tycoon.

Rebecca: I give up. I'm just going to have to accept the fact that Josh and I are going to have an F- wedding at an A+ venue which means it'll be a C which everyone knows is actually an F.

Josh: What are you wearing? You look like the guest of honor at a park ranger gala. That tux goes in the garbage along with the weird vintage tux Rebecca ordered.

Heather: Is it going to be weird for you to see your never-in-laws?
Valencia: Heather, I'm a professional. Also they kind of treated me like ass. Baby food jars are the new mason jars! Aren't they the cutest?

Rebecca: You know, usually when someone poops their pants, they gain a little bit of humility.

Edited January 28, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Josh: You just called me Robert.
Rebecca: No, I didn't. I'm sorry. I was just thinking about work. We have a new client - um, Robert. Julia Roberts. Yeah she's a single mom investigating water contamination. Oh yeah. Real spitfire, short skirts, nice smile, really pretty woman.

Darryl: I feel like I'm the marshmallow holding this rice krispy treat together.

Darryl: It has your couple name: ReJoshecca ChaBunch.
White Josh: We started with something more complicated and whittled it down.

Josh: I've always thought it was so cool how you made the ultimate commitment and married Jesus. Did you worry before you did that? Did Jesus ever give you any reason to have doubts?
Father Brah: No. That day I joined the seminary in San Luis Obispo, when Father Rodrigo welcomed me with open arms, I just felt at peace with my decision, man. I never questioned it.
Josh: That's great. It must have felt amazing.
Father Brah: It did. It really did, man. It really balances out the fact that I don't bone.

Rebecca: Can you please? It's my rehearsal dinner.
Naomi: Right. Planned by your fiance's ex-girlfriend. Brilliant.

Valencia: Tell the caterer these [glasses] need to be hand buffed. This is a special day, not a fricking hootenanny.

Rebecca: I'm really glad that you're somehow becoming nicer but it's also kind of boring.

Josh: My fiance has become a bit of an enigma. That means mystery.
Sara: Thank you for that.
Josh: Sorry, I don't know what people know what words.

Naomi: Robert? He was our dog. I named him after Redford.

Naomi: Josh, Rebecca does not need this right now. She's madly in love with you and the one thing that she does not need is an indecisive kid with the jitters, so forget it. Apology accepted.

Father Brah: Hey, are you ready to go? We should get rolling. You know how it is getting to the beach - two hours, four hours in traffic, six hours in the rain. What's happening with your torso, man? That is some seriously mopey massaging.

Trent: It took me a while to find a big enough "top secret" stamp at the craft store.

Silas: Where's your plane?
Nathaniel: Yeah, right. Have fun flying coach, dick.

[bettername2come]

Catching up on season 2 on Netflix:

Rebecca: Josh, it was just a dream. Greg's not a falcon.

Josh: Okay, how do you know? You haven't seen him in a month!

 

White Josh: Good job, you horny monsters! Oh, I'm sorry, did that sound judgy? GOOD!

Edited February 11, 2017 by bettername2come

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Darryl: Maybe we need help. Maybe we need to see a therapist.
White Josh: Or you could just stop [talking about having kids].

Heather: I'm thinking about becoming a life coach or maybe a mime.

Valencia: I just put body makeup on a guy's butt crack. He's very sweaty. It took forever. He smells like pencil shavings and vinegar.

Darryl: I'm a catch. Start acting like it.

White Josh: I have been a little judgey of you. My friends all say I'm judgey but I never listen to them or care what they say because they're stupid idiots.

Valencia: That is one of things that I am really mad at Josh about. He turned the smartest person I know into a sad wannabe porn star.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Josh: Dope church!

Josh: Father, I've come here to this holy place to join my brethren and walk the halls of divinity as God shines his light on me.
Father Rodrigo: Oh, boy. We've got a Maria here.
Josh: What?
FR: Son, have you been considering the priesthood for a long time?
Josh: Oh, yeah. The whole drive up here from Malibu today, and there was a sigalert.

Paula: I wish I could see the look on [Josh's] face in twelve to fifteen months when a judge hits him with a six to eight hundred dollar fine.
Rebecca: Wait, six to eight hundred dollars? That's like a pair of shoes.
Paula: Maybe for you, bitch.

Rebecca: You know when you eat a whole bag of iced ginger snaps but then you're like, "What? There's still a hole inside me!" so then you move on to shoplifting and the next thing you know, you're in your dorm surrounded by unitards and fuzzy pillows from Urban Outfitters and the hole's still there? It feels like that.
Paula: That's why you have so many unitards? I was more of a lipstick and sambuca shoplifter myself back in the day.

Tim: Hey, Maya! Catching up on all the best ways to get a peach shaped booty?
Maya: No, because I love myself and I don't purchase any periodicals which engage in bodyshaming.

Tim: I'm a king in the boudoir. Every woman I've ever had sex with has obviously orgasmed every time - especially my wife.
Maya: And you know that because?
Tim: Because when we're having sex in our favorite position - I'm on top going a mile a minute - we always gloriously finish at the exact same time every time.
Paula: Tim, you have never given your wife an orgasm - ever. Not even once.

Nathaniel: We're going to get that place down and we're going to get it demolished so that our client can build their discount wicker lacquer napkin ring kūpe'e shell chandelier palace.

Rebecca: I need you because you are the worst person I've ever met.
Nathaniel: Clearly you didn't summer in the Hamptons.

Hector: Are you really going to become a priest just because you don't want to have an awkward conversation?
Josh: No, I'm becoming a priest because I'm a good person who thrives in an academic setting.
White Josh: Josh.
Josh: And because I want to stay here. I like it here a lot. I think I'll major in Christmas.

Maya: Sounds like quite the toothbrush.
Mrs. Hernandez: Sounds like a vibrator.

Nathaniel: Behind this curtain are the most powerful people east of the 5, north of the 10, and some parts of the 2.
Rebecca: So South Pasadena?
Nathaniel: Yeah, more or less. Craig lives in La Cañada Flintridge but it's close.

Nathaniel: Four people in this room have the ability to ruin Josh Chan's life forever, and one can just make it super annoying so we'll skip him.

Josh: Dear God, I have to read all this religion and Bible stuff and I don't understand any of it and it doesn't interest me at all - no offense, big guy. So when I open my eyes, can I just be a priest and look cool and hand out wine and wafers and not at all feel bad about leaving Rebecca at the altar? [opens eyes] Ugh, I knew that wasn't going to work. I'm not Aladdin.

Nathaniel: You can talk to them about anything, anything at all - except for raising taxes, charter school vouchers, and being pro-choice.

Rebecca: Tell me - what did we do to Josh Chan?
Nathaniel: To ruin a man, you have to go after what he loves most.
Rebecca: Video games?

Edited October 22, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo

[Rinaldo]

Josh: Ah, the smell of a man’s boyhood. And I am that man. And that boy. And I have a hood! God, I love it when sentences work out.

Paula: Public radio? Josh? Is there a different public radio, one with pictures?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Paula: Okay, so you know our favorite internet thing?
Rebecca: Celebrities with cellulite that look like kittens with yarn.

Nathaniel: I've never been rejected. Look at me. I'm a white 10.
George: That's so offensive to non-whites and non-10s.

George: You gotta put the "plimp" back in "Plimpton."
Nathaniel: You mean pimp.
George: I do not.

Darryl: I knew Josh was a jerk because he ditched Rebecca but he's also a homophobic Holocaust denier?

Josh: Kevin, where are those bacon boppers?
Kevin: Up your butt.

Nathaniel: I was smiling at babies. Babies are disgusting.

Young Rebecca: Pack a damn pantsuit because you never know.

[Trini]

From 3.02:

Josh: "...I'm just here to go to priest school."
Father Rodrigo: "Preschool?"
Josh: "Priest school."
Father Rodrigo: "We don't use that term for that exact reason."

Rebecca: "...I associate toilets with heartbreak, welcome to the hell I'm in!"

[Eeksquire]

"You have the anger of a much taller woman!"

[Rinaldo]

Billboard butter ad, after Josh orders Rebecca out of his life and walks away: Butter can't save you now!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Jarl: Do you think the famous people might be staying here? I want to meet the stars of Hollywood - Scarlett Johansson, Viggo Mortensen, Erika Christensen.
Rebecca: So you came to a youth hostel in West Covina just to meet Danish-American movie stars?
Jarl: Yeah. Them and Pauly Shore.

Swimchan opening credits:
written by Josh Chan because he's responsible for all this
costumes by whoever does Rihanna because OMG
director of photography - the guy who did Fatal Attraction

Paula: The tracker I put in [Rebecca's] shoulder ran out of batteries months ago.
Valencia: What?
Paula: Oh, it's just a little [beep]. They don't even feel it. You have one.

Hector: The whole thing totally sounds like an intervention. I went to five of those for my uncle. The last one was actually an intervention because he couldn't stop watching Intervention on A&E. It worked but then he moved on to Hoarders. Now he's got like 80 of those on his DVR. And you guessed it - he will not delete them. You know what? I just realized I'm going to have to intervene again.
White Josh: Wow. I have crazy relatives but all we do is talk about them when they leave like a normal family.

Nathaniel: I feel terrible. I interrupted your date which you're paying for with the money I give you every week.

Heather: I'm not actually looking for Rebecca because you can't help people who don't want to be helped, but swinging a flashlight around is fun. So Velma.

Heather: Your arms are really smooth. Do you depilate?
Hector: I do not. Just naturally silky. Good for surfing. I do shave the hair around my nipples.
Heather: I mean, who doesn't?

Jarl: I have to get up early to go to the Autry Museum.
Rebecca: Eww, don't do that. It's just a bunch of pictures of Roy Rogers.

Heather: [Rebecca] probably just took an Uber to the outlets or something. That's where I would go if I turned on all my friends.

Nathaniel: I called the police but apparently we can't report her missing for another 36 hours because she's just a person who walked out of her own house.

Alex: I still have to suspend you. Corporate is uptight. They don't like stealing. It's weird. Sorry, bro. Pack your flip flops and go.

Tommy: We're a hell of a lot better than Rebecca. She's a psycho. I don't know why it took you guys so long to figure that out.
Brendan: Good boobs though.
Scott: Brendan, be respectful.
Brendan: Sorry. Beautiful breasts.

Tommy: Since you seem kind of distracted, can I get a tattoo? Just a small blueprint of a local prison.

Swimchan closing credits:
Craft services - Rebecca Bunch
Carb services - Rebecca Bunch
Carb services (cookies) - Rebecca Bunch
Carb services (donuts) - Rebecca Bunch
Carb services (pretzels) - Rebecca Bunch
Cheese services - Rebecca Bunch
Cheese services (brie) - Rebecca Bunch
Cheese services (dry aged cheddar) - Rebecca Bunch
Cheese services (gouda) - Rebecca Bunch
Candy services - Rebecca Bunch
Candy services (chocolate) - Rebecca Bunch
Candy services (gummies) - Rebecca Bunch
1st AD - Rebecca Bunch
2nd AD - Rebecca Bunch
2nd 2nd AD - Rebecca Bunch
3rd 4th AD - Rebecca Bunch
6th-10th AD - Rebecca Bunch
Greens foreman - Rebecca Bunch
Shrub wrangler - Rebecca Bunch
Best boy - Jarl Thedanishguy
Worst boy - Josh Chan
Special effects - my imagination
Verbal fight choreography - years of mistreatment
Stills photographer - Chan family & security camera
Stand in - broom Darryl
Big carnival pit - lazy construction workers
Line producer - 7 maxed out credit cards
Safety manager - nobody
Insurance - no thank you
Antacids provided by Jarl's backpack
Special thanks - literally no one
"Scary Scary Sexy Lady" written & performed by A Scary Scary Sexy Lady
No shrubs were harmed in the making of this production

Edited November 6, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo
Noticed a typo

[Eeksquire]

THANK YOU for posting all the credits - I tried to catch them all, but it was too fast for me.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

[Nathaniel walks into the office carrying a stuffed alligator]
Darryl: Gawd, this is so weird.
Maya: What: That Nathaniel's a furry? I know!

Maya: Rebecca was supposed to be my mentor for my mentor program Girl Boss Power Force. I have no one else. Paula's out sick. Karen took a leave of absence to be a hand and foot model. Mrs. Hernandez is such a bitch.
Mrs. Hernandez: Get lasik, nerd!

Maya: How do you feel about Lena Dunham? Do you think pumpkin spice lattes are basic or no? Also are diets okay?

Naomi: It's a strawberry milkshake.
Rebecca: Is that some sort of fat-free, dairy-free, 80 calorie blorch?

Nathaniel: You show up on time, you haven't thrown anything at me, I haven't seen you compress a donut into a tiny ball and swallow it whole. And you appear to have no interest in whimsical trips to Rome.
Cornelia: Can't dispute those very specific facts.

Tommy: Wait, why are you bopping Brendan? I totally have more fairy dust than he does.
Brendan: Boom! Sucks to be you. That makes me the pixie princess, bitches. Now give me all your gumdrops. I'm heading to the frosty cotillion.

Audra: [Naomi]'s up to something and if you don't know what it is, then it's working.

Scott: Tommy does love a swim up bar. He likes to drink while he pees.

Cornelia: Oh, gawd, these jackholes.

Darryl: I followed you and then they followed me like the psychopaths that they are.
Cornelia: I called dibs on talking to you first because I'm a woman but they don't respect women or dibs.
Jim: Cornelia, let's blow this joint, go into town, try on some vintage bowling shirts to music.

Cornelia: I'm going back to LA to file several HR complaints. I look forward to collecting a settlement and finally opening my custom yo-yo business.

Paula: And Jim? You are ripped!
Jim: It's just protein shakes.

Darryl: You're right. White Josh and I have got to deal with our relationship. I'm going to call him, I'm going to take him to a yurt, we're going to take some ayahuasca and figure it out no matter how long it takes.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Valencia: I didn't know a friend's suicide attempt was a plus one event.

Mr. Plimpton: Nathaniel, martini time cannot be interrupted. The timing is crucial. That skin of ice on top melts in seconds.

Mr. Plimpton: You know what happened. Your mother had the flu and got dehydrated so she went sailing for a month with your Aunt Sissy in Rhode Island.
Nathaniel: Who goes sailing for a month when they have the flu? That's not a thing. That's a terrible lie.

Mr. Plimpton: You're getting peppery and I don't use that word lightly. Congratulations. You've ruined our night - and we were having lamb!

Heather: You're using your friend's crisis to get swag? Not to judge, V, like at all, but what you're doing is pathetic and vain and stupid and cringey and trendy and selfish and basic.

Heather: It sounds like you're just talking about poop.

Valencia: Omigawd, I just remembered! I left toenail clippers in [Rebecca's bathroom].
Heather: You clip your nails at my house?
Valencia: My toenails grow really fast and they're super thick so I carry these heavy duty nail clippers on me.

Heather: This is my intruder ax.
Valencia: I thought you put all the sharp things away!
Heather: I live in a famous murder house! You think I don't have an ax?

Darryl: When I get my hands on that Josh Chan, when I get my hands on that jerk, I'm going to give him a piece of my mind. Because you know what? I could murder Josh right now.
Heather: I do have an ax.

Dr. D: I think you'll like [group therapy]. Everyone is really nice and supportive.
Rebecca: But like nuts, right?

Rebecca: I was wondering where Ruth Gator Ginsburg went!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rebecca: Oh, these pants feel tight. They are tight in the crotch. These are terrible pants. I should get rid of these pants.
Heather: Please don't take your pants off in front of me. I know you haven't done laundry lately.
Rebecca: I'm actually wearing your bikini bottoms.
Heather: You can keep them.

Rebecca: Are you proud of me? I don't know if you keep stickers around, but if you do, I prefer scratch-n-sniff.
Dr. Shin: Rebecca, I applaud your work ethic, but recovery is not about assigning yourself homework and doing it in record time.
Rebecca: So you're saying I set a record.
Dr. Shin: I know you want an A plus, but I need to challenge you to get a different type of grade.
Rebecca: What's better than an A plus?
Dr. Shin: A C plus. 
[Rebecca gasps]
Dr. Shin: I know by doing this work, you want to get better quickly, but for someone like you, the overachieving is part of the issue. You need to relax.
Rebecca: Relax? Okay, is that what they told you to do at Syracuse? I'm sorry, Syracuse is a lovely school for communications or something.

Rebecca: I just don't want to fail.
Dr. Shin: You need to redefine failure. As I did, when I only got into my safety school.

Paula: Look, I made special pancakes with a sports theme. Basketball, soccer ball, baseball, golf ball.
Brendan: Those are just circles, Mom.

Scott: You go through phases. Before Rebecca, there were those vampire novels, sudoku, and then there was the obsession with Amal Clooney's outfits.

Paula: My life is chores and working and studying and never having enough time to finish the last season of Outlander.

Kevin: Josh, I couldn't help but overhear as I was trying to overhear.

Paula: Scott has been so pissy lately. Oh, sometimes I wish I could just touch a stone wall and go back to 1743 to be with my other husband, the Scottish warrior, and you don't watch Outlander, do you?

Rebecca: You know, I've always wanted to go to Buffalo.
Paula: You have?
Rebecca: Yes, yes. Ever since I saw Bruce Almighty.

Nathaniel: I'm probably just feeling a little weird because I accidentally had dairy yesterday. I asked for a grilled cheese sandwich, but I said no cheese, no bread, I just want a hot, salty tomato, but, you know, they don't listen.

Bob: Hey, isn't that the girl your mother told me about? She, uh, kind of sucks at killing herself? Hey, I know this guy from my old precinct in Brooklyn, he tried to shoot himself in his foot to get workers' comp. Blew off his willie. You're like that guy.

Bob: Hey, would you like to see a big turd I left in the toilet?
Rebecca: No. Kind of.

Jeff: We haven't seen each other since-
Paula: You dumped me in the parking lot of the mall after we saw Fried Green Tomatoes. Ever since then, I hear Kathy Bates do a Southern accent and I have to leave the room.

Rebecca: I've never watched conservative news before. All the women look exactly the same, like they're old, blonde Miss USAs. Why is that?
Bob: Well, if we put them on the news, then we don't have to send them out to the glue factory. 
Rebecca: Bob, be real. You don't agree with all this stuff, right? I mean, you don't think everyone should own a gun?
Bob: Oh, no. They should own two guns - one for animals, one for people.

Rebecca: I don't know if I can [drink alcohol]. Sorry. I honestly don't know what my book says about alcohol.
Bob: Your book? You mean like a bible?
Rebecca: Uh, kinda, but less sci-fi.

Bob: This is Jeff, the guy that broke Paula's heart. She drew pictures of his Johnson with hearts around it for years after that.
Paula: Dad, why do you know that?
Bob: Because you left your diary on that shelf in the bathroom.

Paul: Thanks for trying to shoot Jeff, Dad. Meant a lot. 
Bob: Yeah, well, thanks for coming and visiting me. I mean, I know I'm just an old pain who reads your diaries and number twos in your drawers.

Paula: If I could go through a magical stone wall and pick any man in any time period in any universe I would pick Brad Pitt in Thelma & Louise.
Scott: Strong choice. Me same.
Paula: And when he turned me down, I'd pick you.

Rebecca: So I went to Buffalo, drank a ton of vodka, sexted with a guy, damaged a house with darts and urine, got in a car with a drunk guy - oops! Watched that guy threaten another guy with a gun, and I farted a ton on the plane on the way back because no one could hear it, and I just had a ton of sex with my ex-boss. So how's that for getting out of the therapy bubble?
Dr. Shin: Wow, that is not in any workbook I know of.

Edited December 9, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rebecca: Why don't you take the day off today and let's do something fun like go to Raging Waters?
Nathaniel: I'd love to if water parks weren't disgusting.

Rebecca: I scooped up his shirt and I smelled it but I didn't just smell it. I buried my whole face in it and it smelled so good. It smelled like the yummiest part of his armpit. I wanted to live in it.
Dr. Shin: Don't panic. You felt intimacy and affection. That's okay.
Rebecca: But is it though - for me? First it starts out as intimacy and affection and then I get one little love kernel - that's what I call them - and the next thing you know, I'm buying a shrub costume and hanging somebody's teddy bear from a closet rod by a karate belt.
Dr. Shin: What?
Rebecca: We'll talk about that later.

Rebecca: Is it bad that I'm wearing [Nathaniel's stolen Stanford shirt under my clothes[?
Dr. Shin: It's not great.

Paula: What is that? Is that a hooker catalog? It's not safe for work, buddy. Hey, while I'm busting your balls, I gotta say it stinks in here. The taxidermy, the hides, the feathers - there's so much dead southwestern stuff in here. It's like CSI: New Mexico.
Darryl: It's my heritage.
Paula: Honey, if you bought it at a gas station, it ain't heritage.

Darryl: What if I pick the wrong [egg donor]? What if I mess this up?
Paula: I know I'm trying not to meddle in people's lives so much but I can see you need help. Also catalog shopping and judging people are two of my best events. Oh, this is easy. Here we go. Okay, rapid fire: crooked nose, snaggle tooth, from Nevada, weird mole, dumb scarf, likes cats, dimple on one side, clearly drunk, no chin, sloping chin, three chins, vegetarian.

Paula: She's perfect. Look - number 456H76. I have been through this entire book and she is the only acceptable one. College educated, doesn't smoke, left handed - that means creative. When asked for their past times, she's the only one who didn't mention the beach or her dog or going to the beach with her dog. Also no duck lips, no contouring, no fake eyelashes, no posing in a flamingo float. She is the one. I don't even have a second choice.

George: I like your very normal body. I think it's brave.
Rebecca: Blech.

Lourdes: It will be so fun living with Hector and his mother. She lives near Souplantation. You love Souplantation.

Josh: I'm in a lot of flux. Fluuuuuuuuux.

George: What am I doing here? I want out of this scam.
Rebecca: Sorry, but you're my driver and my wing man and my co-conspirator and my suicide prevention buddy. What don't you understand about this relationship?

Rebecca: I stayed up all night watching old Masters Tournaments, memorizing states. Here's one. Did you know that Arnold Palmer won 92 tournaments and is not just a beverage?

Rebecca: Where is Nathaniel Senior going?
George: I don't know. It could be a drug deal. Or an affair. Probably a ride sharing app.

Rebecca: Doing the right thing - is there anything worse?

Darryl's names for his next daughter:
Daphnila
Sapharine
Tasmilyn
Shetonka (it means lady truck)

Edited January 6, 2018 by ElectricBoogaloo

[Trini]

On 1/6/2018 at 6:21 AM, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Josh: I'm in a lot of flux. Fluuuuuuuuux.

Wow, it took me seeing this typed out to get this...

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rebecca: I'm not ready to go back to work so I've got nothing to do all day. You know what I did yesterday? I threw out all my old spices and bought new ones. I don't even cook. I just smelled them all. And I tried to smoke the marjoram.

White Josh: You take back those air quotes!

Josh: You guys aren't friends. [Darryl] just dumped you.
White Josh: What are you talking about? I didn't get dumped. It was mutual.
Josh: Yeah, right. "Mutual."
White Josh: You take back those air quotes!

Josh: Everyone knows there's no such thing as a mutual break up.
White Josh: Yes, there is! Okay, so maybe he said the words technically before I said the words, but it's like when you're on the phone and you're having a conversation and you want that conversation to end. Someone has to say the word "goodbye" before the other person says "goodbye" but you're doing it together.
Josh: Who talks on the phone? What are you, like a hundred?

White Josh: Since when do you have money?
Josh: I got a job.
White Josh: Doing what?
Josh: I'm a fireman. A volunteer fireman.
White Josh: Wait, so you get paid to volunteer?
Josh: Yeah, I save lives for money.

Darryl: I've already sold my whole southwestern collection. I considered moving on to my southeastern collection but that's really just a Miami Vice t-shirt and a stuffed moccasin snake.
Paula: You have other stuff to sell. What about your above ground pool?
Darryl: It's riddled with spiders.
Paula: Your massager ottoman?
Darryl: It broke months ago.
Paula: Electric soft bonnet hair dryer?
Darryl: I can't get rid of that. How do you expect me to have this shine, this volume, this lustrous texture?

Mrs. Hernandez: Hey, guys, guess what? Maya had a threeway and Tim's mother has diabetes.

Jim: We heard you're looking for a little cheese.
Darryl: Oh, I never want just a little cheese. I get a Muenster open an I'll finish the whole thing.

Rebecca: I was thinking that I could volunteer at a soup kitchen, but you know how I feel about soup. Then I was thinking adult literacy but if they can't read by the time they're adults, there's something else going on there and I cannot take that on. Then I thought I could sort clothes at a donation center, but I see one crusty stain and I'm not eating for weeks.

Valencia: I have to do everything by myself. I have no help. And you refuse to do anything for free.
Heather: Yeah, I suck.

Heather: Excuse me, did one of you guys call one of my servers WACK?
Nathaniel: Hmmm?
White Josh: Yeees.
Heather: So A- what decade are we in? And B - you did NOT order celery. Your literally ordered fries and so did you. Do you need me to rewind the security footage?

Rebecca: I balanced your books and you were right. You only have about $800 or 100 scones left in the bank. And after I balanced your books, I balanced my own checkbook and I only have about 30 scones left in the bank. It turns out I spent tens of thousands of dollars on Josh.

White Josh: My arms are starting to burn.
Nathaniel: That's just the fat crying out in pain.

Ali: We're on a budget. I'm the bread manager at the market so I make more than Marty.
Rebecca: So you're the bread winner!
Ali: No, I'm the bread manager. Between us, we don't have that much dough.
Rebecca: Ha, that's funny!
Ali: How's that funny? I think it's a bummer.

Valencia: Don't you worry. Your budget is not an issue because we can do the event economically right here at Home Base. I call it Beers and Brats at the Base. A SoCal Oktoberfest without the nasty Germans.
Rebecca: Oktoberfests are very trendy right now. I heard that Prince Harry and his Northwestern theater major fiancée love a good O-fest.

Darryl: I'm so scared, Father.
Father Brah: Oh, I am not Father tonight. Tonight you will call me Daddy.

Heather: Ugh, I hate how much I am pulling off this look.

White Josh: It's a gay bar which is great for me, but it's also actually great for you. Bachelorettet parties, girls' nights out, girls who like to dance in a circle. I don't know. They're all here.
[cut to the woo girls behind them wooing]
Nathaniel: Oh, yeah. Look at this. Cool.
White Josh: No, NOT cool. It's actually horrible. Straight girls are ruining the best part about being gay. It used to be the one place that belonged to us.

Whore: Excuse me! Hi, can you guys be sad somewhere else? Hi, this is my girl Sherry. She's wearing spanx tonight because we is out on the town, alright? And me, I'm getting married if you want to buy me a dranky dranky drank drank drank! So yeah, you guys are killing the vibe in here.
White Josh: This bar is not for you! There are straight bars everywhere!
Nathaniel: Yeah, they're called bars!

White Josh: Being dumped sucks, man. Worse than your pecs feel after 50 pound flies.
Nathaniel: To me it's more like how you feel after a one rep squat PR.

Beverage manager: It's classic drywall. It's flat. It's dry. It's a wall.

Josh: I'm not a stripper. I'm a go-go dancer. There's no pole. Actually, I wish there was. It would make the whole fireman thing a lot better.

Josh: I didn't want to ruin your opinion of me. You guys think I'm perfect and put me up on a pedestal.
White Josh: Nope, no one thinks that.

Josh: This place doesn't just have hot girls. It also has tons of gay guys.

Rebecca: Ali, this toast is from me. Sit your ass down, bitch.

Rebecca: They're just going to pop out one of my eggies, put it in someone else's oven, someone else will raise it. It's a lot easier than teaching a poor person to read. I don't mean poor. Sorry. I mean dumb.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Heather: So then I finished my continuing education archery class, and now I'm, like, a champion-level bowman, but it turns out the Ren fair only comes, like, once a year.

Rebecca: Hold on. Hormone time. 
[Heather, Valencia, and Paula groan]
Valencia: Can you just go to the bathroom and do that, please?
Rebecca: If women can breastfeed in public, then I can inject myself with hormones at this open-air donuteria. I'm not ashamed of it. I am helping my good friend Darryl make a baby, and I do not care if people think it's gross.
Valencia: I am people, and I think it's gross.
Rebecca: Guys, look at all of my subcutaneous tissue. I'm, like, the sub-Q queen. Thanks, donuts.
Heather: Well, now you're actively ruining donuts for people.
Man: Take it to the alley, junkie!
Rebecca: I'm making a miracle. People.
Heather: Wait, what did Dr. Shin say about this whole thing? I don't know, maybe just seems like someone in therapy for a personality disorder may not want to take tons of hormones?

Rebecca: You know how Robert Downey Jr. kind of went through that spiral and he broke into someone's house and slept in a child's bed? But then he had that guest star in Ally McBeal and now he's Iron Man? That's me.

Heather: I don't know what my identity is right now. Should I say I am a bartender? A lover of cheese? A chewer of gum? Like, I'm all of those things, but none define me.

Hector: Whatever you want to say to me, you can say to me, my mom, and our 334 subscribers to Dating For All Ages, which is brought to you by Merv's Diner, on 4th and East Cameron. Mention the podcast, and you get a free ham and cheese.
Hector's mom: I guess what I would like to know is where do you two stand? How serious are you?
Heather: Well, I really like Hector, and our names definitely go well together. Our couple name is Heactor - like Hector, but with an extra A. But I can't really make any decisions about our relationship until I sort out who I am.
Hector: Heather, I just want to take our relationship to the next level, become more officially a couple.
Heather: Well, another challenge is that you live here with your mom who's your best friend so there's also that.

Heather: Kevin, can I help you with something?
Kevin: Oh, I just wanted to, uh, I have a good reason for asking this, I swear. Uh, if someone asked - not me, but someone - what would you say you are? 
Heather: What?
Kevin: Well, you know, like, uh, where are you from?
Heather: Oh, um, I was born in Arizona, and then my dad, his job transferred from there to here 
Kevin: Yeah I'm sorry. I meant where are your parents from?
Heather: Yeah, um, well, my mom is from Michigan, and my dad is from Michigan. They met at University of Michigan. So, crazy story, huh? Kevin, are you trying to ask me what my ethnic background is? 
Kevin: No.  
Heather: No?
Kevin: I mean, yes. Yeah. I mean, not because I care about what you are. I mean, you can be anything you want.
Heather: Oh, thank you.
Kevin: I mean, you're obviously something! Uh, I mean, we have never talked about. I mean, I've wondered though, for no reason. Oh, God, this is a disaster, isn't it? And I'm so hot.
[Kevin takes off his shirt]
Heather: Okay, well Oh! You took it off. Oh.
Kevin: The point is, it doesn't matter what race you are. You are my equal.
Heather: Oh, okay. Kevin, did you, um, did you have a point, or is this just for fun? 
Kevin: Yes! Yes. There's a training program at Home Base corporate, and they are encouraging people who are, who are [whispers] Say it. Dear God in Heaven, please.
Heather: Diverse?
Kevin: Yes. Yes.
Heather: Kevin, all you had to say was, like, "Hey, there's a corporate management training program, here's a form."
Kevin: Right. Here's a form.

Nathaniel: What is wrong with you? Why are you sweating like Mickey Rourke after a meal at Fogo de Chao?

Darryl: I don't know if [Nathaniel]'s that devastated. He's got this new gal pal.
Maya: Darryl! That was an office secret. It was on the group text chain called, "Shh!"
Rebecca: Hold up. New gal pal?
Tim: Yeah, this new girlfriend is all over his Instagram. He is flaunting her everywhere. He's even tagging her in photos that she's not in: sunsets, rescue dogs, farmers' market.

Rebecca: Tim, why is your phone background a picture of Shania Twain?
Tim: She's beautiful, she is from Canada, and she raised her brothers and sisters all on her own. 
Jim: That doesn't impress me much.

Rebecca: She's beautiful. She also went to Stanford. And she works in a mutual fund. She's perfect for him. There. See? I'm fine.
[Rebecca gasps]
Rebecca: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. This can't be.
Maya: Did he take her home to meet his family?
Paula: Did he propose?
Rebecca: Way worse. The worsest. He took her to Raging Waters!
Paula: That's her Paris!

Rebecca: Hey, Hector, have you heard about the cool thing I'm doing? I'm taking my firm back. Nathaniel hoodwinked and bamboozled Darryl to get it, and now I'm gonna hornswoggle him right back. 
Hector: She talks like an old lady.
Rebecca: I prefer '40s detective, but thank you.

Heather: I applied for that Home Base management training program. I don't know, I'm a little worried it's gonna be too uptight for me. Their dress code is so conservative. It's like, no tattoos, no body drawing, no hair dye. It's, like, my whole look. I guess I'll just have to express my colorful personality with my animated vocal inflections.

Frank: Well, trainees, on behalf of Home Base Industries and Three Strikes You're In, LLC, welcome to the orientation for the management training program. You guys have been selected from Home Bases across the land - by "across the land" I mean the northern southwestern region of California - to begin your new careers.

Rebecca: When Nathaniel bought Stacey's shares, the transaction was not executed in the correct county because Stacey lives in Orange County.
Paula: Of course she does.
Rebecca: So the transfer of the shares needed to be notarized in the local jurisdiction.
Jim: This is boring. What are you saying?

Frank: Heather, we need to talk.
Heather: Oh, what, I'm fired because Linda saw my butt piercing? That thing is really hard to get out. You try it.

Rebecca: Paula, we need money. We don't have money. What are we gonna do? We don't have any cabbage, scratch, no clams, no grilled cheese.
Paula: Is grilled cheese old-timey slang for money?
Rebecca: No, I just really want a grilled cheese. Oh, with marshmallows.

BJ Novak: What don't you understand, Rebecca? My ecstasy factory is losing money. Everything's about opioids now. No one wants good artisanal ecstasy.
Rebecca: God, BJ, you went to Harvard.
BJ Novak: It's called being a hyphenate, Rebecca. Look it up.

Dr. Phil: I don't know you. You keep saying you met me at some boba stand. Listen, I don't remember individual bobas. I boba three or four times a week.

Rebecca: Oh, my hormones are out of control. It's like a hundred periods, plus what I imagine cocaine would be like if I weren't too chicken to try it.

Rebecca: The girl Nathaniel's dating, it's killing me, okay? I say it's not, but it is. Every time I see a picture of them, it just, it breaks my heart, especially because she kind of looks like me, but she has, like, better eyebrows and thick, lustrous hair. It's like if you put me in a Disney princess machine.

Rebecca: I thought I could SASSY my way through it.
Lana: Is GASSY a thing? Because I sit next to you and it seems like you eat a lot of cruciferous veggies.

Rebecca: Oh, my God, Bert, I can't thank you enough for covering for me. I mean, God, you spent that whole session talking about chemtrails.
Bert: Governments use aircraft fumes to spray us with sedatives. That's why Americans are all so sleepy. Anyway, I wanted to tell you this. Few people know this about me, but I am a Bitcoin thousandaire.
Rebecca: Okay, wow. Uh, what?
Bert: Yeah, so I have all this money and nothing to spend it on. These fishing vests last a lifetime, especially if you never fish.

Nathaniel: What is going on?
Rebecca: What's going on is that you are no longer the senior partner at this firm. I found a semi-wealthy semi-friend to buy the voided shares, and he and Darryl have designated me as the proxy to make all the decisions so I am now your superior. 
Nathaniel: Superior? You're not a man.
Rebecca: Things are gonna be a lot different around here, Nathaniel. 30-hour workweeks, mandatory nap breaks, two-hour lunches.
Nathaniel: No, get this garbage out of my office.
Rebecca: Excuse me, that's not garbage. That's Gloria.
Nathaniel: Estefan?
Rebecca: No, Gloria Steinem and you knew that.

Heather: I came here to quit, because I hate offices and conference rooms and undergarments, but no, I don't want to quit, because you guys definitely need diversity. And I don't just mean people of color, which you also desperately need. It's, like, creepily homogenous in this place.

Heather: So now at long last, I know who I am. I'm not a student. I'm a regional manager. I get to boss people around at three San Gabriel Valley Home Bases.

Kevin: Welcome home, regional manager. I was so happy when I heard the news, I went out and got you a little present. 
Heather: What? Kevin, you didn't have to get me anything.
Kevin: Yes, I did. When last we spoke, I was being insensitive. Since then, I've gone through extensive online training in racial sensitivity.
Heather: What? 
Kevin: I got you this gift to say congrats on the new job and also to say I'm "sari."
Heather: Kevin, I'm not Indian. I get that a lot, but my mom's white, my dad's black. That's what I am. I'm half-black, half-white. 100% Michigan.
Kevin: No. What have I done?
Heather: I don't know, but even if I were Indian, like, not the right move at all here.
Kevin: I'm so ashamed! And so hot! 
[Kevin takes off his shirt]
Heather: No. Oh, it's happening. Okay, no.
Kevin: Your new rule about mandated undershirts is a good idea.

Nathaniel: I know I wasn't the nicest person when you asked for your job back. And the Raging Waters thing I was trying to get under your skin. I'm sorry. Honestly, we went in there for ten minutes, took a picture, and left. You know I can't stand direct sunlight and people.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rebecca: Seems like only yesterday I was right here in this very room ignoring everything you said. Okay, so, uh, let me catch you up on everything that's been going on with me since I last saw you, which was post-suicide attempt, and I tried to get you to give me a new diagnosis. Right, right. Okay, so, to recap: I accepted the fact that I'm borderline, did a lot of workbooks, went to Buffalo, hung out with my friend's dad, got back from Buffalo, started dating Nathaniel, got a little too obsessy over Nathaniel, so broke that off, went on a ton of hormones to give Darryl an egg, took over my firm as senior partner. Uh, Nathaniel started dating a new girl, Mona. That was three weeks ago. Nathaniel and I had sex in the office we now share, decided that was a bad idea, it should never happen again, and now I'm here.
Dr. Akopian: Wow. That's a lot. Let's work backwards. So you and Nathaniel were intimate, but not any longer?
Rebecca: Oh, God, no, no, no. No, no, no. That is long over. I mean, after we had sex that one time, we only had sex, like, three more times that week. And then we stopped. Except for last night. And this morning. But I don't count this morning, because the janitor opened the door of the supply closet, so nobody finished. Except I'm pretty sure the janitor.

Rebecca: I'm here in the present with you right now ready to rock my mental health. So, come on, let's do this. Bunch and Akopes, back together, tonight on CBS at 9:00 pm, solving crimes in different climates around the world.
Dr. Akopian: I do not wish to be called Akopes. 
Rebecca: God, I forgot how un-fun you are.

Paula: I've decided to call for reinforcements.
Maya: You mean the reinforcements that go in the three-hole punch paper? I've been trying to get in the supply closet to get those, but it's always locked, and the door is making a banging noise. I think there's a possum and a cat in there, and they're fighting, but they're also best friends and they solve crimes. It's just an idea for a CBS show I've been kicking around.

Tim: Oh, great. Now the sidekick's got a sidekick.

Rebecca: I was looking for these. What do you call these? Do you call these flags or sticky page holders?
Nathaniel: Oh, no, those I call those color thingies, actually.
Rebecca: That Stanford education, like, gave you a great vocabulary.
Nathaniel: Well, it's why I'm so good at games like Boggle.

Josh: So you're getting a free vacation to Mexico. That's cool.
White Josh: It's not really a vacation.
Josh: Uh, you get to ride a plane and go camping. That's a vacation, bro.
White Josh: I'm building houses for Habitat for Humanity. 
Josh: Oh, yeah, Happy Tats for Manatees. 
White Josh; Hmm?
Josh: Well, that's what I used to think it was - a group that put tattoos on manatees to, like, track them. 
White Josh: It's not.
Josh: I know that now.
White Josh: Do you?

Josh: Wow, I've never seen you like this - hurt and vulnerable. I, like, really see your humanity. Yeah, see, so that sounds a lot like manatee so that's on them.
White Josh: A lot of words sound like other words, Josh.

Sunil: Come on, come on, give me the dish.
Paula: Okay. Tall idiot is Tim. Short idiot is Jim. Tiny idiot is Maya.
Sunil: They look like idiots. No, no, no. They look like a Sunday matinee cast of an eighth year revival.
Paula: Oh, Sunil. I never understand your musical theater references because I was getting laid and smoking dope in high school, but they still crack me up.

Sunil: It's gonna be Sunil and Paula, you know, serving justice around the world. We're doing the work of idiots and wearing cool suits and occasionally sunglasses. Coming soon to CBS. We could be cops or lawyers.

Heather: I hate being pregnant. It's the worst thing I've ever decided. I'm gonna quit. I want to quit. I quit. It hurts to sit. It hurts to stand. My ass is covered in stretch marks, as you know. My belly button looks like an inside out butthole. I still haven't tasted the crudo. I also can't drink wine. I can't use my face wash. I can't paint my nails. I can't take a hot bath or get a foot massage or lie on my back or fart without peeing a little. I can't do anything fun!

Heather: Sign me up for this and buy me a skateboard.
Hector: A skateboarding expo?
Heather: My doctor said that I can't ride a bike or, uh, skydive or surf, but he said nothing about learning to skateboard. So that's what we call a loophole, brah.

Josh: It's obvious his name should be Dog Josh. He looks just like us.
White Josh: No. No, Josh. We're not doing that. Been through it a million times. His name is Max. Found him in a garbage dump in Mexico. He's been through enough without also having to be named after you. I know what that's like. It's not great.

Rebecca: So it's been eight months, and he still has a girlfriend and we're still sleeping together. So what?
Dr. Akopian: I really thought this time was gonna be different. So, it's been eight months of "last times," "big mistakes," and "never gonna happen agains."
Rebecca: So that's what you do when you're writing. You just write things I say and then quote them back to me at a later date. Cool. I can do that, too. "Uh, so it's been eight months. Uh, and I'm gonna quote a bunch of things that you said back to you and wear another weird statement necklace." I'm sorry. I felt cornered and threatened by you, and rather than be vulnerable, I lashed out before you could abandon me, and I recognize that, and I apologize for it. But your necklaces are very weird.

Rebecca: Bunch and Akopes, tonight on CBS. Grab your parka or bikini, and let's find out whodunit.
Dr. Akopian: You've been trying to get that bit going for eight months. Stop it. 
Rebecca: But I have a theme song. Nuh, duh, duh, duh, two ladies Duh, duh, duh, duh, solving crimes Duh, duh, duh, duh, in Bahamas Duh, duh, duh, duh, now it's Europe! But it's all just Atlanta.

Rebecca: This is the healthiest romantic relationship I've ever been in. There, I said it. I'm not obsessed with him because I can't really have him. For the first time in my life, my expectations are in a realistic space. The other day I texted him, and he didn't text me back for couple hours. You know what I did in that time? I made a damn sandwich. And it was good.

Rebecca: I'm sorry, Paula. You guys were such good friends. I mean, I don't like him or get him because he's like he's like Benjamin Coffin III in Rent. But, you know, I mean, you seem to dig him, so.
Paula: Well, I mean, I did, but now he's my enemy, like Boss Hogg in The Dukes of Hazzard. I keep forgetting you and I have, like, such different references.

Rebecca: You were so mean to him. Oh, you just talked to him just like you talk to Tim and Jim and Maya.
Paula: That wasn't mean. I was not mean. I gave him my honest opinion. I mean, I have to be honest about the work.
Rebecca: Okay. I don't care. I mean, again, I feel like he's like an evil landlord making us pay our rent.
Paula: What?
Rebecca: Okay, you know what, just Wikipedia the plot to Rent and get back to me It's really easy. But don't watch the movie! Don't watch the movie.

Rebecca: I was talking about this in therapy today, and, I got to say, this arrangement is working. And, you know, it's modern, it's mature. I mean, it's what they do in France. And Utah.
Nathaniel: Literally the only thing France and Utah have in common.

Hector: What's going on? Is something wrong with your face? Oh, my God, I've never seen you cry.
Heather: That's because I don't cry. When I was a baby, I didn't cry at all. And they took me to the hospital because they thought I was broken, but I was just a super chill baby. And now I feel like I'm gonna cry all the time, and I think it's because there's this alien growing inside of my guts.
Hector: Oh, honey, it's okay.
Heather: No, get your super smooth arms off of me. Yeah, they're too smooth.
Hector: So would now be a bad time to remind you that Darryl's baby shower is about to happen?
Heather: Oh, gawd, that thing.
Hector: Oh, shoot, we forgot to get him a present.
Heather: I am making him a present, bitch!

Paula: I've been thinking about what you said, and maybe I was too hard on [Sunil]. I should apologize. I'm gonna apologize.
Rebecca: I mean, sure, if you want to. You know what? Do it in his terms. Tell him that he's Herbie and you're Mama Rose from Gypsy and you're about to sing "You'll Never Get Away from Me."
Paula: You and Sunil really are the ones that should be friends. I mean, you know that, right?
Rebecca: Never. I'd rather die.

Sunil: Paula is so difficult to please. You know, nothing is good enough for her. She's like Miss Hannigan, but not the Carol Burnett version, the original company.
Maya: Has anyone ever told you that you should be best friends with Rebecca?
Sunil: Never. I'd rather die.

Paula: So am I really the office bitch? 
[Rebecca laughs]
Rebecca: Wait, you're actually asking me that? Paula, it's your brand. You have the mug that says "Office Bitch."

Nathaniel: I guess you didn't make it to the baby shower. You missed the blessing of the egg donor. We all whispered intentions into hard-boiled eggs.

Nathaniel: I'm actually running low on pens. Are you running low on sticky thingies? You want to hit the supply closet?
Rebecca: Um, you know what? I would love to. I really would, but I can't.
Nathaniel: What?
Rebecca: Yeah, um, listen. I think I'm good on office supplies forever.
Nathaniel: Why no more office supplies?
Rebecca: So I know that I said that I could get pencils and pens with you indefinitely but I can't.
Nathaniel: Why? You said getting Scotch Tape and Wite-Out doesn't hurt anybody. That's what you said.
Rebecca: Yeah, but I was wrong. I was wrong, it does.
Jim: What are they talking about?
Tim: It's pretty obvious, dude. Somebody got hurt with a pen.

Nathaniel: I guess we were just kidding ourselves when we thought we could get erasers and toners and index cards forever.
Rebecca: I wish you all of the freshest, inkiest yellow highlighters there could ever be.
Nathaniel: And I you.
Maya: I actually prefer the pink highlighters.
Tim: Why am I crying right now?

Hector: What are you wearing?
Heather: Hey. So it's just a fat suit.
Hector: What?
Heather: Yeah. Uh, my dad got us these fat suits this one Thanksgiving cause he thought it'd be fun to reenact the family dinner scene from The Nutty Professor.
Hector: Your dad is pretty great. 
Heather:I know. He rules.

Hector: I do not want to confront you because you are violent and scary and you weigh more than me.
Heather: Move, Hector, or I will move you.
Hector: Please don't make me do this. Do not make me wrestle a pregnant woman in a fat suit, because I will.

Sunil: My work is good. Everyone's work here is pretty good. Okay, well, not Tim, obviously. He's a moron.

Dr. Akopian: You need and deserve love. It's okay for you to have it.
Rebecca: No, I can't. I can't. Gawd, you don't understand. 
Dr. Akopian: What don't I understand? 
Rebecca: I don't want to die, okay? I've gotten better. Okay, I've progressed, and yes, I know that my relationship with Nathaniel is not like it was with Josh. 
Dr. Akopian: That's right.
Rebecca: But if I try with Nathaniel, something will happen, okay? He'll go out to dinner with a friend, and he won't answer one of my texts, or he'll go on a trip, and he won't call me enough, and I know what I'm capable of when I feel abandoned. I can go to a really dark place, and it's a place where I can hurt myself, and I never want to be in that place again, ever.
Dr. Akopian: Rebecca, that fear is always going to be there. But as a person who has known you for a long time, you're more stable and self-aware than you were. And you're a loving person who deserves love. One day, I hope you believe that.

Paula: I'm sorry I was a jerk, because I was.
Sunil: Apology accepted. 
Paula: Really? 
Sunil: Yes. 
Paula: Oh, yes, thank you.
Sunil: This is good. Paula, I mean, it's like, um, I'm Kenickie and you're Rizzo, and we're making up.
Paula: I know that reference! Grease, right?
Sunil: Yes, Grease.
Paula: I saw the movie.
Sunil: And in this case, the movie is preferred.
Paula Okay, so do I have to apologize to everybody else now?
Sunil: Oh, no. They're morons.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Heather: So do you have to, like, study, everywhere we go?
Paula: I have a final. It's an ethics class. It's hard.
Heather: Well, just copy your ethics off someone else.

Rebecca: Now I get some well-deserved me time. Yeah, I get some hot Rebecca on Rebecca action. Yeah, I don't need a man. And you know what says that? This soon to be afghan. 
Paula: I like that attitude.
Valencia: You go, girl. 
Heather: Other supportive girl thing.

Rebecca: From now on, my life is gonna get an A plus on the Bechdel test.
Heather: Well, actually, since the Bechdel test is a measure of how often women talk about men, the act of talking about the Bechdel test kind of technically means you've failed the Bechdel test.

White Josh: Hey, uh, quick question, why is it that all of my friends, including you, are in love with Rebecca? Does she have a magic vagina?
Nathaniel: No. She has a great one, though. And she does like when I refer to it as the sorting hat. Harry Potter dirty talk.

White Josh: It's pretty crappy what you're doing.
Nathaniel: Ah, there it is. There's that famous judginess I've heard so much about.

Rebecca: You almost ruined my life, maniac!
Trent: You mean saved your life, lover?
Rebecca: No.

Trent: I holed up in a cave in the Mojave. And I hung with a pack of coyotes, and they taught me how to howl again. That's when I knew that I was ready to find my way back to you. So I Wazed directions back towards the Brooks Brothers at the Desert Hills Premium Outlets to find myself some clothes. I'm an outlet guy.

Rebecca: That's the most insane story I've ever heard. Honestly, I'd be impressed if I weren't so disgusted by you as a person.

Valencia: Any update on that Jessica Alba charity event?
Beth: I told you, we're not getting that party. Every event planning company in town is pursuing it.
Valencia: But you know her.
Beth: I LA know her. I spun next to her, I juiced behind her, and one time, I was at a gifting suite in front of her. That's the extent of it.

Josh: Hire me. I'll do it for free. 
Beth: Great, you're hired. Also, you're not very good at negotiating.

Valencia: Okay, fine. But if we're doing it, we're doing it my way - chic and elegant.
Josh: Great. As long as I pick the music.
Valencia: Absolutely not.
Josh: But that's all a DJ does.
Valencia: No, they also bring in equipment and push buttons.

Paula: So listen, I have a gushing period, and I need Rebecca's help for a minute so can you spare her?
Trent: What kind of help?
Paula: Well, you know, with me, it's like a four hand job. I mean, I'm putting in menstrual cups, a tampon, maybe a pillow.
Trent: You know I think menstruation is beautiful. It's my favorite time of the month to make love. Period sex, period sex.
Rebecca: Nope. You don't get to sing that.

Paula: Rebecca, what is going on?
Rebecca: What's going on is I need your help. And not Good Paula help. I need Bad Paula help. Not "I'm a lawyer and I want to play by the rules now" Paula. I need surveillance camera in the brooch, tracking device in the shoulder Paula now. 
Paula: What? Why? 
Rebecca: Trent is blackmailing me.
Paula: Hey, look, if he's threatening you with something serious, then let's just go to the police.
Rebecca: No, we can't go to the police. That's how blackmail works. That's WHY blackmail works.

Paula: Is everything okay at the house with Trent? I mean, he's not making you do any-
Rebecca: Oh, no, no. No, no, no. He's just sleeping at the foot of the bed like he always does. I got to say, for a blackmailer, he's decent on consent. I did let him give me a pedicure, though. He used this amazing vanilla foot scrub.

Paula: It looks like he just turned left off of East Cameron and he's heading towards South Cameron?
Rebecca: That's like the Knockturn Alley of West Covina. It's the place in Harry Potter where bad things happen. You don't care. It's fine.

Janie: Um, excuse me, Ms. Valencia?
Valencia: So what do you think, Janie?
Janie: Um, I wanted a theme. Something like Riverdale?
Valencia: Please, Janie, none of your friends are hot enough to be on Riverdale. And there is a theme. It's the Jazz Age. 1920s. Like Great Gatsby.
Janie: Okay. So are there gonna be glow sticks then?
Valncia: Well, now you're just trying to provoke me. Now go put on your sequined headband and floor-length pearl necklace.

Nathaniel: Look, I know I've been AWOL recently, but work's been really busy-
Mona: I've been really busy too. I launched a new campaign for one of our overseas funds, but weirdly, my phone worked while all that was happening.

Paula and Rebecca: Aaaaaaaand scamper!

Paula: An anodized steel double bolt tri-magnetite lock? I thought you were gonna give me a challenge, Trent.

Nathaniel: Oh, God, I'm so sorry, Mona. But it's over between her and I, I swear.
[if I know Rebecca like I think I do, hearing Nathaniel say "her and I" would be enough of a reason for her to never want to date him again!]

Mona: For all you know, I've been sleeping with other people the whole time, too. 
Nathaniel: Were you? 
Mona: No. Got some good offers, but I liked the guy I was seeing and I was hoping he'd come around, which is pathetic, I know. My therapist, Dr. Akopian - he's great, by the way - he keeps asking me, "Why are you waiting around for this guy? Especially if you don't trust him?" I should have spoken up sooner. But people like us, we were not raised to confront. Or be honest. You know, we're WASPs. Our parents treat their marriages like business arrangements.

Rebecca: I always wear mismatched socks. I look the host of a Nickelodeon show!

Paula: Okay, this is just all ramen. Shrimp-flavored ramen.
Rebecca: I mean, even his choice of ramen flavor is upsetting.

Rebecca: This definitely has a whole "hide my weapons and drugs" type vibe, right?
Paula: Yes. Although this is not the first time on a caper you or I have thought that someone was dealing drugs.
Rebecca: But this time is different.

Heather: What happened? Did you sleep with the Hulk impersonator on Hollywood Boulevard? There's a hot one.

Rebecca: Trent, you booby-trapped that trunk just for me?
Trent: Yes, I did. I don't understand why you don't trust me.
Rebecca: Trust you? Trent, you're blackmailing me. Our relationship is 90% based on fear and 10% on the hope that you'll make that fusilli with duck ragu again.
Trent: Why don't you love me? What's standing in the way of that?
Rebecca: You. Gawd, you should know by now that I'm not interested.
Trent: How would I know that? You've encouraged my attentions every step of the way. You brought me here to pretend to be your boyfriend. You let me cook for you and clean for you. You took my virginity. You've given me all these little pieces of love along the way, these love kernels.

Josh: Hey, kids. It's time for another Charleston again. And there are more bacon-wrapped dates. Eat 'em while you can before it's the Great Depression.

Beth: You're from here. So what? You're from a stupid small town. So was I before I moved to LA. So are a lot of people. Don't be ashamed of where you come from or who you are.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Mona: Don't you like this rug? 
Nathaniel: Yeah, it's not bad. 
Mona: I think it'd be great for the living room. It's beautiful. It's tasteful, practical, it's fun. It's perfect.
Nathaniel: Yes, it is, it is. It's perfect. It literally is perfect. I don't know. I'm just not in love with it. 
Mona: Okay. We'll find something else.

Bert: Well, maybe it's not mental illness. Maybe it's just your imagination.

Rebecca: I've done some not great things to people, and I think what's killing me is I always get away with it. I don't know why. Is it because I'm smarter than other people? Maybe I'm cuter?
Rick: Maybe it's cause you manipulate people.
Rebecca: Okay, well, stop talking, Rick, or I'm gonna give your hamachi to Lana. That proves your point. Yep. I do that.

Heather: Why are you so obsessed with making this birth a group hang?
Darryl: It is not a group hang. I'm just having a few people over. These people are my family, my support system, my rock. They love me. And they love that I look like Tom Selleck.

Heather: The Braxton Hicks are just the practice contractions, remember? Oh. Oh, ow. Tight, tight, tight, tight, tight. Bowling ball, bowling ball, bowling ball, bowling ball.
Darryl: Oh, does it hurt? Maybe it's not a practice contraction. Maybe this is a real one.
Heather: No, I don't think so. I mean, I did see a bloody clump of mucus fall into the toilet bowl earlier, but-
Darryl: Wow. The miracle of birth. Is it another Toni Braxton? Oh, that unbreaks my heart.
Heather: Um, no. I'll let you know when they get painful. Oh, it's right now. So get the car. Get the car right now. It's right now. Okay, thank you. Oh, Toni Braxton. Oh, Brandy and Monica. Aaliyah? Anybody?

Paula: Why does [my list] say "having sex with Greg's dad"? Ugh.  You had sex with Greg's dad. Right. No, you didn't. No. No way.
Josh: That's on mine, too. 
Nathaniel: Mine, too.
Rebecca: Yeah, um, so I just I didn't know what list to put that on. I just thought everyone should know.

Josh: You sent me poop? Your poop?

Josh: Sorry, back up. Someone tried to kill my lolo?
Nathaniel: Ah, that was more me. I like to think I wasn't really gonna go through with it, but whatever. Even if I did, he had a nice long life.
Josh: Rebecca tried to have my father deported?
Nathaniel: Again, that was me. But to be fair, I was promised sex.
[Josh punches Nathaniel]
Nathaniel: Oh, gawd. Okay, I deserve that.

Rebecca: Leave me alone, you turtlenecked manifestation of my guilt.

Rebecca: I thought you were in Iowa.
Trent: I-O-was. But I missed you, and now I'm-a-back.

Nathaniel: Mona!
Mona: Hey. I was in the shower.
Nathaniel: Gawd, I texted you. I even called.
Mona: A voice call? What's wrong?

Heather: Nurse? Nurse? 
Nurse: Can I help you? 
Heather: Yeah. I was wondering, who played Uncle Jesse on Full House?
Nurse: I think it was John Stamos.
Heather: John Stamos. Oh, my God. My brain has shrunk way more than 5%. I used to know everything about Full House.
Nurse: Is that all?
Heather: Yeah. Thanks. John Stamos, I'm so sorry.
Darryl: I saw the nurse coming in. What's happening? Are you okay?
Heather: No. I forgot who John Stamos was.
Darryl: I can't believe how calm you are. On tv shows, pregnant women, they're always crying and screaming and punching their husband in the face.
Heather: Yeah, well, those shows were written by men. I got an epidural, remember? I don't feel a thing. Paula was right actually. Birth is beautiful when you get pain relief cause then you just do crossword puzzles and binge watch Top of the Lake.

Darryl: I named her Hebecca. It's a combination of Heather and Rebecca.
White Josh: Oh. Mmm hmm. Yeah? Okay.
Darryl: Well, they said I had 24 hours if I wanted to change it.
White Josh: Oh, thank God. It is a bad name.

Rebecca: You believe me?
Nathaniel: Yes, I do, but I don't know if anyone else will. To the cops and a jury, it looks like you crashed your ex-boyfriend's party, and then pushed another ex-boyfriend off of the roof who was working there completely legally as a waiter.

Nathaniel: Pain causes anger and fear causes drama.

Edited October 13, 2018 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Darryl: So I guess I'll be acting as Rebecca's counsel. Um, full disclosure, I specialize in real estate law.

George: Why do you need these [machetes] again? I mean, don't get me wrong. I enjoyed purchasing them. Nothing like walking up to a cash register with just an armful of murder. Bet I'm not on any watch lists now.
Nathaniel: I told you. I need a machete for my excursion.
George: Does everyone take a machete on a camping trip?
Nathaniel: It's not a pansy-ass camping trip. It's an intense outdoor survivalist excursion. That's why it's called Death Wish Adventures.
George: Love that name. Sounds therapeutic.
Nathaniel: Oh, it is, it is. And for the low, low price of $100,000, I pay this company to beat me up, drive me out to the middle of the woods, and leave me alone to fend for myself. I can't wait!

Josh: Maybe I have a disorder.
Hector: What, dude? 
Josh: Yeah, think about it. Those things about Rebecca, they're not the only things I've missed, like, in life. I didn't realize being a priest would be such a bummer. I didn't realize I was dancing at a gay bar for, like, a month. I didn't realize your mom doesn't like it when I whistle in the shower.
Hector: Now that you bring it up, it's weird you live with my mom.
Josh: You lived with your mom.
Hector: She's my mom.

Josh: See? I have a disorder.
Hector: Maybe. Or maybe you're a little oblivious, self-absorbed, and need to be more aware of the world around you.
Josh: No. Disorder. 
Hector: Or -
Josh: Disorder. I have one. I wonder which one.

Rebecca: Gawd, this place is terrible.
Nicky: It's terrible in jail? Wow, really insightful analysis of the criminal justice system, Harvard.
Rebecca: How do you know I went to Harvard?
Nicky: Well, other than, "I deserve this," that's the only thing you've said since you got here.
Rebecca: Oh, sounds like I worked it in organically.
Nicky: What?
Rebecca: Well, sometimes it sounds like you're bragging. Like, when people ask where you went to college, and you say, "I went to school in Boston," and they say, "Where in Boston?" and you say, "Cambridge," and they say, "Do you mean Harvard?" and you say, "Yeah," and they say, "Well, why didn't you just say Harvard?" and you say, "I didn't want to sound like I was bragging," and, omigawd, I'm in jail! You can comfort me.
Nicky: Yeah, I'm good.

Rebecca: I just figured out what my penance will be - making a contribution to my theater class. I suggested we do South Pacific, which everyone loved, and the thing I'm marinating on is what do we do next? And I'm thinking Pippin.
Paula: Scottie Pippen from the Bulls? 
Rebecca: I can't. Wow, how are we friends? No, Pippin. It's a musical.
Paula: Look, honey, I'm glad that you found a pastime -
Rebecca: A penance.
Paula: I am going to get you out of here. And the good news is that I'll probably be able to do it before you do Cats. 
Rebecca: Oh, I would never do Cats. Come on. I'm not that much of a dork.

Josh: So according to these quizzes, I have ADHD, OCD and synesthesia. When I think about the number five, I see the color blue and I smell daisies.
Heather: Daisies have no scent.
Josh: They do if you have synesthesia.
Heather: Yeah, Josh, you don't have any of those things.
Hector: You really don't. 
Josh: Yes, I do. Okay, for example, my OCD is why I list things. Watch. Here are the beers you have here: pilsner, pale ale, lager, hard cider, IPA, porter, stout and Hefeweizen. Explain that.
Heather: Yeah, you worked here. That's why you know those.
Hector: I thought listing was an autism spectrum thing.
Josh: Exactly. I have that, too. Look right here. 
Heather: Josh, where did you get these quizzes again?
Josh: Quimblepop. 
Heather: Quimblepop? 
Josh: Also they're doing original programming now. Have you seen Terrier Chef? Awwww.
Hector: Josh, online quizzes are just click-bait; they're not real. I once took a quiz, it told me I was Miranda from Sex and the City. 
Heather: When you're clearly a Charlotte.
Hector: Oh, I thought I was Carrie.
Heather: No, no, baby, no. I'm Carrie. Look, Josh, I really respect your search for self, but these are actual disorders people suffer from, and you're treating it like you're just, like, identity shopping.
Hector: Yeah, it's kind of gross.
Heather: Rebecca wants to be in jail, you want to have a disorder? This is, like, a really messed up episode of Sex and the City.

George: long story, my old camp counselor is the real-life guy from 127 Hours. I wasn't there for him that day on that slot canyon, and now he has no arm.

Nathaniel: No. I don't feel better. Yet. But I will. I was pushing myself to the extreme. It's how I work through setbacks. Gets me out of my head. When I got a 1400 on the PSAT, I climbed Mount Whitney. When Stanford water polo placed third at nationals, I ran the Death Valley marathon. And when my best friend Trip joined a cult, I just straight up jumped into a frozen lake. Almost lost a toe.
George: Wow. Hot take: is it possible that this pain is not therapeutic? It's just more emotional cutting?

Rebecca: I figured out something huge. I am privileged.
Heather: That just occurred to you just right now?
Rebecca: Right. I know. It's a shock to me, too. But I am privileged. And I'm myopic.

Rebecca: I was selfish and I tried to force my own narrative on these women, and steal their stories for my own purposes. And for what? For what? For a Lin-Manuel Miranda tweet?
Valencia: Oh, he is so inspirational. Did you know he grew that ponytail just for that show?

Heather: Rebecca, I hate to break it to you, but you know, whatever you do in here, nothing is gonna change the fact that you're a rich white lawyer lady who pled guilty for dramatic effect. It's kind of gross.
Rebecca: Exactly. Yeah, it's gross. So now you expect me just to waltz out of here and not even serve my mandatory six weeks? My theater friends can't do that.
Valencia: Honey, you staying here doesn't help anyone who's been wronged, just like your guilty plea didn't help anyone you'd wronged.

Nathaniel: I don't know what it is, George. Maybe I'm just broken.
George: That is such a sad thing to say - part one. Part two, really good title for a ska song.

Josh: So that's about it. That's my life story.
Dr. Akopian: It really is. You started at conception. Interesting you know that story.
Josh: So how do we treat all these things I have? Like, which do we do first, Dr. Man Akopian? Should we do OCD first? Because I might get OCD about my OCD.
Dr. Akopian: Josh, I don't know how to tell you this. Actually, I do. You don't have any of those disorders. I really wish people would stop taking those online quizzes. They're very inaccurate. I mean, on Sex and the City quizzes, I always get Steve, but I'm clearly an Aidan.

Valencia: Rebecca, if I hear you say the word "privilege" one more time! You have privilege. I'm glad you acknowledge it. So now you have a choice. Do something good for the world that actually helps people or shut up. But stop whining.
Hector: Baller Miranda move.

Rebecca: I need to do something practical, to counteract my my pri- my, uh, systemic socioeconomic racial and cis-gender advantages. 
[Nathaniel knocks on the door]
Heather: Oh, you mean that?

Rebecca: I need to find my own answer, and it lies somewhere between jail and Hawaii.
Heather: So amazing those are your choices.

[Babalu]

18 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Rebecca: I was selfish and I tried to force my own narrative on these women, and steal their stories for my own purposes. And for what? For what? For a Lin-Manuel Miranda tweet?
Valencia: Oh, he is so inspirational. Did you know he grew that ponytail just for that show?.

I especially love this quote because Gabrielle Ruiz was in In the Heights - I think she joined the Broadway later in its run (not OBC), but I also think she was the first Crazy Ex-Girlfriend person who knew Lin-Manuel Miranda.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Paula: Hon, have you been online today?
Rebecca: That's a terrifying sentence.

Mr. Plimpton: Look who finally showed up to work - dressed like an Idaho tourist.

Nathaniel: Are you even a real lawyer?
Bert: Indeed I am. In addition to my degrees in hydro-engineering and ceramics, I also have a BA, two PhDs, an MD, a JD, and I'm down with OPP. I add that just to make it fun.

Rebecca: I'm sorry I missed Hocus Pocus. I was masturbating for six hours.
Hector: Word.

Hector: Wait, this is a POO murder house?

Heather: The only reason you think there's a ghost or whatever is because it's Halloween right now. If it was Thanksgiving, you would think there was a turkey in here.

Valencia: Ghosts are obsessed with me. In high school, I was haunted by John Candy, like, constantly. I had to look up John Candy. I had no idea who he was.

Rebecca: I'm a woman of science, not seance.

Darryl: Snailor Swift looked even better than my sketches!

Darryl: And you're dressed as a sexy-
Stacey: Yup. I put it all on at once. All the sexy things.
Madison: Gross.

Nathaniel: You guys are listening to [Bert]. Why?
Tim: Uh, your dad said he's in charge.

White Josh: Why are you freaking out about breast milk, Darryl? I was a formula baby and I am the healthiest person you know. Never had a cold.
Darryl: Yeah, I know, but you're kind of a robot.
White Josh: You're not the first person to say that and I take it as a compliment.

Nathaniel: Look at [Bert], being all nice to everyone, making them feel comfortable in the workplace. I hate him.

Bert: Bears remind me of wolves.

PI: Here's everything you need to know about Bert Buttenweiser.
Nathaniel: Buttenweiser? I knew he was a weirdo.

PI: So who are you dressed as? Anderson Cooper? No, that guy from Mad Men that looks like Anderson Cooper?

Josh: I'm a weatherman! Look! Rainy skies with a chance of precipitation.
White Josh: Rain means precipitation.

Josh: I saw this cute little koala costume and I was like who can I buy this for? And then I was like my ex-fiancée's baby that she had with her boss might need a costume so I bought it!

Valencia: These are great illusions! You're like David Copperfield without the assault allegations!

Nathaniel: The man once lived in a sewer.
Mr. Plimpton: You mean Long Beach?

Mr. Plimpton: You're a screw up who's in love with a lunatic who pushed a man off the roof.

Darryl: Did you take a picture [of Hebbie in her koala costume]?
White Josh: I took four. Josh took 78, mostly selfies, but don't worry. She's in some of them.

Castleman: I'm sorry if I scared you ladies. I know you guys all think I'm creepy but rest assured I've been watching yo the entire time, standing in an open grave.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Paula: You have got to come back to Whitefeather. I mean Mountaintop. My gawd, that name is such a barf. Bert's a kook, TIm's an idiot, Darryl's still on paternity leave, Jim has disappeared like poof, and Nathaniel is just stomping around the office like a sad handsome baby.

Rebecca: I had a tapeworm in jail so I'm looking pretty fit.

Rebecca: Wait, Josh Chan is in therapy? Double wait, you go to my shrink?
Josh: I go to her husband Davit. He has better Yelp reviews actually.
Rebecca: Oh, that's on me. I left some bad reviews on her when I was spiraling. A lot of fake accounts. It was a dark time. I should delete those.

Josh: I recently made a big decision.
Rebecca: Are you finally moving out of Hector's mom's house?
Josh: No, she's awesome!

Heather: Hey, like, no judgment like at all, but why is your shoe off in my public eating establishment?

Rebecca: How's the dating going? Give me the update on the apps! The appdate!
Josh: It's not been going great.
Rebecca: Well, maybe you're swiping the wrong people. Let me help. I have amazing taste in people.
Josh: Is that true?
Rebecca: Definitely not, but I want to swipe. This is easy. First of all, we're going to reject anyone from University of blank or blank State so goodbye, University of Ohio, Florida, Arizona State-
Jim: Go Sundevils!
Josh: Wait, who cares where someone went to college?
Rebecca: Hahahaha! Oh, once I loved you. Amazing.

Monica: Rebecca, this is insane. That apron makes you look-
Rebecca: Pretty?
Monica: Poor.

Hector: I was thinking for the actual wedding, we can do doves. I was thinking lots of flowers. I was thinking my abuela can do a hymn.
Heather: Wedding? We already had a wedding.
Hector: Well, I know. And it was sweet, but now we can have a real wedding with the people we love.
Heather: Oh, you're one of those.
Hector: You mean a person?

Rebecca: How do you know I got the letter from the bar association?
AJ: You threw it in the garbage.
Rebecca: So you just picked it up?
AJ: No, I picked it up and read it.

Heather: What's going on here? What's up?
Valencia: What's up is you got married and didn't want to have a wedding. That's like getting married and not wanting to have a wedding.
Heather: How did you know I got married?
Beth: The judge tagged you on Instagram. Also Hector told us.
Heather: Okay, well, look, our wedding's private.
Valencia: No, body parts are private. Weddings are for everybody.

Valencia: Look, I care about Hector and his happiness. Yeah, I can't say this with a straight face. We just need a beautiful couple for our website. We keep doing weddings for some real uggos.

Zoe: Your dating profile is seven pictures of you shirtless. Your Instagram is your shirtless doing karate. You totally show off your bod.
Josh: What? That's not me showing off my bod. Those are my hobbies.

Rebecca: I don't believe in destiny anymore. I just believe in taking responsibility for your own happiness.

Edited October 27, 2018 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Tommy: Don't look at me. I failed cursive. Who even reads these scribbles? What am I, Egyptian?
Brendan: Give it to me. I can read calligraphy because of that Ren Faire girl I went out with.
Tommy: Oh, yeah, Gwendolyn, with the huge-
Paula: What? Who?
Tommy: Boobs.

Rebecca: Let's go to the beach. It's only two hours away. We can go roller blade in the bike lane.

Escape room employee: Please tag us. Please Yelp us. Please kill me.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rebecca: Pretzel pairings with wine! We have Parmesan and Pinot, Roquefort and Riesling, and my personal favorite Manchego and Merlot.

Brendan: Speaking of big news, I have some.
Paula: You're going to stop calling Tommy General Buttface Jackson?
Brendan: He loves that, no.

White Josh: Hector loves this show. What is it about again?
Darryl: It's a British cop thing with a child murder in a fishing village. It stars that Swedish actress and that Scottish guy and some episodes are two hours and some are thirty minutes.

Rebecca: Can I tell you something? What I'm about to say is horrible. I see life as a contest and I'm now losing.
Dr. Akopian: What? Rebecca, I didn't hear you.
Rebecca: [whispers] I feel less than when others are doing better than me.
Dr. Akopian: Okay, I'll come sit next to you.
Rebecca: I want to cryogenically freeze all my friends to buy me some time to find a better career and a life partner and then when I'm ready, I'll wake them up and I'll throw a party for all of our mutual milestones.
Dr. Akopian: That is so messed up!

Scott: Brendan doesn't sell drugs anymore, which is kind of a bummer cause he was my weed guy.

Darryl: Ahh, it's nice to be out on the first cool day of the year.
White Josh: Yup, only 85 degrees.

Darryl: [Vic]'s the best trainer at the gym besides you. He doesn't grunt, he always puts the weights down lightly, and he always lets me quit.

White Josh: Maybe we can watch that new series about toxic waste and cancer.
Darryl: Oh, yeah. The one that won best comedy.
White Josh: Everybody Dies. Add to queue.

AJ: Saturday? That's when I do my evening intention hikes with the friends from my intramural three legged race team.
Maya: I have my ironic scrapbooking group Saturday. This week we're collaging with sexy shampoo ads from the 70s.
AJ: Feminism.

Rebecca: Fizzy is a word that means multiple things. It's like sick or bad or aloha or shalom.

Rebecca: I gotta go to a pop up candy museum then a hookah bar and then a party inside a phone booth so I gotta dip. Dip means bounce which means peace out which means leave.

Brendan: That's my mom. That's my dad. And that's General Buttface Jackson.
Tommy: At your service.

Paula: From the ages of 4 to18, I lost [Brendan] to his stupid friends and knives and girls he never told me about and masturbation and selling pot.

Paula: Long distance is so hard. Ask The Notebook.

Paula: How was your date?
Brendan: Pretty good.
Paula: Really?
Brendan: Yeah, [Veronica]'s pregnant.
Tommy: Awesome date!
Paula: What? No, you just started - you can't! Not that quickly!
Veronica: I know. I ovulated yesterday and I felt the implantation today.
Paula: WHAT?
Brendan: Yeah, so obviously Peace for Peeps is out. I'll have to go back to dealing drugs. Now that weed's legal, I guess I'll move on to oxy?

Rebecca: Young people are the worst. Attention! If you are too young to have watched the original Full House, get out! Nick at Nite doesn't count!

Rebecca: I can't believe I ruined your goodbye party. I continue to be horrible. Seriously, if I weren't me, I wouldn't talk to me.
Heather: Yeah, you were pretty terrible.
Valencia: And a very unconvincing young person. Like, were you born 40?

Edited November 10, 2018 by ElectricBoogaloo

[bettername2come]

White Josh: That's not even the correct dance language for this piece. 

 

Rebecca: No, it's funny, 'cause I was saying I was behind so you would say, "No, no, no, you're not behind. " But you said that I am. It's fine. No, it's just, it's slightly jarring when a medical professional confirms your worst fears, but that makes sense. 

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Valencia: My apartment is tiny but I've got this great couch that you can pull out to be a bed then a desk then a dining room table and then a Pilates reformer.
Rebecca: Ooh, très chic! It's like your little first-class cabin.
Heather: Exactly. Especially since the bathroom is down the hall and you share it with ten other people.

Valencia: How are you, Rebecca? Is today group therapy day?
Heather: No, V, her group is Thursday, individual therapy is Friday, equestrian share circle is Wednesday.

Valencia: You should call Paula. Isn't that what you guys like to do together? Eat food for fun instead of fuel?

Rebecca: AJ, listen to this parade of no's. George: "Did you mean to send this to me? If yes, no." Bert: "Not allowed within the Irvine city limits. " Maya: "Eek, sorry, can't. In Solvang with Emma Watson." Who says "eek, sorry" anyway? Ooh, AJ, can you come?
AJ: Eek, sorry. I'm working. For you. Right now. In front of you. 
Rebecca: Oh, right. Boo. 
AJ: If you're looking for fun, why not go on the apps? You haven't been on a date since I started working here and you're afraid your hymen is coming back.
Rebecca: Wait, how'd you know that?
AJ: You told me. Repeatedly. I was gonna report it to HR, but you are HR.
Rebecca: AJ, I just can't go on the apps. I only attract toxic or unavailable men, then I fall for them. It's a whole thing. I should tell you about it sometime.
AJ: You've told me about it. You've done nothing but talk about it. I was actually gonna report that, too.

AJ: You said you wanted a chill hang. That's not Darryl. We only met once and ended up spending the whole time talking about our mothers and crying our eyes out. Dude is extra.

Heather: Here is your burger and cabbage. I call it the No One Wants That.

Bert: Hey, Nathaniel. I went to your house but you weren't there so I called all of the dining establishments in the city until I found you. 
Nathaniel: Why? -
Bert: Oh, some mail came for you at the office yesterday, so I thought I'd bring it to you the way, you know, coworkers with a good rapport bring things to each other on Saturdays.

Bert: Uh oh, burger salad. Are you in trouble? My grandmother used to make that for me and my seven sisters when we were bad.

Paula: You don't scuba dive.
Josh: Uh, yeah, I scuba-did. When I was ten, I scuba-doved.
Paula: I thought you had another job. You're a DJ.
Josh: Yeah, that's at night. During the day I like to pick up some extra cash. Plus Hector's mom likes me to be out of the house during the day. That's when she Jacuzzis and edits the podcast.
Paula: Well, that's good. I mean, you're saving up money to move out of her house, then.
Josh: What? No. I'm not moving out. Though we could use a bigger place and we do dream about owning.
Paula: Wow. Josh. I am, as always, amazed at your utter Joshness.

Nathaniel: I forgot to charge my car and now I'm out of juice. I've been trying to get an Uber but these idiot drivers keep canceling on me.
Heather: You must have a bad rating.
Nathaniel: The ratings go both ways?Socialists.

Rebecca: Look at you! You look like a small-town mayor at a 1970s rodeo. Or, oh, you look like the guy in the porno who goes, "Nancy, I want those oil reports on my desk yesterday."
Darryl: Thank you. I go all-out for barbecue. It's like I say: "It ain't a real meal unless you suit up from hat to heel."
Rebecca: Ha! That's funny. Oh, you're fun. And anyone who said you would not be fun or would be super emo is wrong, because you're already rhyming and you're already in a costume-
Darryl: Well, this is not a costume.
Rebecca: In an outfit that screams "costume."

Josh: I think some of my issues started with potty training. My mother bribed me with candy, so I wasn't internally motivated. I mean, you really need to start with what's inside and then go outside. I got hard candy if I went number one, I got chocolate if I did number two, which I thought was kind of funny, because, like, chocolate. Oh, that reminds me! Being picked first for kickball every single time was at once an honor and a burden, and created a kind of split in my psyche. I mean, it's not that difficult of a difference. Okay shotokan, tae Kwon do. Need to count in Korean - hana, dul, set, net, dasol, yasot, iilgup, yodol. And then Japanese is ichi, ni, dan, shi, go, roku, shichi, hachi, kyuu, juu. I get them confused, sometimes, but it's really not hard at all. When I was working at Aloha, I felt so trapped in that back office. Sometimes literally, because Alex would put boxes in front of the door, and that sucked. No, sorry. That made me feel sucked.
Paula: Josh, what?
Josh: Oh, yeah. You're not in therapy. You don't get the lingo.
Paula: Well, what's the lingo for, "For the love of God, please stop talking"?
Josh: I think it's, "Let's sit with that for a minute." Dr. A says that a lot.

Nathaniel: Gawd, this car is disgusting. This is like an old mobile garbage can. - How do you live like this? 
Heather: What? There's nothing wrong with this car. It gets me where I need to go and I have access to all of my belongings which is great. Also, it's none of your business.
Nathaniel: Cool. Well, if I need a dirty shirt or an empty water bottle or hair scrunchies, I'm good to go.
Heather: Oh, yeah, cause I'm the weird one.

Mrs. Beattie: I do my bills standing over a sink eating a ripe grapefruit. Saves a plate.

Paula: There's a scratch here. 
Mrs. Beattie: Really? I don't see how. I stored it away from my leopard and my anteaters.

Heather: You were at my wedding.
Nathaniel: So what?
Heather: So that, like, bonds us. 
Nathaniel: It really doesn't. I was at Kate Middleton's wedding and we barely speak anymore.

Nathaniel: Why is your car making weird noises?
Heather: Oh, yeah. Those aren't weird. I know exactly what those are. It happens every 12 miles or so. I just duct tape the coolant hose and then I'm good to go.
Nathaniel: Wow. Crafty. Very Etsy.

Darry: You know, sometimes I think we're close, like when you give me parts of your genetic code to make a person, but sometimes it feels like you just don't like me. And I look past it because I like the good parts of you, and I know you have some challenges, but that is no excuse for you to be unkind.

Rando: I'm gonna put this on my sad cowboy Instagram meme account.

Nathaniel: I can't believe this is your car, this is what you drive. Aren't you supposed to be, like, a branch manager or something? And you drive around in an old junker? Is that what you think of yourself?
Heather: I did not ask for your opinion.
Nathaniel: It's just that people who respect themselves usually drive decent cars they keep clean. It's just a fact.
Heather: You know, I've had about enough of you. You're being a dick.
Nathaniel: Pardon me?
Heather: No, pardon you. Omigawd, you think the world revolves around you because you're all smart and tall and rich and white and spoiled and male with playful hair. 
Nathaniel: Hey, don't talk about my hair.

Nathaniel: Au pair is rich for babysitter.

Paula: So you got that from a man named Grover in Cleveland who was not Grover Cleveland?

Paula: We can't leave before we see the collection of vintage tuna containers. Ooh, and Mrs. Beattie has invited us over for dinner.
Josh: That's it, Paula! Enough! I can't stay here all night enabling your procrastination caused by an inner fear of success that's making you put off studying for your finals.
Paula: Wow, Josh.
Josh: Did I get that right?
Paula: Omigawd, I think you did.
Mrs. Beattie: Sounds right to me. But what do I know? I got 43 porcelain cats.
Josh: Only 43, huh?

Nathaniel: I'm lonely, so lonely. I don't know why I can't have that closeness with anyone else.
Heather: Well, you could try being nicer to people. That could be a good first step.

Rebecca: Dang, cowboy! You don't look like a dang cowboy.
Darryl: Well, my outfit was trashed, so I bought new duds in the gift shop. And then the, uh, molasses wouldn't budge, so I just buzzed the old duster.
Rebecca: Omigawd, you shaved your mustache. I didn't notice.
Darryl: But I did save it for the scrapbook.

Paula: Here, this came in the mail. It's apartment listings in the area. Dude, you have got to move out of Hector's mom's house.
Josh: You mean so I can establish my own boundaries, spread my wings, find my own path?
Paula: No. Because it's sad and weird.
Josh: A lot of people keep saying that to me.

Rebecca: Maybe I can be attracted to a different type of guy. Guys who aren't withholding or cold or jerks or unavailable or dating other people or immoral or married or Nathaniel or Greg or Josh. I hope one day to find someone who is as kind and as loving as you are.

Rebecca: You know, just for the record, I bet you're great in bed.
Darryl: Oh, yeah. I also have an enormous penis.
Rebecca: Good for you, buddy.

Bert: Why'd you do that?
Nathaniel: Um, well, I'm new to expressing affection. Was that not right?
Bert: Well, not exactly. But it's a start.

Heather: Hey, Nathaniel, guess who just leased a brand-new Civic, bitch!
Nathaniel: There you go.
Heather: Did you know there's Bluetooth in cars now? 
Nathaniel: Everyone knows that, yeah.
Heather: That's crazy.

[paulvdb]

1 hour ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Or, oh, you look like the guy in the porno who goes, "Nancy, I want those oil reports on my desk yesterday."

I'm pretty sure that was oral reports, not oil reports.

[kathe5133]

"I eat my own eyelashes"

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rebecca: My mom's being honored by this Jewish charity back east and I haven't seen her since I tried to kill myself, got a diagnosis, pushed a guy off the roof, and went to jail so she doesn't know the truth and it's time to tell her all that.

Maisie: Question - so last week you said you were going on the dating apps. Did you meet someone and did they think the whole jail thing was hot or weird? I'm asking for a friend. The friend is me.

Josh: "Recovering from recent suicide attempt. Have been known to stalk my exes." Wow. That is an honest profile.
Rebecca: Yup. Look, lying is bad for me. It's a slippery slope. I tell one little lie and next thing you know - jail.
Josh: I think it's okay to lie sometimes. On my profile, I don't mention that I get gassy from gluten or that my back handspring needs work. Maybe I can find you some good people. You swipe for me, I'll swipe for you. I've been out there a while so I'm kind of an expert.
Rebecca: Sure, knock yourself out.
Josh: Well, here are some obvious nos. Weird facial hair. Iguana on shoulder. Thumb ring.
Rebecca: So many thumb rings.

Josh: Thanks again so much for letting me stay here while you're out of town, Bex. I'm not sure where to go now that I've moved out of Hector's mom's place. I was too embarrassed to go home so I'm sleeping at the YMCA. Don't listen to the song. It's not fun to stay there.

Rebecca: You know, it just occurred to me - have you ever lived on your own?
Josh: Yeah, in New York. I mean, I shared the apartment with my landlord's mom but we had our own rooms.
Rebecca: Wait, didn't you and Hector's mom have your own rooms? Cool.

Rebecca: The wifi password is 525,600 minutes.

Rebecca: No matter what happens with my mother on this trip, I am so excited to see some fall foliage. I really miss East Coast seasons.
Josh: We have seasons in LA - t-shirt, sweatshirt, puffer, and tank top.

Nathaniel: I've been going through a lot lately - hideous breakup, I spilled some ashes on myself and learned how to cry.

Tim: So my eldest, he wants to play the tuba in orchestra and I'm like get an instrument's that going to get you laid! I played the snare and I lost my virginity to my high school band teacher. No, no, not like that. I was 26 at the time.

Rebecca: Thank you so so much for letting me stay with you. The last time I stayed with my mom, she drugged me.

Naomi: I've been waiting for hours!
Rebecca: I'm only ten minutes late.
Naomi: Late is late!

Naomi: Rebecca, this event is massive. Everyone who is anyone in the northern Westchester modern reformed Jewish community is coming.

Maisie: I am so mad at Tanya - orange vested bitch. Let me know if you want me to do anything about that when I get out I had an ex-fiancé who cheated on me and, well, I put cream cheese all over his car door handle. Seriously, just say the word and Tanya's mailbox is filled with, that's right, cream cheese.

Nicky: When they were processing my parole, they found a warrant for unpaid parking tickets because I failed to appear in court. Of course I failed to appear in court. I was in here!

Nathaniel: How was everyone's weekend? I went to a pumpkin patch with my mom.

Audra: You know, I think it's so wonderful that you can bring Rebecca since neither of you has husbands.
Naomi: Well, Rebecca's had your husband.
Rebecca: Okay, ladies, do we have to be so catty all the time?
Naomi: Who's being catty? I'm very happy for these two about their husbands. Audra's husband has a small penis and Marilyn's husband has droopy testicles. I'm not saying how I know this but I may also know that he likes to have them tickled.

Nathaniel: Tim! Jim! Baseball is fun. I like lemonade. Do you? Guys, where's Paula? She's AWOL again.
Jim: I don't know.
Tim: She's not at the county jail doing pro bono work for inmates while she's on the clock. I said she's not!

Rebecca: Those women are so mean!
Naomi: Of course they're mean. Do you think the world of non-profit Jewish women's charities is a warm cozy place?

Naomi: Ooh, I got an email.
Rebecca: You get notifications for emails?
Naomi: That's how emails work, Rebecca.

Rebecca: I'm not a lawyer anymore.
Naomi: You got disbarred?!

Josh: It was a lot of work [to clean the house].
Darryl: Yeah, well, it turns out that's what being an adult is - lots of work.

Josh: Rebecca loves autumn and they have these murals at the paint store. It's really easy. All I have to do is pre-trim the image, measure and etch guidelines onto the wall, apply the paste, double cut the seams, put up the panels, trim the overage, remove the excess paste, and voilà!
Darryl: Josh, you just learned how to use tin foil.

Nathaniel: It turns out there is a shocking amount of unfairness in the legal system! Did you know that?
Paula: No, I didn't. No one did. Thank gawd you figured it out.

Rebecca: Hello? I'm back from Jew hell, which is nothing cause Jews don't technically believe in hell.

Rebecca: Did you [put up the autumn mural] yourself?
Josh: I want to say yes but I know you're big on honesty, so the truth is someone else put it up after I glued my feet to the floor by accident. Also I killed Astraya and got a new one. I'm so sorry.
Rebecca: No, don't worry about that. That's like the fourth Astraya and Heather doesn't know and she never will.

Rebecca: Josh is living with me, by the way, but that's not the weird thing.
Paula: It's not?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rebecca: Usually matzoh brei is either too crunchy or hella soggy but you nailed the perfect lumpy, gooey texture.

Josh: My ten year high school reunion is coming up and I'm stoked! I may not have mentioned, but I was prom king.
Rebecca: Yeah, I know. I think it's come up once or twice. Wait, ten years? Didn't you graduate twelve years ago?
Josh: Yeah, okay, what happened was the class president is supposed to plan it and our class president is Hector.
Rebecca: Say no more. Folow through is not Hector's area.
Josh: Hector is president, but I'm king! I'm good at it too. During my rule as prom king, I ruled.

Rebecca: Dairy's tough on me but this is worth it.
Josh: I got you covered. The poopouri and the arts and leisure section of the New York Times are waiting for you in the bathroom for later.
Rebecca: That is so sweet. I'm sorry I stunk up the toity yesterday.
Josh: No problem. It made my eyes tear up but I needed a good cry.

Rebecca: AJ, have you ever felt smitten by a man doing workouts, making you Jewish breakfast eggs, and being okay with your poop?
AJ: Yes, of course.

Rebecca: Are you bringing orange slices to that guy's daughter's soccer game? The guy who I only heretofore knew as "that guy"?
Nathaniel: Nancy always brings the wedges room temp. Everyone knows you gotta slice them and ice them.

Rebecca: Paula, we gotta talk. I still got those Nathaniel and Josh feels. It feels like Season 2, by which I mean spring.

Paula: You're the perfect replacement for Brendon - a great listener and you didn't ruin my vagina.

White Josh: Great job, Mr. Class President. This is everything I'd hoped my ten year reunion would be twelve years later.
Hector: Thanks. Now that this reunion is happening, I've finally delivered on all the campaign promises I made - flip flop Fridays, t-shirt Tuesdays.
White Josh: You never did get us those two hour lunches.
Hector: I was 17. I had no idea that the school board would bury me in bureaucracy.

Heather: You're drinking like you're on a Civil War operating table.

Heather: We're dealing with a frenemy, a nemesis, or an ex. So it's an ex! Wait, no, but you dated Josh all through high school so you cheated! You really cared about this person. Omigawd, YOU WERE IN LOVE! And nobody knows. Whoa, this is so juicy. Wait, was it a girl? Oh, it was the first girl! Wait, is she here yet? Have you seen her? Oh, okay, so she's not here yet but she's on the list. Okay, I am on it. I am gonna figure this all out.
Valencia: You are the worst.
Heather: And this is the best.

Josh: Hey, what up, guys? Hey, Brandon, Kyle, Jessica, Caitlin, Marissa, Carlos, Zach, aww Parker, Roberto, Archer, Tran, oh Danny, Lindsey, Kristin, Nestor, Amy, Kelsey, aww Jax, Marcus, you all look amazing! You're all killing it. Handstand! Yes!
White Josh: Handstand on the entry. Sweet. We'll be at the full floor routine within the hour.

Rebecca: I can't believe I'm saying this. Am I meant to be with Nathaniel or Josh or both or neither?
Heather and Valencia: Neither.
Rebecca: Right, of course, because the idea of "meant to be" is a lie perpetuated by western culture.
Valencia: No, you're meant to be with Greg.
Heather: Wait, you think that? I totally think that.
Valencia: Everyone thinks that.
Rebecca: Sorry, did you say Greg? Greg from two years ago who we all haven't seen and literally never talk about? That Greg? You guys, that's insane. Lest you forget, I slept with his dad. Guys, I'm not in touch with Greg. Our relationship was terrible and toxic. We didn't get along. We fought all the time. I don't think he even thought I was pretty. He was mean to me most of the time and hated himself for caring about me and also Greg has a serious girlfriend now and I know that because, again, I slept with his dad.

White Josh: You flew all the way back from Atlanta for this [reunion]? What happened? Did you get kicked out of business school?
Greg: No, I'm here on winter break. I'm actually back for the whole rest of the series...of holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, and the finale - Valentine's Day.
Hector: Valentine's Day. I guess that is the logical end of our series...of holidays.

Rebecca: Don't take this the wrong way, but-
Greg: Good sentence opener. Always leads to something great.

Greg: And you're not a lawyer anymore? That is...not surprising. You never did seem to like it and didn't ever do any work that I recall.

Rebecca: This must be weird for you, being back in town after, what? Two years?
Greg: Actually, I have to confess - I've been back a few times.
Rebecca: You have?
Greg: Yeah, I just thought it would be best if you and I didn't see each other.
Rebecca: So you were back in town and no one told me?
Greg: I may have asked them not to. I did, yeah, I did.
Rebecca: Look, I know that things ended pretty badly between us but I didn't realize you felt the need to hide from me.
Greg: Well, I wasn't hiding per se, although now that I describe it, it bears many of the hallmarks of hiding.

Valencia: Okay, I'll tell you what happened.
Heather: Because I brilliantly wore you down?
Valencia: No, because I'm drunk and sad and I want you to stop pointing at women.

Valencia: Eventually, lab partner says, "I love you. You need to choose - Josh or me."
Heather: Is anything hotter than an ultimatum?

Josh: Oh, hey. Um, you're that guy from Rebeca's office, right?
George: Yup. It's George. Also we went to high school together.
Josh: We did?

Greg: I know we said no recriminations but there's one thing from our past that I've been really angry about. You once said that your favorite president was Rutherford B. Hayes. That has to be explained.
Rebecca: What, so you like Lincoln or Washington? One of the obvious ones?
Greg: No! Best president was James K. Polk, the only president who said he needed four years to complete his goals, did that, and then didn't run for re-election.
Rebecca: What were his goals?
Greg: No idea.

Greg: Have you considered the pretzel stick? So much easier. I mean, check this out. It's done!

Valencia: I can't ruin the career of the only non-creepy priest I've ever met. Come on! Let's get that letter.
Heather: Omigawd, this night includes a heist? We're going to Ocean's 8 this thing! Oh, no, wait. We're doing 2006 vibe tonight. We're going to DaVinci Code this thing!

Heather: I'm not NOT gonna spy on that.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Greg: Thanks for letting me crash at your place while I figure things out. It's a little awkward between me and my dad right now.
White Josh: Yeah, that makes sense. He slept with your ex-girlfriend. It's probably a little complicated.
Greg: Yeah.
White Josh: It happens, I guess?
Greg: No, it does not happen. People's dads do not go to bars and take their son's ex-girlfriend to their 50 and over retirement community.
White Josh: Okay, no details, please. I don't like thinking about it.

White Josh: You should do what I always do if I'm feeling sad or happy or confused or tired.
Greg: Work out?
White Josh: Yeah, how did you know that?
Greg: Uh, cause you work out constantly and when you stir your coffee, about eighty different muscles ripple.
White Josh: Thank you. It feels amazing. I can only imagine how good it looks.

Rebecca: I gotta get laid by someone I haven't laid already. I gotta stop thinking about my exes and move on from those same three people.
Valencia: Yeah, you need someone new! But please don't sleep with my dad, Rebecca.
[Rebecca laughs]
Valencia: Seriously, I need you to say it.
Rebecca: Okay. I won't sleep with Jorge. Even though he has kind eyes and a beautiful corazon.

Jim: What's different about you? Why do you look weaker? Oh, I know! It's your stache! It's gone!

Greg: So I just pick these [weights] up and put them down and pick these up and put them down and that's how it works?
White Josh: No sarcasm, Greg. It's a gym. No one will understand what you're saying.

Greg: Unless I find out you also slept with my dad, I'm fine.
White Josh: Oh, no. You heard.

Jason: MJ was my hero. In elementary school, I wore a Bulls hat every single day. He's the greatest player of all time. Sorry, Lebron.
Rebecca: I don't care about basketball but I had such a crush on Marvin the Martian. I mean, a man who wears a skirt? So secure. Such a turn on.
Jason: You are such a weirdo.
Rebecca: I'm the weirdo, trash can pooper?
Jason: Hey, I got applause. There were a lot of people on the street that day.

Rebecca: Stop ruining my vagina like you ruined musicals!

Greg: That tastes like chalky metal sand!

George: What people don't understand is I have very sensitive finger skin so when I'm filing documents, and I'm very often filing documents, it's a bloody mess. But then I'm told by Paula that wearing gloves is weird.
Paula: No, no, no. I never said that. I said it was creepy, then I asked if you were going to murder the papers because you looked like a serial killer. He was spurting blood all over the briefs!

Jim: I don't like the sandwich guy. Bread is wet. Everything has mayo which is basically chicken embryo mucus mixed with oil.

Father Brah: I'm a priest.
Maya: I'm a capricorn. I think this could work.

Nathaniel: I'm nice now.
Greg: You don't need to say it. You could just be it and people will think it.

Nathaniel: Those are not platonic panties!

[Trini]

"There are so many other professions, that don't turn you into Jeff Sessions"  -- This still makes me laugh!

Edited January 17, 2019 by Trini

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Darryl: Baby sniffs are my CBD oil.

Darryl: It isn't that hard to take care of a baby. Lots of people do it just fine.
Rebecca: Snooki has a baby. She has two babies!

Paula: Sunil has another widowers' camping retreat. Those are definitely orgies.

Nathaniel: After you, Mr. Man Panties.
Josh: Excuse me?
Nathaniel: Yeah, no. That ridiculous underwear you were wearing on the patio the other night. The panties.
Josh: I was in my own house, and they are not panties. They are very expensive Fett by Fett Regoso high-performance, moisture-wicking briefs, cut high for gluteal mobility.

Nathaniel: You know what, Josh? I actually don't dislike you. We are just wildly different people. You are on a different planet. We have absolutely nothing in common.
Josh: What, you don't wear underwear? Dude, that's really dangerous. Like what about zippers?

Scott: Why didn't you invite everyone to the [graduation] ceremony? It was just me and Tommy so we lost the unspoken but very real cheering section competition.

Paula: Thanks, everyone, for coming. I'm so happy you could all make it. You're all a part of my life in different ways. Husband, boss, girl group, partner, girl group, spouse, and Josh.

Nathaniel: So we're gonna pick a number, and then square off and compete against each other in your living room, and that's what middle-class people do, and that's cool?

Heather: If you're open about games, I do love traditional charades.
Valencia: Or Mafia is fun.
Everyone: Yes!
Nathaniel: Water polo.
[silence]
Nathaniel: Not an option? It is a game.

Paula: Heathers, shoplifting. 
Scott: Winona Ryder! 
Paula: Yes! Okay, duel, britches. 
Scott: Aaron Burr! 
Paula: Yes. Uh, his dad shot him. 
Scott: Marvin Gaye.!
Paula: Right. Uh she axed her parents. 
Scott: Lizzie Borden!
Paula: Yes. Uh, evolution trial.
Scott: John T. Scopes!

Josh: Um, what happened to Marvin Gaye?
Paula: Oh, his dad murdered him. Anyway-
Josh: As an adult?
Nathaniel: No, Josh, as a baby. Marvin Gaye was murdered as a baby. All the music that he made that you love, he made as a baby.
Josh: Whoa.

Hector: Stop! She does that with her eyebrow when she's about to assassinate me.

Josh: Okay, this is three names. First one is a creature in an animated movie about a cat, and last name is another movie, not animated, about a guy who's super smart and speaks in an accent.
Nathaniel: Uh, what?
Josh: Well, it says Oliver Wendell Holmes. 
Nathaniel: That's a Supreme Court justice.
Josh: No one knows that.
Nathaniel: No one knows who plays a creature in an animated movie.
Josh: Yeah, they do. It's called Oliver & Company, so Oliver.

Hector: Who was your graduation speaker? Was it Mindy Kaling? She spoke at Harvard Law in 2014. What? I stan.

Edited January 19, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Nathaniel: I can't believe that [Rebecca]'s with [Greg]. It's killing me, George. I feel so rejected and low-status. I don't like this. It hurts. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I have to do something, George. 
George: Like what? 
Nathaniel: I don't know. Something big and-and emotional and romantic and fun.
Paula: Romantic and fun? You guys talking about romantic comedies? You looking for one to watch? I'm an expert. To make your selection a little easier, here are your genres - you have your witty British ones, your workplace empowerment movies, your bro-y ones where men wax things and live on boats. And my personal favorite, the late-middle-aged fantasies where all the women wear white cashmere turtlenecks and have fantastic kitchens.
Nathaniel: Huh. I don't think I've seen any of those.
George: You've never seen any romantic comedies?
Nathaniel: They're not for me. I know Rebecca likes them.
Paula: Likes them? Uh, she loves them. Yeah. Especially the ones with some kind of powerless, nerdy underdog with a wacky best friend who feels invisible but then comes up with a scheme. And then the underdog makes a big, grand gesture and wins the person of their dreams.

George: Hot diggity. Basketball!

Paula: You're here early, sir. 
Bert: My acupuncturist canceled. Said something about a death in the family. He is fired, of course.
Paula: Uh, we're working on the Schiller case, and the Hellermen clients will be here at two.
Bert: Did you inform them that we don't do business with people who wear cheap suits? If they show up in off the rack again, they are fired. Where's my coffee? I want it scalding. Where's the Canadian?
Tim: Here I am, sir, at your ready!
Bert: I want the sixth Girl with the Dragon Tattoo book.
Tim: There's only five of those books, sir.
Paula: Yes, and the author is dead.
Bert: Oh, please send my condolences. I still want it. Get it.

Nathaniel: She's unrealistically gorgeous and he looks like a total douche. Yeah, this tracks.

Maya: FYI, I have opinions and a brain. I know that makes me hard to love.

Tim: I'm sorry, I have to go. I'm off to Sweden to talk to the estate of Stieg Larsson to see if there's an unpublished manuscript somewhere, or my head's on the chopping block. No, Dad, I can't come to Mom's 70th birthday party. I'm off to Sweden. I've been asked to choose between my relationships and my career, and I choose my career.

Maya: I'm a visual artist. I make found object collages. I use driftwood and plastic cutlery and doll parts, but you don't get it because you don't get me!

Nathaniel: [Greg]'s a great guy. He's not some jerk who wears blazers and a sweater, or sometimes two sweaters.
Rebecca: Yeah, I mean, it's California, so that'd be a lot.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Greg: How many times are we going to circle this one block?
Rebecca: Well, you go one block east, that's the freeway and one block west is the other freeway, so this is just the perfect block.

Greg: Holding hands is a strange concept. If you think about it, it actually makes more sense to hold someone's elbow - less sweaty, less germy, and the elbow gets so little love otherwise.

Rebecca: We were having so much fun together. I was thinking we could have more fun at the most romantic place on earth.
Greg: Paris?
Rebecca: Raging Waters!

Rebecca: I know you don't like water parks or amusement parks or parks.

Nathaniel: When I studied for the bar, I went to my uncle's island and unplugged.

Greg: Yes, I've changed. I don't drink, I don't punch walls, I don't hate myself nearly as much, but I'm still Greg.

Paula: I'm just so hot. I want to work topless. What do you think?
Mrs. Hernandez: Probably inappropriate...but I'd like to see what you're rocking.

Greg: It's been a really long day and I don't know if I'm in the mood to see the hair on top of Josh's pubic mons.

Josh: Have you seen this show? These Brits really know how to bake - hence the title. I really get it now.

Rebecca: Do we have any burritos? I want to take a big bite out of the side of a burrito just like fake Justin Bieber.
Josh: I have peanut butter.
Rebecca: Okay, second best.

Rebecca: I had, like, a billion drinks.
Dr. Shin: A billion?
Rebecca: Three.
Dr. Shin. Yeah. Right. L'chaim.

Scott: Did you go to Raging Waters recently?
Rebecca: Yeah. How did you know?
Scott: You smell like day old chlorine and chili cheese tots.

Dr: Roth: A lot of patients I have, when they go under for heart surgery, they say, "Doc, please don't let me die," but [Paula] said, "You have parsley in your teeth," and "How long's this going to take?"

Paula: Salads are just piles of sandwich with no bread.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Greg: My dad was the worst businessman. Everything's a mess. Look at these invoices. "Stuff," "crap," "things," "junk." That's exactly how they teach you to do it in business school.
Heather: Oh, I love these old school booths. Are you reupholstering the leather?
Greg: Dude, this is just a pop up for my senior thesis. I don't need to go full-out. Vinyl could get me the A. 
Heather: Yeah, I don't know. When I'm having a nice lasagna, I don't want my thighs sticking to a synthetic.
Greg: Okay, for that problem I'm just gonna recommend pants.
Heather: You would.

Nathaniel: [Rebecca]'s turned me down so many times.
Cybil: Yeah, what a weirdo. Why would a 7.5 turn down a 9.6? I took .4 off because your breath smells almost too good.

Josh: A friend of mine is doing your community theater revue. It's got me thinking, um, you guys need anyone to work backstage? I'm a member of the community and really good at lifting stuff.

Beth: You okay?
Valencia: Yes. Totally refreshed, like I just stood in a metal barrel and got sprayed with freezing cold air.

Beth: Three little words - Jersey City condominium.

Rebecca: are you kind of having a temper tantrum right now?
Valencia: No, I am not having a tantrum, I'm just doing a community theater musical revue so I don't have to talk to my girlfriend.

Valencia: You've never actually done this before. Are you sure it'll be everything you want it to be?
Rebecca: Correction, I have done it before. In camp, in college, and in prison.

Valencia: Uh, Rebecca? There's a mentally disturbed man in poofy shorts with chicken legs walking towards us.

Connie: Singing: zero. Commitment: a million.

Rebecca: He does not want to audition. Believe me, I mean, he's never even done theater.
Nathaniel: That's not entirely true. In high school, the theater director begged me, so in my sports off-season, I did a couple musicals.
Rebecca: Wait, what? Really? Who did you play?
Nathaniel: You know, I don't really remember. Um, I think I played Jesus a couple times, if that's even possible.
Rebecca: You played Jesus in Jesus Christ Superstar and in Godspell?
Nathaniel: Guilty.

Rebecca: I can't believe you are doing a musical.
Nathaniel: Yeah, well, I need hobbies. I stopped shooting ducks cause of the whole good person thing so I've got a lot of free time.

Rebecca: Omigawd! I got Etta Mae's Lament. Omigawd, that's, like, one of his most famous songs. It's a classic comedy song. Ethel Merman sang it, and then Gwen Verdon sang it in the revival, and then Bernadette Peters sang it in the second revival, and then Michelle Obama sang it on Glee.

Greg: Wait, you drive? 
Heather: I know. It's disturbing. He was, like, ten years old five seconds ago. So tall.
Chris: Gawd, grown ups are so weird. Constantly commenting, "Oh, look at how tall you got. " Yeah, I eat, I sleep. This is what happens.

Chris: Serrano, talk to me about your menu.
Greg: You might not like it. It's not like the Italian chains. It's authentic and homemade and doesn't come with fries.
Chris: Dude, I'll have you know, I'm the food critic for the Daily Covina.
Greg: All right, well, then you could try the lasagna, but I've got to warn you - we put actual tomatoes in our tomato sauce.

Rebecca: I know we shouldn't hold these classic songs up to our modern standards, but, gawd, this whole song is just so problematic. It plays right into the madonna-whore complex and manages to say that a woman belongs in a kitchen. You know, in the musical this is from, Saloon Nights and Injun Fights-
Josh: It's not actually called that. 
Rebecca: No, yeah, it is. Anyway, the character who sings this song is a successful madam, so she's a thriving businesswoman, but she says that she'd be willing to give it all up to be walked down the aisle? I mean, what kind of messaging is that? But beyond all of that the song, just - it's kind of dumb. What if these classic musical theater songs that I've loved for so many years and kind of based my life on are bad?

Connie: Who the hell do you think you are? Elliot Ellison redefined musical theater, and, oh, you're going to redefine a redefinement?

Beth: That pirate sounds like a dick.

Beth: You were great. You know, if I were a pirate king, I'd kidnap you, too.
Valencia: And would you marry me?
Beth: Hmm. I mean, I'd be a pirate king, so I just would do what I want.
Valencia: You don't understand anything! You don't even understand you're not supposed to come back here in the middle of a show.
Beth: You know, I think something's going on with us. You're mad at me. I can tell from the yelling and overt anger.

Darryl: That is it, April! I'm an apple man. Paula is my apple, and I need to try new fruit but I can't because I'm afraid of all the change at work. Nathaniel came in and Karen left, and then Bert came in and Jim left. And then he came back and then Rebecca left. And through it all, Paula has been there, and that's why I'm so upset.
April: You got all of that from "Apple Man"?
Darryl: Yes, of course.
April: But you didn't get it from the song, "Good Bosses and Friends Let Their Employees Soar Elsewhere If Need Be"?
Darryl: No, I didn't connect with that one.

Rebecca: I'm not a writer-performer. I'm not Ike Barinholtz.

Greg: If this were a real opening, we would've done huge numbers. It's like people actually like this place.
Heather: Dude, you don't get it. They always did. It's just when your father ran this place, he was a drunk and a terrible businessman and he ran it into the ground.
Greg: No, this place failed because West Covina turned their back on this restaurant. That's one of the reasons why I hated it here.
Heather: Yeah, that's not true.

Darryl: You need to take one of those great offers, Paula. 
Paula: I know. 
Darryl: It took one of the songs last night for me to realize that.
Paula: Was it the one called "Money Isn't Everything Unless It Gets Your Family Out Of Debt And Sends Your Kid To College"?
Darryl: No, I didn't vibe with that one.

Valencia: I want to get married. Everyone I grew up with is married. I've planned a billion weddings for people who love each other a lot less than you and I do and aren't as attractive as we are.

Greg: I'm sorry I missed your theater thing. How was it? 
Rebecca: Oh, it was terrible. Yeah, uh, yeah, I got yelled at, I got called an idiot, and then I got fired.
Greg: Wow. That sucks.
Rebecca: Yeah, I mean, there were some good parts, there were actually some really good parts, but mostly, I got my dreams stomped on.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Paula: At my old firm, the view was of an animal clinic, a body shop, and an online tuxedo rental place.

Beth: I hear you. You want me to propose. I'm not ready. How much longer are we going to argue about this?
Valencia: Until I have something oval cut on my finger. Why can't you just let me have this? I love you. I want us to spend our lives together and I've always dreamed about being a bride.
Beth: Is this part of what you always dreamed of? Bullying the person you love into proposing?
Valencia: Yes! Isn't it magical? Say it's magical!

AJ: How do you feel about Josh now? Or Greg? Or Nathaniel?
Rebecca: I honestly don't know. I just can't believe this is still happening. It's so painful and exhausting.
AJ: Yeah, I get it. It sucks. You have three gorgeous men to choose from. All of my matches on Tinder are grifters from the Czech Republic, but you're right. You have a huge problem.

Darryl: [Greg] forgave you for bopping his pop.
Rebecca: Oh, gross.
AJ: You did it! He just said it.

Heather: Hector is like having a kid sometimes. It's like having a kid before I have a kid. Other than the kid I gave birth to which doesn't count.
Valencia: At least you're married. Beth left town and didn't even answer my ultimatum. I thought the whole of an ultimatum was trapping someone into giving you an answer.

Josh: I need you to stand down.
Nathaniel: Literally what do you mean?
Josh: You heard me. Stand down. This morning I declared to Rebecca that I care about her. I cared about her before you did. You cared about her at the theater the other day but before that, I cared about her, like when we moved in together.  But before that, yes, it was you but before that, we almost got married. And, yes, before that you guys kissed in the elevator but before that at summer camp, it was me so I say to you, sir, stand down.
Nathaniel: Oh. Huh. I'm not going to do that. That's not something people do. You made a declaration to Rebecca. I get it. You're talking to the king of declarations. Look, if someone made a supercut of all the times I declared my love to Rebecca, it would be...long.

Jesse: You can't spell Jesus without Jesse.
Rebecca: Yes, you can.

Greg: How great is that pizza bianco?
White Josh: It was delicious. In fact, I would like for you to refer to me as Josh Bianco from now on.
Darryl: You took off all the cheese and soaked up the oil with a paper towel and ate that.

White Josh: Wait, someone say "stand down" again!

Greg: Rebecca and I are over. She has no interest in me.
Nathaniel: He doesn't know about the white board.
Josh: We gotta show him the white board.
White Josh: Please show us the white board!

Greg: Whoa, this is nuts. This is awful. She's making lists?
Darryl: They're columns! I'm going to trademark "columns."
White Josh: You're going to trademark the word "columns" or just the concept of columns?

Audra: I'm just doing what you did. You escaped our restrictive upbringing and started a cute business. You have great friends and you've dated 9.6's despite being solidly a 5.

Heather: Cool text from Hector. "Which one is the smoke detector and which one is the carbon monoxide detector? Guess it doesn't matter. I set off both."

Audra: I hope Jesse's okay. He's hypoglycemic, and the only thing that helps is sex.
Rebecca: Audra, you know who this guy really is, right?
Paula: Yeah, honey, I mean, I know he's got that sleazy, oily, shaved all over, bad boy charm. Ugh. But he's a loser.
Audra: Jesse is not oily. He's just naturally moist.

Rebecca: Audra, I'm flattered that you've been inspired by my life choices, and I know how you must see me, you know, as a hardworking and very decisive pretzel entrepreneur who has taken many a lover out in West Covina.

Audra: I love my family, but triplets are rough, okay? And we're all alone. It's just me and David and our three au pairs. It's so much. There's always something touching my breasts.

Valencia: When I saw that Denise Martinez pressured someone into a proposal, I realized ultimatums are super basic, so I don't want to do them anymore.