Crazy Quotes: Body Rolls Are Hard

[Whimsy]

Ok, start posting those quotes!  I couldn't remember any off the top of my head (need to write them down!), but I will update the thread title with a great one when we get some posted.

[Whimsy]

Ok, I re-watched to grab some quotes.

 

“skating on boards is fun”

 

“Time is a funny thing.  Sometimes time itself tells you it’s time to move on to other moments in time.  When that time arrives you can’t really predict it.  You can’t explain it.  You have to obey the ticking clock that is destiny.  I think this is that time.”

 

“You left a job in New York to live near the beach? We’re four hours from the beach.  People say two, but those people are dumb”. 

 

“I hope this isn’t another stunt like your little suicide in law school.  You didn’t even break the skin and you inconvenienced a lot of people”.  Ok, that on it’s own is very morbid, but I just loved how Rebecca casually reached over and hung up her phone.

 

“I need help setting up my computer.  I’m like a total grandma”

 

“Lindsey Lohan wears those.  She’s been to jail six times and has fake hair.  Did you know that?”

 

“I like the wolf with the bandana”

 

Chief: “Her Jew went to USC Long Beach.  My Jew, Harvard”

Rebecca: “Let’s circle back about the Jew thing cuz that’s a conversation we need to have”

 

Greg: “Yes, like a date because you’re pretty and you’re smart and you’re totally ignoring me so you’re obviously my type.”
Rebecca: “Sorry, what were you saying?”
Greg: “Perfect”

 

The whole Sexy Getting Ready song is funny but I particularly love “body rolls are hard”

 

“One day it’s going to hit him like a bag of nails to the balls”

[arc]

Rebecca:"Do you want some boba? It actually horrifies me, personally it's like drinking little tumors,"

 

Rebecca: "I've had many sexual partners since. Clean as a whistle, though!"

 

Rebecca: "You know, I sent a drop of blood to a wellness coach one time, and they said my blood type works best with Panda Express."

Valencia: "Really?"

Rebecca: "No. No, it doesn't."

Valencia: "Oh, you were making a joke."

Rebecca: "Yeah, yeah. *laughs*"

Valencia: "Yeah, I think you did that once before. Sorry, I don't like humor."

Rebecca: "O-kay."

 

Rebecca: "What's up with your resting Maggie Smith face?"

 

*Rebecca and Valencia hug*

Rebecca: *muffled* "You smell like roasted corn."

Valencia: "Huh?"

Rebecca: "I said, you smell like roasted corn!"

Valencia: "Oh... thanks!  God, I can't believe you did it!"

Rebecca: "Well, I went to Harvard. I don't mess around."

Valencia: "Do all people who go to Harvard say it as much as you do?"

Rebecca: *nods* "Yeah."

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Greg: This guy Beans - we call him that. He's Mexican. That sounds racist but he named himself that. He kind of makes us call him that. We don't want to. His actual name's Bernard.

 

Nipsey: This is how you get ready? This is horrifying, like a scary movie or something, like some nasty ass patriarchal bull shit. You know what? I gotta go apologize to some bitches.

 

Greg: I don't know much but what I do know is it's not good to hook up with a crying girl.

 

Paula: Do you want to go drive by Josh's house?

Rebecca: You know where he lives?

Paula: This is going to be so much fun!

 

Nipsey: Denise, I'm sorry that I showered you with Cristal. I didn't even ask if you liked champagne. It probably messed up your blow out. Ashley, I realize now that it wasn't right for me to tell you what to do with that big fat butt. You can wiggle it or you can sit it down in a classroom and get that college degree in communications. Chelsea, I'm sorry I put you in a bikini made of gold coins and then made you dance on the roof of my Bentley. I realize now that metal conducts heat and that was probably a very uncomfortable experience. Anyway, hit me up whenever you get this. I'd love to discuss The Second Sex by Simone de Beauvoir which I just read.

Edited October 27, 2015 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rebecca: I'm not copying [Valenica]. I'm just heavily influenced by her, like how Picasso was influenced by early portraiture before he created the Cubist movement.

Greg: You went to Harvard. We get it.

 

Greg: How many bras are you wearing?

 

Huge Fro Guy: Next week we're having a sale on clementines. Tiiiiighhhht!

 

Paula: You know that Luna bars are for women, right? I think they have menstrual blood in them.

[Ohwell]

Paula: You know that Luna bars are for women, right? I think they have menstrual blood in them.

I thought that was soooooo gross and unfunny. 

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Josh: Don't you have work or something?

Rebecca: Actually today is weekend Tuesday. Yeah, it's like casual Friday but even more chill and on a Tuesday and we make up for it by working Saturdays once a quarter.

Josh: That sounds confusing.

Rebecca: I don't disagree.

 

Paula: I wake up every morning in cold sweats worried that I'm wasting my entire life with a man who spends all his time with a barbershop quartet called the West Brovinas.

 

Paula: Drop out of school.

Kids: School is stupid!

 

Greg: Wow, charming on you looks really great.

 

Rebecca: I was going to apologize for that and then I forgot.

 

Greg: Wow, a flyer. Is it also like a church bake sale too?

 

Greg: Let's review. We've been out twice. The first time, we kissed and then you started crying. The second time, you kissed a girl, she didn't like it, and she left crying. We don't have a good track record here.

 

Rebecca: True, we've had some altercations, if that's what you want to call them, but that's the hallmark of, like, a strong friendship, you know - saying the worst possible things to each other and then going to a party.

 

Rebecca: I tried extending the olive branch to you and you just took those olives and you plucked them and you chopped them up into a tapenade of reproach.

 

Rebecca: We kind of have a Sam and Diane thing going on except it's unpleasant and unsexy.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Heather: Look, just as a tip, we don't actually, like, talk to each other around here. That guy has lived next door to me for, like, eleven years and, like, I say "guy" but honestly, it could be, like, a stack of cats in a jumpsuit.

 

Heather: What time should I come over?

Rebecca: Wait, you want to come?

Heather: Not to party or anything but just, like, to watch you. I kind of think you're fascinating actually. I'm taking abnormal psych at the JC and I think you would make, like, a really good paper.

Rebecca: Why, thank you, madame.

Heather: Yeah, see, like that. That would just be, like, an A, right there, like, done.

 

Tommy: Yeah, I'm just so bad in school.

Heather: Dude, let me tell you something right now. Being good at school means nothing. Like, see [Rebecca]? She went to Harvard and she's a mess. Dude, I was horrible at school but that's because instead of reading their stupid books, I was busy reading everything Salinger ever wrote.

Tommy: And you're, like, totally successful and rich now, right?

Heather: Not at all, but I'm cool and that's what really matters.

 

Rebecca: We're fine. I'm swallowed my barf.

Josh: She swallowed the barf!

 

Greg: Wow, this party's a real who's who of who?

 

Greg: You know, you're really starting to fit in here.

Rebecca: Thank you.

Greg: That's not a compliment.

Edited November 1, 2015 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Heather: Jean-Paul Sartre said that we are our choices, and this woman's choices are nuts. Like she's seriously bonkerballs.

Professor: Heather, we don't use terms like that in abnormal psychology.

Heather: Oh, I'm sorry. Bonkerballs isn't in the DSM-V yet?

 

Paula: In that youtube tutorial we watched, tonyhawkfan49 said if you want to stop, you lean back on your tail.

Rebecca: That's only useful advice if you're riding a dog.

 

Paula: The last thing you need right now is a conversation with a pathological narcissist.

 

Heather: So how are you? And feel free to use specific words like despondent or hopeless or on a scale from one to ten, rate your suicidal thoughts.

Rebecca: I'm having the worst day, dude, so I've decided to eat my feelings and it turns out my feelings are pork rinds, whoopie pies, and mac and cheese. Yeah, I'm going full on Cathy cartoon.

Heather: Can you not do that? Because we share a wall and I don't want to hear you barf-crying later.

 

Jason: Carpal tunnel.

Rebecca: Oh, desk job?

Jason: No, Call of Duty: Black Ops 3.

 

Heather: Subject demonstrates lack of judgment combined with poor impulse control.

[looks at guy next to her at the bar]

Do you want to get weird?

 

Paula: I have turned over enough leaves in my life for a whole forest.

 

Greg: Man, you're like a broken record.

Kid: Dude, I don't even know what a record is.

Greg: You don't understand. You're too young. I like Rebecca but I don't like Rebecca. I have very positive feelings of attraction towards her but I also kind of want to punch her in the arm.

Kid: You just described fifth grade.

 

Greg: I saw those pics on instagram. Looked like outtakes from a porn shoot.

Josh: Thanks!

 

Greg: What are you drinking? Leprachaun blood?

 

Greg: I still like you. And I know I shouldn't. I don't want to. You're not that nice to me. You're weird.

 

Josh: The whole Harper Lee thing, that was just because I love her husband, Bruce Lee.

 

Greg: The West Covina taco festival, the second best thing to do in this town besides leave.

 

Rebecca: Gregory, we are on a date. Let's engage in some date conversation. Who is your favorite president? Mine is Rutherford B. Hayes for obvious reasons.

 

Greg: I don't do cauliflower. They're like albino broccoli.

 

Rebecca: Once a week, I google trivia about the Triangle Shirtwaist factory fire.

Greg: Shut up! I love that fire! That's like my favorite fire!

Rebecca: No, stop messing with me. I know it's weird.

Greg: Why is it weird to be obsessed with the flashpoint that singlehandedly reignited labor reform in the U.S.?

 

Guacamole contest host: Echo Park, also known as the Brooklyn of southern California!

 

Greg: The hipster [guacamole] tastes like soy candles and indie bands.

 

Guy: You can't monopolize the bathroom at a taco festival!

 

Hipster: Hey, you finished, right?

Rebecca: Yeah, I finished a bunch.

Hipster: You're welcome.

 

Josh: [The Aloha Center] asked me if I went to Harvard, but not in a good way.

Rebecca: What other way is there?

Edited November 3, 2015 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Paula: These people are such garbage!

Paula: Being a good person is overrated. Who cares about that?

Josh: Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. I haven't been to confession in three years.

Father Brah: My son, you must repent and do five thousand Hail Marys.

Josh: That's so many.

Father Brah: Nothing but net - in Christ!

Tim: Paula, please. I need this job. I alienated everyone at my firm in Winnipeg.

Paula: Shocking.

Tim: I came out to LA for a convention and I met Darryl at a strip club. We had a night that we swore we'd never speak of again. I've been at the firm ever since watching my long Os and pretending not to like hockey.

Madison: This one is Snaily Minaj. This one is Snailor Swift. And this one is Snaily Rae Jepsen.

Darryl: Thank you, Iggy Isnailea. I appreciate that.

Rebecca: Greg's gonna suck it, Greg's gonna suck it, Greg's gonna suck it!

Father Brah: What matters is what you do, not what you think. What God cares about are our actions.

Stacy: Why in the world would you even take on this case? What's wrong with you?

Rebecca: Off the top of my head, l'd say low self esteem, a lack of maternal affection, and a genetic predisposition for anxiety and depression.

Rebecca: Crazy's a pejorative term. It's an overgeneralization of a number of disorders.

Tim: Paula, are you not going to turn me in to the federales?

Paula: Don't pretend you have the plight of an actual immigrant, dickweed.

Greg: I can't say you're a good person but I saw what you did for Darryl today so I can say you're a good friend. Not to me.

Edited November 11, 2015 by ElectricBoogaloo

[Rhetorica]

"I'm making pies for people that I hate. Which is mixed emotions for me, because I like pie."

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rebecca: [My mom and I] watch the world dog awards. We just roll some craisins in turkey slices, make little logs, and body shame some puppies.

 

Greg: My dad's not going to be happy I'm moving out but I figure I tell him over Thanksgiving dinner then we'll patch things up over buffalo mozzarella and prosciutto just like they did in the first Thanksgiving.

Chris: Wait, really?

[Rebecca side eyes him]

Chris: I go to public school.

Greg: Obviously.

 

Rebecca: Bye, Valencia! I like your sleeveless crocheted trench coat!

 

Greg: [Valencia]'s probably in a bad mood because it's Thanksgiving. She goes to Josh's house and it's tough for her.

Rebecca: What? To bask in the warm embrace of a loving Filipino family? Why is that tough?

Chris: You don't know? The Chans don't like Valencia. Because Asians don't like dumb people.

Rebecca: Chris!

Greg: So mildly racist.

 

Rebecca: I've never been to this place. There's a lot of bok choy. And live fish with whiskers. And all the Asians.

 

Greg: Every day I work in this bar, I feel like I'm eating a sandwich of bile and tears.

Kevin: Eww.

 

Greg: I quit using a cash register that spells mojito with an H.

 

Paula: [Rebecca] saw her parents murdered in front of her. In an alley. In Gotham.

Mrs. Chan: Oh, dear. Just like Batman!

Rebecca: Paula's joking. My parents aren't dead. They're just abandoning and frigid.

 

Paula: I would ask [Rebecca] to come to my house but we're going to Paris. Because that's where we autumn. It's like wintering but cheaper.

 

Josh's text: Hey Becks, heard you're spending turkey day with me and my fam-bam! Suh-weet!

 

Valencia: I would love to go to your book club too, Mrs. Chan. I actually just read a book. It's about journaling. Liam Shell wrote it. Lots of blank pages. So it's basically a journal.

 

Rebecca: Oh, honey, look at that. You barely ate anything. You must be starving.

Valencia: Of course I'm starving. I've been starving since 1998.

 

Valencia: We have history. We have chemistry.

Rebecca: That's a lot of academic subjects.

 

Valencia: I don't need chicken soup. Chicken soup is just hot melted fat water.

 

Valencia: You didn't even sit next to me.

Josh: I told you I wanted to be close to the turkey. I like the skin!

 

Rebecca: It's gone quiet. Did she kill him?

 

Rebecca: My butthole's the gateway to hell!

 

Rebecca: What are you doing here?

Greg: You promised me a drink. I got tired of waiting.

Rebecca: Okay, so you just showed up? Like phones don't exist?

Greg: I decided we're past courtesy. I brought tacos and tequila, the food of our forefathers. Well, not really yours. Or mine.

 

Rebecca: Clench, Becky!

 

Greg: Why does Netflix always want me to watch Leaving Las Vegas? What are they trying to tell me?

 

Mrs. Chan: All I ask is if you're going to go against the church and live in sin, be consistent and use contraception.

Edited November 17, 2015 by ElectricBoogaloo

[Jesse]

Valencia: I would love to go to your book club too, Mrs. Chan. I actually just read a book. It's about journaling. Liam Shell wrote it. Lots of blank pages. So it's basically a journal.

 

I'm pretty sure Lea Michelle wrote it.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

I'm pretty sure Lea Michelle wrote it.

OMG, I am CRACKING UP that I thought she said Liam Shell. I don't even have a good excuse like I was on cough medicine or something.

[Jesse]

I mean, they do sound the same!

[Whimsy]

I heard Liam Shell too, lol!

[Rhetorica]

Paula: "Our marriage is like the Walking Dead. We're just trying to get out of it alive."

[sacrebleu]

Calvin:  "You have the no-nonsense honesty and raw emotional insight that I look for in a commercial real estate lawyer."

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Paula: Greg is your Jacob but we all know you're going to end up with Edward. Because you're Bella.

Rebecca: What is that reference?

Paula: Twilight! It's only the great love story since Shakespeare - in Love.

 

Calvin: Your perfume is delightful.

Paula: Thank you. I rubbed a magazine on myself this morning.

 

Darryl: Karen said she smelled vodka on you.

Rebecca: That's ridiculous. Vodka doesn't smell.

 

Calvin: I was born in Prescott but I knew a small town wasn't for me so I moved to the big city.

Paula: Phoenix?

Calvin: Tucson.

 

Dr. Phil: Do I really need to tell you don't take a pill you found on the bathroom floor next to the toilet?

 

Rebecca: What is Karen doing? She put two spaces after a period. What is this, 1997? Well, those have to go. What are these? Oxford commas? Well, those have to go too.

 

Calvin: Do you like jazz? Hot jazz?

Paula: Is there any other kind?

 

White Josh: Bros before tables.

 

Hector: The nicest thing I ever did for a girl was pull out. She has tandem parking so after I'm there for a while, I have to pull out which is such a pain cause it feels so great just to leave it in there. The worst is when it's alternate side of the street parking cause then I gotta park it in back. I don't even get why there's a spot back there. It's so tight. Feels more like an exit. So then I'm going front, back, front, back and it's all dirty in the back so when I move it to the front, then that gets all dirty.

 

Rebecca: Omigawd, it's a prescription pad. She wouldn't have left it by the window if she didn't want someone to take it, right?

Heather: Yeah, it's like a wizard test.

 

Heather: You're small but you've got these British nanny sized boobs.

 

Paula: I love jazz. The Charlie Brown theme song, come on.

[Rinaldo]

Paula: He's like a stalker, OK? Nobody likes a stalker. [Picks up her binoculars in order to spy on Josh and Valencia.]

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Paula: How's that new grief support group?

Calvin: Well, they serve a substandard cheddar and generic chocolate chip cookies, but the sharing and the grieving is great.

 

Paula: You're wearing pantyhose. Ewwwww.

 

Flashback Rebecca: Poached eggs, slightly hard - your favorite!

 

Paula: Who cares what an old lady thinks about your life?

Rebecca: Not me! I'm a grownup!

Paula: Yes. And nothing sells that better than yelling, "I'm a grownup!"

 

Heather: You got really drunk and then you slow danced with that giant fish.

 

Greg: Does this present say, "Our mom sucks but I'm going to try very hard not to hold it against you"?

Heather: No, it says you're old and still think kids play outside.

 

Mrs. B: You said not to criticize so I'm not criticizing.

Rebecca: Well that in itself is criticizing. You know that.

 

Rebecca: It's over on East Cameron which is basically the Park Avenue of West Covina.

 

Rebecca: I had to break up with him. I know, he was a Saudi prince but he wouldn't convert and that's a dealbreaker for me. He was so upset when I told him. You should have seen his face. He couldn't drag race his Porsche for weeks afterward.

Mrs. B: Why was a prince in West Covina?

Rebecca: He wanted to buy it.

 

Mrs. B: A British Jew? That is fabulous!

 

Greg: Romanticizing the working class perpetuates economic disparity.

 

Nguyen: Thanks, Mr. Chan.

Josh: Oh, it's just Josh.

Nguyen: Okay, Mr. Josh.

 

Paula: That stupid ring your family holds on to like hobbits?

 

Rebecca: You are a horny unemployeed divorcee who married an Irish Catholic.

 

Mrs. B: Happy? What's happy? That's a term for stupid people.

 

Greg: Cute like a hamster playing the piano? Or cute like a man who's handsome and not cute?

Edited December 2, 2015 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Josh: That movie was so us.

Greg: Except none of us have cancer. Yet.

Josh: I totally relate to Chad, the sensitive jock who eats clean and journals hard.

Hector: Yeah, and I'm so the bad boy rich kid who sleeps with that hot girl in remission.

Valencia: And I am so exactly like that caring nurse who donated her bone marrow.

Greg: You didn't feel any connection to the vein yoga instructor?

Valencia: She was fat.

 

Josh: They have art at the beach. They have that lady who paints bikinis on the girls.

 

White Josh: It's just not going to be the same without your running commentary about the sand.

 

Josh: Whoa whoa whoa, a girl? An extra person? But that would mean we'd have to take two cars. The classic crew fits in one car. Firm no, dude.

 

Paula: You are just setting yourself up for another one of your disasters.

Rebecca: What do you mean "another one of my disasters"?

Paula: Taco festival, the spiders debacle, getting stuck in your shrink's doggy door, begging a client to sleep with your mother, and lest we forget, poopsgiving.

 

Greg: They give grades in pole dancing?

 

Valencia: There's only reason [Rebecca] did [a pole dance].

Rebecca: Yeah, to get the party started for my crew.

Valencia: By showing my boyfriend your cervix?

Heather: I don't think you understand the female reproductive system.

 

Josh: Wait, you guys hooked up right when Rebecca moved here?

Greg: If you could call it that. I would call it something that should never have been spoken of on a party bus.

 

Greg: You wouldn't appreciate this [craft beer] because your palate froze in 2006 when you drank too many slurpees in a row.

Josh: You don't need a palate to drink a beer. You need a glass.

Greg: That's right, genius.

Josh: Oh, so now I'm dumb?

Greg: No, not now. Always.

[Eyes High]

Greg and Josh's argument was some Real Housewives level crazy. The biggest surprise was that Josh gave as good as he got, and then some.

 

Greg: Why do we always have to do what you want to do? We always drive in your car. We always are listening to your horrible music.

Josh: You're mean. You're mean and bitter.

Greg: And yet somehow, you're Mr. Popular. You charm everybody. Finally a new girl comes to town, and surprise, you already Channed all over her.

Josh: Well, she was my childhood sweetheart, and you Gregged her. (...) And why did you blame me? I'm not your mom who left you, and I'm not the reason you still live with your dad and work at a bar. [Wow, Josh. Seriously?]

Greg: I'm in night classes, you jerk!

 

And shortly after:

Valencia: You guys have been friends since kindergarten.

Josh: And he's been a sarcastic dick the whole time!

Greg: And he still hasn't grown up ever!

 

It was a pretty well-written fight, though, based on their characterizations to date. And really, neither of them is all that wrong about the other (apart from Josh getting mad at Greg hooking up with Rebecca before Greg knew about Rebecca and Josh dating in high school). Josh is immature, incredibly charming, and a bit of a dim bulb. Greg is a mean, bitter, sarcastic dick who is resentful of Josh's effortless charm and popularity and who takes out his unhappiness with his lot in life on everyone around him. Often in TV shows where characters fight, there's some big revelation where X says that Y has this or that tendency, and Y is shocked to realize the truth of this statement, even though this tendency has never been shown before in Y's characterization and the writers seem to have made this up on the fly. Everything that Josh and Greg said to each other about each other has been reflected in the writing to date (and has been remarked upon by fans). Good stuff.

Edited January 27, 2016 by Eyes High

[ElectricBoogaloo]

I just started watching Mad Dogs and in the very first episode, there is a similar fight among a group of male friends who are a little older but who have known each other forever like Josh and Greg. The people who know you for that long and know you that well are the ones that can hurt you the most because they know you in a way that other people don't, and they have witnessed your life for decades. That's what makes people good friends but it's also what arms them with the ammunition to cut you to the bone when they stop being nice and people stop holding back the frustration they have felt for years. I found both fights very realistic for that reason.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rebecca: [Josh and I] aren't close to gettting married. It's not like I've been googling pictures of mixed race babies.

[Paula raises an eyebrow]

Rebecca: They're so cute. They're so much cuter than the plain ones.

 

Paula: Okay, so what's the plan? I have one. You break into his apartment one night when you know Valencia is off at one of her yoga retreats. He comes home. You're in bed - naked. I did that at least ten times in the 90s and it worked every time.

 

Josh: [Valencia] has this theory that time is money.

 

Valencia: You're just so cute for buying candy for the kids, even though you know giving kids sweets is like giving them cigarettes.

 

Josh: Sometimes it's like you don't understand me or even believe in me. It sucks.

Valencia: What? Of course I do. I believe that one day you will focus on our future instead of fun stuff.

 

Camp lady: Listen, Rebecca, when we say, "Get involved," what we mean is, "Give us money." Our lawyers wouldn't let us put, "Just give us some damn money," on the posters.

 

Heather: I have butterflies. Can't you tell?

 

Greg: So obviously I told [Heather] we needed some space because not seeing other people is like an inch away from hiring a wedding band. It's better this way. We have too many differences. She likes Chuck Pahlniak and I think it's pretty obvious after Fight Club that he's a one trick pony.

 

Rebecca: This is a letter I wrote to Josh our last day at camp. I was going to give it to him and then he broke up with me so I was going to mail it to him and then I decided not to so I decided to burn it but I didn't do that either. That's why it's a little scorched.

 

Paula: You're a grown ass woman. You just need to use what God gave you.

Rebecca: My charm and my wit?

Paula: Those are weird names for your boobs.

Rebecca: Actually my boobs' names are Bonnie and Clyde. My ovaries are Hustle and Flow.

 

Greg: [Ashley]'s an actress in LA now. Did you know that? She played a sexy barista on Last Man Standing and then a sad barista in the Entourage movie. And then in Battlestar, she was a space barista.

 

Rebecca: Do you remember how you were telling me about instagram LPPs, likes per post? Well, I'm reading an article right now that says to maximize your LPPs, you want to take sunset photos. They're actually the most liked photos behind fitness girls with big butts and slow motion dogs. They used an algorithm.

Josh: Oh no!

Rebecca: Yeah, no, it's a math thing.

 

Ashley: Omigawd, I know you guys from high school! You're Hector! You offered me pot to go to a party and I punchd you!

Hector: And I didn't press charges.

Ashley: You're White Josh! You're whit and you look like Josh Chan who I to this day have a crush on! And you are...different high school? Home schooled? Yeah, you have a home schooled look.

 

Girl #1: Most of the guys I go out with, they just send over a dirty pic with a text that says WYD?

Rebecca: Why's Yanni dancing? Why is that pertinent?

Girl #2: No, "what you doing?" It's like if you can't even type out a word, I'm not going to take my clothes off. At least send an emoji. Like the chipmunk eating the block of cheese - I get that, I'm coming over, no questions asked.

 

 

Girl #2: That is the one thing a girl needs to teach herself over and over and over again - never put a man first. Put yourself first.

Rebecca: You're totally right. Like I should read Gloria Steinam and take a ceramics class and grow my pit hair out, you know. It's stuff like that.

All three girls: No.

[Rinaldo]

I don't think I've ever seen a series that uses the word "boobs" this much. The Rachel Bloom influence, no doubt.

[allonsyalice]

Girl Group: "Put yourself first girl, worry ’bout yourself. Wear fake eyelids just for yourself. So when dudes see you put yourself first, they’ll say, ‘damn you’re hot, let’s buy a house in Portland!'"

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Scott: What should we do, Mr. Brah?

Father Brah: Please. Mr. Brah was my father. I'm Father Brah.

 

Father Brah: Be the boat, not the hole. Nobody likes a hole.

 

Greg: Yooooo.

Rebecca: Yo. Cool. I haven't seen you in a while.

Greg: Yeah, I've been avoiding you.

Rebecca: Okay, by dating my next door neighbor and then showing up at my door?

 

Rebecca: Here's the hard drive. Tell Heather not to open the folder that says "taxes." If she's looking for porn, there's a folder that says, "porn." They're the good kind with plots.

 

Paula: I hate southern California! No rocks, no dirt, no sticks!

 

Josh: You can always replace a door, but there's only one Bex.

Rebecca: Awww. Well, there's only one Josh Chan.

Josh: Actually there's a lot of Josh Chans. There's one in Azusa. I used to play him in soccer.

 

Scott: Father Brah was right. We've both been major holes.

 

Josh: I've got gloves for every situation: cleaning, baseball, golfing, driving, go karts, boxing.

 

Greg: Actually, I am pretty hungry. Coagulating cheese would really hit the spot.

 

Greg: There are two wine glasses, one with ice cubes - classic Chan move.

Edited February 9, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo

[Eyes High]

Paula's dislike of Greg (at least with respect to his suitability for Rebecca) seems to be a bit of a theme:

 

1x06

Paula: No! Not Greg, Josh! JOSH! *sighs* I worked so hard for nothing!

 

1x07

Paula: Look, I get it, Greg is your Jacob, but we all know you're going to end up with Edward. *Rebecca looks at Paula quizzically* Because you're Bella.

Rebecca: What is that reference? It's on the tip of my tongue...

Paula (horrified): Twilight.

Rebecca: Twilight, yes.

Paula: Only the greatest love story since Shakespeare...In Love!

Rebecca: What are we even talking about again?

Paula: You were spending Thanksgiving with GREG. And that was not part of our plan! You need to be with Josh...if not for you, then for me. (...)

Paula: Is that Greg again? He has texted you six times already today.

Rebecca: Yeah, because he's my friend! We're friends! We're going to go to a movie as friends!

Paula: It's like he's a stalker, okay? No one likes a stalker. *peers through binoculars at Josh and Valencia*

 

1x11

Scott: So she's not into Greg?

Paula: No, not at all, but he is really into her, so they keep getting drawn together.

Scott: But from what you've said, they might make a good couple. Maybe she should give him a chance.

Paula: No! Honey, keep your eyes on the prize, okay? Rebecca and Josh have an epic and pure love that spans decades and mountains.

 

To be fair to Paula, Rebecca isn't into Greg, and she is into Josh, and it's not clear that Rebecca would have any more interest in Greg even if Paula weren't trying to discourage her. Still.

 

Rebecca: Yo. Cool. I haven't seen you in a while.

Greg: Yeah, I've been avoiding you.

Rebecca: Okay, by dating my next door neighbor and then showing up at my door?

 

Greg's "I've been avoiding you" response to Rebecca commenting that she hadn't seen him around was oddly hilarious to me. Rebecca's comeback to that comment was on point, though.

Edited February 10, 2016 by Eyes High

[allonsyalice]

Josh: "I can take care of myself. I've got a lot of blackbelts."

Greg: "She's....not trying to fight you."

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rebecca: I have a couple of questions about the menu. The El Potato Soup-o. Is that like a mashed potato dish?

Waitress: It's soup. Cheesy soup. It has a lot of like cheese in it.

Rebecca: What about the Quesadilla Saladita? What happens there?

Waitress: Um, it's like a salad with like stuff on it.

 

Josh: I don't like to complain about stuff. And Valencia's better at complaining.

 

Josh: [Valencia] has bad credit. She took out a loan to sell diet supplements and it turned out they were rat droppings.

 

Beans: I don't go by Bernard. I prefer Beans. It sounds racist but I didn't get the name because I'm Mexican. It's because I organize meet and trades for Beanie Babies.

 

Josh, White Josh, Hector, Beans, & Kev: Salsa, burrito, taquitos, guacamole, pizza!

 

Rebecca: Also I lied to Josh once.

Paula: ONCE?

Rebecca: Okay, I got caught once.

 

Darryl: You're gay? No one's ever mentioned that.

White Josh: Well everybody knows. It's not a big deal.

Darryl: Maybe your nickname should be Gay Josh instead of White Josh because then people would know what's up.

White Josh: Why? We don't call Greg Straight Greg. We don't call you Old Gay Darryl.

Darryl: Whoa! What? I am not old gay. I'm not or gay. I'm divorced.

White Josh: I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by that. You just gave me the vibe.

Darryl: What vibe?

White Josh: The gay vibe.

Darryl: I don't understand the vibe. I like women. I like sleeping with women. I like the way they smell and I like the feel of their skin. I like their birdlike voices. I mean, does that sound gay?

White Josh: Nope. Sounds like a serial killer, but a straight one for sure.

 

Valencia: I don't trust you as far as I can throw you which is not far because you eat bagels after 8pm.

 

Rebecca: Don't underestimate the joy of a midnight bagel!

 

Josh: I'm not dumb.

Greg: That's not what I'm saying this time.

 

Chris: That's what Satan said to Faust.

[Greg raises an eyebrow]

Chris: Oh you guys didn't know? My school went charter.

 

Josh: I know [Rebecca] has issues and maybe she's a little into me, but most girls in town are.

Chris: Word.

 

Josh: [Rebecca] even has a boyfriend that went to Harvard and has a name that sounds like a newscaster.

Chris: Connie Chung?

 

Greg: Trent? It's a perfect name for a fake boyfriend.

 

Greg: Don't let her manipulate you.

Valencia: Yeah, you're too smart for this.

White Josh: Is he?

 

White Josh: No better way to prove to yourself that you're straight than a barefoot cardio mambo class.

 

Bart: This manhole here is a secret central entrance which leads down into the entire system. Watch your toes!

Darryl: So this is the vagina of the system?

Bart: It's a manhole.

Darryl: So this manhole is a vagina.

 

Darryl: I, Darryl Whitefather, I like both sexes. I am a bothsexual.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rebecca: [Trent] loves kissing. With tongue.

 

Rebecca: Sorry about the loudness of the pants. I don't know why people fish in these. You'd think the sound would scare away the fish.

 

Darryl: So anyway, I'll see you later. Unless you want to kiss again for any reason.

White Josh: Okay!

 

Darryl: I was thinking maybe later we would go out for a little bev-er-age.

White Josh: What is that accent?

Darryl: I don't know.

 

White Josh: I am cool with whatever you need to do in your own life. It's all good. But I'm not going back in the closet, not for anybody. I didn't come out until I was 12. Those were some tough years.

 

Trent: I have loved you since the moment that I saw you freshman year in the cafeteria. You were eating a mac and cheese sandwich.

 

Trent: You know what they say - one person's blackmail is another person's love story.

Rebecca: Who says that?

Trent: Me!

 

Paula: [Trent] spent the night at your apartment?

Rebecca: Yes, and before you say anything, dude makes a great dinner. And then he drew me a bath and massaged my feet.

[Paula makes a face]

Rebecca: It wasn't weird. I wore my bathing suit.

Paula: Okay, maybe you should call the police.

Rebecca: And tell them what? I made up a fake boyfriend and now that fake boyfriend wants to be my real boyfriend? No, I'm not going to do that. Look, this guy's fine. I knew a million guys like him in college. Trust me. He's into all this now and then he'll see me eat a piece of ham off the ground and he'll move on.

 

Rebecca: They're like Taylor Swift, Elon Musk, and Shonda Rhimes combined.

 

Audra: Frankly, you have no case and no shot and no idea how to blend your foundation at your jawline.

 

Kevin: Wow, you are really beautiful and you seem super cool!

Heather: Uh, thanks?

Greg: Kevin can be aggressively nice. You're not going to like it.

Kevin: So tell me why you want to work here.

Heather: Well, Greg and I thought it'd be fun to hang out and spend time together and maybe hook up in the stock room in our spare time.

Greg: Ha, we didn't say that!

Heather: Yeah, we did.

Kevin: I like her honesty. This is terrific. And you can bang it out in the stock room whenever you want!

 

Trent: Look, I know that I'm blackmailing you a little, and I've been told that that's not an appropriate way to meet people.

 

Rebecca: [Audra] hates me. She really hates me. I mean, it's because I'm smarter than her. She's so insecure. She went to Cornell, which, as you know, is like the community college of Ivy League schools.

Trent: Like, why even go to college?

Rebecca: Like, join the navy!

 

Rebecca: Okay, you can sleep at the foot of my bed tonight.

Trent: Really?

Rebecca: Yeah.

Trent: Like a dog?

Rebecca: Yes, Trent, like a dog. Please don't look that excited.

Trent: It's just how I look.

 

Paula: You let [Trent] sleep on your floor?

Rebecca: It's fine. He didn't touch me. And also, it wasn't weird. I wore my bathing suit.

 

Josh: I got Skittles! So I wouldn't get chocolate on my new suit.

 

Rebecca: It's just White Josh and his eight pack.

 

White Josh: Don't worry. I'm not going to grab your junk in public. J/K, dude.

Darryl: J.K. Rowling?

 

Rebecca: All the El Montes are here!

 

Les Mis singers: No more water for B.J. Novak's ecstasy factory!

 

Alhambra guy: We saw [the water problem] and thought hey, we're from Alhambra. Maybe we don't deserve a fancy Los Angeles hot shower.

 

Burt: Thank you for buying me this suit. It feels so good against my bare skin. I don't believe in underwear.

 

Kevin: I do not like the look of [Audra]. She looks like she orders everything on the side.

 

Paula: A tucked in turtleneck. That's not a look you see every day.

 

Paula: He looks like a Kennedy, but a sober one.

Rebecca: Yeah, I figured it out. It's like if two Kennedy cousins mated.

 

Heather: Omigawd, I know what's happening. Look, I've seen a lot of Hallmark movies and the look on people's faces before they run and confess their feelings - that's your face.

 

Darryl: I am bisexual. I'm going for drinks with this gay man who I have a crush on!

Alhambra: He's way out of your league. Nice job.

White Josh: Hey, back off, dude. He looks like Tom Selleck.

 

Josh: You were like Rocky. Or Creed, at least.

Edited March 1, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo

[Chicago Redshirt]

Rebecca: I put the "O.G." in 5.0 G.P.A.!

[ToxicUnicorn]

Trent: Look, I know that I'm blackmailing you a little, and I've been told that that's not an appropriate way to meet people.

 

This was pretty funny.

 

I didn't get the BJ Novak reference.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rebecca: [Kissing Josh] transported me a different world, like where they shoot the fun parts of Game of Thrones.

 

Father Brah: I was consumed with guilt for years because that was the first step in my baby brother becoming like a hard core heroin addict.

 

Father Brah: Go to the one you have wronged, my son, my brah. Perhaps they wil forgive.

Josh: Dude, we're talking about Valencia.

Father Brah: Yeah, you're screwed.

 

Paula: This is my favorite part of a romantic comedy. It's like you're Kate Hudson and Josh is this British actor that no one's ever heard of but he's super cute and Valencia is the skinny bitch who ends up getting just what she deserves.

Rebecca: I kind of saw it as a fairy tale where I'm the spunky princess, Josh is the handsome prince who gets turned into a stone, and Valencia is the witch who turned him into that stone.

 

Rebecca: Paula, it's weird. I haven't heard anything from Josh. Can I call him just once or send him a flirty text?

Paula: No, no, oh gawd, no. Have you never seen a two and a half star movie?

 

Rebecca: Holy Ruth Bader Ginsburg!

 

Rebecca: I'm going to get donuts at the Chinese place!

 

Rebecca: I told myself that I was Jasmine but I realize now I'm Jafar.

 

Darryl: I went out with a girl named Charlie and a guy named Dana just to make things as confusing as possible.

 

Rebecca: For starters, I was conceived on a cruise ship.

[ToxicUnicorn]

Father Brah: Go to the one you have wronged, my son, my brah. Perhaps they wil forgive.

Josh: Dude, we're talking about Valencia.

Father Brah: Yeah, you're screwed.

 

This was a funny set up, and completely got me: I was surprised by Valencia's actual reaction at the end.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rebecca: I realized my life in southern California is nothing but a pile of garbage and turds.

 

Rebecca: A dream ghost? That sounds fun! Ooh, can we do fun things? There's a ton of stuff I want to do. One - I want to haunt Hitler and get him to rethink a few things. Two - I want to see what Oprah does in her bathtub. And three - I want to go to the nearest planet with intelligent life and see a play.

 

Young Rebecca: Please don't tell Naomi. She doesn't know I'm here. I told her I was at a spring break choir camp in Poughkeepsie. I forged the forms and created a fake PO box, then I used my bat mitzvah money to buy a plane ticket, but I had to use Aunt Nancy's name for the ticket because they don't sell to minors which is just discrimination!

 

Josh: I'm starting to get kind of worried.

Darryl: Omigawd, the cheerful man is worried? Is Rebecca missing?

 

Dr. Akopian: After your father's abandonment -

Rebecca: Wow, you're downer.

Dr. Akopian: What were your relationships like after that? With other men?

Rebecca: Omigawd, they were fantastic. They were beautiful, filled with respect and mutual orgasms. What do you think? They were disasters!

 

Warren: You are the cream of the crop. Fifteen people auditioned and I could only take eleven.

 

Darryl: That's it. I'm calling the police.

Greg: And tell them what? That a person known for being unpredictable and impulsive has been missing for a day?

 

Josh: Is Greg super hot?

Darryl: Well, yeah, if you like angry.

 

[Paula opens Rebecca's laptop and types in her password]

Darryl: Whoa, that's not cool.

Paula: What, your friends don't know all your passwords?

[Darryl shakes his head]

Paula; Mmm, not sure I would call them friends then, Darryl.

 

Darryl: Has [Rebecca] been catfished by a drug smuggler?

Paula: What?

Darryl: I watched this tv show. It's called Catfished by a Drug Smuggler. It's on the new catfishing channel.

 

Josh: Wait, wait, wait. I'm so confused. [Rebecca] said she hated living in New York. We talk about it all the time. She wasn't happy there.

Darryl: Yeah, but sometimes there are things that are more important than being happy. I was unhappily married but I had a child and I stuck it out for years.

Paula: She can't do this. She can't just opt out because it got hard. I mean, you don't think I want to opt out every day? You think I don't want to unsubscribe from like half the things in my life?

Greg: Paula, if that's true then you should change your life. People actually do that. Not me, but.

 

Rebecca: So let's recap. My mother loves me. I love music.

 

Rebecca: I should text Paula. Can I text someone from a dream?

 

Dr. Akopian: The middle aged ladies really dig Greg!

 

Dr. Akopian: Do you know how hard it is to pass the Bechdel test when you're a dream ghost?

 

Greg: If she sells her furniture, I call dibs on the big fish.

Edited March 22, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Greg: Can I get another beer? I'm trying to study.

 

Greg: I got into Emory business school. It's a pretty good school. They call it like the Harvard of the South.

Bartender: I thought the Harvard of the South was Vanderbilt.

 

Rebecca: I thought you drank at Home Base.

Greg: I drink anywhere but I do my study drinking here.

 

Female student: Hey, I'm so nervous. Aren't you? That last test-

Greg: Was pretty easy, at least for me.

FS: Wow, that's impressive. You must be really smart.

Greg: Yeah. Well, I don't like to tell people this, but um-

FS: Oh, you don't have to tell me something you don't like to-

Greg: I got into the Harvard of the South. Emory - you know it?

FS: Emery? The Harvard of the South is Duke.

Greg: No. No, no. Google it.

 

Josh's mom: She did get into Cal State Northridge which is the Harvard of Northridge!

 

Jayma: You are the perfect height to pair with Philip's friend Daniel who stopped growing after being a kid gymnast.

 

Marty: I can't compete with [brody]. He has the flat top of a Greek god.

 

Rebecca: For my midnight bagel, I eat it with butter, cream cheese, and bacon.

 

Valencia: You're not that disgustingly fat.

Rebecca: Awww, thank you!

 

Rebecca: I'm going to be just like any other teenage ex-boyfriend's sister's last minute bridesmaid.

 

Paula: Where can a person buy poison oak and what is the rashiest kind?

Siri: Richard Kind is a 59 year old actor best known for his role in Spin City.

 

Marty: Are you sure this is a good idea?

Greg: Dude, she doesn't like you. She's shown no interest. She's way into someone else. Why give up now? This is the right move!

 

Jayma: We all thought you were heinous but you're kind of okay.

 

Rebecca: I'll take some alcohol.

Greg: Do you know any alcohol names?

Rebecca: I'll take a Peach Schnapps on the rocks.

Greg: No, never mind. Never order drinks again.

Edited March 29, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo

[Trini]

Greg: "Listen, if this is going to happen, you need to know something.... This isn't going to be like a roll in the hay and you go home. This is going to be like three days of you and me just ruining each other. And not emotionally."

 

Not my type at all, but this was the sexiest Greg/Santino has been so far.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rebecca: Boo, life and work and clothing!

 

Rebecca: How was your weekend?

Paula: Stupid.

 

Rebecca: You're such a little liar!

Paula: What?

Rebecca: Yes, according to the act of omission, it is a lie.

 

Rebecca: Good call on the bathroom, by the way. Really good choice.

Greg: Thanks. I used a new app. It shows you where all the nearest public bathrooms are. It's for people with IBS but it works great for us.

 

Paula: [Greg]'s like this sexy Italian fly and you're like this old meatball in an alley.

 

Greg: If you're going for obscure metaphors, I'm right there with you. I will crumble your zebra. I will sauté your giraffe. I will flambé your cockatoo.

 

Rebecca: I'll be fine. It just burns when I pee.

 

Rebecca: If one good thing can come from my searing pain, it's that it feeds your ego.

 

Hector: Happy Greg is weird. Do you have one of those brain tumors that changes your personality? Can you play the violin now?

 

Josh: Serrano's in a good mood.

Heather: Yeah, it's gross. I never would have slept with that guy.

 

Heather: It's cute that you're helping Valencia out. It's like you're an assistant bridesmaid.

 

Heather: The next step is copulation.

Josh: ....

Heather: Oh, copulation means sex.

 

Rebecca: By the way, how long have you been in community college?

Heather: Eight years.

 

Rebecca: You love hand held salad.

 

Greg: What do you say we break the sexual tension with some actual sex?

 

Paula: What are you doing?

Rebecca: Just in case there are lasers.

 

Rebecca: What if it's booby trapped?

Paula: It's a refrigerator!

 

Paula: Did you just pee yourself? I have two kids. I know that face.

 

Rebecca: I myself have eight dates lined up next week.

Greg: Eight?

Rebecca: Yeah, I got a matinee one day. I'm like on a Broadway schedule.

 

[Greg leaves]

Brandy: Well, I guess we'll just have to have a threesome.

Hector: Really?

Brandy: No, she's my cousin. Gross.

Edited April 12, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo

[Chicago Redshirt]

Father Brah: 'Cause you're acting like a little bitch.

 

Heather: I have the smartest face in here. 

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Paula: After everything I've done for your love story to get you together with Josh Chan and you betray me by picking sarcastic alcoholic unromantic Greg?

 

Greg's balloon: SHE IS WITH JESUS NOW

 

Greg: This balloon is not stupid. It's genuis. The messiah is riding a unicorn over a rainbow. It's like the turducken of sympathy balloons.

 

Paula: Under Lourdes Chan's car is a tracking device that is keyed into a beeper in my desk at the office. I had to smuggle that device in from Armenia. I know where that woman is every hour of every day.

 

Greg: The other balloon options were "It's a boy!" or "Suck it, cancer!"

 

Josh: I thought you weren't supposed to wear white to a wedding.

Valencia: Technically it's ivory and Jayma's dress is Alaskan snow.

Josh: Don't you already have a bridesmaid's dress?

Valencia: I need a second look for the reception! Don't be insane, brain! Also I look amazing in this dress.

 

Heather: You need to realize that "You up?" is text for "Are you horny?"

 

Heather: Oh, gawd. You're one of those girls. Okay, dude? So the moment you're craving isn't anchored in real emotion. It's a script dictated to you by our society's patriarchal love narrative.

Rebecca: Wow, that's fascinating. Did you learn that in school?

Heather: No, actually that's from this month's Glamour.

 

Rebecca: Pep talks into a mirror do nothing but enhance the loneliness.

 

Bird: I just remembered I could fly. Peace, bitch.

 

Rebecca: Oh, you're wearing sneakers?
Greg: Yeah, well, I didn't know you were going to get all fancy. I didn't know it was going to be a whole thing.

Rebecca: Um, yeah, no, it's a wedding.

 

Greg: If you think about it, it's kind of the epitome of southern California pastiche. A chain hotel with vaguely French decor and Italian food is being served tapas style while a Filipino girl is marrying a Jewish guy, all with a lightly Arabian Nights style wedding. What was this Pinterest board called? Ironic juxtaposition?

 

White Josh: We're fancy! Deal with it!

 

Greg: Hoverboard dancing is not dancing! Their feet are frozen. You take the board away, mainly what they're doing is leaning. It's synchronized leaning basically.

White Josh: Yeah, well, you couldn't do it.

Greg: Yeah, well I couldn't shake your hand with my foot but you don't want that.

White Josh: You're not really making a lot of sense.
Greg: Amn't I?

White Josh: No, you am not.

 

Greg: I should not have worn sneakers tonight. Justin Timberlake wore sneakers with a suit and I thought it was cool, but I'm no J-Timbo.

 

DJ: Ladies and gentleman, Aunt Myrna.

 

Myrna: I would like to dedicate this song to Jayma and Phillip. You may already know this one. I sang it on Star Search in 1984 and I got three and three quarter stars.

 

Myrna: In one indescribable instant the whole world falls away. In one indescribable instant you'll know just what to say. In one indescribable instant your heart will speak the truth cause in that one indescribable magical mystical endless incredible instant, the only words you'll need are "I love you." In one indescribable instant there is no time or space. In one indescribable instant it all falls into place. In one indescribable instant, your dreams will all come true cause in that one indescribable magical mystical endless incredible barely believable truly unlikely but not inconceivable "What are you kidding me? No, it's for real"-able instant, the only words you'll need are "I love you."

[ToxicUnicorn]

Thanks, ElectricBoogaloo.   Also, a "whole-nut"!  ("Hole-nut")?  I wish Rachel had spelled it out for me.  That would have been in character.

Edited April 20, 2016 by ToxicUnicorn

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Josh: I have to live somewhere. I can't afford a brand new apartment. I have to save up. I can't go back and live with my mom like I'm a little kid.
Hector: Hmmm.
Josh: Sorry. You live with your mom.
Hector: No, I don't live with my mom. I live with my best friend.

Josh: You grow up! Your mom makes lunches for you like every day.
Hector: That's only because they don't sell crustless bread at the supermarket, bitch!

Greg: Tell Rebecca's friend Emory she's never getting her sweatshirt back!

Heather: Patrons can't be back here. It's like a health code violation.
Rebecca: You're painting your toenails on top of potatoes.
Heather: Yeah, they're gonna be peeled.

Marco: You mess up people's lives and then pass it off as quirky.

Rebecca: I am looking for Greg. We had a thing and I haven't heard back from him.
Marco: What does that tell you?

Rebecca: But [White Josh] doesn't have a drawer [at Daryl's place], right?
Daryl: A drawer? No. Because he's got a dresser.
White Josh: Just for the essentials - protein powder, glutamine, socks.

Greg: My plan was to knock out these meetings, get my court card signed, and go back to being as angry as I could with just about anyone I could think of - my mom, my dad, my job, West Covina, men who wear skinny jeans-
Frank: YEAH!

Paula: This is just a simple contract laying out the terms of our friendship. It stipulates that my services as a friend are limited to consultation and support and exclude shenanigans so you just need to sign here, here, and here.

Edited October 22, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo

[Rinaldo]

54 minutes ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Hector: That's only because they don't sell crustless bread at the supermarket, bitch!

This gets funnier each time I think about it. Like, the only way to have bread without crusts for your sandwiches is (A) buy it that way, or (B) have your mother make the sandwiches. There is no third way. And Hector meant it so earnestly.

Quote

Rebecca: You mess up people's lives and then pass it off as quirky.

Just a quick note because your list is so good: this was said by Marco. (A slip of the fingers, I have no doubt.)

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Ha, thanks for the correction! It was directed at Rebecca, not said by her.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Darryl: I'm [Paula's] best friend. Everyone knows that, right?
Tim: Everyone knows you say it.
Darryl: Same thing, right?

Rebecca: I look dumb. I need to look hot.  Can you do that?
Xiao: Sexy ping pong. Copy that.

Father Brah: Dear God, thank you for this boba. Bless the hands that have rolled these tapioca balls. Is that how boba is made? I'm not sure.
Josh: I thought you only say grace before a meal.
Father Brah: Boba is a drink that you eat.

Heather: I will take your french fry apology and apply it to other stuff.

Josh: I have an airbnb in Claremont. It belongs to a celebrity. He uses it as his weekend house.
Heather: What celebrity weekends in Claremont?
Josh: I'm not supposed to tell anyone. It's Josh Hutcherson but you didn't hear that from me. He goes there when he wants to feel down to earth, yeah.

Heather: Did you just bro hug the guy who's sleeping with your ex-girlfriend?

Greg: What Rebecca and I had together was an undefined thing followed by a nightmare wedding date and then I didn't call her for a month.

Paula: What are you doing?
Rebecca: I'm just stretching for my private ping pong lesson in the conference room with an 11 year old child.
Paula: Of course because that makes perfect sense.

Rebecca: A Lannister always pays her debts! I just started on season one so no spoilers.
Darryl: Ned Stark dies, by the way.
Rebecca: But he's the show!
Darryl: Don't get too used to Rob either.
Rebecca: No!

Hector: [Greg]'s probably on his way. I'll get him a beer.
White Josh: Dude.
Hector: What? I don't know the rules.
White Josh: There's ONE rule.

[Trini]

White Josh: "Chiphunk?"
Hector: "She thinks you look like a giant buff chipmunk."
White Josh: "I'll take it."

Hector: "...Maybe Greg is fine. He'll just have a few and sleep it off."
White Josh: "ONE rule!"

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Scott: We've been looking at this [pregnancy test] for fifteen minutes. It's not going to pee on itself.

Rebecca: If you want to start over, I'll be here in this exact spot tomorrow night at sunset. And if you're here, we can walk over to that adorable mom and pop Italian place.
Greg: The Olive Garden?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Scott: Babe, do we have stamps?
Paula: I don't know. Did you buy any?
[maybe not hilarious on its own as a quote but a perfect summation of being The Responsible One in the Family]

Brendon: Mom, don't wake me up in the morning. I can sleep in. I got suspended. Not my fault. I was playing with my lighter and some kid got his book in my fire.

Josh: I pitched x-ray visions but we're not named Ray.

Heather: The only thing grosser than a douche is an internet contest.

Heather: [The other contestants] all look like gorgeous mermaids who grew feet and went to Coachella.

Rebecca: Thank you, Mr. Heather.