I Once Took A Donkey And Some Honeycomb Into... : Jokes!

[ennui]

[ennui]

My life is an open book. However, it is very poorly written, has no discernible plot, and I die at the end.

Edited June 22, 2017 by ennui
spelling

[walnutqueen]

Keep 'em coming, @ennui.  You never fail to bring a smile to this old face (and even manage to sometimes hurt my TMJ's with a grin!).

[ennui]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. He says to her, "You can't fry two eggs in the same pan, there's not enough room!" "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[Maizie131]

A Retiree's Last Trip To Costco

Yesterday I was at Costco, buying a large bag of
Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen,
the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a
woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an
elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on
impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog,
I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I
probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but
that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet
and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with
Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and
I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically
everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive
care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped
to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

Well, I thought the guy behind her was going to have
a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch
what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to
think of crazy things to say.

[ennui]

Sign inside a veterinarian’s waiting room:

“All unattended children will be given a kitten.”

[DeLurker]

IRL my vet's office has that sign up but it says puppy instead of kitten.

[ennui]

3 hours ago, DeLurker said:

IRL my vet's office has that sign up but it says puppy instead of kitten.

That might be an enticement. I'd love a free puppy.

[riley702]

I've seen it as "Wandering children will be given espresso and a free kitten.", but there are variations like being given espresso and taught to swear, etc.

[ennui]

I don't know if anyone remembers when Jay Leno on The Tonight Show would do a segment on headlines, but I submit the following from my newspaper's police blotter:

"June 13, 10:25 p.m.: According to police, someone entered a hotel room through the frontward-facing window and stole a laptop computer, jewelry, sunglasses and tools. The burglar also stole keys to a vehicle and road away in it."

[ennui]

In my lifetime, I have been in top physical condition, and I have been fat and sloppy.

And I gotta say, fat and sloppy is a whole lot easier to maintain.

[Spunkygal]

I swear that this is 100% true. Many years ago I was driving my mom somewhere and we noticed that a two story building that had been vacant for some time had been renovated and was now the "ABC Medical Clinic." The building fronts a busy street with no good egress or ingress from that street so as we passed, my mom burst out laughing and said, "I will never go to anyone in that building." When I asked why, she pointed to a smaller sign that read "Patients Entrance in Rear." 

I still laugh when I drive by that building, which is now something else. 

[ennui]

[Petunia13]

[ennui]

A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
“Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks.
“Hanging myself,” the blonde replies.
“The rope should be around your neck” says the guard.
“I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn’t breathe.”

[ennui]

[walnutqueen]

Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year, and every year Bill would say  "Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter"

Blanche always replied  "I know, Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said  "Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance".

To this, Blanche replied  "Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks".

The pilot overheard the couple and said  "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word its fifty dollars."

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went. 

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.  He did his daredevil tricks, but still not a word... 

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said  "By golly , I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Bill replied  "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Blanche fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

[walnutqueen]

A little girl asked her Mom "How did the human race appear?"  The Mom answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." 

Two days later the girl asked her Dad the same question. The Dad answered "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." 

The confused girl returned to her mother and said "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"  The mother answered "Well, Dear, it's very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

[walnutqueen]

You are riding on a beautiful white horse. 
On your left side is a drop off. 
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion. 
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way and you can't seem to overtake them. 
Behind you is a stampede of horses. 
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation? 

ANSWER:

Spoiler

* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *

[walnutqueen]

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Rog's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.  Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.  If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift".

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."  I was impressed. 

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.  Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."

I asked quietly,  "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

'Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon".

Edited July 10, 2017 by walnutqueen

[walnutqueen]

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.  They had shared everything.  They had talked about everything.  They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.  For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. 

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.  She agreed that it was time that he should know what was 
In the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.  He asked her about the contents. 

"When we were to be married," she said, '"my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.  She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears.  Only two precious dolls were in the box.  She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. 

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money?  Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

[walnutqueen]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Newfoundland.  With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting,  "I've heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes!  What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?  It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister!  I'm talking to that little fucker on your knee!"

Edited July 10, 2017 by walnutqueen

[Petunia13]

 

?Satan: "You've been cancelling plans for weeks now. If it's something I said I wish you'd just tell me."

[walnutqueen]

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said ..... "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.  Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman.  It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the deal."

My wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

[walnutqueen]

A woman was sipping on a glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her husband. 

She says, "I love you so much. I don't know how I could ever live without you."

Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me... Talking to the wine."

[walnutqueen]

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car showroom.  Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph; enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.  Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 140mph, then 150 then 160. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.

[ennui]

This woman’s husband had been ill in hospital for several months. He kept slipping in and out of a coma but she remained faithfully by his bedside every single day.

Then one day, when he woke from his coma, he motioned for her to come nearer to him.

As she moved closer and sat beside him, with eyes filling with tears he whispered into her ear, “You know what? You’ve been with me through all the tough times. When I got fired from my job, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there for me. When I got shot, you were by my side all the time. When we lost the house, you stayed right here with me. And even when my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”

“What dear,” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth, her eyes welling with tears.

He said, “I think you’re bad luck."

[ennui]

[ennui]

[ennui]

[ennui]

I just bought a cured ham; I wonder what it had.

[ennui]

[ennui]

[Mindthinkr]

[SirOsisOfLiver]

The Corporate Zodiac

Marketing: You are ambitious yet stupid.  You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now.

Sales: Laziest of all the signs, often referred to as "Marketing Without The Degree".  Contact with customers is hard on hands, due to non-stop back-slapping and gripping golf clubs.  You seek life-long admiration for your golf game.

Systems: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control anything that happens with the computers at your workplace.  Often, even you don't understand what you're saying, but who can tell?

Engineering: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that 90% of all personal sex ads are placed by engineers.  Without any people skills, you are happiest when left alone in your office.

Accounting: The only other sign that actually studied in school, you are mostly immune to office politics, but you are the most feared and hated person in the organization.  Combined with your compulsive neatness, rumours say that you are completely insane.

Human Resources: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you are the organization's biggest gossip.  Possibly the only person who does less actual work than marketing.

Middle Management: Catty, cut-throat but spineless, you wish to remain at your current job for the rest of your life.  You measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule.

Customer Service: Bright, cheery and positive, you are just a step away from taking your own life.  As a child, very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle and headset so you could pretend to play Customer Service.

Consultant: A fixed smile covers your desperation.  You'll say whatever the client wants to hear, in hopes they'll hire you and give you a REAL job.

[SirOsisOfLiver]

The Hair Cut

Women's Version:
Woman 1:  Oh! You got a haircut!  That's so cute!
Woman 2:  Do you think so?  I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror.  I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman 1:  Oh, God no!  No, it's perfect.  I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide.  I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 2:  Are you serious?  I think your face is adorable.  And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute, I think.  I was actually going to do that except I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 1:  Oh, that's so funny!  I would love to have your neck.  Anything to take away from this two-by-four that I have for a shoulder-line.
Woman 2:  Are you kidding?  I know girls that would love to have your shoulders.  Everything drapes so well on you.  I mean, look at my arms.  See how short they are?  If I had your shoulders, I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's Version:
Man 1:  Haircut?
Man 2:  Yep.

[walnutqueen]

1 hour ago, SirOsisOfLiver said:

The Hair Cut

Women's Version:
Woman 1:  Oh! You got a haircut!  That's so cute!
Woman 2:  Do you think so?  I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror.  I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman 1:  Oh, God no!  No, it's perfect.  I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide.  I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 2:  Are you serious?  I think your face is adorable.  And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute, I think.  I was actually going to do that except I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 1:  Oh, that's so funny!  I would love to have your neck.  Anything to take away from this two-by-four that I have for a shoulder-line.
Woman 2:  Are you kidding?  I know girls that would love to have your shoulders.  Everything drapes so well on you.  I mean, look at my arms.  See how short they are?  If I had your shoulders, I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's Version:
Man 1:  Haircut?
Man 2:  Yep.

Hee!  2.0 follows:

 

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong;

He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.

He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.

But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

 

Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.

[walnutqueen]

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.  As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.

Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?'  I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mommy, where's my washcloth?'

I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.'

Never going back to that doctor.  Ever.

[SirOsisOfLiver]

Mom and dad were watching TV when mom said, "It's getting late and I'm tired. I'm going to bed." She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for lunches, took meat out of the freezer for supper the next day, filled the sugar bowl and readied the coffee maker for the next morning. She put the wash into the dryer, a new load into the washer, ironed a shirt and sewed on a button. She picked newspapers and jigsaw puzzle pieces off the floor and put the phone book back in a drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel. She yawned, stretched and started for the stairs, stopping by her desk on the way. At her desk, she wrote a note to the teacher and counted out some cash for a field trip. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and made out a quick grocery list.
Hubby called out from the living room. "I thought you were going to bed?"
"I'm getting there," she replied.
She put some water in the dog's dish, let the cat in and then made sure the doors were locked and the alarm was set. She looked in on each kid, turned out a light, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the laundry hamper and said goodnight to the one still doing homework. Mom creamed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails. She set the alarm clock, laid out an outfit for the next day, straightened up her shoe rack and added three things to her "to do" list for tomorrow.
About that time, her husband turned off the TV and announced to nobody in particular, "I'm going to bed."
And he did.

[ennui]

I haven't eaten an apple in days.  The doctors are closing in.  My barricade won't last much longer.  They're coming.  Tell my family I love th-

[ennui]

One evening, after the honeymoon, a man was cleaning his golf clubs & tennis stuff in the garage. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe you should quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your tennis stuff along with your gun collection, fishing gear, golf clubs, and that stupid vintage Corvette!"
He got a horrified look on his face.
She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He replied, "There for a minute, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife?!" she screamed, "You never told me you were married before!" 
He replied: “I wasn't."

[ennui]

[Petunia13]

Life hack 

[SirOsisOfLiver]

Three Kinds Of Sex

House Sex: When you're newly married, and have sex in every room of the house.

Bedroom Sex: After you've been married for a while, and you only have sex in the bedroom.

Hall Sex: After you've been married for many, many years, you just pass each other in the hall and say, "Go fuck yourself."

[SirOsisOfLiver]

All Stressed Out?

Sometimes it helps to think of a happy scene.
Maybe a pastoral field...
A field with a babbling brook.
You're there on a lovely summer's day,
Holding someone's head under the water.
Now, you're letting them back up for a second.
Then, BLAM!!  Back into the freezing water!
Over and over again!
There... feel better now?

[Bastet]

On 7/31/2017 at 3:17 PM, SirOsisOfLiver said:

Three Kinds Of Sex

That one will probably live on forever; it seems to make the rounds regularly, and my mom distinctly remembers when her best friend called her (many, many moons ago, back when long-distance charges were something to behold) for the sole purpose of relaying that joke.

(In the version she, and thus I, first learned, hall sex was passing each other in the hallway and saying, "Fuck you," but I've come to like the "Go fuck yourself" version better.)

[ennui]

It's a sad day today. After 7 years of medical training, hard work and dedication, a good friend of mine has been fired today for one minor indiscretion. He had sex with one of his patients and now can no longer work in his profession. 
What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuine nice guy and an outstanding mortician.

[riley702]

I had to double-check which topic I was in. LOL.

[Qoass]

Me too!

[SirOsisOfLiver]