I Once Took A Donkey And Some Honeycomb Into... : Jokes!

[Petunia13]

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

 

 

 

roberto 

[ennui]

[Petunia13]

[ennui]

[ennui]

Letter to Men's Helpline

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot.

I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

[JTMacc99]

Hahahaha!

[Petunia13]

[Petunia13]

[ennui]

[ennui]

[Petunia13]

[ennui]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

[walnutqueen]

Every one of my jokes is dirty, my limericks especially.  So I'm left with this lame submission:

Q: How many psychologists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Only one, but the lightbulb really has to WANT to change.

[ennui]

34 minutes ago, walnutqueen said:

Every one of my jokes is dirty

I'm not sure how some of my jokes would go over on this forum. I suppose I could post a few and if y'all hate them, just tell me. 

[walnutqueen]

2 minutes ago, ennui said:

I'm not sure how some of my jokes would go over on this forum. I suppose I could post a few and if y'all hate them, just tell me. 

If they are risque and potentially offensive to a few, I'd probably laugh.  But then, I'm old and only outraged by the really serious shit goin' down.  ;-)

[ennui]

[ennui]

[ennui]

[ennui]

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."

Edited May 10, 2017 by ennui

[ennui]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yes, but you started it."

[ennui]

At breakfast, the husband says to his wife “What would you do if I won the Lotto?”
“ I’d take half and leave you” she says.
“Great” he says. “Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch."

[Petunia13]

[ennui]

[NutMeg]

@ennui, I can't read the leaflet, but the picture made me burst out laughing, it's excellent! I think I'm going to save it and come back to it when I need a laugh :D 

[Petunia13]

[ennui]

[Petunia13]

I've seen that one before - it's a classic! 

[MrSmith]

Here's one from my childhood:

What's round on both ends and high in the middle?

Spoiler

Ohio

[MrSmith]

Here are some pictures that are funny...

Edited to add: There's one I have on my home computer that I'll upload later.

Edited May 17, 2017 by MrSmith

[MrSmith]

Here's the one I forgot to upload last night....

 

[ennui]

[ennui]

[ennui]

The other night I saw an Hispanic magician: "I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos" *poof* And just like that he vanished without a tres.

[Petunia13]

"Anyone here named Jeff?"

Jeff: Yes

Geoff: Yeos 

[Petunia13]

[walnutqueen]

Q:  How many shrinks does it take to change a lightbulb?

A:  Only one, but the lightbulb really has to WANT to change.

[ennui]

n/m

Edited May 28, 2017 by ennui
joke in poor taste

[ennui]

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

[Petunia13]

[ennui]

While a man was dying, his wife was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "I have something that I must confess," he said in a tired voice.
"There isn't anything to confess," replied his weeping wife. "Everything's ok. Go to sleep."
The man blurted out: "No, no, I must die in peace. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" 
"I know," whispered his wife, "that's why I poisoned you."

[ennui]

Tiger Woods: "Is there anyone out there that could muck up their career worse than me?"

Kathy Griffin: "Hold my beer and watch this ... "

[MrSmith]

Saw this on a YouTube comment...

How many Fiat 500 drivers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Spoiler

None, they hold the bulb in the air and wait for the world to revolve around them.

Edited June 2, 2017 by MrSmith

[ennui]

I could use that for a number of makes and models.

In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: "Think!"
The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign, and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "Thoap!"

[Petunia13]

[ennui]

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. When it was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature".
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for some time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Edited June 7, 2017 by ennui
punctuation

[ennui]

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

[Petunia13]

[riley702]

I love that meme. This my favorite:

 

[ennui]

[ennui]

My dad is retired now, and he moved to Florida. And it's really great to be able to go down and visit him now that he's finally able to do those things in life that he's always wanted to do, which apparently is start drinking at noon and then head on out to buy ugly shirts.