Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[theredhead77]

14 hours ago, possibilities said:

Does eHarmony still have a ban on same sex matching?

Holy crap! I was like WTF are you talking about, did some research and had no idea their founder is a homophobic douchenozzle who blamed legalizing same-sex marriage for business challenges.

[CastleBell]

eHarmony is the one dating site I regret trying (not that I've tried all or even most). With OKCupid or Match, I'm immediately going to get a flood of messages-- not because I'm in any way extraordinary, but because I'm a heterosexual woman under 40 living in a metropolis with a big dating pool much of which is online.

With three months of eHarmony, I was only matched with a handful of men, all of whom I attempted to talk to. Only two were willing to reply, let alone make a date. One of those canceled as I was walking out the door and never attempted to reschedule. The other was the worst blind date I ever had. He clearly lost interest in me early on because I mentioned that I've never been able to get into Star Wars. He kept circling the conversation back to Star Wars over and over. Which movies had I tried? How many times? What was my problem exactly? And how did I feel about Star Trek? (All questions asked with barely concealed disdain.) Then, although he had started the date by explaining that he had chosen this night because he was free all night and had nothing pressing in the morning, he cut dinner short because he had to run to XYZ. Subtle, guy.

I'd internalized all of eHarmony's advertising about how they know you well because of their super-secret formula and will find you the right match. So I sort of felt like... gee, they know me and what I deserve is a lot of nothing set off by a little bit of embarrassment. I shouldn't be dating at all because I suck.

I've had much better luck with the more open sites where, yes, I have to wade through fake accounts and men trolling for women young enough to be their daughters and creepy propositions... but someone like me who is at a statistical advantage can go on a number of dates with men who, while they might not be right for me or I for them, turn out to be good and nice human beings.

[Moose135]

I recently suspended my OKC account.  I had some conversations, and a number of dates, including one lady I saw for a couple of months, although I think we both knew it wasn't really going to be a long-term deal.  I started seeing someone I know from my photography group - we've know each other close to a year, and had been out shooting a number of times over the past three months, and about a month ago, after we were both wondering about what exactly was going on, something just clicked.  We've been seeing each other a lot, seem to have a lot in common, and just enjoy one each other's company, so it looks like I'm off the market!

I'm sure I'll check out this thread, and wish everyone here all the best!

Edited November 6, 2017 by Moose135

[AgentRXS]

@Moose135 Congratulations!

[Lantern7]

 I should tweak my profile. Maybe pose for a profile pic. I'm hesitant about that because I never feel secure about how I look to others. On another note, I'll try not to come off desperate. "I'm not DTF! I'm UFHH! Up For Holding Hands!!!"

[CastleBell]

How often do you have to check and reply to messages in order to be fair and responsible about this? I usually only log in and respond once a day in the morning because I don't want  online dating to take over my life. I turned on an OKC account (that I had hidden 2 years ago) on Friday and I'm messaging about 10 men, plus sorting through all of the problematic messages I don't want to answer. That's about half an hour a day, and I don't really want to devote any more. Someone told me "you seem pretty unavailable on here" and gave me his cell. I don't want him, or the rest, to have 24/7 access to me before we've even met... but is once a day a really unreasonable/unfair line to draw early on? 

[Lantern7]

I just like profiles, write messages, and cross my fingers. If I try harder than that, then I would be shooting myself in the foot. I'd read messages and likes, but I never get either. Thus the urge to revamp.

[arielpna]

I'm always afraid to use online dating apps. It makes me paranoid that someone I know might show up and possibly message me why I am online there and looking for a date. I know I don't owe them explanation but it makes me feel flustered to explain. 

[aradia22]

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Someone told me "you seem pretty unavailable on here" and gave me his cell. I don't want him, or the rest, to have 24/7 access to me before we've even met... but is once a day a really unreasonable/unfair line to draw early on? 

Ignore him. He's a jerk. If you want you could make that half hour at night. Like... go on for half an hour when people are usually online (or tell someone when you're going to be online) and then chat for that half hour. If he wants more of your time before a date he's not worth it. There are a lot of guys who have this weird compulsion (I mean regular guys not the scammers) about getting your phone number. And there are the ones who want all the benefits of dating without investing an effort in courting (charming you, taking you out on a nice date, etc.). They are not worth your time or consternation.

[CastleBell]

7 hours ago, aradia22 said:

There are a lot of guys who have this weird compulsion (I mean regular guys not the scammers) about getting your phone number.

Thanks! I'd never thought about how that phenomenon would transfer from in-person meetings to online, but now that you mention it of course it would.

The more I thought of it, the more my thoughts changed from "oh no, am I being completely unfair to the other people on this site" to "I messaged him five hours ago and his multiple messages topped off by the complaint all took place while I was at work... and I'd told him in my last message what hours I worked." Before I just deleted the conversation I looked at his questions, which I'd neglected to do because I was drowning in the initial onslaught of messages. Even though our overall compatibility score is somehow over the magic 80% threshold, some of his answers to questions are problematic to me: creationism in schools, racist jokes are okay, etc. So in the end it's good that he made me take a closer look at him.

Unfortunately when I double-checked him, I also double-checked the other guys and the one I'm most enjoying talking to also has some of those issues.

And in other news, I got a "you'll make a great mother" opening line from a  new message. My profile says nothing about kids apart from them not being a deal-breaker. (Admittedly there is a picture of me holding a friend's baby, but that's mainly because it's a very honest picture of me.) Don't think I feel obligated to answer that one...

[CastleBell]

8 hours ago, arielpna said:

I'm always afraid to use online dating apps. It makes me paranoid that someone I know might show up and possibly message me why I am online there and looking for a date. I know I don't owe them explanation but it makes me feel flustered to explain. 

I think a lot of people feel that way. If it's enough to keep you off of online dating when you would otherwise be interested, of course that's totally valid. But as the old saw goes... why would you have to explain what you're doing there when they are also there? Wouldn't they have to explain too? Plus there's always the harmless white lie of saying that you were looking to help out your friend and a profile caught your eye so you signed up and it turned out to be a fun way to meet some people whose paths wouldn't otherwise have crossed yours.

[aradia22]

New first message... well, a series of 4 messages

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New to this but figured I'd give it a try :-)

In an open relationship with my fiancee but interested in trying new things

Just finished my PhD

How are you?

Argh gargh. NO. Gtfo.

[theredhead77]

On 11/7/2017 at 10:28 PM, arielpna said:

I'm always afraid to use online dating apps. It makes me paranoid that someone I know might show up and possibly message me why I am online there and looking for a date. I know I don't owe them explanation but it makes me feel flustered to explain. 

I got matched with a co-worker, solely due to our political preferences. I sent him a photo of my screen and we had a good laugh.

I used to come across friends on Tinder. Swipe left left always left!

[CastleBell]

Less than 10 days in and I feel completely exhausted with it all. I wish I could turn it off and start over.

Best opening message: You're originally from [place], do you miss [slightly obscure thing associated with [place]? I didn't message him back because he's into heavy smoking and hard drugs, but it was still a solid opening line. 

Worst opening message: Still haven't topped the "you'll make a great mother." Didn't message him back either.

Most recurring opening message: Invitation to friends with benefits and then maybe more. I readjusted my profile this morning to say I'm not looking for new friends. That sounds weird, but in this context where friends=benefits I guess I'm not. If I wanted those benefits without the possibility of more, I'd call my ex who I already know for a fact is not going to lure me somewhere to murder me.

Most tiresome repeated message: Mr. You-Aren't-On-Here-Enough was not amused when I stopped responding. He's finally stopped with the "guess you don't want to text me, lol."

Most stressful maybe-misunderstanding: The guy I'd been enjoying talking to whose questionable questions I uncovered when I double-checked Mr. You-Aren't-On-Here-Enough. Rather than just ghosting, I pointed out how different our answers are and asked if he didn't think we'd drive each other nuts in a bad way. He replied that he answered some questions honestly, but then just started clicking through to get to the end without looking so I shouldn't judge him on that. Then he asked me out and said I should ask him in person. I'm not sure.

Most stressful misunderstanding: Guy asked me to meet for drinks. Since his profile said [city where I live], I said yes, thinking it would be quick and low stress, a better way to see if we clicked than a week or two of messaging. Then it turned out that he really lived in [outer suburb of city] which meant that we'd each be traveling 30-40 minutes to meet in the middle. He wanted to meet at 9:00, which meant I'd be meeting him in an area I don't know well and then walking home alone from the subway at 11:00 or later through an area that's not well-lit or well-populated this time of year. I backed out of the date, which is something I've never done before. 

I don't know whether I'm not in the state of mind to be doing this at all or whether this is just the opening onslaught and I'll be fine when I adjust.

[aradia22]

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Most recurring opening message: Invitation to friends with benefits and then maybe more. I readjusted my profile this morning to say I'm not looking for new friends. That sounds weird, but in this context where friends=benefits I guess I'm not. If I wanted those benefits without the possibility of more, I'd call my ex who I already know for a fact is not going to lure me somewhere to murder me.

LOL

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Most stressful maybe-misunderstanding: The guy I'd been enjoying talking to whose questionable questions I uncovered when I double-checked Mr. You-Aren't-On-Here-Enough. Rather than just ghosting, I pointed out how different our answers are and asked if he didn't think we'd drive each other nuts in a bad way. He replied that he answered some questions honestly, but then just started clicking through to get to the end without looking so I shouldn't judge him on that. Then he asked me out and said I should ask him in person. I'm not sure.

Idk. I don't trust him.

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I don't know whether I'm not in the state of mind to be doing this at all or whether this is just the opening onslaught and I'll be fine when I adjust.

It's up to you. There are definitely periods where I write the whole thing off and hope to just have an adorable meet cute in line at the grocery store. But I do think it takes some time to develop your radar and decide who/what is worth your time. And fall/winter's a tough time to start if it's cold where you are. It's harder to plan dates when you mostly don't want to be outside and it's harder to be casual.

[CastleBell]

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Idk. I don't trust him.

You mean you don't ever accidentally write that you're a racist homophobe who's looking for an open relationship because you're tired of filling out forms?!

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And fall/winter's a tough time to start if it's cold where you are. It's harder to plan dates when you mostly don't want to be outside and it's harder to be casual.

Definitely true. The combination of the time change and a cold snap rushed everyone inside all of a sudden this year, plus everyone is about to have holiday-related time commitments.

Only one new message this morning, but it was one of the generic "hey" messages with a profile that just said "ask me anything." I wonder if anyone ever responds to him when he's suggesting that the other person do 100% of the work without his even offering a starting point.

Another guy I'd been chatting with asked me yesterday morning to meet him yesterday afternoon but I didn't see the message until this morning. Whoops. 

[Moose135]

3 hours ago, CastleBell said:

a profile that just said "ask me anything."

"What's the gross national product of Bolivia?"

[Lantern7]

2 hours ago, Moose135 said:

"What's the gross national product of Bolivia?"

Coffee beans pooped out by monkeys?

I have nothing to add. I message often on OKC, but nobody has written back lately. I just wanted to make the joke.

[CastleBell]

I thought tightening up the profile might cut down on the fishing, especially after only one new message yesterday, but I guess not. After all, one of the points of fishing is that you don't even have to look at the other person's profile before you hit send. Cross-section of new opening messages today:

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Whatcha doing sexy

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Hi there, I think you are very attractive and sound like someone I would like to get to know. You have very pretty eyes.

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  I am new to online dating but OKC seems to think we would be a good match. From reading your profile, you seem like an interesting person and I would like to get to know you. Let me know if you are interested and feel free to ask me anything.

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Hi there beautiful how are you doing

Edited November 14, 2017 by CastleBell

[aradia22]

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I am new to online dating but OKC seems to think we would be a good match. From reading your profile, you seem like an interesting person and I would like to get to know you. Let me know if you are interested and feel free to ask me anything.

Embarrassed to say I used to send a variation of this message specifically mentioning the match %. In my defense, I did it with cute boys when there was nothing in their profiles I felt like I could comment on but I wanted to try sending a message anyway.

[JTMacc99]

4 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

Embarrassed to say I used to send a variation of this message specifically mentioning the match %. In my defense, I did it with cute boys when there was nothing in their profiles I felt like I could comment on but I wanted to try sending a message anyway.

I eventually discovered that on OKC (before I bailed on it) that it was worthless trying to connect with somebody who didn't put in any effort to say something interesting in her profile. 

Generic profile, (I love to laugh!) or very few words is an excellent indicator of lack of enthusiasm. 

Mentioning the match % in addition to something about my profile was perfectly acceptable to me as an opening message. I think the last one I got said something like "A couple more percentage points and we'd be the same person according to OKC!" I thought that was cute.

Fun fact: She read my whole profile, enthusiastically reached out to me first, and after I responded back with the usual nice to meet you and something about her profile that caught my eye, she waits a day and tells me that she thinks we're too far apart geographically.  Heh. Got so caught up in my goofy profile she missed the part about being 90 minutes away.  She should probably change her search radius.

[Moose135]

1 minute ago, JTMacc99 said:

Got so caught up in my goofy profile she missed the part about being 90 minutes away.  She should probably change her search radius.

I'm not sure how OK figured out search radius - I had mine set to 25 miles, and I got a number of matches (including a few I found very interesting) in the Atlanta area, 4 hours away.  I had some other similar matches that were not close to my area.

[CastleBell]

21 hours ago, aradia22 said:

Embarrassed to say I used to send a variation of this message specifically mentioning the match %. In my defense, I did it with cute boys when there was nothing in their profiles I felt like I could comment on but I wanted to try sending a message anyway.

I actually did end up replying to that one because even without the supposed 96% match, he did have a profile that I would have picked out of a lineup as being a good possibility for me. 

 

Three of the new messages I got this morning were from teachers/professors, which makes me feel like I should brush up on my academics before my next date.

 

Annnnd, when I redid my profile last weekend I put in a specific note that while I wished all the best to those looking for friends with benefits, that wasn't what I was looking for at the moment. OKC's robots picked up on the phrase "friends with benefits" so my opening page this morning was "they mentioned friends with benefits" and a long row of naked bathroom selfies. Yikes. 

[Lantern7]

Responded to a profile. She answered back. I'm not putting everything into this, but it's nice to know that a woman read my profile and was intrigued enough to reply.

[Moose135]

That's the first step! Good luck!

[aradia22]

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Annnnd, when I redid my profile last weekend I put in a specific note that while I wished all the best to those looking for friends with benefits, that wasn't what I was looking for at the moment. OKC's robots picked up on the phrase "friends with benefits" so my opening page this morning was "they mentioned friends with benefits" and a long row of naked bathroom selfies. Yikes. 

Haha. Dumb algorithm. 

I think someone mentioned that those things sometimes use words that are not in your profile. I keep getting "they also mentioned biking." Girl, I did NOT mention biking. 

[CastleBell]

More fun with the algorithm: I had How to Get Away With Murder mentioned as a tv show I watched. So the site popped up with "they mentioned how to get away with murder." That's just not an instinctive turn-on, even if intellectually I know these people are just appreciating some campy tv with the periodic powerhouse performance by Viola Davis.

I always feel bad for not being around when someone says "do you want to go out tonight" at 7:00 or "do you want to go out this afternoon" at 2:00 and I don't log on until the next day, but if I checked my messages at all hours I would become completely unhinged. It is weird that if I'm making plans with people who have been important to me for years, there is a back-and-forth of "what works with both of our schedules" and with a stranger on the internet who has written me a couple of paragraphs the implied expectation is that I'll be available at a moment's notice. Meanwhile, it's also expected that I have a career, longterm friends, close family ties, a fitness regimen, multiple hobbies and artistic pursuits, and am well-traveled and well-read. How do people manage to do all that and still stay ready/willing/able to grab a drink with a stranger as soon as asked?

Opening message for the day:

(By the way, those pictures are of his naked chest. None of his face.)

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brr it’s cold and wet out I just went for a run Nice profile :) I recently got out of a 14 year relationship and have 2 kids new to this website. I've only been with her so is this a turn off? Most people on here have been dirty and rude. You seem very nice and you are pretty fun picture I would like to get to know you if you would like. please see my pics I bet you don't write back, but I hope you do.

Edited November 19, 2017 by CastleBell

[aradia22]

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I always feel bad for not being around when someone says "do you want to go out tonight" at 7:00 or "do you want to go out this afternoon" at 2:00 and I don't log on until the next day, but if I checked my messages at all hours I would become completely unhinged. It is weird that if I'm making plans with people who have been important to me for years, there is a back-and-forth of "what works with both of our schedules" and with a stranger on the internet who has written me a couple of paragraphs the implied expectation is that I'll be available at a moment's notice. Meanwhile, it's also expected that I have a career, longterm friends, close family ties, a fitness regimen, multiple hobbies and artistic pursuits, and am well-traveled and well-read. How do people manage to do all that and still stay ready/willing/able to grab a drink with a stranger as soon as asked?

Do not feel bad. If someone respects your time they will set up a date in advance. And maybe this is for my age bracket but I think that if a guy only wants to meet up that same night or the next night and either declares you're too much trouble if you say no or just disappears then he probably just wanted to hook up. More suspicious board members might say it's because he's cheating on someone. Regardless, he's looking for something easy and no one is easy. If you're looking for something more longterm people are complicated, life is complicated, you won't always be able to see each other all the time, you won't always get along... People who bail immediately when things are tough don't scream longterm commitment. That said, I think it's totally OK to bail early if there's some major incompatibility. You're not obligated to try and make it work with every guy who comes along. When you do go on a date it should fun and easy at the start. If he makes you feel bad or he's constantly saying heinous things or he's crossing boundaries, you're not obligated to stick it out and hope it gets better. You build a foundation on that compatibility and mutual attraction to get you through the tough times. Trying to convince yourself to like someone because of XYZ doesn't end well.

[aradia22]

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Howdy!

I'm looking for a new Friend With Benefits. Tinder is boring. Sending these messages fulfills a nostalgia craving for me.

I am 28, I work full time, I'm 5'6" and I weigh 144lbs. I exercise in a gym twice a week and I like to go hiking at least once a month. I climbed Mt. Katahdin a few months ago - it was a life affirming adventure.

So tell me about yourself?

I'm not sure how to feel about this as a first message. He has one photo that I'm not sure I'm attracted to. I'm suspicious of the FWB thing. And maybe it's the rundown of stats being the opposite of how I define myself but I'm... unsettled. Points for writing something real and straightforward but I have no idea if I want to pursue this.

[theredhead77]

1) Why would you even entertain that message if you aren't looking for FWB?

2) Sounds like a major fishing message with minimal effort on his end (copy / paste and wait for the ladies to respond about themselves)

Delete and move on.

[CastleBell]

17 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

1) Why would you even entertain that message if you aren't looking for FWB?

2) Sounds like a major fishing message with minimal effort on his end (copy / paste and wait for the ladies to respond about themselves)

Delete and move on.

Yeah, I agree with this. It's definitely a fishing message, if a better-than-average one-- it says nothing about her profile at all. Now, if she clicked on his profile and was really drawn to him, that would be different. There's nothing inherently wrong with answering a fishing message, and the guy can respond or not as he chooses once he takes a real look at her. 

I currently have five men in the let's-meet stage (not counting the two who asked me out this week and I turned down). I really wish I could have met any of these people more organically so I could focus better on being excited about who each is rather than contemplating making a spreadsheet so I can keep them straight. 

[aradia22]

Thanks @CastleBell Sometimes in the murky waters of okc, you lose perspective. I should have noticed he didn't say anything specific about my profile.

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I currently have five men in the let's-meet stage (not counting the two who asked me out this week and I turned down). I really wish I could have met any of these people more organically so I could focus better on being excited about who each is rather than contemplating making a spreadsheet so I can keep them straight. 

Just curious... did you exchange a lot of messages with any of them? I find that a good online interaction (which is rare) can sometimes get me excited for a date. Or going to do something I'm excited about. But mostly chemistry is what happens when you're face to face. I'd try to stay open-minded and hope that it's easier to keep them straight (because you end up liking them) once you meet. Of course, some of them might be duds in person so the spreadsheet might not be necessary. Good luck! Please report back if you feel comfortable doing so. :)

[CastleBell]

I've exchanged more messages with some than others, and you're right that I'm more excited to see the ones I've talked to a bit more. It also helped to step away for a few days over the holiday-- it refined them in my mind, not least because all of them were traveling for the holiday and the different places they went gave me a little sorting mechanism. In order of how much I've talked to them:

Mr. Australia is the one who sent me the "I don't online date but we have a high match so I'm messaging you" fishing email to begin with. He was in Australia over Thanksgiving for work which was probably great for him since his main hobby is seeing different national parks. I really liked the way he went about asking me out-- made it easy on me, plus he happened to suggest one of my favorite restaurants for lunch.

Mr. Washington DC is very friendly and interesting online, but mildly intimidating: a doctor who has a pilot's license among other things. His schedule sounds crazy and I wonder whether we'll actually end up getting together in person.

Mr. Connecticut has one of those "looks" that I just like but our conversation has been more shallow: I know which classic movies he likes and how his co-workers' plants all end up in his office. The nice thing is that he doesn't work far from me so we'll probably end up with a workday lunch meeting, which is one of my favorite ways to meet: you get a chance at a real conversation but there's a definite end point because you both have to get back to work.

Mr. Cat Sitting Upstate is an ESL teacher, divorced with kids, and while he did message me first he's been the least forthcoming. He said I could message him when I got back from Thanksgiving travel and I said I would, but it's odd to me how little he's said and that he didn't reply in the meantime, so he may go to the back burner if I'm juggling the first three.

Mr. Portugal is the only holdover from before I redid my profile to make it clear I'm looking for something serious, and I mainly gave him my cell number to set something up because I felt bad about missing a last minute coffee invitation. I thought we'd end up doing something quickly before the holiday but then he waited a number of days to text me (at a time that was wildly bad for me, which is one reason I don't like handing out my number to people I don't know except for logistics) before saying he'd be going to Portugal for vacation in a few days. In a reverse of Mr. Cat Sitting, he texted last and I'm just not interested in checking in to see if he's back. All I know is that he is "an academic in industry" and other than our very high match calculation I don't know that we have anything in common. Hopefully he got bored/distracted and this fizzles?

[aradia22]

Well, at least you know you'll enjoy lunch with Mr. Australia.

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Mr. Washington DC is very friendly and interesting online, but mildly intimidating: a doctor who has a pilot's license among other things. His schedule sounds crazy and I wonder whether we'll actually end up getting together in person.

Amazing. He sounds like a character on a bad soap opera. But also people are just people and maybe if you act chill, he'll find it refreshing since most people are intimidated by his accomplishments. 

I like Mr. Connecticut so far. I think a shallow conversation online is good. I don't know how far you've read back in this thread but oversharing has its downsides... not the least of which is an (electronic) paper trail. Sometimes deeper conversations come across better in person. It sounds like you had a fun shallow conversation. Not just... how was your day... good... what you are you doing now... nothing... etc. 

Mr. Cat Sitting Upstate sounds like he has some baggage. Not sure how you feel about that. He might be too busy for a relationship or he might be warily testing the waters. From what you've said, it doesn't sound like he's going to be enthusiastic about jumping into a relationship or steady dating so I think you're making the right choice to focus more on the others for now.

Fingers crossed for you that Mr. Portugal just never contacts you again. He sounds flaky. It hasn't come up lately but I'm glad I created a Google Voice number for work so I have that option now if I'm not sold enough to give someone my real number. 

[Lantern7]

All quiet on OKC. I've pitched a little woo lately, and all I've gotten is a single "I don't think it would work out" message. I also sent messages to the two people that wrote to me recently, but they haven't answered back. I'm not that frustrated, but lack of attention does annoying me a little bit. Bear in mind, there's a lot bigger crap that I have to worry about, both with myself and the world at large.

[CastleBell]

Yes, aradia22, I did read the saga of you and Sweet Nugget. A pretty epic example of the red flag that early over-sharing might warrant.

Anyway, I met Mr. Connecticut for lunch today. Things are still on the shallow end, although when you're talking about a first in-person meeting that's not necessarily bad. But I do think that frequently, even on a date that's clearly going nowhere, you'll get an almost inadvertent flash of authenticity and I didn't feel that at all. Again, not necessarily bad, just unusual.

If I didn't already have a pseudonym for Mr. Connecticut, I would dub him Mr. Agreeable. When he asked me to suggest a meeting place near my office (which is about a mile from his), he couldn't stop telling me what a great choice I made. (Rather generic sports pub, quiet at lunchtime for a decent conversation, not too much money, decent selection of decent food. It was a safe, practical choice more than an inspired one.) I got there a few minutes early and he got there right on time. I'm not sure I would have recognized him from his really excellent picture-- not that the picture was too old or otherwise not fair, but it's a really flattering, fantastic shot. But he recognized me right away so that doesn't matter.

We sat down and looked at the menu and he asked what I was thinking of getting. I told him and asked what he was thinking. He didn't answer and then when we ordered he ordered the same thing as me. He then apologized repeatedly for copying me while I made the same joke I always make with friends when we order the same thing, about how very nice we are to make things easier on the cooks and the waitstaff.

Throughout the conversation, he over and over repeated the last word or phrase I'd said to show that he agreed with me. It's a bit jarring as a habit of speech if you aren't used to it (and I'm not). The conversation covered a lot of basic ground: our respective families, careers, educations, hobbies. Though as I said, lacking in that instant where you really SEE the other person at his core. I didn't have a chance to be nervous (for which I'm quite grateful) because he was always speaking rapidly, often asking questions. I did not have to carry the conversation at all, although I contributed, and it was nice not to do the heavy lifting .

At the end, he lunged for the check and wouldn't let me split it. I always feel bad for guys at this point because they're expected to pay even if, as in this case, I'm better set financially. 

When we left, a panhandler got somewhat aggressive with us-- and he gave the guy a dollar but shut him down when he started demanding more-- and I thought it was very well handled by him under the circumstances.

He told me throughout the date that he wanted to see me again. "Oh, that's your favorite hobby-- we can do that together near my office." "Oh, you live in that neighborhood? Since we've both never been to that museum we can go together." As we said goodbye he kissed my cheek and told me that he would be asking me out again and I should say yes if I wanted. 

I hadn't been bothered by his cologne/aftershave during the date, but when I got back to my office I noticed that it was clinging to me. It wasn't noxious but I was concerned that it had sunk into my sweater. When I got home it became clear that whatever-it-was was in my hair. I've heard of "I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair" but I didn't think this was quite what it meant...

[aradia22]

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But I do think that frequently, even on a date that's clearly going nowhere, you'll get an almost inadvertent flash of authenticity and I didn't feel that at all. Again, not necessarily bad, just unusual.

I wouldn't worry about it too much but if you decide to keep seeing him, it's something to monitor to see if anything changes. I get this a lot. The guy I dated the longest (maybe 10 dates over 2-3 months) was great on paper and we had a few good dates but I started to notice that missing element. Either there was no 'there there' or he wasn't willing to be disagreeable enough to let me see what was there. We had a good first date so I kept trying to recapture that and wondering why it wasn't working. Also he was a terrible kisser. So wet. 

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Throughout the conversation, he over and over repeated the last word or phrase I'd said to show that he agreed with me. It's a bit jarring as a habit of speech if you aren't used to it (and I'm not). 

I wasn't on the date with you but from your account, he sounds a bit awkward. Maybe he's not that socially adept or maybe he's following some kind of class or program that teaches you how to behave in social situations. This all sounds like somewhat rehearsed/practiced behavior for people who don't just get along with people naturally. Something minor like the part I quoted is one of two things. Either it's symptomatic of your larger issues with him and that's why you picked up on it. Or it's a minor quirk you could grow used to if you start to like him. I've noticed that when I'm getting ready to stop seeing someone, all those minor quirks suddenly become unbearable to me.

Of course we all have random quirks that are dealbreakers. I like seeing plays, concerts, etc. I can go off and watch TV on my own but if I ever get serious with someone I'd expect to go with him to see live shows, etc. He needs to be quiet. It's two hours. If there's sighing or shuffling or sniffling or any of that, that's a longterm dealbreaker for me. 

Haha. Love the ending. Maybe it was hair gel? I feel like younger guys don't tend to use a lot of product and I've never noticed much of a scent (good or bad) from the guys I've gone out with. Of course, if you did start seeing someone seriously and scent was an issue, cologne makes a nice gift. ;)

[CastleBell]

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The guy I dated the longest (maybe 10 dates over 2-3 months) was great on paper and we had a few good dates but I started to notice that missing element. Either there was no 'there there' or he wasn't willing to be disagreeable enough to let me see what was there. We had a good first date so I kept trying to recapture that and wondering why it wasn't working. Also he was a terrible kisser. So wet. 

Maybe you were dating Mr. Connecticut's long-lost little brother?! LOL, the kiss on my cheek was definitely wet, but I suppose it wouldn't be fair to guess at his overall kissing technique from that. 

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 he sounds a bit awkward. Maybe he's not that socially adept or maybe he's following some kind of class or program that teaches you how to behave in social situations.

Interestingly on the "things I'm good at" section of his profile he lists "working a room" and "making people feel comfortable in social situations." To his credit, I did feel comfortable during the date-- I was engaged enough that I didn't have a chance to be otherwise. But he was also just a tiny bit off: mostly little things that could be attributed to nerves (I certainly get cripplingly nervous in the lead up to one of these things so I can't judge anyone else for that). I will say that because of certain references, vocal intonations, etc., if I had had this conversation with him under any other circumstances I would have assumed he was gay. 

So I did tell Mr. Connecticut that we should get together again. Paradoxically, I don't have any desire to see him again but I did have a good time on the date. 

Mr. Australia and I are meeting on Friday.

Mr. Washington DC and I are meeting on Saturday.

Mr. Portugal has texted me a few times and is annoying me progressively more. I said something vague about how hectic the holiday season is and he said something dismissive about that only being the case because I let myself get sucked in. 

Still silence from Mr. Cat Sitting.

A few new messages, mostly fishing or low-effort, but none intriguing enough to warrant making this experience any more crazy than it already is. 

[aradia22]

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Mr. Portugal has texted me a few times and is annoying me progressively more. I said something vague about how hectic the holiday season is and he said something dismissive about that only being the case because I let myself get sucked in. 

The block function is a beautiful thing.

[CastleBell]

Well here's an obviously well-thought out opening message:

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waoooooooo tell beauty in one person god bless you you're always beautiful

Here is his equally well-thought-out profile, in its entirety:

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Fun person  

[Moose135]

Sounds like quite the catch, @CastleBell, don't let him slip away!

[aradia22]

This profile came up in random browsing and I just want to know if someone can explain this part to me because I am baffled. 

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My self-summary

Send a message even if it's just hi if you are interested.

This is a joint profile by the two in the photos. We are looking for a female (no men) who would like to join us for some drinks and/or a join us for a drink and see if that goes anywhere. Not just a one time thing if we all get along and everyone has a good time.

We are two pretty different people, but we both enjoy anything outside in the sun and especially the beach. Join us and let's go for drinks or dinner somewhere.

Both 26, as long as you are old enough to meet for drinks then age isn't too important.

How are those two different things? Is the distinction between "some" drinks and "a" drink? That seems a weird thing to specify. Did they mean to write something else? I was swiping and I read it 3 times having one of those "is my brain broken" moments thinking I was somehow missing something. 

[aradia22]

New first message

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Love the dresses

I mean... it's different.

[ratgirlagogo]

5 hours ago, aradia22 said:

This profile came up in random browsing and I just want to know if someone can explain this part to me because I am baffled. 

Is this a profile from a male-female couple? Because in that case I'm certain I know what they're looking for.

[aradia22]

@ratgirlagogo Haha. No, I got that part. But sometimes I feel like reading online dating profiles is destroying my concept of language.

[CastleBell]

I guess they meant drinks and/or dinner, since that's what they put in the next paragraph?

You could always message them and ask. ;) "I'd like to get together for drinks, and to talk about your questionable proof-reading skills." 

[Lantern7]

Tweaking my OKC profile. Might need help with that. Should I be forward about my lack of employment? It's not that I don't look for a job, but I keep billing myself as "freelance," and I don't really do it often to rightfully justify that.

[CastleBell]

Well, I screwed that up pretty well.

Mr. Australia and I were meeting for lunch at a place I love that's about halfway between our workplaces, with both of us walking a mile. 

I had given him my cell number in case it was needed for logistical purposes, and he texted that he was on his way about half an hour before. Meanwhile, Mr. Connecticut texted simultaneously to say he would be in my work building visiting a friend for lunch that day, I guess so I wouldn't think he was stalking me if I saw him. The extra weirdness of this is that Mr. Connecticut and Mr. Australia have the same first name (admittedly not an unusual one). Mr. Connecticut had wanted to go out this weekend, and I'd told him I was busy (not a word of a lie) but we could meet on Monday. So Mr. Connecticut also texted that if my plans changed, we could do XYZ this weekend. I know this is the new normal, but I HATE that I'm walking to one date while someone is texting me about moving another date to a time that conflicts with a third date. One at a time would be lovely. This is not.

 Mr. Australia and I were both about ten minutes early and approached the restaurant simultaneously from opposite sides, like it was perfectly choreographed. He hugged me hello.

Some of his thoughts were interesting, but he seemed to have a lot of knowledge gaps. Expert at what he does (computer programming) but without any breadth regarding things he doesn't study.

Throughout the meal, I absolutely felt like he was ticking off things about me that weren't compatible with his worldview and therefore made me a bad match:

1. My desire to not get further from my aging parents (I'm already several hundred miles away) and keep my current job. He wants to retire early, and join the Peace Corps-- which I think is beyond great, don't get me wrong, and I told him as much. 

2. My having a car in the city. I admit this is an indulgence and a lot of people raise an eyebrow at it. 

3. My decorating for Christmas. He is, his words, anti-religion and doesn't believe the holiday can be celebrated in a secular way.

4. My desire to maybe someday have a bigger place with a guest room and a full kitchen with windows. (He's anti-capitalist and doesn't believe in craving"stuff," grew up on a farm and doesn't want a yard or pets or even a plant.)

It wasn't just that he disagreed. There was an air of judgment, no nods or smiles or "good for you for knowing who you are" reactions. I honestly felt like he was sneering when I talked about how one of the best days I had last summer was hanging out with my friend and her kids at their house. 

When the waitress cleared our places I said no coffee/dessert, and told him that it wasn't that I was trying to rush things but I assumed he had to get back to work, as I did. He started talking about how this was "interesting" and how he's not an online dating person. (WHO IS?!) As I was 100% convinced I was getting the brush off, and fine with it, I asked whether he wanted a tip. I was going to tell him that his original message was considered a fishing message so he wouldn't make that mistake when he reached out to the next person. In retrospect I see that this was a very bad idea on my part even though at the time I truly thought we were just slipping into camaraderie and commiserating about "dating is hard" with a mutual decision of no potential between us.

He reacted with utter shock when I said this, as if I were dumping him and making a public scene. I explained that I thought he had already determined that we weren't a fit. He went on a long monologue about how he hadn't and how he liked me. (I actually hadn't thought he disliked me, just that he thought our goals and life outlooks were incompatible. And by the way, I don't much care if some man I met one time in my life doesn't like me. I'm not holding out for universal popularity here.) And he started telling me all about how his major relationship was from high school through college and they were both good people but not compatible (this presented as if it were a revelation that such a thing could happen, not like something that happens every day.) And then he started talking about foxes and gene modification (this was actually interesting to me I must admit). And then about how college education shouldn't exist. And then about how he swears he is not a geek and wouldn't go to a sci-fi convention. (I'll let you in on a secret I didn't tell him: haven't been to a sci-fi convention, but totally enjoyed that trip to the Star Trek exhibit at the museum.)

At this point I really just wanted to be back at work because it wasn't appropriate for me to be gone so long-- it hadn't been for show when I told the waitress no dessert and told Mr. Australia I had to go. And I felt SO BAD for the restaurant not being able to turn the table over at lunchtime for most of an hour after collecting the check.

He said he thought we should get together again. I agreed because I felt like I had to. Normally I would assume this was an "I'll call you" with the tacit understanding that he would NOT, but we saw how well I read this man's signals.

Yikes.

Edited December 1, 2017 by CastleBell

[aradia22]

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Mr. Connecticut had wanted to go out this weekend, and I'd told him I was busy (not a word of a lie) but we could meet on Monday. So Mr. Connecticut also texted that if my plans changed, we could do XYZ this weekend. I know this is the new normal, but I HATE that I'm walking to one date while someone is texting me about moving another date to a time that conflicts with a third date. One at a time would be lovely. This is not.

I feel like part of the weirdness is that Mr. Connecticut is acting kind of thirsty. 

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Some of his thoughts were interesting, but he seemed to have a lot of knowledge gaps. Expert at what he does (computer programming) but without any breadth regarding things he doesn't study.

I mean, baseline you're allowed to decide what attributes you want your partner to have. And if that's a general well-roundedness, awareness of current events, advanced degree in economics, whatever... that's fine if that's what you need to be happy. I personally would be disappointed if a guy didn't know a ton about something I was really into but his reaction to not knowing would be the important factor. Is he willing to learn? Is he condescending or does he try to write it off because of his insecurity? Even worse, does he try to mansplain despite knowing little about the subject? Intellectual curiosity to me is important in a partner as well as a sense that even if he isn't aware of something, he might make the effort to learn so we could enjoy it and talk about it together. 

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It wasn't just that he disagreed. There was an air of judgment, no nods or smiles or "good for you for knowing who you are" reactions. I honestly felt like he was sneering when I talked about how one of the best days I had last summer was hanging out with my friend and her kids at their house. 

I mean, fair point that if he has really strong feelings on those things maybe you are incompatible and it's good to know now. I'm sorry if his reactions made you feel bad. I do think that unless he was being openly rude sometimes your own discomfort can make you read more into a situation than is there. It seems like Mr. Australia's honest reactions would be jarring after Mr. Connecticut's overly conciliatory consideration.

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He reacted with utter shock when I said this, as if I were dumping him and making a public scene. I explained that I thought he had already determined that we weren't a fit. He went on a long monologue about how he hadn't and how he liked me. [...] He said he thought we should get together again. I agreed because I felt like I had to. Normally I would assume this was an "I'll call you" with the tacit understanding that he would NOT, but we saw how well I read this man's signals.

LOL, I will never understand a man's capacity to think a date is going well. The real question is... are you actually interested in pursuing this or would you even enjoy seeing him again? Because you're not obligated to go out with anyone. Life is too short and you have free will and personal autonomy. 

The part of my brain that operates on bias and stereotypes read "computer programmer" and decided, yup, all of this makes sense. And that's all I'll say about that.

[CastleBell]

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I feel like part of the weirdness is that Mr. Connecticut is acting kind of thirsty. 

It is, and he is. But better that than Mr. Australia!

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I mean, fair point that if he has really strong feelings on those things maybe you are incompatible and it's good to know now.

I agree. During this part of the date, I didn't feel bad at all-- I was just brushing it off as, oh, one of those incompatibilities you don't notice until you meet in person. I thought he was... almost amused at how unsuitable he found me? And that that was fine. And I thought it would be fine for us to finish the meal, shake hands, walk away, no harm done on either side. I was a bit relieved that he seemed to have made the decision that we wouldn't work so I wouldn't have to deal with making that decision. It's been less than a month since I turned on the profile, and I've declined half a dozen requests to meet in person, plus the multiple dozens of messages I haven't answered. Mr. Connecticut is in my phone objecting to waiting six days for a second date. I feel like a picky bitch. Let one of the guys reject me for a change!

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The real question is... are you actually interested in pursuing this or would you even enjoy seeing him again?

I would not. But I am so overwhelmed that I have trouble trusting my own judgment. 

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The part of my brain that operates on bias and stereotypes read "computer programmer" and decided, yup, all of this makes sense.

Indeed. I don't really care if he thinks The Economist is a trade journal only read by people with economics degrees or if he's never heard of the Seven Sisters colleges. I might be able to swallow his belief that there's no value in formal education that can't be replaced by a YouTube video even though I strongly disagree; I'd be willing to listen to see if his black-and-white "anti-religion" stance is more live and let live than it sounds like it may be. But his total obliviousness to the poor waitstaff needing that table for an hour after he paid the bill, not to mention my stated need to get back to work, was a major turn-off to me.