Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[DeLurker]

17 hours ago, stewedsquash said:

Interrupting this thread to ask if any of you have tried this site:  http://www.itsjustlunch.com/

I had a couple of friends who tried it.  They weren't impressed with the results.

[aradia22]

Remember what I said about sudden upticks in activity? I just signed on and suddenly I was trying to keep up conversations with 6 guys. A seventh showed up and I just noped on out of there. Too much!

Favorite new filtered message 

Quote

Hey there! Have you ever wanted to be hypnotized?

[theredhead77]

On 10/4/2016 at 7:02 PM, aradia22 said:

@theredhead77 That's a good point I haven't thought about. Out of curiosity, are there a lot of polyamorous or open relationships when you're filtering for older (older than 20-30) people on dating sites? I feel like people are generally pretty open around my age so it's something I haven't really thought about. The only thing is we're all dating multiple people at the same time without really discussing it.

I've noticed some that state it up front, and ran across a couple people I'm friends with (swipe left! swipe left!) who are polyamorous. Since I haven't had much luck getting a first date I can't really answer beyond that. The last man I dated I knew through work and we discussed it pretty quick. Since we weren't currently seeing other people we agreed to not start seeing others since we lived an hour and a half away and could pretty much only go out on weekends unless he was working at the office local to me.

We  broke up after 3 months for a few reasons and I feel he checked out a couple weeks before that, I'm pretty sure met someone else, closer to home.

[aradia22]

@theredhead77 I'm sorry things worked out that way. For all that sometimes opposites attract or people make connections across the globe, I feel like you're much more likely to end up with someone similar to you where being together is logistically practical. 

An amazing first two messages (same guy, two messages in a row) that I had to share before deleting them.

Quote

I want an Asian Girlfriend :3

You going to Comic Con?

What? In what universe does that work?

[possibilities]

If it worked, I guess he wouldn't still be looking.

[JTMacc99]

On 10/7/2016 at 8:01 PM, aradia22 said:

In what universe does that work?

Ha! 

Along those lines, I've seen a couple profiles listing "mentally stable" as a requirement. 

In what universe does a man stop and think, "Oh, that rules me out."  Especially the mentality unstable ones. 

[aradia22]

I feel like I should mention there's absolutely nothing in my profile that would suggest that I'd be going to Comic Con aside from one mention of iZombie that you really have to look for. No Marvel or superheroes or anything genre really. So that's all on him. 

Speaking of things that should rule people out, I want to be principled enough to put something on my profile or just personally filter out profiles that have something negative to say about women in general but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it. Rationally, I know that likely nothing good will come of engaging with someone who has something on their profile about how women don't message first or how you shouldn't be a golddigger or don't be one of those girls showing too much cleavage or don't be dramatic/crazy/emotional or any of the other stereotypes dipped in misogyny. But I don't because sometimes I'm holding out hope that they're not bad people and they just worded things poorly. And also sometimes it's a dry season and I start rationalizing. 

[JTMacc99]

On 10/9/2016 at 8:20 AM, aradia22 said:

Rationally, I know that likely nothing good will come of engaging with someone who has something on their profile about how women don't message first or how you shouldn't be a golddigger or don't be one of those girls showing too much cleavage or don't be dramatic/crazy/emotional or any of the other stereotypes dipped in misogyny. But I don't because sometimes I'm holding out hope that they're not bad people and they just worded things poorly.

The way I see it, if a person doesn't have his or her own filter to leave that stuff out of the profile, it's plenty warning enough for me to move on.

[theredhead77]

On 10/9/2016 at 5:20 AM, aradia22 said:

Speaking of things that should rule people out, I want to be principled enough to put something on my profile or just personally filter out profiles that have something negative to say about women in general but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it. Rationally, I know that likely nothing good will come of engaging with someone who has something on their profile about how women don't message first or how you shouldn't be a golddigger or don't be one of those girls showing too much cleavage or don't be dramatic/crazy/emotional or any of the other stereotypes dipped in misogyny. But I don't because sometimes I'm holding out hope that they're not bad people and they just worded things poorly. And also sometimes it's a dry season and I start rationalizing. 

Don't bother and steer clear with profiles containing misogynistic behavior veiled as criteria of the type of girl they are looking for. You are a woman, don't bother with boys. I appreciate "never married, no kids", "divorced, shared custody, amicable relationship" type of things though I'd be surprised if I saw any profiles with "baby mama is insane!" If you have a child with someone else I expect nothing but respectful tone when discussing that person.

[possibilities]

Your profile is like your resume. If people aren't trying their best at that point, and making a good impression, it will only get worse once you get to know them better. Don't settle for shit you wouldn't want to deal with long term.

[DeLurker]

1 hour ago, possibilities said:

Your profile is like your resume.

So true.  Upon my advice, my friend put "References available upon request" and/or "References required".  It sparked a lot of comments for her.

[ExplainItAgain]

OK, so this is my last week on match and in a last ditch effort, I emailed a bunch of guys and sent out a new batch of winks.

I do have one promising candidate. After just a few emails we seem to have a lot in common. I only see one small red flag at this point - his profile indicated that he considers religion very important (whereas I do not). It hasn't come up in our conversations yet so I'll have to see how it plays out.

My work friend and I are also still so chatty and get along so well. I am a horrible, horrible person for thinking that it might not work out with the girl he is seeing.

[KnoxForPres]

I've not read here for a while and just came back- read it all!  I miss and love you guys!

On This American Life I heard a story from a woman who wrote a book called "Marry Him". I liked her a lot and ordered the book  

I take issues with a few parts in the book, but the overall gist was that women can perceive themselves as worthy of perfection when in fact no one is perfect.  It doesn't encourage settling, but it really encourages giving men breaks and second, third, fourth etc chances if core values are there (marriage, kids or not, integrity, KINDNESS, trust etc- whatever your values are).  It drives home what really matters and what builds lasting relationships. 

It helped me not only think so much better of my boyfriend (who I thought the world of) but it let me drop the petty, stupid shit.

All those paragraphs to say I think it might be a good read for those in an online relationship world as it would direct you to enter optimistically and focus on the good and more- if they have the core values people deserve chances.

Very few people are tremendous on a first or second date (online or otherwise) and kind, smart, caring people are so awesome and so deserving. It changed me for the better. I cringe at the 25 year old me who wrote off guys for a lame joke, not so great outfit, hell ordered the wrong dressing on salad and I secretly dissed. Who the fuck did I think I was and why did it take me reading this at 37 to sit back and go "shit, he's good. He's really good".  And not textbook perfection.  I wish I'd known that acceptance ten years ago  

Edit- that sounded like a plug for the book, haha. It was not-simply heard her on NPR and really resonated with me. I'd imagine one could read Amazon reviews (provided they felt like I did) and get most all the good content without purchase. But I'd mail my copy of you want to pm me :)

Edited October 12, 2016 by KnoxForPres

[DeLurker]

14 hours ago, ExplainItAgain said:

I do have one promising candidate. After just a few emails we seem to have a lot in common. I only see one small red flag at this point - his profile indicated that he considers religion very important (whereas I do not). It hasn't come up in our conversations yet so I'll have to see how it plays out.

My work friend and I are also still so chatty and get along so well. I am a horrible, horrible person for thinking that it might not work out with the girl he is seeing.

Don't mistake religion and spirituality.  Many people have a je ne sais quoi which may not align itself with an organized religion, but acts as a premise/framework of beliefs, guidance, solace and inspiration on a personal level.  A person may not belong to a specific religion, but that does not mean they do not have share many of the same principles as basic truths of human decency.

You are not a horrible, horrible person for a thought.  At least not that one.  If you start planning to push her down an elevator shaft, we'll revisit the issue.

13 hours ago, KnoxForPres said:

I cringe at the 25 year old me who wrote off guys for a lame joke, not so great outfit, hell ordered the wrong dressing on salad and I secretly dissed. Who the fuck did I think I was and why did it take me reading this at 37 to sit back and go "shit, he's good. He's really good".  And not textbook perfection.  I wish I'd known that acceptance ten years ago

But 10 years ago, that ready acceptance of imperfection might have been settling and/or desperation.  The bar set in place at that point might have been shallow in some ways, but you needed to grow and mature to see that.    And 25 year old Knoxforpres may not have accepted just the superficial imperfections, but some seriously unhealthy ones.

[aradia22]

@KnoxForPres I'm not saying that this is where you're coming from but it's my impression of where that book is coming from. I'm somewhat resentful of advice like that as though I'm somehow incapable of judging people accurately or knowing my own mind. My goal isn't to find someone perfect on paper but someone who I actually enjoy being with who makes my life better. I only become petty and critical when I'm sure someone is wrong for me but I haven't fully come to accept it yet. Of course, it may be a case of differing personalities. I rarely pay attention to things like what a guy is wearing and I'm perhaps inclined to be overly accepting and accommodating until I hit my limit. I'm not here for people who make me miserable or who I'm just never going to feel comfortable with. 

[KnoxForPres]

30 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

@KnoxForPres I'm not saying that this is where you're coming from but it's my impression of where that book is coming from. I'm somewhat resentful of advice like that as though I'm somehow incapable of judging people accurately or knowing my own mind. My goal isn't to find someone perfect on paper but someone who I actually enjoy being with who makes my life better. I only become petty and critical when I'm sure someone is wrong for me but I haven't fully come to accept it yet. Of course, it may be a case of differing personalities. I rarely pay attention to things like what a guy is wearing and I'm perhaps inclined to be overly accepting and accommodating until I hit my limit. I'm not here for people who make me miserable or who I'm just never going to feel comfortable with. 

I agree with you 100% about that- life is way too short (and fun!) to be miserable!  

While in no way am I using it as a textbook as a guide to life, some parts were helpful for me. Mostly trying to be accepting first rather than judging. As I read it I became aware of some honest to god catches I let go over stupid- like really stupid things. And I'm grateful when people return the favor and accept and like me. 

I also think my post came off more serious than intended. Had it been real life it would have been the having wine with a friend type tone as opposed to me at a podium thinking I'm imparting wisdom which apologies if it did- no way in hell am I qualified for that!

I am somewhat of a hypocrite in this thread as my current and any real relationships I've had came the old fashioned way. I have gone out with four guys (two more than once) I met on eharmony. For me (and again I speak only for myself) my expectations and quickness to dismiss were in hindsight much higher than non eharm men. I suppose because there were so many in waiting it was like "who cares- next!"  I think I'd be more open should I have another go around.  And vow to post my dates should that happen.

And to your point that you know yourself- I really agree with that. I know if I'm not attracted it won't happen. The author would disagree with me and I stand by my view on that one. 

I spent a week in your great NYC this summer. I could have parked a lawn chair on Wall Street and just checked out those guys for a week!  Damn it some were so incredibly hot-and all those tailored suits!  Undoubtedly they work 100 hours and probably have the well deserved egos- but holy shit!  I had to end I guess on a superficial and contradictory  note to show I'm just as fucked up as always and indeed need to keep hitting the self-help books :)

Good luck and happiness to us all!

[DeLurker]

24 minutes ago, KnoxForPres said:

 I had to end I guess on a superficial and contradictory  note to show I'm just as fucked up as always and indeed need to keep hitting the self-help books :)

That's our Knox!

If nothing else, the book seems to have triggered a self-review of some aspect of your approach that may not be suitable for where you are now.  It sounds like you'll ruminate over the substance of a possibly minor issue before you cut-and-run.

Kind of like looking at what we were wearing 10 years ago with today's eyes.  Or hair.  Did I really wear jeans that high-waisted?  Yes, and they are tucked away in a drawer because one day they will come back in fashion.

[KnoxForPres]

1 hour ago, DeLurker said:

That's our Knox!

If nothing else, the book seems to have triggered a self-review of some aspect of your approach that may not be suitable for where you are now.  It sounds like you'll ruminate over the substance of a possibly minor issue before you cut-and-run.

Kind of like looking at what we were wearing 10 years ago with today's eyes.  Or hair.  Did I really wear jeans that high-waisted?  Yes, and they are tucked away in a drawer because one day they will come back in fashion.

Yes! I'm first jealous of your insight and 2nd your ability to so succinctly nail it. You've always been a hero of mine for many reasons

[aradia22]

Quote

As I read it I became aware of some honest to god catches I let go over stupid- like really stupid things.

I can honestly say I don't regret letting any of the guys I've dated go, even the ones you might deem "catches." Some of them absolutely weren't bad people. They just weren't right for me. And waiting for that to change was only going to prevent the both of us from finding the right people. I would rather be single than keep someone dangling on the hook knowing they like me way more than I like them and that's never going to change. 

Oh, the hot guys of NYC. I'm guilty of writing them off if we pass in the street because I assume they're actors or models or just arrogant and uninterested in me. It's a... reject them before they reject you kind of thing. 

[DeLurker]

@KnoxForPres - Awwww...thanks!  I feel like I got a shiny gold star on my homework!

[possibilities]

I think some people are too judgmental and picky, and some tend in the other direction and become doormats. Some honest self-reflection is the only way to know which you are (plus having friends who have your back and will tell you if you're way off target in either direction).

[aradia22]

So... a crazy new round of first messages. I feel like this could be a tumblr.

Quote

Hey! To what ethnicity do you owe your beauty?

I mean, it's better than baldly coming out and saying "what are you" but WHY is this your first question? 

Quote

I want you. How do you feel about that?

Somehow straight to the point and also with some plausible deniability.

Quote

Gah so cute :3 might i rate your lovelies Milady? -SuperBoobieRatin

Ah!!! Not real. Not real. Not real. Right? His whole profile is just that. I'm bored. Let me rate your breasts. Just, so much no.

[aradia22]

And now, the stages of denial when you run across a cute boy's profile on Quickmatch...

(He's so handsome...)

50% match (well, I haven't checked out the question breakdown...)

"conservative" (that could mean a lot of things)

"God" (Just because I'm an atheist, it doesn't mean I have to write off religious people.)

"servant of God" (OK, getting a little worried)

"traditional" cheesy, romantic chivalry stuff (I mean that's kind of nice)

'don't bother messaging me if you believe in abortion I need a woman, not a little girl with no compassion, etc.' (Hahaha, NOPE)

[DeLurker]

1 hour ago, aradia22 said:

Let me rate your breasts.

Based on my friends profiles, if a woman wanted you to notice her rack, there was always a picture that emphasized that (those?) attributes.

Remember the scene in What About Mary? where the skeevy PI thought he was going to be watching Mary undress but then got her next door neighbor's boobage?  I'd send him that picture!

[JTMacc99]

There is no reason to emphasize. We always notice.  Which reminds me of the Seinfeld line to George: "Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun, you don't stare at it. It's too risky! You get a sense of it and then you look away."

[aradia22]

Look, I get that humans experience physical attraction (see: story about denial) and you shouldn't have to apologize for it as long as you're not making anyone uncomfortable or crossing boundaries of professionalism, consent, etc. But in what effing world is a woman going to say 'yes, random dude who isn't even brave enough to use a picture of himself, I would love for you to blatantly objectify me, not just reducing me to my appearance as the casual okc straight male does, but actually rating a part of my body. That sounds great.' (I sound madder than I am. I mainly found it stupid and funny. But of course funny because it's such a shitty thing for someone to be spending time doing.) 

[ExplainItAgain]

Match membership has been cancelled. Gave the last guy I was talking to my email so we could continue the conversation. Let's call him Mr. Maryland since he's from there. He seems nice, sort of funny (not knocking my socks funny though), hasn't asked to meet yet though. We have a lot in common. We'll see how it goes.

Taking a week break, hopefully next week I'll get on OKC.

Spent like an hour texting the work friend the other night. I can't quit him :/

[aradia22]

@ExplainItAgain Good luck with Mr. Maryland. Just to add my two cents, as long as you enjoy someone's company, I wouldn't expect them to be a laugh riot. Some people are but a lot of times being able to laugh with someone comes from time or shared interests. You've had more time with Work Crush so naturally you've had more time to build him up as being great. Sometimes I think 'why can't I get into the guys I'm going out with the way I used to crush on guys in school' and the answer is both that I'm not a hormonal teenager anymore but also that I'm not spending weeks and months with these guys and giving myself time to list all their best attributes and build a rapport with them. 

Good luck with okc if you try it out. I'm definitely curious about what your experience will be like. I share the bad stuff because I think it's funny but most of the time I have perfectly normal interactions but don't agree to plans soon enough so they just disappear. So, you know, it's more normal.

You totally don't have to heed my advice, but maybe for your own well-being, you should distance yourself from Work Crush a bit until your feelings cool and/or you start dating someone else. 

[possibilities]

RE work crush-- if his behavior would look like cheating to you if you were his girlfriend, watch out, because a charming cheater is probably not what you're looking for.

[DeLurker]

9 hours ago, possibilities said:

RE work crush-- if his behavior would look like cheating to you if you were his girlfriend, watch out, because a charming cheater is probably not what you're looking for.

Ahhh...very good point.

[JTMacc99]

I recommend not dating a coworker. 

And I realize that I am at my most attractive at work. I dress nicely. I move about the building naturally and with a lot of self confidence. It is my best chance to make a connection that feels right. 

But if it doesn't work out, it can be uncomfortable 

[ExplainItAgain]

Thanks all. It's a weird situation because he's not really my coworker. It's complicated, haha. But, he did confirm yesterday that he is dating a girl and has been for about a month. So, I will back off and just enjoy being friends with him. No more lingering banter and stopping by to see him just because. Even though it will kill me ;-)

I will give you all an update on Mr. Maryland and OKC next week!

[aradia22]

Quote

I am totally looking for a cute boobs to play with. You got em

I mean, this one is almost adorable. I'm aware of my assets, thank you. I was out yesterday in gross workout gear and a ton of guys were still checking out my body. That's not really what I'm going for. It's mildly gratifying but mostly objectifying and uncomfortable.

Speaking of what I'm looking for, I've got conversations going with 4 Asian guys who seem mildly promising. I'm in that stage with all of them where the conversation might dragging out a bit too long but we'll see what happens. 

[ExplainItAgain]

Good luck with the guys @aradia22!

I am still talking to Mr. Maryland. It's such bad timing - I had out-of-town guests this week and now he has them for the next 5 days. So we'll probably be meeting toward the end of the month. Still trying to keep a positive attitude. His emails are a little dry - no joking around. However he seems really smart and very nice.

There is more going on with work friend, but too much to type at the moment.

[aradia22]

@ExplainItAgain Do you feel like you're being playful and he's not reciprocating? Or are you just waiting for him to tell jokes?

[aradia22]

Quick update: I have a date tomorrow. It came together very last minute today. Normally I'd delay so I could primp but to hell with it. I'm keeping it casual and just meeting him at the museum. Obviously I'll let you know how it goes. :)

[theredhead77]

"getting divorced, home separation until the lease is up"

me - expecting lease is up in a couple months. Nope, over a year until said lease is up. Pass!

Also, I don't date people who are separated.

[aradia22]

Question: What do you wear on a casual date when the weather gets colder? Like, if it's a nice date, I'll still put on a dress, I'll just pair it with leggings, boots, layers, etc. so I don't freeze. But for a casual date like coffee or a museum (which for me involves a long trek uptown) I don't want to go through the trouble of trying to be cute only to get sick. Any advice? It's less that I want to make a great first impression and more that I don't want to make a bad impression. And I don't own jeans. 

[DeLurker]

1 hour ago, aradia22 said:

And I don't own jeans. 

My mind refuses to accept this.

I'd just wear the outfit you described for a nice date, but just make the dress you choose more casual.  I've always been a fan of oversized shirts (men's button down in white is my norm), so a tank or more fitted top underneath and wear the shirt open or just button the bottom few.

[aradia22]

I don't really own casual dresses. Basically, my closet is either ballgown or pajamas. ;)

I cancelled the date. Not because of fashion but because the weather is really not cooperating. Anytime there's an "advisory" I'd rather not risk it and I've got a busy week coming up and I don't need to go getting sick. We're in the process of re-scheduling for Monday.

[Lantern7]

I'm looking to get back into dating. I have an OKCupid account, though I'm uncertain how far I can go with that even though it's free. I had Match forever, but I lost interest and canceled, and the site keeps bugging me. My overall goals are to make a woman happy, as well as myself. Would that be too simplistic for potential mates?

[Moose135]

26 minutes ago, Lantern7 said:

My overall goals are to make a woman happy, as well as myself. Would that be too simplistic for potential mates?

Not too simplistic, but I do think your first goal is unattainable. ;-)

[aradia22]

Quote

I'm looking to get back into dating. I have an OKCupid account, though I'm uncertain how far I can go with that even though it's free. I had Match forever, but I lost interest and canceled, and the site keeps bugging me. My overall goals are to make a woman happy, as well as myself. Would that be too simplistic for potential mates?

I pay for my account because I like some of the features but you should be fine with a free account. As far as I know, you still get alerts if someone likes you back (i.e. there's a match) although you won't know if someone just "likes" you. I find matches more interesting that just likes anyway since I think a lot of guys swipe right on everyone. And I think you can still send out first messages. So it's really about finding people you connect with and setting up a good profile.

As for those overall goals, that sounds fine unless that's all you plan to put on your profile. Personally, I would write someone like that off. It's not Tinder. 

[aradia22]

So I had to postpone again. No Monday date. But I do have a coffee date with a different guy on Sunday. (No coffee for me, I hate the stuff.) I don't know enough about Sunday guy to have any expectations. Right now I'm not anticipating fireworks but he also probably won't murder me or say anything too crazy. There's something about longterm non-monogamy on his profile that I'm not crazy about but I figure it's not worth worrying over before a first date. I might hate him and then that won't even be a problem.

[DkNNy79]

On ‎10‎/‎22‎/‎2016 at 2:40 PM, DeLurker said:

My mind refuses to accept this.

Ditto.  I love jeans as they can be casual or dressy depending on your top and shoes! 

I found my guy on OKC (free version).  It took over a year (on and off) to find him, but we're happy.  I much prefer OKC to Match.  Seems like I would never get any interest on Match until I would deactivate my profile.  Not sure if they do that to get you to re-new or not.  I deactivated my profile months ago and I keep on getting alerts that so and so messaged me.

[ExplainItAgain]

On 10/21/2016 at 5:52 PM, aradia22 said:

@ExplainItAgain Do you feel like you're being playful and he's not reciprocating? Or are you just waiting for him to tell jokes?

I do feel like I'm being playful, I think he just has a slightly drier sense of humor than I do. He's made some funny jokes in his last few emails so I'm feeling more optimistic. He seems really smart (my second favorite quality!) and nice. I gave him my number, but again, he has out-of-town guests this week so I'm not expecting any texts. I'm assuming we'll be meeting this weekend or next week (although, he hasn't asked yet...hmmmm).

My work friend and I spent about two hours together this week, just chatting again about everything. I'm starting to think he's just overly friendly and not flirty. I asked my male colleague about the situation (he does not know the guy and doesn't work with him) and he said if he hadn't made a move out of the friendzone there's no interest at this point. I texted him yesterday (something funny) and got no reply. I definitely have to get over this crush - it makes me sad that we have so much in common and get along so well! I want to be the cup of tea for the people that are my cup of tea! Life is unfair :)

[DeLurker]

1 hour ago, ExplainItAgain said:

Life is unfair :)

But if relationship were easy, we wouldn't appreciate finding someone who we fit with!

[KnoxForPres]

On 10/23/2016 at 6:02 PM, Lantern7 said:

I'm looking to get back into dating. I have an OKCupid account, though I'm uncertain how far I can go with that even though it's free. I had Match forever, but I lost interest and canceled, and the site keeps bugging me. My overall goals are to make a woman happy, as well as myself. Would that be too simplistic for potential mates?

I think this is fine as long as you know chemistry goes a long way and "making someone happy" is subjective.

i think my first step would be-like her!  And give people chances. Life can be very cruel and wonderful too. But we ultimately are all in this together. 

One of my best friends is 48 and recently single. And we are in a larger, but  Southern city. She has met a 49 year old divorcee online and they are the sweetest couple. They're about  3 months along and it seems to be going great. She dated some major wtfs but persevered. 

[KnoxForPres]

I don't know what my phone is doing but to the girl with the work friend. I had a guy tell me once that the sure fire way to friend zone is to talk about another girl. Which reading it seems he has. That's kind of no bueno. Guys aren't (typically) like we are passive aggressive and throw shit out there to play hard to get. They go for what they want. 

So I would value that friendship but openly and honestly pursue other avenues. Humor often isn't immediate because we as people want to look cool. And funny sometimes can be perceived as lame or read wrong. Meet these guys in person and ascertain if they have humor.  Some of the funniest make my side hurts from laughing people it either took a few rounds of good beers or just good old conversation to say - holy shit, yes- you're hilarious and I need more. 

[aradia22]

Quote

I don't know what my phone is doing but to the girl with the work friend. I had a guy tell me once that the sure fire way to friend zone is to talk about another girl. Which reading it seems he has. That's kind of no bueno. Guys aren't (typically) like we are passive aggressive and throw shit out there to play hard to get. They go for what they want.

Yes, I agree that she needs to drop things with Work Friend. But I'm resistant to gendered readings. I've become the type of person to go after what I want out of frustration. I dipped a toe in the water by asking out my prom date (maybe I'll tell you the story one day) and after college I just jumped into online dating. But for the non-proactive types I think there are both passive male and female behaviors. The big one for guys is the "nice guy." Hang around, be friends, do favors, be supportive... and hope to eventually be rewarded. The female equivalent is pretty similar. Dress in a cute way, flirt a little, be available, basically just provide an opportunity for them to ask you out. Either way it boils down to not being brave enough to just come out and say what you want. I think at the point when someone is telling you about a significant other, you need to accept that as a "no" answer and move on even if it's not what you want to hear. 

This was more of a high school thing but the guys who were keeping their options open were the ones who would flirt and spend time with you... and never tell you they had a girlfriend.