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Quotes: Full Grown Alpha Male Douchebag

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Because we need the snark! I will admit that I prefer the quotes from previous seasons, so feel free to add those here!


From S05E17: Rescue Me:

Enzo: Atlanta Assassination Squad. How may we be of service?


Damon: Tyler Lockwood's now a life coach despite running his own life into the ground.


Liv: Bottle of gin and let me see you break the seal. What can I say? I got issues.
Damon: Well, pull up a chair, girl, and talk to the professionals. Just make sure to talk slow and use small words.
Liv: Never. Ever.


Enzo: Modern women - all bosom, no mystery. Present company excluded.
Caroline: Dear God, please don't tell me that I'm the real reason that you're here.
Enzo: Why not? From Damon tells me, I am your type: well traveled, charming accent, dodgy morals.
Caroline: Arrogant, tactless, completely unable to take a hint.
Enzo: Precisely.


Liv: Turns out Elena's friends are right.  The world actually does revolve around her.


Damon: I saw [Liv] and Jeremy sharing a top shelf bottle of inhibition killer at the Grille this morning.
Elena: Jeremy wouldn't [cheat on] Bonnie.
Damon: Need I remind you he once had an affair with a ghost? The only thing that was missing was a sappy love song and a pottery wheel.


Enzo: Seventy years in a cage, you think I'd learn to pick a lock by now.


Damon: Little tip: if you're gonna show up to kill someone, don't waste time feeling bad about it.


Damon: You do not get to tell me what to do anymore. We broke up.
Elena: This is exactly why we broke up. Please tell me you understand that.
Liv: Oh my GOD, just kill me already.


Luke: Who are you?
Matt: Friends of Jeremy and Elena.
Tyler: Even Damon. Sometimes.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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I always loved your posts in this thread on TWoP glad you started it here!

Sloan: Well they don't call us travelers for the mileage points.

Jeremy: Not like I can write my teacher a note  "sorry I missed class I was dealing with a doppleganger invasion"

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Liv: So much testosterone, so few brain cells.

Caroline: You know how we all laughed off the notion that the universe was drawing Stefan and Elena together? Well, that's happening.

Damon: Wait, what kind of visions?

Enzo: You know what she's not telling you. Somebody's having sex dreams.

Liv: It's not what it looks like. Jeremy hired me to help him with math.

Bonnie: Right. Was that before or after you lied to my face and tried to kill his sister?

Enzo: Hope can trick you into all sorts of hilariously unrealistic scenarios.

Damon: So...sex dreams about my brother?

Elena: Wow, okay, that's definitely one way to change the subject.

(knock on door)

Damon: We're all good on bibles, thanks.

Damon: Liv has a twin? Is it possible for there just to be one of someone around here?

Damon: What do you mean you can't stop their visions?

Luke: Our magic doesn't work like that. We're not bigger than the universe.

Damon: Then why are you in my house?

Luke: Their leader Markos is here.

Damon: From where? Chant camp?

Elena: Perfect. A dead old guy with a mysterious evil plan. I'll take that drink now.

Enzo: Break out the popcorn, blondie. Elena's little sex romp isn't over yet.

Elena: What are you doing out here?

Damon: Oh, you know. Looking at the stars, listening to the universe laugh at me.

Enzo: I wonder if this is where Stefan and Elena had crazy vision sex. It was probably the bedroom. Stefan's pretty vanilla. But apparently that's Elena's favorite flavor.

Damon: I'm going to staple your tongue to your chin.

Markos: Not in my house, please.

Damon: Markos, I take it. Well, I'm not Stefan and this is not Elena.

Markos: Mystic Falls is a beautiful town.

Damon: Oh yeah, picket fences, block parties, uncannily high death rate.

Stefan: I got your aunt Jenna a wine of the month thing. Do you think she'll like that?

Elena: The only thing I think she would have liked more would have been a wine of the day thing.

Stefan: Everybody loves a biter!

Stefan: I think you can either be friends with someone or in love with them. I don't think you can be both.

Kol: Not to be insensitive, but she was already dead.

Jeremy: I just realized you're the only person in this office the sheriff hasn't killed.

Damon: I think we need some rules here because if I'm not allowed to drive you home, then I definitely don't think you're allowed to ambush me in my bedroom.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Oh I can't believe you missed my favorite.

Markos:The first two are complicated, but  the third one is easy. I'm the reason Sefan and Elena are having visions of each other.

Damon: YOU?

Enzo: Well would you look at that, I think we just met the universe.

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Stefan: Did I say Damon? I meant...George.

Jeremy: Whose nasty ass boxers are under the couch?

Matt: Not mine. I actually do my laundry.

Damon: I've got two brain dead teenagers who didn't realize two plus two equals one hijacked hybrid. Well, what do you say? Field trip? I'm sure there's some salvage yard we haven't toured yet. I think it's a little too dangerous to let Tweedledee and Tweedledumber out of the house.

Enzo: Too many witches under one roof makes me nervous.

Damon: Whoa, Enzo, you have your murder voice on.

Liz: Why the sudden interest in Mystic Falls history?

Damon: You know when your brother kills your only friend's girl and you're stuck in the middle?

Enzo: Whose side are you on?

Damon: There are sides now?

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Stefan: Damon, I know you're out a friend but I'm not sure this guy's the best replacement.
Damon: I don't think this guy's the best anything.


Damon: Good news! Our friend Luke here is an alleged genius at locator spells.


Caroline: Good news - we don't have to be invited in! Which is actually super sad if you think about it.


Elena: I lied to his face.
Stefan: Yeah, I know. You know what? Think about all the times he's lied to you and call it a freebie.


Damon: Area 51? JFK assassination? What the hell is that?
Caroline: Stop! You're ruining the game!
Damon: What game?
Caroline: Charades. Our theme is Secrets That People Think They're Getting Away With.
Damon: Well, Meryl Streep, I'd love to know how we're going to act out Watergate.
Caroline: I'm sure Team Stelena will figure it out.
Damon: A: You just implied I was on your team. 2: You just gave me that judgey little hinty voice. So what am I missing?
Caroline: It's probably nothing.
Damon: Speak.
Caroline: Well don't you think that Stefan and Elena have been a little...you know.
Damon: No, clearly, I don't.
Caroline: Secretive. I caught them being all hushed and whispery at the car this morning. And now they're getting firewood out of the shed together, which apparently takes twenty minutes.
Damon: You know, now that you mention it, Elena got all cagey when I brought up Enzo.
Caroline: No, no, I'm not talking about Enzo. I'm talking about Stefan and Elena.
Damon: How much have you had to drink?


Bonnie: When I planned our romantic day together, I wasn't picturing you, me, and two other guys.


Jeremy: One part wolfsbane, one part vervain. All together, the dumbest idea that either of you have ever had.


Stefan: Never have I ever been possessed by my evil doppelganger.
Elena: Mean. Never have I ever been fooled by my evil doppelganger while she was pretending to be me.
Caroline: Low blow.
Damon: Tough but fair.


Caroline: Okay, what is going on?!
Stefan: Nothing, obviously, because nobody is drinking.


Damon: I would blame it on the spirit of Bill Forbes but I don't think you're his type.


Stefan: You need to know why I lied to you.
Damon: Nope, I don't.


Bonnie: Of course the creepy travelers are hiding their bodies in creepy caves.
Jeremy: Try to think of them as romantic travelers in romantic caves since we're technically still on our date weekend.
Bonnie: Omigawd, all these travelers are passengered inside people in Mystic Falls.
Jeremy: I take it back. This is creepy.


Damon: Did you think I was going to go on a rampage, slaughter innocent people, go bowling with human heads?


Damon: Dick move, Enzo.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Not much left of the show this season except some good comedy lines.


Luke: So it kills vampires what does the spell mean for the witches?

Damon: No one cares.


Damon: You and I and OUR ex-girlfriend are going to go on a little secret trip.

Stefan:(stone face) *crickets*


Caroline: For a couple of doppletargets you two seem to be taking it in stride.

Stefan: Well you know a tribe of ancient wannabe witches want to drain us of our blood and eliminate supernatural beings. I've had worse.


Markos: as for the rest of you I hear a lot of walking when I should be hearing chanting.

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Damon: I also know that Markos and your passenger comrades are planning some big flashy spell to undo some super boring ancient witch curse. And where that sucks for us - it just happens to undo all witch magic i.e. kill me and my sexy blonde frenemy here.


Damon: Seriously? Collect calls are still a thing?

Stefan: Yeah, well you know what could have saved you the cost of this phone call? You finding us. How long have we been gone?

Damon: Four days.

Stefan: Four days? Four days and you couldn't track us down? What did you think? We were having a nice spa getaway?

Damon: Whoa whoa whoa, I've been searching 24/7, okay? Maybe if you'd been a little more perceptive, you wouldn't have gotten yourselves doppel-napped.


Damon: Yeah, I know, find Markos, kill Markos, save Mystic Falls from becoming Traveler home. It's gonna be a busy day for me, Stefan. Time to strap on the hero hair.


Damon: I've got two missing doppelgangers, I've got a Traveler that wants to rid our town of magic, and I've got the friendly banker Mr. Sykes in the coat closet so escape from the netherworld is going to have to wait until tomorrow.

[Enzo throws a bottle of booze]

Bonnie: I think he wants to be penciled in for today.


Luke: How was I supposed to know Casper the English ghost would be a complication?


Damon: There's no shame in giving up. I mean, aren't we all a little sick of Tyler?


Julian in Tyler: Stop hovering. It's weird.

Caroline: You're like permanently inhabiting the former love of my life. Let's debate the levels of weird.


JiT: It's revenge against everything the witches stand for: every grimoire, every talisman, every vampire, right down to your daylight rings. The Travelers see it all as a perversion of pure magic. Markos wants to destroy that perversion. He wants to restore the balance.

Caroline: But that's just...wrong!

JiT: It's not really wrong when you think about it. If anything, it's kind of right.



Cave of Wannabe Witches

For More Information

Damon Salvatore


Markos: They're ragged, beaten down by the world, desperate for a home.

Damon: You just described homeless people, aging hipsters, and Matt Donovan.


Damon: I know the concept of a home is new to you, but it is polite to knock.


Markos: Nice place. A little rustic. My tastes are more modern, ironically.


Damon: Mystic Falls is kind of a dump. Bad schools, terrible traffic, and forget about ever getting a decent cup of coffee.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Damon: opps sorry about that can't have you mumbling any of those annoying traveler diddys, it's a sure migraine.


Liv: I ordered us waffles. I figured our last meal wouldn't be complete until we poured liquid sugar all over it.

Luke: ummm my ray of sunshine sister.


Luke: These people are so nice.


Damon: I'd invite you to stay for dinner but I'm not very familar with traveler cuisine. Although I'm sure it involves a lot of trail mix and gruel.

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Enzo: One less witch twin in the world.

Bonnie: No, one more person we need to bring back.

Enzo: This list is getting uncomfortably long.

Bonnie: Tell me about it. But with Liv doing the spell, not bringing her brother back would be just -

Enzo: Smart? Savvy?

Bonnie: Cruel.


Bonnie: Caroline was right. Dying eliminated your passenger.

Tyler: Hang on. Did you say I'm dead?

Bonnie: I did, but we can bring you back.

Enzo: The list keeps growing.


Jeremy: I walked around Mystic Falls this morning to see where my hunter instincts disappeared.

Damon: Meaning what? Your biceps shrunk and your brain got smaller?

Jeremy: Meaning that I have a supernatural urge to kill vampires so wherever I hated you less, there was no magic.


Damon: Next order of business: mass murder.


Matt: We can't blow up our home town.

Damon: Says one of the only people left in this group who can actually live there.


Lexie: Huh. I thought for sure he'd be here. If you were a history teacher turned vampire, where else would you be?

Stefan: You seem very intent on finding someone you barely know.

Lexie: Well, I have a thing for day drinkers.


Bonnie: You need to be a younger, hotter Bruce Willis.


Silas: I'm late, aren't I? My bad. I was watching some 80 year old witch get dragged off to never never land. It was weirdly entertaining.

Bonnie: Stefan!

Enzo: Not exactly. Bonnie, meet the traveler with our one way ticket out of here. Although you may know him better as an ancient immortal with a desperate need of a cure.

Bonnie: Omigawd, Silas. You killed my dad.

Silas: And now I'm going to help you bring your friends back to life, and me along with them. So, what do you say? Bygones?


Stefan: Where the hell is Alaric?

Lexie: I don't know. Maybe he finally found peace. Although if he did, I'm going to be super pissed he beat me.


Silas: I feel like I'm teaching calculus to an infant.

Bonnie: I'm sorry, I'm a little nervous about unleashing a plague onto humanity.

Silas: Ooh, I've been upgraded to a plague! How biblical. And fitting seeing as I probably will kill a lot of people in an epic all inclusive way once I'm out of here. Oh, speaking of, how is my shadow self? Is it a crime for someone so good looking to be so sad all the time?


Matt: Can we talk about the irony of blowing up the only place dumb enough to hire us?


Elena: Don't go on a suicide mission!

Damon: Technically it's only half a suicide mission.


Damon: Not to re-live old fights, but this is my choice and I need you to respect it.

Elena: That was a low blow.


Elena: You said to respect your choice, and I did. Now you can respect mine.


Alaric: Did you seriously wear your seatbelt?


Alaric: Friendly advice? When you finally get the girl, don't blow her up.

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Bonnie: I'm sure there are a million people we'd both rather be with right now, but.

Damon: A couple thousand at most.


Elena: Hey, did you find a Traveler that is gonna get us out of here?

Bonnie: Yep. Learning the spell as we speak. I'd introduce you, but um--

Elena: Thank you, whoever you are!

Silas: Oh, just the perfect specimen of man, that's all.

Bonnie: Moody old lady, kind of senile.

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Rewatching from 3x01


Alaric: I'm every parent's worst nightmare. I'm the chaperon teacher from hell.


Damon: Andi wants me to pick her up.

Alaric: You mean your fake compelled girlfriend wants you to be a chivalrous boyfriend.

Damon: It's a complicated dynamic. Hold the fort down, will you?

Alaric: You mean the fort full of my drunk history students?

Damon: Drink more. It'll feel less weird. 


I swear that last line should be on the "Welcome to Mystic Falls" sign.


Trying to avoid double-posting while I Netflix. From 3x07


(Bonnie's grimoire flies open)

Caroline: Please tell me that's a recipe for witch cookies.

Edited by bettername2come
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Red shirt #1: It could have been worse. Melanie Peterson was arrested for underage drinking last. I swear this place is turning into that town from Footloose.


Caroline: I dropped out of Whitmore. Why would I support their stupid football team? You don't even like football.

Elena: No, but I like drinking in the parking lot beforehand.


Alaric: The study of the occult is the study of hidden knowledge. Today we're going to discuss is as it relates to resurrection. Is there something funny, Liv?

Liv: More like ironic, but okay.


Luke: Are you asking me if there are side effects to the ancient psychotropic herbs I've been giving you? Because there haven't exactly been clinical trials.


Elena: How long do you think it takes after somebody comes back to life before they can start dating again?


Elena: Can we not talk about this?

Damon: What? The fact that I'm dead? Cause I am.

Elena: Technically you were dead when we met.

Damon: Good point. Now I'm just gone.


Tyler: Still working out the kinks of being human. My tolerance blows.

Alaric: Not to play chaperone here but are you sure somebody with your anger issues should be drinking at all this close to a full moon?


Alaric: You know, I haven't been buzzed since I came back to life. Saying that out loud while sober really freaks me out.


Alaric: As the only sober person here, trust me when I tell you this, Tyler - that girl is so not into you.


Jo: I look at blood all day. Because I work at the medical center, not because I'm a serial killer.


Alaric: Actually I'm a germaphobe.

Jo: So you're like a vegetarian of cool people.


Alaric: When I lost my human nature, I also lost my game.


Bonnie: Every day I tell you I hate that.

Damon: And every day I do it anyway.

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[bonnie and Damon realize they're still holding hands]

Damon: Well that got awkward fast.


Damon: I definitely blew up [the Mystic Grill] an hour ago.


Enzo: I heard you dropped out of school.

Caroline: And I heard that you were a lurker who is spying on my life.

Enzo: You should reconsider. Looks can only get a girl so far these days.

Caroline: Well I'm not taking feminist tips from a guy who just used his tongue to get secrets out of a coat check girl.

Enzo: Garment attendant.


Caroline: You work at an auto repair shop?

Stefan: It's relaxing.


Enzo: You have a lovely clavicle.

Ivy: Thank you...I think.

Enzo: Forgive me. I always notice a woman's neck. I'm a neck person. So's Stefan! Right, Stefan?

Stefan: Not anymore.

Enzo: That's silly. You can't just stop being a neck person!


Ivy: Is Enzo your boyfriend?

Caroline: Oh, god, no. Would you date that?

Enzo: Hello, I'm right here. I have super sensitive hearing. Practically supernatural.


Damon: If you're still a witch - which with our luck and your skill, probably ain't the case.

Bonnie: Would a little support kill you?

Damon: You know, I am acutely aware that we are in some other worldly time dimension; however, did you ever think for one second that maybe it's you being negative reacting to my natural self negatively?


Bonnie: Breakfast with my least favorite person and a crossword puzzle from 1994.


Matt: A little early for that, isn't it?

Jeremy: It's dark out.

Matt: I meant in life.


Bonnie: What's a seven letter word for "kill me now"?
Damon: That joke got old six weeks ago.

Bonnie: And I hate pancakes!

Damon: Whoa, don't take it out on the pancakes!


Damon: Further evidence we're in hell - not only am I stuck with you, I'm stuck with the useless version of you.


Bonnie: I swear I heard something.

Damon: Maybe it's the sound of existential despair.


Elena: It's okay to love them both. That's what Katherine used to say. How sad is it that my own evil doppelganger was smarter than me?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Caroline: [Elena] doesn't seem like her old self.

Matt: Yeah, because she's happy. Isn't that the whole point?


Tyler: We're having a party today. You think you could spare a keg or two? You can come.

Liv: You and alcohol and my brother - why does that combination sound so familiar and terrible?  How is your trachea, Luke?

Luke: In fairness, he apologized.


Damon: I know it's been a while, but you couldn't do magic as an anchor so I'm curious what momentary lapse in reason makes you think you can do it now.

Bonnie: When all this started, you sucked at making pancakes and now they're somewhat edible. There's no reason to be Peter Pessimist. We have proof we're not alone.

Damon: First of all, don't nickname. That's my thing. And this proof, this mysteriously filled in crossword, could very easily have been you.

Bonnie: I didn't fill it in.
Damon: No, you don't know you filled it in. You also don't know that you talk in your sleep.

Bonnie: What are you saying? I sleep-crossword?


Bonnie: Pork rinds.

Damon: Not on the list. And ewwww.


Caroline: Do you understand the rules?

Enzo: Yeah, rule 1: don't mention Elena was madly in love with Damon or you'll kill me. Rule 2: don't really reference Damon at all or you'll kill me. Rule 3: wear sunscreen.

Caroline: Don't make fun of me. It's important that we let Elena live her new happy problem ignoring zombie life the way she wants.

Enzo: Sounds oddly supportive and judgmental.


Caroline: Tell me that you snatched, ate, erased.

Enzo: Funny thing about that. You do the first two properly, the third is unnecessary.


Bonnie: Let's play a game. When we get out, what's the first thing you're going to tell Elena?

Damon: Sorry I killed Bonnie but she was the most annoying person in the world. She wouldn't shut up. She just kept talking. It's a wonder I made it as long as I did. But here's the thing - I think it's better this way because she didn't have magic and she was pretty much useless.


Elena: You invited the girl I attacked?

Jeremy: No, I brought the girl Caroline compelled to forget you attacked. She doesn't know anything.

Elena: Jeremy, why would you even risk it?

Jeremy: Because she looks good in a bikini.


Caroline: Yeah, not answering is one of [stefan]'s new things.

Elena: He said he was here to apologize.

Caroline: Lying - also one of his new things. Stefan has a lot of new things.


Caroline: I thought I told Enzo to go get more ice.

Girl at party: Did you do it in that tone? Cause I think I know why he didn't.


Kai: Maybe you should have a drink. It usually calms you down and makes you angry and sad then calm again. It's a weird cycle.


Kai: Who buys patio furniture at a grocery store?


Kai: You always fight dirty, Damon. That time you and Bonnie played Monopoly and you stole from the bank? Not cool.


Kai: The useless one is here. Thank god! I've watched you try to do magic for months now. What are you going to do? Fail at me? It's embarrassing. I'm embarrassed for you.


Damon: Sorry I called you the most annoying person in the world. I hadn't met [Kai] yet.


Tyler: Whoa, was that always dented?

Matt: Doesn't matter. It's a keg.


Enzo: You didn't realize your friend was a vampire hunter? Well you do now.

Matt: No, no, that's not possible.

Enzo: Yes, it is. And as much as I'd like to watch you process what I'm sure is a dreadful revelation, I need to bury the body.


Jeremy: Weren't you getting ice?

Girl at party: I was until how mean that girl was to me.

Jeremy: How?
Girl at party: Um, I have self respect.


Liv: Sad jocks are kind of like sad clowns. They're pathetic but kind of hilarious.


Elena: Is this an official unpack? Because your moving methods are so confusing.

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Damon: I could just torture you until you say something useful.

Kai: If you torture me, I'll get mad and then I won't want to help you. What kind of person needs to have that explained to them?


Alaric: I thought you two were looking for Sarah together.

Jeremy: I did my part. She is definitely not hiding in the Salvatore liquor cabinet.


Alaric: He's a little, uh...

Jo: Underage?

Alaric: I was hoping you could give him one of those rapid rehydration hangover cure type things.

Jo: Oh, yeah, you mean the ones we reserve for professional athletes and starving children in third world countries? Yeah, I think we'll start with a full work up - physical, blood toxicology.

Alaric: Yeah, why don't you throw in an STD screening while you're at it?


Alaric: It's just another day in the life of an occult studies professor.

Jo: If that entails supervising drunk morons, then you and I have a lot more in common than I thought.


Elena: So your system for moving on requires both burning bridges and a dead end job.

Stefan: We haven't even gotten to the fun part.

Elena: Paying your utilities?


Jo: What about you? Former party animal?

Alaric: Yeah, I used to get kicked out of the library all the time. Because it was closing.


Stefan: Elena Williams!

Elena: Stefan Cooper, what are you doing?

Stefan: We've known each other for a very long time now and you've always been my best friend. I have always loved you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you-

Elena: Wait! You're not just proposing to me because I'm pregnant, are you?

Stefan: No, no, I am proposing to you because you are my rock. You have stood by my side through the multiple rehabs, the jail time, the bullfighting injury. I mean you have brought me back from the edge and sweetheart, this baby is the best thing that ever happened to us. Will you marry me?


Elena: According to Caroline, Sarah's still MIA and now Enzo's missing.

Stefan: Probably out killing someone else's girlfriend.


Bonnie: You know, you could have just shown us the ascendant to begin with.

Kai: Yeah, but I wanted to feel your hand on my chest.

Bonnie: There's something not right about him.

Damon: You're just not used to guys hitting on you.


Kai: Who names a kid Malachi? It's like they expected me to be evil.

Bonnie: All these kids were murdered.

Kai: Hello! Not everyone died. I had a soft spot for one of my sisters cause otherwise I would have cut her lungs out and not just her spleen.

Bonnie: What?

Kai: You can survive without a spleen!


Jeremy: My problem is that everyone thinks I shouldn't have one. I have the right to be messed up right now. Bonnie is dead! She knew it was going to happen and she said goodbye over the phone, just so you-

Alaric: Keep going. So what - I could come back to life, right?

Jeremy: You, Elena, Stefan, Tyler, Enzo. She saved everybody but herself.

Alaric: You want to talk about resentment? My wife ran away because she would rather be a vampire than be married to me. Come to find out it was Damon who turned her. And then she died. And then Jenna. She died. And then I died. And then the guy who killed my wife died. And I actually kind of miss him. And now I can't even talk to a girl without fantasizing about tearing into her neck. I mean, Jeremy, I have resentment for years - YEARS! I get it.


Kai: Oh, come on, Bonnie. You want to go home to your friends. I want to go back and give the rest of the Gemini coven an excrutiating death. Win win!


Damon: We might be having a bit of a disagreement but don't ever lay a hand on her.


Elena: How could I possibly love Damon?

Stefan: Believe me, I asked myself that for a very long time.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Ivy: Your friend Enzo turned me into something straight out of Buffy the Vampire Slayer! I used to be a decent person. I got good grades, I went home for Christmas, I had a freaking etsy store.


Caroline: Ivy? How did this happen?

Stefan: Enzo turned her.

Ivy: Then Stefan broke my neck and I woke up in a trunk.


Ivy: You know, the real tragedy is I read "He's Just Not That into You"-

Caroline and Stefan: SHUT UP!


Alaric: And the moral of the story is do not fall in love, especially with your brother's girl.

Elena: You know, that cautionary tale would have had more of an impact on me about two weeks ago.

Alaric: Damon may be gone but I can still find pleasure in judging his life choices. Speaking of which, have you changed your mind about me compelling you to forget about him yet?

Elena: Why do you say "yet"? As if I'm going to wake up one day and realize that my life is over if I don't have the traumatic memories of loving a serial killer?


Elena: You are like one hoodie and three missed haircuts away from becoming Professor Shane.

Alaric: I am perfectly content staying at home letting my hair grow out.


Alaric: I am happy. Ish.

Elena: Exactly. I'll see you at 8. But not in that t-shirt. You've worn it twice this week.


Damon: What ever happened to hope, Bon? Remember when I was like, "Boo, grrr," and you were like, "Hooray, hooray, we're getting out of here!"?


Ivy: Can we at least play a board game or something non-vampire related?

Caroline: Finally, a good idea! What kind of game do you want to play?

Ivy: I don't know. Scrabble?

Caroline: I have tournament, classic, and travel sized.


Stefan: I just came here to get one of these from Luke. [holds up a daylight ring]

Alaric: Let me guess. You played the "Damon is dead and it's all your fault" card.


Alaric: You mean your girlfriend from Savannah, the one you falsely led me to believe was a witch who knew how to help Damon and Bonnie?


Alaric: Are you asking me to help you with a breakup?

Stefan: I'm just asking you to give her a fresh start.

Alaric: You mean give you a fresh start. Sorry, Stefan. It's not that easy.

Stefan: Well it was when you compelled Elena to forget about Damon.
Alaric: Well you forgot about him first, pal.


Damon: Zima, grunge, every Alex Rodriguez rookie card known to man, and a pager, really?

Kai: 555-HI-KAI, no way I'm giving those digits up.

Damon: These are the important supplies you had to get?

Kai: Look, the future sounds great. I'm super excited about the internet, but 1994's been my home for most of my life. I'd hate to get homesick.


Jo: Oh, Professor Bourbon.


Caroline: Were you seriously about to dump your vampire ex-girlfriend onto my lap and just skip town?


Ivy: I did a really bad thing.

Caroline: Oh, you mean break my neck? Yeah, I noticed.

Ivy: Okay, two bad things.


Damon: Douche-kabob.


Bonnie: It's time, Damon.

Damon: Alright, let's get awkward. I'm sure there about a billion other people you'd rather be here with.

Bonnie: Not exactly.


Damon: So what, I'm gone a couple of months and you think it's okay to waste a perfectly good bottle of bourbon? I mean this stuff is good, but it's not "I see dead people" good.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Damon: On the not so bright side is your intelligence, because you took the only chance of us getting out of here and turned him into a giant... douche-kebab.

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Stefan: Mystic Falls, 1994?

Damon: I know - if a bunch of witches were going to get together and create some space time purgatory, you'd think they'd pick a better year than the one Kurt Cobain killed himself.


Alaric: Damon is going to kill me!

Elena: You're unkillable.

Alaric: Doesn't mean he won't try.


Elena: I have a shift at the hospital.

Alaric: Since when?

Elena: Since Damon came back and I'm trying desperately to avoid him!


Sarah: What is so urgent to make you finally unglue your ass from the couch? I know it's not school. It's not work. If it's another girl, I'd shower first.


Enzo: When did Stefan's moral compass become the new true north? Wasn't he the one who scurried off to some poxy little town while he let everyone believe he was still searching for his brother? Not exactly a hero move if you ask me.


Caroline: Why didn't you tell us Enzo's been locked up this whole time?

Matt: Honestly, I didn't know anyone was missing him.

Caroline: Matt!

Matt: I'm sorry, I was confused about which vampires we like and which ones we don't.


Damon: Professor Saltzman - you couldn't compel yourself a PhD?


Caroline: You didn't want to deal with Ivy anymore. You wanted her gone and now she is. You know, you should really write Tripp a thank you note.

Stefan: Hold on a second. Enzo turns Ivy, right? A hunter kills her and yet I'm the bad guy. I'm not the one threatening to turn in other vampires to save his own skin.

Caroline: The only one who's turned in other vampires is you, Stefan.


Damon: Kinda creepy, you just standing there all hulky and broody.

Jeremy: Says the freak who's stalking my sister.

Damon: Technically I'm lying in wait.


Elena: How did you know [Alaric and I are vampires]?

Jo: Besides not believing that you closed a penetrating abdominal trauma without so much as a first aid kit, I'm pretty sure you weren't looking for stevia in my coffee. With Alaric, I wasn't 100% certain. He tried to compel me but then I remembered I have really crappy luck in my love life so OF COURSE my hot new teacher crush would be a vampire.


Matt: Tripp has Ivy's phone.

Caroline: Ummm, and? The guy's a murderer. Petty theft isn't much of a stretch.


Damon: I'm in your room which is a lot less weird than it sounds.


Damon: Defying all possible global scenarios, I might miss you a little bit.


Elena: I figured I'd press the Damon button and see what happens.


Damon: [wakes up in chains] Well this brings back memories.

Enzo: I'm glad you found a way back, mate. Afraid it's going to be a short reunion though. We're headed to Mystic Falls, home to bridges, quaint small town charm, and a really big vampire bug zapper.

Damon: Stefan could have told me there was a hunter in town.

Enzo: It probably slipped his mind because he's responsible for my return to incarceration.

Damon: Why would he do that?

Enzo: Probably jealous of my accent.


Alaric: You don't have to take apart the whole engine.


Damon: I came back for this?

Enzo: Consumption - wasn't the most fun the first time around either.


Jo: It's okay. I'm here.

Alaric: How?

Jo: I followed you like a crazy stalker.


Jo: This hospital sucks. I can't believe anyone actually makes it out alive.

Alaric: They usually don't.


Caroline: Am I your last stop on the Stefan Salvatore apology tour?

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Damon: [Jo]'s bossy. I like her.


Matt: You went after my friends. What did you expect?

Tripp: Your friends who KILL PEOPLE!


Enzo: Stefan has already made a very passionate argument in favor of snapping your neck whereas in a surprising role reversal, I've opted for the "let's think this through, get all the information before we kill him" method.


Kai: How do you feel?
Bonnie: Like you shot me with an arrow.


Caroline: What took you so long to answer your phone?

Enzo: My fingers were covered in blood and the touchscreen wouldn't work.


Matt: I'm not on the wrong side. My side's just really fricking complicated.


Enzo: Oh, [Tripp]'s fine. Just a little blood loss. I think he may have an iron deficiency problem.


Enzo: Hang on, just so I'm clear - all Caroline had to do to get you to treat her with a modicum of respect is to stop paying attention to you. Is that how this works?


Caroline: Did he really need three chains? I mean, who is this guy, the Hulk?

Stefan: I didn't restrain him.

Caroline: No, but you let your sidekick Enzo do it because what could go wrong when you team up with your sworn enemy?


Alaric: I guess we are both formerly supernatural beings. Should we start a support group?


Stefan: You heard that?

Caroline: Yeah, I've got super hearing. I hear everything.

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Matt:  Our lives weren't supposed to be like this.  


Probably one of my favorite quotes because it reinforces the fact that TVD is as much a horror story than it is a love story.

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Not a TVD quote but a Xander quote that could easily be from Damon to Bonnie once he rescues her "Besides if you die, I'll just bring you back. It's what I do."

Edited by slayer2

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Stefan: Hey, were you invited to Friendsgiving?

Damon: Of course. Caroline demanded I bring string beans.

Stefan: Huh.

Damon: Why? Were you NOT invited?

Stefan: Nope.

Damon: Oh, boy. You messed with the wrong girl's feelings.

Alaric: Is that the reason Caroline assigned me the turkey AND the cranberries: Stefan wasn't invited?

Damon: See what you did? Now we're pulling your weight. I really hope you figure this out before Christmas. Why don't you just date her and put us all out of our misery?

Stefan: Because I don't think about her that way. She's my friend.

Damon: Who would make a great girlfriend. Look, one, she's hot, objectively.

Alaric: Two, she puts up with you.

Damon: Big plus. Three, very very well organized.

Stefan: Organizational skills?

Damon: There are no drawbacks to this woman, Stefan.

Alaric: Ehhhh, she did sleep with you.
Damon: See? Another plus.


Alaric: Just because we don't see anything doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Damon: Not unlike Caroline's feelings for Stefan. [bear voice] Oh, no! Is Stefan feeling sensitive about ruining his friendship with Caroline? She really liked him and he broke her heart!

Alaric: See, Stefan? Even the bear knew.

Damon [bear voice]: I saw that a mile away and my brain's made of cotton!

Stefan: Give me this. [drop kicks Miss Cuddles & Kai's house appears]

Damon: Miss Cuddles 1, invisible creepy mansion 0.

Stefan: Anybody want to take a stab at how Bonnie's teddy bear undid whatever was cloaking this place?

Damon: He said without laughing.


Damon: Okay, so let's just get this straight. We went to the airport. We took off all our clothes for security just so I can come out here and have my brain scrambled by Papa Kai, who, by the way, can disappear into thin air, only to find Jo's rusty knife full of magic.

Stefan: And we learned that the ascendant, i.e. the only reason we flew our asses out here in the first place, is actually with Jo at Whitmore five minutes from where we started. Great. [thumbs up!]

Alaric: Jo said she kept it with her to ensure that Kai would never be released.

Damon: Genius. Great. Can we go home? Shotgun!

Alaric: Guys, hey, we can't do this, okay? We need to find another way, one that doesn't end with my girlfriend dead.

Damon: Girlfriend? You've been on, like, three dates.

Stefan: Nice, Damon.

Damon: What? I'm just saying he barely knows her and her literal evil twin is over there with Bonnie right now.


Liv: You kidnapped me? Romantic.


Stefan: You made me a doggie bag?

Caroline: Just because I hate you doesn't mean I want you to starve to death.


Elena: You should have brought me with you. Well, first you should have told me Bonnie was alive and then you should have brought me with you.

Damon: Well, Ric had more frequent flier miles. And Ric didn't deliberately forget our entire relationship.

Elena: Yeah, I deserve that.


Elena: So you and Bonnie spent the last four months together? What did you do?

Damon: Bickered mostly. Cooked. Ate. We went through a Tetris phase but I beat her and she got mad. We talked. A lot. There are a lot of words in the English language and Bonnie knows just about all of them.

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This season, particularly this past episode, is great for quotes. "See, Stefan? Even the bear knew" was just so perfectly deadpan in the delivery, it almost makes me forget that Alaric's played by Matt Davis.

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I agree--Silas got a lot of great lines last year, but that ended early, and no one else really picked up the slack. I truly loved Damon's Miss Cuddles "and my brain's made of cotton!" thing. I'm still laughing about it today.

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Kai's getting some pretty good ones. "You can LIVE without a spleen." and "If you torture me then I'll get angry and I won't want to help you. What kind of person needs that explained to them?" are among my favourites and definitely gave the clearest insight into the character. A TVDer not afraid of Damon torturing them and laughing in the face of said torture, gamechanger.

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I agree--Silas got a lot of great lines last year, but that ended early, and no one else really picked up the slack. I truly loved Damon's Miss Cuddles "and my brain's made of cotton!" thing. I'm still laughing about it today.


At that moment, as a straight guy, I was like "THIS is what Elena sees in Damon...okay".

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Alaric: I swear, your dad loves me. I have never been given so clear a blessing.

Jo: You went to see him and he tried to kill me. How's that a blessing?

Alaric: Because he didn't try to kill me. He just banished me from your creepy childhood home.

Jo: It wasn't creepy back then. Once your brother brutally murders your siblings, creep sets in.


Jo: Embarrassing but I actually used to sleep with [the ascendant] under my pillow.

Alaric: Used to?

Jo: Yes, used to. I am a grownup now, obviously, and I keep it in my underwear drawer next to my pot.

Alaric: Oh, okay, well, that explains why you're always hungry.

Jo: No, I'm always hungry bcause I'm a vegetarian.


Stefan: You realize [Alaric] is going to kill you when he realizes what you did to him.

Damon: My relationship to ruin, thank you. I didn't complain when you ruined yours with Caroline.

Stefan: I didn't ruin my-

Damon: Yeah, I'm sure she's fine. She's on vacation with her mom eating ice cream out of the carton convincing herself she never liked you in the first place. Careful, Stefan. I know it may seem easy to be the big bad Salvatore but soon you'll find yourself lying in the middle of the road pouring your heart out to a stranger having an existential crisis.


Elena: Two weeks without booze doesn't make you Iron Man.


Elena: I could pants you in front of the entire women's volleyball team.

Jeremy: I doubt they'd mind.

Elena: Okay, I give up. What did you do with my miserable half drunk brother?


Liv: Tyler, I can't stay locked up in here any longer. I'm out of clothes and I've had pizza for breakfast every day this week.


Liv: If I survive, you'll be dating the all powerful leader of the Gemini coven. And if I don't, you can date Luke.


Elena: What does Matt want with Stefan?

Damon: I don't know. It's Matt. Food, money, new social class.


[Damon drinks Liv's blood]

Damon: Hmmm, bitter. I wonder why.


Kai: You ever worn skinny jeans? It seems wrong, all bunched up. Also why are jeans so tight when phones are so big?

Taxi driver: I don't know what to tell you, pal.

Kai: Oh, gawd. I'm That Guy, right? That guy that won't shut up. Ugh, I hate that guy. I sat next to that guy on the plane and he was the worst. Hey, speaking of planes, have you flown recently? What's with the whole liquid situation and the stripping before you go through security thing? It's weird.

Taxi driver: They're worried about terrorists.

Kai: Okay. Well, I'm sorry but the real terrorists are some of those people taking off their shoes. I know I'm chatty. Sorry. I've just been in prison for a while. Well, not like a regular prison. More like a special kind.


Damon: Let's not jump to depressing conclusions.

Elena: Omigawd, Damon, this is blood.

Damon: And we're jumping.


Damon: If Kai has Bonnie, we need to talk.

Elena: So you're going to call him?

Damon: I'm going to page him actually. Sorry, I forgot you were 2 in 1994. Pagers are an ancient form of telecommunication.

Elena: I know what a pager is. How does it work?

Damon: We dial jackass's number, 555 Hi Kai. [rolls eyes] I know. We leave our number and then we hang up.

Elena: And now what?
Damon: And now we sit by the phone like a 13 year old girl and we wait.


Enzo: I'm rescuing this one from the world's most dreadful lunch. Matt and Stefan? Sweetheart, you can do so much better. Me, for example. I'm Enzo.

Matt: The guy who killed Tripp.

Enzo: For the record, he did try and kill me first. You are the most terrible wingman.


Damon: It's my audition tape for Real World London. Fingers crossed, I think I'm finally going to make it!


Damon: Kai, if you so much as hurt one hair on her annoying little witch head, I will kill you.

Bonnie:: That was so sweet. Why'd you have to ruin it by calling me annoying?

Elena: So Kai just left you in Portland?

Bonnie: After cooking me Thanksgiving spaghetti and stealing my blood. It's been a strange couple of days.


Elena: You hotwired a car? Who are you?
Bonnie: A badass, apparently.


Kai: One Zima, please.

Liv: Hilarious.


Jo: Where is it?

Alaric: Cryptic question, accusatory tone. This doesn't bode well for me.


Elena: Who mangled the crossword?

Damon: Six letters, illiterate witch, B.


Elena: Why would [Jo] give you the ascendant?

Damon: Um, because I asked her very nicely?


Damon: We have Nirvana, Nine Inch Nails, Boyz II Men - Stefan's.


Kai: Are you on Twitter? I just signed up. You should follow me. CobraKai1972.

Liv: [side eye]

Kai: Come on, like Karate Kid. Did you know you can follow celebrities? They all Twitter the stupidest things. It's hilarious.

Liv: You know, it's kind of dead. I think I'm going to close up.

Kai: Hang on. I'm going to get a real drink. No bourbon. I'm secure enough in my masculinity. Vodka's boring. Rum's too tropical. Ooh, tequila. You do not want to see me on tequila. What about gin? Is that weird?
Liv: Not if you're a 50 year old.


Enzo: I care about truth. I care about authenticity.

Matt: Or you just hate Stefan.

Enzo: I do, actually, yeah. He abandoned his brother, turned me over to a vampire hunter, and he hurt the one girl who can honestly do no wrong. That's not why I care. No, I care because he does all that and he's still considered a hero while I get stuck being a villain.

Matt: Yeah, cause you kill people.

Enzo: And Stefan doesn't? Come on, you and I both know that's not true. I'm just upfront about it. Stefan? He knows what he's done. He's just a liar, a little box of secrets. Come on, mush, let's open the box.


Damon: Who knew? Turns out you spend time with someone and don't kill them, you actually become friends.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Damon: Are you watching me sleep?
Elena: No, I'm watching you drool all over Ric's textbooks.


Damon: Not to give you boyfriend lessons or anything, but if you knew Jo's wackjob brother was out on the loose and after her, don't you think that keeping an eye on her would have been a smart move?

Alaric: And would you have had me do, Damon? Ask you to compel Jo to stay put?

[Damon shrugs and nods]

Elena: Guys, if Kai has Jo, we need a plan.

Damon: Plan's easy. Find Kai. Kill Kai.


Damon: Well, Beavis and Butthead are on the lookout. Anyone else brimming with confidence?

Alaric: This doesn't make any sense.

Damon: What could possibly not make sense about magical twins absorbing into each other?


Tyler: Is this Damon? Why don't I have your number saved?


Damon: Is that what you people think of me? That I just instantly resort to violence? I get why you don't want to merge with Liv, okay? Because no one wants to see that face with her hair. I get it.


Kai: Is it going to be funny if I kill [Liv] with her own magic? Wait, is that funny or sad? I get my emotions mixed up.


Damon: Can I ask why we continuously compromise logic for some girl you just met?

Alaric: You know, I don't know how I went so long without saying this but you're a real dick!


Enzo: If we've learned anything today, it's that we should kill our enemies with haste.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Oh man, all the sentences that ended with "kill him" were absolute comedy platinum.

They really were. IS delivery was pitch perfect.

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Kai: See, we never went out to eat when I was a kid so I always had this fascination with chefs and fine dining. But it's different now in the restaurant world. Everything's on timers. It's like fires go in, you push a button, ding to take them out. Literally no guesswork.

Elena: Why am I here?

Kai: Well I spent eighteen years in abandoned restaurants and now I'm showing off the fruits of my labor.


Kai: [The manager of the Grille] was all like, "You can't come in here. We're closed. And you have an unconscious girl over your shoulder." And I was like, "Don't judge me."


[stefan walks into the Salvatore kitchen to find Jeremy wearing only a towel]

Stefan: Whoa, is that the first thing I want to see in the morning?

Jeremy: Sorry, I forgot you lived here.


Jo: Sorry, are you okay?

Liv: Yeah, it's just clothes and skin.


Jo: I am sorry about that vase though. Was that expensive?

Stefan: Well, I don't know but the Smithsonian would. You should call them.


Stefan: And this regimen has to happen in my living room why?

Alaric: Damon feels guilty.

Stefan: Well that's new.


Liz: I paid extra for this room to be a single.

Damon: Well you clearly underestimated the number of women who would die to spend the night with me.

Liz: Well, I'm not dead yet.


Damon: Step one - allow [Alaric] to turn my house into Hogwarts.


Caroline: Let me get you another blanket.

Damon: So you can literally smother her?


Caroline: Damon, feel free to jump in with your support here at any time.

Damon: Well I think that would require you having my support, Caroline.

Caroline: Wait, you don't think that our blood will work?

Damon: In 170 odd years, I've never heard of an instance where our blood cured cancer. But hey, sheriff, if you want to be a guinea pig in an experimental study involving weird unpredictable magic, far be it for me to stop you.


Liv: Damon may be a vile creature but he has the best clothes.

Tyler: Should I be wondering why you're in Damon Salvatore's bedroom?

Liv: Jo scorched my shirt.

Tyler: So you're shirtless in Damon's bedroom?


Caroline: If you start the Friends box set now, I'll be back in time for Monica and Chandler's wedding. Stefan, you know how to laugh, right?

Stefan: Opinions vary.


Stefan: Duke? Maybe I'll give you a ride. I was thinking of heading that way to check on a friend.

Caroline: A friend? Stefan, I know all of your friends. Elena, me... and then that's it.


Kai: Do you mind if I try to turn your blood into acid again?


Kai: I never understood sentimental attachment to things becuse then it's so upsetting when you lose them.


Damon: [to Liv] Are you wearing my shirt?


Damon: [answering his cell phone] Magic camp. How may I help you?


Kai: I'm starting to see why Damon digs you. You are crazy pants.


Kai: Is this going to be like an episode of Ricki Lake where I come face to face with my demons and change for the better?...If Ricki taught me anything, it's that liking yourself is the most important thing, and I like me.


Liv: And to think a day almost went by when I wasn't roped into saving one of your friends.


Alaric: There's gotta be some other option.

Jeremy: There is. Right here.

Damon: [on the phone] Let me guess - Jeremy is holding a crossbow.


Luke: We're not their dancing witch monkeys.


Elena: If the spell that you're going for is to creep me out, it's working.


Damon: I can hear Kai yammering.

Jo: What's he saying?

Damon: He said, "It's a shame you don't have vamp hearing."


Enzo: I followed you in your inconspicuous red Porsche.


Damon: Where's Elena?

Kai: Oh, are we not cloaking people anymore?


Caroline: An hour ago, he was dying of brain cancer. Now look at him. Smile, Stefan! This is good news! My blood worked. He's totally fine.

Stefan: It seems too easy.

Caroline: As opposed to what? Vampire blood heals a stab wound like it was never there? It's always easy, Stefan. It is literally magic.

Stefan: Okay, then why have I never heard of our blood curing cancer before?

Caroline: Because vampires don't spend their lives pulling charity shifts at the sick ward.


Elena: Assuming that I don't get kidnapped by tomorrow, maybe we can try for that dinner again?

Damon: Ooh, you know every time we try to go on a date, you get kidnapped, I get sent to a prison world, or your feelings get compelled away.


Caroline: If Sarah is Zach's daughter, does that make you Uncle Stefan?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Yes it is, and the delivery of it is usually really good. This show doesn't get the credit it deserves these days. Granted it is not the greatest thing to ever grace our TV screens, but it is still a really good show.

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Elena: Your job is to babysit Kai, not smother him with a pillow.


Damon: I know this little Italian joint that has eggplant so good you actually think you're eating people. Maybe after that go to the art house theater where they're playing some pretentious French flick.

Elena: I don't speak French, Damon.

Damon: Not to see the movie, silly. To hide in the back and throw popcorn at hipsters.


Jo: See all that red [on the brain scan]?

Damon: Well, I'm no doctor but that guy is screwed.


Elena: Hey.

Damon: "Hey, the blood transfusions are stopping the cancer from eating her alive" or "Hey, is there a sheriff sized space available on the family crypt"?


Damon: Bad timing, Lockwood. I'm in a mood. What the hell are you doing? I'll make it easier on you. I'll give you multiple choice. A - I'm being an idiot. B - I have anger issues and I'm a puny human now and I have to pick on people while they sleep. C - A and B are both correct.


Damon: While I appreciate your efforts, [Kai]'s a psycho freak magic siphon. I'm not just going to let you walk out with him... I could kiss you right now, you beautiful moron.


Liv: Not a good time.

Damon: Sorry to hear that, Twinderella. Big pitch going south, is it?


Papa Parker: Yes?

Damon: Hello, sir. Damon Salvatore here. We had Thanksgiving together. Anyway, I've been sitting here googling celestial events happening today and I was just curious - would a Mercury Venus conjunction give you enough juice to do a little Gemini merge party?

Papa Parker: Why?

Damon: I'm going to take that evasive answer as a yes.


Damon: Rise and shine, you little weasel.

[Kai makes a magical hand movement]

Damon: Woo, trying to pop a blood vessel in my brain?


Kai: Alright, I need a 12 gauge needle stat. I don't know what I'm going to do with it, but I need it.

Elena: You're not a doctor.


Kai: I get what you two see in each other. It's very dys-FUN-ctional. See what I did there? Stressing the fun in dysfunctional?

Liz: Just get on with it, Kai. Listening to you talk makes me want to die.


Jo: I can't merge tonight. I am NOT ready.

Damon: You almost burned my house down. Don't you think I know that?


Kai: You would not believe how sick I am of eclipses.


Damon: No offense, Elena, but I think we need to find a real doctor.


Damon: Get out of here. Forget you're a total failure.


Liz: So it looks like we can cross miracle cure off the list.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Kai: Yum, cupcakes!


Kai: In case you haven't figure it out by now, I'm a sociopath.

Elena: ....

Kai: I know. Shocker. I like being a sociopath, you know. I'm not burdened by things like guilt or love. So then this merge happened with my brother Luke which was great because I absorbed his ability to do magic. But now I can't stop thinking about how Luke died, how Liv's life is ruined. For some horrible reason I can't shake how badly I feel about it.

Elena: You...feel bad?

Kai: Yeah, so when I absorbed Luke's magic, I must have gotten some of his qualities or something like empathy. So I googled how to process emotional pain and they said if you write everything down in a letter and burn it, you'll be healed. So I started writing and this water literally started pooling in my eyes. Has that ever happened to you? Like water just oozing out of my eyeballs like I'm some alien creature excreting fluids.

Elena: You mean you cried?

Kai: Yes! And after that was done, I burned the letter but the feelings, oop, still there. So I really feel strongly that Jo needs to know how sorry I am for destroying our family. But let's face it guys, Elena, you of all people should be willing to look past the questionable things I've done to see there's good somewhere in me. You did it with Damon.

Damon: Okay, I think we're done here.


Matt: So I'm guessing you didn't bring me out here to watch you perv out on some coed.


Elena: Okay, so we know that Jo stored her magic in a hunting knife. Bonnie sent hers over with Miss Cuddles. What receptacle of magic am I not thinking of?

Damon: I'm going to give you a hint - scorned lover.

Elena: Katherine?

Damon: Older.

Elena: Silas.

Damon: Hotter.

Elena: I don't know. Silas was definitely hot.

Damon: Ugh.


Kai: Oh, thank gawd. You two together is still totally revolting to me. Finally a familiar feeling! Luke didn't take me over completely.


Caroline: You know, if you're going to creepily stalk me, you could have at least brought a shovel.

Stefan: Nah, I'm not big on digging. Calluses.

Caroline: You bury corpses all the time.

Stefan: Yeah, but I don't dig them up.


Jeremy: People don't just change like that.

Damon: People usually don't murder their siblings either.

Kai: Uh, for the record, I would have been fine with any of Luke's qualities, you know. The hair, the whole gay thing, you know, maybe not the height actually.

Jeremy: You seriously buy this?

Elena: Look, I'm not saying that we have to like him, but if there's a way for us to tell Bonnie how she can get out of there-

Jeremy: We should trust the guy who changed personalities overnight.

Kai: Think of it like Elena in reverse. You know, she was human, pure, dating the good Salvatore, then she became an undead blood vacuum, stopped caring about right and wrong, started dating the bad one. 


Damon: Why don't you get your Gemini jumper cables and fix that thing?


Enzo: You truly have an epic lack of game.


Kai: So I can't send us back physically but I can probably send a part of us back.

Elena: Probably?

Kai: You remember the movie Ghost? Okay, well Bonnie's going to be Demi Moore. She's the alive one obviously, and we'll all be the collective Patrick Swayze, the ghost. By the way, how much does that suck about Patrick Swayze?


Damon: What happened to the pool table?


Damon: [on video] This place is my own personal hell.

Bonnie: Drama queen.

Bonnie: [on video] Reporting to you live from retro world, I'm Bonnie Bennett. Joining us today in the studio is special guest Damon Salvatore.


Stefan: Hey, is that an M&M?

Caroline: Where?

Stefan: Little to the left, little to the left. Right there. Oh. Ohhh. Sorry, it's just a leaf.

Caroline: Is this funny to you?

Stefan: Well, we are in the middle of the woods searching for a teddy bear buried in a shallow grave by a nine year old version of you. I can't even say that with a straight face so yeah, that is funny.


Sara: Where are you trying to go?

Matt: Virginia. Mystic Falls.

Sara: Virginia? This is a campus bus. It has like five stops.


Tyler: First I woke up on the floor. I guess a pillow would have been too much to ask for.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Principal Webber: Let's start with drug use in [Jeremy's] freshman year.

Damon: You mean the year that his parents died.

Principal Webber: Okay, so what's the excuse for the next three years of woeful attendance?

Damon: Extracurricular activities - health and fitness, that sort of thing. I mean, did you see how scrawny he used to be?

Principal Webber: No, but I do recall the four months where he faked his own death.

Damon: Funny thing about that, he actually didn't fake it. We went to this island off the coast of Canada in search of this cure for vampirism and Jeremy-

Elena: Damon!


Damon: So can we do this my way now?

Elena: We already compelled him into art school. Sorry that I just wanted my little brother to get a degree.

Damon: He will. He just won't earn it.


Jeremy: I want to take this shot before Alaric changes his mind about letting me drink.

Alaric: I swear, Jeremy, if I get a call from the drunk tank in Santa Fe-

Jeremy: You're going to make your girlfriend give me an STD test again?

Alaric: That cleared up, right?


Jeremy: Why is Enzo still alive and why is he calling you?


Enzo: I take it from your abrupt pause that you either had a small stroke or Sarah walked in. Good news either way.


Damon: Look who graduated!

Jeremy: [Principal Webber] was okay with it?

Damon: Sure. I mean, you're practically flunking, you missed a hundred days of school, and you can barely spell the word cat, but sure, he was fine with you graduating early.


Damon: Look under the cap. I jacked a little going away present from Ric's girlfriend's stash. Put it away, you idiot! If you tell your sister, I'll kill you - again.


Caroline: Why is my mom calling you? Are you going behind my back for information?

Liz: Well, hello, Stefan. What a lovely voice you have!


Liz: I'm not going to leave this job with unfinished business. I have all these open cases.

Damon: Well let me see if I can help you close a couple of them. This one was me. Me. Also me. Ooh, this one was Stefan. Oh, wait, no, me.

Liz: I always had a sneaking suspicion.


Elena: Our lives are so weird.

Jeremy: That's the understatement of the century.


Damon: You know, this would be a lot more fun if I had some-

Liz: Top right hand drawer.

[Damon pulls out a bottle of alcohol]

Damon: Well, look at that. This is why you are a terrible sheriff.

Liz: No, I'm a terrible sheriff because one of my best friends is the perp in half my open cases.


Liz: You saw Elena and Stefan pulled her out of the car.

Damon: Yeah, Stefan. Always a one upper.


Elena: How many cars do you think we've destroyed? Like more than the average family, right?

Jeremy: Mom and dad's station wagon, that's one.

Elena: The SUV on my birthday.

Jeremy: Katherine wrapped my car around a light post, that's three.


Caroline: I don't want to be held responsible for ruining [Liz's] last literary experience.


Sarah: Sure, I'll follow a guy I barely know into a shady tunnel.

Matt: Hey, would you rather take more pictures of potato skins?


Elena: Oh my god, what happened?
Jeremy: Enzo's a dick is what happened.

Elena: Are you kidding me? I'm going to kick his ass!


Jeremy: I can't leave now, no way, not with the sheriff sick and Enzo on a rampage. It's not the right time.

Elena: No kidding. The right time was a couple of years ago. Enzo could have killed you today and the other day Liv threw you across the room. And let's not forget the time that you actually died.

Alaric: She's right. Time to get the hell out of here.

Elena: You deserve a normal life, Jer. You deserve the life of a kid whose only baggage is that he lost his parents.


Damon: Nice PJ situation. You look hot.

Liz: I do not have the energy to tell me how deeply that disturbs me.


Liz: I have to admit there is a certain amount of peace knowing I'll be one of the only people in Mystic Falls to die an ordinary death. I'm exceptionally ordinary and I'm okay with that.


Damon: I volunteered to write [my mother's] eulogy and then when she actually died, I didn't even go to the funeral.

Liz: You want a second chance? Write mine. Only do me a favor, nothing dirty.

Damon: No promises.


Alaric: Airport looks packed.

Jeremy: Long ass security line too.

Alaric: I don't want you to miss your flight. I know you have orientation tomorrow.


Alaric: You're probably going to have to generate some art to actually sell this story.


Alaric: Granted being a vampire hunter doesn't lend itself to a healthy social life.

Jeremy: Turns out a social life isn't as much fun as kicking vampire ass.


Alaric: Just shut up and let me hug you.


Caroline: Mom, I want to stop.

Liz: If you stop, you'll never learn, sweetie.

Caroline: I don't want to learn!


Caroline: Don't let go! I'm not ready.

Liz: Yes, you are.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Caroline: We don't have to share.

Damon: Right.

Caroline: I just mean today is pretty much going to be the worst day of my life. I'm not sure that I need to start it off by bonding with you. No offense.

Damon: None taken.

Caroline: Great. Thanks for the water.

Damon: Hey, blondie. Today isn't the worst day of your life. Today and tomorrow, it's a cakewalk. There'll be people around you day in and day out, like they're afraid to leave you alone. The worst day? That's next week, when there's nothing but quiet.


Kai: Look, there's an issue that I've been worried about since the merge cause we didn't really do it right. You know, the whole "you're not my twin, hey that's okay, close enough" plan. But it worked which is, you know, cool. Hey, I'm even a little bit nice now in case you were been wondering.


Kai: Now I'm defective.


Stefan: Father said we're not to cry.

Damon: That's because father is incapable of human emotion.


Stefan: Listen, I need your advice and I need you not to be a dick about it because I have no one else to ask.

Damon: Well, this sounds promising.

Stefan: What did I just say?


Stefan: Something happened between Caroline and me.

Damon: Ooh, finally!


Damon: She's not the one. If she was, you wouldn't have to ask. You've been in love twice in your life, Stefan - setting aside that it was technically the same face. Does this feel like that? Not all love is true love, brother. Caroline wants the real thing and if you don't, pull the rip cord before you make things worse. Just not today. Let her have today.


Jo: Any joint pain?

Kai: Mmm hmm.

Jo: Headaches?

Kai: Nope.

Jo: Are you pregnant?


Elena: You are nice. Ish.

Damon: Not helping.


Matt: Are you drunk?

Tyler: That depends. How many days in a row can someone drink before they're just normal?


Alaric: Marry me.

Jo: What? No. No! That's a pity proposal. You can't throw a pity proposal at a pregnant ex-witch.


Caroline: I thought I could get through the rough patch and then just pick myself up after like I usually do. But then Damon made me realize it's just going to get worse.

Elena: You're listening to Damon?


Caroline: You couldn't handle the pain when your brother died so you turned it off. Damon died and you erased all your memories. Stefan moved to Savannah and became an auto mechanic. Do you think that you guys are the only ones who get to escape grief?

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Elena: Look, I know you can't feel it right now, Care, but if you kill Sarah it is going to haunt you forever. Trust me. I did it, and it sucks.

Caroline: I compelled a student to perform surgery on Stefan's niece and you found a way to make this about you? God, you truly have a gift Elena.


My favorite line of the episode. Too bad that the fact they had a humanityless Caroline say that means we the viewers are supposed to object to that.

Edited by immortalfrieza

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Kai: I can't believe Bonnie made it out. Actually, I can. She's plucky. Hey, you need help? Before you answer that, I'd rather not. I just keep experiencing these pangs of guilt watching you. Feelings are hard.

Damon: So's the end of this crowbar.

Kai: I'm just saying. Digging up mommy's grave? That's dark. Even for me. And totally unnecessary. Damon, Bonnie saw her alive in a 1903 prison world. It's on camera. You want to watch it again?

Damon: My mother died of consumption in 1858. We did not go through the trouble of moving this to the family crypt only to found out she's not even in here.

Kai: Oh, so you just called me here because you needed a friend?


Enzo: In the future, focus on my left side. It's far more attractive.


Bonnie: My not-flannel blouse, my not-flannel t-shirts, and ooh, I really missed my not-flannel v-neck.

Elena: Suck it, 1994!


Elena: What did you do to Liam?

Caroline: I ate him! And he was delicious. You know how cute guys just naturally taste better?

Bonnie: You killed Elena's ex?

Caroline: Okay, can I tell my story please? Remind me why we're glad she's back again.


Caroline: Well, this is awkward. Ugh, you got blood on my necklace! Now I'm going to have to clean it.

Liam: What are you doing to me?
Caroline: Well I was going to drain you of your blood but now I'm not really in the mood to drag your corpse to the woods. Definitely not in these heels.


Elena: So you didn't kill [Liam] because it would be inconvenient?

Caroline: Elena, I shut off my humanity. I didn't turn into an idiot.


Enzo: One, I'm very fast. [grabs memory card] Two, I'm very strong. [snaps memory card in half]

Sarah: Hey! That was like seventy bucks!

Enzo: Three, I'm very rich.


Enzo: I'm a vampire.

Sarah: And?

Enzo: Perhaps you didn't hear me. I said I'm a vampire. You know, Anne Rice, Dracula, that dreadful Twilight series.


Stefan: Do you remember being around Caroline last night?

Liam: Yeah, kinda hard to forget.

Stefan: What is that supposed to mean?
Liam: We made out. Pretty hardcore.

Stefan: Was there any biting involved?

Liam: Uhh, I guess. I mean, I like to bite the lower lip a little bit but I think it's kind of weird you're asking me these questions.


Bonnie: I can't help it. I'm hot.


Bonnie: When you came back, did you just slide right back into your old life?

Damon: You mean the one where my brother was an auto mechanic and my girlfriend forgot she loved me? Yup.


Damon: So, teensy favor. I don't know if you know this but when Kai merged with Luke he went through a metamorphosis. He went from a sociopathic caterpillar to a slightly less evil butterfly.


Caroline: Honest truth, how good are you at surgery?

Liam: I'm a premed sophomore. I'm terrible.

Caroline: Perfect! Come with me.


Enzo: Afraid [sarah] doesn't find me nearly as fascinating as I do.

Caroline: But you have an accent. Anything you say is automatically fascinating.


Bonnie: If I see your face again, I will melt it off.

Kai: I imagined that going a little differently.


Liam: I don't want to do this!

Caroline: Duh! You're probably going to get expelled and then found guilty of murder.


Caroline: Elena, Stefan unleashed himself from you months ago. He can think for himself now.


Caroline: Liam! Cut out her spleen.

Elena: Caroline!

Caroline: Relax. She can live without a spleen. You know, it's really the infection you should be worried about.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Enzo: My apologies, CInderella.


Enzo: The whole point of flipping your humanity switch is that you don't care how you leave things.


Alaric: Unless you want to invite another Salvatore vampire to our wedding.


Kai: Wait. Oh, that's weird. [The ascendant] was in my pocket!


Kai: Crocodile Dundee called and he wants his knife back.

Bonnie: He's no longer a thing and neither is that joke,

Kai: Ouch.


Elena: Kai just had the ascendant. Why do we have to find another one?

Kai: The ascendant can't travel between worlds which means we have to find its mirror image in 1903.

Damon: Page ten of the world jumping rule book.


Stefan: Neat organized Caroline, staying within the lines. Good at control, terrible at revenge.

Caroline: I dismantled your bike,

Stefan: I tore your director's head off with my teeth. Omigawd, Caroline, did you literally just unbolt this damn thing? I mean, it's going to take me, what, ten minutes to put this back together. You are an embarrassment to humanity free vampires everywhere.


Jo: Anyone named Alaric should not be allowed to name another human.

Alaric: I didn't name me!


Elena: Oh, Damon, you were so adorable!
Damon: Thanks. Except that's Stefan.


Damon: I would have stopped by sooner but I thought you were safe and sound in the family crypt. My bad.


Lily: I heard you and Stefan turned during the war. Your father must have been horrified.

Damon: He was. And then Stefan ripped his throat out.


Kai: You have really nice palms.


Alaric: Damon really spent five years in a cell with you without killing himself?


Stefan: Second rule of losing control - no saving strangers.


[Jo examines Alaric]

Jo: Oh, boy. This is bad.

Alaric: What?

Jo: I'm marrying an idiot. [punches him in the arm]


Elena: I liked seeing that side of you today.

Damon: Disappointed and disillusioned? You see that every day.

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Stefan:  She has a really pretty neck.


Lily:  Well it's nice to see that you've grown into yourself, Damon.

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Alaric: This is a bad idea.

Damon: There's no such thing as a bad idea. Just poorly executed awesome ones.


Damon: Elijah, did John tell you he's Elena's uncle/father?


Alaric: None for me thanks. Nine bottles of wine is my limit.

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