Family Ties: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

[SoMuchTV]

1 hour ago, PRgal said:

Since you have not registered your child with the school board, and your child does not attend school, the Education Act does not require you to notify any governmental body of your intent to homeschool.

However, it is courteously respectful to send in written notification of your intent to homeschool if the school board contacts you and inquires about why your child is not attending school. Please see our questions on notices of intent to homeschool below.

(not a direct quote from prgal; a quote of something she quoted)

Oh my goodness, that has to be the most Canadian thing I’ve heard in a long time. I needed a dose of politeness today!

[Ancaster]

On 2/26/2025 at 6:49 PM, AgathaC said:

 

Obviously, not enough has been done over the years. But as far as apologies and remorse, I’m not holding my breath. I’ve known this kid nine years and have never heard the word “sorry.” Ever. No remorse. No guilt. Nothing. Mr A says his mom’s family is the same way — never apologize.

 

My pathologically narcissistic ex-husband never apologized once in the 20 years we were married - not to me, not to our kids.  He never saw anything wrong in what he did.

Edited March 4 by Ancaster

[Ancaster]

On 2/25/2025 at 3:33 PM, Absolom said:

I take zinc tablets before exposure to grandchildren usually.  I take half a one a day for about a week beforehand and it has cut the illness rate by 2/3.  It's especially helpful with colds and similar viruses.

I mainline Emergen-C before and during flying and smear mentholated chapstick under my nostrils.  I haven't flown since before COVID, but it seemed to work on the long-haul (10 hour) flights I used to take.

Edited March 4 by Ancaster

[Ancaster]

On 2/28/2025 at 5:25 PM, PRgal said:

Here in Ontario, a child technically doesn't have to go to kindergarten.  The requirement is that a child has to be enrolled in school the year they turn six.  

ETA:  If you did not enroll your child in a public or private school for kindergarten and you wish to homeschool, you don't actually have to notify the local schools.  However, it's courteous to do so.  I don't understand this part

 

^^^ sounds sketchy, IMHO

I don't see what's sketchy about this.

Edited March 4 by Ancaster

[PRgal]

4 hours ago, Ancaster said:

I don't see what's sketchy about this.

Sending the note isn't sketchy in itself, but that site seemed that it could be a bit off.  But maybe it's just a bias I have on those who homeschool.  

[Mod-Tigerkatze]

Hi everyone,

just a quick note to let you know that the conversation around travel and Europe has been moved to "Chit-Chat: The Feels".

Out of consideration for community members who enjoy a politics-free space, kindly help us keep the politics-free forums politics free and head on over there to chat about politics.

Thank you, enjoy your weekend and anyone who’s in the severe weather zone, be safe!

[shapeshifter]

So, regarding my disappeared post:
The crux as it relates to this thread is:
I violated my own rule to not ever call my sister because if she doesn't initiate the call, she will take out her current anger on me. 
I called her because I had inadvertently answered a call from her to me when a doctor was trying to connect with me and I thought that's who it was, so I told my sister I couldn't talk, and she said she'd be home all day. 

That was 3 days ago, and I'm still upset, hence the rule I've made for myself. 

Sorry to have mentioned what she was currently angry about, since it (understandably) spiraled into a tangent of posts.
If she hadn't been angry about that, it would have been something else. This has been going on for decades.
I got uninvited to her wedding in the 70s because I called her after I got out of the hospital, lost my job, and got robbed. I don't think I ever even got a chance to mention any of it.

So, note to self: 
Do not forget: 
Do not call sister. 
Let her call you.

I think I tried texting first, but that didn't work, because then she calls in a bad mood.

Edited March 16 by shapeshifter

[StatisticalOutlier]

10 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

I violated my own rule to not ever call my sister because if she doesn't initiate the call, she will take out her current anger on me. 
I called her because I had inadvertently answered a call from her to me

I don't understand.  Your sister did initiate the call.  You couldn't talk at that moment, but does your rule mean you can't return a call? 

[shapeshifter]

6 minutes ago, StatisticalOutlier said:

I don't understand.  Your sister did initiate the call.  You couldn't talk at that moment, but does your rule mean you can't return a call? 

Yes.

[StatisticalOutlier]

So the only time you'll talk to her is if your phone rings because she's calling you and you answer it?  If you don't answer the call, whether because you didn't want to talk to her or you didn't hear it ring or you were on another call, and she leaves a voicemail asking you to call back, you won't do it, even seconds later, because her required call initiation ended when her call went to your voicemail?

[shapeshifter]

8 hours ago, StatisticalOutlier said:

So the only time you'll talk to her is if your phone rings because she's calling you and you answer it?  If you don't answer the call, whether because you didn't want to talk to her or you didn't hear it ring or you were on another call, and she leaves a voicemail asking you to call back, you won't do it, even seconds later, because her required call initiation ended when her call went to your voicemail?

She can't leave voicemail because we use FB or other video/audio calling because she’s in Canada and I’m in America, so a regular phone call is about $2/minute.
But this is a good point. 
See my ETA below about texting before calling.

A while back (at least a year ago) I told her she should call me, because it seems I always call at a bad time, and she’s been okay with that.

When I called her back this time, she said she was about to do her yoga, but said it was okay if we talked first. But clearly it wasn’t — hence me reminding myself to follow My Rule.

ETA:
I might try texting her to ask if it's a good time before calling. 
I thought I had done this previously, but maybe not? 
My old work friends and I always first text something like "Is this a good time to chat?" before calling.
In the middle of her hurtful rant the other day, I did actually suggest that we text before calling, and she seemed totally unfamiliar with the practice.
She regularly tells me she's not ever talking to a friend again for whatever reason, so maybe she doesn't have anyone to text? 
She and her husband cut off communication with his only sister decades ago over an inheritance dispute.
I know her daughter texts her, but I don't think she initiates texts.

Edited March 16 by shapeshifter

[AgathaC]

So, the latest drama with Stepson14:

We discovered that while we thought he’d gotten better about taking and hiding candy, no, he just got better at hiding it. Lots and lots of wrappers — also an empty tub of ice cream. (He’d had some after dinner a couple of times and we just assumed he’d finished it then.) He ate it upstairs, then put the mostly empty tub in the attic (access is in his room) where remnants oozed out onto a box — thankfully damaging nothing. Mr A was livid and there was a lot of cleaning, phone confiscated, etc.

Then, SS flunked math third quarter and had poor grades in some other classes. He denied that he didn’t understand. He just didn’t want to do the work. His grade has a mandatory study hall to work on homework and projects and he has his math teacher for it, so it’s not like there’s much excuse. Mr A, upon realizing the state of things, reached out to multiple teachers to see if there were missing assignments. Yes. In all his classes. So, Mr A made him sit at the kitchen table to go through each item on the list. It helped a little — but he still turned some in blank without us realizing it (the app is not helpful).

This all prompted a call to Mr A’s Ex, where he learned:

1) She goes to bed at 8:00. No clue what he does or what time he goes to bed after that.

2) She told Mr A she was confiscating his electronics due to grades. Nope. She just set the WiFi to shut off at a certain time and let him keep his phone. Which has a WiFi hotspot. So, he can game or chat all night if he wants. She didn’t think about that.

3) He’s missed a few more days of school and Mr A had no idea. Why did he stay home? His arm hurt.

This is a kid with a long history of faking or exaggerating ailments to get out of things.

Mr A: So, his arm was hurting badly enough to keep him home three different times? One, I doubt it was that bad. Two, if it was that bad, did you take him to the doctor? Did you try anti-inflammatories, heating pad, or ice?

Of course she didn’t.

She also continued to take him with her to the gym and let him go bowling a couple of times a week.

Because for a kid looking summer school in the face, what he needs is to miss more school. SMH

It’s all ridiculous at this point. He continues to act like he hates our guts because Mr A refuses to let him get away with stuff and stays on top of grades. He tries talking to him and encouraging communication, wanting to help if there’s a problem. But it really just appears the problem is he’s spoiled, entitled and lazy. Even when he’s caught in something, he just shrugs and then gets angry when there are consequences. He’s a perpetual innocent victim.

And then I end up feeling like a horrible person for legitimately disliking a kid…

[shapeshifter]

37 minutes ago, AgathaC said:

So, the latest drama with Stepson14:
…And then I end up feeling like a horrible person for legitimately disliking a kid…

Did you say upthread you have a personal therapist? Even though family therapy seems like a really good idea, it sounds like your powerlessness in the situation is making you (understandably) resentful. Not only is that unhealthy, life’s too short to spend so much time feeling that way.

Unfortunately I too spend way too much mental time on resentment.

[AgathaC]

4 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

Did you say upthread you have a personal therapist? Even though family therapy seems like a really good idea, it sounds like your powerlessness in the situation is making you (understandably) resentful. Not only is that unhealthy, life’s too short to spend so much time feeling that way.

Unfortunately I too spend way too much mental time on resentment.

I do have a therapist, yes. I don’t spend much time on it, thank goodness, but do occasionally need to vent! There probably is some resentment— mainly for the added grief and stress on Mr A.

Dislike is probably too strong a word. I care what happens to him and think he still has a lot of potential. So, yes, it’s difficult to be in a position where I have almost no control, but the outcomes could impact my life. But, like you say, that’s what therapy is for!

[isalicat]

1 hour ago, AgathaC said:

Dislike is probably too strong a word. I care what happens to him and think he still has a lot of potential.

The trajectory of this story is really dire. I hope you know that although everyone in this forum is "rooting" for you, what is going on with your step-son, at his age, is not being solved by the tactics your husband has thus employed. Without the stepmother's full cooperation and immediate steps toward family therapy for both parents plus son and intensive psychotherapy for the step-son, I can't imagine that doing the same thing over and over is going to have better consequences. Good luck!

[AgathaC]

2 hours ago, isalicat said:

The trajectory of this story is really dire. I hope you know that although everyone in this forum is "rooting" for you, what is going on with your step-son, at his age, is not being solved by the tactics your husband has thus employed. Without the stepmother's full cooperation and immediate steps toward family therapy for both parents plus son and intensive psychotherapy for the step-son, I can't imagine that doing the same thing over and over is going to have better consequences. Good luck!

I agree. I feel like I’m watching a slo-mo train wreck. Mr A has started escalating consequences for things and pushing back harder against Ex, but I fear it’s all too late. I seriously doubt therapy will happen, but I can keep suggesting it. I doubt Ex will ever really change and start parenting. Permissiveness and spoiling him and avoiding upsetting him or being hard on him have been her go-tos for 14 years.

[supposebly]

Not that I have any experience raising children but this story with the stepson reminds me of the situation with my ex, his ex and their son. She was overall not capable of setting boundaries and felt children are capable of taking care of themselves (don't get me started) and just really didn't know or seemed to care what to do (a lot came from her own upbringing, I think). I'm also judging from what I hear from my ex, which, if course is also just one side of the story.

So, eventually, they decided the son would live with my ex instead. After a bit of arguing, she actually agreed and things eventually got better after my ex was able to take over, set some boundaries and introduced consequences when son wouldn't do his homework, come home late, skip school, etc. They seem to have a good relationship now and went on vacations together.

I don't know if this is going to be an option but it feels like that might even be something the mother wouldn't hate too much since she seems in way over her head.

Keep in mind, I'm probably projecting and applying their situation to yours but, to make this short: would it be possible to have the son move in with you? 

[AgathaC]

@supposebly, that may be the only way to save the situation. (I keep hoping he’ll grow out of things, but I also realize a lot of his behavior isn’t new and can’t be blamed on a phase). For now, I don’t think it will happen. Ex and her parents are definitely not at a place where they will voluntarily admit there could be serious problems. And as she and her father are both well-connected, well-to-do attorneys, yeah, they could and would fight any legal action.

The only way I see her agreeing is if he becomes too much for her to handle. In which case I won’t want to be in a house with him.

Her parents are part of the problem (they’re worse than she is) and they think everything he does is perfect and wonderful and hilarious. She’s also somewhat cowed by them and it would take a LOT for her to tell them she’s giving up custody.

I don’t think it will get that bad. But who knows.

[Dimity]

Speaking of mothers who can see no fault in their sons - my nephew has just been given his marching orders by his partner because she's not prepared to keep supporting him as he drifts in and out of employment and has fallen off the wagon.  Again.  According to my sister this is a terrible thing for her to do.  How dare she. 

She's mad at me now too because I said he's lucky she put up with him as long as she did. 

[shapeshifter]

22 minutes ago, Dimity said:

Speaking of mothers who can see no fault in their sons - my nephew has just been given his marching orders by his partner because she's not prepared to keep supporting him as he drifts in and out of employment and has fallen off the wagon.  Again.  According to my sister this is a terrible thing for her to do.  How dare she. 

She's mad at me now too because I said he's lucky she put up with him as long as she did. 

Hopefully, someday your sister will thank her son's ex because he got his act together after she gave him the boot. 

[AgathaC]

19 hours ago, Dimity said:

Speaking of mothers who can see no fault in their sons - my nephew has just been given his marching orders by his partner because she's not prepared to keep supporting him as he drifts in and out of employment and has fallen off the wagon.  Again.  According to my sister this is a terrible thing for her to do.  How dare she. 

She's mad at me now too because I said he's lucky she put up with him as long as she did. 

I never have understood or been able to tolerate that kind of attitude. Granted, my kids have four legs and fur, so who knows how I would be with a human child that was fully mine. But I look at my parents. They were/are loving, supportive, our big cheerleaders. But, if we screwed up they let us know and let us suffer the consequences. Their attitude was more “oh, good. The universe is teaching her a lesson. We love you, sweetie, and we hate it for you, but this is what happens when you do XYZ.” I see the same parenting in my sisters who have kids and my nephew and nieces are all (so far) great people.

I recall a quote I saw once that said something to the effect of: You don’t raise children. The goal is to raise an adult. And the hope is they turn into decent, functioning members of society that you and others want to be around. Seems like I meet and hear about too many people who aren’t playing the long game the way they should.

[Ancaster]

On 3/20/2025 at 5:32 PM, AgathaC said:

I agree. I feel like I’m watching a slo-mo train wreck. Mr A has started escalating consequences for things and pushing back harder against Ex, but I fear it’s all too late. I seriously doubt therapy will happen, but I can keep suggesting it. I doubt Ex will ever really change and start parenting. Permissiveness and spoiling him and avoiding upsetting him or being hard on him have been her go-tos for 14 years.

I don't know if this will offer any comfort, but your step son sounds a lot like the son of some of our closest friends, who did turn around.  His behavior became so intolerable to me that we stopped socializing with them as families (which we used to do frequently), just as couples.  He was completely overindulged by his mother and his grandparents, and his father just threw up his hands.  It was so bad that he refused to go to bed unless his mother lay down with him and rubbed his back until he was in his teens!!!  He was thrown out of one school because of behavioral issues (which I was happy about because my kids went to the same school).  Anyway, what eventually turned him around was when he left home at 18, he went into the military (his choice) and was forced to follow orders and learn discipline.  He then went into business with a friend that is quite successful and that he enjoys.  I'm not suggesting the military should or could be the solution for your step son, just saying it is possible for kids to learn how to be less selfish and more socially acceptable.

Edited Friday at 10:08 PM by Ancaster

[shapeshifter]

5 hours ago, Ancaster said:

…He was thrown out of one school because of behavioral issues…

This reminds me too that it is better if kids struggle in high school than flunking out or dropping out of college.

[Anela]

I’ve just discovered a vacation place in England, called Sandy Balls, after one of my cousins was tagged in pictures.  The post isn’t public, so they can’t be doxxed by my mentioning it.  Sandy Balls.  

There are two new generations of my family, and I’ve never met them. My other cousin’s son is now in his thirties, and he has two babies of his own. 

[Ancaster]

20 hours ago, Anela said:

I’ve just discovered a vacation place in England, called Sandy Balls, after one of my cousins was tagged in pictures.  The post isn’t public, so they can’t be doxxed by my mentioning it.  Sandy Balls.  

 

And it's not even by the ocean . . . .

(It was actually originally Sandyballas, and dates back to Henry VII, 1457-1509.)

British place names are a wondrous thing.  Fattiehead, Upperthong, Knockerdown, anyone?

Edited Sunday at 08:57 PM by Ancaster

[PRgal]

3 hours ago, Ancaster said:

And it's not even by the ocean . . . .

(It was actually originally Sandyballas, and dates back to Henry VII, 1457-1509.)

British place names are a wondrous thing.  Fattiehead, Upperthong, Knockerdown, anyone?

Is it pronounced Sandsbawllas?  If I recall correctly, the Bermuda parish, Sandys is pronounced Sands - the y is silent.  

[Ancaster]

3 hours ago, PRgal said:

Is it pronounced Sandsbawllas?  If I recall correctly, the Bermuda parish, Sandys is pronounced Sands - the y is silent.  

I'm sorry but I don't have the faintest idea!  Regarding my original answer, I saw the first post and did a little "research" (ie Googling) since I love the wackiness of lots of British names.  It may well be pronounced like that though - after all Leicester is pronounced "Lester", Glasgow is "Glasgo", Cholmondeley is "Chumley" - I could go on!

I was born in England and now live in The States.  When I got married I took on my husband's name for a few reasons that aren't relevant here.  Now and again in causal conversation it seems one's "maiden" name (I'm sure that's politically incorrect these day) comes up, and I always tell newcomers/strangers that it's okay to laugh before I tell them mine.  They always promise they won't  laugh and always do.  It's the name of a village, whose name was first recorded in the 1086 Domesday Book.

And really,  I am happy for them to giggle because there are lots of funny sounding names here, and if we can't laugh about them, who will?  God knows, we need some levity in our lives these days.

Edited Yest. at 04:14 AM by Ancaster