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ElectricBoogaloo

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ElectricBoogaloo

ElectricBoogaloo

(edited)

Garbage boss: The Allen house - no one ever comes in, no one ever comes out.

Jessica: Well, that makes sense if no one ever goes in.

Ashley: We've had the Allen house on the market for years and no one's been able to sell it. It has a rodent problem.

Jessica: It's pet friendly.

Ashley: The roof has a hole.

Jessica: Skylight!

Ashley: There was a brutal murder there.

Jessica: So statistically, another murder is unlikely.

 

Jessica: What time is it?

Emery: A quarter to H.

 

Evan (1992): Yay, I'm 3!

Evan (1993): I'm second 3!

 

Emery: 4s aren't that bad. There are four ninja turtles.

Jessica: You mean those karate frogs who eat pizza in the sewer?

 

Louis: I was thinking about getting a mechanical bull to steer in the crowds...Did you get it?

Jessica: Yes, it's hilarious. I don't have to laugh to think it's funny.

 

Eddie: Who wants the latest Tupac? Dubbed straight from the radio. Five bucks makes it happen.

Kid: I'll give you three.

Eddie: Yo, is this a farmers' market? Am I selling squash? Get out of here, hagglepuss!

 

Counselor: Think about it, Eddie. Look into your third eye.

Eddie: My...butthole?

 

Girl: This hoo-wang can make it right?

Eddie: It's pronounced HWONG and it's a play on "wrong."

 

Scotty Pippen: Who wants a free pair of Airs?

Kid: Air Jordans?

Scotty Pippen: No, man. I got something even better. Air Pippens.

 

Jessica: Ashley Alexander bought me a bottle of champagne to celebrate. I took it back to the liquor store and bought nine Snickers bars and a Crystal Pepsi.

 

[Louis sets down a blooming onion]

Eddie: Do you think it would be gross to dip this in clam chowder? I'm gonna find out.

 

Louis: Evan, see how long you can cover your ears.

Evan: Okay!

 

Louis: Sometimes a little white lie is okay if it's for a greater good. For example, your mom has those jeans with a zipper that's six inches long. Do I tell her it looks like her body's half crotch? No, I say, "Beautiful blue jeans, honey."

 

Jessica: You're lucky you only broke your left arm. You can still do your homework.

 

Dave: So we all ate chocolate dreidls while Phillip cleared up his stance on Santa. He's for him.

 

Eddie: I'm the Abe Lincoln of Abe Lincoln Middle School!

 

Social worker: I'm here to investigate possible parental neglect in the home.

Jessica: Oh, you want that kid down the street, Dave. He always has a Kool Aid moustache. Nobody's wiping his face.

 

Eddie: I thought this job was going to be all about naps and Shaq. Maybe he's playfully put me on his shoulders and let me stick both of my feet into one of his shoes.

 

Scotty Pippen: So your company's set up in Delaware but you live in Florida. The tax man can't touch you.

Louis: That's great. You know, I'm always looking for a loophole. BREAKAWAY! I did it! I scored on Scotty Pippen!

Scotty Pippen: I was giving you tax advice, bro.

[Eddie tries putting both of his feet into one of Scotty's shoes]

Eddie: It's not Shaq's shoe, but I guess it'll do.

Scotty Pippen: Y'all are a rude ass family.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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ElectricBoogaloo

ElectricBoogaloo

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Principal Thomas: We rely on parents to supervise our after school program.

Jessica: I'm sorry we're busy with our own after school programs. They're called jobs.

 

Jessica: You're not going to become actors. You think they're going to put two Chinese boys on tv? Maybe if there's a nerdy friend or a magical thing where someone wanders into Chinatown.

 

Emery: Just as I thought. This bumdrop hasn't worked in months.

Evan: That's not a bumdrop. That's gumdrop, a classmate from my youth.

Gumdrop: I never should have become an actor. It was a complete waste of time.

Principal Thomas: What happened to Yumland? Why aren't the other children on stage?

Jessica: I cut them. If they want to be actors so bad, they should get used to being unemployed.

Principal Thomas: Jessica, the school play is supposed to be fun. Don't you do anything just for fun?
Jessica: Yes, i teach my children valuable life lessons so they can become successful.

 

Jessica: I would have named her Sugar Apple Bomb and built her a stable out of tissue boxes.

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ElectricBoogaloo

ElectricBoogaloo

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Eddie: Dave, I may need to borrow your Bjork CD.

Dave: How do you know I have that?

Eddie: Your taste in music sucks.

 

Trent: We all traded for the Caribbean islands. It's an easy A. It's just sand, sun, and reggae, mon.

Eddie: Walter, can you believe what he's saying about your people?

Walter: My people are from Colorado.

Eddie: The islands are more than just beaches. They're part of black history.

Trent. I know. I listened to Buffalo Soldier.

 

Eddie: If you trade me Jamaica, I'll hook you up with Topanga's phone number.

Brian: Please. There's no way you have her number.

Eddie: Then how would I know the first number is 4?

[cut to]

Grandma Huang: This is Topanga. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

 

Honey: Ooh, how are the crunch bites?

Louis: Neither crunchy nor bite sized. The name is quite misleading. They're wet and huge.

 

Emery: Mom, I requested a pop quiz and I got an A on it!

 

Louis: My feet are crazy wide. They're like suction cups in those boots.

 

Eddie: Why are you dressed like Chun Li from Street Fighter?

 

Jessica: I want Eddie to be assigned China for world cultures day.

Principal Hunter: Well, we purposely didn't give China to Eddie because we thought it would be racist.

Jessica: So you treated him differently because he's Chinese?

 

Jessica: Eat your feet!

 

Jessica: We need to reconnect with our culture, not surround ourselves with white people doing white things.

Louis: You know what's a white thing? Hanging up a Buddha picture.

 

Principal Hunter: What is this?

Eddie: A bowl, soy sauce, and a xerox of Ling Ling the panda. China.

 

Emery: I caliigraphied the Chinese symbol for refrigerator. It's both art and a label.

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fishcakes

fishcakes

Louis [putting bib around customer's neck]: I got this idea from watching a baby.

 

Jessica: Mac and cheese -- it's so easy to make. You just add water. It's cheese from water.

 

Jessica: They have me, Louis. I'm just a chipwich-eating American couch lady.

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humdrum

humdrum

Mitch: Hey Boss, do we get vacation days?

Louis: Your job is a vacation--from poverty!

[Jessica and Louis high five]

 

Jessica: I don't know how to relax!  It seems like a waste of time; I could be marinating meat or driving. 

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fantasmik

fantasmik

Eddie: Mom, I'm begging you...I need new school gear. It starts in a week and I have nothing!
Jessica: I already bought you new t-shirts for school, the kind you like - with black men on them.
[Eddie pulls out t-shirts from bag, one with LeVar Burton on it]

Eddie: These guys aren't rappers!
Jessica: They were the gangsters of the sales bin.

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paulvdb

paulvdb

Jessica: "I don't think that's cute. I think it's freaky. It's like a curse. It's like this poor baby angered some witch who cursed her to be trapped in a cabbage body and now she needs an emperor's kiss to release her from the curse but the emperors are gone, replaced by democracy. So this poor cabbage baby is left alone in the fields to be pecked at by crows and then a photographer comes along and he takes a photograph of her and he sells it for lots of money but he leaves her alone to a life of misery for who could ever love a cabbage-faced baby?"

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ElectricBoogaloo

ElectricBoogaloo

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Emery: What's more romantic than meeting the love of your life and living happily ever after?

Louis: We met at a seafood restaurant waiting in line for the bathroom.

Emery: I bet it was love at first sight.

Jessica: We both had food poisoning. That was the last time I ever ordered an octopus po boy.

Louis: I lost two pounds but gained a wife.

 

Marvin: Let's play dare or dare.

Evan: Don't you mean truth or dare?

Marvin: Truth is for moms.

 

Trent: This must be Jimmy's fault. Terry wouldn't do this.

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ElectricBoogaloo

ElectricBoogaloo

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Allison: They don't call him Old Clean Bastard.

 

Dave: You put Sisters with Voices on there?

Eddie: It's a good ass song.

 

Nicole: I got all the lamest CDs from my dad's collection - Alvin and the Chipmunks, Alvin's solo album, the soundtrack for the movie Arthur. Weird choices for a mix tape.

 

Eddie: So how's what's his name?

Nicole: Hot Chris? He's hot.

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ElectricBoogaloo

ElectricBoogaloo

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(edited)

Hector: Have I ever let you down?

Louis: Did you bring any hard candy like I asked?

Hector: No.

Louis: There you go.

 

Hector's friend: You think you can handle our product?

Louis: I got more handles than a yogurt shop.

 

Hector's friend: It's gonna cost you.

Louis: Then I guess it's a good thing I own a semi-successful restaurant. How much?

Hector's friend: One dollar and seventy five cents. EACH.

 

Jessica: The orderly flow of traffic. This is called zippering. One car from one lane and one car from another lane merge to form one single lane of efficiency. It's amazing what society can learn from a pair of pants.

Grandma: I'm a button gal. The button pushes through.

 

Marvin: Down here we have a name for Yankee chili - it's called soup.

 

Jessica: So I point to the old man's shopping cart and I say, "You're supposed to get frozen food last, not first. If that meat defrosts, you could get salmonella and die."

Honey: You do have an eye for other people's mistakes.

Jessica: Thank you.

 

Honey: I have to go help [Marvin] clean out our garage fridge for a pig. He insists on the head facing out, said it honors the hog.

 

Jessica: Sometimes when one adult is right they have to tell the other adult that they're wrong.

 

Louis: You know why your mom's not allowed in the [chili] dome? Because she futzes. She adds things. "Oh, how about a little more oregano? Let's add a sprig of rosemary!" NO! This isn't a bowl of jazz.

 

Trent: He's letting you chili apprentice?

Eddie: All we do is cook chili and not eat any of it.Y

Trent: You're the apprentice. You're supposed to shut up, listen, and learn.

Eddie: But I'm not good at any of those things!

Trent: You need to take that attitude to a pie eating contest where it belongs!

 

Jessica: You're not doing it right. The mustard needs to go on the sandwich first to form a moisture barrier between it and the tomato.

 

Louis: Like the French candle says in Beauty and the Beast, be my guest.

 

Jessica: You will all drink what Evan decides and you will like it! Okay, go ahead, Evan. Anything you want.

Evan: I choose Shirley Temples.

Emery: What is that?

Evan: It's Seven-Up, grenadine, and cherries.

Jessica: I don't have any of those ingredients.

Evan: Then we'll just have passionfruit nectar. Strawberry Fanta? Ginger fizzbits?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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ElectricBoogaloo

ElectricBoogaloo

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Evan: Mommy asked me to get green onions at the store but I grabbed the leeks instead. It's like the cilantro/parsley incident all over again.

Louis: I don't know what cologne I'm smelling but it's like a man taming a horse with a whip made of clothes.

Eddie: Spot me eighty bucks real quick?
Emery: I've got three dollars and eighty nine cents. And a soft Starburst.
Eddie: What color?
Emery: Yellow.

Jessica: I'm just so proud of Louis, Connie.
Jessica subtext: Steve will never win anything for selling ottomans.
Connie: Well, he certainly deserves it.
Connie subtext: His restaurant food is mediocre at best.
Jessica: He sure does.
Jessica subtext: I married better than you.

Jessica: What is that?
Louis: A Venezuelan bowl of wooden fruit. I thought you'd like it because unlike flowers, wood doesn't die. Plus the wood has the necessary heft to double as a weapon which I know is important to you.

Louis: The neutral face of displeasure.

Marvin: Blow her a tune on the tin sandwich?
Louis: No good. Harmonicas remind her of hobos.

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Mellowyellow

Mellowyellow

(edited)

I'm watching the entire series again from scratch. So I'm going to add to this thread.

Jessica: Same with the boys, first they have baby chickens in their lap, next thing you know they are homeless

Eddie Voiceover: My family loved each other we just never said it, we showed our love through criticism and micromanagement

Jessica hurls onion at boy who dined and dashed, knocking him over: Emery go get that onion I'm going to cook dinner with it tonight.

Grandma watching NASCAR videos with Louis: At those speeds it wouldn't take much tampering to get revenge on your enemies

Honey: You know who's going to love this? Nicole! That's Marvin's daughter. She's she's my stepdaughter

Jessica: Thats nice she's not even your real daughter and you love her.

Louis: Swing a cat, hit a white woman, be friends with her. 

Honey joins Jessica and starts singing. Jessica: This is not a duet!

Edited by Mellowyellow
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