Toaster Strudel

What moron challenges JJ to prove he's a moron? Only a card-carrying, board-certified, pedigreed moron.

The Second Chance Theater skit with "Jenjamin Franklin" was the most painful bit of television I've seen in a decade. WOW. This was cut out of SNL for Reasons. It should have remained buried deep and never seen the light of day. So much buildup, including an excruciatingly boring interview with Will Forte touting this skit as "silly genius". Sorry, no. It was just plain torture.

No shit! This happened two years ago? What did the little brat get, a black eye? Put a steak on it!

I don't know what happened there, I was in part distracted by wanting to punch the plaintiff's smug smile off her face. Maybe JJ knew they slept at the same hotel last night, hence her conclusion that they wanted their vet bill paid for.

Tamron did ask the hard questions. Glad they got to go to NYC. I guess Robyn isn't preggos after all. I don't know what city they live in, but they'd make me feel unwelcome if I moved there because I'm not AUB? It's unbelievable that they are made to feel unwelcome. How does that manifest itself? I'm curious. Paulie looked especially guarded and sneaky. Robyn looks fragile, like she's about to collapse into a pile of salt. Rosemary looks hurt and beat. Nonie has claws and crazy going for her. I'm not sure if Rhonda would be so cool without a full time job away from the plyg circus. Nice to know that Sister Wives is going to be a whole season of joory informercials. Thanks for the warning preview!

Charlize Theron is too beautiful and elegant to be funny. Even in a fat suit, or looking stupid with Heshy, as a bland unrequited lesbian, or covered in fake whale innards, she's just too classically beautiful. It's a curse! I probably could do comedy, myself... I can't stand Cecily's voice in girlfriends, she has me running for the hills. Drunk uncle! I love you drunk uncle! Kids these days, how do you say fish without eyes? Fsh! I'm still shaken from the aftermath of the epileptic seizures that Barbra Walter's crazy stretched out eyes gave me. Even her eyebrows were trying to run away from the crazy eyes, but what with the botox, they were paralyzed mere millimeters from reaching her hairline, but never quite getting there. Torture.

Translated: "you be a pooh-see"

Basically basically basically: Basically, basically basically basically. Basically: "basically! basically!". Basically... basically basically $basically.00. basically@basically.com, basically! Basically? Basically!!!! Basically... this guy never watched the show ever. Unless it was his mastermind plan to basically lose his case. Buzzed Bus Rape Drop: Leaving a drunk, possibly underage woman on the side of the street at 2:30 AM? WTF was the wench that organized this well-watered event for her underage alcoholic-in-training son thinking? Oh yeah, she was drunk herself and having a drunken bar brawl on the bus! Thank you JJ for not letting this idiot off the hook without a good dressing down. Jessie Lame Horse: I don't get why people want horses. If you want a pet to ride, get a bicycle with a basket and put Toto in it.

JJ really had it in for the blond woman that worked the system with her serial baby daddies by locking out the boyfriend, who smashed the door, and claimed abuse while the guy hadn't touched her. Rightly so, too. JJ was so incensed, she actually continued to rave at the weirdly smiling blonde on her own way out!

That fenced looked worse than my 25 year old fence! All Jimmie needed is one nail and a hammer! Get out of my courtroom, fool. The defendant was glaring from below, his eyes mere slits, like they were about to light up like in Terminator.

Today's Psycho Supermodel Girlfriend sure was a basket case, that dweeb that was out of her league and lacked a psychodar got his 3 yr restraining order after she beat him up, then switched to Victoria's Secret seduction mode, only to beat him up again when the scheme didn't pan out. Tijuana Catfish Revenge was so obvious, of course the defendants got a "girl" to respond to his Facebook car ad, and they showed up to rough the plaintiff up instead. That should have been settled in 5 minutes, tops. The dog case was boring because the defendant pled the fifth (snooze!). She paid $500 of the $750 that she agreed to pay, and the plaintiff was out of line asking for way more than the difference because Interest! A mouthy "witness" kicked out, such a treat. Thanks JJ. JJ always wins.

Of course the kids won't admit to seeing their dad too rarely, they might jeopardize the 3 minutes a week Brady lays eyes on them. On the other hand, those 3 minutes are with Brady, which is better than with a cretin like Kodouche.

I skipped a lot of this... it was pretty bland and boring and I didn't trust the editing monkeys. Everyone was really nice and adorable.

One case this week had some guy getting 25 years for shooting through a window... and killing the person inside. In the police interview, he spilled the beans quite readily about the shooting, he had no idea the guy was dead. All of this over a $20 hooker who I guess failed to deliver and he wanted his money back? He was really devastated. Twenty five years is a lot... he must have had a long record or been on parole. Or maybe he was black *sigh*

My house was bulgarized. I heard that this week.

Cold Open: That was funny... because these were all truths. Taboo, perhaps, but true. Keenan's bit acting uncomfortable taking 10 million and giving the guy another lifetime award: "Come on. Look. Guys. Ten million" - was hilarious. Lots of funny crammed into this skit. Monologue: Bo. Ring. Andrew Garfield isn't exactly a funny guy, the equally boring interruptions didn't help. Stanx: I sure didn't see that ending coming, LOL. Looking 8 inches taller if siting and farting had me in stitches. Family Feud: Lots of short impersonations, and I wasn't sure if Garfield knows the difference between Justin Timberlake and Justin Bieber. He was terrible. Yangri Birs! Kate was hilarious. Oliver Twist: Not at all funny. Cicely is annoying. Please Lorne, don't let her be the next decade's Kirsten Wiig. The Beygency: Taran has great serious face. The horror movie editing was genius. As was the Kiefer Sutherland cameo, and being forced to dance Beyoncé-style.. WU: I love Kate's character but she didn't have enough "bring me death" jokes to make it work as well as previous appearances. She looked a little too light-hearted. The dead-serious version is funnier. Leslie Jones (who?) was delightful, please bring her back anytime. Best of the show: Jebediah Atkinson, crankier than ever. Nice come back when he said "Tommy" instead of "Tony" - he didn't break, what professionalism. Berating the audience for their reaction when he wished Cats had feline AIDS... and on account of this reaction, warning them about the brilliant Lincoln joke: "it didn't do well in the orchestra, but it killed on the balcony" followed by more audience berating: "so what, the Union is still intact!" I looove Jebediah. Spider-Man: This was dumb but I'll forgive them because of Chris Martin volunteering to be a stunt double, and pushing Emma Stone off the bridge to take her spot and dipping the host. Now that was romantic. Wedding Proposal: I'm glad they kept it short but it was very funny. The kids at the table... oh boy. Bird Bible: I'd seen that before.

When I saw this guy, my jaw dropped. Boy, was that guy ugly! Immediately my mind begins to race, and I'm imagining that the plaintiff will sue this rich heir for bags of diamonds. No! He literally had a paper route. What did the plaintiff see in him? I thought perhaps he might be an attentive lover, but with that face, even that attribute probably wouldn't do him any favors.

I'll co-sign for you ONLY if you can prove you don't have a driver's license.

Barara Borsodi looked more fat than pregnant because she was spreading sideways more than forward.

Smirking Living Sponge - Alethea Lamb, you may be good-looking, and you might have a delightful accent, but you ought to be ashamed of yourself for falling for this shameless, "hard on his luck" Lothario. The second I saw him scrunching his eyebrows to produce a dark, seductive gaze to JJ, I wanted to inject a gallon of Botox in his face so he can't move a facial muscle for the rest of his life. I also wanted to punch him. The lesson here, according to the Living Sponge: "matters of the heart very sensitive"! Shut up fool, this is a hallterview, not a recitation of a Hallmark valentine day card. 2014 Hippie Commune - I loved Imogen's giant granny glasses. I also loved the concept of a driving lesson slash date. And the deer-in-headlight two-tone hair plaintiff that had to have Byrd walk all the way over to the podium to explain to her slowly that she needs to put one foot in front of the other all the way to her car to fetch the registration. I don't know why she was suing the guy, you don't need a law degree to figure out that Imogen is responsible, and she'd already paid $700 "out of the goodness of her heart." Characters. Homeless Preggo Cougar - That was precious, I'm so happy JJ tossed Barbara Borsodi out of court without a penny. She spends two years homeless waiting for a contested inheritance, receives disability for congestive heart failure, and gets herself knocked up by a insistent, lovestruck teenager? All the while, while JJ is ripping her a new one, her son (of the same age as her teenage Prince) was nodding in agreement, LOL! "But your Honor, he pursued me, he begged me!" At least put on a condom so that you're not tied up to him for 20 years raising a kid with a kid, with your bad back and your CHF! And then... she has the audacity of taking him to court to pay for appliances that he doesn't even have? And his half of some rent? She really thought some teen the same age as her son was going to support her??? Good grief. Was she intimating that she was going to have an abortion? Or some scheme where she wouldn't put his name on the birth certificate as the father? Please! Foolish, foolish woman. I can't believe she showed herself on television. The teenager that barely said a word during his court appearance, unfortunately opened his mouth in the hallterview to explain how banging this pre-menopausal whale in homeless shelters, garages, and car were the two best years of his life. You have to wonder where he came from to have this notion. BBQ Baloney Carjack - What was up with that? They fake-stole a car to collect insurance? What was the mouthy plaintiff even suing the defendant for? JJ asked this very question and she got a whole lot of TL;DR where even the very existence of "Uncle Dank" was in contention.

No one added the brilliant IRREGARDING?

I find the Browns totally unwatchable. Kody is a despicable buffoon and the sight of him makes me want to break my TV. Not surprisingly, all his wives are even stupider than him and listening to their brainless banter and joory infomercials has me dialing the suicide hotline. When one of their made up "plots" involved burying their dog, they jumped the shark. When they moved into their TLC-bankrolled McMansions living separately on the fat of the show, there was no coming back. I find the Williams much more articulate, and sympathetic. They are living together. They have a web of relationships to explore. The wives actually seem to have genuine interactions. They have several dozen IQ points above the Browns.

Contraband Rear-Ender - JJ was in fine form torturing these two moron women. Dammit I wish I knew what illegal contraband they were moving from one car to another before the police showed up. Lady Spock Bartender spoke nice and crisp, she thought she had a well-woven story with her "couldn't find insurance" excuse, and that they made a deal to settle outside of insurance. As JJ slowly and mercilessly ripped her a new one, her confident smile degraded to a shocked expression, then a frustrated frown. Her moon-faced companion tried to stick to the story but was tripping over her shoelaces when questioned about who showed up accident scene, and in what order. She's going to suffer from JJ-PTSD for the rest of her life. Futon Hysteria - Was this insane banshee suing the family friend for a damaged futon??? For chrissakes, all the time this case was going on, I thought she was at least suing for the microwave, the VCR (who has VCRs these days, hoarders?) and the couch but no! The defendant had returned all this basement junk. The plaintiff thought she could outscreech JJ, but we know, JJ is the Judge, it's her courtroom, and she always wins. She went bonkers in the hallterview but my Betamax recorder cut the last precious few seconds of this classical post-courtroom meltdown. I weep. Fences of a Sociopath - The plaintiffs were hilarious, they were like twins, in facial hair choice and in the way they were nodding in unison. I knew the woman was going to get it for having the audacity of requiring a stool to sit on in the courtroom. What drug-dealing cartel member landlord next door would agree to let her install a fence on their property, and remove all the landscaping (aka "debris)? And then she tries to shaft the fence installers because they're not "licensed contractors?" HA! She doesn't watch the show because she would have known that this would never wash with JJ. "You're outrageous, Madam! Outrageous." It's been so long since I'd heard these beautiful words. Since Ebay of Pigs, or Scolarship Rent-to-Own Rims Stepdad perhaps.

Whether a domain name is a type of screwdriver, or a nutritional supplement, the plaintiff wasn't getting any money back! I loved how she was so brainwashed that she was trying to promote the vitamins on TV and wanted to show the sign... probably for promotion too. JJ flushed that little scheme down the toilet before it had a chance to see the light.

We don't know! Maybe heckling or craning to be seen on camera. It's not an audition! OUT!