PityFree

Sarah is in Michael’s house all the time because I think she wants a front row seat for when his new marriage falls apart. She knows things—about Michael, his money, and/or Juliana. I think Michael had a midlife crisis and left her and she is patiently waiting for the delicious, delicious schadenfreude.

I think there’s something suspicious about Juliana’s stories of stealing food and being hungry etc. I think Juliana has learned to manipulate Michael (and other rich men on yachts) into feeling sorry for her when she plays the role of poor, starving Brazilian girl. She seems to be laying it on thick when she apologized for stealing food. Obviously Michael gets off being in the role of “savior”—swooping in like Prince Charming to rescue the “beautiful, helpless girl.” But Michael wouldn’t bother rescuing her from being poor or hungry if she were ugly.

Jazmin is ugly and rude. She can barely stand Blake. He’s blind to her disgust.

“Oh look! He got his cigarette smoking from you!”

When Tony put the giant ring on Angela’s finger they kind of squeeze it and it moved like it was adjustable. I guess for $200, you get “adjustable.” I have to give a shout out to Glorietta for being angry at Alex, not Juliana. A lot of women get made at the women their men are cheating with instead of the CHEATER himself.

Oh dear lord Vincent’s going to be on 90 day fiancé isn’t he???

Keep your head up John; she’s probably going to cheat on Shane during the reception.

Lacy has three school-age children and has never been married???

I hope Tony leaves those mayonnaise filled sandwiches in the hot car while he does what he’s going to do. Then I hope he eats the sandwiches and gets what he deserves.

Dump him, Juliana!! Tony has child-bearing hips, doesn’t he??

Lizzie is an idiot. If that rock had hurt someone she could be the ex-con someday.

Why is Tony proposing with a nut off of a bolt??? Of course only a ring that gigantic will make Angela’s hands look feminine.

No! Don’t meet Tony at the lake! He’s going to kill you and hide your body!!!

Lacey conveniently left out the fact that she slapped John.

Why isn’t Josh wearing glasses? he always has a look on his face like he can’t see very well and he holds things up really close to his face when he tries to read. ETA: never mind. they just showed him with glasses I forgot that he wore them sometimes. It’s been a long week.

I’m betting that that beach house is an Airbnb. I think everybody is going to end up in jail at the end of this episode!

OMG stop “singing”, Alex!!

I really hope Juliana tells Alex to take a hike

He was trying so hard to make it seem like sex with Angela was something he wanted. That was the saddest “song” I’ve ever heard.

Can’t wait. I need this brain candy show after this week!

I only get secondhand embarrassment from the show. *cries softly*

I have sacrificed everything to be here tonight!!! And I’m so excited to snark with you guys.

UGH. What fame whores! They actually put Love After Lock Up on a sign at their wedding! That is so trashy.

Angela was happy to finally smell Tony? Please. And gross. She smokes so much there is no way she has any olfactory function left. Same with Lacey and her groomzilla tasting cakes. They smoke like chimneys; they can’t taste food at this point. Shane and Glorietta should get together. I’ll bet he would love her wedding book. And she just wants a groom—any groom.

I was thinking the same thing. Her “rock-bottom” was more like a bad night of drinking for many college students (including me, back in the day). Maybe they edited out the juicy stuff from Cheryl’s story???