SirOsisOfLiver

Signs You've Grown Up • Your potted plants are alive. And you can't smoke any of them. • The idea of having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd. • You keep more food than beer in the fridge. • You regularly hear your favorite songs on elevators. • You've gone from 130 days of vacation time to 7. • Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up". • Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. • Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. • You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's. • Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. • Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset your stomach. • You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits. • A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff". • "I just can't drink the way I used to," has replaced "I'm never going to drink that much again." • You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

After losing his penis in a horrible industrial accident, the desperate man visited doctor after doctor, seeking a remedy. Finally, a creative plastic surgeon agreed to substitute the trunk from a baby elephant for the missing member. Thus equipped, the elated man went home, deciding to break the news to his wife over dinner. Before he had thought of a way to explain his new appendage however, the trunk swept up onto the table, grabbed a dinner roll and disappeared back under the table. The startled wife demanded an explanation. Upon learning of the operation, she became visibly excited and pressed the man for more details. "Tell me," she inquired eagerly, "can you do that again?" "I think so," he replied. "But to be honest, I don't know if I can handle taking another bun up my ass."

An engaged couple is sitting around talking, and the conversation turns to their experience with sex. The woman asks the man, "So, how many women have you slept with?" The man gets all evasive, then replies, "Oh, I'd really rather not say. You'll get mad." "No, it's all right. Honest! Just tell me. I promise not to get mad. I just want to know." "Well, okay then." The man starts counting on his fingers. "One, two, three... four, five... six... you makes seven, eight, nine..."

I think there are two kinds of music lovers. One kind (generally women) hear a song they like and it makes them want to move. It makes them want to dance. For these people, music is physical. The other kind hears a song they like and all they want is for everyone else to shut up so they can hear better. They listen to the musicians and the interplay and all that stuff. For them, music is mental. Music never makes me want to dance. Never, and I'm musical. I was one of the millions of boys at the high school dance who was only there because girls were there. I danced only when it seemed necessary to try and meet a girl. I have no interest in pop music - not as a teen and not as an adult. Girls love pop music, because they can dance to it. Girls dance from 8 to 98. Guys only dance when forced or nagged into it. I think that says as much as anything about who listens to what and why. I don't care about new music because it's yet another rehash of the same dance groove that I've heard for 50 years or more. Dancers don't care about details, as long as it makes them want to dance. I remember as a young guy when everything we heard was on AM radio, and one day I suddenly noticed that the music in the radio ads was way better than the Top 40 schlock, and I didn't know any of it. Who were these bands and why weren't these songs being played on my radio station? That's when I discovered FM radio and Top 40 never insulted my ears again. There's no right or wrong way to listen to music, but I think gender has a way bigger factor than age regarding who listens to what. It's all about dancing, or the lack thereof.

How To Spruce Up Your Answering Machine Messages • "My wife and I can't come to the phone right now. Leave your name and number and we'll call you back when we're done." • "Hi, this is John. If you're the phone company, I sent the money. If you're my parents, I need money. If you're one of my friends, you owe me money. If you're a female, don't worry. I have lots of money." • "Hi. I'm probably home, but I'm avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message. If I don't call you back, it's you." • "Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly. I'll stick your message to myself with one of those magnets."

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word "penis" on the chalkboard in tiny letters. She scanned the class for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off the board and began class. The next day, the word "penis" was written on the board again. This time it was written about halfway across the board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she rubbed it off and proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's being written larger than the previous one, and each was rubbed off. At the start of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word, but instead she found these words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

Got five minutes? The Muppets house band, Dr. Teeth & The Electric Mayhem, do Bohemian Rhapsody.

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.

· Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. · Remember: You are known by the idiot you accompany. · Don't imagine you can change a man unless he's in diapers. · Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse. · Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be left out alone. · Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. · A man who can dress himself without looking like Peewee Herman is unquestionably gay. · Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny. · Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. · The best way to get a man to do something is to tell him he's too old to do it. · A man's idea of serious commitment is, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night." · If he asks you if you're faking it, tell him, "No, just practicing." · If he asks you if he's your first, tell him, "You might be. You look familiar." · If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, you're aiming too high. · Women don't make fools of men. Most men are do-it-yourself types. · Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too. · A man with manners is one who leaves the bath to pee. · When you meet a man who would make a good husband, he usually already is. · A man's brain is like the prison system. Not enough cells per man. · Husbands are like children. They're fine when they're someone elses.

We were just talking about Steely Dan and then Walter Becker dies today. So many of my musical icons dying over the last year or two really reminds one of your own age and mortality. These people aren't that much older than me. Heavy sigh.

Top Ten Rejection Lines Given By Women (And What They Really Mean) 10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo geek in "Deliverance".) 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do it with my dad.) 8. I'm not attracted to you that way. (You ugly dork.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you to spend the night, or you'll hear the phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.) 6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my cat and a half-gallon of ice cream.) 5. I don't date men I work with. (I wouldn't date you if you were the only man in the solar system, much less the same building.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (No, it's you.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 2. I'm celibate. (I'd rather chew tinfoil; or, I'd rather drink turpentine and piss on a brush fire; or, When bats fly out of my ass.) 1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so that I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I'm having sex with.)

Thoughts For The Day · Forget about world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. · A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. · If something goes without saying, let it! · Give me ambiguity or give me something else. · Ever stop to think, then forget to start again? · Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. · Boycott shampoo! Demand the real poo! · Jesus saves... passes to Moses, Moses shoots, HE SCORES! · Why do they lock gas station bathroom doors? Are they afraid someone will clean them? · I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

Thoughts For The day · If a man speaks in the middle of the forest, and no woman is around to hear him, is he still wrong? · Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home. · All we are saying is give pizza chants. · Where are we going, and why are we in this handbasket? · The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette. · If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. · Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep. · Does the Little Mermaid wear an Algebra? · If love is blind, then lingerie makes great braille! · Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? · Atheism is a non-prophet society. · Save the whales - collect the whole set! · TheContentsOfThisMessageMaySettleDuringShipping.

Didn't like Kelly, didn't need her back. Didn't remember Adolfo at all. Wasn't impressed with Melissa then or now. Half the show is just talking heads from the contestants: "I did this, then I did that..." Way too much jammed into a short period. Really boring concept, coming off a real lackluster season. Face Off, I'm afraid you've exceeded your "best before" date by a season or two. "Glue pre-made shit onto a face and race to do a mediocre paint job" is not enough to form the basis of an ongoing TV show. Goodbye.

For the past few seasons, Mel and Sue used Paul as their straight man and punching bag, and I think he was getting tired of being the brunt of their jokes. He seemed more relaxed tonight. Hosts didn't try too hard, so I can put up with them. Obviously, Love Productions was going to be sensitive to the fact that people were going to be ready to pounce on anything major, so they tried pretty hard to make it seem like just another season, which was probably the right decision. I wanted to dislike it but couldn't find much to fault.