SirOsisOfLiver

• Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole. • Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN! • Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. • Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to call them at four in the morning. • Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants. • Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. • Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you're invisible.

The Rules For Women • Don't make him hold your purse in the mall. • Shopping is not fascinating. • If you really want to meet a good man, stop dating good-looking jerks. • The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick. • Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble, should be met with the same degree of praise as an infant who walks for the first time. • Those male models with the perfect bodies? They're all gay. • Yes, he heard you the first time. • You can ask men out. Let's spread the rejection around a little bit. • Of course! he wants another beer. • "Fine" is not an acceptable way to end an argument. • He was NOT looking at that other girl. • Well, okay, maybe a little. • Okay, so what? He looked at her. Big deal! Like you've never looked at another man? • When he asks for a threesome with you and your best girlfriend, he's only joking. • Unless the answer is "yes". • In which case, can he videotape it?

Signs That You're Aging Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he's using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you're not amused, you stab him. You have to write Post-It notes with your kids' names on them. You change your underwear after every sneeze. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales. Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fibre today. "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN Compliment her Cuddle her Kiss her Caress her Love her Stroke her Tease her Comfort her Protect her Hug her Hold her Spend money on her Dine her Buy things for her Listen to her Care for her Stand by her Support her Go to the ends of the earth for her HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN Show up naked Bring beer

I have a lot of music, but there are very few albums I can put on and listen to, start to finish. Aja is one of the few along with The Nightfly.

Another Steely Dan/Donald Fagen fan here. Back in the days when buying stereo equipment was serious business, The Nightfly was something you brought along to test how good the sound was.

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NHL 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. — Desperate Dear Desperate, Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.1 and Lingerie 5.3. — Tech Support

Mel: "Where did you get the orange juice" Candice: "From the orange?" One of my favourite moments of the season. I didn't have any problem with Candace, but men and women seem to watch TV differently. :)

All Stressed Out? Sometimes it helps to think of a happy scene. Maybe a pastoral field... A field with a babbling brook. You're there on a lovely summer's day, Holding someone's head under the water. Now, you're letting them back up for a second. Then, BLAM!! Back into the freezing water! Over and over again! There... feel better now?