AgathaC

We do. Always have. And we either watch TV/a movie or play a game after. No clue how meals work at his mom’s, except they get a lot more takeout as she’s not much of a cook. Mr A and I both enjoy cooking and try to eat healthy, so we don’t eat out nearly as much (which is apparently a gripe of his). It’s not that we never do it — maybe once a week when he’s here or we’ll make burgers or pizza at home. But it’s not a regular thing.

Agreed. And we do have rules in place that Mr A and I both agree on. SS, however, frequently breaks them when it suits him. We’ve yet to find anything that works to get him to actually follow the rules even half the time. Anyway, I suppose it’s a good thing we at least try. Can’t imagine how horrible he might be if there was no one legitimately trying to provide structure and hold him accountable.

It has been, yes. We think it’s odd they don’t hang out, but my understanding is that’s not unheard of these days. He occasionally stays later at school to go to basketball games and he talks to them on the phone. We have tried the carrot. And that’s his mom’s preferred method (hence paying for grades). It doesn’t work. His attitude is more that he’s going to do and get whatever he wants regardless. Oh, it’s something I’ve considered and I agree. I think a PD (or a developing one) is a distinct possibility. I’ve done a lot of research over the years. My therapist (I see one once a month for maintenance) agrees and says children who are spoiled and indulged as much as SS has been frequently develop dopamine overload. It’s like with addictions. Tolerance builds to the point they just don’t get excited about anything. Regardless, the result of the way he’s been treated: Utter lack of accountability or responsibility. Seeming lack of empathy. entitlement in the extreme. Lack of work ethic or endurance. He’s used to instant gratification. If something requires time or effort, he just gives up. I hate it for him. He really has every possible advantage. But any potential is being totally squandered. And he’s not growing to be the kind of person anyone will want to be around. Mr A definitely shares some of the blame. He could and should have handled things differently. But any attempt he makes to teach lessons is undermined the second SS goes to his mom’s.

Exactly. And I’ve said that. SS is the one who will suffer for it. He’s lucky that there’s family money. But will it really be enough to protect him the rest of his life? I don’t know. If it doesn’t involve sports or his phone, he has no interest. He loves baseball and he’s good, but not amazing. And his mom lets him skip practices on a regular basis, so even then, not willing to put in effort. Bingo. It’s been that way for years. And so far, I’ve been dead right about every concern and prediction. But all I can do is give advice when requested.

We got an unexpected reprieve. SS’s mom had to cancel her trip, so we’ll keep with the regular week on/week off. No almost two weeks of SS here. It also means Mr A and I can do the long weekend getaway we desperately need but couldn’t plan due to the schedule changes. Woo-hoo. Good timing, too. He’s nearly flunking a couple of classes. Mr A met with teachers during conferences Monday. It’s all laziness, basically, which SS freely admits. So, last week we had another example of awesome parenting. SS likes to go with his mom to the gym. He’s an athletic kid and there are a lot of machines, racket ball, etc. There are also snack counters and he’s a big lover of soft drinks and snacks. Anyway, on our weeks, he just rides the school bus to her house and she drops him off. Mr A is cool with it as long as he’s home in time to clean up for dinner. (He’s also taken away gym visits as a consequence for rule-breaking, so it’s a useful tool.) Sometimes, Ex can’t go, but she tells Mr A at the start of the week. Sometimes that changes and she keeps Mr A informed. No problem. Last week, she couldn’t go Thursday. SS knew this. Early Thursday afternoon, SS texted Mr A asking if he could go to the gym with his mom. Mr A, assuming her plans had changed, said yes. That afternoon, he got a text from Ex that SS had just shown up. He had not asked her about the gym. Knowing this kid and how he operates, we knew exactly what happened. He wanted to go to the gym. So, to cover his bases, he asked his dad (he never texts him to ask about the gym). He did not ask his mom, fearing the answer would be no and thinking if he turned up, she’d take him. What happened? She texted Mr A and said she was going to go ahead and take him before her meeting. Lovely lesson there. SS does something stupid and dangerous (what if she hadn’t been home? What if his phone died?). He manipulates a situation to get what he wants. And her response is… give him what he wants. Personally, I thought Mr A should have told her, “no. Bring his ass here. Now.” But he doesn’t like to push back at her too much. He chewed SS out when he got home (she didn’t chastise him at all). But the lesson was still learned. You can always get what you want and will be rewarded for stupid, thoughtless manipulative behavior. I swear.

Good luck with your little guy! I hear martial arts can do great things for confidence and learning the right way to behave. Mr A has tried talking to him for years. Rarely if ever gets anywhere. He gets blank stares or “no, everything’s fine” in a “ok, weirdo, why are you asking?” tone. Doubt the mom has a boyfriend. Possible, but I don’t think she’s interested. And I’m sure she’s around. Either she or her parents are constantly doing things with him or taking him to buy things. She also told Mr A she doesn’t trust him alone in the house, either. So, he goes with her when she leaves. He’s not responsible enough.

I think it would depend on when she was asked. She’s been on board before. It ended up not happening because he went and refused to say a word and they didn’t want to keep wasting time and money. Personally, I think they should try again. Maybe tell him if he doesn’t speak or cooperate, the cost of the session comes out of his bank account. (Knowing his mom, she or her parents would just repay him.) He does have friends — doesn’t see them in person, but spends a lot of time talking, texting and gaming. Apparently, that’s the way these kids do it now. Oh, I never hardly ever engage — never more than a “hi” at a baseball game. She and Mr A actually get along fine but they definitely disagree on appropriate behavior and consequences. Even when she agrees there’s a problem, she doesn’t want to deal with it. So, the latest gems: 1) He lied about having his report card. Had a D in English last 9 weeks. Admitted to Mr A he’s slacking off and not doing some work because he’d rather do other stuff. 2) Got in school suspension for “horseplay.” A kid tripped and knocked against him, so SS shoved him hard enough to knock him down. Mr A: “You think an appropriate response to an accident is to shove the person?” SS: “I thought it might be on purpose.” Mr A: “Well, do you think it might be a good idea to find out before you react physically?” SS: “No. that’s lame.” Lovely. He’s not a “problem” around here, per se. He disobeys rules and has attitude, but he’s not violent or lashing out — I would never put up with that. But I keep feeling like there are real problems. Mr A agrees that he could be on a bad path, but doesn’t really know what to do. Any consequences roll right off him or are undone by his mom and her parents. He does them anyway, but it’s like banging your head against a wall.

I doubt the trip makes a difference. The behavior and attitude far predate it. It’s been this way for years. But, yeah, there could be divorce resentment. He was 2 when they split, so it’s not like he remembers life together, but that doesn’t always matter.

Nope, not worth fighting. I advised Mr A to drop the mattress thing and he has. Just let him do what he does with that. We can throw it away when he graduates. I suggested the laundry thing and at this point, Mr A is considering it. I won’t give up the good thing because I refuse to deal with pests, but if he ends up having to wear dirty, wrinkled clothes to school, why should I care?

We tried that. He just rolled his eyes. He also continuously pulls off the sheets and mattress pad to sleep on the bare mattress. Mr A googled pictures of dust mites and dead skin cells, etc., to show him, but it had no impact. Filth and squalor are fine by him. Mr A is a neat freak and germaphobe, so it’s a constant battle.

Not really. She doesn’t think sneaking and lying are a big deal. We have a “no electronics after bedtime” rule. Last year, we discovered he’d brought his Switch over and was hiding it. Mr A confronted him. SS Lied multiple times to his face before finally handing it over. Mr A confiscated electronics for the rest of the week. SS’s mom said Mr A was treating SS like he’s in “a concentration camp” and she would have taken things away for an hour. He’s been suspended twice this year for fighting. He didn’t start either, but he escalated. Since he didn’t start it, she sees no problem and thinks the school is unreasonable. It’s like that. As long as he’s not flunking, she doesn’t care about grades. (Odd, since she and her family are all highly educated.) He regularly falls behind unless Mr A stays on top of him. That was solved a bit by Mom and her parents paying him for grades (we’re talking 100s of dollars every 9 weeks). But that’s starting to wear off. She did say she thinks he’s in classes below his level (I agree) and she wants him in advanced classes next year “when it counts”. Problem is, she and Mr A let him drop down from advanced classes two years ago when he didn’t want to do the work. If they try to bump him back up, he’ll be behind and overwhelmed — which I said two years ago. Anyway, yes, he’s always willing to participate. We regularly do things. But he’s not particularly engaged or engaging. Acts more like he’s biding his time until he can do what he wants. (About what I’d expect from a teen.)

Thanks, @shapeshifter! So far, we haven’t found a single consequence that works. Even if it does at first, very soon he shrugs it off and keeps on doing what he’s doing. His mom’s ideas of problem behavior and appropriate consequences are vastly different from ours, so as soon as he’s back at her house, it’s all fine. Even financial penalties — she just pays it for him. He genuinely doesn’t care. My parents were far from strict, but the mere thought I might have disappointed them cut deep. Hard for me to relate to a kid who seems to have zero sense of remorse.

On the food topic: My mother and both grandmothers are/were amazing cooks, so I was fortunate enough to never be expected to choke down something barely edible. And I would eat pretty much anything. Bring one of five kids does cut down on pickiness. Even if dinner was something you didn’t much care for, you knew someone else loved it and just dealt with it. You’d probably have one of your faves soon. It helped that my tastes matched my parents’ so we never had things I hated (Lima beans, anything with raisins). Moving on, forgive me for venting. I’ve complained about my Stepson (14) before. We’re about to have him for nearly two weeks while his mom goes on a trip and I’m already dreading it. Teens are usually unpleasant part of the time, but usually there are moments of charm or humor or pleasantness to keep you endeared to them. This kid is a blank slate when he’s not throwing attitude around. One thing that drives me nuts is his absolute refusal to obey rules or to do what’s asked. Mr Agatha doesn’t put many rules in place, but he does expect him to put clean clothes away. For a while, SS would bring his laundry basket down and it was obvious he had never put the clean things up. He just dumped dirty clothes on top, then brought them for washing. Waste of time and water. So, Mr Agatha started telling him to put them up. He proceeds to just dump them on the floor or stuff in a wad in his closet, then lies about having put them away. I don’t care about the clothes. Let him wear dirty, wrinkled clothes and figure it out. But the lying is an issue. The other problem: food and drink. We don’t let him have stuff in his room because there were multiple incidents of him leaving wrappers or half-eaten chocolate around or spilling a drink and leaving it to dry into a sticky mess. Instead, he sneaks stuff upstairs and hides it. Every time we catch him at it, he gets a consequence. It’s not like he doesn’t get plenty to eat or access to food. He just has to consume it downstairs. On weeks at our house, he still goes to the gym after school with his mom. Mr A started saying no gym if we find food/drinks up there. That finally seemed to work. Well, we went a few months either way no incidents. Mr A and I take a walk every day. We used to make him go with us, but decided there had been no problems and he’s a teen, let’s let him stay home with the dogs. Great. Then we started noticing things missing from the pantry. Yep. He was taking candy, cookies, etc., up and hiding them in his room. 14 and we can’t trust him to be home alone. I just don’t get it. This kid has absolutely no remorse. No guilt. He gets in trouble, he doesn’t care. Why should he? Every other week he goes to his mom’s, where there are no rules or consequences and he’s spoiled rotten. He has never apologized for anything in the 9 years I’ve known him. He acts like rules don’t apply and when he gets called out on something, it’s someone else’s fault. There’s enough stress in the world right now and dealing with it at home doesn’t help. The only bright spot is Mr A and I are on the same page.

A series of books could be written about his personality disorders.

When I worked in consumer protection, one of the big things I learned about scams is that the key is emotion. Prey on a weakness. Get their emotions going. It turns off the thinking part of the brain. For the elderly? Make them think a grandchild is in prison. For a lower-income person? Make them think their water or electricity is about to be shut off. For someone trying to buy a puppy? Make them think their puppy is stranded at an airport and will be handed over to a kill shelter if fees aren’t paid. If you get them scared, they won’t think rationally until after they’ve sent a huge (for them) bitcoin payment. I can’t tell you how many people I talked to who felt like idiots. “I know better!” “It sounds so stupid now!” For some people, that’s exactly what’s going on here.