Uncle Benzene

Lenny just seems low-class and boorish all around. Another example was the "beans make you fart" conversation, to which Irvine had to jump in and put a quick end. That kind of thing is pretty clearly Lenny's default mindset, and in retrospect, I'm actually a little impressed that he's been able to suppress it to the degree he has. For the most part, that is. But the little glimpses behind the facade keep piling up. Humping the grill. Talking about bean farts while shooting a tee vee show pilot, for crying out loud, and is at least pretending to be interviewed by a guy who's considering hiring him to cook for an event. (What kind of person "goes there" under those circumstances???) The shirtless candy bar monster. The "Here, let me show you where I split my jeans." By the way, I'm pretty sure he was still wearing those very same ripped/patched jeans when they were being judged on their promos (when they eliminated Sarah.) When they were walking back up the stairs afterwards, I caught a glimpse of what might have been the "patch" but looked an awful lot more to me like they were either still ripped, or had re-ripped, and what I actually saw was his boxers. But regardless, why in the name of all that is holy would he still be wearing those particular jeans??? The o-face when he tasted the dish at the restaurant outing. Last week's "the way it lays on my tongue... it's so soft and creamy." And on and on like that. Dude is a straight up weirdo, and the more I see of him, the more he creeps me right the fuck out. I kind of enjoyed Luca, because I guess I have a different reaction to his speech. Don't get me wrong, I can't understand him half the time either. But I find it amusing rather than distracting or annoying. When he was making that sauce, I found myself giggling through the whole thing. "Dees will make your sauce more smooder." Sorry if anybody finds it offensive that I'd laugh at that kind of thing, I know it's his accent and he can't help it, but I'm laughing with him. Not mocking him, just being amused by it. That dish though... I don't doubt that it was delicious. A shitload of garlic and anchovies? Over whole fish and roasted potatoes? Yes please. But it definitely was not pretty. Especially that gray sauce, when it was still in the saucepan. Gordon Ramsay would have had some big fun describing it.

You're familiar with the internet, right? Heh. ;) If they don't give him a show, we'll definitely be reading all about it. Hell, if there's the slightest delay or any other hint of wonkiness in the air, even before the show would ordinarily be expected to be broadcast, volumes will be written about it. Justin Warner is living proof of that. If Lenny were to sue, that's public record, and it'd be sniffed out for sure. And don't even get me started on various leaks, rumors, anonymous tips from friends of friends, and on and on like that. It's no longer possible to keep a lid on stuff like this in 2014.

See, I think after having seen Lenny's video(s) I've decided that I hope he actually wins this thing. If only because the ensuing meta soap opera would be orders of magnitude more entertaining than whatever show would come from the winner. I'm hoping that FN really didn't know, that they didn't properly vet the contestant (again) and a "scandal" (in a manner of speaking) erupts. Do they try to sweep it under the rug and hope nobody really cares all that much, and give him a show anyway? Or do they try to get out of it and not give him a show? Does the existence of the videos constitute some sort of breach of contract on Lenny's part via some sort of "public image clause" or something along those lines? Does Lenny sue them for not coming through with the promised winnings? Do they buy him off? Etc. etc. etc. I guess I must be a horrible person, but that would be the far more interesting outcome for me. Hell, the Pauler Situation was the most interesting thing to have happened at FN in a long, long time. A Lenny Situation wouldn't be anywhere near as big, of course, but it would make for some goooooood internet reading until it's resolved. I suspect it would generate far more, and far more interesting, media than six half-hour episodes of a crappy tee vee show (regardless of who wins.) Hell, I'll go ahead and get greedy. I want both. I want him to win and for FN to end up having to give him the show despite their efforts to get out of it, and for there to be a scandal behind it. It's about the only thing that would compel me to actually DVR the show, that's for sure. Watching it through that lens, with the knowledge that all that behind-the-scenes craziness was present while the show was being produced, could be fun. Awkward!

Aw, I absolutely LOVE the opening credits. That song is so over-the-top cheesy (not to mention so incredibly on-the-nose) it cracks my ass up. I always picture a bemulleted bro from the 80s in a sleeveless Motley Crue tee shirt driving an IROC-Z while rocking the hell out of those lyrics from the very bottom of his soul. "If you think the beer is rotten, you should see the clientele!" Just hilarious. And I totally agree that it's the warning label for what you're about to witness. That's clearly intentional, and it probably cracks Ramsay up too. I get the impression that this is Gordo's vanity project. Say what you might about his other projects, but I get the sense that ultimately he does care about those projects. I don't think he has two fucks to rub together with regard to this one, he's just having fun with it (witness the gratuitous nudity at every opportunity, among other examples) and taking FOX's money, for no other reason than "sure, why the hell not?" More power to him, as far as I'm concerned. I'm entertained. And these people (the owners) don't really want to be helped. They just want their 15 minutes, and Gordo gives it to them. Caveat emptor, careful what you wish for and all. I do feel sorry sometimes for the staff, but one thing I think Gordo and crew always go to great pains to do is to make sure the true assholes come off like assholes, and the conscientious employees who are just stuck in terrible jobs are presented as such as well. And I've got a hunch that those people actually benefit greatly from being on the show. Whether it's via direct, behind-the-scenes assistance from Gordo and crew (which I have no doubt happens) or even just being presented on national tee vee as someone other local businesses would do well to hire into a better situation. I'd wager that they genuinely do go out of their way to truly help "the good ones."

"No problem. We'll just start smoking weed." Heh.

What in the entire fuck?!?

I swear, it seems destined that before the season is over, we're gonna have to look at Lenny's junk. It's inevitable. The Naked Score now stands at Lenny 3, Luca 0. Sheesh. I thought the older kid who refused to try Luca's dish was clearly performing, working an "aw, how cute" angle. Which isn't to say he was coached or directed to do so, I just think the kid thought he could get himself some attention. I was a little surprised that neither kid would try it though because I think Luca was right with his comment that usually the deal with kids and veggies comes down to green, and also because I figured kids would be willing to try just about anything with "spaghetti sauce" on it. At the same time, I agree with others who have said he was kinda screwed because he couldn't really "hide" the veggies with the kids sitting right there watching him. Double-edged sword, because they'd have dinged him if he weren't clear about what he was doing during his presentation. But they were never NOT gonna have the kids sitting there during the presentation either. "Kids won't eat veggies, make something with veggies while they watch and then get them to eat it." was damn near an impossible task. Especially when the kids think it'll be cute and everybody will "aaaaw" if they refuse. On the other hand, I think cauliflower was an odd choice. That stuff stinks. I'm 42 years old and I've tried durian, for crying out loud! (Once, only once, never ever again.) And you can't get me near cauliflower. Hell, I love me some broccoli (go figure) but cauliflower is just nasty. And "cauliflower risotto" just doesn't seem like it could possibly be an actual thing. I didn't get from the presentation how that could possibly have turned out as even a reasonable facsimile of anything resembling risotto. And I damn sure didn't buy Luca's claim that it "won't taste like cauliflower." Don't see how that could possibly have been true either. But hey, his grandma back in Italy... so, um, yeah. Anyway, while I think Luca gave a pretty good presentation, despite having been screwed from the jump, the choice of dish seemed dreadfully ill-advised to me. How in the fresh hell did they not just pull a Gordo and send Sarah from the Republic of Texizzzz packing immediately after that dead-air/melon-chomp nightmare? Seriously, Sarah? How many episodes in are we at this point? How can you still be so easily-flappable? How is it that you apparently still don't grasp that you can't just fucking stand there silently with your mouth agape? How does it still not occur to you to just go "Hey guys, we're having some technical difficulties over here, but they're signaling that we're live, so...."??? Alton looked like he wanted to strangle her. "What is it? Did you taste it?" *chomp* I ask again... seriously??? The whole thing (Alton's reactions notwithstanding, because those were HILARIOUS!) was just absolutely brutal. Cringeworthy. I also agree with others that I don't think Loreal really knows a whole hell of a lot about meat, aside from how to break down primals. And I'm not convinced she's even all that good a butcher. She might be, I don't know, but I haven't seen any indication that she's much more than passable... competent enough to hold down a job, possibly based mostly on enthusiasm for a job most others would find soul-crushing, but not much more than that. I suspect that her "bubbly" outgoing personality probably works to her advantage among what I assume are a bunch of men otherwise wallowing in drudgery at a butcher shop all day long. (A literal sausagefest!) I'm sure she's the life of the "party" and as long as she continues to show up, she's golden. And it's got her thinking she's some kind of "Butcher Babe" superstar. The very epitome of "big fish, small pond" syndrome. I think Nicole is lovely, and I also think she's making one hell of a late push. Her fate might have been already sealed weeks ago, but I'm not so sure at this point. Yes, the sriracha thing was a huuuuuuge brain fart on her part. Giving any kind of hot sauce to any kid without knowing the kid personally and being absolutely sure the kid's good with it is just incredibly ill-advised. And you damn sure don't give it to a young stranger on "live" tee vee. Worse yet, I love sriracha and it looked like too much even for me. An egregious mistake, but it sure did look like they just chalked it up to a momentary lapse, and at this point I'm inclined to agree with them. I've got a hunch that Nicole might be pulling ahead by a nose right at the finish line.

I must have low standards, because I still enjoy the Hell (heh) out of this show, as terrible as it can be most of the time, and I'm stoked that it's coming back so soon. Hell, I'll cop to the fact that occasionally I'll even watch reruns of past seasons on HULU. (I NEED Amanda Davenport back in my life. My original Ramsayverse Girlfriend.) If there were a 24/7 Ramsay Network, I suspect I'd rarely change the channel. I mean, I'm not proud of it, but I suppose there's no sense in denying it. Until then, the rest of MC and then Junior, plus Hotel Hell? Yes please. FOX should continue to air as much content as Gordo cares to spew forth. My favorite parts of the post-reveal celebration are ALWAYS the shots of JP. That stuck up Belgian sure can cut loose when the situation warrants. It's endlessly amusing.

Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Heh.

Late to the party this week, just now getting a chance to watch and then read this here thread (which, by the way, is on and poppin'!) To me, the "best" parts this week were the trips to the various restaurants, because most of them were hilarious. "OOOOH!!! HIBACHI! OMG!" Seriously? I mean, I get that it can be entertaining. Maybe the first one or two times, when you were ten. Might even get a bit of a kick out of it as an adult, especially if you're with kids. But come on already, you're an adult, eating alone, and if you haven't already had "the Hibachi Experience" at least a handful of times in various strip malls, you probably need to get out more. And I'm sure there are places (especially in Vegas, I suppose) who claim to have some kind of super-duper "high-end" version of it, but let's be real. It's fuckin' Hibachi. Calm down and get over it already. "The gold spoon really makes a difference in the way this stupid sundae tastes!" Sure it does. I mean, I too have seen the show where the dude who is a full-time taster for Haagen-Dazs (or whatever) explains that he uses a gold spoon so as not to taint the flavor, or whatever. But come on. You are not that guy, and neither is anybody else who's fool enough to actually buy one of those ridiculous sundaes. And "edible gold leaf" is one of the stupidest, most pointless things that exists in this universe. Extravagance for its own sake. That fact that that sundae even exists makes me weep for civilization. And don't even get me started on Lenny. If there's one thing I could have lived my entire life without seeing even moreso than Lenny's bare chest, it's his o-face. *shudder* That's gonna stick with me for a while. Because... ew. Eyes rolling back in his head and everything. Brain bleach on aisle one! Stat! Oh, and edited to add a couple things that just popped back into my head: "Wagyu is like American Kobe!" Guh. Try googling that shit. Until then, shut up. And a wagyu burger topped with foie and lobster? On what planet is that anything other than "Quit just piling expensive ingredients on top of one another! That's not a cohesive dish, it's just a bunch of expensive shit." Sheesh, this show.

That was me, and I was just being silly.

Wait, are you people telling me it's not true that all women in the Republic of Texizzz wear tiaras daily, just as a matter of course? For that matter, where in the hell did that thing even come from? Did Sarah bring one with her to L.A.? And did she then make a point of packing it for the field trip to Vegas? Because, if so, holy shit. Word on the street is that at Giada's restaurant, they refuse to serve you if you don't pronounce the dish you're ordering "correctly." And if you order "too much" or ask for extras of anything, the whole staff comes out and acts appalled at your gluttony. They disappointed me by not catching a glimpse of Giada's face when Luca was re-introduced and was being hugged by Nicole/Sarah/etc. Come on, editors! I find it endlessly amusing that Lenny's up 2-0 on Luca at going shirtless. You're welcome, ladies!

I agree. I mean, clearly Joy screwed herself, but I find it hard to blame just about anyone on this show who has ever blown up at Ramsay. I don't have any idea what Ramsay's like in real life, but on this show he definitely amps up the asshole/bully factor to 11 and beyond at every opportunity. After all, it's called "Hell's Kitchen" for a reason. It does kind of boggle the mind that any contestant who has ever watched this show before (let alone competing in it) wouldn't ALWAYS keep in mind that Gordo is playing a character, and be more sanguine about it when he really lays into them. Especially since they all should know that once he smells blood in the water, then it's really on. But I suppose in the heat of the moment, people just snap sometimes. Certainly not the first time, nor the last. To wit... Melanie's cappellini: "No cilantro! Where's the cilantro?!?" Weren't they shown sprinkling the cilantro on top at the last minute at the pass? Scott: "Calm down, slow down, we don't need the scallops yet." Two seconds later: "WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY SCALLOPS?!?" And then the thing with Joy. Since when can the fish not sit on the HOT PLATE(!!!) at the pass for 30 fuckin' seconds while the garnish is walking? At first, I didn't get the impression that she was "talking back" but rather just trying to explain/answer his freakin' question, for crying out loud. And he kept interrupting her to further browbeat her after having asked her a question. Flustrating, indeed. The second he cottoned on to the fact that he was getting under her skin, there was no way in hell he was gonna stop. He'll never pass on an opportunity to strike when he smells blood in the water. And hey, that's what this show is. That's the character he's playing. And (for me, anyway, because I harbor no illusions of this being a legit competition, or a meritocracy, or a "show about cooking" or anything other than "Ramsay being a dick to donkeys for our amusement") that's why "we" (meaning I) watch. They should know that and be better able to keep their wits about them amid all the over-the-top hysteria. Joy obviously regretted it almost immediately, as she should have. She totally boned herself, no doubt. But I certainly understand that for some people that can be incredibly difficult, and in a particular moment, downright impossible. I don't think it makes Joy weak, or stupid, or a bad person that she had a momentary lapse of self-control in the face of Ramsay's latest made-for-tee-vee tantrum.

POINTS!

Yeah, I don't even need any Walter or Jesse on this show. It'd be fine, of course, if that happened. But I don't need it. Just having Mike Fuckin' Ehrmantraut on board is plenty good enough for me. And if Badger and Skinny Pete are around? All the better. But I think I'd prefer that this show be its own show, about Saul, and I think having Jesse (or especially Walt) pop in would run contrary to that goal.

At this point, I have a full-blown crush on Damaris. Not so much during FNS, but now?

Welp. At least Kashia can take solace in going out with the quote of the week, hands down. "It smells like horse maneuver." Much as I'm loath to admit it, it's that kind of thing that'll make me... here goes... actually kinda miss her. Figures that she'd get the boot about half an hour after my own personal epiphany that "You know what? From time to time, this crazy person actually amuses me."

Inscription on Angie's tombstone: "I'd rather die in shoes than live barefoot" (What?! Of course there's a previously unseen tombstone-chiseling guy.)

I'm certainly not shedding any tears for Christopher. I don't know him, so I could be wrong, but I think he got precisely what he wanted from his stint on this here shitshow. On one hand, I'm with @JTMacc99 (as is typically the case) in that I agree with the judges' decision. Christopher just wasn't a good fit for this show, nor is he a good fit for having his own show. And there's nothing at all wrong with that. The guy is a chef, not a tee vee show host. His skillset just isn't right for that particular line of work. Again, no shame at all in that. But I keep coming back to Alton's "a minute forty-five" without touching any food. He didn't demo anything, he just didn't. And I agree wholeheartedly that that's grounds for dismissal under any circumstances, given the premise of this particular "competition." On a related note, while it would be nice if the judges were algorithmic and perfectly consistent in their judging, that's simply not realistic because it's inherently subjective. And on a case-by-case basis, sometimes that day's failure is just too egregious to ignore. Other times, nobody stands out enough to judge strictly on that day's performance, and so past performance factors in to a far greater degree. Sometimes, let's face it, it's little more than a hunch. Sometimes the mistake(s) a particular contestant makes are the same ones he/she has made repeatedly, and they've just seen enough and finally give up on someone they had previously thought had potential. Etc. etc. etc. It may seem like "inconsistency" on the judges' part, and I suppose it is. But it never has been, and never will be, any kind of "exact science." In the end, it always comes down to "going with your gut" (biases and all) and there's just no "formula" or set criteria on a given day. Anyway, on the other hand, it's seemed obvious to me (and many others) for a good long time now that Christopher wasn't necessarily all that interested in actually winning this thing. I suspect that the main goal was to get himself some really powerful publicity/name-recognition as a chef. And, to that end, mission most definitely accomplished. He clearly has gained quite a vocal fan in Bobby Flay, the only person on this show who is a bona fide chef/restaurateur/food authority. How many times has Bobby said (on camera) "This guy can cook!"? For a professional chef, that's worth its weight in gold. Furthermore, he couldn't have gotten more bang for his buck on the way out, with Flay advocating for him, after having prepared the best dish of the day (again.) Ultimately, I think the lingering perception of Christopher that'll come out of all this is that he was "too good for this show." He acquitted himself well in terms of not being an asshole, but not being a dancing monkey either. And along the way, he proved himself super duper competent as a chef. So as far as his -- you know, actual career -- goes, I don't think he could have done much better or gotten much more out of it than he did. Meantime, I wouldn't be at all surprised of Christopher ends up on Chopped at some point, and winning. And/or Top Chef, should he decide he wants to do that. Or not. But in any case, there's no doubt in my mind that this whole thing is going to work out incredibly well for him.

This week on Food Network Star: Each contestant must perform a live demo at Knott's Berry Farm. Lenny gets the wrong idea, drops his pants and attempts to live demo his own berries.

Unfortunately, as long as DirecTV is the exclusive carrier of the NFL package, they've got me by the undies.

Welp. There was some discussion last week in the S02.E01 thread about Sundance on DirecTV, so I figured I'd offer a heads-up to @AuntiePam and anybody else who might have discovered that their DTV DVR didn't record S02.E02 last night. Evidently, sometime over the last 7 days, DirecTV quietly went ahead and dropped Sundance from my "Choice Xtra" package altogether. Lovely. I've triple-verified. Channel 557 is now grayed out on the on-screen guide. Attempts to record Rectify via On Demand are met with an on-screen "Would you like to add this channel to your programming?" message. And the package-comparison channel list on DTV's web site confirms that Sundance is no longer included in the package. Given that "Choice Xtra" is the most popular (and basically the default) DirecTV package, I suspect that there will be literally dozens of pissed off Rectify viewers wondering what gives. That. That's what gives. Sundance is still available on DirecTV, in all its stretched-and-letterboxed standard-definition 480i glory, as part of the "Premier" and "Ultimate" packages. For me, the "upgrade" would cost $8/mo. And as a practical matter, 10 episodes of Rectify is all that $96/yr would buy me. So, as much as I enjoy this awesome show, I'm afraid that'll be a wrap for me until season 2 hits Netflix. Screw you, DTV.

Production meeting the following day... Tusch: So do you think these fools got the hint? Sooz: Nope. Pretty sure it went right over their heads. Bobby: Do you think we ought to just go ahead and break it to 'em? Alton: Oh please please please let me do it! Tusch, Sooz, Bobby: *shrug* Alton: YES! TO THE GIANT VAG TABLE OF DOOM! - - - - - Alton: So the reason we've called you in is because we don't think you really appreciate the reasons why we chose to put you through those particular challenges yesterday. We need you to know that whichever one of you numbskulls actually ends up "winning" this thing is pretty much gonna be shilling candy bars to an iPhone for as long as we're contractually obligated to keep you around. Because you all suck. I mean REALLY suck. And none of us really give a shit anyway. Sooz: You're gonna have to provide your own phone, by the way. Which one of you has the best phone? Does it have the YouTube app? Sarah: *arms flailing wildly* Mine does! Mine does! I also clearly have the most original and well-developed POV: World peace. Lenny: Now wait just a gosh-darned cotton-pickin' minute there, partner! Less'n I done gone all wonky in the thinkmeat, I do believe y'all told us we'd get an honest-to-goodness tee vee show. Tusch: IT'S A LIMITED-RUN WEB SERIES! THAT COUNTS! I'VE ALREADY RUN IT PAST LEGAL! Lenny: D'aaaaaw, ya double-crossin' varmints! Can we at least negotiate on the product? How 'bout ranch dressin'? Sooz: We already have Melissa D'Arabian for that. Loreal: Pre-packaged deli meats? Tusch: Mauro's got that covered. Emma: Microwaveable frozen entrees? Sooz: Ina. Kenny: *pops head in from backstage* Breakfast trifle? Eh? Eh? Tusch: Ugh. Aunt Sandy. Alton: Look, you're all still missing the point. We gave you a golden opportunity to prove that you could be as culturally-significant to 21st Century America as Rebecca Black, Gangnam Style, or Double Rainbow Guy. And you blew it! None of those videos were the least bit clever, funny or interesting. It was all just a bunch of inane prattle! Bobby: Alright settle down there, Mister Good Eats. Two words: sock puppets. Alton: Oh, bother. Giada: Sorry I'm late, guys. I was giving Luca a big face full of mentoring for the Star Salivation. What'd I miss? Sooz: Dammit! You were supposed to text me! Christopher Lynch: We've got a saying down in New Orleans... "Meh." Seriously, people. Do. Not. Care. How much longer am I required to be here, anyway? Chris Kyler: Yo can I have his spot? Like, I'd still keep my own spot, but take his spot too? Two spots, no problem, I got this. Are the cameras rolling right now? Gimme a candy bar, I'm 'bout to rock this out y'aaaaall! Alright, ready? Let's do this. Hi, I'm Chris and this nougat is gonna BLOW YOUR Alton: *clicks stopwatch* Chris Kyler: Damn. Lenny: I could take my shirt back off if'n ya... Giada, Sooz, Tusch: NO, THANK YOU! Lenny: I think there might still be half a PayDay stuck down under here somewhere, if any of y'all wanna... Giada, Sooz, Tusch: NO!!! Reuben: ManthissucksIcan'tbelieveIshavedmyrighteoushipsterbeardforthistheythinkItalktoofastbutthat'sbullshitI'mjusthighenergyIthoughtthat'swhattheywanted Sooz: ALRIGHT EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY! Sarah... best phone, right? How's your data plan? Sarah: THE BEST!!! I also have several strapless evening gowns that I think will really generate a buzz... Tusch: Whatever. Will you hype the shit out of some Tootsie Rolls? Sarah: With all my heart! Tusch: Well alrighty then. I guess you're The Next Food Network Star. Congratulations. Everybody else: Can we go now? Tusch: Nope! Six more episodes to shoot! Everybody else: Guh.

We DTVers are not seeing it as it's meant to be seen. As of now, DirecTV still doesn't carry Sundance in HD. Which in and of itself is pretty much inexcusable in 2014. But to both stretch the picture horizontally and letterbox the picture at the top and bottom... well, that's just being a dick about it. I compensate by using the "Zoom 1" setting on my HDTV, which at least fixes the stretched-horizontally issue and stops everybody from looking like Stewie Griffin, and hides the letterbox bars off-screen. But the picture quality remains rabbit-ears crappy regardless. Fortunately, the show itself is so unbelievably awesome that I can resist the urge to, just out of principle, refuse to watch it. Still pisses me the hell off, but what are you gonna do? Anyway... Daniel and Kerwin. Wow. Part of me wishes Daniel would just give up and opt to go hang out with his bestie in the afterlife. The only times when Daniel seems truly happy, comfortable and at ease are when he's with Kerwin. Not even Amantha nor Tawny can bring that out in him quite like Kerwin does. Can I also say how much I absolutely love the "Particles" recap format? Those are my favorite. The format itself adds such a whole other layer of enjoyment to what is already great recappage. Love it.

Jack: There's a match scheduled to start within the hour! Chloe: The truck carrying the replacement sod is at least 90 minutes out, Jack. Jack: DAMMIT, CHLOE! WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME! Chloe: *rolls eyes* Fine. *sigh*