CletusMusashi

Nanobots. Nanobots explain everything.

"Xena" was a show without guns. They didn't exist, nobody missed them, and there was no need to explain. "Into the Badwriting" is a show in which guns do exist, but there is a halfassed explanation about why not even the bad guys want to use them. The closest historical equivalent would be feudal Japan, which did do something similar, but they did not, as is frequently claimed "go back to the sword." Swords in many countries were a common sidearm alongside guns right up until World War 1. What the samurais did was go back to the bow. Bushido didn't mean "the art of using a katana." It meant "The way of horse and bow." The primary weapon of the ruling class of Japan was a longbow, which required more training than a gun, and so they didn't want competition from another long range weapon. But in the absence of guns, they still continued to shoot people with arrows, quite often. Also, the samurai class had a very long head start before guns came along, so convincing enemies not to piss off a whole bunch of archers by using a primitive musket was more realistic than convincing them not to piss off a whole bunch of guys armed only with swords and fists by using, say, a machine gun which could kill them all in thirty seconds.

The prison yard had acorns. That would be awesome. And I hope she refuses to shave off the loose ends.

Get him, Carol.

I actually think it's all a scam. "Fear the Walking Dead" was created to make the actual "Walking Dead" look better by comparison. And then "Into the Badlands" was created to do the same thing for "Fear." God only knows what they'll add next. "Comic Book Men in Thongs" perhaps?

Eugene: "You three go on to bed. I'll stand watch. heh heh heh..."

People sometimes accuse me of not taking a show with cookie speeches and zombie parades and Father Pee Pants seriously, but compared to Chris Hardwick I am the most somber, humorless fanboy on the planet. The guy is manic. Yet, still so much better than "Into the Badlands." Shit, even that god damned spinoff was better than "Into the Badlands..." Hyper and obnoxious or not, I don't blame Hardwick a bit for not liking his time slot being poisoned.

That makes very little sense to me. Which means, based on how little sense anything in that scene made to me, that you're probably exactly right. Why does't he just save up some of that nice loud yelling? Next time, they can give the cars a rest and let him lead the parade on a unicycle.

I loved his energy, I loved the fact that he is as entertained by jokes about Merle as we are, and I loved that his first example of what being a fan means is saying "That's stupid!" I guess I'll actually have to look up the other two episodes he's been on.

That? Would be so much fun.

Or it's an abandoned mannequin factory. I mean, unless Batman cartoons have severely lied to me, I understand that it is normal policy for a business that closes down to leave all of its merchandise... and machinery... and to keep paying the electric bill...

They set a forest fire cooking patties with some guy named Neil, and... I think that's their whole story. They seem a little peeved at Neil, though.

Here's what I did at first: I pretended that the motorcycle was a horse. Maybe the animal handler got arrested for trying to make little centaurs and so they couldn't get any actual horses for the show, so they pretended the motorcycle was a horse! Hey, it's no sillier than a guy banging two coconuts together. And the larger vehicles could be chariots and oxcarts and whatnot. But the factory running on oil was problematic for me. Unless it's just because no workers will show up if their biceps aren't sufficiently glistening. At that point the whole thing just started feeling like it was written by twelve year old video gamers.

Only the shittiest of elves have to steal bows from humans. Also, what's all this crap about "kneelers?" Are we on Game of Thrones now?

Even though this is the second time I've watched this thing, after the zombie fell down and Abe stood there sucking on his cigar for a few seconds, part of my brain was still waiting for him to say "I love it when a plan comes together."

I'm actually as OK with Abe and Sasha as I am with Abe and Rosi. It's just the awkwardness of the breakup that puts him in a bad light. I'd have felt better if Rosita herself had upgraded to somebody else, preferably Tara, and then Abe had rebound sex with Sasha. I've noticed before that they have chemistry, plus they've been through enough of the same inner stuff to understand each other. And Sasha does have a thing for alcoholics who overcompensate for their depression by making long speeches that nobody likes! I guess the big question is: if Rosita stops dying and cutting Abe's hair into a perfect red cube, will he end up going to Jessie and turning this show into a real soap opera? But, Paget was not a strong guest... except for the Bizarro Rick thang.

Michael Rooker is great! Can they fire Chris Hardwick and just give the show to Rooker?

I resent this stupid Samurai show for making me realize that I would rather be watching "Talking Dead." And I don't even like "Talking Dead."

Maybe they deliberately ran a really crappy episode in order to make "Into the Badlands" look less stupid. Spoiler Alert: it didn't work.

Dollars to donuts Abraham's ass is itchy because of loose ends

This baron seems familiar. Did Mal Reynolds once land on his planet and fight a duel?

Hey, is that Daryl's motorcycle? So, they have internal combustion vehicles, but not guns, I guess? They sure have Xena sound effects, though.

Did they just forget an entire act?

They took his bike, they took his crossbow. Shave his head while you're at, why don't ya?

Now that I think about it, I would sort of like to see a black baby with Abraham's hair. And mustache.