clubsauce

I can’t anymore with the relationship metaphors. No, paddling on a bamboo raft down a crowded river with someone is NOT representative of the challenges one faces in marriage. Neither is bungee jumping off a bridge. Or rappelling down a building. Just stop with that inane storyline. Marriage is freaking HARD. Jackasses.

Loved Ryan in Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Ryan’s salute at the end was so cringey. I’ve never seen someone do one with such over the top flourish, making him look simultaneously smug and dorky. So slappable.

Is it possible for anyone on this show who stands on the bow of a boat to NOT yell “I’m king of the world!” Please? I’m begging.

Is there any way to add the word “genre” to the group name?

Leo = Liev Schreiber (wearing a disguise) + Fabio + Kenny G

Becca to all the guys: But enough about me. What do YOU think about me? i guess it’s psychologically impossible not to get a crazy enlarged ego on a show with this set up, but dang.

I feel that if Jordan is a producer plant (he HAS to be, right?), then he should at least be a little funnier. His quips and mispronunciations just seem so aggressively bland.

That was a rerun, right? Because it felt like we’d seen ALL of this before! * Wrong reasons * “I can’t believe she kept a guy in a mask (shark costume, riding a pig, with a man-bun) over me” * journey And the cocktail party is usually over when dawn is breaking, but the lighting looked like full-on daylight. Evil!!!

My brain insisted that Lynn was male. I thought, “Oh, like Lynn Swann.” I think it’s because she looks a lot like my college boyfriend.

And why does he walk so slowly? It was like a horror movie! Or he has a bad back. Also, freaking LEAVE when someone asks you to, you stupid idiot!

Why do we have to go through with the pretense of that EXACT same fantasy suite invitation every damn time?? Like we think that Chris gets his special stationery and calligraphy markers out and thoughtfully crafts each note, wondering to himself who will forgo and who won’t.

Bekah’s dry cry was so fake. Squeeze out one actual tear, hon!

Krystal’s hair, doughy make up, wardrobe, acting, and breathy sighs weren’t even a good idea when they were first done by Special Guest Stars on The Love Boat. Gross. Arie’s kissing noises this week? Gross. Grampa Cardigan Possum leering at women while making them compete for his attention in skimpy costumes? Gross. How I feel about myself for watching? Gross. How I feel about myself for looking forward to next week already? Eh, not that bad.

Ugh—I’m so embarrassed. I hate when I miss an in-joke!

I was fast forwarding through commercials and went too far and could have sworn I saw Arie LICK a bowling ball. I thought to myself, “Ha! Imagine if that happened? That would be so funny\gross!!” So I rewound it and OH MY GOD HE LICKED A BOWLING BALL!!! Also, stop with the freaking screaming, ladies!

Ugh, Arie, we get it, you’re a face-holder. Such a one trick pony.

Congratulations to the new Jeopardy champ Gus Fring!

The bumper car ptsd reminded me of the Sweeney Sisters lounge singers skit from 1980s SNL. One sister got emotional during their performance remembering the trauma of the time she “got a bad perm.”

Why was Arie wearing a grandpa costume after the demolition derby?

It looked like the rose ceremony ended even later in the morning than usual! I would be crying even if I got a rose. I’m mostly upset that they changed the name/occupation/age font.

Matching outfits for Arie’s Brother and Mrs. Arie’s Brother. No. And why? And...just no.

Thank you! This is exactly how I feel!

I am aware of the fact that this is a game show, not life and death, and by no means expect him to look "stricken" when he loses a lot of money. It's that his "oh whatever" attitude strikes me as an affectation. His whole being seems like an affectation.

The "oh, whatever" hand waves, pointing to his money total after a win and gloating, boredly bopping his head to the final jeopardy music. Obviously YMMV, but he just seems so pleased with himself. He comes across (to me) as someone who thinks he is being cute and clever when in reality he is unfunny and tiresome. Just kind of tone deaf to how he might be coming across.