smartyshorts

Peach we are all glad you are safe. Now throw some 'bows and swallow the involuntary gag reflex from Neander-sode and try to give your adoring faithful readers what they want so much! Seriously, just happy you're safe.

No one has mentioned WHY are the RapeCrew even wasting resources looking for or trying to get Noah back? I understand Dawn has this whole "pay for your stay" thing, but seems like wasting people, gas and possibly bullets to get back a kid you consider too weak to survive on the outside? Are you scared he's going to call the cops on you? Do they think he's got connections on the outside? He said he'd been there a year. Cut you losses RapeCrew. Sasha, I don't feel bad. You played dumb, you won a dumb prize. I kept. Yelling at her to Check Behind You Fool!! Could someone from Rape Cross Regional Medical center drive by and scoop up Father Pee Pants? He'd fit in great as a ward of that crew.

Welcome, Bubble Sparkly, we will be sure to have a montage of you sometime next week complete with cheesy pop music about hearts and giving and sadness. There will be slo mo longing looks and yearning glances and spinning. Oh the spinning! I don't have much more to offer than what my esteemed colleagues have already discussed. The "fashion show" was a normal FC ho hum non event. Four gowns that looked like Project Runway All stars 2 day couture challenge contestants made them. Nothing wow about them, not color, not fit, material...nothing. The styling was even boring. It looked like a fashion show in a church basement. I know I wouldn't pay 10 grand for any of those Macy's prom dresses. The runway was so short it seemed like all the models wouldn't be able to 'line up behind the lead model". Maya can take a room full of seats, but I guess this is just who she is now. I agree with Eric that Rick needs to man up. I don't agree with the carrot he's dangling on a stick to get Rick to do it. I liked Rick's (heartfelt?) apology to Caroline, I don't think she should accept it though.

STFU HFTF. During Hope and Ivy's pose off I kept hearing RuPaul critiquing it all. "Ladies, that is NOT the tea. Sashay.... Away". I had a good time mimicking their signature model moves though, Ivy arm crossed over her body, hand grabbing the opposite arm just above the elbow then both hands on hips, elbows pushed forward. Hope is leaned back, one hand on hip, one hand on face head turned back over her shoulder. My BF and I had a serious giggle over the Fearsome Foursome. The boat ride was hella lame. Unless they just steer to some other romantic dock..get down below, close those Oh So Important privacy curtains and... Get down!

Team Livly!!

You are not alone, nasir jones, I am here with you. Maya is a stage 7 clinger, Barnacle class and she's just going to be nasty to anyone and everyone who doesn't support the new "Them", that happened a few hours ago. And it will be awesome and epic when she finally gets her face cracked in a few weeks. Rick's always been a pissy little whiner, even when he is compelling. So par for the course right there. And we've had all these location shoots for non-starting marriages, could we go visit the Forrester Bros on the Oregon ranch? See them fly fishing, watch Eric nearly hook himself in the face, enjoy some of brother Joe's effusive flirtings with local waitresses and shop owners? Please? Could he be working his OWN agenda to take over Forrester? I don't know, but he and his plucky daughter are a breath of fresh air in this depressing Bel Aire 1 percenter repetitive blah-fest. So more of them, less of Hope Da Dope. Much less. Like none. Shut up about how anyone should be treating your ex, miss. Since you treated him so abysmally. Shut up about what anyone else should be doing. Shut up about everything. Forever. Or at least until you grow up. I can't wait for this Paper Princess to have to deal with colic.

Myrna can take a seat like yesterday. "If I was your wife, I'd be scamming on your Dad by now!" I'm pretty sure we saw the EXACT SAME conversation between Hope, Wope, Mamma Fooler and Deekun for three or four episodes in a row. Can we move on to something else? We get it. Hope don't want none of what Quinnsane is selling. Wyatt wants to keep getting laid, so he's all about it too. Deacon wants to keep getting laid so he's down with whatever Quinn wants. Could we finally have someone DO something?

Oh Helll to the NAW! To all of that mess. All. Of. It. I don't think there is anything going on that doesn't give me the itchy hives. Maybe MAYBE the downright bubbly Fred Willard, but he seems to be sucked into the outer ring of the vortex that is What Would Hope Logan-Spencer Do? So did Brooke leave already? One day she's telling her Beribboned sister that she left the rest of her spaghetti in the Tupperware on the bottom shelf in the fridge...and oh yeah, see if that old Bill Spencer still fits... Now she's just gone?

Anna Yolei I hope that's not your drawin' arm! We need some couture up in here like yesterday. The Ridge and Caro think is skeeving me out big time. But I do want to see a spectacular 4 dress fashion show that does NOT feature all Hope at all times in all of the outfits. She can take all of the seats and be quiet for a while. While grown folks conduct business. And by grown folks I don't mean Deacon fake pining over Brooke. No amount of flashback fuckery is ever going to make it anything but stomach churning. Hey Ivy...there's Carter, right over there. Sexy and single and not on the Hopeless tilt a whirl! Maya and Charlie need to team up listening at doors, hiding behind potted plants, calling in international favors while running an underground PI firm in the Forester Creations basement.

Thank you for mentioning this, KLoves . Liam stomping around flailing his arms and emoting with volume while Hope pulled her sleeves over her wrists made me forget about this little tidbit. Given the timing of her missed cycle, chances are greater that its actually Liam's. Is in-show time so wonky that we're supposed to believe the wedding took place months ago, even though everyone...and I mean EVERYONE is obsessing about it like it happened yesterday? Please let Ivy be up to something interesting. Maybe she's lettin Dr Quinn know that she can get into her private sanctuary whenever she wants. And because there's never enough WTF about this... Why in blazes is Maya there at that meeting, in that office, with those people. Wouldn't it make more sense for ALY to be there? She's been hard core shipping Lope since she arrived, but her new friend/cousin would be hurt by another reunion. Wouldn't we want to see ALY's conflict over this news (and maybe there'd be ONE person who would be furious for Ivy's sake and not be slathering over Devine Quinnterruption of the Love that Outshines the Stars!!)?

I can't tell you how I laughed and laughed every time Liam scrunched up his little puppy face over being Manipulated and Cheated and how the Universe isn't FAIR! He sounded like a petulant toddler. "how could this HAPPEN??" Your One True Love was banging your half brother daily for weeks, yo. "None of this is your fault (To Hope)". Except for all of it. Every single bit being her fault. Her choice. Her conscious actions. Is it just a case of Liam just not being able to admit, even to him self, that they've BOTH been wasting their time trying to get to or get back to this idealized relationship? Same for thousand yard stare Hope, since everyone has said at least twice in the past few days that there is JUST NO WAY Hope will stay with Chicken Head, how can she possibly save face? Oh my head hurts with the utter stupidity of it all. I would just go hang with a couple of 12 to 15 year old hormonal girls if I want my dramas screamed at me in tears. And seriously, is there ANY other storyline going on right now? Anything?

I was yelling out Preach it Quinnsane, everytime Quinn threw down a nugget of truth for Hope to stare vacantly at. Oh Wyatt, how's it feel to know that you weren't second choice you were just a choice. If Bill and Quinn got together I'm pretty sure they coulod rule the damn world, they are some smooth talkers! Politicians and publicists and Fox News could take some lessons.

Oh NOOOOES, the manipulations, they BURN. In all seriousness, the issue isn't "We wuz Robbed." The issue is, instead of going off alone to have a pout, or even having a weekend sex romp with whomever, or getting a tattoo...Hope's reaction to getting stood up was to go off and MARRY someone else. THAT DAY (or however long the flight to the yacht took). Not to call or text Liam some drunken rant, or blog about faithless undependable fiances, no...she went on vacation and said YES to a marriage proposal and wedding with someone else. Who am I kidding, Liam did practically the same thing not too long ago. But neither of them has LEARNED from any of that. And it is incredibly frustrating. This isn't just the first or second or even THIRD time that some "outside" influence has obstructed the One True Love. Now, if only Hope would say, that sucks about Quinn, but I'm gonna stay married to this crazy ostrich and probably get pregnant next week because he wants to. By the way, please send the keys to your house by messenger, and be cleared out at the end of the week. Make a decision and stick to it! ANY decision;. Then go on a psycho rampage with your "loony" mother in law. Yay and Aly and Oliver sighting! Now that everyone knows, how's the whole "$Bill keps the secret" thing going to play out? What was the point of all that? Charlie'd better sleep with one eye open, Quinn don't play that mess. Poor Ivy. I hear Carter is single! Make it happen, show!

Speaking of Liam's vegetarianism...when did that even happen? Wasn't he barbequeing or making some special BBQ sauce on the day Steffy took to the freeway on her crotch rocket and lost baby Spencer? I remember for some reason they kept cutting to him in the cottage kitchen tasting something on a spoon by stabbing at it with his tongue like a lizard. So about this house swap...both Wyatt AND Bill are complete assholes here. Bill never should've asked, and in such a backhanded way (with the obligatory cross promotion for Thursday Night Football of course! No one comes over with chicken and pizza for the season premier of The Big Bang Theory.) But Wyatt showing up 10 minutes later like "Why aren't you packing?" That was beyond BEYOND. Why do Wype need more space a WEEK after getting married? I wouldn't want to live in the beach shack either when I have to store my towels on the porch (did I imagine that? Is that a thing?) The Ghosting that Ridge is doing to Caroline has moved firmly into Creepy Town. Everytime he's got his massive bear paw on her hand screaming "NO, NOT there. WHY would you DO that? Wrong, wrong WRONG!" And she's looking adoring in one moment, and like she's going to cry/vomit in the next moment, I start thinking he's going to choke her and try to steal her soul or something. Myna, please do something interesting soon.

Damn but Myrna is on some other shit these days. I can't believe how she boldly sidled up to her ex, eyelashes a'batting and started asking about another dude. Kind of the same ballsy bitch that Dope is for whining to her new husband of a week about how her sensitive ex fiance shouldn't be kissing other girls! Ridge's possessive presumtive douchiness must be catching. Count me as another viewer shocked by Quinn's blatant admission of pushing Ivy into the river. What's her motivation for doing that? What's Bill's real motivation for keeping the secret? Hasn't he been burned enough by half truths and omissions? Is he just placating Quinn til she flies out the window on her Crazy Broom? Why did Rick have a model waiting just outside the door in a Zero t-shirt?

How would Hope know that Wyatt is or isn't allergic to cats? Didn't he only tell Liam that? And she really doesn't know either one of them well, only how they make her feel. She was cracking me up with her little talk to Ivy the other day..."Liam feels things very deeply". Unlike other people who have no feelings, suffer no consequences and can't ever admit they are wrong, I guess. Beesh, how would you even KNOW? Oh Hope, just lay down in the chicken feather lined bed that you made and shut up about everything and everyone else. Has anyone even floated the idea that the problem isn't that Hope didn't wait an extra 5-7 minutes. Its that her soul crushing disappointment resulted in her travelling to another country, and getting married THAT DAY to someone else. When even her family didn't know where she was or what she was doing. Could Liam start smiling and stop Doping around already? This I a SOAP, lets get some shirts off and get in the sheets already!

Team Ivy over here too. Or at least Team STFU Hope. Who would pursue someone after a breakup like the one they had? That would be smiling Chicken headed fool you are MARRIED to right now! I just can't with this little girl.

Did you know Ridge is a world renowned fashion designer? All of Forrester creations would crumble into the Pacific if he didn't design some couture (we will just forget that he was MIA for over a year and everything seemed to go just fine, did he email in some drawings or something?) But if someone somewhere doesn't see at least ONE penciled figure wearing a skirt, heads WILL roll. maybe if he held his pencil like a writing instrument and not like a giant mixing spoon he's trying to eat a bowl of cereal with...but I digress. So what does the "ghosting" of Caroline's drawings portend? He 'steals' her designs? He convinces her to submit her designs under his name? Does he disappear for another "walkabout" and Caroline designs the couture line again? Maybe he can go to the 'treatment facility' that Quinn used! She's all better now, see! Widened eyes and a non threatening hand on her chest mean she totes means ALL of her apologies and she'll never ever EVER do it again! (Pinky swear). Is Deacon high? All the time. And GodDAMMIT if Brooke doesn't SAY something, I will stab her with Bill's cocktail sword. Everythime Deacon comes over and starts talking nonsense, she just looks at him like WTF, but she never SAYS anything. So is she thinking...WTF, but maybe? Oh, and a quick addition...shut up Maya.

Someone in the universe loves me because I saw, rewound, watched again...again...again, and then twomore times before I had to go to work this afternoon, and I couldn't stop laughing for the whole ride; Bob Barker basically pulling a Ridge style sucker punch on old Cat Hatin Chicken Head was the best thing I've seen on TV since the Doctor Who season premier. From the "Spay and neuter your pets", to the off screen audience reactions (the oooohhhs, and aaaahsss playing in the background like it was the Maury show or a particularly tense showcase showdown.) Everything about it was comedy gold worthy of a skit on The Carol Burnett show. I wish an octagenarian would come one the show and punch people out regularly. Betty white needs to open hand slap that empty headed Hope!

Dear Lordt I couldn't stop laughing at this turn of phrase. I think women are attracted to Liam because he's like a non threatening boy they can hang with and not worry he's trying to look down their shirt. Because he's so chivalrous, and a gentleman and all that...doncha know? Oh how I pray for a barely contained rage toast from Ally. And I missed some stuff (I wasn't paying attention) but did Ally ever express how disappointed or mad she was with HOPE? I find it hilarious that Ridge cant even draw a vaguely humanoid stick figure anymore. He might as well get out the Crayolas and start scribbling all over the page like a toddler.

When Quinn grabbed the crumpled papers from Ridge's trashcan all I could think of was the ending scenes of the video for "Take On Me" If they'd been playing that song in the background while she smoothed them out for her and Deacon's perusal, I would have dropped my own self out of a helicopter that would've been so sweet. I had the sound way down for most of the show, when I realized...hey No Hope and her paramour of the Day. So I turned up the sound and they were all ...Talking about Hope! Ugh. Can't wait for this "Thanks for inviting us, your loving family to your wedding. Here's a gravy boat" party

Montage-A- Pallooza! All that was missing was a flashback of Quinn and Deacon meeting in a bar, and talking over the Bubblin' Cauldron. Hell they could flash back to what happened yesterday, as they often do. With some specially recorded sinister but still sappy music playing in the background. Gotta loce $Bill telling Liam what he is NOT gonna do. Go ahead, get lit up drunk Liam and tell Hope that since she was OBVIOUSLY never really in love with you as much as she's in love with herself that you hope she's happy with the choice she made. I hope they're not crazy enough to invite Aly. although I'm sure someone will. And I hope she has an Epic EPIC meltdown at HOPE. Because that dimwitted Princess deserves to get SOMEone's wrath. It can't be 100% ego stroking lollipops and unicorns ALL the time, can it? Can there be one person on the canvas who just Can't. Stand. Hope?

If I never see Jermaine Fowler of Donnell Rawlings ever again, on TV or in life, that would be a-ok with me. I will need twice the Funches to make up for the bad BAD taste they left behind. Shart week, indeed.

So, after this "wedding" is declared invalid. Or when Hope decides she wants stable "marriage and kids" Liam back, can we have another failed attempt in Switzerland? Or Rio? Maybe that sack of moldy rocks Maya and Carter can try again in some exotic locale too. The stories are so annoyingly boring and predictable, now its all about where will the next marriage FAIL take place? Can we have Ivy and Liam get revenge engaged in Australia? They haven't been there yet, have they? And can Quinn dress up like Natasha from Rocky and Bullwinkle some more? Could Kermit and the gang run through and sing some catchy songs, or offer relationship advice? If we have to deal with this juvenile claptrap, at least make the setting interesting.

I was relieved when Rick FINALLY brought up the possiblility that Hope was with Wyatt. i was afraid the Scooby Doo gang would never put that particulat two and two together. I am so over it with these near misses and misunderstandings...but Ooooh, a giant yacht! Beautiful Monte Carlo, The Riviera...cute Boat crew...Oh the locations the location the LOCATIONS. Keep up the LOCATIONS! Have they been to the Alps yet? Thailand? So is Hope in such a snit that she turned her phone off? And didn't let anyone even in her FAMILY know where she was going and with whom? So they can just speculate on what might've happened to her after her arduous 10 minute wait near the Eiffel Tower? Even Wyatt was taking calls from his Mom, but oh no...Hope is just too disappointed and devastated to pick up what had to be multiple phone calls from Forrester Int'l or her mother. I wish she would get violently kidnapped (thats horrible, I know). When Quinn was gloating at her cafe table, I was waiting for her to say "Oh, Liam, you're such a DUMMY"