Aerobicidal

"I think the fact that you kind of overcooked the peppers and the corn is actually creating this beautiful sort of depth of flavor." "I like the appeal of this dish." I'm paying attention to about 2 percent of this season but it's nice to know that the judges are at least as incoherent as ever.

I've been sitting out most of this season but started watching it in the background a couple of weeks ago and I'm ready to pay (more) attention for the last few episodes--which predictably means my eyes will be permanently rolled so far back in my head I'll be blind until this point next year. That being said, I've grown to like Andy as a judge and I've always liked Poh, and I couldn't even guess what the other two judges' names are (although the French guy is a huge improvement from Amaury to me, maybe not in terms of reputation but in terms of not making me want to throw things at the TV). Everything about Pezza has already been said here; it doesn't require much space as he's basically what you would get if a template of 100 former contestants got created by ChatGPT and a 3D printer complete with big blokey hands and buttons set to "me don't know what to serve with me meat" and "the missus and me family . . . [cue sob story]" but it's too predictable to bother me after all these years. I do think it was a minor miracle to hear "Epoisses" pronounced correctly so many times, and--yeah, it smells strong--but it's a classic go-to item for high end French/European trained chefs and delicious on its own so adding it to gnocchi seems like a very safe choice--I guess that's why Harry got the missus of his own, after all. (Also, that storyline . . . and Andy trying to sound literate about beast taming--just no!) I do feel like at this point, the level of food reflected pretty poorly on the contestants given that (in my never so humble opinion) these ingredients are not in actuality all that challenging. However, I've seen so little of the season that even a Pezza win would barely register as annoying especially considering Justin and Emma (sorry to anyone who has forgotten them--if so, I'm jealous). I think that with a stronger group of cooks, this show still has everything it needs to be more enjoyable than the vast majority of cooking shows I have access to, but I would say the same about the most recent season of Top Chef, and that show has far fewer excuses.

Totally agree. I couldn't make it through more than about half of this show, but my main takeaways were very similar. They've now had three seasons focused on Reynold, plus the million times he's been referenced or featured as a judge, and the only thing I approve of is that he's never won. Between Mel's word salads, Amaury's skintight shirts, and Reynold's hubris, everything else just got lost. I also don't understand why the editors kept featuring Amaury calling food "sexy" at the beginning of the season and then ditching the creeper edit, although maybe it resumed after I stopped watching. Regarding the interview with Reynold, I read it all and he didn't come across that badly (and I am absolutely not his fan). However, it's mind-boggling to me that he had the nerve to criticize the show at all after it's made him famous and, seemingly, loved by most viewers despite past actions that would potentially cancel him* forever in the U.S.--so good luck if he wants to move here. That being said, I liked most of the contestants and would be happy to see them as judges or hosts or guests on cooking shows. Watching them compete didn't work for me. *I have no opinion on whether this would be a good or bad thing--just pointing it out. His apology for his homophobic comments sounded sincere, but some corresponding actions/activism would mean a lot more, IMO.

Things we’ve learned this season: thongs are outerwear, cone bras are back, hoo-ha zippers are necessary, clothing that’s impossible to walk in is fierce, and now androgynous menswear has never existed ever before in the entire history of clothing. “Don’t rip your butt out.” If I had a buffalo nickel for every time I heard that phrase . . . Nice to see Brittany is wearing an outfit from the Forever 21 x FLDS church collection for the runway. Brittany’s look had the most stunning bow tie I’ve seen on TV since this: "Laurence, your body-hugging leather faux bulletproof vest that no one who spends less than fifteen hours a week in a gym would wear, with no shirt underneath, with exposed upper groin area and maxi-kilt, was too reserved." Stop trying to make "peacock" into a verb! Brittany will win this season before that could happen! The winner and loser actually made sense, which I assume will never happen again, but if it does, I fully plan to peacock.

Congrats to Laurence for winning with Hoo-Ha Zipper 2: Electric Boogaloo. (I agree she belonged in the top three, but I was happier that Bishmé didn't go because I'm rooting for him to win.) However, I expect Laurence to create a finale collection that is impossible to put on, impossible to walk in, yet incredibly easy to remove or turn into an NSFW sensation with the yank of a zipper and/or the ejection of a cone bra. And that would entertain me--a lot--in its own way.

Unless Tim Gunn magically appeared and screamed, "Don't defend the whickety-whack!" to Kara Saun, which she would have had the freedom to ignore anyway, there was no saving her tonight. I'm going to skip over the politics and story arcs of this episode (which generally resonate with me, but it's not why I watch reality TV) so feel the freedom to criticize me if I'm trivializing anything. I loved how the judges were like "Laurence can cut a skirt that's impossible to walk in but the model still manages." First of all, I'm not sure the impressive talent they're praising is Laurence's. Second, a leather maxi skirt featuring a contrast-color high-cut panty and a hoo-ha zipper is . . . well, I don't know what it is. A garment manifesting freedom in all its luxurious vulgarity. “What happens with the top?” “The top is out at the back.” I love how every episode has lines like that. It makes me feel free--so free, in fact, that I will start nonchalantly stealing potted plants every time I see one in public.

Anna’s confessional look is making me wonder which season Yohji Yamamoto’s ready-to-wear collection was inspired by Mrs. Havisham, because I missed it and it’s giving me death—in a good way. “Flexible, light, washable” = a leather and wool jumpsuit?! Laurence, why not make it a tribute to this season’s prior WTFery and add cone boobs, a built-in backpack, a bedazzled jockstrap, and the bachelorette party novelty pajamas that Hester wore the day they got eliminated. I know that’s what I would find comfortable and appropriate for a physically active job on a yacht. I approve of the return of Project Drunkway. Now I need someone to say “I didn’t steal the bitch’s dye” over a GIF of Austin Scarlett luxuriantly putting on tube socks and I’ll be in season one ecstasy. As problematic as Laurence’s concept sounds, her model is giving me Honey I Shrunk the Fabio realness with no low flying bird incidents in sight, although I wouldn’t put that on the top (in any sense of the word “top”). “It’s a good outfit for working on the engine.” We can end popular culture now because no one will ever be more unqualified to make a judgment about anything than Brandon saying that (perhaps even if he was being facetious). The judging is a master class in real and potential oxymorons: Functional romper, captain kimono, sweaty silk, neoprene stomach . . . friendly fire, old news, reality television, sweet potato my ass! I think this should have been a triple elimination, but at least Kara Saun isn’t getting a free pass with seemingly improvised narrative justifications that are just as unconvincing as Christopher Straub’s were in the season where he got eliminated twelve episodes too late.

When this person says "I would wear all of these outfits" . . . . . . Project Runway can be canceled because no funnier (intentional or not) shade will ever be expressed by a judge. (I appreciated her general self-awareness, although I would appreciate it more if she had been blissfully un-self aware ala Hester.) Speaking of cancelations, Prajjé's look reminded me of when County Seat closed in 1999 after they commissioned an ungodly all-jumpsuit collection in collaboration with Marithé + François Girbaud and Z. Cavaricci. Speaking of ungodly, after cone boobs already won a challenge, now thirty minute bleached mini-cone boobs win a challenge. It's problematic! Cancel it! I was glad Rami got the save, even if it contradicts the spirit of my other thoughts on this episode.

Between last week’s winner and this week’s theme, this is turning into Braject Runway. I’m fine with it even if it made me remember Santino’s German lingerie nightmare. I used to be in a death metal band called Bleeding Nipple Corset, but I’m not sure that’s the breast inspiration for this challenge. “Maybe it’s not a top. Maybe it’s a garment that looks like a top.” Excuse me while I go copyright that phrase and launch a brand called Gaybelline and that will be the slogan. “You’re wearing briefs, floral lace shorts, a harness, and a kimono. What are you going to do next?” “I’m going to Costco!” It was probably a good idea for Korto to rethink her LDS kinky teatime ensemble, especially because I think that was the name of something International Male sold back in the late ‘90s. So far, the two post-Hester challenges are making me wonder if the rest of the season is going to continue trolling Hester with things they thought would be in their wheelhouse. Next week, an outfit that tries so hard, it actually cringes. After that, a look for a future Amy Sedaris character. The judges’ comments for Prajjé sound like they were generated by a chatbot sent to “pseudo-intellectual bullshit.” I don’t mean that as an insult or a compliment. Many of the quotes from Anna and Paulina Porizkova this episode remind me of this, which wouldn’t at all be out of place from someone wearing underwear as outerwear.

Neither! At least it's over.

When I think of the concept “TLC meets MC Hammer,” I imagine a narrative involving someone festooned with wrapped condoms walking down a crowded street, eliciting reactions such as “can’t touch that” and “you’ve got to pray just to make it today.” It’s unfortunate Hester was eliminated last week, as undoubtedly she would have used this challenge to create Hypercolor bike shorts, a “flannel” shirt created by weaving Zubaz fabric with slap bracelets, Doc Martens made from interior pieces of an Eddie Bauer Ford Explorer, and a tribrid fanny pack/chain wallet/single earring made from Girbaud crotch labels. Brittany is only capable of speaking in cliches, but I would appreciate it if she used ‘90s cliches for this particular episode. For instance, instead of “teamwork makes the dream work,” she could adapt it to, “This is an AB conversation so C your way out. NOT!” Christian got the memo, at least. His red jacket has pockets custom designed to carry a Discman, a first generation Blackberry, a pager, a Jerry Springer: Too Hot for TV VHS tape, and a bottle of Debbie Gibson’s Electric Youth perfume. The red team’s collection is like an Uzbek dictator saw one Spice Girls video in 1997 and decided to create a reality show called Idol of Tashkent Area and Exurbs to form a girl group to record a hi-energy song about his horse to play during propaganda videos. This is what they’d wear when performing live at Islam Abduganiyevich Karimov’s palace. “Does that top work?” is yet another eminently useable title for memoirs by past, present, and future contestants from this program. The blue team’s final collection is very Snap!, as in “The Power” and also “Oh snap! This is so ‘90s it’s making Linda Richman verklempt.” (Korto’s look was a bit don’t go there to me, but I won’t nitpick as that would be way harsh, Tai.) I’m hoping this show inspires a line of garments with Dawson’s Creek Trapper Keepers attached to them. I’ll take one in every color. “Distracting space buns” was basically my fashion and life concept for the ‘90s. And anyone who disagrees can talk to the hand. Psych! I was ready to admit that the judging made sense to me—mostly because I’ve been slamming Zima for the last five hours—but then they announced the winner.

This episode raised a number of questions about what substances the editors and producers of this show have been bathing in this year, but the main one is this: Why give Declan by far the best edit of anyone on the season if they knew he would (somewhat shockingly) lose out just before the finals? Maybe Rhiannon asked them to because she wanted to join Malissa in witness protection. I have no other theories. Well, I have one--this final guarantees Brent will win by a country mile. Although I'm guessing it will be edited to make it seem down-to-the-last-second. Do I want to watch 90 more minutes of a woman with thirty words in her vocabulary cook food that admittedly (by the judges!) lacks refinery, lacks originality, and totally lacks any sort of control of flavors except "more is more because that's my personality"? Does anyone? I do hope Declan gets to succeed in a career in the food world on his own terms, and I would bet a lot of money he's more likely to than Rhiannon (and quite a few actual winners of past seasons).

This episode was okay except I didn't need to see Curtis again, the dish looked boring and heart attack inducing, Rhiannon is still there, Rhiannon is still talking, Brent is still smug, Declan's unique linguistic choices are quirky but I don't like quirky, the episode was at least 42 minutes too long, no one was eliminated, Brent won the advantage, it doesn't matter who won the advantage because the final two are already clear, we have to wait another day for there to actually be an official final two, I'm going to be upset if Brent wins in the finale, I never want to hear the word "beautiful" again, and after this season hearing a round of applause is likely going to make me irate for the rest of my life. So, all in all, a good time.

Rhiannon: “I need lyrics on the screen when I do karaoke to ‘Absolutely Everybody’ because I haven’t memorized them even though I’ve been singing it for twenty-throoii years. But I’m sure my palate will guide mooii through this challenge.” Theo has been spending 140 minutes failing to peel off his squid membrane but the judges are concerned about Declan having to spend five minutes redoing his bacon and pipis? Do the producers think the average viewer has an IQ lower than room temperature? Between Forrest Gump and room temperature? Lord honey, the condescension! “I’ve gotta peel my penis” is possibly the greatest contribution this show will ever make to popular culture. I will immediately order a hoodie, throw rug, and platter with that phrase emblazoned on it the moment they are available (and no matter how expensive shipping from Australia is). Declan helping Theo out with his membrane is heartwarming on one level, but the dialogue is possibly the most homoerotic thing I’ve witnessed this year, and that includes a trip to Pride, a drag show, and watching Drag Race episodes from like seven countries. As much as the level of cooking this season has made me grumpy, I will say that the final five (annoying accents from some aside) have all come across really well, although Brent’s edit has been a bit whiplash-inducing. However, I feel a lot of empathy for him and would default to blaming the editors for anything negative. If Rhiannon makes the finals, I take back everything nice, positive, complimentary, and non-snarky I have ever said about this show—and everything else on Earth—in my life.

My heart ached and I got tears in my eyes seeing the pictures of Theo's daughter, Declan's twin sister, the little dogs, and Little Alfie. (Is Alfie his middle name?) (Sorry if this is too snarky but . . . 46 episodes, no elimination until tomorrow, I need a flute of bubbly.) Declan said "bangin'" and I now need three entire bottles of bubbly to flush any memories of Justin Narayan from my psyche. At minute 19 it became obvious that Brent would win this challenge. That's probably better than average for this season, but I would appreciate it if the production staff edited this show with the assumption that some viewers are not foxy morons. Somewhere Emma Dean is watching Rhiannon's noodle fail and thinking, I could have made top four in this season too! I did enjoy this footage of Rhiannon doing karaoke. "A profound respect for what you love, and in innate ability to bring it to us." Good to see that Mel has been spiking her water with THC and/or MDMA. Sober judging would be more tedious than a Bodum without a plunger "Rhiannon, your half cup of broth with store-bought noodles is modern, excellent, and competitive because you added finger limes." Give me a bloody break. And I say that as a huge fan of laksa. Andy: "Aromats. Proud is pride of aromats proud plating. Thank you for aromatically doing what I proudly told you to do. Aromats." Marco Pierre White couldn't have said it any better. I'm kind of excited for tomorrow's episode because someone could seriously bomb it and the judges wouldn't be able to pretend it was stunning, beautiful, and perfect. Do I think that will happen? No. Do I think that Rhiannon will be eliminated? Well--of course, but if she doesn't, things will be a little more interesting