erikdepressant

Dairy Queen is on my boycott list.

After Neil Clark Warren steps down, the sequel will be eHarmony: Age of Cawowine. "There are no stwings on me..."

Over in the "Class, Gender, Race" thread, Neurochick posted the "YouTube Music - Alex's Theme" commercial. It's not the same song, but when I saw the video, it reminded me of the music in the "Men at Twerk" prank:

I always roll my eyes at the "Do Not Attempt" fine print in commercials, but if I had to pick a time that it would be needed: The fine print cautions us to "Always Take Safety Precautions." In this case, that's a helmet. I bet Tony is the last manny her parents hire from care.com. ETA: I just noticed she put on knee pads. She'll be fine.

"When you write something down, you're 42% more likely to make it happen." I was writing "Tomorrow I'll be even longer" on the daily Post-it notes that I stuck to my inner thigh, but it didn't work.

If she turned away from them and let one rip, would they feel that?

I've only seen this Entenmann's Little Bites commercial once. I hated it immediately. It's so retro, it's borderline quaint. The whole vibe is early 1980's. Mom lovingly arranged the pouches of muffins in a bowl (as all of our mothers would have); the bowl looks like it's almost overflowing, and all of the pouches are right-side-up and facing the camera. The bowl sits next to the product box, also lovingly displayed. Could her daughter be more precious? And boys will be boys! The adorable scamp seems mischievous, but Mom approves of his antics, because Little Bites are wholesome. I could only find the long version of the commercial to post. In the short version I saw on TV, the subplot with the son (0:17 to 0:22) was cut out. So, that sequence went: daughter offers a Little Bite to female Random Asian Kid, and then they both inexplicably giggle. That actually was appropriate for the throwback feel of the commercial.

Liberty Mutual would not have raised your insurance rates, if that had ruined your perfect driving record.

Sorry to steer the conversation away from butts, but the Opdivo ads that are aired every other commercial break are driving me bonkers. I don't know much about clinical trials, and I've never taken a statistics class. In their "Longer Life" commercial, the fine print reads "In a clinical trial, OPDIVO reduced the risk of dying by 41% compared to chemotherapy (docetaxel)." What does "risk of dying" actually mean, if it's not the same thing as "number of deaths?" I'm having more trouble understanding the fine print on their "Most Prescribed Immunotherapy" commercial: "In a clinical trial of squamous patients, half of those on OPDIVO were alive at 9.2 months versus 6 months for chemotherapy (docetaxel)." And "In a clinical trial of non-squamous patients, half of those on OPDIVO were alive at 12.2 months versus 9.4 months for chemotherapy (docetaxel)." At first glance, I thought they meant "You have a 50/50 chance of living an extra three months." I just don't understand why they didn't word it like "At 12 months, X% of Opdivo patients and Y% of chemo patients were still alive." Did they stop tracking a group when half its patients died? Or did the survival rate even out between the two groups after 50% fatality? Or were all the patients dead at 12.3 months? A few months ago, I learned about how the Number-Needed-to-Treat may indicate that medications are far less effective than advertised. Does anyone know why the commercial would word the survival-rate time-frame that way?

Off topic, but I saw an episode of House Hunters set in the South where the realtor said "floor" as a three-syllable word, like "fuh-lo-wur."

Her boss didn't need the Hiney brush anymore, because his subordinates' noses performed the same function.

She probably didn't need it at all. I'm guessing a Shiney Hiney sales rep dropped off a bunch of samples at the doctor's office, and he promised the doctor kickbacks if patients started buying the things. Eventually, people everywhere will be dependent on My Shiney Hiney. If you think Big Pharma is corrupt, you should see how deep the shit is with Big Procto. Their photo of the Shiney Hiney suction-cupped to the window overlooking Los Angeles reminded me of the tripod attack in War of the Worlds.

Yeah, I hated that commercial the first time I saw it. I could have sworn we briefly had a "commercials that creep you out" thread; I would have posted it there, too, because she creeps me out as much as she annoys me. I imagine getting consumers excited about lunch meat is difficult, but Land O'Frost is failing miserably with the hip moms commercials. If Land O'Frost is next to Land O'Lakes, there is nothing kosher about that border.

That looks like it would be a lot more gentle on my bum than the Dentastix I've been using.

I looked online to see if Shiney Hiney was a real product, and it's for sale on Amazon. What do customers buy after viewing that item? XR Brands Anal Bleach. I know there are some salons that offer the bleaching service, but if it's going to be a DIY fad, expect to see commercials in the future that will be very similar to the teeth whitening ads we've discussed in "Commercials that Annoy:" "This bride included anal bleaching kits in every welcome basket!" OR "Why are you deleting these photos?" "Because my anus is so dark in them!" I have moderate (but not severe!) vitiligo on my hands. I'm gonna start saying I spilled a bottle of anal bleach on them.

In another couple of months, I'm going to hate the Blue Plate Mayonnaise "Made with Love" commercial. Until then:

They are STILL showing it! Imagine you're naked in a locker room, on your way to the shower. Now imagine someone else is there, fully clothed and staring longingly at you, desperately wanting to be looked at. Would that not creep you out just a little bit?

I like the Johnsonville "Jeff & His Forest Friends" commercial, mostly for the very end part where the turkey laughs.

And depending on which sauce he got for the McNuggets, how popular will she be if he breaks into the party to use the bathroom?

I know that the Bai "Horse Whisperer" commercial actually belongs in the "Class, Gender, Race" thread, but I can't help laughing at it. The actor is hilarious.

You know, I was trying to think of commercials where the man of the house wasn't depicted as an idiot, and the only examples I could come up with were commercials featuring single dads (widower status always implied). On top of that, in those commercials I could remember, the dad's children were always girls. On top of that, each commercial featured the obligatory scene of Dad doing something girly (tea parties, painted nails, etc). I kind of understand why the dumb husband/dad in commercials exists. Advertisers have to demonstrate that their product is the best choice. One of the easiest and fastest ways to do that is to show a smarter person buying/using the product, while a dumber person makes the wrong choice. I think it's pretty lazy. Is any advertiser willing to risk showing a dumb wife/mother who has to be enlightened by her husband?

Because the Tampax Pearl "Waterslide" commercial is on TV every time I open my eyes, life during my period really is starting to look like this:

There's an infomercial on right now called Do You Poop Enough? "Triple Action Cleanse is the Answer for You! It's like scrubby bubbles for your intestines!" Those scrubby bubbles have to go somewhere...

Your rump post just broke the internet.

"Your mother plucks cockerels in Hell..."