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Suzy Rhapsody

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  1. “HELLO, PUMPKIN PUMPKIN.” Aaaand we have this week’s quote all settled.
  2. A friend just texted me and asked what I’m up to. I told her that I was reading a book. Ain’t no way I’m admitting to watching this shit. This is our filthy little secret. 😔
  3. Uh oh, Grangela coming up next! My white, trashy ass cannot wait!
  4. Soulmates and spiritual connections. I used to have deathly serious conversations like this with my girlfriends at slumber parties when I was in the eighth grade. Lawd Jesus.
  5. Give me a break, woman. Your kids aren’t stupid. They know how much time and money was required to bring this mouth-breathing doofus to the states. You have too many kids to justify this level of irresponsibility. If I were your sons, I’d be pissed, too.
  6. Mursel sounds like I did on the very first day of ninth grade Spanish. Te amo! Uno dos! Burrito! Nachos BellGrande!
  7. Mursel looks like he’d rather be with his bees.
  8. Robert has a lot of nerve talking about her past when he has half a damn baseball team of kids with four different women. Have several seats (right after you buy an econo-pack of condoms, for the love of God).
  9. Anyone else think it’s super distasteful to have these young children participating in the tell-all, much less opining on the other couples’ relationships? Ugh.
  10. Damn, poor Mindy. Her face is so sad. There is no way in the world I would put up with this one moment longer. And Zack? It’s not “thrusted.” Jackass.
  11. Michael’s house looks like the men’s quarters in a military school. Hang a picture and get that trash can out of the entryway!
  12. Boy. Who agrees that Mindy’s friend Mallory should replace one of the “experts?” Girlfriend broke that shit right on down.
  13. I would pay a solid three figures to watch him in that.
  14. My goal this week is to say “Kiss this white, trashy ass!” to someone at least once at work. (Does anyone have a basement I can rent after I lose that job? I’ll pay $100 extra if there’s a wet bar.)
  15. What a touching moment. Give me a break. These people will be divorced before the ink is dry on the marriage certificate.
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