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Divine Quotes

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Narrator: Their sails hung flabby as grandmother's teat.

Low Key: This country went to hell when they stopped hanging folks.

Flight attendant: I'm supposed to take your drink, sir.
Mr. Wednesday: Yeah, but you're not going to, are you? Because you would have said, "I need to take your drink, sir," or "I'm going to have to take that drink, sir," neither of which happened so don't worry about it. Why don't you pour my friend a Jack and Coke and get me another one? Thank you.

Mr. Wednesday I offer you the worm from my beak and you look at me like I fucked your mom?

Mr. Wednesday: What should I call you if I was so inclined?
Shadow Moon: Shadow Moon.
Mr. Wednesday: Oh, my boy, that is one outstandingly improbable name. Shadow Moon? Moon Shadow. Goddamn hippie parents.

Mr. Wednesday: I got two [talents] - one is that I can sleep anywhere, anytime, and the other one is that I usually end up getting what I want.

Shadow Moon: Who are you?
Mad Sweeney: I'm a leprechaun.
Shadow Moon: You're a little tall for a leprechaun.
Mad Sweeney: That's a stereotype. It represents a very narrow view of the world.
Shadow Moon: So you're from Ireland?
Mad Sweeney: I told you I'm a leprechaun. They don't come from Moscow, Russia. Or Moscow, Idaho, for that matter.

Shadow Moon: How'd you do it?
Mad Sweeney: With panache.

  • Love 4
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Mr. Nancy: Did you know your momma couldn't swim? You all need to work on that. Taking swimming lessons. This is how we get stereotypes.

Mr. Nancy: Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, a man got fucked. Now how is that for a story? Cause that's the story of black people in America. Shit, you all don't know you black yet. You think you just people. Let me be the first to tell you that you are all black.

Mr. Nancy: Anger is good. Anger gets shit down.

Mr. Wednesday: They don't have a fucking clue.
Shadow: I don't have a fucking clue. I don't give a fuck if they don't have a fucking clue. I want one. Give me a fucking clue.

Mr. Wednesday: Too many people tell each other not to repress their emotions, to release their feelings, to let the pain go. There's a lot to be said for bottling up emotions.

Mr. Wednesday: Why coin tricks? You don't really have the personality to be a magician.

Mr. Wednesday: I want you to do some shopping for me. Here's a thousand dollars and a list of things to get. My situation's a little tight at the moment so we can agree now either you bring me receipts or you don't skim more than a reasonable five percent.
Shadow: I'm not going to steal from you.
Mr. Wednesday: If you can't look out for yourself, how the hell are you going to look out for me?

Shadow: I think I'm losing my mind.
Mr. Wednesday: Well, when will you know for sure?

Mr. Wednesday: The world is either crazy or you are. They're both solid options. Take your pick.

Zorya V: You do not believe in fortunes.
Shadow: I think we're all fucked anyway so seeing it before it happens is just playing the odds.

Shadow: I'd be happy to help [make dinner].
Zorya V: I murder you first.

Zorya V: Family is who you survive with when you need to survive, even if you do not like them.

Shadow: Everything looks great.
Zorya V: Meat will be tough. Potatoes will be soft. I'm not a good cook. When I was younger, there were servants to make meals. Here there are no servants, only us, and learning is beneath me.

Shadow: I thought you were supposed to read tea leaves.
Zorya V: Tea is disgusting.
Shadow: So what does it say?
Zorya V: You will have long life and a happy one with many children.
Shadow: That bad, huh? Any good news?
Zorya V: Your mother die of cancer.
Shadow: Yeah.
Zorya V: You no die of cancer.

Zorya V: No cow killing stories at dinner!

Czernobog: Do you know checkers?
Shadow: I was in prison for three years.

  • Love 1
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Mad Sweeney: Don't try to touch my knob.
Driver: Not my style, friend. You're not my type.

Jinn: You know nothing about my people. If I could grant a wish, do you think I would be driving a cab?

Mr. Wednesday: Let me buy you a hot chocolate.

Shadow: How many Jesuses are there?
Mr. Wednesday: Well, you got your white Jesuit style Jesus, you got your black African Jesus, you got your brown Mexican Jesus, you got your swarthy Greek Jesus.
Shadow: That's a lot of Jesuses.

Mr. Wednesday: Come on, eat up. You can't rob a bank on an empty stomach.
Shadow: I'm not hungry.
Mr. Wednesday: Who says you have to be hungry to eat?

Shadow: I'll give you your lucky coin back when you tell me how you plucked it out of thin air.
Mad Sweeney: I plucked it out of thin air is how I plucked it out of thin air.

Shadow: What's the A stand for?
Mr. Wednesday: Alberto, Alphonse, Augustine, Ambrose - it's entirely up to you.
Shadow: Asshole is what I feel like.
Mr. Wednesday: Nice to meet you, Asshole. I'm James O'Gormon, Jimmy to my friends.

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Laura: My grandma always had cats. She said they could see ghosts when we can't and warn you of thieves.
Shadow: Yeah?
[Shadow holds his hand out to the cat]
Shadow: I think your cat's broken.

Laura: Do you ever worry about what will happen if you keep stealing?
Shadow: Like in the afterlife?
Laura: No, I mean like jail.

Shadow: Do you still love me?
Laura: Yeah, I still love you. I'm just not happy.
Shadow: And robbing the casino will make you happy?

Shadow: I would be happy living in a cardboard box under a freeway as long as I was with you.
Laura: See, that would represent a failure to me.

Audrey: [Shadow] knows. I tried to fuck him on your grave. It seemed only fair.
Laura: Yeah, that does seem fair.

Audrey: I had Robbie buried with his penis - that you know, you bit off - shoved up his ass. That was vulgar. I'm a vulgar woman. Anger and grief have really just made me vulgar.

Audrey: I should thank you. I should thank both of you. It's so much easier to grieve someone when you're glad they're dead.

Laura: Thoughtful of you to make a scrapbook.
Audrey: Fuck you, Laura. I make scrapbooks because memories lies. I wish I had a picture of you fucking Robbie for the album. I could glue it down, glitter it, give it a little pipe cleaner mat.
Laura: I feel terrible.
Audrey: Oh, fuck your feelings. Everyone has feelings. Everyone cares about what they feel.  I don't care about what you feel. I care about what you think. What do you think about what you did?

Laura: Listen, I know you're really pissed at me right now. I kind of need to borrow your car.

Laura: "Laura Moon, age 27, of Eagle Point, Indiana, was killed in the early hours of Wednesday morning in an automobile accident. Laura loved her work, her friends, and her family." Are you fucking kidding me? Who wrote this shit? There is little to no effort here. "She loved her work, her friends, and her family"? That's just lazy. That's fucking lazy writing and it's not entirely true. A shitty obituary.
Audrey: Well, you had a shitty obituary because you had a shitty life. You were shitty.
Laura: I was not that shitty.

Anubis: Was it love?
Laura: It wasn't. But I suppose it is now.
Anubis: That is unfortunate. Love will always have you at a disadvantage.
Laura: I think being dead has me at a disadvantage.

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Shadow:  "Why are you talking to me about marshmallows? Like I'm worried about marshmallows! Yeah, I like marshmallows." (takes the hot chocolate)


Mr. Ibis:  “Yet many is the man who would take any version of his lost love rather than leave his love lost. He will say, ‘thank you’ to whatever god sent you back to him.” 

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Shadow: You rising from the dead is about par for the fucking course since I left prison.

Media as David Bowie: Mass delusions are as old as I am. I was there when the martians invaded in 1938. What a panic. Now there are star men waiting in the sky. They believed it was true and it was.
Technical Boy: Not everyone believed.
Media as David Bowie: Not everyone had to. Just enough.

Buffer: I got a goddamn fax on a machine that hasn't been turned on since, I don't know, fax machines.

Mad Sweeney: The dead can't own things. That's why God made last wills and testaments.

Laura: My lucky coin, ginger minge.

Mad Sweeney: You're an asshole, dead wife!

Technical Boy: I'm sorry - for lynching you. Hanging a dark skinned man - it was in very poor taste. We're in a weird, tense place racially in America and I don't want to add to that kind of hatred.

Mr. Wednesday: So you're offering a truce?
Mr. World: A truce implies that we were ever at war.

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"You're a person. I know people. Everything about all of them. You have a name. Shadow Moon. You have a blood type and a recurring nightmare. B-positive and an orchard of bones. You prefer Swiss to cheddar and can't abide the tines of two forks touching."    -Mr. World


"Full-color pinup to film legend to murdered. Oh, don't believe what they say about an accidental overdose. Last thing I saw from the floor of my Brentwood bungalow was a CIA spook jabbing a needle into my eyeball, lest I tell Kennedy tales unwanted."   -Media


Laura: "Hi, puppy."
Shadow: "Hey... baby. The fuck you doing here?"

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Shadow: I just got stabbed my Charlie Brown's Christmas tree. What are they?
Wednesday: It's hard to quantify.
Shadow: Motherfucker, you never just answer the fucking question!

Wednesday: What came first -  gods or the people who believed in them?

Laura: This [car], not that one.
Mad Sweeney: That alarm I can't do anything about. This alarm I can.

Laura: This car is a toilet.
Mad Sweeney: It's your toilet now, dead wife.

Mad Sweeney: I've done the math. This times that equals you're a c***. Divided by the only way I'm going to get what I need is if you give it to me equals the only way you're going to give it to me is if you don't need it. Like my friend Jesus Christ, the only thing you need, dead wife, is resurrection.
Laura: Did you just name drop Jesus Christ like you know a guy who knows a guy?
Mad Sweeney: I do know a guy who knows a guy, and the guy sitting next to that guy is your guy.

Laura: Is this you being convincing now? Because you suck at it. Unless you're trying to convince me you're an asshole.

Laura: What the fuck are you? What the fuck are any of you? But first tell me what the fuck are you? Seriously, what the fuck are you?
Mad Sweeney: I'm a leprechaun.
Laura: Oh, well that makes sense.
Mad Sweeney: Does it now?
Laura: NO!
Salim: Please stop stealing my cab. Did you say you are a leprechaun?
Mad Sweeney: Yes.
Salim: Have you ever met a jinn?

Salim: New York scared me. I was scared of the black people and the way they stared at me. I was scared of the Jews, the ones dressed all in black with the hats and beards and side curls. I was scared of the sheer quantity of people, all shapes and sizes. I'm not scared of anything anymore.
Mad Sweeney: I'm scared you're never going to shut that flapping hole of yours. I'm sitting back here having a fucking anxiety attack because I am genuinely terrified that you are never going to shut the fuck up.
[Mad Sweeney looks at the taxi license]
Mad Sweeney: Ibrahim Bin Irem. Who the fuck is Ibrahim Bin Irem anyway cause that ain't you. He probably threw himself from this speeding vehicle to shut your fucking yap.

Mad Sweeney: [Laura]'s a leprecunt.
Laura: If I hear that word pass your lips one more time, I'm going to peel them from your gums.

Laura: Mind if I smoke in here?
Salim: I would rather you not.
Laura: You're really going to be precious? Because it smells like someone took a shit in the backseat.
Salim: Someone did take a shit in the backseat.

Mad Sweeney: What do you know about dead people?
Laura: I had a whole tutorial with the grim fucking reaper so I think I know a thing or two.

Laura: I've only felt my heart beat one time since I died - when I kissed Shadow.
Mad Sweeney: That doesn't obligate him to feel shit. Wait - you kissed him?
Laura: Yeah, I just said I kissed him.
Mad Sweeney: Put your tongue in his mouth?
Laura: Just the tip.

Mad Sweeney: Why do men like anal sex? Because women don't? Not like Ibrahim Bin Irem here does. He's got a button for that business so he likes getting his back door kicked in, but your kind of love, dead wife, is the grandest butt fuck of them all. You can love somebody even when you know they don't like it, even when you know they don't want it. There's some profound knowledge for you right there, wrapped up in a sexual metaphor.
Laura: I don't know. I really like anal sex.

Vulcan: People do tend to behave if they know they're being watched. They like being watched.
Wednesday: Someone's watching. Somebody's always watching.

Shadow: Do you trust [Vulcan]?
Wednesday: I know who he is and who he's always been. I can depend on that.

Salim: Fuck those assholes?
Laura: Fuck those assholes.

Vulcan: I've been advised it's best if I appear neutral.
Wednesday: Neutral in the face of injustice is on the side of the oppressor.

  • Love 1
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Laura: "Both Derek and the calf were killed by a lightning strike a year to the day after its birth."
Mad Sweeney: That's what you get for putting a god in a petting zoo.

Laura: So do you love God or are you in love with God?
Salim: I hadn't thought of it that way.

[crow caws as Mad Sweeney pees on a bush]
Mad Sweeney: Fuck off! I will eat you.
Laura: Are you talking to the birds?
Mad Sweeney: Christ, can't a man get a moment alone with his prick?

[Laura breaks open the back of an ice cream truck]
Ice cream truck driver: Hello? Can I help you with something, ma'am?
Laura: Yes. I've always wanted to steal a car so I'm going to steal yours.

Ibis: Malice draped in pretty can get away with murder.

Mad Sweeney: Don't eat what's in the bowl unless you like shitting yourself dry.

Mad Sweeney: What the fuck is happy?
Essie: Fucked if I know.

Mad Sweeney: I was a king once. Then they made me a bird. Then mother church came along and turned us all into saints and trolls and fairies. General Mills did the rest.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Nancy: Life is long when you've got regret.  A moment can last forever when you can see how it should have gone. You get the moral to this story?
Shadow: I don't know. Don't compromise? Or don't cut deals with treacherous motherfuckers?
Nancy: What? No! Fuck no! Did you get this one off the discount rack? Where are you getting in life without some fucking compromise?

Nancy: What about you? Spill blood together, that binds you to him for life.
Shadow: The fuck it does.
Nancy: The fuck it doesn't.
Wednesday: Now we have a compact.
Shadow: Yeah, up until which point you piss me off. You just go and piss me off so I think that just violated the terms of our agreement.
Wednesday: What are you so pissed off about?
Shadow: You just cut off your friend's head! And now you're just going to get a suit made like you're the goddamn godfather?
Wednesday: You're getting one too!

Wednesday: Do not confuse confusion for anger.

Shadow: I love Easter!
Wednesday: Many do - some for the rabbits, some for the resurrection. Most think of the food - all that fucking sugar.

Wednesday: You look divine.
Easter: How else should I look?

Easter: There's far too many secret societies out there. They have no loyalty and no love. They range from barely competent to deeply dangerous.

Laura: Jesus, are they all Jesuses?

Easter: How do you feel? I don't mean existentially.

Easter: I don't resurrect. I re-life.

Mad Sweeney: You weren't murdered. You were sacrificed.

Laura: When we robbed the casino, did Wednesday fuck up my perfect plan?
Mad Sweeney: It wasn't a perfect plan. You didn't account for divine intervention, did you?
Laura: The whole fucking time - the robbery, Shadow going to jail me dying - act of god? Just fucking with us to fuck with us?
Mad Sweeney: What do you think gods do? They do what they've always done. They fuck with us.

Media: You feel you've been treated unfairly?
Easter: I feel misrepresented in the media.
Media: Put a pillow over that feeling and bear down until it stops kicking.

Technical Boy: Here's the thing - you're old as fuck.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Sweeney:  Essie McGowan?

Essie:  Do I know you?

Sweeney:  You might say that you know me.

Essie:  Oh, you're an Irishman.

Sweeney:  That I am.  A man of the mounds.  Or rather, that I was.  Now I'm here, in this New World, where nobody puts out ale or milk for an honest fellow, or a loaf of bread come harvest time.

Essie:  If you are who I think you are, I have no quarrel with you.

Sweeney:  Nor I with you.  Although it was you who brought me here, you and a few others like you.  Into this land with no time for magic, no places for faeries and such folk.

Essie:  You have done me many a good turn.

Sweeney:  Good and ill.  We're like the wind, we blows both ways.

  • Love 3
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Wednesday: Do you believe?
Shadow: I believe
Wednesday: What do you believe, Shadow?
Shadow: Everything.

[A throat is cleared]

Laura: I'd like to have a word with my husband.

Everything about this little bit of scene is perfection, especially Laura's line. The joy on Shadow's face, the grimace on Wednesday's...Mad Sweeney isn't even featured in this particular scene, but the slightly out of focus vision is perfect.

Damn, I love this show.

  • Love 3
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GPS: Your destination is on the right.
Technical Boy: I know where I'm going!

Laura: I still don't understand how such a sweet old man could have so many enemies.
Wednesday: Oh, it's perfectly simple, my dear. Jealousy. Pure, unmitigated jealousy.

Laura: What is the House on the Rock?
Wednesday: A place where people come to look, play, and wonder.
Laura: Like Disney World.
Wednesday: Dear old Walt. Built a Magic Kingdom without any magic.

Voiceover: Sixty years ago, Alex Jordan began to build a house on a high spot of rock in a field he did not even own. And even more, he could not have told you why. And people came to see him build it. The curious and the puzzled, and those who were neither. They could not honestly have told you why they came. So he did what any sensible American male of his generation would do: he began to charge them money.

World: The president is a cardboard cut out. I am the man behind the man behind the man.

Wednesday: What's the hold up, Shadow?
Shadow: You're a god but you can't open a fucking gate.

Nancy: Mad Sweeney? Is that you? Or is that Wednesday's bullshit I smell?
Sweeney: A keen nose, Mr. Fancypants. But that ain't Irish sexy you're smelling. It's Roadkill Rhonda over here.

Nancy: You are persona non grata in the rabbit community. I think you know why. So Easter told me to tell you she ain't coming on account of you mowing over bunnies with your car like some kinda fucking rabbit racist.

Nancy: Shadow Moon! Did I or did I not just thrust your rusty butt into bespoke haberdashery just a few days ago?

Laura: I'm just keeping an eye on my husband.
Wednesday: Well, look at him. He's got a spring in his step he didn't have when he left prison.
Laura: Which is strange since his wife was murdered.

Wednesday: You don't have to be roadkill forever. I'm sure we can come to an arrangement. 
Laura: Fuck you and your glass eye.

Sweeney: You sound like a man who'd fight to get back into those maggoty panties.

Shadow: Every ending is a new beginning. Your lucky number is none. Your lucky color is dead. Motto: Like father, like son. 
Wednesday: Oh, like all fortunes, Shadow: opaque on arrival, inevitable in retrospect. Shall we?
Nancy: It's a motherfucking fortune from a fucking wax dummy, dummy!

Nancy: Apparently, the houses in this area were built by some skinny white motherfucker named Frank Lloyd Wright. Some say his evil twin brother built this one: Frank Lloyd Wrong. Another skinny white motherfucker.

Nancy: If you follow the signs, you'll never have any motherfucking fun!

Shadow: Seriously, are are you not worried about cancer?
Czernobog: I am cancer.

Czernobog: I'm here because I lost a game of checkers to you. Hey, listen. I've been thinking. Why don't we make it best of three? What do you say? Then I kill you. I go home. Is good, right?

Bilquis: What are you? A Hungarian goddess of death?
Laura: I'm from Eagle Point, Indiana.
Bilquis: Sounds beautiful.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
  • Love 1
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Wednesday: Mama-Ji, you hear the battle cries. May I count on your blades?
Mama-Ji: You brought the fight to my doorstep. I have no choice but to resume the lopping of heads, drinking of blood, and liberating of souls. That is, if I can swap my weekend shift with Arjun.

Laura: We don't have time for a fucking wake in a parking lot.
Sweeney: Might be no coming back for that one.
Laura: Yeah, no shit. She's dead.
Salim: Dead does not seem to be as final as you are implying.

Sweeney: You're getting fire eyes and the fairy to fetch your fucking spear for you?

Laura: You don't give a shit about [Shadow].
Wednesday: Oh, I very much give a shit. Just have faith in your man.
Nancy: My favorite Tammy Wynette song.

Nancy: You are the biggest, most unlucky leprechaun I have ever met! 
Sweeney: Bugger off!
Nancy: Bugger yourself off, bitch!

Shadow: I'm just a bodyguard, okay? [Wednesday] doesn't tell me anything.
Town: Let me ask you a question. When somebody tells you to rob a casino or a bank, then you do it. When someone tells you to join the old gods in a secret war against the new gods, then you do it. You are always just going with the flow, Shadow. And I need to know - why? Why the fuck is that?
Shadow: Curious spirit.

Laura: God  is a fairy tale for grown-ups.
Sweeney: Well, you're in the fairy tale now, aren't you?
Laura: You things are not gods, by the way. You're made by people, people who need answers and they're too fucking lazy to look for them themselves. I mean, who the fuck ever needed a leprechaun? You take and you take and you take and what do you give back to people? Nothing. You are monsters under the bed, just fucking with human lives.
Sweeney: Pot, kettle, black! And God didn't fuck up your life. You did a great job of that all by yourself.
Laura: Well, it was my life to fuck up!
Sweeney: Indeed it was and you fucked the shit out of it, didn't you? Fucked up your husband's life as well. Got him sent to prison. And then when he was paying his penance for you, you sucked all over his best friend's knob.
Laura: I don't know what kind of syphilitic time period spawned leprechauns, but in my world, infidelity does not warrant a death sentence.
Sweeney: Where I'm from, it's the greatest sin. To betray your sworn true love is the crime of a coward.

Wednesday: You gonna fold that or fuck it?
Nancy: I'm gonna fuck it.

Shadow: Is there a book that you haven't read?
Shadow's mom: A good book is a loyal and constant friend.

Shadow: Hey, I'm Shadow. Are you guys from around here?
Guy: You talk funny, like a white boy. Where you from?
Shadow: France.
Guy: France?
Shadow: Yeah. Europe.
Guy: Bitch, I know where France is.

Sweeney: You better stop lollygagging. Otherwise Shadow's better off saving himself.
Laura: I'm lifting an entire car.
Sweeney: Yeah? Last week, you could've lifted an entire fucking elephant! Two fucking elephants if my nuts are the judge.

Nancy: This motherfucker asked me if I want something to eat. And then he gets in the car with a bucket of fried fucking chicken.

Laura: How the fuck am I supposed to catch him? I can't save him if I can't catch him.
Sweeney: What if I told you I had a shortcut?
Laura: I'd say you were a piece of shit for holding out on me.
Sweeney: Is that how you ask for a favor?

Town: I work for the gods. They gave us penicillin and streaming porn and aircraft carriers that circle the globe.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
  • Love 1
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Sweeney: Hey! Snap out of it, ya fuckin c***!
[Laura tosses Sweeney across the room]
Laura: I told you not to call me that.

Laura: Are you eating me?!
Ibis: The funerary arts we practice are ancient. The deceased don't generally witness them.

Sweeney: Argus is nothing but a standard-issue peeping fucking Tom.

Shadow: So, uh how far is that 20 gonna take me?
Sam: From where you were standing to where you are now.

Ibis: The advantage of love at first sight is it doesn't require a second look.

Laura: What is this place again?
Wednesday: Oh, ask the local tinfoil-hat brigade. They'll tell you it's the secret HQ for the Deep State, the Illuminati, the men in black. Ask the local council, city hall, they'll tell you, "Ah, it's just a warehouse full of computers."
Laura: What's the truth?
Wednesday: Truth is Argus, and the truth doesn't care which version you prefer. The truth is just information. And information will win the war for you, if you let it.

Sam: You ever hear of the Crow Nation warrior named Finds Them and Kills Them?
Shadow: No, but he sounds very efficient.

Wednesday: What's the worst thing you can do to a book?
Laura: Ignore it?

Sam: You a fan of catfish?
Shadow: Uh, fish is fish in my book.
Sam: Yeah, I'm pretty sure not all sushi was created equal.

Technical Boy: I'm really trying to see things from your perspective. Then I remembered that you're literally fucking blind so I might have to spell this out for you. May I remind you? One word from me and you go back to trolling the dark web on IRC bots and GeoCities pages.

Technical Boy: Your loss, my gain, you fucking nerd.

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Shadow: So this is a coroner's office?
Ibis: Coroners are a political appointment around here. His job is to kick the corpse. If it doesn't kick him back, he signs the death certificate.

Ruby: Uh, you two know each other?
Nancy: Yes. Biblically.

Mama-Ji: You think America was eager to hand over her money bags to the hungry, the tired, and the poor? We battle for every goddamn scrap.

Technical Boy: Argus was a relic, a desiccating, necrotizing, geriatric, organic sack of redundancies.

World: You killed Argus.
Wednesday: And you killed Zorya.
World: I am sorry about Zorya. But when you strike with lightning, you should expect consequences.
Wednesday: Mess with my people, expect disproportionate consequences.

Wednesday: I'm going to win this one. People like me more than they like you.
World: I prefer to be feared.

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Sweeney: Julia? Fuck, it's you.
Laura: Yes, it's me. Do not say, "I told you so."
Sweeney: So Wednesday lied.
Laura: See? That's "I told you so."
Sweeney: You look less decomposed.

Jinn: After all you've seen, you still believe your god is the one true god?
Salim: Yes, of course I do. The first pillar of Islam is there is no god bug God.
Jinn: Thomas Jefferson said all men are created equal but he still owned slaves.

Wednesday: How was the party? Yahweh can be such a prude.

Jinn: You're late.
Wednesday: Keep the audience waiting - something I learned from my old burlesque days.

Salim: You are very tall for a dwarf.
Albus: The tallest dwarf in America!
Wednesday: And that stature makes Albus the king of the dwarves on this godforsaken continent.

Laura: I have a long history of really shitty impulse control.

Shadow: Any of you selfish fuckers going to elaborate on what happened to me tonight?
Nancy: Magic is not real, Shadow. It's a trick.

Nancy: Sensitivity is such an unattractive quality.

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Shadow: I thought you might have been dead.
Wednesday: Playing dead convincingly is an underrated skill.

Nancy: Double up on that nipple tape. Ain't nobody come here to see your aereolas.

Nancy: Get your ass on the stage! I'm gonna count to 7 and I'm starting at 4!

Carl: Do you want to try [Lou Reed's jacket] on?
Wednesday: Is Martin Luther a Lutheran?
Carl: Yeeeeees? I have no idea!

  • Love 1
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Shadow: You know, if you keep hanging out under bridges, people are going to start thinking you're a troll.

Shadow: You literally pull gold out of the air and you're asking me for money?

Wednesday: Oh, I know that smell. That smells like a hot bottle of whiskey and sex in an alleyway with a topnote of failure. 

  • Love 2
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World: People like the idea that love makes the world go round. It doesn't. You don't lock your doors at night because you love thy neighbor. You deadbolt with reinforced steel because you fear thy neighbor. Fear is order. Fear is control. Fear is safety. Fear is fiction.

Laura: You seem pretty powerful. You want to help me [kill Wednesday]?
Bilquis: Thank you for the offer. It is a very tempting one.
Laura: You don't like him either.
Bilquis: Is that what your intuition tells you?
Laura: No, I just know an "I'd like to punch that guy in the mouth" look when I see one.

Salim: I've never purchased liquor before. It's for a friend. He's a leprachaun.

Salim: Is this true? Wednesday and Shadow have killed police officers?
Ibis: I strongly recommend, my young friend, that you view the news with the smoky glass of skepticism and remember all writers have bias.
Salim: Dead police is not a point of view - it's murder!

Ibis: It does appear Shadow's ignorance gives him bliss.

Jinn: Check, motherfucker.

Jinn: You know me. Eyes of fire, shit for brains.

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Laura: When the fuck is he back?
Brigitte: I'm the Lord of the Dead's fuck buddy, not his appointment secretary.

Shadow: Are you really my dad?
Wednesday: Oh, is that still a point of speculation considering our shared traits?  Charisma, strong jawline, way with the ladies.

Shadow: What's with the new outfit?
Wednesday: I've been exploring America's forgotten coast. You have no idea how many nude beaches there are down in the redneck Riviera.

Bilquis: I am not a prostitute.
Technical Boy: Oh, baby love, we are all prostitutes.

Cordelia: I spent Christmas at a truck stop on account of you.
Wednesday: That's a made up holiday anyway.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Ann-Marie: Lakeside News is down thataway. It was started by Zachary Morgan in 1902. He died of syphilis wearing a diaper.

Chad: Apparently three pairs of her days of the week underwear - Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday - all went missing from the dryer so in her mind, we have a panty thief on the loose. See, Mike, this is what qualifies as major crime here in Lakeside.

Chad: So you two have met?
Shadow: At gunpoint.

Salim: You should have let the leprechaun kill [Wednesday].

Wednesday: Back to Lakeside. That place grows on you, doesn't it?
Shadow: I nearly froze to death twice and I almost got my head blown off but yeah, the food's good.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Wednesday: A favor followed by a lecture is not a favor at all.

Wednesday: I'm here to see Demeter.
Janice: Is that a first or last name?
Wednesday: It's the whole name.
Janice: Like Beyoncé?
Wednesday: Precisely.
Janice: And you are?
Wednesday: Wednesday.
Janice: First name?
Wednesday: Mister.

Wednesday: What are the residents of Haven Glen Retreat retreating from?
HankReality mostly.

Wednesday: Nudity is not lewdity.

Laura: I am the architect of every fucked up thing that ever happened in my life.

20s usherette: If you already know all the answers, what is it that you're still so angry about?
Laura: Sanctimonious fuckheads like you.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Shadow: If you are going to lie, make it believable.

Shadow: Whatever [Bilquis] did to you, you probably deserved it.

Purgatory woman: Three pack a day girl over here. When I got throat cancer, my doctor said I had to change my lifestyle so I switched to menthol.

Laura: You haven't by any chance seen a guy in here? Super tall, red hair, big mouth, bad attitude, Irish-ish.

Tech Boy: Okay, here's the deal, shithead. You are going to tell us what we need to know or we are going to peel your fucking skin off with fucking kerosene, you dig?
Driver: Kerosene? Seriously?
Shadow: I'm going to need you to dial it back to about a 2.

Ms. World: Is that the sound of you covering your anus?

Laura: Just because somebody wrote it in a book doesn't mean it's true.

Cordelia: [Wednesday]'s fine. He's not fine. He's okay physically but his head is a mess. We're checking him into a hospital now. It's like a special hospital. Nut house.
Shadow: About fucking time though, really, right?

Wednesday: A monkey shat in my pants.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Tech Boy: They would have you believe that this building is owned by an Indonesian telecom startup. The giveaway is the renditiony vibe the place gives off.
Shadow: Yeah, right. A start up and not an electric car in sight? Please. All right, Bieber. Do your thing.

May the optimism of tomorrow be your foundation for today.

Bilquis: A word of advice - the journey to spiritual awakening is better with french fries.

Demeter: What are you doing here, Ofnir?
Wednesday: The truth is I'm exhausted. My recent brush with death and the long haul of the campaign - it wearies the soul.
Demeter: You don't look exhausted. Besides, war mongering always invigorates you.

Cordelia: Should I be looking for a new job?
Shadow: As a general lifestyle choice and bid for sanity, absofuckinglutely.

Laura: You gotta quit moping around being all sad about something that you can't do jack shit about.
Salim: What should I do instead? Go back to selling trinkets?
Laura: I don't know, dude. Learn to play the flute. Or get a full body tattoo. Take up sky diving. It doesn't matter.

Laura: Why don't you come with me and help me track down Wednesday?
Salim: And do what?
Laura: Kill him.
Salim: What?
Laura: Yeah, I'm going to kill him. He fucked up my whole life and he's the reason that Sweeney's dead. And you know that he's got his hooks in the Jinn.
Salim: Yes, definitely, but I'm not someone who believes in murder.
Laura: Okay, well, just come along for the ride then.

Ibis: Take [my car].
Salim: Either you are very generous or you really want me to leave.
Ibis: Yes.

Salim: You died
Laura: And?
Salim: Where did you go?
Laura: Uh, this time? For lack of a better word, purgatory.
Salim: So no seventy two virgins?
Laura: Not a one.

Laura: I noticed you're not praying. I mean, now that I actually have the need to pee, we haven't stopped once, let alone five times. Are we not on speaking terms with The Most High these days?
Salim: Is the constant atheist worried that I've lost my faith?
Laura: Well, you've just always been very devout.
Salim: If I was truly following the tenets of Islam, I couldn't come on this trip with you. To be alone with a woman is forbidden.
Laura: Well, I promise to keep it in my pants.

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Wednesday: Elsa, I've just been looking at your watercolors in the art room. Exquisite technique. They remind me of a young Georgia O'Keefe except your pictures look more like flowers.

Hank: You think she's into me?
Wednesday: Anybody who would endure that mindless jibber jabber, repay you in kind, smiling throughout, is either smitten or an imbecile.

Wednesday: Allow me to be your Cyrano. Your spirit guide out of lonely town.
Hank: If you're such a Don Juan, why did Miss Wells slap you in the face the moment she saw you?

Wednesday: I don't need drugs. I am drugs.

Shadow: That's a lot for me to get my head around.
Laura: Yeah, no shit. You haven't even died once.

Laura: I'm not asking you to help me. I just want to know where he is.
Shadow: So you can kill him. Kind of qualifies for aiding and abetting.

Shadow: You get a second second chance at coming back from the great whatever and number one on your to-do list is killing Wednesday? Can you not just think about moving on?

Laura: Jesus Christ, Shadow, what has [Wednesday] ever done to earn your loyalty?
Shadow: He's my father.
Laura: Oh. Kay. Wow. Not a lot surprises me anymore but I gotta tell you, that one's a fucking doozy.

Laura: Try and be happy here in weird little Lakeville.
Shadow: I'm working on it.
Laura: Maybe work harder. Your place looks like a hidey hole for an ex con in witness protection.

Marguerite: What brings you to Lakeside?
Laura: Some unfinished family business.
Shadow: We're all good now.
Laura: Not even close.

Wednesday: Ayahuasca, psilocybin, peyote, even jimson weed - yeah, I can understand them, but prescription drugs? How pedestrian.

Wednesday: Black tie and straitjacket?

Computer: Emotions are an intuitive feeling as distinguished from reasoning or knowledge.
Tech Boy: I know what the fuck they are. I just don't have them.

Margeurite: Where'd you get this stuff?
Shadow: Oh, you would be surprised, young lady. The [Bel Biv DeVoe] tape I found in the library mixed in with the whole complete works of Alvin and the Chipmunks.
Marguerite: And the jam box?
Shadow: I thought I was onto a hell of a deal and then I realized it's a loss for the 400 batteries that thing takes.

Marguerite: In Hinzelman's world, there are three approved colors. I'm pretty sure that millennial pink isn't one of them.
Shadow: It's salmon mist.

Wednesday: You were a warrior once. Now you're an oral health janitor.

Marguerite: Hockey season and its aroma are upon us.

Wednesday: Hank, I will always think of you as more of a friend than a mere purveyor of sponge baths.

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On 2/21/2021 at 8:50 AM, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Wednesday: You were a warrior once. Now you're an oral health janitor.

In that same episode, Wednesday to Tyr: "You fucking tooth fairy!"

Edited by WatchrTina
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Salim: Back in my country, I was an excellent businessman. Allow me to negotiate the terms and conditions.
Laura: Just out of curiosity, were assassination attempts your specialty?

Cordelia: Omigawd, all of this is real, isn't it? I answered a fucking ad. It was cash under the table. Dude wasn't trying to get into my pants. One minute I'm trying to explain where all the pay phones went and then a flaming body hits the asphalt and he's telling me to chill about all these murders because he's a thousand years old and kicks it with warlocks.

Mr. World: Godspeed.
Laura: Eat a dick.

Cordelia: If this Johan guy's so dangerous, why do you think talking to him is going to help?
Wednesday: I may not talk to him. I may just fucking kill him.

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Salim: Are [the fairies] real?
[Laura pinches one]
Laura: Nope, just nerds.

Liam: I was a lawyer at the time.
Laura: You're a leprechaun lawyer?

Kai: That's your look? That's a tough one. Uh, homeless Jackson Pollock? No, wait, I got it - lesbian Harry Potter.

Salim: So you don't trust the guy who refused to kill you but you fell in love with the guy who did?

Salim: If you let go of Sweeney's coin or his ashes, you will be acknowledging the harsh reality that he is dead and you will have to grieve and it will hurt. But it's the only way for you to move on.
Laura: Says the guy who refuses to ditch his MIA boyfriend's butt ugly sweater.

Bilquis: How about you quit feeling sorry for yourself and watch where you're going, you self-absorbed fuck?

Bilquis: You are awake. You can't unthink a thought. Repress what you are feeling and you will snap in two, so let them come, whatever they are - mad, sad, glad, scared. Just don't deny them, don't act on them, let them come, and then let them go.

Salim: Everybody says this is a safe place but I don't feel very safe right now.
Toni: Feel free to tell me to mind my own business, but is it possible you feel ashamed?
Salim: Shame?
Toni: Sometimes unsafe and shame can feel similar but shame's a whole lot of made up bull shit.

Shadow: You believe him
Wednesday: Sure, I believe him. Tyr's honesty is his biggest weakness.
Tyr: Greatest strength.

Laura: They told me in purgatory not everything's my fault but it sure fucking feels like it.

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Liam: Has anyone ever told you that you're very cynical and more than slightly overdramatic? I'm not talking about destiny. I meant you need a challenge. Like bowling.
Laura: Bowling?
Liam: Ugly shirts, greasy pizza. Let's go tomorrow. You're all wound up about this one thing. There has to be life after. It doesn't have to be bowling. We could get tattoos. Or go skydiving.

Cordelia: You know, I'm sensing a pattern here. We drop in on old friends of yours, they hate your guts and freak out, you eat their food and drink their booze until they calm down. You ever worried that one day it won't work?

Wednesday: I hear you've been trying out a few new looks.
Mr. World: Well, variety is the spice of life.
Wednesday: I like the Savile Row psycho look. It suits you.
Czernobog: I don't care if you can make yourself look like the fucking Princess Anastasia. Now can we get this the fuck over with?

Laura: Hey, fucker!

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Shadow: When were you planning on telling me?
Ibis: One shock at a time.

Laura: Why did you bring me to this shitbox full of gods that want me dead?

Laura: I want my fucking tennis ball!

Cordelia: He could be a bastard but he was a good boss.
Shadow: He was a selfish dick. You may have believed his intentions were noble but he never did anything that wasn't in his own self interest. But he did care for you though. It's not a side most people get to see.
Cordelia: He cared about you too, you know.
Shadow: He showed it by murdering my wife.

Laura: Just kill me now because you finally have a chance to unfuck your life and what do you do? You drink Wednesday's Kool-Aid. He says, "All aboard," you jump on the fucking crazy train? Just put me out of my misery so I don't have to watch.

Cordelia: Please tell me there's not a gimp involved.

Mr. World: People say this is the age of technology. They're wrong. This is the age of manipulation. Trickery is what I do best.



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