Good Wife Quotes

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Alicia: It's hard to get drunk on beer.
Will: Well, you just gotta try harder.

Alicia: (to waitress) Thanks A LOT.
Will: If you want to say bitch, say bitch.
Alicia: BITCH!

Peter: Let me use your phone.
Eli: Why?
Peter: Because I'm the governor and I'm asking to use your phone.
(Eli hands over his phone)
Peter: Now show me how to dial Alicia.

Diane: You're fired. You don't belong here as a client.
Client: This is insane. Do you know how much business I bring in here?
Diane: I do. That's what makes this so difficult.
Client: It's not what Will would do.
Diane: If I were dead, it's exactly what Will would do. (slams door) That felt good.
David: Turned me on.

Edited February 15, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Alicia: If I die before you, please don't let them read "Wind Beneath My Wings" at my funeral.
Diane: Who knew it had so many verses? Do you think that we didn't know him or his family didn't?
Alicia: Maybe he changed.
Diane: They said he liked night time walks in the snow. He hated the snow.
Alicia: What about that food? I didn't know he cooked.
Diane: He didn't. They're crazy! We were like the two mistresses at the Irish funeral.
Alicia: Yup.
Diane: Oh, I'm sorry. I meant that metaphorically.

[Cutty]

From "Hitting The Fan":

Diane: And, Cary, you're fired.

Cary: For a second time?

Diane: Yes, a second time. Now get the hell out of here.

[photo fox]

Eli: Is there something I should know about you and Alicia?

Peter: No.

Eli: You're monosyllabic these days.

Peter: Yeah.

Clarke (to the NSA): You know, the public record. The record open to the public.

Peter (to the Senator): And it is between you and me. Now. On the phone.

NSA general counsel: Objection. Or...whatever. I disagree.

Cary: Diane. I'm not negotiating. I'm stating.

[Sandman]

Alicia: What about that food? I didn't know he cooked.

Diane: He didn't. They're crazy! We were like the two mistresses at the Irish funeral.

Alicia: Yup.

Diane: Oh, I'm sorry. I meant that metaphorically.

Is it just me, or is there something a little ungracious about Diane's pointing out that in Alicia's case it might not be metaphor? As in, Oh, I'm sorry; I didn't mean to imply you were a slut. You slut.

[Rinaldo]

I saw it as Diane trying to retrieve a verbal misstep and being, if anything, as gracious as possible under the circumstances. Haven't most of us used some standard expression and then in the next moment mortifyingly realized it could apply literally to someone present, and wished we could un-say it? There was really no good way out of this. What she said was the short version of something like "When I said 'mistress,' I truly was not thinking about your relationship with Will, which we never acknowledge and I would never want to, except I now have to, in order to clarify that I didn't." And Alicia seemed to get it and accept it.

[fastiller]

Of course, since Will was single, Alicia wasn't the mistress.  I also saw Diane's 'metaphorically' remark as a gracious attempt to apologize for the misuse of the word.  Especially when taken with the tone she said it in.

[Sandman]

I think you're right that Diane's awkwardness was genuine, and I think Alicia understood that, and as I think about it more, it does seem like one of those situations where the apology itself only increased the awkwardness of the situation.

 

There are a few aspects of Alicia's life that could be filed under "Your feelings about or relationship with X, which we never acknowledge and I would never want to, except I now have to, and it's awkward."

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Louis Canning: I don't want to be the enemy.

Diane. You're not the enemy. You're the devil.

 

Louis: You're fighting me. It's not going to work if you're fighting me.

Diane: Said the rapist to his prey.

 

Louis: I may be a scumbag, but I'm your scumbag.

 

Nerd #1: I heard he went to Reykjavic,

Nerd #2: Del? But he hates the cold.

Nerd #3: Iceland has the hottest women of anywhere.

Nerd #1: You're thinking of Sweden.

Nerd #3: No, Iceland. It's a known fact. Bjork is from Iceland.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Renata: Every saint is just a sinner waiting for an opportunity.

 

Alicia: Mr. Sweeney, you lied on your financial disclosure.

Colin: Please! I don't lie.

Alicia: You can't include sexual therapy as a business expense.

Colin: Political correctness, there it is.

 

Renata: No, auto asphyxiation is porn. Shibari is art.

Colin: You should try it some time, Mr. State's Attorney. It clears the mind.

 

Owen: This is an intervention. We are intervening.

Alicia: We need to discuss...the pot.

Zach: You've got to be kidding me. I'm literally the only person in my class who has never done drugs.

 

Castro: As your boss, I'm asking you. Take some time off.

Finn: No, but thank you.

Castro: I'm not actually asking.

Finn: I know you're not. But no.

 

Castro: Mr. Governor, I hate to toot my own horn.

Peter: Toot away.

 

Alicia: Did Renata do it or did you?

Colin: Now that's just rude.

 

Owen: Oh, gawd, it's like Mildred Pierce. We need to get you laid!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Veronica: After your father died, at one point I was all cried out and I just wanted people to shut up.

Alicia: No, it's just that...

Veronica: It's just what?

Alicia: It's unreal. Like he's...like he's still there, you know. Or that he was never there at all.

Veronica: Yeah. That's the worst part. When you can't remember what they look like. The thing to do is pray.

Alicia: Pray?

Veronica: Yeah. Talk to him. Talk to Will. He'll listen. He might not answer, but there'll be things. It may seem like he's answering. A balloon in the sky, a leaf falling from a tree.

 

Finn: Kalinda, why do people let you into crime scenes?

Kalinda: Oh, you know. Cops like me.

 

Daniel: I thought you lost your wallet.

Alicia: My other wallet.

 

Eli: Are you under the impression this interview's about the truth?

 

Finn: That's the reason the governor's endorsing me - the shooting.

Eli: No. The governor's endorsing you because he doesn't like Castro. I'm establishing your value through the shooting. If society valued kindness and a good haircut, I'd establish that.

 

Kalinda: You've met on eight separate occasions outside of work in the last two weeks.

David: We like each other.

Diane: You don't like anyone, David.

 

Kalinda: You believe it?

Diane: I did until he said, "I don't want pity."

 

Finn: I should have told her to go to hell.

Eli: That's when you know you're a true politician - when you don't.

 

Alicia: Dad said, "There are people who make the mess and people who clean up."

 

Finn: [Eli] wants to turn me into a hero.

Alicia: Yes, Eli is good at that.

Finn: That's right. He already turned you into a saint.

 

Diane: Is [Canning] dying? Or is he trying to screw me?

Kalinda: He is dying. And he's trying to screw you.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Waiter: Down with corporate imperialism!

Paisley: Didn't I tell you this was going to be fun?

 

Canning: So this is what a start up looks like.

Cary: Yup. 35 employees, 7 partners, and $21 million in yearly billing.

Canning: Another $5 million and you'll be able to afford doors for your conference room.

Cary: It's a design choice.

Canning: A design choice that lets other people listen in on your meetings.

 

Eli: I still can't get used to this place. You need more walls.

 

Eli: What? I DO care, even if only on the most cynical level.

 

Diane: What's he offering you?

David: Who?

Diane: Canning. To vote his way against my class action.

David: Nothing. We share a philosophy, that's all.

Diane: Money trumps everyting?

David: Well, it is why we're in business, isn't it?

 

Peter: Eli, I don't pry into your life.

Eli: I don't have a life. Your life is my life.

 

Paisley: There are more people who want than people who have. Read Ayn Rand.

Alicia: Oh dear god. Have you read her books? They're awful.

Paisley: Well they weren't meant to be Moby Dick. They were meant to make you think.

Alicia: A guy bombs a building. The rich go out on strike. It's a 12 year old's view of the world. It's like basing your philosophy on the books of John Grisham.

 

Cary: Have you ever focus grouped an apology before?

Alicia: No. A marriage proposal once.

Cary: Are you kidding me?

Alicia: It was a comic book writer. He was terrible with women. It was David Lee's idea.

 

Cary: So you're being marginaized by the partnership at Lockhart Gardner? I know what that's like.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Diane: I'm like a banana republican!

 

David: Let Canning be the front man. You'll be the shadow behind the scenes.

Howard: Like a puppet master!

 

Howard: What do I get?

Louis: You've been wanting an office near the bathroom.

David: You're currently napping in your office.

 

Eli: Maybe next time get some doors on your conference room.

 

David: We don't want [Diane] gone. We just want to nudge her aside.

 

Clarke: People think that by adding "zealously" to everything it makes it all right.

 

Peter: Have you been wearing perfume back here?

Eli: Yeah. You don't like it?

Peter: Jackie?

Eli: She likes to sit at your desk when you're not here.

Peter: You know, it's odd that he wrote her as Lady MacBeth. I think Mother MacBeth would have made more sense. Well, who's our replacement going to be?

Eli: For Jackie? I don't know. I could make up a list.

 

Howard: What is this?

Alicia: A Xerox of a takeout menu.

Howard: What is this?

Alicia: Uh, it's a transcript.

Howard: Transcript of a deposition, to be exact. It's not offensive to say Indian council. They don't mind Indian. Would you read from here, Mrs. Florrick?

Alicia: "Question: how do you turn this thing on? Is this the new kind of smart phone? Answer: yes."

Howard: Wait a minute, wait a minute.

David: You mean here.

Alicia: "Question: on March 6, 2013, did you send Chief Joshua Proudfoot of the Chippewa Nation $10,000 in cash to induce the tribe not to object to this adoption? Answer: I did."

Howard: So you did?

Alicia: No, I just read that. That was one of your associates being deposed.

 

Jackie: I see where Alicia's drinking comes from.

Veronica: And Peter's rudeness.

 

Alicia: Cary, you do it. She liked you. Work your magic.

Cary: Gawd, I am the new Will. Sorry.

 

Diane: You want some whiskey?

Louis: Sure. My meds are just kicking in. This could be interesting.

 

Veronica: I was going to put out the lasagna.

Jackie: Your daughter's going to be late again. I'd wait.

Veronica: Well that's what happens when you work for a living, Jackie, a concept that's probably alien to you.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Cary: I think we need to talk.

Alicia: We did talk. You yelled at me. I yelled at you.

Eli: Is that Peter?

 

Detective: You know who has the hardest time getting arrested? Lawyers. You know why?

Cary: Because we know our rights.

 

Cary: This is harassment!

Detective: No, this is even worse. It's inefficiency.

 

Diane: I have 45 clients I intend to bring to Florrick Agos. I lose 12 to Lockhart Gardner.

Alicia: Won't Canning and David Lee come after the rest?

Diane: Not if I don't tell them I'm leaving.

Alicia: That sounds familiar.

 

Cary: Sometimes the law is nothing more than calling another man's bluff.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Alicia: Chum Hum has agreed to an advance on our fees. It was Cary's case. I move that we use it to get him out on bail.

Robin: I second!

Cary #2: Well you can't second. You're not a partner.
Robin: I urge someone else to second.

Cary #2: I second.

 

Alicia: You look thin.

Cary: Yeah, diet, fresh air.

[NutMeg]

ElectricBoogaloo, thanks, these are fantastic and I cracked up repeatedly. I must have missed some of these the first time around - great fun! 

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Joy Brubeck: Mr. Agos, let me give you some advice. I do this because I care. I know it doesn't sound like it but that's jjust the way I talk.

 

Alicia: "My conscience is clear but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me." So doesn't that mean that you can sin and not even know it?

Grace: I guess.

Alicia: So intent is irrelevant to guilt.

Grace: Yeah, but that's only one verse.

Alicia: Yeah, but that's all I need. I'm just looking for a precedent.

Grace: It's called proof-texting, mom. You can't do that. You have to look at what the whole Bible says.

Alicia: But aren't all the verses considered true?

Grace: Well, yeah, but you can't pick and choose.

Alicia: I'm a lawyer. That's what I do.

 

Alicia: I didn't know you were religious.

Dean: I almost became a priest.

Alicia: Really? When?

Dean: Right out of high school.

Alicia: Why didn't you?

Dean: To Kill a Mockingbird.

Alicia: Yeah, that book created a lot of lawyers.

Edited October 7, 2014 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Eli: You're a brand now - Saint Alicia.

Alicia: Eli, I wish you would say that with at least a hint of irony.

Eli: No, irony is dead now. You're campaigning. JFK could be funny. You can't. There's too many bloggers out there quoting every ironic comment as truth.

Alicia: Okay, I stop joking.

 

Elfman: Why did you get into law?

Alicia: I like clarity. I like rules that tell me what's right and wrong.

Elfman: And you wanted to help people with those rules?

Alicia: No. I know I'm supposed to say yes but I just wanted to be inside something that made sense to me. I never thought about-

Elfman: People?

Alicia: Yeah.

Eli: Maybe don't put that in the stump speech.

 

Alicia: The skeletons in my closet?

Eli: Yes. [thumps a big file on the table]

Alicia: That's a lot of skeletons.

Eli: Have you ever seen The Matrix?

Alicia: Yes.

Eli: Remember when they show Keanu a red pill and a blue one? And if he takes the red pill, he'll keep going down the rabbit hole? This is the red pill.

 

Elfman: There are some issues with your brother and your mom.

Alicia: Of course there are!

Elfman: Gay support, especially financial support, it matters to your campaign. That's why your brother's actions matter.

Alicia: What did he do?

Elfman: He's been having an affair with a married Palestinian man who also does bareback gay porn under the name Phil.

Alica: I don't know how to answer that.

Eli: It's the affair with the married man that's the most problematic.

Elfman: Well, that and the bareback gay porn.

Eli: Yeah, and the porn.

 

Alicia: What about Grace: What did she do? Turning tricks after school?

Eli: Well, actually...no, that was a joke. Grace is good.

Alicia: Christianity 3, aetheism 0.

 

Elfman: The timestamp [of the photo] reads 8:27am and Mr. Polmar's leaving your apartment.

Alicia: Yes, well, I don't like my kids seeing who I sleep with. How could they get out in time for their abortions?

Eli: Okay, remember what I said about irony during campaigns?

 

Elfman: Who's Kalinda?

Alicia: She's an investigator who used to work in the SA's office. She slept with my husband. Now she works at my firm.

 

Elfman: If it's any consolation, Mrs. Florrick-

Alicia: Alicia. Anyone who's pawed through my underwear drawer should really call me by my first name.

 

Eli: Alicia's running for state's attorney. I need to know where my landmines are.

Kalinda: Well, this is not a landmine.

Eli: Really? Peter Florrick sleeps with you while you're working at the state's attorney's office then he sleeps with prostitutes while you become Alicia's best friend.

Kalinda, Well, not best friend.

Eli: Uh, out of all those things I just said, you find objectionable the best friend charge?

 

Eli: Believe me, this is the last lunch I wanted to have.

Kalinda: Good. Then we're okay.

Eli: So now we have to wait for lunch.

Kalinda: Or we could just go.

Eli: Without ordering or paying?

Kalinda: Yup.

 

Alicia :There's a photo of you leaving my apartment at 8:30am on March 18.

Finn: Really? Is it a good photo?

Alicia: Depends.

Finn: Were we up to something naughty?

Alicia: Witness prep.

Finn: Whew, disgusting.

[betsyboo]

"I'll talk to Zach."

"OHNO, Peter. This one is MINE."

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Diane: Where's Cary?

Cary #2: Here.

Diane: No, Agos Cary.

 

Dean: Wow, this must have been what it was like to practice law before computers.

 

Eli: Tell Finn he can endorse you at an inner city event with twenty people at some stinky high school gym. Tell Finn he has been disinvited.

Alicia: I can't do that.

Eli: Yes, you can. You're running for office. You can do whatever you like. Why are all the computers here counting down? I feel like I'm in a Bruckheimer movie.

 

Diane: David, I'm awaiting an important email that was inadvertently sent to my LG email address and I need you to do me the courtesy of forwarding it.

David: Certainly, just as soon as monkeys fly out of my butt.

Diane: Well that was fairly crass.

 

Diane: Cockroaches are not romantic.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Elfman: You're on record saying you're an aetheist, Alicia, and voters don't vote for aetheists so you need to take this opportunity to say you've changed.

Alicia: Changed to what?

Elfman: To someone who isn't an aetheist.

Alicia: And if I don't say that?

Elfman: Then you'll lose.

Alicia: And if I say it's none of their business?

Elfman: It is their business.

Alicia: My lack of religion is their business.

Elfman: Yes. You're asking them to vote for you so they deserve to know who you are.

Alicia: I'm an aetheist.

Elfman: They deserve to know who we want them to think you are.

 

Marissa: I'm your body woman.

Alicia: I'm sorry?

Marissa: I'm your body woman. I didn't know what it was either. It's like your personal assistant. I stick to you, making sure you're on time, get on calls, and your food isn't poisoned. I'm Marissa, Eli's daughter.

Alicia: Oh, right. Hi. I actually don't think I need a body woman.

Elfman [off camera]: Yes, you do!

Marissa: Dad would be upset if you said no because I'm supposed to spy for him but I'm not a very good spy so don't worry.

 

Ellsbeth: They sell farting apps.

 

Josh: You're scared of sidewalk grates! Yes, the way you're walking, you're avoiding the grates. Omigawd, you're so adorable. Come here. Walk with me.

Ellsbeth: No, no I'm fine.

Josh: These things can support ten thousand pounds. I could be carrying a hundred of you and ahhhh!

 

David: I have a friend at OSHA.

Howard: Jacques Cousteau's son?

 

Alicia: "I advised J-Serve that China's a patriarchal society and having a brash and bitchy female CEO was problematic." Didn't you say that, Mr. Fong?

Fong: Yes, but just to be clear, I put air quotes around "bitchy."

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Alicia: That's a bit unsubtle, isn't it?

Eli: Alicia, you're not writing a poem. You're practicing politics.

 

Elfman: This is the most important advice I'm ever going to give you, Alicia - questions are for dopes.

 

Alicia: I'm going home to get drunk.

Eli: That's a joke, right?

Alicia: It is. I know - don't joke.

 

Finn: That's a little bit incestuous.

Alicia: If we were siblings!

Edited November 5, 2014 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Alicia: Eli, I went to the soup kitchen because I'm sick of thinking about myself.

Eli: Then think about me!

 

Eli: You want to do some good? We make a photo op.

Alicia: That's not doing a good deed.

Eli:  Stop acting like this is about you becoming a better person. It's about you appearing like a better person.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Elfman: Go to the Irish music.

[engineer plays upbeat music]

Josh: Yeah, great, that's it. A festive courthouse shooting. What are you, an idiot? Irish wake music.

Marissa: How about the music from Titanic? You could even cut to shots from Titanic.

 

Alicia: I won't stand beside you, not again, Peter. Not in a million years. So don't listen to me. Keep lying to me. I don't care. But do listen to your political instincts. You want to be re-elected. You want me to be elected. Then zip up your pants, shut your mouth, and stop banging the help.

 

Josh: You look great. I like your hair this way.

Alicia: I do too.

 

Alicia: All I could think about was my kids, being home with them... which I wanted to be - because child services said I had to.

 

Cary: I'm not a gambler but it's amazing how prison makes you one.

Edited November 20, 2014 by ElectricBoogaloo

[twizzwhizz11]

I may not have it exactly right, but Eli's "I trust assassins more than I trust teachers" had me in stitches.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Jackie: Alicia is a good mother. She would never stab a teacher.

 

Marisa: They're arguing again.

Alicia: About the interview?

Marisa: I have no idea. I think they just like it.

 

Marisa: I have an opinion.

Eli: Uh, no, you don't. Not when you're the body woman.

 

Eli: The only bad people to have in your life are teachers. I trust assassins over teachers.

Marisa: This was my childhood. People ask why I turned out the way I did.

 

Finn: Accordian music kind of turns me on.

 

Alicia: I have a request that's going to make us both uncomfortable.

Finn: That's why I'm here.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Eli: You've to get her in the game.

Marissa: I'm her body woman, not her fluffer.

 

Prison consultant: Less talking, more sex!

Edited January 5, 2015 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Elfman: I thought [Peter] broke it off [with Ramona].

Marissa: Yeah, stuck it in and broke it off.

 

Consultant: "All marriages have their blah blah."
Elfman: That's acknowledging the premise of the question.

Consultant: He slept with prostitutes. I think the premise has been acknowledged.

 

Pastor: Do you want me to pray for you?

Peter: I don't know what I would have you pray for.

Pastor: That you be a good man. Do you want to be good?
Peter: I think it's a litte late for that.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Alicia: Use your little decoder ring and your West Wing tweets to tell the pac to stop these homophobic robocalls.

 

Marissa: Hi, I'm Marissa. I'm the body woman.

Sweeney: Really? The whole body or just parts of the body?

 

Alicia: We take your business very seriously, Mr. Sweeney. We have two name partners fighting for you in court.

Sweeney: Yes, but Diane and Cary don't like me.

Alicia: I don't like you either.

Sweeney: Don't be silly.

 

Dylan: It's illegal to drive and talk on the phone. There's a $75 fine. But it's more with a child in the car.

 

Redmayne: I love mankind but I hate people, especially when they eat.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Elfman: Look, we're entering the home stretch. We're a week away from election day and you and Prady are neck and neck so this interview today, it's everything.

Marissa: You have a great bedside manner. "Don't worry about it but if you screw this up, everyone will die."

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Prady: Is this another "come to Jesus" moment? Because I don't know how many more of these I can take.

 

Martin: [Alicia]'s a liar. She told them exactly what they wanted to hear and I'll bet you every dollar I have they knew she was lying. They wanted her to lie because people respect someone who's willing to lie for what they believe in. It shows strength. They don't respect the truth.

 

Marissa: I'm thinking of getting a tramp stamp. What do you think?

 

McVeigh: That's not a question for lawyers. Thats for politicians. You want to run, run.

 

Marissa: You're a real dirtbag, you know that?

Elfman: No, I didn't know that.

Marissa: You're letting my dad bully you.

Elfman: Marissa, you don't know what you're talking about.

Marissa: He threatened to yank your next job unless you advised Alicia to back down.

Elfman: Alicia and Peter are better off standing together. They're a package deal.

Marissa: A package deal, yeah, I heard my dad say it already, dirtbag.

Elfman: You know what, Marissa? Why don't you leave me alone, okay? Your job is to give her chapstick and breath mints, not bust my balls.

Marissa: Gawd, handsome men are so weak.

 

Prady: Can I tell you a secret?

Alicia: Who else but your opponent?

 

Eli: Alica, what the hell? You're sending money to Hamas?

Alicia: No, it's not me. It's Louis Canning. He's sick and he wanted to do something nice-

Eli: What? Send money to Hamas?

 

Alicia: So you setting me up?

Louis: Am I setting you up?

Alicia: The $18 million you wanted donated. Is that a scheme with David Lee?

Louis: I really have no idea what you're talking about.

Alicia: You wanted your stocks liquidated and given to a Palestinian charity.

Louis: I what?

Alicia: The donor's family. You wanted $18 million give to them. You wanted to do good.
Louis: No, I didn't! When have you ever known me to want to do good?

Alicia: You don't remember the conversation we had yesterday? You gave me power of attorney.

Louis: Alicia, what the hell? Where's my money? Anesthesia plus tremor meds - I was in a fugue state! I can'! Where's my money?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Diane: So this is the top one percent of the top one percent of the top one percent?

Kurt: We're not going to talk like communists here, okay? We discussed this.

Diane: I might start soliciting for the ACLU. Your wife is unpredictable that way.

 

Diane: If I were to set off a bomb in this room, we'd have Democratic presidents for the next thirty years.

Kurt: Okay, let's just keep that to ourselves.

 

Marissa: Okay, so we set up your avatar.

Alicia: Wow, I look good.
Marissa: Yeah, every girl's bra size increases a letter when they become an avatar.

 

Georgette: So you're a lawyer too then?

Diane: Is it that obvious?

Georgette: No, you're not Jewish. Gil hates all the Jews around. He's not anti-Semitic or anything. It's just I used to date a Jewish guy and I think he gets a little jealous.

 

Elfman: We need someone that people implicity trust to record a call for us.

Josh: What about what's his name? Uh, uh, uh, the oatmeal guy, blah blah blah?

Marissa: The Quaker?

Josh: No, no, I eat oatmeal, I'm old and I eat oatmeal.

Alicia: Wilford Brimley?

Josh: Yes!

Eflman: Uh, isn't he dead?

Josh: Or the President!

Alicia: Obama?

Josh: No! Him, you know! Come on, why am I the only one thinking here?

Marissa: Martin Sheen?

Josh: Yeah!

Marissa: Omigawd, it's scaring me I'm on his wavelength now.

 

Diane: Did I say something wrong?
RD: Well, I can think of one thing. Georgette isn't his wife. She's his call girl.

 

RD: We were letting Gil get away with that for a few years now. Said he could bring either a call girl or a Democrat. People voted and said they'd rather the call girl.

Diane: That was a joke, right?

RD: No.

 

Josh: Would you stop it with the cappuccino, Marissa?

Marissa: At least I have a skill to fall back on if this falls through.

Edited March 27, 2015 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Redmayne: I love women's feet.

 

Bishop: Please extend me the courtesy of not interrupting.

 

Alicia: You mean Guy Redmayne, the man who came in here and pressed his groin against me, compared my feet to those of an Arizona prostitute, and then demanded I hired a deputy SA of his choosing?

Eli: Yes, him! So?

 

Eli: Absence of yes times time equals no. That's the law!

 

Diane: Mr. Dalton, are you careful where you advertise your movie?

Dalton: Very careful.

Cary: You would never associate with a porn site like Teenagers and Hounds?

 

Redmayne: You like Taylor Swift?

Alicia: Excuse me?

Redmayne: Taylor Swift. You know, shake that thing? What is it?

Crystal: Shake it off.

Redmayne: Shake it off, right. Shake it off. I love that song. Do you?

 

Diane: And you apparently called David Lee a racist fruitcake.

Julius: What? When? I mean, I know he is, but I don't remember writing that.

 

Cary: I think an apology is in order.

Diane: From whom to whom?

Cary: Take your pick.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Charles: I got no choice. I can't afford to get scooped.

Josh: But you can afford to be a tool. That's good to know. You know, the next time I need a tool.

 

Finn: Do you have a dollar?

Kalinda: Uh, yeah. Why?

Finn: Because I need it.

 

Alicia: It's kind of odd that we're discussing this so calmly.

Peter: I'm hoping it's maturity.

Alicia: Really? Is that what it looks like?

Peter: Talking calmly, not yelling, making sense, yeah.

 

Alicia: You're like an 18 year old. Everything is about where you can stick it.

 

Peter: I know you think I've been a dog, Alicia, and I know you think I've been a bad husband but I've never been as bad as you've wanted me to be.

[merylinkid]

 

 

Finn: Do you have a dollar?

Kalinda: Uh, yeah. Why?

Finn: Because I need it.

 

Urrrgh, I hate this.   They do this on all shows where someone hires a lawyer.   Money does NOT need to exchange hands in order for there to be a lawyer-client relationship.   As long as the client thinks that person is their attorney, the relationship exists.   That is why attorneys spend a lot of time in real life writing non-engagement letters stating emphatically, I am not your attorney.   Once Kalinda consulted Finn for advice that was it.   He had a duty of confidentiality to her, even if he never did another damn thing.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Alicia: Marissa, do you mind getting us some coffee?

Marissa: How long do you need? Because there's a falafel truck downstairs.

Eli: Just the coffee!

 

Eli: Life...sucks.

 

Randolph: Statistics are nonsense. Shiny nonsense but nonsense nonetheless.

 

Randolph: You know the old saying: politicians use statistics like drunks use lampposts - more for support than illumination.

 

Marissa: I want to marry him!

Edited April 21, 2015 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Alicia: This is not the way I want to practice the law.

Carey: What? You mean successfully?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Daniel: Uh huh.

Alicia: Uh huh meaning yes?

Daniel: Yes. Correct. Affirmative.

 

Amber: That doesn't seem right.

Alicia: I know. But it's legal.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Alicia: Sit down, Eli.

Eli: I would but I don't like sitting on steps. I always think, "Dogs urinate there."

 

Alicia: So you're remaking me as a homemaker?

Eli: No. but the ghostwriter wanted to drive it toward courtroom and action and I just wanted a bit more balance.

Alicia: So you want me to play the wife with the cookie recipes.

Eli: Alicia, no.

Alicia: "Ask A. for possible recipes here."

 

Charles Lester: You know a word you don't hear very much anymore? Demure. How about bringing that one back?

[whatsatool]

Love the Demure one and Eli is always gold, but Kalicia had the best lines and facial expressions this ep.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Luca: I voted for you.

Alicia: Oh. Sorry about that.

 

Judge Don: Gentlemen, you have three bar attorneys here for you today. They've been approved by the Chicago Bar Association to help with the non-indigents. That means you. Congratulations, gentlemen - you may think you are poor but you're not poor enough to have a public defender.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Alicia: I don't want to work with you.

Louis: Why not?

Alicia: You're the devil.

Louis: I thought you liked me.

Alicia: I do like you.

 

Nora: You're snapping your fingers at me. I don't know what snapping fingers means.

 

Nora: You don't drink smoothies.

Eli: I know. I'm changing like a butterfly.

 

Peter: I think [Ruth] partially believes in me but more importantly she dislikes the Clintons.

 

Judge Farley: Are we going to hear from a scissors expert today?

 

Eli: I'm pretty irresistible.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Howard: I can sum up the Cubs' turnaround in one word - Jews.

 

Howard: Either Cary goes or I do.

David: Did he just issue the easiest ultimatum in history?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Alicia: My guess is they're pushing you out because of performance. You don't do anything, Howard.

 

Alicia: You can't bring an ageism suit if you quit. You have to be fired. And you can't let them fire you for cause.

Howard: So what do I do?

Alicia: WORK HARDER.

 

Judge Don: He may be a thief, but he's a prompt thief.

 

ADA: This is semantics.

Judge Don: No, it's the law. Do you know the difference? I get a gavel.

 

Eli: I just wish we had another chair. We could have a prayer circle.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Canning: Diane, why are you doing this? You're fighting for a cause you fundamentally don't believe in.

Diane: Because you make me angry.

 

Alicia: So you beat up a judge?

Jason: I hit a judge. I wanted to beat up a judge but I got tackled after the first punch.

 

Ethan: What's next?

Diane: Just closing statements and crossing our fingers.

Ethan: I trust in good arguments, not magical happenings.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Marissa: What are you getting out of this? Besides this luxurious office.

 

Eli: I've never been fired in my life.

Marissa: I know. And it hurts. I've been fired eight times and it doesn't get easier.

 

Howard: You better watch it, buddy boy. I am this close to filing suit.

Cary: In order to sue somebody, you have to know how.

 

Howard: Why does [Cary] get to go first?

Diane: I'm doing it alphabetically.

Howard: Hmph. Convenient.

Diane: Cary, what are your greivances? How are you aggrieved?

Cary: He's embarrassing in front of clients.

Howard: That's code for old.

Cary: And he sticks his nose where it doesn't belong.

Howard: That's code for Jewish.

 

Howard: Geezer, gargoyle, old fart, Flaccido Domingo - that one hurt especially given my devotion to the opera and my sexual prowess.

 

Howard: I want to call a witness.

Cary: You can't call a witness, Howard. This isn't a hearing.

Howard: I call Diane Lockhart to the stand.

 

Marissa: I'm giving you the chance to make an impact.

Eli: It's HAVE an impact, MAKE a difference.

 

Marissa: He's offering twice as much as you're making now.

Eli: How do you know how much I make?

Marissa: I'm a witch.

 

Eli: I see you're running an adult daycare now.

Edited November 3, 2015 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Alicia: What's up, Eli?

Eli: What's the best thing about Peter?

Alicia: Excuse me?
Eli: I need a quote from you for Peter's bio.

Alicia: Do you need it to be true?

Eli: True adjacent.

 

Diane: I like [Monica].

David: No. Easy pass.

Diane: I know she didn't go to a top tier law school.

David: Top tier? Loyola barely made it to second tier.

Cary: I like Monica too but I do worry about her LSATs.

Diane: I thought you wanted new talent, Cary.

Cary: Yeah, and we have it in Brian, John Michael, and the other one.

Diane: You mean the three that look like you?

 

Nora: Ruth stole Landau from you, and yet you seem happy about it. What's that about?

Eli: I'm a good person.

Nora: No. You're setting Peter up.

 

Diane: A lot of things that aren't fair are true!

 

Ruth: We lost the old state capitol building.

Eli: What? How?

Ruth: There's an interfaith breakdancing competition on the steps.

Eli: Are you kidding me?

Ruth: We need the parallel to Obama. It's not just any steps. It's the town hall steps. The advance team - they're suggesting the steps to the local gym. They say they look the same. It doesn't matter if they look the same. It's a gym. Did Lincoln exercise there? Did he talk about a house divided while on the treadmill?

[Eli looks for pictures of the gym online]

Eli: Not bad. Are those crosses?

Ruth: No. Decorative Xs.

Eli: With a decorative Jesus?

Ruth: Why are there crosses? It's a Catholic gym.

Eli: A Catholic gym? Is that a thing?

Ruth: A gym at a Catholic school.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Holman: This is bull crap!

 

Lucca: Do you miss it?

Alicia: The pressure to bill hours, kowtow to clients, and wrangle all those personalities?

Lucca: The money.

 

Ephraim: Technology can overcome most obstacles but it can't overcome human nature,

 

Jason: I don't like signing things.

 

Nora: I have an MBA from Syracuse. I graduated summa cum laude. And I spent at year at the Sorbonne studying French poetry. I'm done playing I Love Lucy for you.

 

Lucca: If you don't mind, Mr. Dudewicz-

Dudewicz: I do mind. I do mind mediocrity. It has a taint like burned toast, and you stink of it.

 

Dudewicz: Does that answer your question? Can I make it even simpler for you? Tell me if these words get too complicated.

 

Cary: Who else believes that AI has the potential to be dangerous?

Dudewicz: Elon Musk, Stephen Hawking, Bill Gates.

Cary: This is not an unorthodox position?

Dedewicz: Certainly it's unorthodox. It's held by geniuses - like myself.

 

Peter: Tequila? Wow. You've graduated.

 

Alicia: Wanna get laid?

Peter: Do you?

Alicia: Sure. I've got 20 minutes.

 

Dudewicz:I don't like thank yous. They're a remnant of a hypocritical society.

 

Jackie: Howard and I are engaged!

Peter: Are you insane, mom?

[Alicia laughs and laughs and laughs]

 

Jackie: Doesn't anyone want to hear how [Howard] proposed?

Peter: No.

Eli: No.

Alicia: Oh, yes! Please!

 

Courtney: So you were in Selma during the march?

Howard: Yeah, I was there for a deposition. Even got to meet the man himself, Dr. King.

Courtney: Really?

Howard: Told him to speed things up. Couldn't get to my car.

 

Alicia: You want a drink?

Eli: Yeah. Or a gun.

 

Jackie: It was so nice spending with you, Miss Page. You are an inspiration to all urban children.

 

Courtney: I still am a Houston girl. My drink of choice - any soda with the word "cherry" in it.

 

Dudewicz: Mr. Brewster, the idiot coder over there, had idiot coder friends, all idiot coders too and they all eat at Acapulco and smell like elephants at the circus.

Edited December 8, 2015 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Ethan: Wouldn't it be odd if the person who respected you the most agreed was the person you agreed with the least?

 

Eli: I'm not telling you how to advise. You want to encourage [Courtney] to chase socialism to the graveyard of history, be my guest.

 

Ethan: This isn't about abortion anymore. This is about the first amendment.

Diane: Which you're using as a weapon to attack women and medicine in choice.

 

Ethan: Anyone can defend a sympathetic client with popular beliefs. The real test of the first amendment is whether we are willing to stand up for people and ideas we hate.

Diane: Well, that's more persuasive and plainspoken than you normally are.

Ethan: I was quoting you.

Diane: Why do I have to be so damn convincing?

 

Courtney: Do you know Matthew 20?
Alicia: No, but I'm sure my daughter does.

Courtney: All the hired hands are given the same pay, last to arrive and first to work in the heat of the day.

Alicia: Why?
Courtney: Because the last shall be first and the first shall be last.

Alicia: Okay, but I do know that Bible stories aren't usually the best business plans.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Alicia: You want us to help?

Canning: Actually I need Lucca to help but I know you two have this Bert and Ernie thing going on.

 

Harmon: Math is not racist.

 

Courtney: You're staring at me. I can feel it.

Eli: I can't help it. You are very sexy when you're writing a check.

 

Alicia: I feel like I'm pandering to housewives. And anyone who knows me will smell the bull crap a mile away.

Ruth: Yes, but it's Iowa. All they smell is bull crap.

 

Ruth: Are [Alicia and Jason] having an affair?

Eli:..........................No, of course not..........No.

Ruth: He came by the apartment while I was filming Alicia's internet ads and she touched him.

Eli: Touched him where?

Ruth: His arm.

Eli: Like a massage?

 

Eli: Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?

Jason: Depends.

Eli: On what?

Jason: The questions.

 

Alicia: You're telling me when I sleep with Jason, you'd rather I keep it private?

 

Eli: This is a speech that I normally give to the candidate but I will adapt it for you.

Alicia: Lucky me.

Eli: Rule number one: no touching in public. Ever. If Jason is on fire, let him burn. Touching in private, no such thing. Nowhere is private anymore.

Alicia: Clearly.

Eli: Rule number two: if you have to go out together, make sure there's always a third party present, preferably female. Rule number three: even if you go out in a bigger group, never, under any circumstances, let it be in a hotel, a bar, or a hotel bar.

 

Nora: That was the most embarrassing thing I've ever done, Eli, and I've done your laundry.