This Is The Quotes Thread

[bettername2come]

Toby: Serious Toby is very excited. It's just hard to tell because he's so serious. 

*

Deja: You're enjoying this way too much. Something is wrong with you.

*

Jack: Miguel and Shelly said - 

Rebecca: Who cares what Miguel and Shelly said? Who made them experts? Their kids are trainwrecks! 

*

Randall: I'm not going to cry today. I know a lot of you like to take bets on that. 

*

Annie: I wanna see!

Beth: No, baby. There are some things you can't unsee and this is one of them. 

*

Malik: You know Deja's gonna lose her mind, right?

Randall: Oh, I'm counting on it. 

 

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Madison: You are obsessed with impressing this nanny. I thought we were interviewing her, not the other way around.
Kevin: Babe, you don't understand. Natasha is like nanny royalty. Timberlake said that he and Jess wept when she left to go to another family. Now that's what my family deserves, does it not? A nanny that makes Timberlake weep like a little baby.

Jae-won: There's something I need to show you.
Randall: I don't know if I would say that while closing the door wearing a naked man shirt.

Toby: [Marc] has a myspace page? Of all the things that you have told me about this guy, him having a myspace page is the creepiest.

Kate: What do you remember about our relationship? Like when you look back on it, I mean.
Marc: Really? That's why you're here? To rehash our six month relationship from twenty years ago?
Kate: You know what? Forget about it. Goodbye, Marc.
Marc: Sorry, hold on. When I look back on it, I think we were in love. You had great taste in music. And you were broken, you know, in all the right places. And yeah, things got intense at times but like we were kids.
Kate: No. I was a kid. You were a 24 year old man. And I wasn't broken. I was grieving. My dad just died and I was destroyed and so vulnerable and you knew it. You liked it. What you did to me, how you held my self esteem in your hand and then you decided to crush it, that damaged me, Marc. For years, I swallowed my dreams, my feelings, and a lot of food. The time that it took me to heal from you took years and I can't get them back.

Madison: Kevin, I am deeply aware that you come from a family of great speech givers.

Edited January 6, 2021 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Kate: Thank you for the Edible Arrangement. It is elaborate, Kev - and kind of romantic?
Kevin: Was it? I told them to take it easy on the chocolate covered strawberries. I wasn't sure what the appropriate gift would be for when the birth mother of your twin sister's baby is being induced.
Kate: Well, it's actually a Tesla.
Kevin: They were all out of chocolate covered Teslas.

Kevin: Tonight is my big courtroom scene, you know, the one where I cross examine DeNiro.
Kate: That sounds terrifying.
Kevin: Yeah, it's my big "Did you order the code red?" moment. Every time I think about it, I pee a little.
Kate: Well, that's gross.

Kevin: Tell the birth mother I said "happy pushing."
Kate: I'm not gonna do that but, hey, will you tell DeNiro I loved him in Meet the Fockers?

Kevin: Miguel, I swear to God if you were here right now, I'd kiss you right on the mouth.
Miguel: Thank you.
Kevin: I'd regret it immediately afterward but in the heat of the moment, I would kiss you right on those beautiful lips.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Esther: I found a Swede, a South African, two Thais, a Scot, and a Brit. Does a Scot count as a Brit?

Rebecca: I can't even tell if [90210] is a terrible show or if [Kate]'s just terrible at recapping it.

Rebecca: You know what else I'm psyched to not have to listen to? Kevin and Randall bickering about everything. Here is to an entire weekend without having to hear the word "buttmunch."

Rebecca: I want a cocktail.
Miguel: Are you sure? The doctor said with your meds, you could-
Rebecca: One drink every once in a while would not kill me. In this case, I feel like it might actually save my life.
Miguel: Well, how would a cocktail really compare to Girl Talk: A Game of Truth or Dare?

Toby's list of middle names:
Rhonda
Mae
Louise
Maxine
Victoria
Nicole
Elizabeth
Rachel
Darla
Fogelman
Olin
Phoebe
Roxy
Patti
Foggy
Elizabeth

Arlo: We went to Austria on our honeymoon because The Sound of Music came out that year and she wanted to see Salzburg.
Toby: I get it. I made Kate move to Pasadena just for the Back to the Future house.
 

[madmax]

6 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Rebecca: I want a cocktail.
Miguel: Are you sure? The doctor said with your meds, you could-
Rebecca: One drink every once in a while would not kill me. In this case, I feel like it might actually save my life.
Miguel: Well, how would a cocktail really compare to Girl Talk: A Game of Truth or Dare?

 

The best part of that quote was when she said a cocktail would save his life.

I've often felt that way about my husband.

[bettername2come]

Birth Mother: I left a little surprise for you on the birth certificate. First name Hailey, middle name Z’Comet.

Randall: I always saw you as Pippen to my Jordan.

Beth: I had the baby, I am Jordan.

 

Beth: See, Annie? This is why Jordan sometimes did it all by his damn self.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Randall: [Annie] is an angel sent down from God himself.
Beth: Excuse me? Nobody sent anybody down from anywhere. I spent two days slowly ejecting her from my body.

Beth: Remember we are stopping by Dairy Queen on our way home and getting me a Snickers blizzard.
Randall: Yes, ma'am.
Beth: When I was in labor, Randall promised me I could have anything I wanted and I chose DQ. I could have dreamed higher, but no regrets.

Vera: I think [Annie] has your eyes, dad.
Randall: Really? I didn't notice.
Beth: Oh, she definitely does. She looks like she could start laughing or crying at any moment. That is all you.

Randall: We should think about a new car.
Beth: Pushing for that Mercedes S class again?
Randall: No, a family car so we have more space. And, you know, in case we have a third.
Beth: A third what?
Randall: I said in case.
Beth: My insides are basically on my outsides right now and you're talking to me about a third kid?
Randall: Okay, I'm sorry. I take it back.
Beth: You know what's two things you don't do to a brand new mother? Mention having a new baby and two is drive past the Dairy Queen when you promised her a Snickers blizzard.

Randall: Can I just say one more thing about not closing the door on having a third kid?
Beth: Are you out of your mind? Do I have to throw something at you?
Randall: I guess I always thought that if we had two girls that we would go for a boy.
Beth: You did not just say "go for a boy."
Randall: I always imagined myself throwing a ball around with a boy, you know - having that special relationship.
Beth: You used to go over to your mom's house every Sunday to watch Felicity together. You think that wasn't a special relationship.
Randall: It doesn't have to be a boy. I would love a third girl. I'm just saying we make great kids. And I don't want to close the door.
Beth: Then Randall, you carry the next one.

 

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Beth: You can't hide out here forever.
Randall: I'm not hiding. I'm just enjoying the view.
Beth: The view is a fence. And you brought out a heater. And a coffee maker.

Beth: [My mom] follows me around with a Swiffer.

Beth: She wants to have a big family dinner before she goes and I am going to pull out all the stops. I'm telling you - her favorite chicken curry, linen napkins.
Randall: Carol's last supper.
Beth: Oh, no, no. It's much more than that. It's the "make a perfect dinner to prove that I'm a capable mother so she can stop judging me" supper.
Randall: Oh, good. I love a dinner with something to prove.

Annie: I want to watch NCIS.
Déjà: Annie, that's for old people.
Annie: Grandma got me into it.
Déjà: I don't care!
Annie: Mark Harmon's a dreamboat.
Déjà: A dreamboat? Isn't he like 65?

Rebecca: Show them that you are more than a foreman.
Jack: More than a foreman.
Rebecca: You're a five man.

Toby: They have an entire room dedicated to cereal.

Randall: There's a lot of strong, opinionated women inside. Now that you're here, we're evening out the gender scale. You, me, and my new basil plant.
Malik: Your basil's a guy?
Randall: Actually, basil plants don't have a gender. They're pollinated by small flying insects. But also yes, he's a dude.

Randall: My daughters never come to me for advice and I am so full of wonderful advice to share. What is it? School, career, book recommendation?

Randall: If I had a chance to know my mom, it would have saved me a lot of time in therapy.

Kevin: I wonder if I'll get dad bod. What is dad body anyway? Is that skinny fat or is that like pear shaped? Who knows anymore? Anyway, it doesn't matter. I'm down with dad bod.

Carol: Oh, Miss Bethany, you have certainly outdone yourself this time.
Beth: Oh, it's nothing. It didn't take too long to grind the spices by hand and then after that I just ironed the napkins and broke out the wedding china so it's not biggie.

Kate: This is going to sound awkward, but thank you for sleeping with my brother.

Coworker: Who knew Pearson had a personality? Until tonight we thought you were all facial hair and flannels.

Tess: Oh, so [Malik] can go on his phone [during dinner] but I can't?
Beth: Yeah, well, if you want to have a baby, you can use your phone too.
Randall: Did you just tell my 13 year old daughter to have a baby?

Randall: Hey, sweetie, can you give us a minute?
Annie: Can I use your ipad?
Randall: You may.
Annie: Take all the time you need.

Toby: This isn't an epic Pearson battle. It's more of an awkward sushi skirmish.

Randall: You want to go through Jennifer's Instagram and trash talk her?
Déjà: What do you think I was just doing?
Randall: Mmmm, girl, bye, what? Duckface with a filter? I don't think so, Jennifer! She tacky. Let me see the next one.

Rebecca: Is now a good time to talk about money?
Jack: Babe, I'm exhausted-
Rebecca: Okay, great.

Nicky: You only named one baby after your favorite uncle?

Edited March 17, 2021 by ElectricBoogaloo

[Empress1]

3 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Randall: Mmmm, girl, bye, what? Duckface with a filter? I don't think so, Jennifer! She tacky. Let me see the next one.

My favorite line of the episode. The delivery was so good.

[bettername2come]

Uncle Nicky: I came to meet my namesake. And the girl. 

Uncle Nicky: (regarding the vaccine) There's a second one?!

Sally: Jack. You have a very proud, determined energy. Cancer?
Jack: Uh, no, I'm fine. 

Uncle Nicky: You just call me Uncle Nicky, okay? No stupid nicknames.

Edited March 25, 2021 by bettername2come

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Uncle Nicky eating sushi for the first time: It's just tiny fancy fish!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Nicky: Miguel, huh? He's the guy who's banging my brother's wife, right?
Kevin: ...I call her mom, but yeah. I think he prefers "Rebecca's husband for over a decade," but yeah, that Miguel.

Nicky: I'd like to help out with the rehearsal dinner, whatever the hell that is.
Kevin: Are you serious?
Nicky: Yeah, why not? Any schmuck who's read a menu can pick out food for dinner.

Beth: I can't believe they went with Mevin over Kadison.
Randall: I can't believe Bruno Mars still picks up his dry cleaning like the rest of us.

Beth: Remember it's your first day [of group therapy]. Just ease into it. Let other people talk.
Randall: I will try, Beth. I will. But I am an orator. I orate.

Randall: You're practicing Alex's gender pronouns right now, aren't you?
Beth: Hell yeah. You know Tess is mean when you get those wrong.
Carol: You can always count on me for back up. My non-binary pronoun use is impeccable. Hmm, looks like J Lo drinks frappuccinos just like me.
Randall: Yeah, just like J Lo.

Kate: Thank you for being such a trooper in this whole transition.
Toby: I appreciate the euphemism but I prefer "forced early retirement without benefits."

Toby: I wanna rock!
Jack: No.

Nicky: Do you want small fancy food or regular sized good food?

Beth: Do you know the difference between agender and bigender?
Carol: Bethany, Alex is a teenager, not the gender police. Now relax. And yes, I do. I'm a woman of the times.

Jace: I just want to say this upfront - this is a transracial adoptee support group. This is not the Harry Potter alliance. Last month there was a little mix up and we had as bunch of very disappointed dudes with wands.

Toby: I love my kids but I don't love spending ten hours a day with them. The couple of days I've done it, time has moved very, very slowly.

Edited April 7, 2021 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Beth: My husband, meeting with a senator.
Randall: He's a state senator, but don't tell him I said that.

Beth: I appreciate whatever this is you're trying to do here, however clumsily.

Randall: I haven't seen her eat dry Lucky Charms like that since finals week in grad school.

Beth: That one clover was hiding, but I got it!

Kevin: You know my mom. She loves you.
Madison: Uh, no. No, no, no. I know Kate's mom. I'm great with Kate's mom. But Kevin's mom? No idea how that's gonna go.

Kevin: My old improv coach, he used to have us play this game called Good, Bad, Worse. It helped loosen us up. Do you know how to play? So basically, it's like this. I'm dreading seeing my director for the screening of my movie this afternoon, okay? So what do I say when I see him? All right, good: Nice to see you, Foster. Thank you for being so understanding when I stormed off your movie set and left you and De Niro completely stranded. Bad: Hey, three names, let's screen this sucker. And then worse: What's up, you pretentious jagweed? Let's screen your stupid movie. Okay, so now you go. You see my mom. What do you say? Good, bad, worse. Go.
Madison: Okay, good: Rebecca! Hi. You look radiant. Bad: Hey, girl. I have hella mommy issues, so thanks for being a Band-Aid.
Kevin: Wow. Okay, worse.
Madison: This is hard.
Kevin: No, no, no. Don't hold back. Let her rip.
Madison: Okay, worse: Sup, Rebecca? How's the Alzheimer's?
Kevin: Wow.

Deja: Do you know Malik showed me a video of Janelle calling Jennifer mama? She's driving from Boston every weekend, five hours each way. It's not sustainable. And Malik knows it's stressing me out. He knows it. But he also knows not to push me to talk about it till I'm ready. That's a wise man.
Randall: Wiser than me. Where's my wife?
Deja: You promise not to try and fix things?
Randall: Nope, can't promise that. Now roll your eyes and tell me where she is.

Kate: I look like strawberry jam.
Rebecca: No! You're just not used to a color that isn't black. Or off black.

Kate: It's a little feathery. 
Madison: I look like Bjork.

Gregory: So is the plan just to destroy the house so the leak feels like less of a problem?

Gregory: I don't know anything about plumbing. Is there anybody else you can call?
Toby: I mean, I could call my father-in-law, Miguel. He made his bones in construction. But, in my experience, that would send up the Pearson Bat signal and I don't really have the bandwidth today to sit around talking about my feelings, then crying about my feelings, then talking about crying about my feelings.

Kevin: It's a piece of crap.
James: Oh, we know.
Kevin: I mean, is he crazy? Maybe I'm too close to it. Maybe I'm wrong.
James: Uh, no, it's actually one of the worst things we've ever seen. We all agree. And we never agree on anything.

Nicky: Did you know they make Godfather onesies? I got one for Nick and Godfather Il for Fran.

Beth: Where are we going?
Randall: Come on. It's an anniversary surprise.
Beth: Six months is not an anniversary. I got leftovers in my fridge older than our relationship.
Randall: You should probably throw those out.
Beth: Is it a masquerade like Leo and Claire Danes in Romeo + Juliet?
Randall: Weird adaptation. They have helicopters but they still call their guns swords?

Randall: We're going to the ballet. I'm so excited. I even learned some French - jeté, pas de bourrée, crème brûlée.

Kevin: Omigawd, does the town already know that the movie sucks?
James: Uh, well, not the whole town. But also it's your reputation. You did walk off the set of your last film.
Kevin: To be there for the birth of my twins.
James: And you also walked off a Broadway play.
Kevin: My brother was having a nervous breakdown at the time, and it was an off-Broadway play.
James: And there was a very public walk-off of a hit sitcom.

Nicky: I got my work cut out for me.
Kevin: You're going to read all this crap?
Nicky: Yeah, one of them is based on a Clancy novel.
Kevin: I think they already made that one twice.
Nicky: Well, I'll see it again.

Zoe: Madison, huh? So how'd it happen? What'd you do, knock her up?

Zoe: That's what I like about you. You completely commit - as an actor, as a person. No matter what happens, you always find a way of making it what you wanted all along.
Kevin: What's that supposed to mean?
Zoe: Sorry, that came out weird. It's a compliment. You have this really positive way of seeing the world. Like when we dated. I mean, you could be craving pizza all day, but if I said I wanted sushi, boom, suddenly you were craving sushi. It's a really lovely quality.

Jack: You're a shoo-in for Berklee. Voice of an angel.
Kate: Not in my lower register.
Jack: In every register.
Kate: You don't even know what that means.

Kevin: All I want to do right now is just veg out and watch the next episode of Bridgerton. I hear it's super steamy.
Madison: I was kind of hoping we could watch the Great British Baking Show. It's bread week. Don't you want to see Paul Hollywood get weirdly erotic as he digs his fingers into some focaccia?

Beth: You want to know why there are so many mirrors in dance studios?
Randall: So you can see yourself dance?
Beth: Sure, but it's more than that. It's to correct mistakes - mistakes measured in fractions of degrees, flaws no one else would even notice. But the mirror is impartial. Ruthless. I used it to zero in on those flaws my entire life. Then I was told I still wasn't good enough. So where does that leave me? I'm a dancer who doesn't dance.

Edited May 12, 2021 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Kate:I can't believe I'm going to the cabin with a bunch of couples.
Rebecca: You're not going with just couples. You'll have me.
Kate: Oh, "Her mother said, before Kate smothered herself to death with a throw pillow."

Randall: You're going to love the cabin. It's mad romantic. 
Beth: You know I dig it when you wear your L.L.Bean.

Beth: I got to admit, I am very into lumberjack Randall.
Randall: It's fisherman Randall. Kevin got everybody fly-fishing gear for the bachelor party.
Beth: What else you guys have on the agenda this weekend, hmm? Gonna order up some strippers to the cabin? Put the "oh" back in Poconos?
Randall: Nicky and Kevin are sober. Toby isn't exactly rowdy. And Miguel's idea of fun is a crossword and a strong herbal tea. So we'll probably be putting the "ay" in Earl Grey.

Rebecca: You look like Ponch.

Nicky: You got any room in your bag for my jigsaw puzzle?

Randall: How was the private jet?
Kevin: Uh, well, Toby passed out so Miguel, of course, spent the whole time searching for wifi so he could get a hold of mom and Uncle Nicky took down an impressive amount of melon balls.
Randall: Sounds about right.

Madison: Kate, I told you I just wanted a chill girl's day, and this is already feeling very Eyes Wide Shut.

Kate: I'm not gonna do anything that's gonna land us in, like, family therapy. Just take us right to the cusp.

Joe: Where should we set up? And did you want to paint me in boxer briefs or full nude?
Rebecca: The latter.

Beth: Wow, Mr. Pearson was ridiculously handsome. Even with the mustache.

Rebecca: Ugh. I can't get the right color for his nipples.
Beth: Why don't you try a little orange?
Kate: Madison, is this too weird? Cause I can send him home. Like, I have plenty of other activities that we can do.
Madison: No, it's fine. Honestly, I decided the best revenge against a guy that ghosted me is painting him naked days before I marry one of People's Most Beautiful.
Beth: You're damn right it is.
Rebecca: Wait. What does ghosted mean?
Madison: It's when you go out with someone and then they end things by not returning your calls or your texts - just disappearing, like a ghost.
Rebecca: What? That's horrible. You are horrible, Joe.
Joe: I know.

Miguel: Good news! Rebecca's fine. She's just painting a naked man with the rest of the wives.

Beth: Your brother had, like, a spiritual experience watching Jerry Maguire.

Miguel: I've always liked Renée Zellweger. When I first saw her, I said, "You know, that's a woman that's going places. She's extremely talented. She has a beautiful mouth."
Randall: Miguel, that is an extremely weird thing to say, man.

Rebecca: You do know you're the most impressive person I know? No, no, I mean it. I'm serious. The mom you are. The career woman you are. The wife you are to a man who is kind of a full-time job in his own right.

Randall: Nicky found some dry firewood. He's got a nice fire going on outside. I think it's some kind of caveman-esque peace offering.

Randall: Our boy here's got a classic case of cold feet. I think he needs a good talking-to.
Kevin: No, I'm fine.
Randall: You are not fine, sir. You are a mess. As for the rest of you, you're not on top of your game either. Miguel, you have been obsessing over our mother since you got here. Tobias, you are missing that usual je ne sais quoi that makes you so appealing. And, Nicky - well, you're always odd.

Nicky: This is the lamest bachelor party I've ever been to, and I've never even been to one.

Toby: I'm, like, the world's greatest rom-com fan. Like, there's literally never been a Hollywood ending that I have not loved. And usually, I hate it when people try to poke holes in the romantic ending. But after watching [Jerry Maguire], I could only think one thing. They're never gonna make it. Nothing has changed. All he did was deliver an incredible line to some divorce support group. Jerry is going to work too hard. Dorothy's going to resent him for that. And that little kid is going to get the short end of the stick cause they'll never stop fighting, and soon he's gonna be mad and sad instead of adorable and precocious. And I could just see their whole little family in this boat, and the boat is just filled with holes.

Miguel: When your mother and I started seeing each other, I remember thinking a lot about that expression "written in the stars." I'd always loved that expression. The idea that the universe had big plans for two strangers before they've even crossed paths. I remember thinking that's how it was for your mom and dad. Written in the stars. I knew it wasn't like that for me and her. It was strange, the way we came together. I knew that. And I was filled with doubt on our wedding day. For many days after. But then the years went by. And I realized - it's okay. That, yes, there are some love stories that are written in the stars. There are other love stories. They're written together. Two people the universe had no plans for writing their story in the stars together. That's pretty fantastic, too.