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S02.E13: The Reaping

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So the team of highly skilled, specially trained military mercenaries who were prepared to take out a couple hundred fanatics - many with automatic weapons - was taken down by one, solitary, Ryan Hardy. Gotta love that.

And secondly, why didn't Preacher's Son take the knife and just stab Joe? GODDAMMIT, KID!

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My DVR is determined that I quit this show. This is at least the third time this season it skipped recording it. I don't change any settings & it'll appear again. I think it's a message from my DVR that I'm losing brain cells watching all the dumb. I am resolute though & find it OnDemand. Although my cable company has tried to save me as well & not put the show up OnDemand at times. Ha, cable gods I will rot my mind with this uninspired drivel if I so choose!

With all that being said, this week was another symphony of law enforcement ridiculousness. I wish they'd play the death orgasam music like they used to. I did enjoy Joe telling Ryan that they're besties. It was touching. I also liked dark Mike. Who could blame him? He knew Lily would never be caught in his universe. Finally, because it needs to be restated, kill Claire.

P.S. I'm kind of sad Joe left Pluto out of all his plans & schemes. The planet that once was gets no respect.

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You guys even for me this is a ton of posts. FOUR PARTS, YO.

Well, the Lilies of the field toil not, but they can't hire good help either, it seems. Welcome to this week's The Following: Chasing Our Tails Episode.

We open with Ryan sneaking around the dark encampment, following two mopes who wonder aloud where Jimmy is whilst fetching a very reluctant Pinkwasher from the cage of miscreants (which is outdoors and unheated, by the by. Every person in that thing should be dead of hypothermia without any outside interference.) One guy spots Ryan and asks what's going on, and Ryan enters one of his rare competent streaks; he gets all "Hey, dude, quit pointing that at me whassup GOT YA!" smackdown on him and apparently chokes him out--he's passed out at least, and since Ryan presumably leaves him there outside, he will soon be joining the rest of the Bad Pinkwashers in that long good night. Ryan Hardy Death Toll This Episode So Far: One! That was an good play, though, so I'll give him this one.

Credits, and we open on Ryan Hardy's White Apartment of Obsession. Max, Mike, Claire and Carrie are discussing Claire's master plan of

1) Show I'm Alive
2) Joe Freaks Out
3) ?????

And everybody who isn't Claire thinks this is the craziest horseshit they've heard for this week at least. Claire threatens to take her tragic hair on the internet if the rest of these party poopers don't get in line, and besides, Carrie, this is the scoop of the year! (Until they find that Malaysian flight, anyway) Is she really going to drop it? Carrie finally says she'll get a small crew together and interview Claire at the apartment, more to keep her quiet then anything, and offers a card, which Mike intercepts. He walks Carrie to the door and asks if she's really going to to this, and Carrie's all NO, girlfriend is a nutbar, take her toys away and tell me when you find Ryan. Carrie, Claire and Ryan have yet to have a scene together, yet they all keep meeting at his apartment like it's a common room in a dorm. I also love how Carrie is the second civilian to tell a trained law enforcement professional how to do his job. Not that I blame her considering the showing of her bodyguards last week. It's just funny.

But enough of that! Time to head over to Preacher Man's digs (whom I finally have twigged is named Kingston Tanner, but at poster moebee's request, will heretofore be known as Preacher Ed) to watch the latest flash drive of Son of a Preacher Man and his poor girlfriend getting kidnapped and slaughtered, respectively. Preacher Ed looks slightly distressed, but it could be indigestion. It's hard to tell. Then Joe comes on with his blowharding blather about religion and everybody in the room finds it as deeply purile and horrid to listen to as I do.

Luckily it's pretty short, and Max and Mike converge on that cop who's at every crime scene now and they're discussing official stuff when Preacher Ed notices Mike and recognizes him. Mike tells him he's sorry about his kid and Preacher Ed says, hey, same to you, and then in the BEST MOMENT EVER in the history of this show grabs Mike's arm and proceeds to pray. Mike's eyes widen in disbelieving horror, like a cat when you try to put Easter Bunny ears on it, and stares at his arm all "getitoffgetitoffGETITOFF"  until Preacher Ed finishes up and lets go. Mike hilariously adjusts his arm and everybody else does that 'embarrassing moment stare at corners of the room' thing for a second until Preacher Ed starts up on how he's going to respond to Joe right away.

Everybody's like no that is a bad idea but Preacher Ed's got his stride now about how this is a war (God, he is playing right into Joe's idiot hands, here) a war on his faith (actually it looks more like a war on your kid, guy) and how he's going to show Joe that his faith is stronger then ever and everybody looks at everyone else all "YOU tell him" and Cop speaks up and says um, that's probably going to get your kid and other people killed. Mike adds that he doesn't have to go on TV to pray and Preacher Ed gives him an assessing look, then says he'll abide by their wishes, "As long as the Good Lord allows". So until prime time, then.

Part Two coming up!

Part Two! Fun Times at the Compound!

Back to Pinkwasher Compound! Ryan's creeping about when he sees everybody heading out to the outdoor chapel in their robes and masks. Hmmm, thinks Ryan. Then God proves He does indeed look out for fools and drunks and sends some twit up behind Ryan to query "Hey, why aren't you in your robe?" Ryan looks to the universe for a fraction of a second, and then turns around all "Because FUCK YOU THAT'S WHY"  and down goes another extra.

Somebody's pounding a drum and Emma's telling everybody to hurry up. Ryan in his newly acquired robe and mask continues his lucky streak and overhears Tilda and Emma discussing the next big mission and when everybody's leaving and that this is The Big One. He files that for later and moves into the crowd.

Joe's here! All the masked and robed extras cheer as he heads down the steps, pointing into the crowd like a rock star. I really do enjoy how James Purefoy plays his utter contempt for these idiots using whatever methods catch his fancy--in this case he's playing up the whole "charismatic preacher" thing. As Tilda apparently films the proceedings (but with the way she's swinging the camera around it's mostly going to be blurs, people's feet, and angled shots of trees) Joe heads to the platform, with the earlier misbehaving Pinkwasher hauled up after him. Joe goes into his "LOVE ME, YOU MORONS" routine and announces that the big mission's going forward and it's time to party! Unfortunately that means something other then beer pong and regretted sexual encounters. Cult parties are the fucking worst.

Son of a Preacher Man is hauled up as Joe tells the Pinkwasher (whose name is Courtney) not to worry, that S of a P is going to send her HOOOOMMMEEE! (He howls that last bit like a game show announcer telling somebody they just won a car) and  S of a P speaks for all of us when he says I don't understand, what is it you want me to do?

Joe pulls out a knife and bellows that he wants S of a P to show that his his father's religion is a web of lies blah blah blah blah and, quote "that his father's abuse of power and his rampant profiteering are far from Godly, but death...death is necessary!"

(Okay, what the hell? Can any of you make that track? What the hell does the second part of that sentence have to do with the first? I am reeeeeaaaalllly getting frustrated with the laziness and lack of any kind of thought that Joe is putting into his Master Plan of Evil Intent, here. For someone who's been touted as a great teacher and intellectual and psychopathic mastermind, it's especially pathetic. I guarantee that any moron who flunked out of a correspondence school Bible 101 course run by the denizens of that town in Deliverance could come up with a more coherent outline.) S of a P's face says he agrees with me, by the way. He flat out says he doesn't know what the hell Joe's talking about. Joe cares not for this silliness and leads the crowd in a chant of NO REDEMPTION WITHOUT BLOOD!

S of a P is not the only one who thinks this is an extra big dollop of horseshit on the turd sundae. Ryan is moving through the crowd, gun at the ready, and just as Joe has the crowd really whipped up HE SHOOTS! He does! Right at Joe, and it honestly looks like it may have hit him for a second there! Random Security Guy yells TRAITOR at him but Ryan's all nope, just expressing my feelings and fills him fulla lead! It's awesome, you guys! The rest of the Pinkwashers act (FINALLY) the way you'd expect when there's a bunch of gunfire and run around screaming, fleeing into the woods as Neck Tattoo Guy (the one Emma banged) asks Joe if he's hit (of course he is not. Please. Is it your first day here?) and says they have a problem. No, really? Ya don't say!

New scene! We're at Lily's One Of Many Houses and she's impatiently pacing and snapping at her hired thugs as they fondle their weaponry (not a metaphor; they've got dozens of guns lined up on Lily's no doubt obscenely expensive wooden table with no newspapers under them or anything, no wonder she's so pissed off). Lily wants to know why the hell it's so hard to trace the call Joe made earlier (R.I.P, little Mandy) and the guy says hey, you're the one who doesn't want the FBI descending on this place, take it easy, we'll get it. Lily turns to Mark who's moodily wandering through and asks if they're all packed (why would you need to pack if you have the money Lily does? Seems like it would be a lot easier to just keep shit at each house and a small bag in the car). Mark says yes, but Mommy, why are we doing this? Why don't we just leave the country? A very good question, considering that they've been traveling freely around all this time with a small army and nobody's given them the slightest nevermind. Lily will hear none of this logic and reason and in the second best moment of this show, tells Mark to man up: "this whiny child routine has lost its appeal." HEE HEE HEE. Emma thought so before you, Lily.

Back to Pinkwasher Compound. Joe is quite put out with the interruption of his big night, and icily tells Neck Tattoo Guy that he had assured him that all disgruntled members had been isolated. Yes, and turned into Pinkwasher Popsicles. NTG says they have, and he thinks this might not have been an inside job. That, er..umm...it kinda...mighta...been...Ryan..hardy. Who was following them last night, I kinda forgot to mention that. Oops. Intern mistake.

Emma flips out at this and tells Joe they have to leave before the FBI shows up. NTG offers another Pinkwasher's place as a safe house but Joe says, no, bring me Ryan and quick about it, slave! As NTG scampers out Emma pleads with Joe to be smart about this, but Joe doesn't like that and icily informs Emma that everything will. BE. JUST. FINE. Emma's expression says she's starting to wonder what would have happened if she'd started reading Jane Austen two years ago instead of Joe's EAP ripoff.

Next up, Part Three!

Part Three!

Moving on to Max and Mike. They're in some kind of office rewatching the murder/kidnap video (I am sure Microsoft is beyond thrilled at this product placement) and Max tries to get Mike to open up about how he's doing. Mike tries to deflect, but Max proves she is indeed Ryan Hardy's niece and pursues a personal conversation about Mike and his very recently murdered dad. Your timing is impeccable, Max. Mike is considering jumping out the nearest window so he doesn't have to talk about this anymore, but luckily they get a ring about Lily's location! She's in New Jersey! (OMG, New Jersey? She's a billionaire and she hides out in New Jersey? She really is crazy [please don't kill me, Sars.]). Max and Mike head out. Don't worry, Max, I am positive Mike will make only good decisions and do nothing rash.

Pinkwasher compound! It's now full daylight and Ryan's been running around without being spotted for the last few hours. He's a fox, that one. There's a brief chase with a couple of goons and long story short, Ryan's lucky streak continues as he gets the drop on one of them and puts his gun to his head, demanding information. They go back and forth until the goon's radio crackles and Ryan listens in on Joe telling the other goon to make sure to bring Ryan alive. Ryan gets his crazy eyes again, then fires his gun in the air, bringing the guy running. He surrenders to them and heads off to the warm, loquacious embrace of his best frenemy, Joe.

Lily's house.  A SWAT team breaks into Lily's but of course they're gone. They've only left behind little Mandy (sob) and the group gets busy tracing mercs and credit cards and car rentals. All this competence is too much for the show and we cut away to NTG demanding to know what the hell's happening from Emma, who is in NO. MOOD. NTG won't stop, though, and Emma's face says he's not saying anything she hasn't already thought.

Ryan Hardy is tied to a chair. You guys, I spent so much time rewinding this bit trying to figure out how he is tied to the chair, and it looks like his arms are tied behind his back but in no way actually attached to the chair at any point. He basically could stand up any time during the next scenes and just slide his arms up and off.

Joe comes in! Oh, boy! Together at last! Long scene, back and forth, up and down, and frankly a lot of the time it looks like this is going to turn into The World's Most Upsetting Porno. Joe's positively fluttering his eyelashes with delight to see Ryan again. Long story short, Joe informs Ryan that they're a set, a pair, two sides of the same coin as Ryan rolls his eyes and tries not to show that perhaps the same thought may have crossed his mind a time or two. They spar back and forth for a bit and Joe finally says Ryan's going to love his next "parlor trick" and leaves. The two actors are having fun here, clearly enjoying a good long wallow in the absurdity that is this show.

Preacher Ed gives a press conference where he says nothing of real substance but everybody gets upset anyway.

Joe brings S of a P and Courtney to Ryan's room. Emma isn't into this and though Joe brushes her off, Ryan takes note.

Long scene here but basically S of a P fillets Courtney as Ryan pleads with him not too. Bummer. Especially since it's completely, totally obvious Joe would just kill her if he refuses and is planning to kill S of a P at some not too distant future point anyway. It's not that I blame the kid, he's had a tough day here, but it's just so much bullshittery for the ever present portable camera (of course Joe is recording this crap.)

Mike and Max figure out where Lily is and that it's the Pinkwasher Compound and Ryan's probably there too! Off they go!

Cut to Carrie in a sleeveless dress ( it is JANUARY. PUT ON A SWEATER) getting a call from impatient Claire. Carrie comes up with a plan on the fly.

Joe packs up his entourage and takes off. Ryan doesn't look like he's had the best day, especially since they left Courtney there to bleed out. Gross. On the way out the door Joe tells Ryan "If I die, you die." Ryan looks like he's forming another plan as we cut to commercial.


PART FOUR. I will try to keep this brief (oh, why start now?)

Okay, Lily and her rent a thugs are on a road outside Pinkwasher Compound. She sends them in with orders that she doesn't care how many they have to kill, but bring her Joe. Luke wants to go along but Lily nixes that, pointing out he's still healing. He sure is, considering he was shot twice in the chest as point blank range only two weeks ago. Luke looks sulky but obeys Mommy.

Emma et al are finally ready to leave but NTG spots the mercs heading to the gate. Emma says they have to go NOW. NTG asks where Joe is. "Where do you think?" snaps Emma, thoroughly put out.

Not hard to guess. Joe is once again blathering to Ryan, and this time he's trying to yank his chain by saying since they're being "intimate" (GAG) let's talk about Claire. Ryan gets the expression of a poker player who just remembered that ace up his sleeve as Emma and the others stomp in and say Joe, we gotta go for really real this time. Emma tells Joe to just fucking kill Ryan already but no, and leave, tossing the direction they will be going into Ryan's lap as a little going away present. Luck is a hideous bitch mistress, Ryan. Just ask Courtney. (Ryan Hardy Death Count Two, by the way.)

Mercs punch through the gates and start mowing down Pinkwashers! They run but are cut down. I'd feel bad, but these twitterpated morons were cheering for S of a P to gut Courtney last night (and by the by, until this moment they seem to have forgotten all about the gunshots that interrupted the proceedings--nobody seems anxious or tried to leave) so, ya know. Fuck 'em. I'm not even adding them to the death count, so there.

Ryan smashes that chair to bits and frees himself. It still looks like he could have slid his arms up and off but that's probably just me. He runs out, sees bodies everywhere, hears shots, and heads to the nearest dead merc (wait, who shot him?) and retrieves his gun. He shoots down another merc and glares about. Oh, it is ON, world. IT IS FUCKING ON.

Helicopter! Hey, we could have used this to spot out giant potential compounds weeks ago! Oh well, never mind, Cop Who's Everywhere drops a load of exposition and they hop in a car to head to Pinkwasher compound.

Ryan's taken out every merc but one and he takes care of that as the cops pull up (RHDC: six or so?) He heads out, drops his gun and is all "what took you so long?" Well, not getting a call from you kinda slowed things up, Ryan.

Max runs to embrace Ryan as Mike slips off through the woods, Exposition Cop having handily dropped Lily's location.

Joe, Emma and the rest are at that guy's uncle's house when Carrie Cook comes on with a cryptic "message" for Joe that only he will understand. It turns out to be the most humiliating moment of Joe's life as Carrie recites Joe's college poetry (it's clearly a poem he wrote for Claire back in the day and she's the only one who'd know it) to the world at large. Emma asks what it means as Joe turns various shades of olive green, then allows several thousands versions of jealousy to play across her face as Joe mutters "Claire."

Lily's pacing around, having sent Mark after Luke who wanted to watch the action (getting them both conveniently out of the way) when she realizes that merc who's supposed to be protecting her is awful quiet. It's probably because Mike took him out, and he steps up and says as much. Lily sinks to her knees, hands up, and surrenders. She's totally cool with being arrested. Max and Ryan run up and yell to Mike not to do this. Back and forth, and Ryan tells Mike this isn't him, that it's Ryan. Don't be me dude, your liver can't take it. Mike lowers the gun. Whew. But NOPE, Mike's fine with not having things fixed in the broken farce that is his life and PUTS THREE IN LILY'S CHEST. Holy fuck, dude! Max stares in shock, wondering if she  can get that chef guy interested again as the three stand over Lily's body. Wow, things can only go up from here.

Edited by Snookums
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The more I watch, the more I am convinced that this show ends with Ryan and Joe reenacting the "Let's Dance" sequence from Footloose as everyone, from both seasons, including the dead characters, all jump in to bop along.

Because why not?

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I really wish they would have gone for super corny on Lily's death scene.  When Lily said to Mike that she's unarmed, I wish Mike would have said "So was my father!" *bam bam bam* And ummmm Ryan, dear, why didn't you stand up and smash that chair when Son of Preacherman was about to kill the poor redshirt???

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The two best parts of the show for me, without a doubt, were (1) Joe telling Ryan "I miss us!" and (2) Lily saying of her twins, "Ugh - they're idiots."

The only reason I'm still watching is that the show seems to have a bit of a sense of humor about itself. Well, that and the fact that my husband has an unabashed man-crush on Ryan Hardy--that's pretty entertaining.

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